S17.E11: Qualifiers 1

[Mr. Sparkle]

Live from the Pasadena Civic Auditorium, 11 performers take the stage as judging is turned over to the American viewing audience to vote their favorite performers into the final round.

Airs Tuesday, August 9th, 8:00 PM EDT.

[ams1001]

"...most amazing dog act we've ever seen?" Uh, I think not. They're cute, but "chaotic" was a good word for it.

"It's always moving when we see you here...." Uh, you've seen her once before...what's this "always"?

Parmesan guy sounded like Ben Folds when he was singing seriously...(big difference being that I can stand Ben Folds).
"Big Parma"...man is seriously testing my love of a good/bad pun with that one.

Ukrainian contortionist is making my back and hips hurt just watching him. But he sure looks like he's having fun...

How many pearl-clutching comments will they get on social media for the woman dancing in a thong?

If I voted, which I don't, I don't know that I would vote for anyone tonight...

[Neet]

Amoukanama - Their video package mentioned how bad Africa was, which made me wonder if the decades of propaganda about the country's poverty was to dissuade anybody from wanting to visit what is actually a private utopia. "We hail from the land of roller coasters and movie theaters" was hard to interpret from the thick accents. I was getting into this one until having a paranoid thought of the executives making them shuck and jive for our entertainment, and I became enraged since I celebrate Black History Month six months early. After a while, it felt like the act didn't have a whole lot of cohesion to it and became a bunch of disconnected stunts. Still decent, but you know.

Amazing Veranica & Her Incredible Friends - A friend told me to expect raw dogging on the show tonight, which made me report him to the police without context before realizing he was talking about the live, unedited nature of the dog's performance. That's why there's a lot of second hand embarrassment watching these pet acts, since they're only compliant when they feel like it and probably only do things for treats due to not knowing what's happening. At least there were no obvious screw-ups, but it was similar to the last act where the tricks didn't flow together very well. There was a quick-change routine here, but it's hard to be amazed at the speed or even quantify it when nobody has ever seen a dog put on clothing voluntarily.

Ava Swiss - I heard she mentions the shooting in her video intro, but I haven't seen the full clip. 😉 Great example of a contestant who relies on a story, as the performance was rather nondescript. I have nothing. Seems like putting 'Swiss' before 'Parmesan' was deliberate. If Howie pointed it out, I skipped all commentary and didn't hear him say anything, so we can share the credit for the half-hearted "heh" response it deserves.

Ben Lapidus - His first song actually sounded decent, so it was disappointing but not unexpected for him to rehash the same Parmesan song as before. Just like the first time, it only became funny during the last 30 seconds when thinking about how ridiculous it is. I can at least see Ben's logic for screaming about one's desperation for animal-derived foods when we're all mandated to eat mung beans fried in tempeh in name of the environment in a few years.

Lace Larrabee - She only got one X tonight, and since women have two X chromosomes, I was confused about her gender until being left with a thousand yard stare during the performance cleared it right up.  It's a somewhat common sentiment to say that beauty queens eventually have to gain a personality when their looks begin to fade, but after seeing tonight's display, I'd hope that the founders of Juviderm are working on something even more potent. Howie said that the issue may have been Lace's material not being relatable to men, although I don't think it's a requirement for something to be funny. Using absurdity/exaggeration of things people aren't familiar with is still amusing - and getting scientific about this feels like extra gushing about the engineer, who was actually good.

Drake Milligan - The Elvis impersonating must be in his blood because it still sounds like Drake is channelling him despite repeatedly doing original material. Not a good thing when the original is likely still alive, to cite my lifelong ability to sense all news being a lie without having evidence to say so. Drake sounds and looks a lot like Laine Hardy, and to refresh anybody's memory, he's the American Idol winner who took 2.5 years to release a debut album. Some of the songs on it were actually good, but Drake can probably take it farther since he has a modicum of work ethic and is apparently putting out an album the day after AGT ends. Laine's entire discography revolves around how much he loves living in a town of 50 people in Louisiana, but his stay in California still penned the tune 'The Other LA' where he continues to gush about walking 20 miles to a corner store with a gasoline canister of water on his head, so branching out probably isn't in the cards. Drake's song from tonight was pretty solid, even though any comment like "that could be played on country radio today!" is rather irrelevant when the genre's sound has barely changed in 40 years.

Oleksandr Yenivatov - He admits that Simon erased the X from his audition because 'Ukraine'. Despite his flexibility, running away from the first sign of harm turned out to be his greatest athletic feat. I'd do it too, although I thought men under 60 or some certain age were forced to stay there. Anyway, there was an audible and awkward silence for most of the performance, as if the X's were going to be hit in rapid succession. It's most impressive how unlikely he is to get muscle and joint injuries in the country where a sprained thumb calls for remortgaging your house (the one you didn't own in the first place) to pay the bill. This was pretty boring.

Players Choir - They were a lot worse tonight than the first time, and it was an odd song choice because nobody's singing abilities were highlighted that much. Confetti falling down from the ceiling was confusing since this isn't the finale, but I suppose the stage tech wasn't going to tell a group of tall and strong men who could kick his ass that they didn't just win the show.

Stefanny and Yeeremy - Throughout the performance, it seemed like the woman was doing all the work, which is a common utterance when American men average at 300 pounds. Looking at better looking men than myself dancing with a girl I fancy is usually exclusive to scrolling on Instagram, so this was proof that old media isn't dead yet. Despite the skill required, this was quite dull.

Don McMillan - Mentioning the differences between men and women is liable to get you thrown in a cell these days, but what a night and day comparison to Lace's set. He relies on a gimmick and visual aids, but that's not necessarily a crutch when his commentary is good. Nothing to say, he was really entertaining.

Avery Dixon - Terry introduced him by announcing "he's been bullied!", which further proves that every act has to fit into a tear-jerking stereotype first and actually be able to do anything second. He's pretty talented, but you have to wonder how marketable saxophone playing is for the mainstream when the tempo makes it impossible to fit in lyrics about toting glocks and other things I find cool as long as everyone involved lives 5000 miles away from me. I didn't even know he was doing a Stevie Wonder song, since my ignorance made me assume that most saxophone pieces are improvisational unless noted otherwise. Perhaps Stevie will record a video for tomorrow's results show wishing Avery luck, and his admittance of having watched the performance will confirm that he's likely been able to see for decades.

Edited August 10, 2022 by Neet

[InternetToughGuy]

Kind of torn on if the show overall was bad or tolerable - the latter perhaps being an award that has never been handed out. The formatting of there being another 4 weeks of 11 acts performing just makes it seem like everyone is going to be forgotten about, although there's not a lot of good will anyways.

//

Amoukanama - I know Africa is a terrible place to live, but come Winter in the miserable Pacific Northwest, I can't help but look at travel brochures of Djibouti since getting sunshine outweighs living at the dump. Whichever act is doomed by performing first pretty much guarantees that they won't move on and they just serve as the means to get the audience to clap and "start the show off right". I am afraid of just how many future generations the debt acquired from paying for all of their flights home will extend, since it seems certain that they won't make it. Like I've mentioned in the past, those custom set designs with the act's name written on some object are always so embarrassing.

Amazing Veranica & Her Incredible Friends - "Easily impressionable mutts" I whisper, totally oblivious to my lack of reasoning several minutes prior when cancelling my Christmas flight home over my parents' politics. As far as dog acts go, this was pretty decent, but it's obviously limited as to what they can do. She mentioned Olate Dogs who seem to have achieved a level of irrelevance few non-opera acts ever get to touch, but I do wonder about them as well as Veranica what they'll do when all the dogs die - I doubt her strictness is anywhere near that of Joe Jackson who commands his son to earn him money beyond the grave.

Ava Swiss - I had a standing ovation when I remembered she was 18 and then was quite serene with boredom throughout the performance. Even though practising singing myself has revealed the old notion of "anyone who can sing was born with it!" as being idiotic, it's just incredibly rare for any musical acts to not be boring.

Ben Lapidus - Just like last time, it became funny during the last few seconds after forcing the joke for a few minutes. Since Americans describe their portion sizes in acres, I can understand the upset at anything less than infinite cheese.

Lace Larrabee - I am trying to come up with a reason for disliking all female comediennes beyond that lone middle school girl rejecting my valentine 20 years ago leading to a white hot misogyny that refuses to die. I guess female jokes are tailored too much to women and men generally don't pigeon-hole the material, but either way I could see all the punchlines coming and she lacks the youthful looks that would make me laugh automatically in hopes of being the guy picked to buy her things. Simon nonsensically calling her a southern Bell (Biv Devoe, I assume) confirmed he was exhausted and not thinking clearly.

Drake Milligan - I figured more than halfway into Summer without wearing sunscreen would put him closer to his goal of being confused with the other Drake, but no progress has been made with that. He started off as an Elvis impersonator, which made me confused, as I thought you could only offer tribute to people who were dead and not the subject of a flimsy conspiracy I admit the only evidence I have supporting it are backmasked words on his albums that sound like nothing. Anyway, the act was pretty good. Usually the only cunt-tree music acts I like are the female ones who have a visible bush growing out of their shorts, but this guy is solid.

Oleksandr Yenivatov - Him being from a place where there is (allegedly) something going on guarantees the applause won't stop until society is collectively bullied into feigning care about something else. I sound a little peeved, but the photo I took of myself donating to the cause broke my all time record of Facebook likes and made me feel altruistic even when I immediately sent an angry email to the site's webmaster demanding a refund. Anyways, the story of this act, whatever it was, was so weak and boring. He really should've auditioned a decade ago, since ballbusting is becoming "stepsister" levels of popular in porn and hence this act has little thrill to offer.

Players Choir - I can't help but think the song choice of Can't Stop The Feeling was an attempt at raising public awareness for the chronic neuropathy that plagues all of them after spending a decade diving onto their heads. It's a little funny that with recruitment to the military being at an all time low due to no longer believing in pointless violence, the American passion of grown men literally trying to kill each other over a football still resonates. In my head, I'd be extremely polite throwing a jersey at them mid-performance demanding they all sign it right then and there, along with my sworn guarantee as a man that it would be going immediately to eBay. I have nothing real to say.

Stefanny and Yeeremy - The girl seemed to drop the "Ste" part of her name, as this was an act I could actually smell through the TV. America seems to be the only country where you're encouraged to be patriotic to every country other than your own, whereas my allegiance lies with whichever nation gives me the most free shit that I don't deserve - definitely not Canada, since the health care system only works if you're psychic and can alert the doctor that you'll be breaking your arm 5 years from now as to not die waiting for treatment. Anyway, the act was 99% about her rump, which should be the standard, but it was still pretty boring.

Don McMillan - I've noticed that there is rarely any joke material for good acts, usually because there are never good acts, but he's been the only funny comedian in what seems like years. I hope he can settle down with someone 40 years his junior.

Avery Dixon - Terry introducing him as being bullied seems to have made any chances of getting girls dead in the water, though you can manage to salvage that depending on how you spin the stories of adversity. I can still impress girls by divulging the insane shit I've somehow survived at my own hands, though further revealing that setting myself on fire was over the stress of a meaningless high school Spanish quiz sends them running again. The performance was pretty good, though I don't know what the ceiling is for these acts other than the pinnacle seeming like getting 2 seconds of screen time when the camera cuts to the house band on Conan giggling. I had no idea he was doing actual songs, especially as I thought all jazz was essentially freestyled depression. As a saxophone player, he is great at "reeding" the room 🤓. There's no way to end this post.

///

It may be a good thing or a hell having to write a post tomorrow, even though the whole thing may be one line long, as what would there be to say about 9 acts who you have little attachment to doing a teary wave goodbye.

[Vermicious Knid]

I applaud Ben Lapidus knowing he was never going to advance and 100% leaning into being The Parmesan Cheese Guy.

Comedienne who got x-ed was pretty bad. Dog act was all the standard animal tricks. Somebody really needs to invent a new, original dog training bit. Choir was meh, traumatized singer was eh. Howie said the country singer could be on the radio right now. Yes, because his voice and the song were bland, boring, and generic. I'm hardly an expert on dance but I thought Stefanny was great. I hope she gets a spot on one the Dancing shows as a pro. Saxophone player was good...as background music. I pretty much tuned him out and didn't realize he was performing.

Only two moving on, I think it was five in previous seasons. Have the ratings been falling so much they want to wrap up early?

[Lonesome Rhodes]

What a forgettable show.  I was very surprised at some of the acts who made it this far.  Hard to accept that we could have a winner who performed a grand total of three times.

The one thing that was notable to me was Simon busting out the Carrie Underwood prediction.  Pretty sure he has never done that on AGT.

One fun moment was when TPTB cut short the jidges comments, but Howie started in anyway.  We heard maybe 4 or 5 words when they turned his mic off.

A significant truth about switching to live performance is that we don't get the editing manipulations which really, really, really enhance the acrobatics acts.  It also forces much more distant shots which also takes away a major level of personalization, not to mention an average viewer missing a bunch of stunts.  

ETA:  The loss of the slow motion effect is huge and not just for gymnasts/acrobats.

The one act I am sure of going through is sax guy.  He got the best possible slot and the energy he generated blew all the others away.  In terms of who I really hope does not make it, and there is almost no chance she does thanks to Simon's worthy buzzer, is the comedienne.

Edited August 10, 2022 by Lonesome Rhodes

[alexa]

I was watching the country singer and thinking how awful he was (granted I hate country since it became so generic and bland in the last 10-20 yrs), and then the judges said how great he was and he could be a star and win.  Eek!  This is when the show starts to lose me... it becomes all about bland singers and ugh.  

[ams1001]

1 hour ago, alexa said:

I was watching the country singer and thinking how awful he was (granted I hate country since it became so generic and bland in the last 10-20 yrs), and then the judges said how great he was and he could be a star and win.  Eek!  This is when the show starts to lose me... it becomes all about bland singers and ugh.  

I'm not a country fan by any stretch, but I remember liking his audition. Tonight I was bored.

[Mr. Sparkle]

Only 11 acts unfortunately means 11 back stories. Anyway... 

• African dancers - seem like nice fellows, and could probably use the money, but I thought they were mediocre. We've seen better dance groups. 
• Dog act - I was tired and sick, so that's why I fell asleep. No other reason. 
• Ava Swiss - all back story. Mediocre vocalist. 
• Parmesan guy - no chance of going through, the act is dumb, but I admire him for sticking through with it. I like this kind of nonsense. 
• Female comedian - dick move for Simon to X her and throw her timing off. That said, hack material that's been done before. 
• Country singer - I don't care for him, but the act is polished and he has a chance. The real reason established acts go on the show? 6 million people saw him play last night. 
• Ukrainian contortionist - repeat of the first time we saw him, where he bends his legs extremely far. That's the whole of the act. If he wasn't Ukrainian, we wouldn't be talking about him. 
• NFL choir - I could barely listen. This is a local talent show act at best. 
• Sexy Colombian dancers - so sexy! Again, buzzing them was dicky. No chance of going through. 
• Powerpoint comedian - actually pretty funny and original. The only act I'd like to see again. 
• Sax player - I didn't like him last time, but I actually listened closely to his playing and he's pretty decent. Has a chance. 

Good chance of going through

• Country singer
• Ava Swiss
• Powerpoint comedian
• Sax player

Long shot of going through

• African dancers
• Dog act
• Contortionist
• NFL choir

No chance in Hell

• Parmesan guy
• Female comedian
• Sexy dancers

[rr2911]

Just having 2 acts going through will make the show more exciting for the fans.  Having said that, yesterday's show was a bore!

.  Amoukanama - I thought they were good and were probably my 3rd best of the night.

.  Amazing Veronica - These dog acts might be cute but they're deadend acts because they're limited in what they can do.  Besides, we have seen these acts many, many times!

.  Ava Swiss - Her unfortunate story isn't going to save her this time.  She sounded ok, but the whole performance was boring.

.  Ben Lipedus - Hated him the first time and hated him the second time!  Sophia had the gull to ask how did he get here (live shows).  You and your lousy fellow judges passed him through, that's how!

.  Lace Larrabee - Comedians are hit and miss.  You have to be very special and very funny to make people laugh.  Lace isn't funny and certainly didn't make a lot of people laugh.  Her routine wasn't going nowehere and Simon's buzzer just out this act ou of it's misery  

.  Drake Milligan - Not much to say except the band played great and he was the second best of the night.

.  Oleksandr Yenivatov - Entertaining but not enough to place top 2.

.  Players Choir - Now I'm asking how they got here!  I just don't see anything spectacular about this choir.  They should've been given a pat on their backs for a nice try.

.  Stefanny and Yeeremy - I thought she was hot!  But I guess America won't judge the way I do....lol!  Anyway, the dancing was different than their audition, which is a good thing.  My issue with this act is a rinse and repeat type of performance.  We've seen this before.

.  Don McMillan - He was funny a few timesbut will he always use charts?

.  Avery Dixon - He was the best of the night.  I will say this, he doesn't need that "I was bullied sob story" anymore.  He's a talented saxaphone player and that's going to get him some gigs somewhere.  I happen to love jazz and the saxaphone is one of my favorites.  I know this genre isn't for everyone though.  I hope he goes through because of his talent and not his story.

Avery Dixon and Drake Milligan going through.

.   

[Diana Berry]

13 hours ago, Vermicious Knid said:

I applaud Ben Lapidus knowing he was never going to advance and 100% leaning into being The Parmesan Cheese Guy.

Comedienne who got x-ed was pretty bad. Dog act was all the standard animal tricks. Somebody really needs to invent a new, original dog training bit. Choir was meh, traumatized singer was eh. Howie said the country singer could be on the radio right now. Yes, because his voice and the song were bland, boring, and generic. I'm hardly an expert on dance but I thought Stefanny was great. I hope she gets a spot on one the Dancing shows as a pro. Saxophone player was good...as background music. I pretty much tuned him out and didn't realize he was performing.

Only two moving on, I think it was five in previous seasons. Have the ratings been falling so much they want to wrap up early?

That’s what I’m trying to figure out.  Why only two.  
 

I fell asleep went back and voted for the dogs and the acrobats.  

[DaphneCat]

I kind of like this new format.  We really didn't need to see the Football guys choir, Ava Swiss, Parmesan Cheese guy or some of the other acts again to know that they have absolutely no shot of winning this.  If an act is 4, 5, or 6  there is NO WAY they will improve enough to win the show so sparing us having to sit through them again, only to have them eliminated in the semi-finals seems like a kindness.  After all, did anyone REALLY enjoy watching the trailer park comic (was it Vicki Barbolack or something like that?) go through what seemed like 237 performances?  I also really didn't miss the 8,327 shots of the contestants "on the bubble" while we were all encouraged to "instantly vote" for someone who was going to lose anyway.