Snookums

OH my GOD, now this is the kind of insanity that Riverdale does so very well. First, let's go over how this is the least lucrative version of organ harvesting ever, shall we? While black market organs are definitely a tragic and highly organized thing, this is not the way to procure them. You don't harvest any kind of organ without a recipient, cash in hand, ready to go for the surgery, because organ life outside the body is a matter of a few hours, even on dry ice and being handled by people whose medical knowledge doesn't begin and end at binging House on Netflix. Those pickled specimens sure weren't for transplant, and that bleached out heart sitting on ice cubes wasn't going anywhere but back to tenth grade biology lab. I don't know who's paying Edgar for these bits and pieces but they sure aren't for transplants. Proof is Evelyn. Why the HELL would she be on immunosuppressive drugs and dialysis at the same damn time? If she's out recruiting teens and their plump, luscious innards wouldn't she, at the very least, demand a working specimen of her own? Preferably one not harvested at the "Sterile Conditions Are For Pussies" excuse for an OR? I'm not even going to go into the whole "I'm walking around mere days after being sawed in half" thing with Kevin and Fangs, both of whom were probably so thankful to actually have screen time they bit their lips and powered through their scenes manfully and with grace. The best part of this whole brouhaha was Jug and Betty's competition over who's got the weirder story to tell, and you've got to admit it was pretty neck and neck. Any other day "Jason FAKED HIS OWN DEATH" would be the clear winner, but between that and Polly apparently stanning for him and Edgar while being A-okay with telling Betty she's got serial killer genetics (WOW) and everything else...all I've got to say is that if they escape with their lives these two will have enough material to win about six Pulitzers apiece. Moving on to Jug, Ethel, the Lost Boys and the Black Hood--that was an admirably compact chunk of exposition/lining up pieces, I must admit. Ethel actually managed to get across some of the desperation that makes a person cling to an abusive relationship and Jughead continues to do most of the police work, which apparently didn't include calling the cops and telling them that the burned out school bus that should have been seized as evidence currently contains a pissed off serial killer but we can't have everything. I honestly assumed Hiram was planning some elaborate double cross all along with this ludicrous boxing match bullshit, because while he is a gorgeous man and in hella impressive shape, Archie is twenty years younger, in prime physical condition, a foot taller and has the arm reach to end this bout pretty decisively if any real world logic were involved here. But nope, I guess one of Ronnie's schemes had to work out just in terms of numbers, so okay! (I also appreciate the commitment FP shows in locking up people just as they're brought in--must have been pretty cold in that cell for sweaty Hiram in nothing but his trunks.) (Also that nearly murdering a minor in the ring isn't among the charges.) (Also that Mary is apparently old college roommates with people in every power position in the United States.)

The thing is (oh, Riverdale), this recruiter is talking about not just the Navy but ANNAPOLIS, which is basically the equivalent of Harvard. That's where they train the people who run nuclear subs. If Archie can't qualify for community college he sure as hell isn't getting in the door there--their boxing program is not so hard up that Mary's old college roommate has to recruit a seventeen year old who's basically flunking out and has to have his mom sign his fight permission slips. I wish they'd treat Archie's path to the future a bit better. He's not college material AND THAT IS FINE. Considering the astronomical cost and steadily diminishing returns a college education is offering these days, Archie saying I'm not cut out for this is one of the smartest things he's ever done! But that doesn't mean his only options are things like music and boxing; they're both highly unstable, poorly paid, and in the latter case will most probably have him dealing with traumatic encephalitis by the time he's thirty. Mary is perfectly right to be concerned! What in Heaven's name is wrong with him going to vocational school and taking over Fred's business or the like? He already has experience and that's a steady, high paycheck for an in-demand skill! But this ,of course, is Riverdale.

I saw it as Betty trying to protect her delusional mother, because no matter how sublimely rotten parents are on this show, their kids keep trying to give them one more chance. Plus, the whole "don't want to endanger my boyfriend and his little sister and his HOW IN GOD'S NAME IS HE STILL SHERIFF dad" thing to consider. Add in her Type A sleuth personality and yep, it makes as much sense as anything else on this show. Plus, she was smart enough to bring a gun to Prom! Ah, Riverdale, where a student bringing a gun to a dance is a good thing. Not that she actually fired it but that wasn't her fault. (Where did she get that piece, by the way?) [Gotta say, though: Alice, if you're gonna be down with serial killers for spouses, Edgar is a grade up--YUM. Can see why Evelyn is still catfishing for him (gross) and everybody else is grooving on him. I've had trouble in general with cult leaders in real life and on TV because they're supposed to be all charismatic and give me your wallet and most of the time I'm all I would not give this guy the time of day, let alone my daughter's college fund, you know? I will say that at least Edgar understands the importance of presentation.] So, has it always been that easy to switch up the entire presentation/decorations/everybody's outfits for Prom? Wouldn't most everybody already have their dresses bought and tuxes rented and such? How did everyone have those movie-ready costumes at their fingertips? Were we supposed to know who the murdered people were? Even for Riverdale everybody seemed to take three dead bodies/two serial killers at large very much in stride! Did they even go home early or did everybody dance and head over to Pops? Was everybody else afraid, speaking of, that Pops was going to tell Ronnie he had cancer or something? I was actually relieved that it was just more Hiram bullshit. Good to see True Cheryl is emerging from the puddinglike grasp of the Farm--yeah, yeah, oneness and everything BUT THIS IS PROM QUEEN. I adore the idea of her just turning on the Farmies because dammit, there's cults and there's dead brothers, but you cheated me out of my crown, assholes. Good to see Archie's mother arrive, bringing a breath of realistic parenting to this craziness (and sad to see her because we know Fred is not coming back from his trip.) What ridiculous version of Sarah Lawrence did she say she went to--Florence or whatever? I love how the show so nakedly advertises sponsor products while flamboyantly bowdlerizing real places and things. And while I agree that college is simply not for Archie, Mary is completely right in pointing out that a seventeen year old choosing this kind of brutal and mainly short lived career with no backup plan is ludicrous.

Oh, he totally did. I assume the rest of the "plot" will involve finding out Betty set up the "accident," him and Chic The Fake Cooper helping Betty run the Farm out of town so we think Betty's started wearing the wig full time, only for her to turn on Hal at the last minute and get rid of him too. Alice will pretend none of this ever happened and end up passive-aggressive snarling at Penelope over who gets to buy the twins the most over-the-top gifts while Polly drifts around like a ghost with no lines.

It's making that whole Betty's Dad The Serial Killer look well thought out and perfectly timed. And while we're on the subject, I'm pretty damn sick of this whole Farm bit too. They've made them way too powerful and impregnable, to the point where there doesn't seem to be any way to take them down at all, unless Hal (who isn't dead, please, Riverdale, we were not born yesterday) shows up to team up with Hiram and whoever the hell the GK is to run them out of town. (Also, TOTALLY CALLED the whole Evelyn is Edgar's wife bit, not because I'm so brilliant but because it was really the only way to take this whole debacle, which has zigged and zagged enough to paint a whole herd of zebras and finally just is twirling in exhaustion.) (Also, did anybody else snort with derisive laughter when Edgar said "your best friend Kevin" is here? When did he and Betty last speak, even? When has he even had a LINE in the last five episodes?) (Also, suddenly Penelope cares about the twins again? Or, in total fairness, Jason Junior/Dagwood? Since when?) So I'm not crazy? What a relief. Again, Riverdale exists in pockets of time and space that barely interact on a linear level. I guess that explains why Betty and Jug never even tried calling each other; hard to get through when your cell phones are in different dimensions. What the hell was the entire point of that whole D&D thing besides getting Gladys out of town in the most convoluted way imaginable? Because I don't see what anybody on the Gargoyle King side got out of it but a dead Kurtz, which if frankly okey-dokey with me because that freakazoid was a hardcore lunatic killer that would have had Hal going okay, wait, this kid's messed up. But seriously: the GK didn't do much except, as I said, run his Fizzle Rocks seller off and kill his cook. No charges were pressed, Ricky apparently just took off, Jellybean's fine, Jughead didn't bother taking a swing at the pile of sticks and bones that whoever this is runs around in--WHAT. WAS. THE. POINT? Good for Josie fleeing in one piece! Nice for at least one parent to remember she exists, since Attorney McCoy and Ex Sheriff Keller were less of a presence in this than the Pussycats. Don't they care that Kevin has totally drunk the Kool-Aid? Will they even notice Josie's gone? As for the entire boxing brohaha, I cannot care at all. I mean, no parent in this town seems to think that none of these TEENAGERS never going to school, organizing professional bouts, running off on a national music tour or barely escaping a cult with their skin intact seems at all odd, so it's hard to think any of it matters.

Off to Canada to wrestle another bear!

Oh Betty; it ain't your fault your crazy family raised you in Riverdale. I can see why the Farm is so popular around these parts: it probably feels like Old Home Week to most of the characters. While Betty's last ditch attempt to Dark Betty her mom back to sanity was ridiculous and over the top, as is usual on the show, desperate family members have kidnapped their loved ones out of cults many, many times; the film Holy Smoke shows one fictionalized version of this if you're not doing anything. And of course the infuriating thing about trying to rescue somebody from one of these organizations is that they don't want to be rescued! They truly think they're loved and cared for, and a talented, charismatic leader can oil their way out of just about any argument that "rational" people can pose. Edgar's going to a suspicious amount of trouble to keep Alice around. So far, the only people we've heard of seeing dead loved ones are her and Cheryl. Is there a connection? Cheryl has money, but Alice isn't wealthy, and her new job is courtesy of the Farm. Hmmmm. Betty's fear of being a monster is being expertly manipulated by Edgar, but it's not coming from nowhere. She's severely traumatized and hasn't dealt with the fallout of her father at ALL (even though no one else has brought it up even once so it's not like she's being ostracized) and now every time she shows strength or anger she's starting to worry that it means she's "got darkness in her" or whatever. Unfortunately, that appears to be leading to the ludicrous-even-for-Riverdale idea that Hal wants to come home? Ha ha ha NO. This guy is an admitted SERIAL KILLER. The only place he's going besides his cell should be courtrooms and the gas chamber. However, Penelope apparently is slipping in for conjugal visits, so why not???? Speaking of ludicrous, let's swing by the Sheriff's office, which is run by an ex-felon and his underage son, who apparently do every single lick of police work here, including stakeouts, interviews, and not sending wounded and drug-crazed people to the damn hospital (that, unfortunately, is all too real in many cases) when they're not listening to Doctor Ghoul exposit on the idea that you can bleed to death by having your teeth pulled. Hey, guys? Here's an idea: if you really want to clear Fizzle Rocks out of this town, maybe pull in some actual adult cops? You're going to have your hands full with rescuing your recently remembered daughter/sister. Hey! Josie and Kevin's Dad were in the same building! Maybe next week they can actually interact and he can inquire after his cult-stolen son and invisible new wife! Meanwhile, Archie's story is, as per usual, deeply boring and reliant on the idea that a teenager is running a gym while training other wannabe fighters while merrily skipping school for weeks at a time. (Ugh, though, it hurt to see Luke Perry do his scenes--in a way, he was the kind of ghost Toni and Betty are trying to get Cheryl and Alice to see. He's right there, but he's gone.)

I think her reaction, like most of the others this episode, was along the lines of "careful what you wish for." It's one thing to want a huge life change--even one that anybody with eyes could see NEEDS TO HAPPEN, LIKE, YESTERDAY--and quite another to confront the actual thing as it happens. No matter how many times you rehearse or fantasize about the scenario of Hiram being out of your life, when he actually says the words "there is no family anymore" and his idea of taking care of Hermione is annulling their marriage, negating the entire thing and rendering Veronica illegitimate in the process (SYMBOLISM), well. Who wouldn't be thrown off kilter? Who wouldn't at least think up a wild scheme to "make them come to their senses?" (this is Riverdale, so of course Veronica actually tries to pull it off, but still.) Reality is different for every person, and as sad and twisted as it may be, for her it's home.

I mean, you really can't blame the Farm for moving in on Riverdale, whose motto is apparently "Nothing But Low-Hanging Fruit."

He's also got a new wife and stepdaughter who apparently don't need any attention either! And yeah, why the hell is Gladys so into both crime and being vindictive against Jug? Is it because he chose to stay with his then actively drinking/abusive dad rather than go set up her Fagin-in-Cleveland outfit with her and Jellybean? If all she cared about was money she could easily have franchised Fizzle Rocks or JIngle Jangle into a much bigger area where she was, so she's got some kind of revenge against Riverdale thing going.

I hope not: in reading about Victorian seances and Theosophic societies, they really pulled off some doozies with convincing people that they were talking to loved ones. Not just "there's somebody in the room who's missing someone" but super specific information they had to do a lot of work to get. Combine the same tactics, which the Farm is clearly using, with modern day tech and makeup skills and it's probably easier than expected to do the whole "here's your dead loved one who's not dead!" switch. Edgar clearly is gunning for Scientology levels of power, and I think Betty senses that. when she sat with him saying she wanted to "know everything," it was to lure him, as he's lured so many. And since he, like Betty, thinks he's "too smart" to fall for manipulation, she might just be able to defeat him in the end. Guys like Edgar are textbook narcissists: they have a pathological need for attention and admiration, but obtaining it through trickery from their marks isn't too much of a hit after a while. Having this Teen Girl Detective seemingly in his thrall is probably very, very tempting. (Also love how Evelyn is so nervous around him, so terrified to screw up.) Well this one showed how very hard it can be to escape a system that's got a LOT invested in you staying right where you are. From Archie's Fight Club to Jughead and Gladys to the endless Farm machinations to Veronica's desperate attempts to keep her world from crumbling, some power systems seem impossible to shut down, while others simply peter out. Things I liked amid the craziness: Ex Sheriff Keller overseeing Archie's gym, so at least one responsible (ish) adult is around to make sure it isn't instantly turned into some kind of ridiculous out of JD version of the fight club that was happening in Juvie. However, you'd think he'd be interested in Elio sliming around. He knows damn well the guy's a Mob fixer. Also, does he even remember he's got a wife, stepdaughter, and SON? Archie asking for Veronica's help and her agreeing with not one drop of angsty drama. These two don't hate each other, at all, and it was great to see two people still liking and respecting each other even if they're not dating. Cheryl, until her brainwash, was her magnificent self and I hope she snaps out of this crap soon (where the hell is Toni? Does she know about any of this?) I like this character best when she's all This is Cheryl's World and I deign to let you live in it. Betty and Jughead continue to support each other's terrible agendas in the cutest way possible. (IS Betty staying there? Or with Vee? Or where?) I really think Jughead needs to pull the pin on the whole thing with his dad, if only to get the inevitable scene where FP takes him aside and goes " I KNOW your mom's the dealer, Jug; I lived with that woman for years. You think she's fooling me? Now QUIT with your independent study project before you blow this whole thing!" But man, Gladys sending her son into a shooting gallery, knowing the chances were high he could get killed, was ice cold even for this town. Although Jughead is apparently immortal and can both fall through glass windows from great heights and have 170 pound teenage boys dropped on him from stairwells to no ill effect, so maybe Archie's rubbing off on him. Did Archie catch Kurtz there after he ran off, or what? The last scene with poor Baby Teeth was suitably creepy. If Edgar is behind the G&G gargoyle king setup I'd sure like to know what his endgame is.

It's always better the devil you know. Veronica's family has always been fucked up and horrible (second only to Cheryl) and it's the only way she's ever known love growing up. If you're in a crime family loyalty and a united front are going to be the most important things, and that's what they've always fallen back on. Even during the slow-mo trainwreck that was Hiram's obsession with Archie they were a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad family. So when Hiram announces that since Hermione's tried to off him twice, which in any other family would be a signal that things have gone seriously off the rails, of course Veronica's upset. Their policy, in its entirety, was Double Down on Bad Choices because otherwise you're admitting to what you've allowed to happen and actively participated in, with no positive result. So what if Mom tried to kill you, Dad? You've put us in mortal danger countless times! Now you're just being selfish in walking away! No matter how bad it's been, having one of the players abruptly quit this game must feel like somebody coming up to you and announcing that nothing you've ever thought of as yours ever was, and you've got to start over naked, with nothing.

Plays the organ 'cause you're preachin', girl! The strength of this insane show is the chemistry among the cast members; if they never speak the writers are leaving money on the table! So, WhosThatGirl, you must admit that was enough Bughead to sate even your tender heart! Sigh...they're so cute together. Singing, solving mysteries, burning down childhood homes (Betty's expression while clearly thinking "got it right this time" was priceless) and getting roped into being onstage out of nowhere. They can do it all! So, the episode! I am old and grey and full of sleep and am about twenty years out of date when it comes to hip musicals. I remember watching Heathers as a film, for God's sake. So while I probably didn't get a lot of the in jokes I have to say that when Riverdale does a musical number, they commit all the way. Dancing and singing in the hallways to make their case and that's just the beginning! Were they really about to go full Teenager Three Way on the stage during Toni's number? Holy crap! If we wanted proof Kevin is fully submerged into Farm ideology, the idea of having a co-director who is using rehearsals as recruitment/blackmail gathering sessions should do the trick. I hope Evelyn's horrific interpretation of "Method" was a joke and nobody thinks that's how that acting discipline really works; even without the whole "marriage in the SOQU chapel" thing that was enraging. NO, weirdo, I am not telling you my secrets, nor anybody else on this stage, thanks. (Also, I can name exactly not one costume designer/wardrobe mistress who would be cool with a bunch of teenagers spilling blue jello shots down their costumes while getting them sweaty and gross at some teen party. Evelyn you are the worst.) That bizarre rite, by the way, actually has precedence in real-world cult activities: marriage or bonding to somebody whom the leader picks out for you. Google Reverend Moon if you want a really huge example. Archie just enjoying himself onstage and having an age-appropriate relationship discussion was a breath of fresh air. Not only did he not have to play dumb but he and Josie actually pulled off the idea that they could be a couple. So of course Ashleigh is leaving. Sigh...we can't have nice things in Riverdale. Reggie is fast becoming the center of sanity and realistic thinking in this whirlpool and just stop and think about that for a second. He's got crack comic timing, plus he's smart enough to say Veronica, I don't want to keep hoping this is something that it isn't. Good for him. And Veronica. Of course she's devastated by her parents splitting up: it's always better the devil you know, and the bizarro world of her family was actually a bulwark against the outside forces that make up her life. It's not that she doesn't know that The Dreadful Hs aren't terrible people who have tried to destroy her and each other all their lives; it's that she keeps hoping things will be different. And since her parents programmed her since birth to put family above all this is like somebody coming up to you and saying the ground no longer exists. Speaking of terrible parents, hey Edgar! The show finally revealed your existence, plus managed to give Evelyn a microsecond of sympathy: of all the parents in this town, of all the terrible, terrible things they've raised their kids to believe and do, I really think Evelyn wins the prize for worst. Even Hiram could probably be talked around out of killing Veronica in the end: Edgar would probably murder Evelyn for looking at him wrong.

When Gladys said she was going to enroll Jellybean in school I thought "why?"

Well, I'd never argue that either of them should get Parent of the Year, or even a You Kinda Tried lapel pin, frankly, but what I liked about the scene is that it gave both actors a small scene to show facets of their characters that aren't usually used with all the crazy plot twists swirling around, and how it showed that these two people weren't always this way. Once they were just two kids in love, and it all went wrong and kept going wrong until the craziest shit kept happening and happening and now they're middle aged and have kids and one married a serial killer and the other's an ex-gang leader who's the sheriff now... And our kids are DATING, for God's sake, and how the hell did I make all these bad choices? Which was the one that led to all the others? I didn't want to be this way. I put tons of energy into trying not to be the way I am, but I can't change back to the young girl/boy I was, who saw you in the school hallway and felt my heart melt and knew everything led to you, and it still does, but what I did for all those years is standing between us and we can't reach past it. FP and Alice can't change or excuse all their bad, bad, fuckups. They've left permanent marks on their children and have been bad, careless people for a lot of years. But they weren't always this way.

Me watching episode: So far so good, levels of crazy steady and holding. *Fred/FP scene* Me: Oh... oh. *crumples to floor, tears leaking out* Sometimes writers get a scene right for a reason they couldn't possibly know, the worst kind of correct. At least Skeet Ulrich got to say goodbye to someone he had no notion was leaving. But about the rest of the episode! *draws deep, shaky breath* Okay, so this one is about bad timing, and trying to fake good timing, and how you can fool some of the people all of the time (Archie being president of this particular club), but not all the people. Jughead already had his suspicions so Betty's news and Fang's/Sweet Pea's confirmation of Gladys's nefarious dealings weren't the body blow finding out about Jelly Bean is going to be. It was more along the lines of "Yeah, had an idea that this was what it seemed to be rather than what my mom is pretending it is" and he (thank God) doesn't dither about shutting it down. LOOOOOVED he and Betty's twin smirks as they plot world domination. I'm very glad the show remembered Betty and Veronica know each other and that Vee didn't hesitate (well she did a bit, but because it was bad news) to tell her about Gladys. Of course she didn't mention her own role, but let's face it, what Veronica did was to try to get her parents OUT of the drug trade, which is exactly what Jug and Betty want to do too. So I can't really blame her for that one. Archie's Red Paladin thing was reallllly dragging on, almost as much as the whole Edgar Evernever reveal, so if it means wrapping up this particular thread, then I am fine pretending that these Fizzle Rock-riddled morons all got in the ring with someone who's been training in this sport (some wearing full leather outfits) and got their asses handed to them one by one while Archie endures ten beatings in a row and still isn't mumbling about socks and pudding in a cranial trauma clinic somewhere, ending in not one fatality or permanent injury, apparently. When the real Gargoyle King hears about this it's all going to blow up again but what the hell. (Speaking of, since Hiram printed up those things, who did he give them to, exactly? Because if it was to the Warden and Tall Boy directly why was the actual GK okay with that? And if he gave the rest to the King how is it he doesn't know who the guy is?) (Also, did Josie know about any of this? Did Archie drop by her house for his usual round of vigorous boning post violent multiple attacks on his tender person?) Archie queries exactly none of this, of course, being too busy going "Sure, I'll trust you about this boxing ring/Fizzle Rock and other malfeasance-heavy activity drop, Mr. Lodge! Nothing bad has happened when I listen to you!" Honestly, Archie, this is the man who tried to have you killed, okay? It's time to get on the Clue Bus! Cheryl and Toni, thank you for demonstrating that sexual connection does not automatically equal long-term compatibility. They may care about each other, but Cheryl's bizarre upbringing means she's deeply damaged and sees love as a kind of romantic hostage taking, while Toni is understandably uncomfortable being treated as a Pekingese at the Waldorf-Astoria. I did enjoy the return of Cheryl's cape/spider pin/bossing around of Kevin, though. I like Cheryl best when she's just queening around spreading Cheryl's Demands far and wide. Alice and FP had a little moment there when the writers actually remembered they were in love. It was nice to see Madchen and Skeet get that scene where they go man, we just never get a break, do we? Veronica and Reggie. The problem when you both have good points to make but they're on different pieces of paper. Veronica is correct in pointing out she's not exactly rolling in the dough and what Reggie's asking doesn't make sense in any realistic way. Plus, it's not like she forced or bribed him into helping her: his reasons included wanting to make her see him as a romantic possibility and sticking it to his dad. But he's got a point too: he really has given up a lot and Veronica does tend to string people along and try to make amends through material means. It's always hard to realize that somebody just doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about them. Conversely, it's tough to grasp that a person who genuinely feels for you can't dial that back no matter how much you reason with them or try to fix the superficial aspects of the problem.

Remember when Weatherbee was throwing fits about the Serpents and insisting they wear polos and khakis and shit? And when Mayor McCoy was being all Just Say No about G&G? And now it's all "enjoy burning your hands kids! Also, I will throw a fit about a gang fight but not a dead eyed psycho who should be in a padded room on all the Thorazine HANGING A KID UPSIDE DOWN FROM A STAIRWELL, AND THEN DROPPING HIM." Fangs would have died if Jug and that other Serpent hadn't broken his fall. And then! Jug goes to his father, the sheriff, about this, and nobody says "maybe this nutjob should be arrested for attempted murder and assault before he actually kills somebody [else, because who knows what this lunatic has already done]?" No, Grown Adult Sheriff HP Jones just tells his minor son to figure out a way to handle it. This isn't a fight over who sold the most band candy! That kid is a potential killer!

Wowsers, okay, that's probably the sanest this crackers and nuts show is ever going to be again, and I will say that they made progress on various story lines AND had some characters actually interact, so here's hoping that the writers are inching their way back to the strengths of Riverdale--good young actors with great chemistry having a fun time with crazy circumstances. I think one problem, that really started to grow like a mutant yeast spore during the whole Archie/Hiram nonsense, was that in the first season the kids and the adults had a wacky yet comprehensible connection. That is, the kids had all these secrets and problems and mysteries that they were working on on their own, while relating to the adults on the show in a least semi-recognizable way as parents and children. The adults may have been bad parents or insane or drunk or overachieving, but none of them seemed to insist on dragging the teenagers outside their own sphere, and it gave the show the juice and tension it needed. Now, though, everybody either seems to forget they even have parents and/or children, or when they do remember, it's so out of left field as to be ludicrous. Setting aside the Archie/Hiram slow motion car wreck, look at this episode! Principal Weatherby cares about a gang fight but not a raving sociopath nearly murdering another student? Pops is now some kind of babysitter who doesn't call the cops when an underage truant minor is just left in his restaurant all day, or when his underage boss sets up a bar AND CASINO, complete with muscle, in the basement? Said casino is patronized by both sides of the Riverdale underworld because apparently there is NO other bar or any other place of adult entertainment in town, even though that was Hiram's original friggin' goal in the first damn place? (Right, Penelope?) Alice actually thinks Betty is going to listen to her like they've ever had any kind of normal relationship? The one true parental moment was of course, the heart wringing moments with Fred (oh, Luke Perry) and Archie actually discussing their bizarro world and whirlpool of lunacy that is their lives in a way that felt caring and unforced. (Hey, speaking of which, what the hell is with Archie getting stabbed/bear swiped/sliced in the same damn spot every time? Do the ineffable forces of the universe hate the left side of his torso that much?) Anyway. Okay, so! Kevin. Seriously. You'd better be undercover (and if you are, props to your level of dedication) but if not, go and join this cult and get yourself killed for all I care. You aren't the first person to feel abandoned and heartbroken, but you ARE in a much, much better position than most to know how deeply ridiculous the idea of The Farm helping you is. (Again, it's not really that Kevin is without reasons to feel vulnerable and adrift. He's lost Moose, Moose's dad tried to kill them both, his dad recently remarried, and so on. It's that the actor never gets a chance to play any in between states. There's Point A My First Love Leaves and then Point Z I NOW WORSHIP EDGAR and nothing connecting the two.) Honestly, when Betty went to Josie to talk about this entire debacle I spent half the scene wondering why--I completely forgot that they're stepsiblings now. That's how fragmented these story lines are. Alice, meet Old Betty! So good to see her back! While some might find her burning down the house extreme, I don't blame her a bit. I do wonder, though, how fast she set that fire and left, seeing as Alice walked in right when it was getting started. Fire spreads much, much faster than most people realize and in another five minutes the entire place would have been engulfed. Veronica and Reggie continue to be a terrific comedy team. I didn't realize how much her endless parental woes story needs his crack timing until last week when he wasn't around. His devotion to giant bow ties, plaid pants and random cultural slang really leavens the lump of this dragging thread. Toni deciding she's tired of being a kept woman is honestly refreshing. I liked watching the scenes with her and Cheryl playing the "of COURSE nothing's wrong" game familiar to anybody who's been angry at a significant other. Cheryl's losing her sense of ownership and that's never good. This entire episode seemed to be about trying to at least have some threads of the connection between the characters that made it so special in the first place: the lounge, Jughead and Betty telling Archie they'll help him, Veronica paying Toni to be her Girl Strike Force, and so on. Her banning Gladys and Hiram seemed to be saying that the kids are taking back their own space.

To be fair, people who have been in cults, and their loved ones, say that they totally changed, and in many cases, lost many personality traits due to being subsumed into this hive mind, so that's not even inaccurate, but it is boring to watch! Crazy Alice used to get on my nerves but not because she was uninteresting, even when her actions didn't really track from one episode to the next. But nowadays all she does is drone on about how she's freeing herself with organic milk and oatmeal cookies with that placid smile and it's BORING. Which will be about the twelfth of never, since once again the show seems to have forgotten that Alice and FP even know each other, much less have a secret son and fraughtness and drama around the whole thing. I'm not too worried, since most of these mobsters in general and Elio in particular are just as dumb as a box of hair. They make Archie seem like a Rhodes scholar. By the time they get around to trying to go after him Archie will have taken up skydiving or skeet shooting or something and be dating Evelyn.

Ugh, you guys... Luke Perry has apparently suffered a massive stroke. No details are out there yet that I've found, but...ugh.

Okay, so this is some bizarro world blend of Scientology, Apocalypse Now, and various 50s JD movies with lots of boring pawn moving in between (with a skosh of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome for spice!) You go on with your bad self, show. Once again, these crazy ass multiple storylines means that characters who should be deeply involved with each other never even speak. Does Fred notice Archie's latest near-death experience? Does Jughead help Betty out beyond the most perfunctory advice? Does Kevin even exist beyond being the latest in a series of betrayals making Betty feel totally alone? Will Veronica get any help from her latest boyfriend who's mysteriously NOWHERE? Will Betty and Veronica ever even speak again? Didn't Keller get friggin' MARRIED to JOSIE'S MOTHER like, a week ago? You get the idea. While the actors do their best with the slivers of reality they're working in, the fact is Riverdale has splintered into various pocket universes, all of which are apparently parallel to each other and never meet except to branch off into some insane Mandelbrot set of plot machinations. The entire Pretty Poison thing was so damn stupid and existed only to set up Cheryl and Toni's inevitable and long overdue breakup, but it can't be just that, it also has to spiral into this crazed dredging of all the fifty thousand gangs in Riverdale led by You Will Never Be Brando Teenager or whatever the hell that was. Jughead, naturally, says barely a word to Betty (who, as Serpent Queen, should theoretically be taking an interest, right?) and nothing to his supposed best friend and recent traveling companion/rescued from death AGAIN, Archie. Archie, meanwhile, is refreshingly himself--that is, a rock-stupid darling half-grown Boxer puppy who cannot accumulate any memory or experience no matter how hard he tries. He leaps from a reasonable outlet for his anger--boxing training--to deciding he needs a match right after Keller tells him he's suicidally unready to come anywhere near such a setup to agreeing to THROW A FIGHT for a Mob guy in exactly four minutes! Even for him that's a record. Josie, who hey! Got lines this week although apparently not a mother, at least tries to talk sense into him, but it's Archie. Luckily, Archie is still protected by a bemused God so not only does he not get flat out murdered in the ring, he continues his tradition of hot sex with a loving, gorgeous woman right after being beaten half to death. Betty: man, if there was going to be a case made for why her father seems to be the better bet parenting wise, this episode was it. The sendup of Scientology was pretty much moved from subtext to BIG BOLD LETTERS at this point; I would like to know why Alice, of all people, isn't connecting the extremely obvious points between The Farm and the G&G game, but she's clearly full on delusional at this point. (The one thing I actually agreed with was selling that house. Not to finance Alice's nuttery, of course, but frankly they must need the money at this point! Does she even have a job anymore?) Veronica's storyline was lots of running in place, really. I like Gina Gershon and her devilish ways--she's the first evil character who seems to grasp that it's easier to control teenagers if you Den Mother them rather than try to pretend they're adults, but I'm really unclear on why she's there at all. She seemed to be doing just fine in Cleveland and suddenly she wants to burn down Riverdale with Jellybean by her side or whatever? Just wear your cool-ass scarf/hair feather combo and reach for higher things, woman.

I found it intensely hilarious that while all the other parents were calling their "Having Better Sex Than You Ever Did" kids and going "LOCK THE DOORS! ARE YOU OKAY???" Penelope just rings up Cheryl and goes "get your bow and kill this asshole." In a bizarre and horrible way they totally get each other.

Did anyone catch all the Patricia Highsmith references? Not only Highsmith college, but the "community college theater production of The Talented Mister Ripley" and Penelope telling Cheryl "this is the price of salt."

Heh heh heh. For an episode titled Bizarrodale, this was least chaotic one in a while, while still being fun crazy! Nice to see Moose, Josie, and Reggie getting more to do. Josie especially killed it--when she's talking about how much she's given up to stay Mature and Focused and how it didn't matter in the end and she has no idea what to do she really sold the scene. Especially when you think about the earlier line about how she couldn't ask her mom for a ride because if she didn't get in there'd be no end to her mother's nitpicking over what they could have done differently. I appreciated the theme of the episode--that you can really try and be really good and it may not get you what you want--being taken seriously with her character. And KJ was great as a supportive friend. I really wished they hadn't kissed because I was so digging the idea that these two could be really good friends, have a person in their lives that's important without romantic feelings but just as special. Also, this means Archie has dated THREE of the four Pussycats (of course, Val and Melody have vanished into the ether, but still) and if I was Josie I'd be doing a head tilt at that idea. However, they did have really good chemistry and Archie's asking "can I kiss you?" shows that consent can be hella sexy. Moving on to the Bumbling Not Bank Robbery: I wish this story had some more screen time! Because Reggie and Veronica make a great comedy duo of two people who are in too deep but can't back out now, and Ronnie's constant "plan plan plan as things get crazier" while Reggie asks if breaking kneecaps is a real thing is honestly delightful! Poor Reggie, he wants to be tough (his earnest joy in being able to "say I got shot!" while Vee gently points out the entire idea is that NOBODY KNOWS THAT THEY DID THIS was hands-down adorable) and his comment about his dad's handing out shiners like they're his allowance underlined that. (And frankly Mr. Mantle better watch out. Because his kid is GIGANTIC and has been taught all the wrong lessons about physical violence. Someday he's going to hit back.) Okay, somebody help me out here--is Gladys working for Hiram as his liaison in this deal? Because that means Hiram's buying the factory? That he owns? From his wife? Who doesn't seem to know that, right? And Hiram found out about this while lying in a coma? Or is Gladys double crossing Hiram and working for Edgar or whoever or for herself or what? And she found out about this sale from Toledo? CONFUSED IS WHAT I AM. And why is Gladys so happy to be back in Riverdale while recruiting her preteen daughter against her own father and brother? If there's anything Riverdale has by way of an embarrassment of riches, it is shitty, horrible parents; as much as I love Gina Gershon, this is the fifteenth cherry on this sundae. While I'm glad Josie and Kevin are happy for their folks (and Tom and Sierra have a believable "found my old flame again" heat) I do wish they'd at least ask about their other current, living parents. Kevin's mom is in a war zone, for God's sake! I'm not suggesting they be invited to the wedding but a single line or so about the fact that these kids are about to be stepsiblings while not even bringing them up seems weird. But never mind that, onto the Plot That Will Not Die: G&G, The Re-Uppening! All I can say is that finding out who the 'real' Gargoyle King is better be worth it after all these shenanigans. While my heart went out to Moose's dad, the show once again does not stick the landing by handing this huge, twisted revelation to an character we've just barely seen and can't have a real connection with. Plus, while it was established that he was exposed to this craziness by the SOQM, how on earth did he know anything about the Midnight Club and Ascension Night? He wasn't a member and it's a sure bet Hiram wasn't recruiting him for this bullshit. Blah. Honestly, every time they cut back to this story I was "oh, right, this." But the actors were having a blast, which was fun to watch, and man oh man, I don't know who Nathalie Boltt is married to but I assume it's the costume designer. Her outfits in this were TO DIE FOR, especially that getup she had on at the initial meeting with the velvet poppies. Perfectly over the top while staying on point thematically. The cyanide antidote (loved how everybody side-eyed her at the same time until she just said "oh please" and downed hers, hee!) and asking Cheryl if she had her bow really gave her a bunch of fun notes to play. Cheryl is Cheryl, again, and while I'm glad Toni called her out on her self-centeredness (outing anybody is wrong, but a minor teenager whose dad is CLEARLY not down with this? She could have, and nearly did, get him killed) that whole thing was so After School Special that even Madeline's flawless line reads couldn't cover the seams completely. And frankly, her ability to say what I'm thinking IRT that nasty ass bunker cot makes me forgive her for a lot. This annoys me too! One, because as you say, it makes bisexuality seem like a cowardly dodge rather than a sexual identity and two, they HAVE gay characters! Kevin is gay! Always has been! Toni says she's bi but since she's nothing but Cheryl's Girlfriend these days, it doesn't seem to really count.

If I had to guess, I'd say something along the lines of: Penelope helps Hal escape, and he promptly kills her and frames Betty. (Because, again, Betty was pretty openly accusing Nell of being a serial killer all on her own, even though, again, there is absolutely no real reason why Betty would care about this at all.) Hal says he'll help Betty flee and they can be a father/daughter serial killer avenging duo or something ,and Jughead has to help prove her innocence and get Hal shot seventeen times in the town square on camera so this crap can finally be over with. He will be assisted by fake Chic, who was Hal's protege after his fleeing through the woods bit but Hal betrays him so Fake Chic betrays him right back. Alice, in the meantime, will try to recruit the Farm cultees to help capture Hal, only to find out that Edgar is Hal's fraternal twin and end up killing him too. He'll try to rat out her own murder (remember that?) but they will pin it on Dead Hal and the season will end happily, with Josie and Cheryl singing a duet at the speakeasy while Ronnie wears fifty thousand dollars worth of couture as she issues Pops his fourth IOU in lieu of a paycheck and pours shots for all the teenagers and Reggie dances the Charleston with Nana, wearing matching plaids.