Tooch

Fiona officially the worst legal guardian in history. I thought at least when she moved in with Sean that she would at least take Liam out of that hell hole. But no. She left him there knowing what Carl does to get all that money. Honestly, she belongs in prison. I'm sure she'd act completely offended to hear me say that, because she is the most oblivious person ever. God damn. I actually feel pretty bad for Sean. He lost his car and now he's going to lose his kid, all because made the mistake of getting involved with the Worst Person Ever. Loved Carl though. Would like to see a lot more of that. And I can't believe I'm saying this, but I looooved Queenie and Lip! Adorable. Please let this be the last of fucking Helene, and please don't let Lip become a Frank-level alcoholic. Let him be happy, SHOW.

One thing bugging me as a now mature adult with healthy hatred for what a colossal douche Dylan became with the advent of The Triangle is that he clearly doesn't think much of either of his "loves". His vision for the future involves Brenda as a haggard and naggy mother of ten and Kelly as a shallow, ditzy gold digger. What the fuck? It's not that surprising about Kelly because honestly I don't think they ever did a good job establishing why Dylan even falls for Kelly aside from lust and a desire to break away from his overly intense relationship with Brenda. When Steve or someone makes a "what did you guys win, Gloomiest Couple?" joke at Dylan I snort because seriously.

That's one of the only things I liked about Donna's fried-ass hair is that it was kind of realistic that someone addicted to home bleach jobs would have dried out nasty hair. Then again, Donna is supposed to be rich so you'd think her image-obsessed mom would pay for the right treatments to fix that shit. I also liked the shaggy/messy do that Kelly sports during sophomore year of college for the same reason; it was way more realistic than the pageant queen up-dos she favors in high school.

The focus on Lip getting wasted as a way of dealing with Helene makes me VERY concerned that they're heading towards a "Lip spirals into alcoholism and becomes what he hates most (Frank)" storyline. On one hand, it's realistic. Addiction runs in families. On the other hand, UGH. There have been so many opportunities to give Lip interesting storylines as he adjusts to life in college coming from his horrible background. I enjoyed his initial culture shock and his struggling with the assignments and schedule. That was GOOD. Then Amanda sorting him out and him shifting into a routine and getting used to idea of *actually* breaking away from the "ghetto" and not letting anyone make him feel shitty for it. That was GOOD. Everything since then has been insanely unrealistic (he would not have been tossed from the dorm with no notice for a completely minor and easily correctable thing like painting a mural on the wall, and he would not be an undergrad TA teaching classes for Prof. Drunko) or predictable and awful (the entire affair with the hot professor). Also did anyone else notice that Carl is apparently now growing weed? Between that and contributing to a delinquency of a minor by allowing him to have regular booze shipments, Fiona's ass would be back in jail like yesterday.

The triangle story in this episode is soooo awful, mainly because it would have made a heck of a lot more sense if Dylan and Kelly had already confessed about the Summer of Deception. Where is this "we both love you" and "I love you both" fucking nonsense coming from?! From Brenda's perspective, Kelly and Dylan have had exactly one date. One! So why is she even putting herself on even ground with Kelly? I mean, I know the answer is she didn't think Kelly stood a chance. But if she really thinks that she never would have agreed to the ultimatum because the ultimatum itself implies they are somehow equal, when from her perspective it's a contest of "two year serious relationship" vs "one date". I mean, what the hell!?

Wait, I distinctly recall the Friends theme song and the Party of Five theme song being hits back in the day...were they just not number one hits? Hard to believe about Friends. That song was on the radio about 1,000 times a day back in 1995.

Does anyone else really want Brenda's huge Koosh ball she's carrying in that last shot? I used to love those things! And boy howdy do I hate how Dylan, fucking Dylan, just cheerfully kisses them both. Like okay, a little levity is much appreciated from him and particularly regarding the triangle of despair--I'm particularly looking forward to their double date with the 15 year old dweebs--but he's just such an asshat.

Weird how they retconned Dylan's money. He tells Ann his trust fund has "hundreds of millions" in it. But when Jack kicks it it's 10 million. Then when he gets conned out of it (insert Nelson "ha ha!") it's become $8 million. Jonesy takes half of it, which leaves him with $4 million, but they still act like he's this rich motherfucker. I'm just saying, I'd love to have $4 million, but it doesn't make you a Rockafellah, you know? Edited to add: I know fuck all about horses but it's not like Shadowcaster was a Kentucky Derby winner--were freaking show jumpers really worth $1.4 million dollars in 1992?

OMG, SLEEPWALKERS. Maybe I'm just way too Team Brenda, but I still felt a little "oh, come on!" when Donna tried to make it seem like Brenda and Kelly were equally in the wrong. For calling Kelly a slut? Yes, Brenda was wrong. But for being pissed as fuck that her BFF moved in on her boyfriend a minute after they broke up? Come on! At least she let Kelly have it too, but I still couldn't believe they made up so quickly.

Oh god, they cut the Rick/Jim singalong? Noooo! What I remember is the synchronized tie flips! The song was "great balls of fire." WHY DO I KNOW THIS! I think this also was a problem in the episode where Donna finds out about her mom's affair. I remember the podcast Sarah and Tara seemed confused by a weird scene including Jim and the keyboard that was totally out of place, but that episode actually had him doing a series of "numbers" for the family on the keyboard and driving everyone crazy.

I find it hard to ever consider Team Kelly because while she definitely gave more of a shit about Brenda's feelings than fucking Dylan, she also was pulling some major horseshit out of her butt with that "I held Dylan at arm's length all summer!" line. Whose arm, Kelly? Perhaps a BEE'S? Because you were all up in that shit.

That does make sense. The scene I think of is Brenda sobbing in Jim's arms and saying how "he dumped me for my BEST friend and I feel like I'm drowning" and my heart just breaks for the character. Because seriously, no one gave a shit even after the truth came out that her serious boyfriend of two years cheated on her with her best friend and then they got together like it was no big deal. Even Brandon didn't give a shit, and he was the one who didn't even want D/B together in the first place because he was worried he would break her heart. HOW was this not a bigger deal! I remember another scene where Kelly has her awkward first meeting with Iris, shortly after her and Dylan get together for good. And she complains to Donna about how Iris asked about Brenda and Donna was all "right in front of you? Rude!" Donna was more defensive on Kelly's behalf over this non-slight than she was for Brenda who was thoroughly betrayed by the two people she cared about the most. It's so infuriating and I hate that the writers were so influenced by the fact that their leading lady (gasp!) had a bad personality. Grow up, 90210 team.

I am firmly on Bren's side and always have been, but even more so now that I'm re-living it. She was mature and honest with Dylan all through this final act in their relationship. She told him immediately about her fling upon returning from Paris and asked him flat out what it meant for them. She was honest again about him showing up. She was rightfully angry when Dylan admitted his own infidelity and didn't let him get away with the "you cheated too!" bs since she rightfully pointed out that she didn't keep it from him for weeks and weeks after the fact. And their breakup made sense and she handled it totally maturely, whereas he made a fucking BEELINE immediately to his mistress' bedroom. In short: What. A. Dick. Already dreading the next couple episodes. Dreading. Because not only is everyone terrible to Brenda (HOW does no one in their circle of friends point out to Kelly and Dylan how completely shitty they are? Donna almost does, but she seems to only do so because she wants to make peace between them, not because she's truly disgusted by the whole thing.), but Brenda is also terrible. If I recall, there is a LOT of slut-shaming towards Kelly, which, ugh. I mean, anger? Yes. Feeling of betrayal and disgust? Yes? "Well, I am not surprised since you ARE a gigantic whore." No. Just no. Oh god I cannot wait until Monday!

In a showdown of "Teen Douchebag Lead Characters," does Brandon beat out Dawson Leery? It's a really tough call for me. At least Dawson never tried to solve racism. And when you finish 90210 can Again With This please do Dawson's Creek? Would Sarah need to start blood pressure medicine?

I actually never blamed Brandon for the second time the Mustang got fucked up, you ask me it was all Brenda and Dylan's fault for taking his keys instead of having Brenda drive his car home for him and forcing him and Emily into it (or giving them cab money). Dylan is in particular to blame here--he's sooooo worldly about raves but he didn't know that leaving a nice car in a horrible neighborhood was a bad call? As for why Brandon needed a ride at all, well that wasn't quite his fault either hehe. Jim and Cindy still suck though. Completely.

I hate that I know this: the reason they used a tightrope was because GC actually learned to walk a tightrope for Circus of the Stars (an actual show in the 80s/90s) so they trotted it out. But that's no excuse for her outfit. <br /><br />Dylan telling Brenda he loves her while staring at Kelly was the moment even 12 year old Tooch realized he was a fucking skinny twat unworthy of my love. What a douuuuche. <br /><br />Brandon thinking he could get into any of those schools with a B average haha! Stanford!?! I had an above 4.0 thanks to AP classes in high school and I still got rejected by NYU.

I don't know why it's Kelly who is tagged the school tramp when Donna is the one consistently wearing outfits that practically show her vagina. From what I gathered, Donna's persistent virginity was because of Aaron Spelling. But why bother with a virginal character when you're going to constantly dress her like the hookers in Pretty Woman? Speaking of Kelly the Slut...I don't get it. She was a snobby bitch in early season 1 when Brenda first showed up, that much is true, but we never saw her as "shall we say loose." Closest I can figure is when she tried to have sex with Gay Kyle on the first date. They're always going on about her "reputation" to the point where she thinks Dylan only wants her for sex when they first start dating, but Dylan is the first guy on the show we even see her have sex with. It's so WEIRD!

My name is Tooch, and I loved and still love Donna's baseball dress. Help me!

Hmm, while I agree she was heavily tempted by him, I think she went after him to say goodbye because she felt guilty about standing him up with no word.

Would that Dylan's Paradise Cove sleeping bag were made of....you guessed it..BEES!!!! He. Is. The. Worst. Person. Ever. from here on out. RIP, Good Dylan. You fucking suck. Eat a bag of dicks. Preferably, dicks covered in bees.

I am listening at work, and literally cackled/snorted when Sarah suggested Dylan head into the sea on a surfboard made of bees. It was, how do you say? "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS"

Funny, I'd say the opposite! While her Peak Hair Period was definitely late junior year and the summer in Paris, I loved her look around the time she was auditioning for the Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. The first half of that college season her hair was a bit dark and goth-like to me, with the color and the skinny eyebrows.

I think the reason I hate the Summer of Deception and everything that follows is that it is the total end of likability for Dylan and Kelly as characters. I hate everything about Dylan from here on out. The cheating itself is gross, particularly the way he acts like it's no big at all even as Kelly's tearing herself down about how Brenda is "someone we both love" (pfff whatevs bitch). The being with Brenda when she gets back and putting it all on Kelly is gross--he was basically like "well my girlfriend's back and I will be with her indefinitely UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO SAY SOMETHING!" which is unfair to both women involved. The way he acts like Brenda has no right to be upset about him running off to date Kelly after their breakup. The way he snots "hey you broke up with ME remember?" right in front of Kelly, making it clear they wouldn't even be together if Brenda hadn't pulled the trigger. The way he imagines his future with both of them as the worst possible nightmare. The way he YELLS at Brenda during the big confession about the Summer of Deception. Like dude, you just told her you cheated on her with her best friend. She's ALLOWED to get pissed! I just can't with him. Also Kelly is sulky and annoying from here on out, their relationship is pure torture right from the start, and then she turns self-righteous as fucking Brandon for the remaining seasons. Alllll this being said....I do love the melodrama. I am imagining myself as I was, dying over this week in, week out at the age of 12 and I love it!

I want to say there's also some business with Jim's parents when Brenda gets engaged to fucking Stuart at age 18 after only dating him for 3 weeks, and for some reason Jim's mom is totally THRILLED about it and there's extra tension because she's such an idiot or something? I can't remember. And yes there's definitely something with the goddamn homeless veteran who comes to lecture everyone on Thanksgiving and gives Jim a hard time for not going to Vietnam--as if THAT is something to be ashamed of considering how much that war sucked.

Haven't listened yet but I hope they talk about how great that Scarlet Sundress of Betrayal is on Kelly. I'd wear that shit tomorrow (and could, because it's going to be 70 degrees in the northeast all week because we are all DOOMED).