Snookums

And depressingly accurate.

Clearly, the chicken is God. Liked this one--got lots of gears moving but not too fast or too slow. You really saw the kind of ultra-bone-deep crazy Jesse Custer was raised in and with, and yet he still had the mental strength to leave, no matter how scarred he was. Herr Starr may think he's got the market cornered on manipulation, but he'd do well to take a few lessons from Gran'ma. Although, I do wonder if Jesse really thought Starr would hand over his soul--I guessed not, and he did the whole Voice thing to make Starr think he was that stupid, planning to get hold of the real deal at a later point. But of course Tulip--off balance, vulnerable, beset by visions and memories of betrayal--couldn't trust him no matter how much she insisted she did, panicked, and screwed up the whole thing. These two haven't been on the same page since before the beginning of things and it's definitely starting to show. The aftermath tension between Jesse and Cassidy was another good bit; how Tulip keeps demanding to know what the hell's wrong between them, and neither can actually say it to her face, because than it would be really real, not just a bone of contention between two men and their testosterone poisoning. Cass's face when she's laughing at his jokes and saying oh, I love you was so great, because it's like dying of thirst and drinking from a poisoned well. You know it's going to kill you but you can't stop yourself. Speaking of Cassidy, he may have his flaws, but he is the very best person in the ENTIRE WORLD to do drugs with! Fun, doesn't bogart the stash, completely willing to hear about your horrifying rape dreams. "Tell me you are the worst person here."

Yep, I'm sure Jesse got real used real fast to holding his cards close to his vest when it came to Gran'ma and her little ghoul cabal there. He was truly screwed over from the womb. I'm very glad we A) took up where we left off and B) didn't drag out Tulip's reemergence on this earthly plane. Mainly because Ruth Negga was glowing with beauty and health and just not looking very dead at all. Loved the classic "fight in the background" between Jesse and Cassidy over Cassidy's assholish reveal while she lay there all radiant. It's the first ep of the third but already calling it--line of the season goes to TC and his incomparably delivered "Aw, now Jesse, that was my Swamp Consomme!" His combination of innocence and depravity is great. Jody the killer Man-Mountain is also perfect. Gran'ma knows how to get good help. Another casting coup was Tulip's dad, who walked in that door and charmed the socks off me within one nanosecond. It's a tricky role, because this is supposed to be Tulip's memory of her dad from when she was a young girl, and he really nailed the whole thing, from his "everything's gonna be different this time! Not like all those other times!" through the genuine regret about forgetting her candy and that fatal belief that O'Hares just cannot be anything other than colossal fuck ups. He really brought it playing it the way young Tulip would have had those memories stored. Poor Tulip. (Also...NECCO WAFERS? Well, we now have confirmation that Tulip's taste in food of all kinds has been horrific from the get-go.) God's clearly got something up that latex dog sleeve. What could it be? Guessing nothing good. Maybe it's going to be explaining what happened to Cassidy's hair between last season and this one. My favorite things? Let's see... Patty melt casserole with chocolate shakes, my special spaghetti sauce recipe, Shirley Jackson, Connie Willis and Ray Bradbury's entire ouvres, Mystery Science Theater 3000, my kitties, and hopefully some Mueller indictments.

So no monkey vengeance OR Crackers hat? Hmmph. I liked this one okay, but it felt sketchy and underdone, like trying to stretch out five servings of show for seven people. As much as loved Crackers, and the Pam/Archer friendship, Lana and Ray were so underused as to make me wonder if the contract negotiations got a little pointed, and Mallory didn't have much to do besides drink and coerce young women into prostitution. They seemed to have a lot of plans and just dumped all those for more of the Archer/Pam/Crackers trio. I think I'll like everything post-seven once ten is complete and all three "coma" seasons can be watched in a row. It's a big story being told in small pieces and it gets kind of irritating.

A fucking terrific 100th episode, and D-Day tribute as well! Take that, Nazi bastards! So the Mua Mua didn't seem too broken up at their population being basically halved, but hey, cannibals accept long odds, I guess. I wonder who they hunt and devour when Nazi Stormtroopers aren't available? How populated are these islands? My only real complaint about this season is that Lana really doesn't have much to do at all. It's like they had good plans for her character being totally Americanized to the point where she not only couldn't relate to her people or speak the language, but was cheerfully planning to steal their most sacred object and banged a Nazi to achieve that goal (geez, it sounds really bad when you say it out loud!) but then they couldn't be bothered to actually do more than the barest outlines of that. It's like, if you're gonna go there with Lana, you've got to climb that mountain, not get out of your car, wander over to the snack bar, and then go home. The finale better feature both a vengeful baby monkey and a Crackers hat.

That monkey's vengeance shall encompass the finale!

immortalfrieza, I kept trying to pick out a part of your post to highlight but frankly gotta say AMEN to the whole thing. I don't know if Gotham has the entire populace hypnotized or what, but clearly it's an unhealthy place to be in every sense of the word! I get pride in your hometown and all, but things have honestly gone too far. Remember when everybody was leaving during the Tetch virus thing? I was wondering what took them so long! I was so busy ranting about Barbara's shoddy treatment I didn't get around to actually saying anything about the episode, which I found serviceable and well performed, if overstuffed. David continues to absolutely bring the evolution of Bruce Wayne into a reluctant knight, Jim Gordon has shaken off his dummy shackles to face his own caretaking destiny, TPTB finally remembered Penguin is a dangerous psychopath, etc. It was a fifteen ring circus there for most of the running time--when blowing up every bridge out of the city takes up about five seconds of actual notice you've got too much going on--but everybody seemed to be enjoying cutting loose! Even smaller stories like Lee and Ed were handled in a psychologically appropriate way: Lee really nailed it when she told Ed that she was bound to disappoint him in the end and he'd kill her, that "it's just what you do." And like far too many women who get killed trying to leave an abusive partner, Ed proved her right immediately. It was a joy seeing Dr. Strange again, too! B.D. Wong plays him so fabulously, from drawling creepy voice to "ah, done with this, exit stage left!" duck out the door when Butch and Tabby were reunited--he hasn't stayed alive this long by hanging around when his part's over.

They may has well have written "you dumb bitches pushed #MeToo too far!" across that banner. God, the very idea that this crazy shit actually represents feminism... Barbara Keane has been yanked this way and that like a rag doll being fought over by slobbery-mouthed dogs for four seasons now; only Erin Richards' immense talents made her watchable through it all. But they've been totally gutting her actually becoming a threat by spinning her up, down, all around--ever since the R'as resurrection thing she's been at the mercy of whatever is ostensibly giving her power while actually constantly shoving her back to the starting gate. This entire season has been her gang and ambitions set up as a mocking parody against the other villains' battles and struggles; they run to her for help or guns or whatever and then--she's back at the club. Even the whole Demon Head thing wasn't about her, it was about Bruce and R'as! Hell, even PENGUIN got to close an arc more effectively than Barbara! The closest another female character came to being powerful was Sophia and look how that turned out. Even Lee is being defined only by her relationship to Ed! Every single remaining female main character was brutally savaged by a male villain this week (or last for Selena), and instead of having Barbara actually point that out, they make sure she sounds as silly and shrill and dumb as possible with her declaration. You don't believe for one second that she actually represents female rage or grasping the reins of power. It's just her back at the club. Again.

I don't either! With Hiram's demands she seems in a weaker position than ever, and she's known about her parents buying Pop's for ages: why doe she suddenly care now, out of nowhere? It seems to me that Hiram wanted the Worm a lot more than he ever cared about Pop's and she could have held out for much more. It's like they're playing hot potato with that million bucks in ransom money (seriously, does NOBODY in the New York crime syndicate care about this??? Isn't it a serious breach of etiquette, so to speak, that renders Hiram's family beneath contempt? Add this to the Poutine crap and Hiram should have damn target on his back.) I agree with the posters who mentioned that Moose was truly brokenhearted over Midge; again, on the type of show that would usually treat the brutal slaughter of a teenager by a serial killer as simply a plot point, they actually had someone weeping over her death and how callously her memorial was treated. The only other person who seemed to care deeply was her mother, which A) DUH and B) she didn't exactly handle her pain fabulously well, although she can take comfort in the fact that now she'll only go to jail for attempted murder.

They're chapter headings from Herman Melville's book Typee, which is set in the Polynesian Islands. Well, Crackers came out on top again, wearing not one but two adorable hats, and explaining the unfortunately named Scandals, hee. So, my husband ruined this one for me with his continual rantings that that many Nazis couldn't fit in three planes, while I contend that they were the crews of said planes. Since they were apparently bombers, I feel totally justified.

It really is getting ridiculous, and not just for Veronica. Here's a quote from over at AV Club: Between these overachievers and Jughead's tireless multifaceted campaigns, plus Archie's decent into mob-up-edness, I don't know how any of them are going to graduate before they're thirty.

I'm betting yes! Maybe that means Serena and Kevin's dad can get back together now too! What happened with Kevin's dad and all that, by the way? He managed to arrest Hal despite not even being sheriff anymore but Hiram and Minetta get all the credit??? How is it that Kevin isn't drowning social media with that story?

Okay, who else had to google who the hell Cassidy was, even after Archie brought up his murder to Hiram? *raises hand* If you're like me and can't remember: https://heavy.com/entertainment/2018/05/riverdale-cassidy/ He was the cashier/robber at Veronica's Lodge (hee) who Archie chased into the woods. Andre took over, told Archie to leave, and you hear gunshots. Andre was also conveniently murdered by Small Fry so there's that. Remind me to never work for the Lodges: their health and retirement plans SUCK. (Just ask Tallboy, who wasn't even the Black Hood but got murdered by the Corrupt Sheriff/Real BH anyway! Hiram is the Dirty Bomb of gangsters--he goes off and the damage just keeps spreading.) Well! That was a good wrapup as far as it went, along with setting up the two/three main threads of next season: proving Archie's innocence, foiling Hiram, and the whole Farm Cult Polly thing. That poor actress has been very ill-served by this season; she just shows up to shove the plot forward and tote those adorable dumpling babies across the set. I still find it bizarre that neither Cheryl nor Penelope has asked about those twins ONCE, after all the brouhaha last season! Don't they even care about the Blossom Blood and the will and all that atonal jazz? Anyway! Things that I adore about Riverdale and its pocket universe: Veronica deciding to run a speakeasy in Pop's basement. Uh, okay, I'm pretty sure cabaret licenses are A) impossible to get for minors and B) thoroughly mobbed up. Ms. McCoy may be a good lawyer but she's not a magician! Of course, this is the town that is A Okay with minors not only hanging out but tending bar at the Wyrm, so whatever, right? Maybe this will resurrect the rest of the Pussycats from the POC netherworld they're currently stored in (I watched the crowd scenes and didn't spot Chuck, Val, or Silent Melody anywhere.) Hiram's logic, which seems to be "burn your bridges before they're built." He wants to be lord of a crime empire, I guess? Which, I guess? Is a thing? That could be an ambition? But how is he planning to reconcile his wife being mayor, his private prison, his estranged daughter and her boyfriend whom HE HAD ARRESTED, the Ghoulies/Serpents crowd and the crime families that are gunning for his blood and nearly killed his own family like two days ago? Plus the nutjob duo of Penelope and Evil-er Brother Claudius, plus Penny the world's most ragged-ass lawyer? He's got an insane amount of balls in the air here and that's not even factoring in the whole he's on parole thing--if V really wanted to get rid of him she should just call the New York authorities with a list of his doings. Archie, after flirting with competence last week, once again plunges into the depths with the whole "threaten you! I mean it!" thing with Hiram: again, all he would have to do is drop a line to the other crime families (who aren't happy about Nick St. Clair or the Poutine debacle, nor will they be thrilled with Hiram creating some kind of One Night In Bangkok fever dream/cash generator in the South Side without cutting them in) and bingo, problem solved. The only damn reason Hiram's still around is that the people who know enough to put him down insist on doing things in the most idiotic, sidewinding way possible. (Who is Hiram planning on selling all this sex and drugs to, by the way? He's destroyed the South Side and most of his customer base! Plus, he knows that Hermione isn't mayor for life, right? That this kind of open illegal crap isn't probably going to fly with most of the North Side people even if they do sneak over to partake now and again? THIS BUSINESS PLAN IS ILL THOUGHT OUT. I'm just saying.) Moving on to Betty and her sad family: man, that sucks, doesn't it? I'm amazed that a florid soap opera like Riverdale took enough time out to point out the horrendous damage done to the Cooper family in the aftermath of the Black Hood debacle. I mean, it was mostly there to set up Polly being the one who's actually dark/cult influence blah blah blah, but hey, take what you can get. Betty and Juggie 4-EVA! Now, was that snuggling in the Five Seasons (who give rooms to gang members in their jackets, I see--who paid for that suite, anyway?) supposed to hint that Jug wanted Betty to be his Queen in the co-running the gang way, or was that a proposal? It's obviously a terrible, terrible idea, they aren't even seniors and so on, but still, it warmed the cockles of my cold, dead heart. And hell, considering the fact that a bunch of teenagers are running everything anyway, maybe Betty will have better luck than Polly did.

I watch it with the ads (because screw you, Comcast) and it's literally only one ad per break, so it's really not too bad. However, Comcast has the TERRIBLE UNFORGIVABLE habit of cutting off the last joke before the fade (We hear "free bear claws!" and then it cuts before the growl exchange.) So, go to hell, Comcast. Crackers laughing helplessly at the Chinchilladas ("I forgot all about that! Jesus Christ!") was utterly hilarious and rivaled Judy Greer's ability with line reads. Poor Luigi. While I find it amusing in a horrible way that Mallory is fine with forced prostitution but not passed-out-woman sexual assault, Mallory's ALWAYS been a ghastly and bankrupt human being; I assume this was Archer's unconscious version of her lack of any ethical structure.

Me (tense all ep thinking they're gonna kill Harvey off): YAY, that was great! (Bruce and Selina have a lovely, age-appropriate kiss that's just so sweet) Me: YAY, that's so cute! (Jeremiah SHOOTS SELINA) Me: GODDAMMIT TO HELL Poor Selina! I'm sure what's going to happen is that she'll live but be paralyzed, so R'as can offer to dunk her in the Lazarus Pit in exchange for Bruce's soul or whatever he's after this week (although Bruce knows where it is anyway, so he doesn't really need R'as for that.) The Pit will whackadoo Selena's brain and she'll get all cold and wiry and shit and ONCE AGAIN neither of these two teenagers will be allowed one nice thing in their wretched, chaotic lives. DAMMIT. If this is what finally gets Bruce and Alfred to invest in a damn door lock and some window bars, however, I'll be somewhat cynically thrilled. Okay, honestly? I loved the Ed/Jim scene. Unabashedly and unironically, it was hilarious. Because as I've said, after four seasons they finally figured out how to play Jim Gordon: a weary man who knows heroics and grandstanding are a waste of time so let's get on with the job and save these miscreants' miserable asses for one more day. That and his long history with Ed really fed into the whole "Dude, the fact you're even asking me proves you know the answer" attitude, and how Ed's brains cannot seem to keep his mouth shut long enough to talk himself right back into the same fears that Lee's using him. Mainly because Lee's totally using him. If it weren't for Ed's distracting himself trying to avoid that truth he wouldn't have fallen for Jim's hey, you missed this thing here OH IT'S MY FIST YOU MORON bit. Served him right. Lee's wardrobe continues to slay. How does she pull that shit off? It should look like a Valley Girl got drunk and ran through a Hot Topic but she makes it work so well! No wonder Ed can't walk away. Ozzie got the band back together once again to no lasting effect. They really are having trouble working with this section of the cast. If they didn't play off each other so well it'd be unbearable to watch. Luckily the actors are talented enough to juggle whatever they find in the script. This quartet showing up in Strange's latest hideout should be comedy gold. My husband's having trouble with Jeremiah's version of the twins, pointing out that he's too humorless, and I do see his point, but I think the show is trying to highlight exactly that: where Jerome was too fitzy and shortsighted to be able to really plan beyond chaos, Jeremiah is too locked into his security systems in order to think outside the box. I wonder if/how they're going to meld the two.

I'm not worried that Juggie's dead, he's fine. Well, he's not fine, he's going to be in the hospital for weeks and get a bill that rivals Fred's (and who will take care of him now that the doctor's been murdered? WTF, Hal?) but he's not dead. I'm sure the shot of the gang at the gravesite was them attending Fang's funeral.

Cheryl is the damn Little Red Riding Robin Hood of Gotham Star City Riverdale and thank God for it. Okay, wow. This one was just a "clear out the fridge, toss every last thing in a casserole and and cook it up" drunken midnight binge of an episode. Holy crap. As per usual, I really need to have some things cleared up. Firstly... HAL is the BH? Uggggghhhhhhhh, whyyyyyyyy. I get that it had to be somebody, and the writers probably panicked and didn't actually pick anyone until, like, a week ago, which is why Lochlyn Monroe had no damn idea how to play it because who would? It would honestly have been much more palatable if his own personal vendettas against this, that, and the other person was driving his rampages because the whole "sin" thing doesn't make one LICK of sense. It's not that this kind of crazy can't manifest in "splitting" between other people and your own/your family's actions, but even given that? Why the hell would Hal give a rat's ass about who Fred Andrews was kissing a couple of times before calling things off? Or that Midge and Moose were doing some Happy Fun Dust and making out in the park? Or even Miss Grundy, beyond the obvious ew-ness of her predatory nature? Why would he care about any of this? If he thought that Fred was being a bad example for Archie and he wanted Archie for Betty, for instance, that would be twisted but would make a kind of sense within his being nuts. If you're going to have somebody playing a messed up whack job who operates under some lunatic personal code, it's got to have internal consistency, no matter how flipped out it appears to non-insane observers. Hell, ALICE has a lot more through line; she's the one who was smart enough to get Betty to bonk Hal on the head while she gave him what-for. And she's nuts! Moving from one fucked-up family unit to the next: Let's discuss Hiram Lodge and how he is the worst damn gangster since Sophia Falcone on Gotham, shall we? Have a seat because this one's gonna unspool for a bit. We've all already noted, at length, that Hiram makes nothing but bad decisions: not only did he end up in jail in the first damn place, but his predilections for HIRING TEENAGERS to do things like blow up cars, threaten mobsters, and start riots is laughable in a sick way. But what's even worse than that? Is he never seems to have grasped that the saying is "keep your loved ones close but your enemies closer," not "totally and completely throw your loved ones under the bus while enraging your enemies and not checking to see if perchance the moniker "Small Fry" is one of those ironic nicknames, plus burning every single bridge to every single person you've made any deals with ever before the last plank is nailed down." This October Surprise? Is TERRIBLE. The WORST. Because it's not going to undermine Fred Andrews and leave Hermione unscathed; IT'S GOING TO DESTROY BOTH OF THEM. Fred could rightfully point out that he's legally separated and Mary lives in another damn state: Hermione has no such excuse. If anything it's going to motivate people to call her a whore. (Don't do that, by the by.) This shit is exactly, precisely what they used to boot Mayor McCoy from office and they think it's going to work magic for them?? When he's not subjecting his spouse to utter, public, and pointless humiliation, he's openly bribing/steering the new sheriff, paying and abandoning angry teenagers who will have every damn reason to go public, okaying the savage beating and near murder of a sixteen year old boy, and apparently hiring a Faux Black Hood to run around shooting blanks and expose himself to the gunfire of the Riverdale police. (Seriously, that idiot was damn lucky he wasn't gunned down on that balcony.) There cannot be one person left within a thousand miles who would piss on Hiram if he were on fire, and you know what that does to his perceived power? EVAPORATES IT. This is no way to run a business, shady or otherwise! Whoo! Anyway! Loved The Hot Dads of Riverdale showing up to scare off the Ghoulies. I did wonder though, why it was Ex-Sheriff Keller who arrested Hal later. Does the car grant full law enforcement powers? Penny, God. Get a new job or something. Riverdale is just not that into you. And if you're stupid enough to believe Hiram Lodge's promises about setting up a drug empire or whatever you deserve what you get. Could ONE ADULT SERPENT besides HP step in here, please???? I saw you guys at the Worm! Why are you playing friggin' POOL when there's a riot outside and your KIDS are running around trying to prevent all out meltdown? Man, Fred getting shot again--"ARRRGH, right in the same bullet wound! What are the odds?" Archie fighting off the Faux BH was great though. He lept to his feet like a damn panther! And Archie in general was honestly 1000% more on the ball than he has been all season! He's all over the place: stopping Reggie, saving Reggie, saving Pop's (although if you light a Molotov cocktail, dude, you gotta throw it! I was waiting for his hand to get blown off ["ARRRGH, the same hand as the one I broke rescuing Cheryl! What are the odds?"]) rushing to comfort Betty, finally seeing the light about Hiram; thank goodness. I don't think I could have taken his derpy puppy routine in the midst of all this.

I've gotta say, I wasn't on board with this "meander around to a new Joker" thing at first--seemed like coals to Newcastle, to say the least. But I really do like how they pulled it off, with Jeremiah's take on his version of his brother's crazed outlook and how he's just decided that whatever he does isn't crazy because it isn't that. While Jerome was obviously dangerous and brilliant, he was also exhausting to be around and kept burning his own bridges while still standing on them because he couldn't control his own manias. Penguin was right in his diagnosis that Jerome, left to his own ends, would be either arrested or shot and then he could move in without having to spend all his resources trying to fight crazy. But Jeremiah? This dude is freaking SCARY. The contacts are especially upsetting: he looks like a moray eel who found a human suit. I hope Ozzy can think fast enough to maneuver around him. Jim Gordon, while outfoxed once again, at least didn't behave like the total dunderhead he's been in the past--his plan to trap the Jeromites was quite well thought out and it wasn't his fault he was being played. He's got to stop thinking like a cop, or team up with somebody who can move around in and do things with criminal elements that the cops can't. Who, oh who could that be, I wonder? Harvey, never stop being you! Three great Harvey beats: The casual "eh, I've got the taser" shocking of the juggler in the trunk. Hee. The coffin beer--he snagged one for his fellow officer, too! Hee. "This reminds me of my first apartment, where I still live." Hee. See, this is the Harvey we all love. I was really terrified during that first scene outside Lee's interrogation room where he was all "we could just sneak her out the back"; I literally yelled THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF SHIT YOU CALLED JIM OUT ON! Seriously, you can't egg somebody on to be dirty and then bitch when they leave fingerprints around! But luckily we dropped that to move into the equally ridiculous/annoying "I get you want to be Robin Hood" thing with a woman who knowingly married into an organized crime family. Don't get me wrong, I love new Lee a thousand times more than I did her last whiny iteration, but man. She makes Harvey look like Mark Antony. But luckily we dropped THAT whole thing as well and got to see Riddler and his band of merry minions arrive to rescue her! Everything about this subplot was a delight: well plotted, hilarious, and a perfect antidote to the A story without dragging it down. Cory Michael Smith is a genius (so to speak) at playing the Riddler, and Lee is a genius at playing Riddler as well. The writers are doing a fantastic job of her showing just enough leg, metaphorically speaking, to keep Ed hooked while being just cynical enough to keep Riddler sitting up and wagging his tail. That kiss under the steps was great! Please don't blow this, show. Like everyone else I adored the whole "The Riddler! We're saved! Oh. Hey, the Penguin, we're saved!" bit. That's the kind of humor the show does really well. Bits I would like an explanation from the showrunners about: How many damn times has the GCPD been attacked? Like, fifty? And yet they never, not once, do anything about beefing up security or even putting in a new damn door so they aren't relying on a two by four to save their lives! If I was the union rep I would be bringing this up during contract negotiations! Jim, when you go through all the trouble of knocking out a crazy harlequin, could you PLEASE A) handcuff her, for God's sake and B) MOVE THE GIANT PAIR OF SCISSORS lying one inch away from her??? If she'd stabbed you you would have richly deserved it. Speaking of Ecco, what's with the no talking thing? I get not talking around the Jeromites for effect and all, but when she was alone with Jeremiah at the end why the continuation? She does talk: we saw her on her phone a few eps ago. So Alfred's the Highlander, right? HOW many times has this man been stabbed/punched/left in heaps of garbage/shot? He's lost more blood at this point than was ever inside his veins! Tear gas isn't as selective as this bunch of the best and brightest cops seem to think. Why establish gas masks for Ed and Lee while having the whole force stroll in breathing in the stuff like it's a fresh spring rain?

Polly! Remember her? NOBODY talks about her or the twins despite the fact that said twins were a price above rubies last season! Penelope, who was most obsessive of all, hasn't breathed one word, nor has "enjoy this gigantic and terrifying infant pram from a Charles Addams book" Cheryl. When Betty found the family photo in her dad's room, I was half expecting her to turn to Cheryl and say "Look! Who's this strange woman standing with us?" Another set of twins, maybe? Crinkle Cut and Tater Tot!

And the Lodges have been out and proud about this! Hermione announced it during the minute and a half of the debate! It's not like they're hiding who they are, at all. I'm half expecting them to hold a Mafia Days celebration in the park with Veronica and the Miraculously Recovered From The Void Pussycats singing. As to the prison, it MUST be a cover for something. Nobody goes to this much damn effort for a for-profit prison unless they're building it over a uranium mine or Elder Gods storage pit or something. Perhaps the evil plan is to have giant metal plated door over the pit and use the prisoners as slave labor? That would at least be the grandiose level of evil that requires this much brouhaha and fussing.

Okay, what the hell? This was two thirds a great Riverdale episode filled to the brim with crazy and one third "two teams of writers not reading each other's drafts." Let's start here, shall we? So, the other families were impressed by a sixteen year old girl turning the tables on a sixteen year old rapist/wannbe killer? I mean okay, I guess, they aren't exactly Lutheran potluck throwers here, fine. And I'm sure none of them thought of Nick St. Clair as anything more than an embarrassment who got what he deserved, and sooooo....the Dreadful Hs announce that she's supposed to meet up with all the various sons who showed enough brains to not kidnap her boyfriend for; courting? Networking? The hell? Hiram and Hermione INSISTED on these meetings. Really underlined how important they were. For a bunch of teenagers to generate the next wave of business opportunities. Okay! So Vee does just that! That exact thing! Takes meetings, does interviews, decides on the casino guy (who was really only there to drag that Papa Poutine idiocy out of its grave but whatever) as the best bet, runs to her dad to share that she's done what asked her to do: And Hiram shuts her down. Tells her she doesn't know what she's doing, the casinos are a front, concentrate on the debate, yadda yadda yadda. Well if that's true, Mafia Genius, why in the holy hell did you have her do all this in the first damn place? WHY? All he did was drive Ronnie off in a one eighty towards Archie and Fred (and the whole "we all almost became a row of tin ducks but YOU'RE NOT DROPPING OUT OF THE RACE, WIFE OF MINE" thing didn't help a bit) and who can blame her? Seriously, Hiram is really as dumb as Archie. He spends all his time snarking on, betraying, and recruiting teenagers to do all his dirty work. You think Reggie and the rest of that band of morons won't yap their heads off about how Hiram paid them to damage property and most likely gave Reg that gun in the first place? If Ronnie can get that casino license more power to her, frankly. And over here, Betty and the Black Hood thing! I didn't mind most of this story line--she and Cheryl as a teen detecting duo are terrific and they did a good job setting up the tension (which is why she and Jug had ONE scene together; together they tend to actually figure things out) but. Okay, at the debate, it is very clearly underlined, in thick black ink, that the BH is not Hal. He's sitting there in the auditorium when the shooting starts and he and Betty are crouched front and center as the bullets ricochet (and by the by, how bad a shot is this guy? That's a rifle! He had targets that seemed literally impossible to miss and yet apparently not one person was even grazed [also, the podiums are made of vibrainium or something because those high powered bullets didn't pierce them even once]. But the sheriff's men were aiming right back at HIM and missed as well, so maybe it's a curse that only the Blossoms can hit what they fire at.) ANYWAY. So they seem to make a very big point that Hal is NOT the BH, and further highlight this with the convo she has with him later about the Nancy Drew book. So why, thirty seconds later, does she pull out that other hood, call Hal, and tell him to meet her at the auditorium (that isn't a crime scene, I guess: not a cop or trace of police tape anywhere) to "continue their conversation?" Seriously, what's going on? Does she think Hal hired somebody to shoot up town hall? That he's partners with somebody? What? But a Black Hood is now threatening Cheryl so I really, truly cannot grasp what's happening here. Meanwhile Betty's true love is unaware of any of this because he's trying to keep a teenager from getting killed while the new corrupt sheriff has no problem publicly putting said teenager outside with a steak around his neck and whistling for the dogs. They never spoke this entire time except right at the beginning, but that's okay because he and Archie now exist on the same plane again, not that it's going to do anybody any damn good since the entire town is going up in flames. I'm starting to wonder if Hiram's plan is actually to burn everything to the ground because of the platinum mine under town hall or whatever.

So I was over at A/V Club reading their post on this episode (they do a really great job) and they made the very interesting point that maybe Hal and Chic were working together! It is. Because Hal is the Black Hood. And with the end of the episode, Betty believes that too. I know there were a lot of suggestions last week that Chic was Midge’s killer, which is where I’ll amend my theory to call Chic the Black Hood’s protégé (and possible scapegoat). It’s no coincidence that Alice points out how the entire Chic situation is “biblical” punishment. We’re also at a point where we know that most of Chic’s “creepiness” is deliberate. So when he asks something like, “Who was that, Betty? Who was that who called you? With that weird ringtone?” (a ringtone that’s not weird out of context), it reads less like genuine curiosity than it does a measured question as part of his game. And Riverdale is very deliberate in not showing the Black Hood actually catch and kill Chic.

OOHHHH MY GOD YOU GUYS Okay, so, my TV died on Wednesday so we had to order a new one, which is this enormous thing that's now looming in the corner of our living room (I've named it Monolith) and so I wasn't able to watch this until now! I missed you all! Riverdale gonna Riverdale, especially at the funeral of a tragically and horribly murdered teenager! There was barely any indication that Midge even knew Cheryl and her gang of Furies/Vixens, let alone was on the squad, but hey, don't let that stop you and your perfectly clad chorus, Cheryl. Also, always threaten an adult man with a gun. (I adore how Sheriff Keller actually has to take this raving lunatic seriously because all the adults in town are totally ineffectual at best while the teenagers run around boning and committing/solving murders.) The Lodges try to be all ice-hearted about the re-emergence of the BH but Ronnie steps in and says nah, I'm sick of this and am about to school you both. And oh my, she does. Holy SHIT. While Hermione's running around pretending that anybody in the entire world could still possibly care about this election (hell, even Fred seems to have forgotten the whole thing) she's just preemptively shutting down Archie (not that it worked) and trying to be above it all. But luckily, there is one, and only one, strong and true thread running through Riverdale, come what may with writing, ships, or what have you--Archie being a complete and total dunderhead. Now, I will grant that he's panicking about his dad, and for good reason--the show actually has taken the trouble to give him something to hang that dunce cap on--but DUDE. When you're suddenly re-enacting Halloween that's not the time to go check out the janitor's old house! Of course, I doubt he was expecting Nick St. Jackoff and his idiot buddies to try their little blanket party--I sure as hell wasn't. The only good thing about that entire storyline was Ronnie just getting her Mafia Bitch on. She tells her folks but you can see she's expecting them to not do anything. And while Hiram does point out that if he pays the ransom Veronica's probably the next target, she wasn't in the room to hear it. Too busy crackin' safes, making sleazy Indecent Proposal hookup agreements with Nick (WHO BY THE WAY WAS NOT LIMPING IN ANY OF HIS SCENES, AT ALL), drugging his ass, and cool as cucumber taking his folks for the same mill he tried to squeeze out of her! Unfortunately that led to one of the more egregious plot/character misfires in a season filled with them. V out and out confronts her folks with the fact that not only did she have to rescue Archie and managed to make a million bucks doing it, she, AND HE, both know that the Dreadful Hs didn't do jack shit about getting him back, at all. She insinuates that Archie is not only waiting to speak of this to Hiram, but he's pissed about it, and rightly so! So what do we get? Archie sheds all previous dunderheadery to really reach new heights on the idiot scale when apparently all he took away from this experience was the vague notion of "making his bones" in order to impress Hiram and get rid of the Black Hood! Cripes, KJ Apa must be pulling his hair out every time he reads his sides lately. They're trying to combine his need for Hiram's approval with his obsession, but it hasn't worked all season and it's not working now! I was waiting for Hiram to patiently explain that you make your bones by killing an enemy of the Mob family you're affiliated with, not some rando and how even Nick St. Fucking Clair is clear on this concept, but I guess he was too gobsmacked by this turn of events to say anything. ( Also wondering if Fred noticed Archie was missing/came home late and quite beaten up. Your Family Man Mayor, folks!) ANYWAY. Betty is doing a somewhat better job incorporating various ridiculous things into one story over at her place. Finally the Coopers catch on that Chic is a big fat liar (which, didn't the DNA prove that weeks ago? Am I high?) and also a nutjob with a terrible temper who kills his roommates, so when the BH conveniently calls her up and offers her an internship, two birds with one stone time, right? I personally think the whole setup about her dad being the Hood is a misdirection--I'm still betting on Sheriff Heller. But we'll find out soon enough, I hope. Rantings aside, I really have to give it to the actors in this one; they carried a truly absurd story over the finish line like champs. Both Camila and Lili did superlative jobs at showing their dark sides (Camila with her smooth face projecting sweet menace, Lili radiating her grim determination--she should change her ringtone from Lollipop to You Don't Know Me) and even KJ got a great line read in when St. Clair is smarming about the hotel setup and he says "I'll kill you." When Nick says I bet you would I was all ME TOO, GUY. Plus, his goofy, frantic running and busting down the door; he's like a Great Dane puppy. You can really believe his level of devotion to Ronnie. It's not his fault that the whole mobster story is written so that he can't find any kind of motivation other than idiocy. All wearing mourning uniforms with black pompoms. Since Riverdale is apparently located next to Narnia, where it is always winter but never Christmas (seriously, the weather was all over the place AGAIN. Is it ever going to be actual spring?) that's probably true! "Like the Furies of ancient Greek Myth, we will demand blood vengeance from the 6:15 to Tacoma!"

Okay, so I wasn't imagining that? It works, though, because this is Archer's subconscious, so that's how he "sees" Pam. Same thing with using Wharburton's character as himself (Mom loved him so she'll love me!) and the name of his plane, and banging a woman on her honeymoon, like he did in Heart of Archness. It's just his coma brain slotting stuff from his memories into the fake reality it's conjuring up. Also loved Crackers' little dance--it really was animated in the floppy way actual macaws dip and shuffle around. You can tell they were having fun with this "new" character. Judy Greer just brings it as usual "AND I HOPE YOU DIE OF SOME HERETOFORE UNKNOWN KIND OF EYE HOLE CANCER!" And while I loved Ray's adultery line, for me his best read was "and for dinner, one turnip."

Well, all the pieces were there, but it basically came out as the same old picture on the puzzle. This was a LONG way to go to get back to where we started: that is, Bruce tortured, R'as alive, Barbara pissed off, Tabby having no independent life, Selina torn between loyalties. Throw in the Joker Scenic Route from last week and we're basically back where we started. It's not like anybody was phoning it in: all the little bits worked, especially Alfred and Tabby just busting out the ol' Cliche' Gold Card and unloading every distraction they could while Selina gleefully dropped from the ceiling (finally doing what she loves!) Alfred calling Tabs "Muffin" had me giggling for hours and demanding my husband call me his chippie. Riddler, Lee, Butch and Oswald were all good too, with some refreshing one-evil-upsmanship and the charged conversation between Lee and I'mNotEdShutUP--the whole "I know you're using me but I can't stay gone" thing is fun to watch when it's performed well, and Cory Michael Smith really brings it. And while I'm side-eyeing Lee's Robin Hood routine (it's a bit rich with her whole "banks are bad" thing when she MARRIED INTO A CRIME FAMILY), her luring Ed on by using his knowledge of her not loving him is terrific. Plus, that was a FANTASTIC coat she had on to rob the bank/get arrested in. Truly, Babs would be gnashing her teeth with envy if she saw it. Bruce and Selina also brought their doomed puppy love to a new level--they really can show how two people keep learning new things about each other but in an age appropriate way. Too bad the whole R'as Part 2 thing had to dump a wet, smelly wool blanket on it. Because if you're going to bring the whole R'as storyline, you've got to commit to permanent consequences! Bruce spent all of this damn season weeping and being a douchebag and generally bringing the Tortured Soul thing as a result of his being forced to kill R'as, and...what, it didn't count? R'as changed his mind? His idiot followers never listen to one damn word he says so he's got to start over with them? Why put Bruce through this if it is totally meaningless/we're starting over with the entire Dark Knight thing??? And if you're going to have Erin Richards Demon Head it up, she's got to be allowed to BE THE DEMON HEAD. This entire dance-around that left her with a batch of new woman friends but no actual power was BULLSHIT. She clearly could use the power given to her, she demonstrated that during the fight. It would have been both ten times more interesting and a hundred times less insulting if R'as and his faction had been forced to flee while he was still cosplaying The Mummy and Babs controlled the Flashlight Hand and that's what's going to lead to the six hundredth "cleansing fire" Gotham meltdown. Instead she and Tabby are exactly where they started out in the first place! Except we can't actually have that! No women getting actual power or control here for more than thirty seconds at a time! Everything just resets and the only people who get to actually ascend to higher levels of interest are the men.