S17.E15 Qualifiers 3

[Mr. Sparkle]

Live from the Pasadena Civic Auditorium, the next 11 acts compete to see which two will go on to the Finals. 

Airs Tuesday, August 23rd at 8:00 PM EDT. 

[Tango64]

Judge: I love you so much! You’re absolutely wonderful!  [Slight but justified criticism.]
Audience: Boooooooooo!!!!!!

The French magician: just not impressed by coordinating your moves with a lot of computer imagery, all for a “is this your card?” trick.  And he had a whole lot of dirty going on under the table even after the big finish. What was that?

[ams1001]

• Light show: I don't even remember their audition.
• Niece & Uncle: nice voices, I was bored.
• Hockey stick twins: bored. And the music was annoying.
• "We manifested this and now we're here"? 🙄
• Singer w/ a stutter: nice voice. ...😴
• I'm sensing a theme, here.
• The second coming of Jojo Siwa and Rainbow Bright: *high pitched screeching sound*
• French Magician: okay, I actually enjoyed watching this one. Might have just been because there was something to actually watch that wasn't a blur of neon and glitter. (I felt bad for the little cartoon bicyclist. "He stole his little bike!") 
• Not to agree with Simon or anything, but I'll be honest, I had forgotten about him, too, but then again, I pretty much forget all the acts as soon as the credits roll on the episode the past few seasons.
• One-woman band: No, thanks.
• Howie likes the word "amazing," doesn't he? Guess we're divided on the question of whether we like original songs tonight.
• Deaf comedian: That Gordon Ramsay joke has been floating around facebook for a while...
   (I picked the cutest one.)
• I love dogs but a whole set of dog jokes is too many dog jokes. (Especially with Howie guffawing in the background like he does.)
• Ventriloquist: I like that her act is something other than standing at a microphone with a puppet. I also liked her dress. (Also liked the tribute to Olivia Newton John with Hopelessly Devoted to You.) A cappella...A cappuppet?
• Funkenometry: They were entertaining to watch and they gave me lots of nostalgia music so that was fun.
• Polish singer: Best singing performance of the night (which isn't saying much).
• My prediction: Ventriloquist and Sara from Poland.

Edited August 24, 2022 by ams1001

[Maverick]

 I like the ventriloquist but I'm highly skeptical, especially with this show.   Is she really doing that?   It would easy to coordinate in pre-recorded bits when she's eating/drinking and even easier for the whole thing to be a fake. 

[Diana Berry]

38 minutes ago, Maverick said:

 I like the ventriloquist but I'm highly skeptical, especially with this show.   Is she really doing that?   It would easy to coordinate in pre-recorded bits when she's eating/drinking and even easier for the whole thing to be a fake. 

I was wondering if she was holding something in the cup to make the liquid go down.  I’m probably off in left field.  I still like her and the magician.  

[InternetToughGuy]

Oh sweet apathy...

///

MPLUSPLUS - The name of the act vaguely alludes to my fantasy of making a Japanese girl double pregnant, despite the amount of parenting I'd contribute would remain zero. All of these light show acts seem to act like they have invented it, yet their concepts seem nearly identical. It seems this act could only tour outside of Japan, as these frantic displays of neon are required in Tokyo for the employees in skyscrapers to distract their minds from the idea that still being at work at 4am is anything abnormal. Overall the act wasn't that good. Even if this was an all-female production, I would still blame the nearest man.

JoJo and Bri - The guy's name sounds like me calling out to the waitress at the diner for two cups of coffee to try and stay awake during this crap. It's hard not to call this act a gimmick, since there's no one more important in a girl's life than her uncle - the awkward side hugs given at family gatherings are essential to their development. I was bored.

Cline Twins - Anticipating this performance to not live up to their audition, I've spent the past few weeks referring to them as "De-Cline Twins" in a German accent, as cyber crimes have caused me to flee to Berlin (I accidentally called a 17 year old girl pretty, Lord help!). Anyway, this is an activity that most Canadians have probably indulged in before due to the country being frozen solid for 8 months a year, though the dedication to pursue excellence in such a limited field is commendable. It's hard to imagine this getting any bigger, so they probably won't go through, but it was OK.

Amanda Mammana - I wanted to give the poor girl a hug, not only to gulp the scent off her neck like an emphysema patient, but she seemed depressed that a reason for her stutter wasn't found, likely unaware that doctors' days are filled with prescribing poisons and coordinating fundraisers to cure problems that were solved 50 years ago. Her initials being AM is no coincidence, as this is probably where a large portion of the audience fell asleep. Too many damn singers tonight.

XOMG POP! - As a fan of girl groups who look and act like they are 10 (as in KPop), this almost feels like a cheap rip off, perhaps because an adult caricature of annoyance can't compare to the migraine of the real thing. I find it hard to believe the oldest member (15) would want to hang around 10 year olds due to the large difference in maturity, I say while typing in my childhood bedroom pushing 30. Even though the only fans are kids (and those on a certain publicly accessible database), I can still say their audition was better.

Nicolas Ribs - I'd love to leap into the air to hug his daughter, naively assuming the language barrier somehow prevents him from knocking me out in an instant. Anyway, this act was one of the extremely rare ones where I understood the intention of this show was for you to actually look in the direction of your TV instead of at the floor. I have nothing to make his act about me since it was actually good.

Mia Morris - Due to how rough the punk lifestyle is, in 5 years, the pet name of Morris-y I originally gave her will likely become a way of saying she looks like a 63 year old Englishman. Then again, punk nowadays is demanding you do what the government says with some expletives sprinkled in to trick you into thinking it's rebellious. Anyways, the song wasn't that good, but it became kind of charming at the end. It goes without saying Ed Sheeran is way better at using a loop pedal on stage, but since the idea of pulling his pants down has never crossed my mind, they may be tied for overall musicianship.

Hayden Kristal - If any of these female comediennes wanted to bring their best material, they would briefly transition to an FTM to allow a smidge of male humor to come through. This routine reminded me of the droning on smalltalk (with a woman who does not possess a grossly unrealistic porn physique) where you're just tapping your foot and going "yeah, uh huh, hehe". Not much to say, though the remark about Facebook hearing her conversations makes me like to think she reads this forum.

Celia Muñoz - Apparently she was imitating Olivia Newton John, which I had no idea, and I wouldn't expect the American crowd to know a "Grease" other than the one clogging their arteries. It was a pretty decent act. She seems to be one step ahead of the bald gold-hoarding tin foilers in making sure the government can't read your lips from afar.

Funkanometry - I'd love to go backstage and ask if the boxed F on their shirts was a nod at the periodic table of elements likely being bullshit, at least before they called me an idiot and I ran away in tears. Their audition was better than this and this one was kind of hard to sit through, perhaps because since their audition I've added another screen to my 20+ monitor setup and am that much more lacking in attention. When they're eliminated tomorrow, their being forced back to Canada will feel more like watching judicial punishment, as I am aware of how terrible a fate it is to live there.

Sara James - Seems like a real odd choice in giving her the prime spot, since these boring singers seem to have little appeal aside from random old women tweeting out "what a voice" to their zero followers. Between the song Rocket Man and Elton constantly wearing star-shaped sunglasses, he seems to get a real kick out of taunting the public about the voyage that never was. I never know what song these acts do since it all sounds like boring moaning. A better song choice would have been Benny (as in Ben Bernanke) And The Jets (as in chemtrails) - oh how I'd like to spend $5000 on Elton tickets to yell these unfounded accusations at him from the front row. Of course me doing that and seeing me get the lifetime ban from the venue that would inevitably follow would be way more entertaining than this crap.

///

I can't wait to falsely reminisce on tonight when the results show makes me pick imaginary mites out of my skin.

Edited August 24, 2022 by InternetToughGuy

[Neet]

MPLUSPLUS - The main guy said he realized he could fuse technology with choreography, seemingly by his own devices, when he probably meant to say "I watched AGT and saw this shit for the past decade and ripped it off". Like most of these, it looks like every member wrapped themselves in Christmas lights and did a school pageant dance routine.

JoJo and Bri - I don't know who this act is supposed to be for; maybe all the gay uncles out there to get inspired to keep busy or pretend intruding on their family members is a career path. I noticed that JoJo had a tattoo of Japanese characters on his arm, which I will guess out of my ass is an attempt to extend an olive branch to race relations by wearing something covered up by sleeves 95% of the time. So many black women are named Chyna, I thought things were always square. Anyway, it was dull and further proof that talks of "stepping it up" never mean anything.

Cline Twins - This motivated me to waste my entire childhood getting recruited for the NHL and then fuck around with the puck in front of the referee and 10,000 pissed off fans waiting for me to get on with it. I wonder if these guys even play hockey, because their talent is like someone getting obsessed with pumping air in bike tires before ever sitting on the seat. Regardless, they were one of the better acts of the night.

Amanda Mammana - For brevity's sake, I expected her to declare her new name to be "A", but they're making us work to see the end of the episode tonight. The song was really boring. I don't know why so many contestants act like they're going to finally give it their all and then perform a lifeless ballad. Well, at least she looked good. I felt the urge to ask her father for her hand in marriage - not out of traditionalism, but to get an answer promptly.

XOMG POP! - Another instance of wondering who this act is for. Men can't go see something like this un-escorted without staff in sunglasses and walkie-talkies staring at them, so there goes a large potential audience. The ages of the girls in the group is weird, since they have a 10/11 year olds and a 15 year old together and the you'd think the latter would want nothing to do with them. Plus, kids probably aren't going to find a pop group too close to their own age to be very cool. The Spice Girls were late teens, early twenties and more believable to be looked up to, even though I never got the appeal. Whatever it was really resonated - either placing adjectives before each of their names or having an entire team of stylists at their disposal and still looking like they just got out of bed.

Nicolas Ribs - The jerk mentioned having to compete with a Korean guy and his mind instantly goes to animation. This trick was heavily based on the video (that he probably didn't make) projected to the greenscreen, but it was well executed and similar to Yu Hojin's from last week. A good act makes it hard to write non-sequitur ramblings, though his daughter keeps appearing in the video packages and talking enough to make it sound like she's going to be performing as well. She said something about having the courage to follow her dreams, which is what made me expect her to be on stage until I realized her ultimate dream and role is to be barefoot and pregnant with a low-T man's child.

Mia Morris - Hearing her say that she was a pianist-slash-drummer-slash-guitarist made me think she was going to play a 10 minute long Slash guitar solo and use it as rhythm to sing along to. No, I haven't heard music before. Mia said she wanted to use AGT to make her a rockstar, which is "selling out" according to the current gatekeeper of the dead genre, Dave "Dad Music" Grohl. He claims that shows like American Idol dilute the music scene, unlike the '90s where record labels actively threw away millions of dollars signing bands with extremely niche appeal just in case they ever broke out in the future. (and didn't) She was rather out of tune and slightly inaudible vocally, but it would still be nice to see more than two performances in total before deciding that she's hopeless, as I thought it was alright near the end. Another comment about her video package is that she mentioned how being a girl in the industry means she has to prove her skills, which is quite unlike the men who presumably don't have to prove their own talent and probably sign each other to bands by merely rubbing their pricks together in a disease-ridden verbal contract of chauvinism.

Hayden Kristal - There were a few attempts made here and there, which is a pathetic achievement when the show has gone this far and every female comedian pretty much gets the instant brand of 'unfunny' like the DMV employee that doesn't even look at a document before stamping it. The Facebook joke was somewhat amusing, though expected, but good enough for me to relay to family members via tribal drums out of paranoia that I'm being wire-tapped for no reason. This was yet another comedian routine where every joke gets minor applause and then the audience loses their collective mind when it concludes, as if just standing there deserves insane recognition.

Celia Muñoz - Her face is so lively, I feel physically tired when looking at it too long. Perfectly understandable to think I'm morbidly obese and able to summon fibromyalgia with my mind for saying such a thing, but it's true. These ventriloquist acts are always a pill to sit through unless already a fan of them, and despite the talent required, it was boring to watch her pretend to watch a movie. Observing others being entertained at content away from my periphery is a privilege I reserve solely for Twitch streamers I pay to interact with me and mispronounce my monosyllabic name out of disinterest. I'd prefer if Celia didn't go through, as I'd be talking out the side of my mouth to call it enjoyable.

Funkanometry - Good for them to make it from TikTok to the big screen, which going off of current viewing habits, is in all likelihood still a phone. With the boys being one act out of twelve instead of another video to scroll through on the infinite For You page of TikTok, I gave them what i call my full attention - having the TV on with a petite 10 browser tabs open, the turntable blaring, and a comic book in one hand while Morgan Freeman narrated a documentary I couldn't hear. Anyway, they were pretty good but it was clearly living room choreography attempted to be maximized for a larger audience without changing too much.

Sara James - Singing 'Rocket Man' gave me a smile at the thought of anything ever leaving the Earth's atmosphere, but this was boring as sin. It seems like the show is trying to give her preferential treatment as if there's some heroic backstory, but they repeatedly display that she travelled from Poland and...that's about all. The judges always make a fuss about her being such an old soul at the age of 14, though she's now in a country full of people that prematurely age themselves from bathing in soda pop, so it's really not that impressive.

Worst performance show of the season by far, especially when singers dominated so many slots. It was like having to sit through a school talent show at a school your own kid doesn't even attend.

Edited August 24, 2022 by Neet

[Mr. Sparkle]

Zzzzz.... so boring. Really no stand-out acts the entire night. 

• MPLUSPLUS - it's been done before, and better. You have to have amazing effects or a story with this kind of act, and they had neither. 
• JoJo and Bri - they are cute and likeable. I really hate the song they did. 
• Cline Twins - the surprise of the night is that they actually stepped it up and were entertaining. 
• Amanda Mammana - such a dreary song. Has a chance to go through. 
• XOMG POP! - like Howie, it wasn't made for me. I don't know if there are enough 9 year old girls who vote. 
• Nicholas Ribs - now here's an interesting act. His tricks are pretty good and fairly unique, but he has no charisma or stage presence at all. 
• Mia Morris - I like her, and I like the idea of a young woman rocking out and writing her own stuff. But this was all over the place and sloppy. Way better the first time. 
• Hayden Kristel - I do not find her funny at all. 
• Celia Muñoz - still pretty unique, but I like her first audition better. 
• Funkanometry - crap. Stick to TikTok. 
• Sara James - obviously set up to win. Good voice, bad song choice. Rocketman should only be performed by William Shatner. 

Chance of going through - Sara James, Amanda, Celia, JoJo & Bri, Nicholas Ribs. Likely Sara & Amanda.  

[Lonesome Rhodes]

Again, I am going insane, or the lies by the jidges are more and more brazen.

The comedienne was atrocious.  Not one even faintly humorous line.

Sara James?  It's gonna be a long, long, time before I get over the murder of Taupin/John genius.  She made it her own, all right.  That is to say clueless, arrogant, senseless, atonal, dreck.  Of course she is going through! 

I thought XPOP was gonna be the lowest low.  They shouldn't even get a YES in a first audition.  Screech.  screech.  Screechscreechscreech.

So...do they clip all the mics immediately after performance, or do they never turn them on for a significant number of them?  More tracks last night than found in Grand Central Station.

Ventriloquist certainly added a new element, for which congrats.  But, her patter was gawd awful.  With better writers, she would likely be a darn fine act.

Best moment by far was when Heidi and Howie made it a point to trash Funkonometry and Sofia tried to be nice by playing the cuteness card.  I really did want to like them and thought they had a real chance, given the turrible overall performances.  But, they were just somehow flat.  One thing I did not like was how they would often catch the puck with their free hand with seeming intention.  I could not get past wondering if on a couple of occasions, it was to save the puck from falling to the ground.  At lest they reminded me of an all-time fav, Don Rickles.  He would famously put folks down by calling them, "hockey pucks."

This ep was a living, breathing, hockey puck.

[Mr. Sparkle]

52 minutes ago, Lonesome Rhodes said:

The comedienne was atrocious.  Not one even faintly humorous line.

THANK YOU. AGT back story in full effect. 

[Mr. Sparkle]

52 minutes ago, Lonesome Rhodes said:

Sara James?  It's gonna be a long, long, time before I get over the murder of Taupin/John genius.  She made it her own, all right.  That is to say clueless, arrogant, senseless, atonal, dreck.  Of course she is going through! 

I really hate the current trend of taking a pop/rock song from the 70s-80s and then slowing it down and adding a breathy vocal. You see it behind a lot of the aerial acts on this show. 

[rr2911]

2 hours ago, Lonesome Rhodes said:

Best moment by far was when Heidi and Howie made it a point to trash Funkonometry and Sofia tried to be nice by playing the cuteness card.  I really did want to like them and thought they had a real chance, given the turrible overall performances.  But, they were just somehow flat.  One thing I did not like was how they would often catch the puck with their free hand with seeming intention.  I could not get past wondering if on a couple of occasions, it was to save the puck from falling to the ground.  At lest they reminded me of an all-time fav, Don Rickles.  He would famously put folks down by calling them, "hockey pucks."

Funkonometry didn't play with the puck.  It was the Cline Twins that did the puck routine. 

[rr2911]

None of these acts wouldn't win AGT if I had anything to do with it.

.  MPLUSPLUS - I enjoyed them but compared to other light show acts in the past, they didn't come close.

.  JoJo and Bri - I agree with Howie that this felt gimmicky, but disagreed that Bri was the star.  I said in my audition review that I thought the uncle would have to carry them both.  Bri's voice wasn't very good and probably needs to mature.  JoJo was the better singer by far.

.  Cline Twins - This is something you will see at a mall.  Besides, they kept catching the puck with their hands, most likely afraid of dropping it.

.  Amanda Mammana - A boring performance but with her story, I see her going through.

.  XOMG POP! - Awwe Hell No!  I'll say it again, AGT should put an age limit because acts like these are passed through because the judges don't want to upset these kids by telling them "No" fearing they'll become depressed and go on a killing spree!  

.  Nicholas Ribs - I liked his first performance better.  What ruined it for me was at the end of the performance, he was doing something under the table.  Obviously it was something that helped with his tricks.

.  Mia Morris - Just no!

.  Hayden Krystal - She was not funny at all.  I hate the pause all these comedians do for the audience's responce/applause.  The problem is, when the joke isn't funny, that pause feels like 10 minutes!

.  Celia Munoz - I thought she was great and for me the best of the night!  I did enjoy her audition better though.  She might be better than Darci Lynne.

.  Funkanometry - Another "hell no" response from me!

.  Sara James - Before the show begin, I penciled in Sara going through because the judges made a big deal over her.  I somehow thought she was from Ukraine so I figured that was her sob story.  Of course I was wrong.  she's from Poland, and the judges made sure we knew it since they mantioned it about a dozen times!  Her sleepy rendition of Rocket Man wasn't very good along with shaky vocals.  Now, I don't think it's a sure thing she will be going through.

Given my take on Sara James, I have the feeling that Sara and Amanda Mammana are going to the finals. 

[sharifa70]

13 hours ago, Maverick said:

 I like the ventriloquist but I'm highly skeptical, especially with this show.   Is she really doing that?   It would easy to coordinate in pre-recorded bits when she's eating/drinking and even easier for the whole thing to be a fake. 

Nah, I believe she was really doing that - her voice definitely changed when she had stuff in her mouth vs when she didn’t. Although the act was flawed (her diction definitely could have been clearer and “devoted” sounded like “denoted” and “dedoded” most of the time), I liked her. I especially appreciate that she doesn’t use puppets - those things creep me out.

God save us from the sparkly little girl group and Jojo Siwa’s gazillion followers. I’d like to see how far they could make it if Jojo weren’t attached.

[ams1001]

35 minutes ago, rr2911 said:

.  Nicholas Ribs - I liked his first performance better.  What ruined it for me was at the end of the performance, he was doing something under the table.  Obviously it was something that helped with his tricks.

There was also one point where his right hand was doing something and he brought his left hand up over the table in a fist...it was obvious he had something in it, ready to "magically appear."

[Mr. Sparkle]

20 minutes ago, ams1001 said:

There was also one point where his right hand was doing something and he brought his left hand up over the table in a fist...it was obvious he had something in it, ready to "magically appear."

I agree, the concept was cool, but the sleight of hand was done better by Shin Lim and even the guy from last week. 

[Neet]

For those who said Hayden was terrible (not denying), do you think she was worse than the pageant woman and the Asian woman from previous weeks? I don't think they can be outdone in terms of awful material. The former had no jokes and the latter didn't even have a routine. Nevertheless, they all hold for applause that multiplies to more than they deserve out of pity. You'd think the dead air they spend drumming up sympathy would be better used for more material, which I'm pretty sure is what some of the highest placing comedians on the show did. (rapid fire jokes)

[Mr. Sparkle]

29 minutes ago, Neet said:

For those who said Hayden was terrible (not denying), do you think she was worse than the pageant woman and the Asian woman from previous weeks?

Oof. That's like asking if I prefer a toothache to an earache. 

If I had to choose, I would say the pageant woman was the best of the 3. Hayden had bad jokes, but the Japanese comic had no jokes, so it's a toss-up. 

[ams1001]

12 minutes ago, Superclam said:

Oof. That's like asking if I prefer a toothache to an earache. 

If I had to choose, I would say the pageant woman was the best of the 3. Hayden had bad jokes, but the Japanese comic had no jokes, so it's a toss-up. 

I would say pageant woman (can't remember her name and it took me a minute to even picture her in my mind), then Hayden, then the Japanese comic (Aiko?). Hayden had a few mildly funny lines (even if one of them has been a facebook meme for a while...then again, I guess I can't prove it didn't originate from her in the first place....who knows?). Aiko seemed to be covering her lack of real jokes with yelling, and that was annoying.

[Chit Chat]

17 hours ago, ams1001 said:

A cappuppet?

Lol!

16 hours ago, Diana Berry said:

I was wondering if she was holding something in the cup to make the liquid go down.

I think so.  The liquid went down too evenly, as if being drained from the bottom up.  I liked her first audition better.  

4 hours ago, sharifa70 said:

Nah, I believe she was really doing that - her voice definitely changed when she had stuff in her mouth vs when she didn’t.

I noticed that when she ate the popcorn.  It was at that moment that I checked out of her performance.  

[rr2911]

1 hour ago, Neet said:

For those who said Hayden was terrible (not denying), do you think she was worse than the pageant woman and the Asian woman from previous weeks? I don't think they can be outdone in terms of awful material. The former had no jokes and the latter didn't even have a routine. Nevertheless, they all hold for applause that multiplies to more than they deserve out of pity. You'd think the dead air they spend drumming up sympathy would be better used for more material, which I'm pretty sure is what some of the highest placing comedians on the show did. (rapid fire jokes)

To tell you the truth, the Asian woman got to me or should I say, "rubbed me the wrong way" with her jokes cutting down Americans.  Maybe it's just me being too sensitive, but she comes to the US and bashes Americans.  Are you serious?  Of course the judges aren't from the US and think she was hilarious!  I didn't think she was funny then but when she had to come up with material she couldn't.  The pageant woman and Hayden didn't have good material and weren't funny.  The Asian woman's performance was just awful!