I Once Took A Donkey And Some Honeycomb Into... : Jokes!

[Petunia13]

She knew it

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Mindthinkr]

[Mindthinkr]

[walnutqueen]

23 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

I thought ALL photos of me had been destroyed ...

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Mindthinkr]

[JTMacc99]

I saw that one on Facebook this morning @sirOsisofliver  Heh. I like that one.

[walnutqueen]

If I was a Real Housewife, my tagline would be:

"Cheetos & Vodka; Breakfast of Champions".

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Mindthinkr]

Y'all have me laughing and providing some much needed distractions today! 

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Mindthinkr]

[Maizie131]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Petunia13]

I made this one yesterday. 

 

 

 

[walnutqueen]

5 minutes ago, Petunia13 said:

I made this one yesterday. 

 

 

I'd crawl into a slimy storm drain, too, to avoid a clown (or save a critter in distress).

And if you post one more creepy clown face pic, I may need to hunt you down, and do bad things.  ;-(

[Mindthinkr]

[walnutqueen]

6 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

New plan for where I want my ashes to be sprinkled ...

[Mindthinkr]

1 hour ago, walnutqueen said:

New plan for where I want my ashes to be sprinkled ...

By the reds or the whites? Perhaps by the French champagne because you are top notch. 

[walnutqueen]

11 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

By the reds or the whites? Perhaps by the French champagne because you are top notch. 

My most favorite winery (visited circa 1980) was  Moet & Chandon (le home of Dom Perignon).  I'd surely enjoy my box of ashes going on a girl's road trip to that locale .... Thelma & Louse ending optional.

[Mindthinkr]

35 minutes ago, walnutqueen said:

My most favorite winery (visited circa 1980) was  Moet & Chandon (le home of Dom Perignon).  I'd surely enjoy my box of ashes going on a girl's road trip to that locale .... Thelma & Louse ending optional.

Count me in - no joke (but coming home to my fur babies so no T&L ending) 

[walnutqueen]

13 minutes ago, Mindthinkr said:

Count me in - no joke (but coming home to my fur babies so no T&L ending) 

As long as you promise to adopt any of my surviving fur babies, you're in like Errol Flynn.

Topic?  Bad jokes?  I apologize in advance for this one:

How do you turn a fox into a pitbull?  Marry her.

[Sandman87]

I couldn't resist correcting this for accuracy:

[walnutqueen]

13 minutes ago, Sandman87 said:

I couldn't resist correcting this for accuracy:

if you need accuracy, there's not enough beer in the world to make some people fuckable,

[Petunia13]

10 hours ago, walnutqueen said:

I'd crawl into a slimy storm drain, too, to avoid a clown (or save a critter in distress).

And if you post one more creepy clown face pic, I may need to hunt you down, and do bad things.  ;-(

Is this better? 

[walnutqueen]

1 minute ago, Petunia13 said:

Is this better? 

I hate you.

[Petunia13]

That was a photo of James Charles from a Cover Girl event though. 

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

You're Not Old, Unless You Can Remember:

• Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
• When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk and sodas.
• When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
• When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
• When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
• When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday.
• When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes, or towels hidden inside the box.
• When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
• When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.
• When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed ... and did.
• When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.

[walnutqueen]

1 hour ago, SirOsisOfLiver said:

• When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.

They were stockings, with seams you needed to keep straight, held up by a garter belt that was NOT for sexy time.  Me & my mum wore them - I am THAT old.  

[Mindthinkr]

2 hours ago, SirOsisOfLiver said:

You're Not Old, Unless You Can Remember:

• Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
• When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk and sodas.
• When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
• When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
• When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
• When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday.
• When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes, or towels hidden inside the box.
• When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
• When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.
• When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed ... and did.
• When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.

When gas stations gave you knives or glasses when you filled up. 

[Sandman87]

2 hours ago, SirOsisOfLiver said:

You're Not Old, Unless You Can Remember:

Promos for TV shows that include the phrase "...in color!"

The Marlboro Man and the Turk.

Turning on your stereo and listening to a reel-to-reel tape.

Having anywhere from 4 to 12 TV channels to choose from, depending on the weather. And some of them are in Spanish.

Spending a month's paycheck to buy a calculator.

[walnutqueen]

4 minutes ago, Sandman87 said:

Promos for TV shows that include the phrase "...in color!"

I believe that was "In Living Colour", in Canada, eh.  ;-)

 

5 minutes ago, Sandman87 said:

Turning on your stereo and listening to a reel-to-reel tape.

Midnight on Fridays our local FM station played a soon to be released LP, which we recorded an our reel to reel.  Akai, if I'm not mistaken.

[SirOsisOfLiver]

Where we lived, we had 3 TV stations, and one was in French. Dad used to make us stand in the "right place" to hold the bunny ears "just so" so we could tune in the channel with any degree of visibility in order to watch sports on our B&W TV. I had a reel-to-reel, and it was an Akai, and it was quadrophonic. Dad had a console stereo that was as much furniture as electronics, and it played 16 and 78. I remember beer commercials and cigarette commercials. I remember smacking the side of the TV and saying "fuck!"like my dad.

I still have a number of Sansui stereo components that I bought overseas, sitting collecting dust with all my LPs and cassettes.

[walnutqueen]

18 minutes ago, SirOsisOfLiver said:

Where we lived, we had 3 TV stations, and one was in French. Dad used to make us stand in the "right place" to hold the bunny ears "just so" so we could tune in the channel with any degree of visibility in order to watch sports on our B&W TV. I had a reel-to-reel, and it was an Akai, and it was quadrophonic. Dad had a console stereo that was as much furniture as electronics, and it played 16 and 78. I remember beer commercials and cigarette commercials. I remember smacking the side of the TV and saying "fuck!"like my dad.

I still have a number of Sansui stereo components that I bought overseas, sitting collecting dust with all my LPs and cassettes.

My stepdaddy made me sit by the TeeVee to change channels for him, when I wasn't scratching his back, or doing something equally disgusting.  One day, he & my Mum had a huge fight over nothing, and he took that big old teevee and hucked it down the basement stairs.

Somewhere in my trove of "treaures" is a bootleg LP of Led Zeppelin (plain cardboard sleeve, marked Pb) - I paid 10 bucks for it to my local sleazy high school pot dealer.  Believe it or not, LZ also played a free noontime concert at my high school.

Why yes, I AM old.

Edited September 17, 2017 by walnutqueen
because closing parentheses matters to me

[Petunia13]

[Petunia13]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

I souport publik edekasion.

[walnutqueen]

40 minutes ago, Petunia13 said:

L'Otters crack shellfish on their chesticles with rocks.  They will will not be fucked with.

[Sandman87]

8 hours ago, SirOsisOfLiver said:

I had a reel-to-reel, and it was an Akai, and it was quadrophonic.

I had a pro audio Teac 2/4/quad switchable with auto-reverse for a few years back when I was doing audio production. Got it cheap! Still have the splicing block & a partial roll of splicing tape around here somewhere.

You audio pro types also know you're old if you've ever used an audio mixing board that had channels with level-control dials the size of donuts.

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

If Men Really Ruled The World

•    Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you”.
•    Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.
•    When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during time-out.
•    “Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
•    At the end of the work day, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
•    Tanks would be far easier to rent.
•    Garbage would take itself out.
•    Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps”.
•    Every man would get four real “Get Out Of Jail Free” cards per year.
•    People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
•    Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
•    Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds.

[riley702]

19 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

Heh. Reminds me of these:

 

[JTMacc99]

21 hours ago, SirOsisOfLiver said:

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during time-out.

LOL for real at that one!

[SirOsisOfLiver]

Why Dogs Are Easier to Live With Than Women

• Dogs love it when your friends come over.
• Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late.
• The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
• A dog's parents never visit.
• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking directions.
• Dogs don't hate their bodies.
• No dog ever bought a Barry Manilow album.
• Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
• Dogs never criticize.
• You never have to wait on a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
• Dogs find you amusing when you've had too much to drink.

[SirOsisOfLiver]

New Words

• Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
• Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
• Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
• Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
• Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
• Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you're running late.
• Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
• Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
• Glibido: All talk and no action.
• Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
• Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
• Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who is responsible.
• Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
• Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

[Mindthinkr]

17 minutes ago, SirOsisOfLiver said:

New Words

• Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
• Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
• Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
• Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
• Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
• Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you're running late.
• Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
• Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
• Glibido: All talk and no action.
• Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
• Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
• Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who is responsible.
• Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
• Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

Some of those are brilliant! Where do you come up with all of these lists? 

[Mindthinkr]