#BlackLove - General Discussion

[Empress1]

Also, as Neurochick pointed out, in some places like Atlanta, black men just have the numbers on their side.  They do not have to compromise...so why should they?  Maybe, it will be different on this show since these ladies are in New York.

New York skews in mens' favor too, and in my experience they take advantage. Not just black men, all men. NYC is something like 55% female. Also people tend to marry later there, for a number of reasons - being single and 30something (or even 40something, especially if you're male) in NYC isn't weird at all. A (white) friend of mine has a cousin who married for the first/only time at 47; his wife was 40 and had never been married before. (They have two young kids thanks to fertility treatments.) That friend married at 33; her husband is 40 and had never been married before. I actually think these women are doing pretty well, dating-wise - there are some couples, Jae and Monet are "getting out there," as they say, etc. I've known women who have had years-long dry spells!

[ralph]

Meh. (I'm like Cynthia, I can't fake it. Ha!)

 

I said above. ewww.

 

seemed sweet but badly shaped teeth, yellow teeth, strange face shape, weird sense of humor. but if she liked him...good luck. but Antonio was cuter

[okerry]

I think independent is the wrong word, because adults should be independent.  

 

But, if you're in a relationship and don't allow the other person to do anything for you; you always have to drive, you always have to make the decisions, you always have to pay, etc.  That's not really being independent, that's being controlling.  

 

 

It can be hard to reconcile that "ok, gotta hustle, no one's gonna take care of me but me" upbringing with "ok, now I have to be a delicate flower and let someone else pay the tab/open the door/hail the cab". If you were taught that you could not rely on men, it's hard to deprogram that to allow yourself to rely on them in the small but meaningful ways that create trust and connection.

 

 

 

 

Patti on The Millionaire Matchmaker would call this "masculine energy." Straight men are not attracted to masculine energy. They're looking for feminine energy. I've seen plenty of women who were very tough, abrasive and controlling all the time, and then complain that men just can't deal with "independent" or "strong" women. Yes, they can. They just don't want masculine women.

 

And "feminine" does not mean "weak," which is what most people think. It just means you project a softer and more accepting energy, towards the right person. It can be very nice to let your guard down and be a female for a while, if that's what you are. It's definitely what a straight man wants.

[girlplease]

I don't think hustling and being tough/abrasive/controlling are at all the same thing, though. Lots of professional women doubt themselves, suffer impostor syndrome, over-apologize, etc. Just because you TCB doesn't mean you're a jerk, it just means you might have to be conscious about the situations in which you need to completely reverse your usual MO.

 

For instance, if you're used to paying for yourself, you probably pull out your wallet at the end of the date. Not because you're trying to emasculate the dude, or trying to control the situation, but because it's a reflex. 

Edited January 8, 2016 by girlplease

[Neurochick]

I liked the guy Monet went out with, maybe I'm nuts but I thought he was hot. I think Monet is immature, if she has a baby by herself she won't have time for the penis she keeps talking about.

[IvyDancer]

I agree with you. I think Monet is immature and confused about what she really wants - she had a perfectly lovely guy that was into her a few eps back, and she friendzoned him. This most recent episode, she goes painting with a new guy and she immediately starts out with the "you might be da homie" talk. It's bizarre to me and I feel as though there's a disconnect. That white Wall Street guy who clearly had no interest in her made her light up like the Empire State Building, but any guy who shows any reasonable potential is an immediate turnoff. I think she needs some deep, introspective time off from the dating world to figure out what she really wants. And probably time away from tv too. 

[Neurochick]

Now, I thought the white guy was interested in HER, but not into babies; because he was also into his career, which isn't always a bad thing.  

 

 

I think she needs some deep, introspective time off from the dating world to figure out what she really wants.

 

 

What does that even mean?  What does that consist of?  Not to be nasty, but I read things like that, but it's never explained.

 

This video states my issue with the show:

 

Edited January 18, 2016 by Neurochick

[girlplease]

Where's the thread for last week's episode?

 

I liked Monet with the painting guy. I think she's insecure about her appeal to the opposite sex, and falls back on the friend thing when she feels uncomfortable 

[IvyDancer]

Now, I thought the white guy was interested in HER, but not into babies; because he was also into his career, which isn't always a bad thing.  

 

 

What does that even mean?  What does that consist of?  Not to be nasty, but I read things like that, but it's never explained.

 

This video states my issue with the show:

 

She needs time off from dating to see what she wants. She's gone out on many dates - she even laughingly calls herself a serial blind-dater and never seems to mesh. At a certain point, maybe it's her and it might be time for a break. I thought it was self-explanatory. And yes I am speaking from experience - in between relationships and dating mishaps I would take time out to figure out why things went awry so that I didn't become a perpetual dater. 

 

Shrug.

 

Perhaps I'm too close to the subject matter not to take it personally, but Monet really seems like she could benefit from some therapy and time away from tv to figure out what kind of a mate she wants and how to present the best version of herself to get the relationship she's after. 

[trimthatfat]

I really enjoy this show. I wish there was a megathread for the show instead individual thread discussions because I want to comment on the series in general.

 

I agree that Monet would benefit from therapy, but I am very much pro-therapy in general. I think everyone could benefit from some good ole therapy. I thought the dating expert was on the money when he said she comes off desperate because she does - hell, going on a show and marrying someone sight unseen is desperate. I think Married at First Sight is an awful show. I honestly don't get the impression that Monet has done the introspection needed to get out of the funk she is in. One thing that bugs me about her is that she immediately looks at men and categorizes them. She calls a date a 'homie' before they've even gotten to dessert and I think that she's missing out on great guys as a result. Frankly, she's rushing. You can meet someone, befriend them, and just let life happen. You're not always going to feel crazy butterflies and that's okay. Monet decides within minutes if the man is going to be the Prince Charming of her dreams. I am not suggesting she settle at all, but I don't think she's giving her dates a fair shot. I went on a date recently that was 'eh' - I was exhausted after work and my date had just flown in from a business trip. We agreed to a do-over and the second date was amazing. Followed by an amazing third, fourth, and fifth date. If I had been so quick to dismiss him because I didn't feel butterflies immediately, I would have missed out big time. I think Monet needs to slow down, do some introspection, and be a little more open-minded.

 

I am rambling...lol.

 

Edit: Because I keep calling Monet 'Money'. LOL!

Edited January 21, 2016 by trimthatfat

[Neurochick]

I do agree that Monet needs therapy.  I think a therapist could ask her WHY she has this need to have babies?  Is it because she wants them, because her friends have them, because she wants to have someone there to love her unconditionally?  The dating expert was right that she seems desperate.  She wants to be married, she wants to have babies.  Nothing wrong with wanting that, what a good therapist will do is ask her if she can see her life without those things.  If she's so fixated on marriage and babies, she won't be able to see anything else.  All a man has to say is he wants those things and Monet will be right there, whether the man is a good guy or not.

 

Why does she categorize men immediately?  I think too many people believe that when you meet "the one" you'll know in the first five seconds.  Sometimes that happens, but not all the time.

 

I was just on the Married at First Sight board and someone mentioned courtship.  I think that's what Monet needs, or should allow herself.  She deserves to be courted; she doesn't have to make up her mind right away.  She needs to figure out if the man is worthy of a relationship and you can't figure that out on the first date.

Edited January 21, 2016 by Neurochick

[ChaChaSlide]

Cynthia reveals a shocking secret; Monet goes on another date with Kyle and admits she is celibate and recently divorced; and Bentley gives Jahmil an ultimatum. Later: Monet gets a surprise in the mail that turns her world upside down.

[ChaChaSlide]

Jahmil makes a decision about her future with Bentley; Jack challenges Tennesha to express her love towards Errol; and the ladies help Karl plan a surprise party for Laree.

[Waterlilly]

Monet was hilarious with that baby. I think that was a good test for her. Her admission to Kyle that she is divorced reminded me that the MAFS participants need to really take that whole "experiment" seriously, because the divorce is real and some people won't understand. Although Kyle seemed to take it well. I really enjoy this show!

[Neurochick]

Is divorce actually a big thing today?  I know when I was growing up it was, but that was the 1960's and 70's.  

[Waterlilly]

I think the explaining of this divorce would be strange. Kyle handled that she is divorced fine and she didn't go into detail. I just think maybe the next question might be "are you that desperate or what are you looking for". I personally never had a problem and I have a couple under my belt and three kids, so no I don't think it is a problem in real life. Of course these guys are on a reality show so they may also seem desperate or not sincere. I do like the experts on this show though and the assignments. They make sense to me.

[Neurochick]

I liked that Monet got the fake baby.  A lot of people talk about how they want a baby, but it's always about THEM wanting a baby, it's all about their wants, their needs.  I think Monet wants a baby because she feels she's "supposed to" want one.  When she had that fake baby, damn, even I knew what she was supposed to do and I don't have kids (but I did work in maternity for years).  That whole thing was scary because first the do big the baby's foot, now what if that were a real baby, what would have happened?  Then Monet's friends had no idea how to hold a baby, that you have to support the head, they were all trying to take the battery out.  

 

Monet needs to ask herself, "what do I want?" not what she's supposed to want, but what does she want and why does she want it?

[Waterlilly]

And if this makes sense, it is ok to want what you want even if it is different than everyone else. I have been guilty in my past of doing what I thought others wanted me to do. Miserable until I did what was right for ME.

[Pepper Mostly]

Monet was hilarious with that doll. I was cracking up when the other women were trying to take the battery out. On the one hand, sure you're going to try and take it seriously and respond like you would to a real baby, but on the other I'm pretty sure I'd be laughing too, and looking for the off switch! I think Monet's desire for kids is completely sincere and I was applauding her for deciding to freeze her eggs and plan for the possibility that she might have to take that step on her own if a potential partner doesn't appear. I like her (and all the ladies) a lot. I'm going to miss them all when this is over.

 

This show makes MAFS look like burnt toast. How can the same company produce this, which is thoughtful and entertaining, with smart, interesting women, and then give us that dreck? It is to ponder.

[Empress1]

I think the explaining of this divorce would be strange. Kyle handled that she is divorced fine and she didn't go into detail. I just think maybe the next question might be "are you that desperate or what are you looking for". I personally never had a problem and I have a couple under my belt and three kids, so no I don't think it is a problem in real life. Of course these guys are on a reality show so they may also seem desperate or not sincere. I do like the experts on this show though and the assignments. They make sense to me.

I don't think divorce is an issue (as I've said, I've dated two men who are divorced) but having to say you're divorced from someone you only knew for five weeks makes you look kind of bad - impulsive, maybe with questionable judgment. If someone told me they were divorced from someone they'd only known AND been married to for five weeks, I'd think they got married drunk in Vegas or something. I would have pressed for more information if I were in Kyle's shoes.

 

I was surprised by Cynthia's admission that she had an affair, and more surprised that she and her husband were able to stay married for six years afterward. I was talking with one of my married friends and she was saying that if her husband cheated, she'd want to work through it but her husband said he'd be through if she cheated (and while I don't think either of them would cheat, I could see her doing it more than him).

 

La's reaction to Monet and the fake baby had me dying. She has a kind of deadpan humor that I really like.

[Empress1]

I'm with the women: if Tennesha loves Errol, she should say it. It's scary but I think if they were to split she'd regret not saying it.

 

Karl is a keeper. I don't know what La is planning re: moving abroad, but she should factor Karl into her plans. He clearly adores her and she does him; she's just not that emotive. She reminds me a little of me, although I'm more emotive than she is. I'm that independent person who sometimes has a hard time letting that down.

 

I'm all for blind dates but their mutual friend didn't even tell Monet and the guy each other's names? That struck me as weird.

[glitterpants]

I don't want this show to be over soon because I really like this group of women. Even when there isn't much that happens in an episode their personalities and interaction with each other make it fun to watch.

 

The way Neka was originally introduced into the show still makes me laugh (that set up with Neka overhearing the girls and hitting on Jae was so obvious, I'm not sure why they didn't just arrange a blind date like they usually do). I don't think either of them is really all that into the other (that sentence from Jae declaring that "who knows, Neka could potentially be the one" or whatever sounded edited together from chopped up parts).

 

I assume Kyle will show up again at some point but during their date I thought Monet kind of said too much and also too little, because Kyle seemed perplexed but (probably due to this only being their second date) he didn't seem to want to ask too many questions so I wonder what kind of impression he got from the summary she gave him. At the same time, there's no point in hiding that she did get married/divorced, so yeah.

Edited February 9, 2016 by glitterpants

[ChaChaSlide]

Despite having gone through a life changing process in the past ten weeks, the women still have issues to resolve before the week is up in order for them to get their love lives in check. Monet realizes she has one final piece of her failed marriage to let go of before she can truly move on. Tennesha is feeling the pressure of her parents meeting Errol, and considers ending their relationship if the meeting doesn't go well. Laree is at a crossroads with Karl, as she wants to move out of the country, but he is very hesitant to join her. Will he move with her? Or will it be the end of the road for them?

[timeywimey]

So happy for La watching this episode! Don't think that Errol is really in the same place as Tennesha, however. "Wow" and "that's sweet" came before "I love you too". Hopefully for her, he'll get there.

[Pepper Mostly]

I am going to miss all these women. I really liked Monet on MAFS and enjoyed seeing her more here. I wish them all the best! 

[After7Only]

I'm glad La finally told him she loved him.  She's very hard to read.  I couldn't tell if her hesitancy was due to commitment fears, or due to her not being fully invested in the relationship.  Like she recognized he was a good guy, who was very into her, who she "should" love, but at the same time there was still something missing that she couldn't figure out.