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Younger Quotes: Dr. Dre's Not a Doctor

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If anyone wants to come up with a good thread subtitle, let me know and we can have the moderator add it!

Diana: Black tie means black tie. No color. This isn't the Grammys.

Annika: A vagina as soft as a walrus's fold!

Diana: You have no idea what it's like to be single and in your 40s. It's like trying to rent out a beautiful apartment where a murder took place. Everyone's spooked.

Diana: Charles's babysitter didn't show so I volunteered you.
Liza: I'm already back in Brooklyn.
Diana: If only there were some sort of underground train system that could get you to the Upper West Side in thirty minutes.

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Diana: Charles's babysitter didn't show so I volunteered you.

Liza: I'm already back in Brooklyn.

Diana: If only there were some sort of underground train system that could get you to the Upper West Side in thirty minutes.


Yeah, I gotta agree with Diana about that one. It would be lovely if an underground train system that could get you to the UWS from Williamsburg in half an hour existed :)

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Yeah, I gotta agree with Diana about that one. It would be lovely if an underground train system that could get you to the UWS from Williamsburg in half an hour existed :)

Man, I would kill for a subway system in Houston.

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Charles: Tolstoy before 9am. Hasn't anyone told you about the New York Post?
Liza: I skip all the boring parts about collective farming and go straight for the soap opera of Anna having the affair. It's like Real Housewives of St. Petersburg with dense Russian prose.

Liza: "Cash Money Bitch: Finances Be Trippin'." Wow, this is all in caps. "Girl, do you want to get paid like a basic bitch or a billionaire bitch?"

Josh: I'm not really that big of a reader. I mean, I read Japanese manga once in a while but mainly for the art.

Liza: There was nowhere to run! It was like being trapped in a cage with rabid hipsters. If there's such a thing as artisanal steroids, I'm pretty sure they were on them.

Jen: When I first joined the league, it almost wrecked me. Busted finger, chipped tooth, and what turned out to be gonorrhea.

Jen: Josh and I know each other well.
Liza: Gonorrhea well?

Kelsey: What happened to you?
Liza: Dodgeball. Why are we still playing kids' sports? You shouldn't be allowed to throw a ball at someone's face with adult strength.

Diana: If you have conjunctivitis, you need to leave. Once someone in the bullpen gets that, everyone has it. It's like kennel cough.
Liza: No, I got this from dodgeball.
Diana: Oh. Cute. My niece plays dodgeball. She also calls jeans "hard pants." Because she's six.

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Annika: A vagina as soft as a walrus's fold!


Kelsey to Annika: I am the walrus.


Hipster douche (Kelsey's boyfriend?): No offense.

Liza: Lots taken.


ETA: It helps to quote things correctly.

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Thad: What? We were talking about his dong. Why can't I talk about your vibrator?

Gabe: I'm not a toilet wizard!
Josh: You plunge, bro! You plunge!

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Liza: Someone needs a shower.
Caitlin: Mom, don't be so western, alright? This is how human beings smell.

[Kelsey shows slides from the "100 Things Women Think About While Giving a Blowjob" tumblr]
Diana: Excuse me, how exactly is this a book? It's pornographic internet nonsense.
Kelsey: I wouldn't exactly classify oral sex as pornography unless you're trying to throw us back to the "let's ban Lolita" era.
Diana: It's a list. It's not literature.
Kelsey: I agree but it is a fun, silly book that will sell to a young audience, which is what we're after. Liza?
Liza: Uh, yes. It's like Goodnight, Moon for adults - with blow jobs.

Guy at bar: Quiet is the new sexy.

Text from Caitlin: Safe at dad's. We're eating horse meat and formaldehyde for dinner.

Trivia night host: Next question - you have to translate this emoji sentence.
Josh: Dude, these are my jam!
Trivia night host: Eggplant, peach, two cows, house, question mark.
Girl at bar: Let's have sex til the cows come home!

Girl at bar: How is she getting all these?
Liza: Hey, easy with the F word.

Drunk Josh: Omigawd, you know what I just thought of? When I was born, you were in middle school!
Liza: I guess so.
Drunk Josh: When I was sixteen, you were [stops to do math for way too long], you were thirty!
Liza: Yup, pretty much always a fourteen year age difference.
Drunk Josh: Omigawd, you're closer to my mom's age than you are to mine!
Liza: Okay, can we stop doing the math now?

Liza: I loved Seabiscuit and Unbroken.
Diana: Liza, if you want to be taken seriously, you can't just blurt out your unrequested opinion. This is not a Gallup poll.
Liza: I bet Seabiscuit would love a Gallup poll!
Diana: Honestly, it's like you have some form of literary Tourette's.

Kelsey: I stayed up all night reading sick lit books and now I'm pretty sure I have five different kinds of cancer.

Liza: Hector & Dorff's new collection is inspired by Cold War era ping pong diplomacy.

Kelsey: I just really don't want to leave Empirical. They're like my family.
Thad: A poor family.

Lauren: Of course [Josh] is bored.All of these guys have been watching porn since they guessed their parents' password. It's hard to keep their attention. You have to work at it.
Liza: Like how?
Lauren: Be a boss and you've got to get aggro with him.
Liza: Can you be more specific?
Lauren: Do you have a leather hood?
Maggie: That's too hardcore.
Lauren: Okay. Penis gauge?
Liza: A what?
Lauren: Fishnets and a finger up the butt?

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Thad: When are you going to start making that Oprah money?
Kelsey: When are you?

Josh: You're not a millenial!
Liza: Dr. Dre's not a doctor.

Maggie: I miss slamming down the phone.

Maggie: People are all so goddamn good now. We all used to lie and eat gluten and smoke cigarettes and hang up on each other. Remember that?
Liza: Yeah. Now people just eat kale and tell the truth.
Maggie: A-holes.

Liza: We're inviting all the key influencers and cyber elite: The Fat Jewish, The Waifish Mormon, Pompous Croissant, Man Repeler, The Wicked Bitch of Greenpoint, oh, and the dude who created Pizza Rat.

Diana: What is that? Some sort of plaid diaper.

Hector: We have Schnapps.
Liza: Do you have water?
Hector: This isn't Bloomingdales.

Dorf: It is a special night and you are a boss so we are going to make you look like a boss. You need a dress that is serious, that says, "Here I am - but I'm busy," "Look at me - but don't."
Hector: Which just happens to be our signature kind of dress.

Liza: Josh has been busy.
Lauren: No, not so busy that he hasn't had time to instagram eating a peanut sundae with his chubby roommate at the Brooklyn Pharmacy.

Kelsey: The other day when I told Thad about the imprint, we were walking down the street. He puts his arm around me like he's going to say, "I'm so proud of you, babe," and instead he says, "Babe, would you be open to a threeway?"
Lauren: Well, you did butt stuff way too early. Ass play is the gateway to threeway.
Kelsey: Lauren!
Denise: It's fine. It's an old family saying. I think we have it crocheted on a pillow somewhere.

Liza: The bruschetta is made from rescue tomatoes and day of expiration burrata.

Charles: Even the trash to table turned out surprisingly well. I enjoyed my off grade sweet potato puffs.
Liza: Yeah, who knew that restaurants just threw away pock marked potatoes? That's like America throwing away Brad Pitt or Edward James Olmos.

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Diana: Set up a cut/color, mani/pedi, full wax - north pole, south pole, and equator.
Liza: What about the Panama Canal?
Diana: I'm not a porn star, Liza.

Redmond: Give [Jade] a sec. She's just wrapping up a twitter feud with Karl Lagerfeld. It takes him ages to respond, you know, because of the gloves.
Jade: How do you say "power bottom" in German?

Jade: To the flack in the room that's worried about libel, just don't be because these lips and these lips, they don't lie.
Diana: That's quite a vagina monologue.
Jade: I heard that, Ann Taylor Loft.
Diana: Ann Taylor Loft? Hardly. This is Alexander McQueen.
Jade: Not the turtleneck. Not the boots.

Lauren: Uh oh, Charles's pic just went up on freeballing.net - good thing the perv that runs that site owes me.

Jade: I just did a piece on my blog about how I wish the overalls trend would trip and fall into an active volcano, but you're making me reconsider it. A little.

Josh: [Jade] kept climbing up my fire escape.
Liza: Wait, is that butt stuff?

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Tom: We don't want people to know we're from New Jersey. We got fake IDs that say we're from Oregon.

Tom: Awesomesauce!

Liza: You make it sound like you've never been to New Jersey.
Josh: I haven't.
Liza: Wait, you've been to Tokyo and Peru and you've never been to New Jersey? How is this possible?
Josh: I literally never had a reason. Plus I hate tolls.

Kelsey: At least [Jade] is feeding homeless people hamburgers.
Lauren: Those aren't hamburgers. Those are doucheburgers. They're made with lobster, caviar, and foie gras and they're served in a gold leaf wrapper. These cost $600 each.
Kelsey: They're from a food truck!
Lauren: Wharton graduates. Those wacky MBAs.

Kelsey: Where do you even get a Coke straw?
Lauren: Etsy.

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Hugh: I'm interested - on one condition: that we make a deal and then you pay me 77 cents on the dollar for that deal. I want to be paid like a woman and I want that to be part of the campaign.

Kelsey: Brad Westlake. He's such a dick. We interned together. He was so far up everyone's ass, they called him the Butt Plug.

Hugh: Urinals are the last vestige of a violent power structure!

Liza: You really manipulated the Butt Plug.

Jade: I don't want my book at Achilles. I refuse to have my book at Achilles.
Kelsey: Aren't you forgetting one tiny little detail?
Jade: What's that?
Kelsey: Bitch, there IS no book!

[looking at Maggie's sculpture]
Dorf: Soooo spirital.
Lauren: Spiritual? You're hanging clothes from it.
Dorf: Clothes? No. This is outerwear.
Hector: Every piece - work of art.
Lauren: Yes, and Maggie's sculpture is also a work of art.
Dorf: Are you saying her art is more art than our art?

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Gabe: This weekend is going to be epic! I'm going full Deliverance. I'm not bringing a tent, toothpaste, or toilet paper. Just me, the music, and the sky.
Liza: You know how that movie ends, right?

Liza: You're going to be in By the Book? In the Times?
Diana: No, Liza. In Cat Fancy.

Diana: You want to come across as intelligent but not pretentious. That's our brand.

Diana: We'll start in New York City, Bluestockings downtown. It's pretty much home base for lesbians, social workers, same thing. And then we'll hit Park Slope, Northampton -
Hugh: How about midwestern college towns? A huge portion of my audience are transgender academics.
Diana: Absolutely. Ann Arbor, Madison, St. Paul, and there's a huge market for this book in Seattle and Portland. Actually anywhere in the Pacific northwest within ten miles of a vegan market.
Hugh: Great. I'd like to wake up some straight men too. Maybe we could do surprise drop ins at a VFW hall or strip club here and there.

Hugh: You need to know something. No, you deserve to know something. I am objectifying you right now. Erotically. And I'm so sorry.

Liza: Drop a pin? What do you mean? On the ground?

Liza: I brought some calamine lotion.
Gabe: Liza, you're the best. Times like this, I'm glad you're old.
[Liza takes back the calamine lotion]
Josh: Ooh.
Gabe: Older and wiser. You guys can still get freaky. I won't make it weird.

Liza: Great, morning beer.

Hugh: Do you think we can get The Male Feminist in elementary school?
Diana: Certainly a book every third grader should read.

Diana: My grandmother always said I reminded her of an Indian chief. She was a violent racist, but I took it as a compliment.

Josh: Gabe loves pillows.

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Liza: What was so important you couldn't text? They have champagne here?
Josh: The only have the champagne of beers here.

Kelsey: I also broke up with Thad last night.
Liza: What? Kelsey, I'm so sorry.
Kelsey: You wouldn't be sorry if I quit a job that was going nowhere.

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On tinder:
Maggie: It's like a game show and the first prize is a penis.

On the farmers' market:
Maggie: Have you ever seen so much kinfolk crafty crap?
Liza: And I guess the bonnet is back.

Liza: You're a philosopher-shepherd?
Sebastian: Shepherd-philosopher.

Liza: He writes like a hipstser Thoreau.
Maggie: Who? The hot shepherd?

Kelsey: The last time someone handed me a pamphlet with that look in their eye, it was a Jehovah's Witness.

Diana: Congratulations on your starter marriage.

Kelsey: My avocado toast at brunch got more likes [than my engagement ring picture].

Liza: [Sebastian]'s so far off the grid he doesn't even have an email address.
Kelsey: I hate that that makes me want him even more but it totally does.

Diana: A handwritten manuscript on the wonders of solitude and sheep farming. How am I supposed to market that?

Sebastian: Fun can be very exhausting.

Liza: [Your ex Leslie] lasted about six months on the farm.
Sebastian: Yes, until she decided a life without reliable wifi was not worth living.

Kelsey: You haven't told your parents yet [that we're engaged]?
Thad: They're still out of town.
[Kelsey gets out of bed]
Kelsey: Then my vagina is out of town!

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Diana: [This booth] was lit by the same guy who did Angela Lansbury's return to Broadway so from two booths back, we look like infants.

Liza: You must be Emily, right? I'm Liza, Diana's assistant. We've g-chatted.
Emily: Oh, hi. Wow, you're not at all what I pictured. You were so nice on the phone, I assumed you were like homely or twee but you seem totally normal.

Liza: Hey, have you ever heard of the young professionals' society? I got invited to their mixer.
Kelsey: Yeah, it's kind of dorky. It's for people who are like desperate to move up. You should check it out.
Liza: What? Because I'm desperate?
Kelsey: No, because you're dorky.

Kelsey: Omigawd, Lauren is out of control. She has turned into a complete bridemaidzilla. I don't know what to do.
Liza: Well, just be honest with her. Tell her you want a low key wedding.
Kelsey: I have! And then she pinched my arm really hard and said, "You're better than that!"

Lauren: Kelsey, did you get my email about the dresses?
Kelsey: Yes. I am not wearing a see through wedding dress.
Lauren: Why?
Kelsey: Because I don't want my grandma to see my Hello Kitty.
Lauren: There was beadwork.
Thad: Lauren, if Kelsey doesn't want her chode showing then it ain't showing! End of discussion.
Lauren: I know, I know I'm pushing you guys, but it's my job.
Kelsey: It is?

Liza: This [engagement] party is amazing!
Kelsey: But can you imagine if it was my wedding? My cousins with their home schooled children eating sushi off drag queens?
Liza: No, this is not a place for churchy cousins.

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Liza: [Thad had] better tell [Kelsey] the truth, otherwise I have to. I can't lie to her.
Maggie: All you do is lie to her.

Liza: I'm tired of all the secrets.
Maggie: I'm tired of skinny jeans but you just take a deep breath and hang in there.

Caitlin: Premed courses are hard.
Maggie: So is living in your car.

Diana: I assume you're following Edward L.L. Moore snack protocol.
Liza: Uh, I'm not sure.
Diana: Marcona almonds, dried sour cherries, and Orbit gum - in peppermint flavor. Not spearmint, not smooth mint. Peppermint.

Thad: You need to call me now. I'm serious.
Liza: No, you need to tell Kelsey now. I'm serious.

Diana: Donald Trump wants to wear the crown. Tell him no. Amy Schumer wants to wear the crown. Tell her yes. And make sure you insist on getting a photograph of us together.

Charles: That's the costume?
Liza: It may be tiny but at least it's fur.

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Kelsey: This [funeral] weirdly feels like my wedding. All the same people are here.

Lauren: Chad was the sweet one, vegan, works for a clean energy nonprofit. Thad was always tricking his girlfriends into sleeping with him.

Kelsey: Still no tears. I cried like a baby last week when my favorite shirt shrank in the dryer, but my fiance gets killed and nothing.

Stephanie: What's your sign, darling?
Diana: I'm a Taurus with moon in Virgo.
Stephanie: Oh, sweetheart, that's tough. You're like a burning building without a hose in sight.

Kelsey: I have to make my own mistakes, even if that means marrying the wrong guy.

Charles: Liza quit?
Kelsey: Yes, and it's all my fault.
Diana: I blame both of us for stoking her ambition.

Diana: Don't scream! That's what your little legs are for!

Kelsey: [Liza]'s working at a department store at the Paramus Mall in New Jersey.
Diana: I suspect there's drugs involved in this story.

Charles: You work hard and you try to be good, but shit happens.

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Electric Boogaloo, how the heck do you watch the show when you spend the whole time quoting it? Do you have to watch twice or something? I'm not understanding how you can watch and know what's going on when you're quoting the entire episode.

Just curious.

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Dorf: It is a special night and you are a boss so we are going to make you look like a boss. You need a dress that is serious, that says, "Here I am - but I'm busy," "Look at me - but don't."

Hector: Which just happens to be our signature kind of dress.


This is really good.

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Maggie: A hot guy who will lie for you? What more could anybody want out of a relationship?

Liza: [Charles] thinks I'm 26 and he's my boss. Nothing can happen.
Maggie: I think you should sue for sexual harassment and get a huge settlement, buy my loft, I'll sponge off of you, and all problems will be solved.

Bob: How would you describe your [art]work?
Maggie: Big, gay, and fun.
Rose's mom: We love fun! Bob's sister is married to a woman.
Bob: She lives in Portland.
Liza: That's nice.

Liza: "I hope [Thad]'s getting his face licked in heaven. Thinking of you on hump day."

Kiko: Divide the paper into four quadrants. Now I would like you to write in each quadrant those things in your life you care most about in order of importance. Please do this now. Look carefully at what you have written in your fourth quadrant. Whatever it is will destroy you because it takes away from your real priorities. This is the vortex, the vortex of death.
Diana: I wrote my mother.

Maggie: Behind door number one, we have your sweet hot 26 year old boyfriend who honestly knows and adores you and wants to be with you despite your craziness. Behind door number two we've got your forty-something divorced boss with two kids. Is it really a choice?
Liza: He's a grownup. We talk about books.
Maggie: Talking? Books? Uch.

Kelsey: Did you know [your ex-husband was gay]?
Diana: He was a WASP from Connecticut. I just thought he was uptight and well mannered.

Kelsey: A glass of white wine would be great.
Diana: How about vodka? Wine is for fat people.

Diana: I suppose you'll want the tour. This is where I sit. This is where I sleep. And this is my sanctum.

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Diana: This is Givenchy [perfume].
Bryce: Said the beaver to his anus.

Bryce: I like all that. Tap that. Uh, don't your people use Tap That?
Liza: Of course we do.
[Liza and Bryce tap phones and they chime]
Charles: So you just gave her money?
Bryce: I gave her recognition and affirmation. And ten American dollars, yes.

Liza: I love your tattoo.
Kelsey: Are those ants?
Bryce: They're termites.
Diana: That's revolting. And so fascinating.
Bryce: Termites are one of the most adaptable species on the planet. They live in every climate. They've survived every epoch. And they produce so much hydrogen that the Department of Energy considers them a potential renewable fuel source. They're miraculous.
Diana: They also eat feces.

Bryce's text: Lose the olds. Party @ my loft.

[waitress brings a tray of drinks]
Bryce: Please, help yourselves.
Kelsey: Tequila?
Bryce: Condensed water for maximum hydration. Your cells will thank you for it.
[waiter brings a large bowl]
Kelsey: Oh, is that something healthy too?
Bryce: No, it's cocaine. For the models - unless you want some.
Liza: No.
Kelsey: No?

Kelsey: I'm trying to guess [Thad's laptop] password. It gave me a hint: "Kelsey's favorite snack." I tried banana chips, chocolate covered almonds, no luck.
[later at Bryce's party after Lynn cracks the password]
Kelsey: Wait, Lynn, what was the password?
Lynn: Deez nuts.

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Kim: Where you see a circle, Bryce sees a tree.

Lauren: Max is just so different than the people I'm normally attracted to. He's my age, he's hetero, he's a doctor. Omigawd, am I basic?
Kelsey: No, you are not basic.
Lauren: No, you're right. That's insane. But what if I'm straight?
Liza: So?
Lauren: Ewwww!

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Taylor: My manager says that dense historical fiction isn't trending so for now I'm stuck acting like a drunk child while I pay off the rest of my student debt.

Josh: [Liza]'s so cute when she nerds out over books, isn't she?

Josh: Am I overdressed? People are wearing capes.
Liza: That's because she's a vampire.

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Kelsey: Lauren set me up on one of the new dating websites, Handlebar.
Liza: Is that the one for girls who want to date guys with mustaches?
Kelsey: No, that's Bristle Bros. Handlebar is for people who can't handle a bar on the first date. You know what they say - hope for the best, brace for a serial killer.

Liza: It's less about learning new things and more about letting go of old things.
Diana: What do you mean?
Liza: Take voicemails, for instance. Maybe stop leaving those. They're now officially considered annoying.
Diana: Interesting. What else?
Liza: Email is on its way out. Texting is best. The less punctuation the better.
Diana: Horrifying. Go on.
Liza: Oh, and don't say dot com anymore.

Charles: There's something different about you but I can't put my finger on it.
Diana: Oh, you can put your finger on it.

Diana: No, I don't have google alerts. Perhaps my assistant should set it up for me.

Lucas: Is this because I live on Roosevelt Island? It's really not that bad here. It's like the Île Saint-Louis of Manhattan! There's even talk about getting a Whole Foods! I got a great Mexican place by me that also serves sushi!

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Diana: I need you to do a little research and show me how this socialist bike system works.

Kelsey: Well, guess who has a book he wants me to read?
Liza: This would be a much easier question if we didn't work in publishing.

Kelsey: The best part? It's 900 pages.
Liza: Maybe it's the next Infinite Jest?
Kelsey: Oh, perfect. Then I can just pretend to have read it.

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Diana: What are you wearing?
Intern: It's summer Friday, lady.

Liza: I've never bought a bathing suit out of a vending machine before, let alone one that also sells condoms.

Diana: My entire weekend was like a desert, except with 90% humidity.

Richard: There's nothing more pathetic than an adult tattletale.

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Kelsey: You got a tattoo?
Liza: Yeah. Why not?
Kelsey: Because they're really hard to get rid of.

Liza: Deviled eggs and a bird fundraiser. Okay!
Kelsey: Are those chicken wings?
Liza: They can't be. Who catered this?

Diana: This is Richard Caldwell. Doctor Richard Caldwell.
Richard: PhD.
Diana: Still counts.

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Photographer: You look gorgeous. Have you modeled before?
Diana: Well, as a child I was in an advertisement for a local hospital.
Photographer: Now I want you to lean forward at the waist and just gather your breasts as if you're presenting a gift to your lover.

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On 5/21/2015 at 7:58 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

David: Tolstoy before 9am. Hasn't anyone told you about the New York Post?
Liza: I skip all the boring parts about collective farming and go straight for the soap opera of Anna having the affair. It's like Real Housewives of St. Petersburg with dense Russian prose.




That should be Charles and Liza, not David and Liza. :)

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Maggie: Sometimes lying to the people you love best is the most loving thing you can do.

Marilyn: The title of my book - It's True Because I'm Shouting It: Confessions of a Washington Spin Doctor.

Marilyn: The universal perception that Michelle Obama is a down to earth fashion plate.
Liza: Well, isn't she?
Marilyn: If you think so, then it must be true. But how did that happen?
Liza: Because she managed to be both down to earth and glamorous?
Marilyn: And who would disagree with you? Nobody. You say something loud. You say something often. Then when people contradict you, they sound like defensive babies. The bottom line: truth is a four letter word.
Charles: Actually, truth is a five letter word.
Marilyn: Not the way I spell it. It's important not to confuse the truth with the facts and vice versa.
Diana: I'm not sure I see the difference.
Marilyn: The reality is a fact is a factotum and according to Webster's, a factotum is a jack of all trades - certainly not something to trust or rely on.
Diana: Those are two completely different words.

Lauren: Ugh, this is so sad. No twitter, no tumblr, not spotify playlist.
Liza: I've always been a very private person.
Lauren: Um, privacy is just another word for low self esteem, okay, Liza? You don't value anything you say or do. That's why you're still an assistant.

Lauren: So who do you want to be? A bookworm with a slutty streak? Workaholic hipster?

Marilyn: Did you hear the rumors on Politico that we're having an affair? So weird.
Charles: Really? That is strange.
Marilyn: We should just go ahead and do it, prove the naysayers wrong.
Charles: Wouldn't that be proving them right?
Marilyn: I'm talking about the trolls out there saying it isn't true. By the way, according to my twitter feed, it says that I'm at a conference in Beijing so it's the perfect cover.
Charles: If you are here, how are you tweeting from Beijing?
Marilyn: Oh, I have people. It's important to maintain a Chinese presence.

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Colin: It is possible you got more beautiful since the last time I saw you?
Kelsey: No. You just weren't paying attention.

Lauren: Kelsey has a very specific type. Thad, Chad, tram slam, this guy. They're all the same - six foot, cornfed, sandy blonde, sensible stubble.

Liza: You deserve better. You deserve someone who treasures you, who opens doors, who walks on the outside of the sidewalk.
Kelsey: What kind of old lady lace curtain handbook is that out of?

Kelsey: That's not a meme!
Liza: But it's in meme font!

  • Love 1
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Maggie: I made some delicious avocado toast.
Montana: I'm actually gluten-free.
Maggie: Of course you are.

Charles: What do you think about giving Liza a promotion?
Diana: What would that look like for me?

Kelsey: What is it, Liza?
Liza: Nothing. No big deal.
Kelsey: Yeah, I was out all night. I slept with a stranger. I drank too much. I have no problem being honest about who I am, so go ahead. Say what you were going to say.
Liza: Your tit's out.

Josh: [Montana]'s hot.
Maggie: If you like straight girls with sexy hair.

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Diana: I hate wearing pink. It's like Barbie's dream funeral.

Liza: Okay, one drink. But no hipster places where you have to walk through a fake barber shop to get to the bar.

Lauren: I have to party with some guys who aren't afraid to get weird.

Kelsey: I could teach you how to market your authors to women so they don't go looking for new editors at a funeral.

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Redmond: Writers who do romance are in hiding online. They self-publish their sexual fantasies and then they take their kids to soccer practice and cook dinner for their overweight husbands.

Kelsey: I can't believe you brought me to a cigar club. That's skating as close to douchey as you can get.

Redmond: Hey, smut lover! I do have someone for you. She's a short story writer, been featured in literary magazines, won several awards, professor of literature at Columbia - never made a dime in her life, you get it.
Liza: Got it. The struggle is real.
Redmond: We don't say that anymore. The only reason I keep her on my roster is to stay one with the people who still like experimental second person surrealist fiction.
Liza: And she wants to write romance?
Redmond: Lord, no. She wouldn't be caught dead near the stuff. Child numero three of four is heading off to college.

Charles: You were a real shark in there.
Kelsey: It's a good thing some female sharks can reproduce alone.
Charles: Can they?
Kelsey: Yeah, some hammerheads.
Charles: That's...super weird.

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Zane: Congrats on your bathroom book. Millennial's hottest genre: read-and-wipe.

Emily: This is Pearl the second, Gary. Pearl's son - and lover too. But that's dogs.

Diana: I had a hamster when I was a child. Sad story. Apparently you can't blow dry them on high.

Diana: Who says, "I love you" in a text? What am I supposed to say back to that? "I know. Thank you."

Diana: [Charles] always says [my birthday presents] are his favorite. Not out loud, but there's such a thing as subtext.

Lauren: Twitter feuds are so lame. Go straight to the hate sex. Less thumbing, more fingering.

Kelsey: I see your abs. You can breathe out now.

Tony Danza - one of our finest American actors.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Kelsey: Charles blames me for Zane poaching LL Moore. He's probably looming outside my office right now.
Liza: Charles doesn't loom.
Kelsey: He's a giant. He looms.

Lauren: Forget about Zane.
Kelsey: I can't if you keep reminding me.

Lauren: It'll be like an episode of Girls, except we like each other.

Kelsey: It's almost the weekend.
Josh: It's Wednesday.

Lauren: So I recently graduated from my online shamanic studies course - best $40 ever spent, by the way - and then I went on DarkNet and I ordered everything needed to brew ayahuasca.

Kelsey: I'll get a bar job - commit to my passion for day drinking.
Lauren: Ooh, yes, and I'll run the ghost tours in Sleepy Hollow.

Kelsey: Josh and I are friends, that's all.
Lauren: That is how these things always start. Have you seen a single Cameron Diaz movie?

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Diana: I knew Pauline wrote a few articles for Allure and Elle but I thought after she had the kids she'd just stopped writing to join the ranks of the malnourished mommy zombies of the Upper East Side.

Kelsey: [Zane]'s a total asshole!
Josh: All of your ex-boyfriends are assholes. It's not your fault. You've got a broken picker.
Kelsey: That is not true!
Josh: Oh, come on. Thad, Colin, manorexic college boyfriend. Don't even get me started about the high school mullet cheer boy.
Kelsey: What about you? Weird dodgeball girl, psychopath Amy/Montana, and I love Liza, but your picker done you wrong there.

Josh: I have a better idea - live Tinder.
Kelsey: What's live Tinder?
Josh: A bar.

Bouncer: ID, ladies.
Maggie: Look at my neck.

Claire: Do you really make your own dog treats?
Josh: Yes. They're like 90% bacon and they're delicious.

Maggie: You're helping both the men in your life get with other women?
Liza: Yup. I'm going to end up like Jane Austen.

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Tony: Is there a trick to flushing that thing?
Diana: It's pretty straightforward.

Richard: They just stopped by to kill some time before a buddy's party.
Diana: Don't you think they'd be more comfortable killing time in Ethan's apartment? And when is he getting one of those?
Richard: We were just talking about that.
Diana: Looking would have been better.

Liza: This is just like a sexy diaper, right?
Pauline: More like a girdle with a drip tray.

Kelsey: Are you hiding from me?
Lauren: That's a weird thing to ask.
Kelsey: Okay, well, you're acting a little weird. And it looks like you're wearing the same thing you had on last night only turned inside out
Lauren: That's because I am.

Jay: Let it be known that I may not have been the first person to see your talent but I was the first one that tried to poach it.

Richard: [Ethan] doesn't want to live here either.
Diana: Oh, are my Turkish towels too lush for him?

Julia: Bob and Jay went to Princeton together!
Liza: Pfft, who didn't go to Princeton? Louise! She want to Wharton.

Jay: I'm happy to be your old beard.

Jay: Okay, so I was gonna go for the lips. I chickened out and rerouted and ended up kissing your hair so I'm going to walk into traffic now.

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Liza: [Jay] is a viable legitimate prospect.
Maggie: You make him sound like renter's insurance.

Kelsey: I couldn't even trust you to hold my phone.
Zane: I couldn't trust you at a funeral.

Diana: I already know we're above the East 90s.

Lauren: We need your roller bag.
Kelsey: Why?
Lauren: Josh has a trip and he was cramming all his stuff into a duffle bag like an escaped convict.

Lauren: [Josh] cannot tell [Clare] he's coming. She'd just tell him not to like she already has many, many times.

Richard: You were so closed off when we met. Look how you've grown.
Diana: I have grown. A few months ago, I thought I had to put up with someone I knew was manipulating me and now I know I deserve better.

Richard: Can I have a few days to find a place for us to live?
Diana: That's how this all started.

Liza: I'm so sorry, Diana. I know how much you cared for Richard and I'm just so sorry that it happened right before you-
Diana: Before I step onto the red carpet alone? I won the award, not him.

Jay: Uh oh. You know that Brooks Brothers mannequin that runs your company? He's coming this way. Act young.

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Kelsey: At least we know [Clare]'s not pregnant. They've only been dating three weeks.
Liza: That's you, always looking on the bright side.

Kelsey: Zane, let me catch you up. I've already had two New York Times bestsellers and turned an advice book from a dog into a million dollar franchise. I don't need your help.

Liza: Isn't the whole point of dancing to shake your dirty pillows?

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Diana: Do you want to say something [about LL Moore sexually harassing you]? It could destroy the company but we'll support you.

Diana: You know, back in the day we didn't call it sexual harassment. We just called it business as usual.

Zane: Hey, that skirt isn't safe for work.
Kelsey: And I can see the outline of your weiner in those pants.

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Maggie: When did Brooklyn become a tourist attraction?
Liza: Right around when the orthodox temples turned into night clubs.

Liza: I read three novels a week. That's like a thousand Instagram stories.

Bob: As your lawyer, I am telling you - you cannot fire [Liza].
Charles: What? Why?
Bob: She's doing her job, right?
Charles: Well, yes.
Bob: And you kissed her. And now you want to fire her because she's too old. Is this the first time you're hearing it out loud?

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