NinjaPenguins

Let me get this straight. Aside from a post-show PSA done by actors MCE and JT, what good is this Chelsea/mental health story doing for anyone who suffers from depression? You can’t start out all serious and earnest and then veer off into whatever the hell this crapfest of a storyline is. Attempting suicide and failing is apparently like hitting the emotional jackpot in Genoa City. Sure, you get some Nosferatu looking motherfucker appointing himself as your life coach, bodyguard, and bullshit supply depot, but look at all the other benefits! Foist yourself on holiday gatherings and bask in the awkwardness. Soak up the kindness and empathy from the two kids you’ve already fucked up and who will now stifle themselves to protect your fragile psyche. What the fuck, show. What the actual fuck. Now I must beg you, good people, to stop putting the idea of a Noah baby out into the universe. Gross. He already has a child, and his name is Nick. We never saw Noah and Audra together; the writers just slapped these two idiots on screen, insisted they had a relationship and expect us to give a flying fuck. There’s an interesting concept in television writing called “show stuff happening.” At least make the exposition necessary to explain what’s happening on screen less clunky and more interesting.

Billy looks like he’s contracted a serious case of vampirism. If we’re lucky, he’ll crumble into a pile of dust and nose hairs from all the sunshine Lily was blowing up his pant leg. Has Chelsea’s therapist ever spoken to Connor? Treated him? It is an egregious breach of, I don’t know, everything to assume he can handle his mother’s ish without taking his psychological temperature. I wish Sally could kick her bizarre Curious George fetish. How do you go from fine ass men like Jack and Adam to a caveman with pudding between his ears?

Chelsea is a project for Billy. It’s like he’s going for his merit badge in mental health. From a meaningful story about depression to the latest manic obsession of an emo failson hogging the world’s supply of nostril - truly a journey for the ages. Mythcarriage = masterpiece. Also, who gives a fuck? Just don’t give Noah a kid, please. No more Newmans needed.

I appreciate what the show was trying to do with Chelsea, but it could have easily been done with a character who hadn’t been drugged and raped by her. I mean, have someone unexpected talk her off the ledge. Devon, Kevin, Harrison, that fucking Bentley… but not Billy. Did Victoria blow more smoke up Nate’s ass or did Nate blow more up Vic’s ass? Truly one of the great riddles of our time. You could have fertilized a football field with the piles they were shoveling today. Well, hopefully the psa at the end helps somebody. Depression is no joke.

Preferably by Aaron Judge. Holding a bat. So I saw a commercial for the show touting the whole Diane’s Deep Dark Secrets storyline, and I thought to myself “Who cares?” followed by “You think this made up on the fly crapola is going to attract eyeballs? Eat shit!” Jack is my favorite character, but christ almighty, I can’t with his existential angst over Diane’s machinations. Is he brand new? Stay away from Nikki, Ashley and Phyllis, man. They’re bad for you. Two of them would happily compete for a berth in Victor’s colon and the other cheated on you with your blowhole of a brother. What the hell do they know? Victoria thinks it’s a grand idea to fire the employee her brother’s been putting it too until recently; must be that Newman business savvy at work. You know, like hiring the dope who tried to sell out his family because of his bruised ego. Good luck with that.

I get why Kyle (and by extension, Jack) would feel betrayed and have a hard time with Diane and what she did. Her petty pursuers, however, don’t give two fucks about Kyle. I suppose Nikki might be sore about the murder rap, but I have very little sympathy for anyone who enables a psychopath like Viktor. Ashley? You’ll never convince me that she genuinely gives a damn about Jack. Phyllis is just jealous and possessive and can eat a big bag of shit. Damn. How did I miss this? I’d also accept a flaming silver briefcase of righteous justice.

I thought I heard Diane tell Jack that she sold Jeremy’s expensive gifts to afford the house. Nothing I love more than an entire plot that happened off-screen being given to us in an expository gusher.

Query. What would be the best object to crash through the ceiling and directly into the Kyle-Summer afterglow? A meteor? A giant anvil embossed with the ACME logo? An Oldsmobile Cutlass? The metric ton of mucus from Buttbiscuit’s nostrils? What a couple of smug, annoying assholes.

Anytime Billy dares to give anyone’s business ethics the side eye, someone needs to sidle up to him, whisper “Jaboat” into his ear and gently pull his thong up over his shiny black coiffure. I like Elena. She seems normal and grounded, though I can see why some find her boring. I enjoy the new Tucker as well, as I did the previous one. I guess I was just never overly attached to the character, and it’s been a while, so I can roll with it. Just put Adam and Sally back together. Nick likes crazy assholes with boundary issues and Chelsea is right there… time to reignite that spark, Banana Breath. Chloe, your advice is bad. Nate confessed. I actually enjoyed that.

It’s headed to sunny, beautiful Off the Rails. JG will be your conductor. Any promising destinations will be strictly avoided in favor of tragically disappointing detours. Shit sandwiches will be served in the dining car at 12:30 p.m. (est) every weekday. BTW, that’s not a tunnel you’re hurtling through; it’s Buttbiscuit’s Nostrils, the most tedious shortcut either side of the Mississippi.

Johnny is pretty great. I loved it when he’s like “Chelsea is my real… whatever.” as she’s lurking like a crazy person nearby. Her face cracked hard.

Wasn’t it, like, empowering to watch two savvy businesswomen exchange professional banalities with all the savoir faire of actors in a middle school play? Actually, I take that back and apologize to theatre kids everywhere. I’ve never seen any of my niecephews deliver a scripted line like they were dead inside. I just really appreciate certain Newmans acting all “how dare Tucker possibly even think about engaging in the same shady business practices we do, want to see the same grandchild who has undoubtedly been repeatedly exposed to Victor, or talk to a grown ass woman without his attempted murderer’s approval.” Oh yeah, Abby, remember my advice not to talk shit to the intended victim of your vehicular rage? Don’t talk shit to your husband’s pretty face either. Tucker might possibly be a horribly malicious asshole, but I know for a fact that your biological father is. Shut up. Give her a chunk of Phyllis’s airtime too. Hell, give the Bentley some of it.

What’s the deal with Noah? Is he cosplaying Bruce Wayne? The hell is that mumbly, gravelly monotone he’s got going on? Watch out, Genoa City criminals! Batmeh is serving up justice. He can be summoned by projecting a giant Zzzzz against the night sky. Hopefully, Noah has time on the side to rain vengeance on whoever downsized his head so that it’s disproportionate to his jacked up body. Abby, let me give you a piece of advice that I’ve offered to Phyllis numerous times - don’t be an asshole to people you’ve tried to run down. They’re quite aware of your dislike already. Why does the show persist with Sally and the chairman of the board shorts? Not only is Nick abusing his power with the same enthusiasm as he abuses his pants plantain, he seems to be enjoying sticking it to his brother with the same enthusi- well, you get my drift. Nick Newman: the toxic nice guy. Chelsea got another dose of truth. Good luck unfucking up everything, twit!

Victor provides a fleet of classic cars for his family to use, so I don’t know what Nikki’s damage is. For example, this little beauty used to help Victor pick up chicks when he was a teenager and saves the Newmans serious cabbage on fuel.

Kyle, man, don’t lie to us. It’s never boring when you and Summer are together? I was bored AF during your parade of platitudes aka “vow renewal.” Yeah, yeah, you and Summer have been through so much together, what with her extorting a marriage out of you in exchange for a sliver of liver or that time you thought you were siblings. Harrison is an absolutely pointless child whose existence provides nothing to any storyline or character, but I’m pretty sure I saw him rolling his eyes at his chucklefuck parents and I really felt him, you know? Kid’s got good instincts. Is the show just going to gloss over how Johnny was conceived, via a paycheck from Grampire and a roofie from Chelsea? It’s actually gross that Billy, even in the apple-cheeked, nasally enhanced Buttbiscuit form, has anything to do with her. Connor is another kid with good instincts and surprisingly insightful psychological observations. Instead of screaming, Chelsea, why not just shut the fuck up for a while? Especially around children. Has Nikki always been such a five star asshole? I’ve always rated her assholery three and a half, maybe four stars. Something about her smug preening with Jack really took it to the next level.

No lie detected, tho.

Ashley has no standards. She’s repeatedly hit the coffin liner with the mumbling undead. Tucker certainly isn’t all that, but he’s a huge step up from Victor. I know the show sees Nick as some kind of romantic lead and probably saw that Sally was somewhat popular, and, well, here we are. Sally has been demeaned by this storyline, Nick seems skeevier than normal, and a hot pairing (Adam & Sally) has been replaced by a really gross, extremely inappropriate workplace “romance” with a glaring power imbalance. If they need a relationship-oriented story for Nick, may I suggest that he discover the irresistible charms of his hand? It could segue into an addiction storyline, with Nick literally unable to let go when his fingers cramp from overuse.

Bella is actually a little chipmunk.

I actually did sincerely appreciate the way the show has handled the Johnny situation over the years. Chelsea kept her distance and all three adults were remarkably mature about the whole thing. It was refreshing to see a soap not lean into the whole “biology means everything” bullshit. Of course, JG had to roll back in and piss all over that bit of goodwill. Chelz is acting like a spoiled toddler who has spotted a shiny new toy and wants to play with it right. fucking. now. Is she bored by Connor now that Rey is dead and she can’t use the kid as bait? Last week, I had to admit that Nick was making sense while advising Victoria, and now I’m nodding along with Buttbiscuit as he tells Chelsea to back the hell up while giving her the “you’re nuts” side eye. By the way, Vic, I would NOT let Johnny play video games with Nick. We all know where the controllers have been. Speaking of Donkey Kong Jr., was Sally actually smiling at the thought of having dinner with him? Girl, no. You’re going to get served bananas a hundred different ways, none of them appetizing. Banana loaf, mashed bananas, bananas grilled, deep fried, pickled, roasted… when he invites you to Nick’s Banana Hammock for dessert, run for the hills. The health department should have closed that place down years ago. Victoria’s reaction to Nate’s phone call was odd. Maybe she was overwhelmed by how easy it all seems.

Sometimes I forget that JG was inexplicably brought back to re-ruin the show. I’ll just assume he’s on a decades long psychotic break with sequelae including Newman fixation and forcing family members to all work at the same company no matter their previously established careers. Did Nikki ever actually see the inside of a jail cell for Diane’s not-murder? I honestly cannot recall. She needs to quit acting like Deacon is some satan worshipping, cannibalistic serial killer and she’s a noble hero, braving the dangers of… asking him stuff. Like, calm the fuck down. Yes, he’s a dirtbag, but Nikki is married to one and gave birth to one, so this should be old hat to her.

Was Nikki describing Deacon or Victor? Lack of self-awareness is a key Newman trait. I can’t wait to find out that Diane’s been accumulating parking tickets and not paying them and watching Phyllis flap her boney maroney arms in triumph. I mean, that’s how this storyline will end, right? Much like the gripping saga of Ashland, the war against Diane will end not with a bang, but a big, wet fart. Speaking of flatulence, Victoria is clearly high on her own supply. You needed to be advised by a live action Mr. Potato Head that you’re making bad decisions. What the hell. Don’t make me nod along while Nick is talking and say to myself “you know, that guy has a point.” Is Nate experiencing a psychotic break?

Hey, Kyle forgot the part of his and Summer’s story that was like Flowers in the Attic. Is there an unwritten rule that someone has to blow sunshine up a Newman’s ass every episode? It’s nice, though, that some things never change - Nick’s underwear, Nick’s jock itch and Nick banging anything that moves, ethics be damned. Watching him pretend to be a serious businessman is the height of comedy, especially when he tries adding up figures without taking off his shoes and socks. Stick with the guy who doesn’t look constipated trying to differentiate between his ass and his elbow, Sally.

I still remember the day Billy Miller’s Billy socked Cane right in the chops. I believe it was right after the faux Philip grift was discovered. I guess Cane’s leaving the way he came in, smarmily sponging off the Chancellor family

Maybe Thomas fell into a vat of brown acid and returns trippin’ balls. I’d watch that.

Actual photo of Theo’s father: