Snookums

VERY good typo, because besides the absolute ludicrousness of a man who's been dead as long as Hiram's been in the hospital being the shooter, can we talk about how HP has no sense of smell? He's in a small, un-ventilated room with a corpse of over 24 hours under the bed and doesn't sniff anything amiss? Not to mention the idea that Dumb and Dumber (that is, Sweet Pea and Fangs) managed to apparently mop up the blood and brains all over the place. I mean, I get that HP didn't buy their story but this is a guy who has buried many, many bodies. He knows that odor. Luckily, Dr. Ghoul whathisface over at the morgue will obviously have no problem doctoring up a death certificate or three. Well! I appreciated this one in much the same way I appreciated the horror movie one last season, in that it decided to be silly in a particular way and used that to (ridiculously) wrap up a bunch of stuff and set the stage for further follies and grotesques. No, none of it made a lick of sense and as WhosThatGirl points out, the character dime-turns are starting to take on the aspect of a coked-out ballerina dancing Swan Lake in triple time, but what the hell. It's Riverdale. Okay, so...let's start with how apparently the writers decided to have characters that haven't interacted in WEEKS suddenly depend on each other for life-shattering revelations, double-cross setups, and heartfelt talks. Veronica, for starters. Setting aside the whole "I must find out who shot the dad I hate" thing as something she cares about this week for a second, why on earth would she go to Jughead and Jughead alone? It would make more sense, since she has barely interacted with either of them in weeks, to go to BETTY, and perhaps put both of them on the case that way. Betty could still bow out when she did and have Jug finish things up, but Vee and Jug aren't especially close and never have been. I guess she thought since she was already paying for Serpent protection hiring Jug just made sense in a keeping it in-house way, but there wasn't any dialogue that made that clear. She basically handed over almost all her cash for this and in the end didn't even want the truth. (Speaking of Vee and her apparent inability to get how assets and debts work, how much longer do you think Pops is going to put up with this? Is he even getting paid these days?) Of course, Ronnie's problem is not only one of her dad, but her mother, who this week decided to do a lot of shit and end up right back where she started but neck-deep in debt to some mysterious buyer or other (HELLO EDGAR WE KNOW IT'S YOU.) I honestly couldn't work out if Hiram was boning the water studies woman, or if Hermione just thought she was, or was deliberately throwing Jug off or what. Plus she now has to get rid of Minetta's corpse AGAIN. She's like Veronica 1.0 or something--all her schemes just keep exploding in her face like so many Fizzle Rocks. Okay, Betty! This entire "entranced by a killer" thing is getting boring as well as insulting. You are smarter than this and having the character play dumb is painful to watch. I think both of the actors are doing a fine job, Hal managing to make his voice and body language echo back to when he was Betty's beloved, normal dad and bulwark against Alice's nuttery. It's just so annoying to have Betty confronted, over and over again, with how her dad keeps betraying her and seemingly just skating over it to focus on Penelope, who up until now barely interested her at all, only to drop it with the specious reasoning that maybe all murderers aren't guilty or whatever that rot was. (Plus, she never got an answer to her perfectly good question as to why this so-called runoff ONLY AFFECTED YOUNG WOMEN). Maybe it's supposed to be some kind of transference thing or whatever but again, they aren't giving her any dialogue or moments to support that. (As far as Penelope goes, why is she so eager to open a brothel when she's already running one? I guess space and rent could be issues. Also, isn't The Five Seasons supposed to be swanky? Why are they okay with this low-rent illegal shit going down? Also, I buy the idea of her poisoning her husband then hauling his deadweight body up atop a syrup barrel and setting up that whole hanging scenario about as much as I do the entire Tallboy thing.) Speaking of hauling deadweight, hey Josie! You are stronger than you look, girl, since you apparently carried a drunk and belligerent Archie all the way home, upstairs to his bathroom, and dunked him in his tub while wearing a full length dress and heels! In the middle of the day! Plus fixing him nourishing drinks and giving him tough love and such, even though, again, it seems like these two have barely even spoken since he got back. She did help break him out of Juvie, but so did Kevin and he was nowhere to be found. Must be boxing with his dad or something. Is it summer? Is school still even in session? Is there still even a school? Why is it pouring rain during Jughead's scenes and at no other time? How are the characters teleporting all over town? Why is Cheryl okay with her horrible mother in her house at the wake? Why does Toni still even exist? Why is Reggie underage bartending and serving drinks to another minor? SO MANY QUESTIONS. But, it's Riverdale.

Man, that's almost worse than not being there at all! At least Josie didn't have to do hair and makeup to be an extra.

Seriously! When Betty was flipping out about going to college/her tuition I was all girl, you have more life credit than anybody else on earth. When was the last time any of them went to class at all? Hey, everybody! Late watching this one because we spent yesterday getting our tub refinished and going out to eat because of the stench of chemicals, but I did get to see this one, yay. Believe it or not, amidst the wreckage of ridiculous crazyness that is a typical Riverdale episode, an actual theme emerged--being helpless; particularly in the parent/child relationship. And it was played really well! Betty having to have her "good" (as in 'not serial killer') parent get worse and worse every week while having nowhere, realistically, she can go--she's still a minor and Alice is her parent--is a living nightmare, and when all the external dramas are stripped away, like the kids from SOQM, she's really stuck in this house with this lunatic narcissist who is cheerfully stealing all her money and trying to recruit her into this terrifying cult, and she's got nothing she can do. Even Attorney McCoy is all "well, we need your SERIAL KILLER FATHER to sign off on this" instead of, I don't know, offering to act as Betty's legal representative and go herself or accompany her or something??? I mean I know Hal would demand a one on one with Betty anyway but at least we wouldn't have to watch every single adult in this sixteen year old girl's life either abandon or fuck her over. I actually thought that last scene with Hal was earned in a strange way: all her life, her dad has been on her side, and now he's really the only one who's saying YOUR MOTHER IS CRAZY AND WRONG. Think how bad things must be for your only source of support, whom you know is a wretched, evil thing bent on ruining you because of his weird obsessions, be the only one in your corner, adult-wise. Ugh. Same thing with Veronica. Hiram is every bit as bad as Hal, he's just committing different types of crimes. He's certainly killed, or had killed, as many people as Hal has. And he's manipulated his relationship with his daughter just as much as Hal did with Betty (Hell, for most of her life, Hal had to act sane and normal while Alice was The Crazy One so in some ways Vee has had it worse in in that way.) Her mother is just as self serving, too, by the by. Of course she's going to panic when somebody shoots him! Of course the thought that it was Archie is going to at least cross her mind! Those two had a good relationship but it was designed to be "you and me against the world" (plus lots of boning) and once she had doubts, it fell apart. (Nice to see their favorite position before all the Sturm und Drang is still STANDING UP WHILE ARCHIE SUPPORTS HER WEIGHT with a bear-swiped arm and shoulder! But based on the actual scarring said bear was a three week old cub, anyway.) Archie, of course, has just about the only healthy parental relationship in this entire town, but his "changed nature" is telling him that while Fred may love and support him, he can't protect him. Let's talk to Mr. Whiskey instead, apparently at seven in the morning! Dude, you've got a lovely young liver but you cannot keep that shit up. As for the rest of the show: Tallboy apparently had a niche career standing in for serial killers. First BH, than Gargoyle? What the hell? So is he really dead this time or what? Penelope's back and crazier than ever! Love Hiram's "gross" eyeroll at her suggestion that the convent be her brothel spot. Also enjoyed her cheerful admission that she wrote a couple fan letters to Jeffery Dahmer back in the day. Speaking of, how the hell is Hal being held in the city jail??? He should be in PRISON on death row and the only person allowed to see him is his attorney. Not in the small town lockup where I cannot believe for one second that everybody on staff honestly thought Penelope was Alice and granted conjugal visits TO A SERIAL KILLER. But at least we know he wasn't the original Gargoyle King and the mystery drags on. Hi, Cornelius! Bye, Cornelius! What the hell was that all about other than to get you out of the morass of plotlines and characters? Hermione, I get the demented logic behind appointing FP Sheriff but I don't think convicted felons are allowed to hold law enforcement positions. Anybody notice that Polly wasn't among those celebrating/rubbing it in during Raw Milk and Cookie time, there? No Kevin, Cheryl or Toni. Not even at Archie's welcome back party, damn.

About as many as were in The Following season two--at one point they said there were something like SEVENTY TWO cult organizations within like, a hundred mile radius or something equally ridiculous. Even at the time I was WHAT? That's near full saturation! Do they have like, Inter-Cult Olympic meetups? Get together to share tips on getting bloodstains out of robes? Exchange lentil recipes? Are there big Cult Fairs where the seventy two cults compete ruthlessly with signing bonuses and free ornamental dagger offers to get new members? Come to think of it, that whole story line took place in the exact same area as Riverdale is set in....

The thing is, they better not have Hiram be Edgar, because that's just one too many hats for any villain to wear. Plus he's too well known--even Alice would eventually go "Hira--errrr EDGAR was just here and told me to give all my possessions to The Farm so the moving trucks will be here in an hour"--and he simply cannot be in that many places at once. But he's got to be connected with Hiram and all the rest of this lunacy somehow. Because he, whoever he is, is the only plausible person left to be cosplaying the Gargoyle King, and if so, Hiram must be pulling his strings. (That means Edgar had to be one of the Midnight Club, which is the first/last time said stick monster was sighted, right? That's the only way he'd know what it looked like, so it's somebody who's been introduced.) Hiram runs this show and would never let Mysterious Edgar have his own fiefdom outside town that people could join willy nilly--that would weaken his own power base. The thing is, Edgar MUST be a Riverdale local, yet apparently nobody from the town or farm seems to recognize him, or say he used to go by another name, or anything of the kind.

Ha ha ha hahhhaaahahahahaahaHA! OMG, I love you, show. Please never change. Just right into the crazy with this, which really is the only way to go--once you've swum past the breakers there's nothing but ocean. Let me say right off the bat I'm not worried for one second that Archie is actually dead. One, he clearly is God's Fool and cannot perish, and two, he was attacked by the only enraged grizzly bear that takes one swipe at you, then lets you run away instead of bringing you down in ten seconds, burying your corpse in the dirt to tender up and coming back to snack on your torso. In any other circumstances I'd be curious how a minor illegal alien with no passport or papers of any kind got hired on/given the world's nicest ranger cabin in CANADA with no experience in the field whatsoever, but please, it's Riverdale. That just means it's Wednesday around these parts. KJ did a very nice job with the whole vision quest thing, especially since the writers are finally realizing that even he can't stay this naive forever: he's got to realize that he keeps putting himself in these positions because he refuses to listen to anyone when he thinks somebody is his friend or mentor. I was HOWLING at that line, and assume Marc agreed not to blow this pop stand because he was the one who got to say it. I was also glad to see he listened to me about that coat from last episode and swapped out for something an aging matinee idol would swan about his decaying mansion in. I guess he got it from Nana's garage sale or something (same place Reggie's picking up all that plaid shit Wardrobe's sticking on him.) Hi Kevin! Bye Kevin! Remember when you existed? Me neither! Cheryl's brattiness once again shows its less attractive side. Madeline is a good enough actress to pull off the idea of cat-burglaring out of boredom, but WhosThatGirl? You are absolutely correct in your assessment of her and Toni! They aren't sharing their ill gotten gains with the Serpents and also managed to put them squarely in Hiram's sights for absolutely no reason. Since when does Cheryl have a personal beef against Hiram? It would make more sense for Toni to want revenge for that entire prison scheme that tore down her school and neighborhood and left her entire extended family and friends freezing in a shantytown, but Toni is just The Girlfriend now, I guess. Hey Veronica! I guess this week you're a success? Not for long though: time for another battle of wits between you and your dad, which he wins with embarrassing ease, like EVERY OTHER TIME. It's no fun watching squareoffs if one character is always fifteen steps ahead, show. Also, it might be a good idea TO NOT SEND A MINOR ACROSS AN INTERNATIONAL BORDER TO BUY ALCOHOL, especially in some kind of 1920s flivver contraption. (Hi Josie! Bye, Josie! Remember when you had a singing career and a band and parents who were in the same room as you? Me neither!) Betty and Attorney McCoy (I love how she's never Ms. or anything, always a professional title) and their endless quest for justice in the worst way possible? Sure, why not. Didn't work last time but this time, you'll see! Also, isn't said Attorney McCoy Veronica's lawyer? Couldn't this be construed as conflict of interest, or a way to bring Vee back into Betty's orbit or something? No? Okay, then. This is truly one of the most infuriating things about Riverdale: the cast is so big they have to do all these separate bubbles of plot, when two microseconds of thought or planning could yield all sorts of alliances and twists! As it is these storylines might as well be taking place in at least three separate towns. Why isn't Betty anywhere to be seen when Veronica visits Jughead? Why don't any of them care about The Farm except when Alice brings it up (oh, hi Polly! Bye Polly! Remember when you had twins? Me neither! Nor do any of the Blossoms!) I get the dedication to the main idea of "what if the D&D panic was real and we just ran with it to Crazytown and beyond?" It's great as far as it goes, but that should be the root story, with branches and intertwining ideas. As it is it's just a rod that the various stories hang on, occasionally clashing together. I really, no snark, deeply admire the actors on this show for playing this shit with such sincerity. It's the only way it works. Even when KJ said he had to kill the part of him that's "violent and stupid" and I was yelling "that's going to leave that hair and maybe a big toe" he and Fred sold it.

Ahhh, Gotham. There you are. I assume it's in the same state as Riverdale in that crazed nutjob criminals can seal off the city/town and nobody seems to care one bit. (And apparently said government is what, actively shooting at any boats or swimmers that try to cross the river? What the hell?) Unfortunately, there are far too many examples in both history and modern day life that support the idea of a "no go zone" that civil authorities won't touch to make this as farfetched as it should be. Gotham gonna Gotham in that even as people are starving to death, there is apparently some kind of enormous Pier One/Target/Torrid/Estee Lauder in town where everyone gets endless supplies of candles, home furnishings, thousand dollar leather outfits and high end cosmetics, because these desperate crazy people are lookin' good. Starving, sure, but in fantastic outfits! Stabbed to death but I died with FLAWLESS eye makeup! (Although they are apparently running low on hair product because Babs's hair in that 'do you hear a helicopter' scene has some bad flyaways, and Lucious's 'do is running pretty wild too. On the other hand, Harvey looks exactly the same as usual and both Jim and Bruce have the same short hair as always. I guess Alfred's handy with a scissors.) Man, poor Tabby. Not only did she have to get stabbed but didn't even get to wield her whip before she died! I guess she left it with Selina whom none of the Sirens asked after or mentioned at all. Poor Selina. Not the best week for her. Odds on The Witch are pretty even between Ivy and Lee, but I'm leaning towards Ivy because she seems more the type. I like the theory that Lee and Ed are sharing a body; Hugo Strange and his hobbies. Jim only made a handful of terrible decisions this week, like going alone into the basement! Good, Jim! Keep working on that.

"Your dad's an alcoholic and emotionally unstable gang leader--you'll be fine, honey!"

Well, he's apparently besties with the Governor of whatever hellscape/state Riverdale is in, so I guess the state government is just going to issue some statement along the lines of "Everything's fine" and expect the Feds, the CDC, the ACLU and so on to just go okay, sure! Again (and I know I'm harping but HONESTLY) if Hiram is so connected and crazy powerful, how the bleeding hell did he end up in prison in the first damn place??? Granted, that was in New York and thus another state, but how can he be a NYC capo/Hispanic leader if both he and Hermione grew up in this dinky little town in the middle of nowhere at the same time his family was apparently consolidating their position with every gangster in the USA and Canada?

Does Toni have parents? I mean, they're obviously the kind of parents who are cool with her tending bar as a minor, living in a tent city and running around nearly getting killed by the various gangs in town, but hearing your daughter, who is sixteen years old, is moving in with Cheryl Blossom would have to be a bridge too far even in Riverdale: The Blossoms are still The Ruling Crazies and in this freaking hamlet of lunatics that is really saying something. (At least Penelope and Cheryl know how to bring the right kind of campy wackadoodle vibe while playing it absolutely straight, though--that maple syrup scene was GOLD. Sticky, cheap, cut with corn syrup gold. Every time they let Nathalie Blott onscreen she just stands up, takes Madeline's hand and they both start cramming the scenery into their mouths like they're in a pie eating contest. Dollymop of a mother, indeed!) Hee hee hee! I do wonder how Penny got away with so much for so long: as a lawyer she may have been some kind of necessary evil but it's clear EVERYBODY hates her; she basically takes the kind of shit Hiram Lodge should be taking for messing so much with the lives and health of a bunch of minor teenagers. She keeps asking for it, though. She's that girl who acts tough and then every time she gets in a fight it lasts three seconds and she's on the ground crying. A freakin' tween with a slingshot took her poser ass down. Okay, so, I do like the idea that Gladys is somehow Hiram's right hand in Cleveland, which is apparently less than a hundred miles away from New England in this bizarro world version of the US, and they are working double time to convince us that this entire scheme was years--hell, decades--in the making, and Hiram is an ever more deluded wannabe monarch who seemingly inherited this plot and is bringing it to fruition, but. I have got to say, if all this is true? Hiram and his father before him have stumbled onto the most patient and forbearing group of greedy criminal morally bankrupt schemers in the history of malfeasance. Not only does Hiram have no problem screwing over every crime family in New York, he apparently has got the entire eeee-vil shadow underbelly of the whole Eastern Seaboard agreeing to wait around for over twenty friggin' years for this fever dream of Fizzle Rocks Dominion to pay off! This is NOT the kind of personality type who is usually cool with investing untold years and dollars into a plan that frankly doesn't seem to be able to pencil out the kind of returns that would make it ultimately worthwhile, whether it's financial or power-based. He's convinced Gladys to leave her son behind and haul her preteen daughter off to Cleveland to--what?--wait around in case somebody crucial to operations headed in a Cleveland-y direction while playing Ms. Fagin to every skid-row kid in town? He's got Penelope and Clifford, the SOQM, all the business owners and gangs in the South Side, random towns drained utterly of their menfolk to make the stuff UNDER A PRISON, who knows who else, all just going yeah, sure, okay, we've got nothing better to do while you trip balls over a stick monster? I mean, Hiram is a cool cat customer who is long practiced at denying reality to a fury-inducing level, but even he can't perform this juggling act forever.

Thank goodness they're all over 21! (I'm still old enough to be all their moms, but they aren't really high school age, so I only have to feel a little guilty.)

Unfortunately, this is one of the more realistic (relatively speaking) aspects of the show in general--not being able to fully escape a toxic parent. The kids have it rough due to the fact that they're minors and not legally emancipated so they can't make most decisions without their parent's consent, but even if they were all thirty it would be just as bad. Veronica is in an emotionally romantic relationship with her dad. I know, GROSS, but I don't mean physically so, thank God. I mean that they are enmeshed in very codependent bond, and he uses her love for him to bolster his ego and competence the way he used to with Hermione. No matter how sociopathic and brutal he is with everyone else, he always goes to her and gives her the melting eyes and says mija, I do everything for you. Remember, she literally grew up with this. It's been imprinted into her from the get-go. And she probably has good memories of him along with the truly epic amounts of shit he's pulled (Plus Hermione keeps stanning for him) so it's not as easy as telling Ethel to face reality or even dealing with a boyfriend breakup. This is her dad.

I liked this one! It moved the (ridiculous) plots along nicely and while not everybody was on screen, the ones that were got some stuff done. Starting with Jug and Archie as Candide and Doctor Pangloss... I have to admit, I enjoy when shows like this one occasionally call out their own sheer insanity. "Archie, no offense, but Betty took down a serial killer last year. You can't go five minutes without being abducted or beaten up. " Hee. Jug will have occasion to regret this decision, though, as both of them apparently took off on a cross country hike without much in the way of food or money, plus Arch decides that now is the time to be more guileless than a newborn kitten raised in a Skinner box by the Amish and tell random young women he met mere hours ago who greeted him with rifles that hey, *smooch* you're real nice and all but my true love's dad is trying to kill me, and my name's not really Biff. Glad to move bales of hay for you though! Mmmm, eggs! OW, MY TENDER BRAINS! (I honestly assumed whatshername had drugged said eggs, considering Archie would probably drink from a smoking beaker labeled POISON if you handed it to him, but nope, let's go for massive closed head trauma that doesn't cause equally massive brain damage instead. Okay.) Meanwhile, Jug's off checking out the Preteens of the Corn and their abandoned town (how far away is Athens from Riverdale in the ever-twisting pocket universe they inhabit, by the by? Either Hiram really is spreading his net around or this intrepid duo has gone about thirty miles in as many days, and that included hopping a freight at one point!) As soon as he hears "Man in Black" he immediately concludes it's Hiram! And he's right! (Must call out said Hiram's poor haberdashery choice, by the by. I normally love that length of coat on a man, but not combined with that bizarre white-spotted tweed material. He looked like he was wearing a very sinister housecoat. Anyway.) The big scene in the barn with Archie pleading with Jughead to let him kill Hiram was quite good despite its silly premise, because both actors sold their positions. Archie says "I can kill him, I can, Jug" and Jug is all yeah, you can and you believe them both. KJ doesn't get many chances to show what he can do because of this character's limits, but I truly believed he was fed up and hopeless enough to try to murder a grown man, and Cole Sprouse's frantic casting around for reasons to stop him showed he did too. (Why the hell, by the way, did neither of these teenage boys mention the most obvious choice about their situation: to just go back home already? If they really can't get away from the Dreadful Hs's net of deceit and lies, they aren't going to be in any more danger in Riverdale than anywhere else, right? How is living this way any better than standing your ground on your home turf? Anyway.) Moving on to Ronnie and her--interesting choices for income generation. Okay, just like the last segment and its reality check-in, it opens with pointing out that this mocktail under 21 club isn't the license to print money that she thought it was. (Although, why is Pop's doing so badly upstairs? He's still there and very active, and this is the go-to place for pretty much the entire town.) So she and Reggie, whose dad has moved on from corporal punishment to making him wear his grandpa's golf pants, decide to set up a one night only casino???? And import all the games and dealers and players who can't wait to haul themselves out of real gambling places and/or New York to go blow a bunch of money in a teenager's illegal pop-up den of vice (and that ISN'T EVEN SERVING REAL BOOZE?) This whole thing was really damn unbelievable on multiple levels, and was basically only a framing device for Ronnie's back and forths with Hiram. That confrontation in the diner was worth its weight in gold if only for Marc Consuelos's ability to genuinely say lines like "are you angry with me?" without just dissolving in hysterics. I wish they'd really let Veronica unleash on him because he needs an equal to push against. It's completely bizarre that on one hand he's apparently taking over the entire damn state in his evil plots and yet only ever seems to confront teenagers at a level of Taking!It!Personally! that is getting genuinely uncomfortable to watch. I will say that Veronica's FINALLY bailing on her folks' home was nicely done; even Hermione couldn't bring herself to say anything realistically parental like YOU ARE SIXTEEN YEARS OLD YOUNG LADY, SIT YOUR ASS DOWN AND DO YOUR HOMEWORK. Who are we kidding at this point? Anyway. On to Betty and her actual abilities getting room to breathe, plus progress on the various threads of the mystery! Again, this was a showcase for one of the leads, and Lili really brought it. Her VO was synched perfectly with her expressions and body language, and the constant "act normal, act sane, focus" thing did a great job in reminding you that Betty is one bad night away from fucking losing it. Despite this, she managed to gather a LOT of information; not the least of which is that the SOQM, the Blossoms, and Hiram (again) are all centering on something very big and very bad. It's a genuine relief to see that the writers hadn't forgotten that the Blossoms ran the drug business in this town for years and somehow Hiram's gotten into (or back into) that game, using the Sisters as a dead drop. (I'm assuming he's a fairly recent "angel" benefactor as opposed to long term, to use the inmates for testing.) While Hiram is clearly using this G&G thing for his own ends, though, I don't think he's the Gargoyle King. He clearly does not have time to put on the stick marionette suit and hang out at the boarding school to scare teenagers--he's running all over the state draining towns of their lifeblood and gaslighting his daughter and whatnot! He's busy! (Also, if Hiram is this good at crime and shit, how the hell did he ever get busted and go to prison in the first place??? He's not some syphilis ridden Al Capone character who doesn't bother with his tax returns or whatever.) While I'm glad Ethel gets a chance to do more and be evil (always fun to play), and listening to Betty's "this psycho bitch" head commentary was hilarious, I really dread what the so called "fans" are going to do to this poor actor. I don't get how people who are old enough to sit up and tie their own shoes can get that overinvested in FICTIONAL characters and decide that vile and vicious berating on social media will make them look good.

I don't see Archie and Veronica as broken up so much as "torn apart by circumstance...that was generated by both a crazed grown mad and Archie's overdeveloped sense of personal drama." They certainly didn't have a fight or anything like that. However, judging from next week's promos they DO want Archie and his abs being pressed on by other nubile young persons without immediate fan rage, or something along those lines.

They actually did shout out to Stand By Me with the song "Paladin;" that's the theme song to the TV show the kids were singing in the movie.

Totally, and I am pissed that the script ignored that: Betty should have figured that shit out in two seconds. So far the writers seem to have learned their lesson about "not making up the Head Murderer's Identity on the fly;" they did a fairly good, Dorothy Sayer/Agatha Christie setup of multiple suspects and semi-plausible deniability: It was Oleander poisoning suicide murder and I don't remember Creepy Warden from school at all! Sure, guys, sure. Also, hi, Reggie's dad, whom we have never met before! You are a scumbag! God, Alice is the WORST liar; how the hell was so much of this crap kept secret for so long? Every time Betty asks her anything she couldn't make it more obvious she's dodging and weaving if she had boxing gloves on and a ringside announcer yelling "AND she ducks! She weaves! She refuses eye contact while deflecting! Ladies and gentlemen, this woman couldn't step on the truth if she made shoes out of it!" I don't know why Betty even bothers. And speaking of WORST, HP was acting extra sketchy with a side of untrustworthy this whole ep: That whole Gargoyle King invasion screamed horror film setup from the Jiffy Pop to the ridiculous grave marker, and it's clear Betty wasn't buying what HP's selling even if Alice is. But to make extra sure HP's on the suspect list let's have him handcuff his son to the fridge! Oh, brother. How Jug didn't call out his alcoholic father over that sanctimonious addict garbage was...something. Veronica, you moved some mountains today, not saying you didn't but girl: THUMB DRIVE. Also, move out or get a lock for your bedroom door. Archie was no dumber than usual and actually got things moving, so yay. Also, the makeup department did a really good job making him look deeply unwell. The Sonic the Hedgehog hair, however, distracted from what was a really nice scene between him and Vee. When these actors are given emotional beats they really hit them. I don't know what Jug thinks he can realistically do for Archie that's worth abandoning his six thousand management positions (who will tell Fangs and Co. what to do?) but finally somebody realized that Archie should not be left alone. God, how many teen couples are boning in that nasty-ass bunker? Is anybody washing the sheets? GROSS. I loved that: "You're not even my kid! And ever since you started DATING my kid things have gone to hell! Fine." *dials Attorney McCoy before heading off to save Archie* They are technically related-ish but not; some bizarro world callback to that whole Blossom Blood thing. Again, Penelope's never once asks about Polly or the twins.

This reminds me: I love when Veronica goes to find Betty and she's in her Blue and Gold office with Kevin, Reggie, and Josie. Instead of asking to talk to Betty privately, she just recruits the whole room! "Hey, bunch of people I know, we've gotta risk life and limb to get my dumb boyfriend out of jail!" It never crosses her mind for a second that any of them would say no, or go to their father the sheriff, or even just post it on Instagram. And they all just go okay, sure! To the chemistry lab!

Damn his broad shoulders! Shoulders that can take multiple rounds of bare knuckle boxing and yet still hold Veronica up to do the deed in the locker room while standing up. Ah, to be young again. Now that the immediate excitement and peril has calmed down, could somebody check in on Reggie? His dad gave him a black eye! What the hell? Not really the way to convince your kid that there's nothing to see here, you know?

Oh, forgot to mention that I loved Josie's silver eyeliner, and her little hair dealibob when they were making the soda bombs. They really do a great job on her hair and makeup.

Okay, I am officially on board (so far) the season three train; the writers seem to have learned their lesson about winging it through a season and actually plotted some of this madness out rather than inform a regular that he's a serial killer and off the show a week ahead of the finale. (But what about THE FARM?) I appreciate how everybody involved seems to get that they have to play their roles seriously no matter how over the top ridiculous the situations become because it's the only way this kind of insanity can work. Even when somebody shakes their head and says "this is all nuts," the others agree and move right onto breaking Archie out of the worst juvie ever and having a permanent campout with the rest of the Serpents while getting drunk and nearly killing people with arrows or whatever. So, what I liked/blinked at/went WHAAAAT upon beholding: I really like Manic Jughead. Cole Sprouse plays him very well: understanding that mania is basically taking certain personality traits that already exist and turning them up to eleven, not frothing at the mouth out of nowhere. He's exactly the type of obsessive, complete-ist weirdo who would start by investigating this game and turn into the poster boy for Satanic Panic PTA groups. He does a great job of almost convincing you he actually is onto something until you step back and go but wait, no, that's impossible. But still... I'm unlike most posters in that I liked the crosscut between the Great Escape and the quest: no, of course it didn't make any real sense, but within the fever dream that is Riverdale it fitted right in; plus it moved both stories along at a great clip so you could just go along for the ride without getting bogged down in every single impossibility. Veronica barefacing her way past security was great! You could see her past as a rich kid getting into clubs coming to the fore. Although, Vee, if you're going to keep up with the constant sneaking in you may want to rotate the wigs a bit. Ask Betty: she's got a spare. I also liked her stomping Hiram's foot. It served him right and showed that she was willing to take it past breakfast bitching at each other and into the realm of consequence. (Kids, do not do this in real life. It's a really bad idea.) Bad Girl Betty on the cycle and fucking with the Warden's car was terrific: finally some continuity of character! The switcheroo with Kevin was nicely done as well. I have to ask, though: what kind of amazing benefits package are those guards getting? Because if my boss took things out into the open like that and told me to fire on two kids I know he has no jurisdiction over I'd be having my union rep bring it up during negotiations. That was a terrific way to blow the whole rotten thing wide open and send them all to prison. Hermione giving both Hiram and Veronica a time out was funny--it's like she keeps forgetting who she's married to and what she's been involved in. But she was absolutely right that Archie has become this bizarre bone of contention/obsession between them. Gotta give a shoutout to William MacDonald, who played the warden/mad emperor. I called him that a couple weeks ago, even. I think the idea behind his suicide was not so much that he was caught (although I'm sure that didn't help) but that he had been ordered to kill Archie by whoever the Gamemaster was and failed. He's clearly old enough to have been involved in the earlier Midnight Club shenanigans as well, but the timeline shows that he's not whoever's running around the woods wearing the stick costume. So far the main suspect is Edgar from The Farm (remember that?) but who knows what the hell the writers are going to do.

I think Hiram saw in Hermione what a striver needs to succeed: somebody who cheers him on while longing for what he can provide. Hermione is basically Lucy Audley (from Lady Audley's Secret: read it if you haven't!)--she's somebody who's had quite enough of poverty, of the endless grind that gets you nowhere and the empty promises of virtuous living. In Hiram she undoubtedly saw what she not only wanted to be, but was deep inside; someone who refused to let "morality" keep all the goodies and baubles of life out of her hands. Hiram, to her, embodied courage and striving and the self-belief she thought was beyond her own reach. Throw in his interest in her and the fact that he's a young Marc Consuelos? Stronger women than you and me have fallen willingly into that web. Hermione loves what money can buy far too much to take any kind of principled stand against Hiram's means and methods. Combining that with his own need to be worshiped/feared and you've got a match made in Hell.

Okay, this kind of wacky hijinx I can get behind! You could tell the actors were all having a ton of fun (especially Lili and Madeline trying not to laugh during their bathroom beatdown) and running around pretending that some D&D clone game could warp young minds. Loved present day Hermione trying to deliver that speech all seriously, kids, it'll kill ya! So, finally somebody told the writers continuity is a thing, and the past actually could be tracked to what's happening now, like Young Mayor McCoy and Young Sheriff as the star-crossed lovers (they really sold their goodbye on the stairs) and Alice and FP and Fred having the same triangle that popped up now and again in the present generation. Hermione announcing she likes the idea of being free of morality and Penelope's FUCKED UP home life--seriously, VC Andrews would have looked indignantly over her half moon glasses and announced "there is a line and you have crossed it" at that--also line up nicely with current events. Even little bits that seemed just like one note jokes, like AMH playing Principal Featherhead, actually played into the story. He leaves the kids alone for eight hours every Saturday and naps in his office "because I've got nothing better to do?" That actually plays into the later conclusion that he killed himself--that was a very depressed person statement. And the actual mystery of who/what dresses up as the King and leaves goblets of poison around is interesting for once. Things I didn't quite get and/or liked: The music, as many pointed out, was firmly mid eighties but Alice said this was the early nineties in her narration. I assume it was a combination of trying to warp the feel of the time period and rights issues to the songs. Penelope's braces were a terrific touch. Young Mayor McCoy's changing her hair from natural to relaxed after the murder was a very good indication of her abandoning her old ideals along with her young love and embracing mainstream values. What exactly was the timeline on Alice's pregnancy??? Even if she was only about six hours pregnant when she took the test this whole Midnight Club thing seems to have gone on a good four or five months, and she was not showing AT. ALL.

Finally watched this and Riverdale did not discount the crazy! Thank you, writers, for remembering that Archie has PARENTS who haven't totally forgotten they have a kid. Fred at least is trying to see Arch and isn't going to back down; now could he and Mary organize the other parents of kids who are being beaten to death into a fighting force? The prison system and juvie still have to answer to state authorities, even if Hiram is bribing left and right. He doesn't have all the money in the world. Speaking of the warden, that actor is knocking it out of the park with his creepy bloodlust. He's doing a great job of not being turned on by the guys but by the guys fighting, like some more than usually lead-addled Roman emperor. However, Archie throwing fights? That's eventually going to piss off the guards who are losing money on the bets. This is a delicately balanced system of psychopaths here. Of course, he DID just hand a young man who has twenty years on him, is in peak shape, and full of raging anger issues a glass bottle full of alcohol. I said "You deserve everything you get" out loud at that point. But of course, I forgot we were dealing with Archie The Feckless Nitwit, who promptly hurled it at his bars and out of useful reach. His escape plan will most likely involve sock puppetry. Moving on to The Farm That Grows Nothing But Crazy story, Betty and Jug are trying to solve "cases" that could easily get them killed and involve deep town decades long conspiracies--so, Wednesday. Jughead (and later the Farm gang at the house) all see Evelyn so she's not a figment of Betty's mind, at least. Alice continues to devolve downwards to a newt form as she cheerfully rats out herself, FP, Betty and Jughead's coverup of a killing to a roomful of strangers! How the hell did this woman make it this far in life without falling down a manhole? Ethel's crash into mental illness gets more depressing every week. Also, way to go, sensitive Jug, for not only bringing up Ben but "her parents"; ETHEL'S DAD COMMITTED SUICIDE, FOR GOD'S SAKE. But I guess it's like Betty's dad being a serial killer or Midge's mom nearly murdering a teenager over her daughter's death; down the Memory Hole. I will say Shannon Purser is doing a terrific job with the character--you can totally buy her delve into this fantasy world. Plus, her costume as the Princess had that perfect over-worked earnestness that highlighted her desperation. She may fixate on Jug simply out of her pain but I truly doubt this is going to be some kind of triangle. The long delayed speakeasy/money pit is finally open! I do like how Veronica is this crazy blend of sophistication and naivete: she's bleeding dollars every week but puts off the opening because of Archikins. She recruits Josie and Toni for a little recon at the Wyrm (mostly an excuse to wear, again, the most hilariously over the top impractical sneaking around outfits ever) and blackmail material, but rather than threatening Hiram with his PAROLE BOARD, she goes FBI? Girl, you could shut him down in ten seconds if you really wanted to. Also, every teenager in Riverdale must have a ten million dollar a year clothing allowance. Josie is finally allowed to be onscreen for more than ten seconds, yay! Betty and Veronica remembered that they know each other! "IGNORE ME!"

I believe Pops retired, yes.

I am thrilled, however, that Riverdale has upheld the fine tradition of An Evil Authority Figure utterly misquoting Shakespeare (or the Bible.) When In Disgrace... is my favorite sonnet, and of course in its entirety means the complete an total opposite of the warden's bullshit take. Hardly an indictment of hope or the foolishness of belief in love, it actually underlines that one's memories of loving and being loved means that you are never alone. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/45090/sonnet-29-when-in-disgrace-with-fortune-and-mens-eyes