A Million Little Quotes

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Eddie: In exactly five hours and twelve minutes, Katherine is going to come home. She's going to want to get Indian takeout food again. My people are from Milwaukee. We weren't bred to eat that much vindaloo.

Eddie: How do we know [Jon] didn't just fall?
Gary: Because he's not four.

Maggie: Obviously my boobs are fake.
Gary: Obviously I'm okay with that.

Jon: Friendship is when you don't care when your buddy throws up in your car when you're taking him back from chemo.
Gary: And yet he keeps bringing it up.

Eddie: People always assumed Jon, Gary, Rome, and I went to college together. Jon was always quick to say, "You think these douchebags could get into Harvard?"

Priest: Now Jon's daughter Sophie would like to play a song for her father.
Gary: If she plays something by Bruno Mars, I will burn this place down.

Rome: Just confirming - you brought a date to our friend's funeral.

Eddie: And where'd you meet this one?
Rome: Ten bucks says it's his breast cancer support group - and if I'm right, you're gross.
Gary: And you're ten bucks richer.

Gary: Okie doke. Apparently Maggie moonlights as an armchair psychologist.
Maggie: That's true. But during the day, I'm a clinical psychologist at Boston General specializing in depression.
Regina: Tell me you knew the occupation of your funeral plus one.
Maggie: No, he did not.
Gary: No, I did not.

Regina: Gary is an amazing friend. Underneath that hot mess is-
Maggie: A lukewarm mess?

Gary: First of all, God didn't cure my cancer. Science did. Secondly, it's not that I don't have cancer, Ed. It's that I don't have cancer right now. The all clear screening I got this week just gives me permission to hold my breath for another three months.

Rome: For the record, Gary, your eyes are hazel and they're magnificent.

Edited April 1, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Gary: What happened in here? Are you moving?
Maggie: I just moved.
Gary: Like switching apartments?
Maggie: Yeah. To one that's not in Chicago. 
Gary: Chicago? I don't know anything about you.
Maggie: I know. Isn't it great?
Gary: So when are you going to unpack?
Maggie: As soon as you take your shirt off during sex. 
Gary: That's fair.

Theo: Dad, quick question.
Eddie: Yeah, what is it, bud? 
Theo: Why are there wars?

Gary: This impromptu gathering just got a whole lot better. These are for you.
Rome: Really? Paper towels?
Gary: What? Am I going to show up empty-handed? I found these in my car. It was either this or four loose french fries. Bagels? Come on, man. Anybody can bring bagels. These are perforated, okay? That means you can tear off smaller sheets.
Maggie: Are you really explaining how paper towels work to an adult?
Gary: Maybe. Yes, I am.

Gary: Gina doesn't know?
Rome: I haven't told her yet. You didn't tell Maggie, did you?
Gary: Of course not.
Rome: Well, you obviously haven't asked anything about her life so I figured you had to fill the conversation somehow.
Gary: Stop covering with jokes.
Rome: That's literally all you ever do. Look, dude, I know that I told you that stuff, but you cannot treat me-
Gary: Like what? Hmm? Like someone who told us last night over a hot dog that you tried to kill yourself?

Rome: I've got to do the re-shoots for that commercial this afternoon but you already know that.
Maggie: Oh, you're a commercial director?
Gary: Whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on. You're saying it's possible for one person to not know another person's occupation?
Gina: The difference is you've had sex with [Maggie].
Gary: That I do know.

Gary: How's school?
Danny: I don't love it,. I don't hate it. How's the insurance business?
Gary: Oh, I do hate it. But it's a paycheck and it allows me to drive a fun car that grownups can barely fit in.

Gary: All right, huddle up. You heard that, which means we've got to do something for Soph.
Rome: We've got to do what men do. We've got to deflect. 
Eddie: Absolutely.
Rome: What can we do to distract her? Could we karaoke?
Gary: I get it. I bought you one crappy Christmas gift.
Rome: The point is that we have to be there for her in the same way Jon would be had it been one of us.
Gary: Between the three of us, we should be able to cover, what, half the stuff that Jon used to do? So if we take my brains, your good looks, my sense of humor, that's a pretty killer combination.

Gary: Can I interest you in a cream cheese ball?
Maggie: I'm lactose intolerant.

Gary: Okay, last time. You can choose your own size, so if you have a minor spill -
Rome: You can tear off a tiny sheet.

Rome: Look, Gary, let's just say what we already know. I'm the one that everyone goes to for anything involving dancing. 
Gary: Do we all know that? 
Rome: Everyone but you.
Sophie: I want to do the recital with [Eddie].
Gary: I'm sorry, Pharrell. She picked her guitar teacher.
Rome: Yeah, well, you know what? Won't be as good as me, but definitely won't be as bad as you.
Gary: What he lacks in height, he makes up for with disproportionately long arms.

Gary: Danny, you know that I am the cool uncle, right?
Danny: Does that mean you're going to try to make me drink beer with you again?
Gary: No. Maybe. What I mean is, I've known you your whole life, right? I've never changed your diaper or anything cause that's gross.

Maggie: What was that about? 
Gary: Guy stuff. 
Maggie: Oh, yeah? Talking about Corvettes and testicles? 
Gary: Yeah, pretty much.

Gary: I will see you at the recital.
Delilah: You guys don't need to come.
Gary: That's what makes it such a sweet gesture.

Gary: [Maggie has] hugged [Delilah] more in the last two days than I have in the last ten years.
Delilah: Well, that's because you finally brought over a woman we like.
Gary: You didn't like Joyce?
Delilah: No, I didn't like Joyce. Or the fact that she stole my egg timer.
Gary: That - You can't - I don't think that happened.

Rome: New plan. Give me the biggest smile you got. Don't worry about basing it in reality at all.
Athlete: Totally get it. No problem.
Rome: Can you believe we have to do this crap?
Athlete: I'm getting paid a month's rent to stand here and drink soda.

Maggie: Thanks for the ride. Five stars.
Gary: And you get 4. 2 stars. Your small talk game needs work.
Maggie: You want to come inside?
Gary: Five stars! Full disclosure, I've eaten four bagels.
Maggie: Oh, um, could I take a rain check?
Gary: You will not fat shame me, woman.

Maggie: I need you to know I did not leave you. I left old me.

Rome: Maggie! Omigawd, it's so crazy running into you here.
Maggie: Yeah, especially when you're holding a smoothie with my name on it.
Rome: What do you think I did? What, you think I just took the business card that you gave me, drove over here, and waited outside, holding a Mango My Tango with your name on it?
Maggie: What is going on?
Rome: Don't think, just drink. Here you go. Remember the movie that I said I was researching that had the therapist in it? I would really love to pick your brain.
Maggie: Yeah, I'm happy to, just not now. I have an article that I'm writing, and it was due, like, yesterday.
Rome: Okay, I'm not here about my movie. I'm here about me. You know, typical childhood, sometimes hugged too much, sometimes not enough. Got lost in a Home Depot once. Honestly, I don't remember it, and my dad just wheels the story out on Thanksgiving to embarrass me.
Maggie: Okay. A few things. One, you said mango, but I'm tasting blueberry? I'm not complaining, I'm just pointing it out.

Eddie: I shouldn't do this [father-daughter dance]. It doesn't feel right. I'm not [Sophie's] father.
Gary: None of us are her father, man. I don't know if you've heard - he is dead. 
Rome: Come on. 
Eddie: You don't understand. It can't be me.
Gary: Well, I would do it-
Rome: Except you're a horrible dancer. We know. Everyone knows.

Gary: Sophie's totally gonna beat these guys.
Danny: It's not a competition.
Gary: Really?

Edited April 1, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Eddie: Look at you doing the walk of shame.
Gary: Shame? No, I just had morning sex. This is a victory lap.

Rome: I brought love and a cookie.
Eddie: One cookie for the three of us?

Rome: What part of the chicken does the chicken tender come from?

Rome: Guys, according to this, chicken tenders are made from the breast. It's the nuggets you gotta worry about. Three words for you: mechanically separated meat. You ain't feeding that to Theo, are you?

Eddie: I forgot my phone. I'll be back in a jif.
Rome: Jif? Where does the word jif come from?
Gary: No, I'm not doing a whole day of this.

Rome: Don't act out of anger.
Gary: That is exactly what my plan is and I encourage you to get on board.
Rome: Why aren't you mad at Delilah?
Gary: Because she's not here!

Rome: We're going to get in this car and we're going to have a great day.
Gary: How can you say that? How are we going to have a great day? Are we going to go to the Garden and pretend like nothing happened?
Rome: Yeah. That's what I do, Gary. That's how I get through every day.

Rome: Personalized jerseys! It's like Christmas, man!
Gary: Yeah, if just before you opened your presents you found out Santa had sex with your mother.

Edited October 11, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Gary: I just broke your nose in nine places. You may stop but you will never smell the roses.
Danny: I broke your tibia. It's ankle socks from here on out.
Gary: I just shattered your stevia.
Danny: Isn't that an artificial sweetener?
Gary: What do you know? You're 12.

Gary: Kid, I'm going to need you to grab me a chocolate milk from the garage fridge. Get yourself one as well, but let's be clear - if there's only one left, it's mine.

Gary: You've got to stop avoiding Regina. It's been a week. I get it. Your adult playdates with Eddie? Upsetting. But she's your best friend and you've got to talk to her.
Delilah: I did. I sent her a bunch of texts. She didn't reply.
Gary: If Eddie and I can come together and talk like the evolved humans that we are, then you two definitely can.
Delilah: You and Eddie got into a hockey fight ten feet away from Bobby Orr and you haven't spoken since.
Gary: Okay, but I fist bumped Mr. Orr. Actually, I bumped his high five and then he shook my fist and that was awkward.

Gary: I have a backstage pass to a Russian chick!
Jon: Not a euphemism.

Rebecca: Ooh, I wouldn't [eat that cookie] if I were you. Gluten wreaks havoc on the adrenals.
Maggie: Good to know.
[Maggie takes a huge bite]

Theo: Cats don't blink like people do.
Katherine: Good to know.
Theo: So if you get into a staring contest with a cat, you're gonna lose.

Maggie: "It's not that I don't want to live. It's that I don't want to live like this."
 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Maggie: Your Larry Bird Celtics soap dispenser is officially a cry for help. Please call my office and I will make you a referral.
Gary: I'll have you know I painted that soap dispenser all by myself when I took Theo to Paint the Rainbow.
Maggie: Wow.
Gary: It's a masterpiece. Do you know what Theo painted? An ashtray. Nobody smokes. Everyone washes their hands.

Katherine: Facetime was probably invented by a woman who also didn't get to raise the baby she had.

Delilah: I was never a difficult teenager. I was a delight. My parents were the crazy ones.
Regina: I was the worst.
Delilah: Did you ever make your mother cry?
Regina: I made my father cry. I once backed his car into his other car.

Eddie: Guys, I messed up. Snow White starts in under three hours and I need to delay it until Katherine gets there. Any ideas how? What do you got?
Rome: You can just pull the fire alarm.
Eddie: That's on me. I should have been more specific. No felonies.
Gary: Well, there goes my idea.

Eddie: I got lemon juice in my fret finger.
Gary: Fret finger? No, that's not a thing.

Eddie: I don't know if you guys are aware but we're not in a great place right now.
Gary: Was that before or after you slept with other members of our friend group?
Eddie: Yeah, I know, but Katherine has done nothing but support me and I want to support her.
Gary: And you think getting her to a second grade play is going to make up for years of alcoholism and infidelity? You might want to check your math on that.

Therapist: Is there a history of depression in your family?
Rome: There's a history of we don't talk about that in my family.

Gary: You're going to live to be 100. You'll be cruising the applesauce aisle in a velour tracksuit meant for a baby.

Katherine: I spent so much time trying to figure out why you've done the things you've done. I realized what I need to figure out is why don't I feel like I deserve more?

Gary: My couch is your couch.
Eddie: Maggie's going to love that.
Rome: Oh yeah, women love dating adult men with a roommate.

Eddie: How are you so nonchalantly touching the part of the stick that Regina urinated on?
Gary: Come on! Why would she do that?
Eddie: Well, don't smell it! How does a man who's had as much promiscuous sex as you not know how a pregnancy test works?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rome: I still can't believe you didn't ask Delilah who the father was. Montel Williams made an entire career off of that question. How could you not ask?

Rome: Can we just go over what everyone knows? So Eddie and Gary think you're pregnant.
Regina: Ugh! Thank you, big man.
Rome: And Delilah - what does Delilah know?
Regina: Delilah knows she's pregnant!

Gary: A little heads up - this one is super competitive.
Maggie: Heads up - this one is going down.
Eddie: Heads up - this was what the entire car ride over was like.

Gary: I, Tonya does not have a car. John Mayer is my new roommate. How great is my life?

Gary: Storm is not a name. It's a weather alert.

Rome: Gina's not pregnant!
Eddie: Then whose pee did Gary touch?

Gary: Why don't I go with you to sound check? It'll be just like the old days, except I won't have to Bodyguard you through the exit after the encore.
Eddie: That was one time and I'm sober now.
Gary: Oh yeah? Well, I will always love you.

Eddie: What is this? Almond milk? What happened to your whole "it's only milk if it comes from a cow" stance?

Gary: You know what this means? Shower sex is back on the table.
Maggie: Why is this such a thing for you? It's not as great as you think.

Eddie: The Theo bible. Who's taking food?
Gary: I am. I eat food. Food is easy. I got food.
Eddie: Great. It's pretty simple. Minimal gluten, no sugar, we try to keep him off GMOs.
Gary: Change of plans. [Maggie's] on food.
Eddie: Next up - hygiene.
Gary: Change of plans. I'm back on food.
Maggie: Nope, tiny balls - that's your department.
Gary: Uh, how involved are we with shower time?
Eddie: You turn it on, you turn it off. Anything in between you are not involved with.
Gary: I'm back on hygiene.
Eddie: Next up - okay, he doesn't get them every night, but night terrors.
Gary: Night terrors? That's really a thing?
Maggie: Yeah, basically nightmares.
Eddie: Only much MUCH worse. It's like a seven year old kid's version of sleepwalking but with screaming. He's going to be looking at you. He'll be talking, but he's not talking to you.
Maggie: Because of all the screaming.
Gary: So don't let him go to sleep. Got it.

Shelly: LEDs? Everyone will look blue.

Theo: The rule is if I'm in the sun, I have to either be in my hat or wearing SPF 50.
Maggie: Some rules are made to be broken.
Theo: No, they're not. Then they wouldn't be rules.
Maggie: Touché, kid.

Gary: As frustrating as it is for me to say this with any sincerity, you did open for Kings of Leon.

Roma: Gina, you don't understand.
Gina: No, I don't understand! How can I possibly understand this?
Rome: That's what I'm trying to tel you, Gina. I don't understand it either. I know I have a great life but sometimes, for some reason, I feel so sad and I think what if this is the happiest I'm ever going to be?

Edited April 1, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[TheLastKidPicked]

On 10/18/2018 at 4:46 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Gary: Kid, I'm going to need you to grab me a chocolate milk from the garage fridge. Get yourself one as well, but let's be clear - if there's only one left, it's mine.

The Gary and Danny scenes are great!  And that line in particular did a nice job of showing their relationship:

Danny knows that Gary is asking him to get chocolate milk out of the garage fridge because Gary wants him out of the room so "the adults can talk".

But Gary knows that Danny knows.  And Danny knows that Gary knows that Danny knows.  So it's okay.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Maggie: Who still has a clock radio anymore?
Gary: I do. I've had it since the seventh grade.

Maggie: Anti-freeze doesn't even freeze. It's in the name.

Maggie: She's like a depressing fortune cookie.

Gary: Call her! Make her blood run cold like anti-freeze.

Eddie: [Danny] doesn't want you to do another one of those elaborate lemonade stands, does he? The bamboo straws alone made it impossible to turn a profit.

Katherine: I believe in you.
Carter: I wish you were my father.

Hunter: Hey, I don't want to alarm you, but Carter said sitting is the new smoking.
Katherine: Carter's back to his old desk by Wednesday. You want the over or the under?
Hunter: Ooh, tough call. How long did he keep the core ball?
Katherine: Four business days. But it took him two to inflate it.

Rome: I can't believe [Gina]'s making me [drink charcoal].
Gary: Really? I can. You tried to kill yourself, dude. Maybe if you'd told her that before she found your note, she'd be more inclined to believe you when you say things and not in the waiting room scared out of her mind so BOTTOMS UP. Rome, I swear I will pin you down like I pinned  Colin down to give him his doggie arthritis medicine.
Rome: I hate the both of you. I really do. I hate you both.
Eddie: Just imagine it's chocolate milk.
Rome: You pretend it's chocolate milk!
Gary: You pretend you're not a big bald baby, how about that?

Maggie: What are you so afraid of?
Gary: Perhaps you've forgotten. I'm only scared of heights and public bathrooms.

Danny: Can you tell I'm nervous?
Gary: No, it's perfectly normal to change your shirt fifteen times before going to play video games.

Danny: Collar up or down?
Gary: Up. It's very Risky Business.

[Gothish520]

LOL, collar up was douchey even then. Collar down, Danny. Sorry Gar!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Eddie: [This apartment]'s within walking distance from Theo's school.
Gary: It's also within walking distance from the job you don't have.
Eddie: He's kidding. I teach guitar. But never here.
Realtor: I really don't care.

Eddie: Hey, get off your phone.
Gary: Dude, I'm blowing up over here. I don't know what to tell you, man. I'm back on the market and the ladies love to shop. Hello, Natasha. That's a lovely romper. I do want to talk about Eva. If she could only have three things on a desert island, they would be vodka, vermouth, and a shaker.
Eddie: This woman is telling you she has a drinking problem.
Gary: Oh. She also has three kids. Maybe she's married. I'll earmark her for you.

Gary: As soon as you move out, commando Gary moves back in. What's  the point of having a suede couch if I can't feel it?

Delilah: Gina, it smells so good. If I throw up, just remember it's because I have all day morning sickness.
Gina: If I throw up, it's because I'm in a very vulnerable place.
Rome: Limiting the vomit talk. That might help.

Gina: Katherine texted me a maybe.
Delilah: Given everything that's happened, that sounds like a very polite "not in a million years."

Delilah: What about Maggie? Have you heard from Maggie?
Gina: I called but she hasn't called me back.
Delilah: Maybe she thinks she can't be friends with us cause she and Gary broke up.
Rome: Doesn't she know that compassionate doctor trumps man child every time?
Ashley: What happened with their breakup anyway?
Rome: Gary happened.

Gary: How are you not taking this apartment?
Eddie: I'm just not sure. The previous tenants had cats. I'm going to have to check with Theo's allergist.
Gary: You're going to check with an allergist about an apartment. Does that seem like a thing that normal people do? Theo's spent plenty of nights here with Colin and he's always been fine.
Eddie: Colin's not a cat. Colin's a dog.
Gary: What's the one that lays eggs?

Eddie: Gary, get off those dating apps and call Maggie. Do not screw this one up like you normally do.
Gary: Trust me, you don't know the whole story.
Eddie: Oh, and yet I do. Gary meets girl, Gary hooks up, Gary gets bored. Man, I have seen porn flicks with more plot twists than your love life.
Gary: You're watching porn for the plot?
Eddie: Look, the point is you find problems with these women but maybe the problem is with you.
Gary: Says the drunk adulterer living on his best friend's futon.

Katherine: We need to look over findings of the environmental impact report and finalize our list of potential expert witnesses.
Hunter: Or we could sneak across the street to the food court and stuff our faces with cheese fries.
Katherine: It's hard to bill for cheese fries. I mean, I've done it.
Hunter: Have you?
Katherine: No, I never leave this building.

Gary: You haven't answered my calls or my texts. But who's counting? I am! I'm counting. I know I'm on record as saying that emojis are stupid but I'd be willing to accept a flesh toned thumbs up from you right about now.

Rome: I got your salad with extra dressing because I now know that lettuce without dressing is just a garnish. I am learning so much at these sessions.

Eddie: That George is very curious.
Theo: I don't think so, because if he were he wouldn't call his friend the man in the yellow hat. He'd say, "Hey, what's your name? Just curious."

Eddie: Regina, I am crazy for this caprese. And this truffle mac - totally wack.
Gina: It amazes me that you convinced two women to sleep with you.

Rome: Delicious, delicious! That man is delicious.
Eddie: That is not funny.
Rome: He's like a chocolate George Clooney with a caramel Gosling center.
Eddie: [Hunter]'s just some guy who works at [Katherine's] firm.
Rome: Yes, everything about him does seem firm.

Eddie: I am so sorry. I said a bunch of things I shouldn't have and they were probably stupid and you're right. I probably didn't know the whole story.
Gary: Let's be honest. Even if you had known the whole story, you still would have said stupid things, Ed. That's kind of your default.

Ashley: You look like you could use a drink.
Gary: No, I'm already sweating and screaming at people. Probably not a good idea.

Ashley: I know you don't like birthdays.
Gary: No, I don't like my birthday. I'm on fairly good terms with other people's.

Hunter: Apology and compliment accepted. Trust me, I know that divorce can be complicated. If you want to make your ex jealous, that doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you a human person.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Gary: I'm trying to figure out why you have a curling iron and a flat iron. Isn't that counterproductive?

Ashley: Oh, you're leaving? I was going to make us a frittata and I thought we could just lie in bed and cuddle while it was baking.
Gary: ....Oh. Uh...
Ashley: I'm messing with you, dude. Get your pale ass out of here.
Gary: My ass isn't that pale.

Gina: I'm standing there getting into this huge fight about who Abe Froman is and if he is, in fact, the sausage king of Chicago.
Rome: Wait, I'm confused. In the dream, were you Ferris or were you Sloan?
Gina: I think I'm the maître d'.

Maggie: Why are you up here? I thought I was meeting you outside in your car.
Delilah: Because I'm a pregnant woman who doesn't want to pee in her car.
Maggie: I don't want you to pee in my kitchen! The bathroom's through there.

Delilah: Are we dealing with what you just said or deflecting?
Maggie: Deflecting.
Delilah: Deflecting it is.

Eddie: Is this the jacket you bought at Heathrow? Did you want to meet me in person just to make me jealous? Be honest.
Keith: The only reason I had to invest in airport clothing is because your drunk ass left our suitcases in a cab.
Eddie: Sounds like me.

Katherine: Really, T? Waffles and ketchup?
Theo: The ketchup brings out the taste of the blueberries.
[Theo holds out a fork for her to taste]
Katherine: Mmmm. Pretty good.
Theo: Right? It just needs pickles.
Katherine: That's what I was thinking.

Gary: Remember our buddy Jon had a really hot assistant that I would occasionally think about having sexual intercourse with?
Eddie: You had sex with Ashley?
Gary: Is that bad?
Rome: Jon did say she was off limits.
Gary: He also said life is short and to be happy. These are a lot of conflicting messages.
Eddie: Yeah, but Jon's assistant?
Gary: You had sex with his wife.
Rome: You did have sex with his wife.

Rome: Maggie's not just your ex. She's our friend.
Gary: That's right. You guys have known Maggie for, what? Ten minutes? And now you're all best friends.

Rome: Gina got us Dave Matthews tickets. I don't get it either. It's like waiting three hours to hear Ants Marching.

Gary: Ten years and we've missed one game and that was because [Eddie] had a baby. I still haven't totally forgiven Theo for that.

Maggie: What are you talking about? Hall and Oates is clearly the best duo of all time.
Delilah: Says anyone who's never listened to Simon and Garfunkel. Bridge Over Troubled Water, Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover.
Maggie: Both of which were written by Simon, not Garfunkel so you lose.
Gas Station Guy: Sound of Silence, Old Friends. I think even Oates would admit that Simon and Garfunkel are better. Sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I'm just a huge Simon and Garfunkel fan.
Delilah: Really? If you had to pick just one song, what would it be?
GSG: Maneater. No question about it.

Rome's dad: I'm not here to fix the sink. I'm here to help YOU fix the sink. Don't dawdle.

Rome's dad: What the hell is that?
Rome: You told me to get my tools.
Rome's dad: How do you not have a proper toolbox? You're a grown man and a homeowner.
Rome: And yet somehow I made it to today.
Rome's dad: Day ain't over yet.

Rome's dad: First things first. Remove the old drain assembly.
Rome: Is this the point where I tell you I don't know what the drain assembly is?

Rome's dad: Mom told me you quit the commercials. You win the lottery and not tell your father?
Rome: I'm writing. Directing commercials didn't make me happy.
Rome's dad: The job's not supposed to make you happy.

Jon: How's that for a view? It's the Cambridge side of the Charles. You can pretend you went to Harvard with me.
Gary: Oh, Kev, did you hear that? Jon went to Harvard.
Kevin: Oh really?
Gary: He'd like you to know he went to Harvard.
Jon: You're going to beat this. You are. Just watch. You're going to outlive me. You're going to be here long after I'm gone, telling people-
Gary: You went to Haaaaaaaarvard.
Jon: People need to know.

Eddie: I think the point is that we need to communicate better.
Katherine: Like how I found out from Gina that Delilah is pregnant?

Gary: You've been saying you had to go to Dave Matthews.
Rome: Let's be clear. I am never going to see Dave Matthews.

Delilah: Word on the street is you've been storming out of rooms a lot today.
Gary: What? No, I'm just trying to get my ten thousand steps in.

Jon: You beat cancer today.
Gary: Correction - we beat cancer.
Jon: Actually, I beat cancer. You just got skinny and bald.

Gary: I forgot. You were on the pillow fighting team at Harvard.

Edited April 1, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rome: Another dream? Oh, man. Regina, I cannot be held responsible for the things that I do in your dreams. 
Regina: You were kissing her. 
Rome: Who?
Regina: Anika, and you were liking it.
Rome: I was?
Regina: And she was liking it.
Rome: Of course she was. But who's Anika?
Regina: The pastry chef from my old catering company. And in my dream, you two were doing some nasty things with frosting.
Rome: Oh, well, I do like frosting.

Regina: Tonight I will be having my way with you sexually.
Rome: Looking forward to it, Anika.

Theo: I know you're Santa Claus.
Katherine: Santa Claus? Me? You think that Santa Claus is a real estate attorney?
Theo: Superman worked at the Daily Planet.

Delilah: It's a football.
Gary: And a speaker. Go long. Here comes Coldplay.

Gary: How are you and your pregnancy brain?? Or did you forget that you're pregnant?

Ashley: Do not BS me about FTC rules when I know you break those all the time, Donny.

Eddie: I may be compensating for having to work during Christmas.
Katherine: I invented that move. Thanks to my work guilt, our son owns approximately six million pieces of LEGO.
Eddie: I think I stepped on half of them.

Maggie: I'm not telling anybody that I'm doing this until after I get my first scan back. Just don't want to get anybody's hopes up.
Kev: But this is all about hope. Half of beating this is believing that you're going to beat it. And half is having a support system.
Maggie: Is any part of it chemo?

Danny: Okay, people. We're going to get the biggest tree here.
Gary: How about we'd get the biggest tree that my lower back can carry? You know what? You've got high ceilings and mom's credit card. Go for it. Let's do this.
Rome: Whoa, that was quite the mood swing. I thought that I was the one on anti-depressants.
Gary: Wait, we can do bits about your drugs? I'll circle back in 10 minutes. 
Delilah: Hey, stay together, okay? And no touching the chainsaw.

Sophie: Why are you guys making such a big deal about it?
Rome: Uh, it's nothing. I just, you know, I broke my ankle slipping on ice one time. 
Gary: Me, too. 
Eddie: So did I.
Rome: Long story short, trying to get autographs at the Ice Capades, let the performers come to you.

Delilah: If I go in there, [Sophie]'s just going to say she doesn't want to talk about it.
Eddie: Maybe I go? I live for rejection.

Sophie: I know what you're doing.
Eddie: Hmm? Oh, adding spicy mustard? Do not tell anyone. This is my secret ingredient.
Sophie: Okay, spicy mustard. You're trying to tell me that it's okay to feel the way I do and that it's normal, but I do not want to talk about it.
Eddie: Great, cause we're here to talk about me and what I'm feeling.

Ashley: I know it's hard to fake it but, like you said, the only thing that matters right now is making sure this family has a great Christmas. Suck it up.
Gary: You're right. There's a 12-year-old boy out there who's stronger than me.
Ashley: And he's just waiting for you to go make a joke about him sitting on the potty.
Gary: I've got to get out there, and I've got to poke fun at an innocent child.

Delilah: Why decorate my tree alone when I could have my friends do it for me, right?
Maggie: You're a very smart woman.

Delilah: Maggie, you know what? We ran out of lights. Could you maybe run back out and pick up a box at the at the Christmas tree lot?
Maggie: Uh, two things. I don't have a car and I don't know where that is.

Danny: Hey, Gar, kiss her. You're under the mistletoe. You've got to kiss. I don't make the rules. I just enforce them.
Gary: What you call mistletoe is, in fact, a parasite whose seeds are spread through bird feces, so you'll understand if I'm not inclined to pucker up.
Maggie: And I decline the kiss for a host of other reasons.

Danny: Hey, hold up. We need umbrellas and bendy straws.
Regina: Yes, we do.
Sophie: Yeah. I'll get them.
Rome: You know what? Honestly, I don't think I could even do a margarita without an umbrella.
Sophie: It just makes sense.

Sophie: Hey, didn't mom and Eddie go to get sparkling apple juice?
Rome: Yeah, got to have the sparkling apple juice. 'Tis the reason for the season.
Sophie: Yeah, but there's, like, four bottles here.
Rome: No. No, no, not, no, sparkling apple cider, you know, not the juice. The juice is disgusting. Don't drink the juice.

Gary: You're absolutely sure that D wants just white lights?
Maggie: Uh, the lights that match the rest of the tree? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what she wants.

Gary: Okay, that man is older than Christmas and he just pulled out his checkbook.

Gary: Are you seeing this?
Maggie: I see what your eyes see and I also cannot believe it.
Gary: Uh, excuse us. Sorry, hi. All we have is this one sad little box of Christmas lights, so would you mind if we jumped over you there?
Woman: I would, actually. Sorry. We're in a bit of a rush.
Gary: Wow. Because we probably wouldn't have picked this line if we had known that all of aisle three was gonna cut in front of us.
Maggie: Hey, you know what? Maybe they're opening their own Christmas tree lot. Like a satellite office.
Gary: Like they're franchising.
Woman: For your information, this is my husband.
Gary: Oh. Well, I'm happy for you that you found each other.
Maggie: Aww, what you have seems so special. What you are doing is total crap.
Woman: Excuse me?
Gary: Well, it's just that, on earth, the planet that we're on, there's, like, a way to do things.
Maggie: Yes, on this planet, we have what we call a a social contract.
Woman: Not that it's any of your business, but I'm actually feeling a little under the weather, so I'd like to get home. 
Gary: Aww. Got a little sniffle?
Maggie: Oh my gosh, that's terrible. It must be going around.
Gary: Yeah, you know what's not going around? Breast cancer. And yet we both have it. Very rare in men, but I got it.
Maggie: But it's more common in women. 
Gary: It is. Right.
Maggie: Still kind of weird cause I got it twice.
Gary And yet you don't see us cutting in line with a pallet of Christmas.
Maggie: No, you don't. 
Man: Go ahead. 
Gary: Aww. 
Woman: Bryce, what are you doing? 
Man: I'm so sorry. 
Maggie: Thank you. 
Man: So sorry.
Gary: It's very, very sweet. Feliz Navidad.
Maggie: Very nice. What a gentleman. They're going to have problems tonight.
Gary: I think my favorite was, "I don't want to spend the year I have left standing in line behind you." Look at us bonding over cancer.

Gary: I have tons of friends. I'm stupid with friends.
Maggie: No, I'm talking about female friends.
Gary: I have female friends.
Maggie: No, I'm talking about women who are not just your friends because they are the spouses of your guy friends.

Maggie: The only thing better than new car smell is peanut brittle smell.

Eddie: Thanks for dropping me off.
Gary: This is your car, your gas. It's literally the least I could do.

Rome: Last chance. Manager, okay? I am the smart choice. Think about it.
Eddie: Yeah. We have a manger. His name is Jeffrey.
Rome: Jeffrey's got you on a bus. I'd have had you on a jet.

Maggie: I want a concert T-shirt, okay? 
Eddie: Done.
Maggie: Not one of yours. The Lumineers.

Edited April 1, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Regina: Do they have meds for the spouses of people who go off their meds?
Maggie: I don't like it any more than you do but you can't make someone go back on their meds if they don't want to.
Regina: Like you can't make someone do chemo?

Katherine: Theo, seriously, we have to leave.
Theo: I'm ready.
Katherine: You're not wearing socks or shoes. Or pants.
Theo: But I have my backpack and Legos.

Eddie: Hey, Katherine, pro tip - Uggs do not need socks or laces.
Katherine: Pro tip - tell Jared to use protection.

Carter: I'm not judging-
Katherine: Which means you're judging.
Carter: But your estranged husband's ex-mistress? That's what I gave my Saturday up for?

Theo: People think I'm reading. I'm also listening.

Maggie: You know they expect you to run the whole 5K at once, right?

Gary: I hope you like Britney Spears and Arcade Fire because rhythmically they are shockingly similar.

Eddie: Hey, how about next time one of our friends goes $18 million into debt, one of you texts me?
Gary: Are you going to write a check?

Rome: Who plans a frigging 5K in January? I saw a guy wearing a parka and shorts.

Maggie: You're quoting me to me?
Gary: I sure am.
Maggie: Well, at least you were listening.

Gary: I used to dance under the name Hot Nuts.
Maggie: Did you make a lot of money?
Gary: Not as much as I did when I danced under the name Spicy Nuts.

Edited April 1, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Regina: You're living the dream, and I'm off to feed the elite of Boston big pharma. What is it about sales reps? They can't get enough clam chowder in a shot glass?

Rome: Phone charger, really? Dude, I thought you liked this girl.
Gary: It's not about the phone charger. It's about what the phone charger represents.
Rome: A charged battery.
Jon: So it's Stacey with the trip planned too far out-
Gary: Stacey was planning Christmas while I was still wearing shorts.
Jon: And Melanie with the couple's massage-
Gary: It says couple in the name.
Jon: And now it's Kendra with what the charger represents?
Gary: Come on. I dated Kendra for two weeks.
Jon: Your longest relationship ever.
Eddie: Hey, gentlemen. What did I miss?
Gary: Well, apparently, I'm on trial for making a perfectly rational dating decision.

Jon: I didn't stay by your side and Rutledge you through chemo so you could piss your life away.
Gary: Wow. I didn't realize that when you sat with me in the chemo bay, it was an IOU. You've been keeping a mental scorecard this whole time that I'm unaware of?

Theo: I've got to get my T-Rex. I promised grandma I'd show it to her tonight. Without it, my diorama's just a box. Can we go to the museum next week? There's an exhibit on the Cretaceous period.
Eddie: Absolutely. Let's go Wednesday. You get out early. 
Theo: But I want mom to go. She thinks the dinosaurs went extinct from a plague, but I think it was a comet. I just want to see who's right.

Edited April 1, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Eddie: Where are the guys?
Gus: Well, Marty called their rooms. I'm guessing they overslept again. 
Eddie: That's interesting. The guys who were still up three hours ago overslept.

Maggie: No more text messages, no more sugary milk. And no falsetto singing all the lady parts from Hamilton.

Eddie: Okay, guys, listen up. Tonight, my son Theo is gonna be joining us. 
Jared: What about-
Eddie: And before you say anything, Jared, I put up with Jasmine and her vaping all the way up and down New Hampshire so you can put up with Theo for one night. 
Jared: Fine. 
Eddie: Thank you. Okay, some rules. 
Jared: You've got to be-
Eddie: There will be no swearing. There will be no smoking. There will be no drugs, medicinal or otherwise. Tonight we are not the Red Ferns. Tonight, we are the Wiggles. 

Gary: The chemo has shrunk [Maggie's] tumor.
Maggie: Only by eight percent.
Gary: Only? Eight percent, you guys. When did I become the positive one in this relationship?

Maggie: Where's Gina?
Rome: She went to pick up our wedding album.
Maggie: Wedding album? Haven't you guys been married for like four years? 
Gary: And yet I feel like I've been hearing about this album for 40 years. Negative Gary's back, you guys.
Rome: Welcome back.
Gary: He wasn't gone for long.

Gary: You need to make an album about the making of your wedding album.

Gary: You know what? I'll teach you how to drive.
Rome: And then I'll teach you how to drive correctly.
Sophie: Okay, where are the keys?
Rome: Oh, you won't be driving today. The key is this manual, and it unlocks the knowledge you need to drive this car.
Gary: You ready to sub out? Listen up. A lot of people, they're going to try to teach you how to drive correctly.
Rome: Please let me be one of those people.
Gary: I'm going to teach you how people really drive. You're going to hear a lot of shouting about keeping your hands at 10:00 and 2:00. That's a load of garbage. 
Rome: It's really not.

Gina: I am at the studio with Berge. There is a problem with the album. He wants to talk to "the man." 
Rome: Oh, gawd. 
Gina: So here, Berge. Here's "the man."
Rome: Berge, did you really say that? 
Berge: Hello, Jerome. 
Rome: Berge, what did you-
Berge: How can I illuminate the situation today with this woman who is so difficult?
Rome: Berge, listen to me.
Berge: No, it is your ears that need to listen to me, Rome, because-
Rome: Berge, stop talking.
Berge: I cannot. I cannot stop talking because she bring to my creative space the pollution of the emotions. 
Rome: You're only making it worse. Berge, stop. Are you looking at the album?
Berge: I'm looking at it. It is so voluptuous.
Rome: I'm sure it is. Open to the first page. Tell me what you see.
Berge: Okay. I see Miss Gina in a very delicious dress.
Rome: No, what you see is the picture of the only person in the world that I am allowed to have sex with, so whatever Gina wants to happen is what's going to happen. If Gina says, "Give Berge an extra hundred dollars," you walk away with a Benjamin. If Gina says, "Tell Berge to shove this entire album up his-"
Berge: I don't even think this would fit up there.

Carter: Lady, you are a smoke show. You are testing the limits of my sexual orientation. If you were not my boss and a woman, I would-
Katherine: Carter!
Carter: What? You need to know your market value, because you're going on the market tonight. [Hunter]'s got muscles and tattoos.
Katherine: How do you know he has tattoos?
Carter: I just know it. I know it in my heart.

Rome: Hey, I'm just saying, if you've got to jump out mid-lesson for road rage, you might not be the best driving instructor.
Gary: Is that you talking? Or the manual?
Delilah: How was the lesson?
Sophie: Oh, well, that depends. Was I supposed to learn how to drive or how to identify the, and I quote, "po-po" from 50 feet away?

Theo: Max told me he doesn't want to be my best friend anymore.
Eddie: What? But you are super cool.
Theo: You have to say that. You're my dad.
Eddie: Well, you are not going to believe this but Jared, he said the exact same thing to me. It made me feel terrible. So how did what Max say to you make you feel?
Theo: Not great.
Eddie: Yeah. That is how I felt.
Theo: You know what, Dad? If Jared doesn't want to be your best friend, maybe I could be Jared's best friend.

Maggie: If my mom were designing this car, there would be a hand brake right here in front of the glove compartment and all she'd have to do is say, "Look out, look out!" and it would engage.
Sophie: Well, you know, if it was my mom designing this car, the doors would only unlock to let me out for college.

Katherine: How was it?
Theo: It was awesome, Mom! We should really think about living on a bus.
Katherine: Huh. Well, I'll tell you what, you make me a pros and cons list and I'll make you a snack, okay?
Theo: Okay. Something with kale. Jared got me into it.
Katherine: He's eating it, not smoking it, right?

Gina: I like to look at myself in airbrushed perfection.

Edited April 1, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Gary: All your texts were either about Theo or exaggerated crowd sizes.
Eddie: What's been going on here?
Rome: I switched to Dish only to switch back to cable.
Eddie: And how's Maggie doing?
Gary: She's bald. But she has cool sexy colored wigs.

Gary: How did you manage to go on a sexless rock and roll tour?

Rome: How's it going with your mom? Say "soup spoon" if it's really bad.
Gina: What if I said "ladle"?
Rome: I'll be right there.

Gary: What's the longest you've ever gone without having sex?
Maggie: Junior year. I thought I could pull off baby bangs. Why?
Gary: Because I'm starting to think that Eddie has not had sex since Jon died.
Maggie: That's an interesting way to mark things.

[Delilah slams her laptop shut]
Delilah and Maggie: HEY!
Gary: You know that's the universal sign for watching porn, right? What's going on in here?
Maggie: Totally porn.

Gary: Your Uber driver is here. You can call me Goober. Or Gift.

Maggie: You okay?
Rome: I'm fine. I'm just not going to get my second spin in, that's all.
Maggie: You've been spinning a lot recently.
Rome: If that bike could move, I'd be in California by now.

Eddie: Are you really a private investigator? Are you allowed to tell people that?
Joanna: I'm not in the CIA.

Anthony: Hey, I didn't see you there.
Gary: That's because I snuck up on you.

Edited February 9, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Gary: Just admit it, Linda. You want to have your way with me.
Linda: I do, Gary. Just not the way you think. My way involves a chloroform rag and a wood chipper.
Kevin: That's on me. We have Fargo going on a loop again.

Eddie: Apparently [this car seat] expired six years ago and, yes, car seats do expire according to all the angry mommy blogs.

Rome: Hey, pop, how do you like your eggs?
Walter: How many ways you know how to make them?
Rome: Scrambled it is.

Omar: Did you get taller?
Gary: I'm well into my 30s. I think this is probably it.

Omar: Can I get you something, Maggie? Sparkling water, tea? You know, I travel around with my own portable brewer.
Rome: Yet he forgot a toothbrush.

Katherine: I'm not going to leave my child with someone who split a pizza with his dog.

Gary: You outed a 12 year old.

Gary: You don't have to be perfect. You just have to be there.

Eddie: I was worried that looking like Hannibel Lecter with a paintbrush might turn you off.
Katherine: That's your first mistake because Anthony Hopkins is my jam.
Eddie: Balding middle-aged men. That is good to know.

Edited April 1, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Maggie: Wow, six breaks for ten stairs. You're my hero.
Gary: My end is heavier.
Maggie: Really? Because my end says "heavy end."

Danny: Gary, dad always bragged about-
Gary: Going to Hah-vahd.
Danny: And now you can too.
[Danny gives Gary a Harvard sweater]
Gary: All the street cred, none of the student loans. Suck on that, BC!

Rome: We gotta go test drive cars because my lease is up. Ugh, car dealerships are the worst.
Maggie: Yeah, I have to go to my doctor to find out if my cancer is gone.
Eddie: And I have to go home and tell Theo that his mom and dad are getting a divorce.
Gary: But good luck at the dealership, man. We're all pulling for you.

Maggie: Ta daaaaa! Pay no attention to the extra pieces.

Gina: I practically live at the restaurant. Who's going to take care of this kid?
Rome: Me! I can stay home and write with the baby.
Gina: You bought noise canceling headphones because you said I eat grapes too loudly.

[chitowngirl]

4 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Rome: We gotta go test drive cars because my lease is up. Ugh, car dealerships are the worst.
Maggie: Yeah, I have to go to my doctor to find out if my cancer is gone.
Eddie: And I have to go home and tell Theo that his mom and dad are getting a divorce.
Gary: But good luck at the dealership, man. We're all pulling for you.

My favorite of the night!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Gary: Last minute gift? I did teach you everything.

Theo: I know you said I can only have one cookie tonight, but you didn't say what size!

Katherine: We should add peanut butter cups [to the cookies].
Theo: I love everything you're saying right now.

Theo: Cookies AND screen time on a school night? I love you, mom.

Theo: I don't want to go in the car with Augie's mom. She's obsessed with Sheryl Crow.

Rome: What are the odds the delivery room nurse was someone that Gary dated?
Gina: I'm not good with numbers but one hundred percent.

Maggie: No one is going to want to sleep on this futon. It's uncomfortable.
Gary: Yeah, exactly. That's how you get guests that stay only one night.

Maggie: While I'm gone, if you feel the need to throw some other stuff away, how about some of your Bruins gear? You're not on the team.

Gina: Listen, Rome, remember when we said we would divide setting up the nursery equally among the four of us and then I did everything and you and the guys felt bad and said you'd get the crib? Where's the crib?

Delilah: Maybe it's time I try formula.
Lactation specialist: No! NO. You said you breastfed your other two children. Why would you deprive your daughter of what's best for her?
Maggie: Shut up!
LS: Excuse me, are you talking to me?
Maggie: Is there anyone else in the room who needs to shut up? No. Shut your face. [Delilah]'s trying. She's been trying for the last two days and that entire time, you've made her feel like she's a bad mother just cause she can't breastfeed her baby.
LS: Studies have shown-
Maggie: What part of SHUT YOUR FACE did you not understand?

Gary: It feels like we're doing the stakeout scene from Beverly Hills Cop.

Maggie: What are you looking for?
Gary: Nothing. Unrelated, have you seen Jon's red Harvard sweater?
Maggie: You lost the sweater that Delilah and the kids just gave you?
Gary: Your face is beautiful but your voice is super judgey.

Theo: If I break off small pieces and don't use my teeth-
Eddie: Yes, you still have to brush your teeth.

Edited September 27, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Maggie: Gare, um, for the next two days, can you say you don't like Indian food so that when my mom is here and we don't get Indian food, I can say it's your fault?
Gary: Stranger things have been asked.

Gary: Your mother and I got in one little argument over a parking spot that she stole. Now we get along great. She even texts me sometimes. What? Nothing inappropriate.

Maggie: Listen, I know you get along with my mom. The thing is - and I may have mentioned this before - I don't.
Gary: Maggie, what's the big deal? When she came in for your surgery, it was a very successful visit.
Maggie: Oh, because she was only here for one day and I was heavily sedated.

Patricia: The fact is your father and I want different things.
Maggie: So you're leaving him because he doesn't want to take a Zumba class with you?

Delilah: Hey, quick what's the name of the song that goes "Why are all the people out there?"
Gina: That's a song?
Delilah: Jon and I used to sing it when the kids got cranky. I feel like it's a female singer from the '80s. Or maybe it's a man, but, like, a really pretty man.
Gina: Well, that could be anyone from back then.

Gary: A lot of parents get divorced, okay? Mine are divorced. You will get through this.
Maggie: They're not getting divorced! They're just using permanent words to describe temporary feelings.

Delilah: I just feel so anxious about everything, and it's like Charlie's picking up on it.
Gina: She's a newborn. Maybe you're giving her a little too much credit?

Gary: Oh, I know. It's tough having zero responsibility. I know.
Delilah: Sorry. I'll take her.
Gary: That is my favorite part of being an uncle - the tag out. You're it.

Theo: How many worms am I allowed to bring home?
Katherine: None.
Theo: Then can I have your purse back for a sec?

Maggie: What are you doing?
Gary: What? This is my coat. I only tried on the other guy's jacket. I wasn't going to take it.

Gary: I don't know exactly how to play this. I want to be supportive. You obviously need this to be real.
Maggie: That is not supportive.
Gary: So you think your brother just spoke to you?
Maggie: Says the guy who rubbed his nasty ass Bruins cap before every test result we got this year.

Gary: I'm really sorry about earlier. I'm an ass. We've suspected it for a while, but now we know for sure.

Eric: Welcome to the support group for people who have been abused by that guy. May I recommend the Chardonnay?
Maggie: Oh, Chardonnay is for passive-aggressive. For aggressive-aggressive, I need vodka.
Eric: The vodka's on me if you go over there and grab a handful of mints without using the spoon.

PJ: You went to film school?
Rome: Little less judgment, bro. You're starting to sound like my dad.
PJ: Yeah, try telling a firefighter that you want to go to art school.

Edited October 9, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Maggie: What does a 35 year old want with my mother?
Gary: The acronym you're looking for is M-I-L-
Maggie: You'd better be spelling "milk."

Rome: Sign here and here.
Gina: What exactly am I signing?
Rome: You are legally agreeing to never singing po-po-po-po-po-pokerface at karaoke ever again.
Gina: People loved that.
Rome: Sweetie, people were clapping because it was over.

Rome: This morning, that was, uh-
Eddie: Complicated.
Rome: I would have said awkward as hell but complicated works. How's all that going?
Eddie: Oh, you know, super good considering I just had a child with another woman as I'm trying to patch things up with my wife.
Rome: [cooing to Charlie] Yes, he did. Yeah, he did. Daddy did do that.

Carter: Welcome back, stranger. Quick update - we filed an extension on the Madigan case, I lost eight pounds, the new temp is super cute but straight - for now, and did I mention I lost eight pounds?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Theo: Everybody knows wooly mammoths and dinosaurs didn't exist at the same time.
Eddie: Don't look at me. My only reference is the Flintstones.

Gary: There hasn't been a line at the donut table since I floated the theory that crullers cause cancer.

Gina: Hey, baby, I brought you some coffee.
Rome: Oh, that's sweet. Baby, you know that we have coffee and kraft services, right?
Gina: That's where I got it.

Gina: Rome's folks have been married fifty years.
Commercial guy #1: I've actually been married thirty years.
Commercial guy #2: Not in a row.

Rome: Can we change the subject?
Gary: Of course. I'm uncomfortable with any conversation where [Eddie]'s in the best relationship.

Gary: What did [Katherine] say when you asked her about it?
Eddie: I didn't. I was afraid of the answer.
Rome: You've got to talk to her about this.
Gary: Or produce a commercial about the exact situation that you're not talking about and have her visit the set.

Rome: I'm sorry if the commercial upset you.
Gina: Don't say "if" like I'm crazy for being upset.

Walter: Special delivery!
Renee: That's his way of telling you he parked in the delivery only space.
Walter: Nine dollars for valet parking. That's what dinner should cost!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Katherine: You'll never guess who I ran into this morning - the couple that made the offer on the house across the street. They are so uptight and all I could think was "we had sex in your walk in closet!"

PJ: Was Jon artistic?
Rome: He was artistic at making deals.
PJ: What else was he good at?
Rome: Knowing when to stop asking questions.

Rome: I'm going to need you to promise me that you are going to keep your mouth shut.
PJ: I'm an awkward teenager battling depression. Keeping my mouth shut is kind of my thing.

Gary: We should stop hugging. I remain determined to be the one member of this friend group you haven't slept with.

[gonzosgirrl]

Gary (to Maggie): I thought watching your mother try to replace your brother with a complete stranger was the most pathetic I'd ever seen, until I saw you do it.

Ouch.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rome: [Gina] needs to get to the-
Gina: My friend's.
Rome: Gym. She has a friend named Jim who owns a gym. You know how it is. You are where you work.
Gina: Jim who owns a gym? You're a writer.

Rome: Sometimes everything works out. And then there's now.

Eddie: Maybe Katherine's right.
Delilah: What are you saying?

Danny: Are you wearing lipstick to a kid's birthday party?
Sophie: I guess mom could drive you places.
Danny: Cause I love it!

Rome: So the theme of the party is awkward tension?
Eddie: And waffles.

Maggie: Have you guys seen Gary? The last I heard, he was stalking a senior citizen.

Rome: You do understand that [Sophie] has a crush on you, right? And you do understand that she might be your sister and you do understand that is illegal in at least forty nine states?

Katherine: I'm sorry you lost your husband, but I almost lost my husband too - because of you.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Gina: Is that your dad texting you to pick up more stuff for the cruise?
Rome: The all inclusive cruise, yes. He wants thongs. He'd better be talking about flip flops.

Maggie: He's already starting with the excuses - the true sign of a sore loser.

Maggie: That is a call from Oxford.
Gary: Oxford? Oxford, Massachusetts?
Maggie: No, the lesser known one in England.

Rome: What are you doing here?
Omar: Housesitting.
Rome: You mean freeloading?
Walter: He's not freeloading. He's getting paid.

Delilah: I've been feeling ganged up on about all this Charlie stuff. I don't understand why all of a sudden you would take Eddie and Katherine's side. You're my best friend.
Gina: Being a best friend doesn't always mean telling you what you want to hear. Sometimes it's telling you what you need to hear.

Sophie: Thank you so much for loaning me the Bonnie Ray CD.
Eddie: I don't know who this Bonnie Ray is, but Bonnie Raitt is amazing.
Sophie: I'm 16. How am I supposed to know who all those old people are?

Gary: The only thing louder than a ring tone is an old man trying to turn off a ring tone.

Rome: Are you quoting my screenplay to me?

PJ: You want me to go with you?
Rome: I want you to go instead of me.

Delilah: I'm sure you've been talking to Eddie.
Katherine: My husband? Why, yes, I have been talking to him.

Edited November 15, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Maggie: It's like I'm dating the chimney sweep from Mary Poppins. It's making all of my childhood dreams very confusing.

PJ: How am I supposed to go in there and have a rational conversation with the people that lied to me my whole life?

Gary: You still can't find your passport?
Maggie: Oh, no, I did about half an hour ago. But I rehid it because the feeling of finding it was so gratifying.

Maggie: Why do you even have a passport if you haven't been anywhere?
Gary: I don't need to go anywhere. I've got everything I need right here in Boston.
Maggie: What about Italy? You love pizza.
Gary: Do they have cheese in their crust? Next.
Maggie: You love Crocodile Dundee. You ever thought about going to Australia?
Gary: Don't need to. Paul Hogan brought it to me.
Maggie: You could go hang out with all those animals. How cute are kangaroos?
Gary: Super cute but I don't trust them and neither should you. They box with their heads tilted back. How do they know to do that?

Brian: As your attorney who's paid by the hour, I'm very happy to go over your legal options.

Eddie: Did I catch you at a bad time?
Gary: Just unintentionally day drinking.

Eddie: [Delilah] listens to you. You're like a brother to her.
Gary: Oh, am I? Because I don't have sex with her? Is that how we found that dynamic?

Regina: The fact is YOU who had the affair. You kept this a secret and now you are angry at anyone who doesn't share your opinion.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Dr: Oh, no. Elise, I said I wanted the blue pens that click. These ones with the caps just slow me down.

Gary: So my penis isn't going to fall off?
Dr.: Not today, no.

Eric: My brand is more cuddly but hard to get - a mystery wrapped in a cardigan.

Eric: Why don't you put that kind of honesty into your [dating] profile?
Maggie: Yeah, so something like "single, emotionally and physically scarred woman seeks similar man for unhealthy relationship."
Eric: And also don't forget you're lactose intolerant.

Maggie: Enjoy your super dry cupcake.

Maggie: I cannot believe what an ass Gary was.
Eric: Well, breaking up is hard to do. Is that from Grease?
Maggie: That is Neil Sedaka. You run a music store. You should definitely know that. People are going to think you're a fraud.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Gary: Look at you, exercising with another man's heart. The doctor must be very proud. Or mad. I mean, I don't know what you're allowed to do with another person's organ. That sounded more sexual than I intended it.

Katherine: Have I told you that you're the best?
Carter: You have, but raises speak louder than words.

Maggie: It's just a kiss. It's not that big a deal, right?
Delilah: The last time I kissed someone, I got pregnant.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Eric: And you wanted to go blueberry picking.
Chloe: Hey, I like anything that's both an activity and a snack.

Gary: It is unbelievable how low budget this movie is. The bailiff just played the valet in the last scene.

Regina: [My mom]'s going to say something about the miracle of childbirth. And she's going to assume that we're [adopting] because we have to, not because we want to. Then she'll offer up the number of a doctor who works miracles with IVF, all under a passive-aggressive cloud of "I told you so."
Maggie: You know, I'm actually starting to think that your mom and my mom should meet. I think they'd really hit it off.

Delilah: So how bad is it?
Eddie: It's Quincy's Lie bad. 
Delilah: He's watching Quincy's Lie.
Regina: Oh, gawd.

Gary: I don't even know where [my mom] is.
Delilah: I do. I looked her up on the way over. She's in Brooklyn, starring in a play called The Summer Place. 
Gary: Well, that's great, but I can't just drop everything and go to New York, D.
Rome: You're going to New York?
Gary: I just said I'm not going to New York.
Rome: Todd's in New York. I'll come with.
Gary: Is no one listening to me?

Rome: They're calling his "Unseen." My script is called "Invisible." Dude, look at this line from the Gil character. Look at that. "It's not that I don't have cancer. It's that I don't currently have cancer." Taking my words and making them worse.
Gary: Technically my words. And "Gil"? Really, man?
Rome: Is that all you're getting from this?

Regina: Now we're the proud pseudo-parents of a 16 year old who, apparently, is physically incapable of doing her own laundry.

Shelly: Adoption is incredible. I mean, it's all of the joy and none of the stretch marks.

Alice: Do you like pierogies?
Gary: Yeah, I mean, anything fried.

Edited February 8, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Maggie: Gary - running? I thought one of your hobbies was not running.

Maggie: Do you guys want to join me? I've got about two miles left?
Gary: Left?

Theo: Chocolate chip pancakes on a weekday?
Eddie: is the most important dessert today.

Eddie: You were in [Maggie's] apartment?
Rome: You have never been in a woman's apartment without having sex with her.
Eddie: No, no, there was one time the boyfriend came home before Gary's boxers came off.
Gary: You are doing an infidelity joke with me?

Gary: I can tell you guys to screw off but you know what's really hard? Telling people who have had cancer to go screw themselves. I mean, I'll do it.

Regina: How do you like Boston?
Eve: I like it. Although I haven't been able to find a decent hoagie.
Rome: That's because you're calling it a hoagie. In Boston, it's called a sub.

Maggie: Make some small talk with me and then turn to your left and do it all over again.
Gary: Okay, small talk. I've got a job interview next week - fingers crossed. I saw my mom for the first time in 28 years. I got my car washed. I bought the ten pack.
Maggie: Wait, what?
Gary: Financially, it makes more sense.

Katherine: Susan asked me today if I only fight for my own happiness when it aligns with everyone else's. I realized she's right. All this time I thought I was modeling the right behavior for Theo. I was just teaching him to keep things in.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Sophie: Jake is so funny! His mom told him to go to the grocery store to buy blueberries and on accident he bought grapes. Isn't that funny?
Gary: That's not funny. And it's "by accident."
Sophie: I'm going to send him a recipe for grape muffins.
Gary: Not a thing.

Eddie: That was really rude. I thought you were excited to work with Dakota. What changed?
Theo: I realized I don't like her.
Eddie: Why not?
Theo: I don't know. I just don't.
Eddie: But that doesn't mean you can't be nice. She's a friend.
Theo: Friends like you and Aunt Delilah? Are you going to have a baby with her too?

Gary: How was work?
Sophie: It was exhausting. I don't know how you guys do it.
Gary: I don't.

Elliot: Danny Dixon, you changed my life and how I pack forever.

Delilah: Do you want any more cinnamon roll pancakes before you head out?
Gary: We just took one lap around the block. I don't know if I've earned a third breakfast.

Edited February 21, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Gary: Are you going upstairs? Are you going to talk to Sophie now? Put me on speaker. I want to be on speaker.
Delilah: No, I'm not going to have you eavesdrop while I talk to my daughter about finding her pot.
Gary: Yeah, you're right. Facetime?

Delilah: Don't you have to get to work?
Gary: That is the beauty of my new freelance gig. Cause I'm working from home, I'm already there! I don't even have to wear pants.
Delilah: Thanks for the visual.

Rome: A big shot movie star calling me on my personal cell phone! Okay, my only phone.

Maggie: I can't have my first date since Gary be in front of Gary.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Gary: The last time I saw your sister was at your wedding. If memory serves, Lindsey was drunk and trying to force feed me a piece of wedding cake - and that was 30 minutes before the ceremony.
Eddie: That's my sister.
Gary: Oh, dude! Remember? She threw up on that little flower girl. She filled that whole basket.
Eddie: Oh, I remember. She promised me she's sober now.
Gary: Oh, the alcoholic says she's sober and we're taking her at her word. That's smart.
Eddie: Dude, I'm sober.
Gary: Yeah, the first time you tried to get sober ended with you throwing nachos into the penalty box at the Garden. That was both juvenile and a waste of $18 nachos.

Delilah: What about Charlie?
Maggie: Sophie's still grounded. That's a built in babysitter.

Rome: I know I said I want to know where she is but what are we doing?
Gina: What do you mean?
Rome: When we first met with the social worker, she told us how important boundaries are between adoptive parents and birth parents. And now we're going to track Eve down?
Gina: Rome, we let her stay at our place. We gave her a job at our restaurant. Whatever it is you're worried about us doing, we're already doing it.

Delilah: Who's Paul and why is he driving to the library in a red car?

Lindsey: I'm about to turn 40. All my friend are married, have families. I saw the birth announcement you sent out for Charlie and I thought, "Why isn't that me?"
Eddie: Lindsey, it's not too late. You can have an affair and get someone pregnant too.

Delilah: Happy hour Maggie is so bossy!

Delilah: Every decision you make does not have to last for the rest of your life.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Gary: Hurry up and get off the phone. I'm making fun of Ed's shoes.

Gary: "Digits"? "Wack"? This is why you can't wear those shoes.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Gary: Gary fun fact #12: in the fifth grade, I was the reigning monkey bar champion. Now I'm not bragging. I'm just stating a fact.

Katherine: Hey, about Gary - we make a lot of fun of him because he deserves it.

Darcy: This [painting] is cool. Very artsy. It reminds me of that movie where the sea creature falls in love with that cute cleaning lady.
Maggie: Like Water for Chocolate?
Darcy: Ocean's Eleven? Well, now all I can think about is-
Maggie: Chocolate.
Darcy: George Clooney.
Maggie: Chocolate George Clooney.

Gary: I'm a grown adult and I have no idea how they make glass. They say it comes from sand, but do we really believe that?

Gary: It's not a hardware store per se but it's a place that sells light bulbs and beef jerky and hopefully custom made glass.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Darcy: Wait a second. You own a pair of cowboy boots?
Gary: I do.
Darcy: Like as a kid you bought cowboy boots that you still have?
Gary: No, like as an adult I bought cowboy boots that I still have. I got those cowboy boots because I thought they looked awesome.
Darcy: So why don't you wear them?
Gary: Because they don't look awesome.

Darcy: Is this Delilah's new boyfriend?
Gary: No, I've seen this before. He's a stripper and those are breakaway pants.

Gary: May I ask how young your boy toy is?
Delilah: You may not.
Gary: May I guess?
Delilah: That's worse.

Theo: If I don't have my trombone, what's mom going to walk down the aisle to?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Sophie: Are you sure this [Harvard sweatshirt] isn't overkill?
Delilah: Have you ever met anyone from Harvard? They love to advertise it.

Sophie: The big bottle of wine on the counter says you either have a date or a drinking problem.

Maggie: You were listening to my conversation?
Jamie: The one you were having without headphones in the living room? Yeah.

Jamie: You never drink tea with the teabag still in it. So uncouth. Let me put it in terms you'd understand. It's like putting jelly on a hot dog.

Darcy: Eddie and I have never really clicked.
Gary: Come on. That's just Ed. When you meet him, you don't want to like him and then you end up loving him. He's like the Maroon 5 of people.

Jamie: Sebastian Fork, you are a freak and I'm sorry we never met.
Maggie: I don't know. I think you may have dodged a bullet. Look at this. You could have been living with a DJ.

Maggie: We've learned a bit about you today, Jamie - namely your penchant for watery tea and petty thievery.

Rome: As a confidence booster, we thought we'd start with a game you sucked at even before the accident.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Darcy: I guess math is not your strength because eight is not ten.

Gary: Why aren't you at school?
Danny: I walked home for lunch.
Gary: Walked home, huh? Who are you, Ferris Bueller?
Danny: I don't know who that is.
Gary: What? Dude. John Hughes. Sixteen Candles.
Danny: Sixteen what?
Gary: Omigawd, Dan. You've never seen Sixteen Candles? We're gonna watch this movie. There's a guy in this film that you're gonna like a lot. He's so attractive he slid me like three notches on the Kinsey scale.

Maggie: I got two weirdo British sports brand drinks. I'm taking you for an orange guy even though everyone knows blue is better because it makes your tongue look like you licked a smurf.

[hoodooznoodooz]

@ElectricBoogaloo, thank you for posting these. I don’t know if you transcribed it manually or have access to the teleplays, but they make me realize that the writers write fantastic comedic dialogue. They just flail when writing plots. And, IMO, some of the cast deliver their lines poorly.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Sophie: After visiting Harvard, I realized that it's probably not for me.
Gary: That's fine. Yale's good too apparently.

Rome: She's here. Smile.
Gina: How about if I stand here and express my emotions as I have them?

Eddie: Who's this and where are her clothes?
Katherine: What? You weren't-
Eddie: Googling "big boobs"? Nope.

Gina: If we're being candid, me is someone who's not comfortable with all the attention on her.
Shanice: Wow, I'm really going to have to stretch to play this role, aren't I?

Gary: I'm doing what your mother would do - showing up uninvited with a half-baked plan that will soothe your nerves and talk trash about the competition.

Darcy: My mother told me so little I thought sex was just horizontal hugging until I was 12.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

["Two Princes" by the Spin Doctors plays in the background]
Jamie: What is this horrendous playlist?
Maggie: It's hold music. It was really annoying for the first ten minutes but now I'm kind of getting into it.

Eddie: Just checking in on Theo's costume.
Rome: Silvio crushed it. Check this out - seven inch onyx black peacock style Venetian lace.
Eddie: You have no idea what any of that means, do you?
Rome: Not a clue, but it looks dope!

Maggie: You'd better not eat my Alpha Crunch before I get back. That stuff costs like twenty bucks after postage.
Jamie: Twenty dollars for sugary vowels that shred the roof of your mouth? Hard pass.
Maggie: I knew you were eating my cereal!
Jamie: Well, I had to, didn't I? It's a cereal that teaches phonics and gives you diabetes. Who's not intrigued?

Gary: Casa de Mendez does not subscribe to the archaic "no food in bed" rule.

Gary: We made it through four weeks of taking care of the sweetest, messiest, rudest - I started with sweetest - kids that I've ever babysat for free.

Gary: I don't know if you heard, but your boyfriend sucks.

Maggie: Have you heard about this Peter guy? He sounds amazing.
Gary: Of course [Sophie] thinks that. He's going to help her find a way to get college credit for playing the guitar.

Gary: I'm looking for arnica gel. And you're welcome in advance. After we went to that Bruins camp, my shoulder was throbbing. Rome rubbed some on for me. It wasn't weird. He has extraordinarily soft hands. I just made it weird.
Eddie: The use of "throbbing" didn't help.
Gary: Now allow me to warm my hands up Mr. Miyagi style. Off with the flannel. Come on, let's do it.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Gary: He's a con man. He's a liar.
Maggie: Don't be a hater just because he got the golden ticket. Grandpa Joe was a sweet, innocent old man.
Gary: That's exactly what he wants you to think. This sweet, innocent old man - your words - who hasn't been able to walk for two decades sings a little tune with his grandson and three verses later, he's medically fit to take a tour of a chocolate factory?

Jamie: How long did it take for you to encounter someone with the Boston accent?
Maggie: Cab driver from the airport said, "Irregardless."
Jamie: Oh, wow. Accent and a fake word. That's a double point score.

Gina: What's your plan for today?
Rome: Well, my plan was to be on set calling "action" for the first day of my movie, but instead I think I'm going to let a bag of tortilla chips and a can of aerosol cheese test the limits on these drawstring pants.

Maggie: Are you still on this?
Gary: Am I still thinking about a kids' movie that featured four randy senior citizens sharing a bed?
Maggie: One of them was his wife.
Gary: That's the only one that makes sense. Grandpa George, Grandma Georgina. I'm just saying it's a good thing Charlie slept in that other room. Otherwise he would have had to witness that freaky octagenarian orgy that was happening under the quilt.
Maggie: You're disgusting.
Gary: Me? I'm not the one that was having sex with my in-laws.

Maggie: So camping with Darcy and her son - that should be fun, right?
Gary: Fun fact about me: I like to poop as close to squirrels as possible.

Gina: You don't put green tomatoes in a red sauce!

Tyler: My cousin wanted me to give you his headshot in case you're still looking for someone to play the best friend. Now he hasn't done any acting per se but he's done a lot of stand up.

Tyler: Welcome to deliveries. You can't screw it up. That's why [Gina] lets me do it.

Rome: While we wait, you can tell me all about your fake basketball team.

Rome: 2020 can suck it.

Edited March 20, 2021 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Katherine: Just because someone says they're sober doesn't mean they are.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rome: Despite what you might be thinking, this massage is strictly for your back, okay? Now how you choose to show your appreciation to me later, that's up to you. Come on. Sit down. Let me show you what I picked up watching this dude in the mall.

Gary: Did you sleep okay?
Darcy: Yeah. No nightmares.
Gary: Lucky you. I had that recurring dream where I get into a skirmish with Clifford the Big Red Dog.

Jamie: Has he called you back?
Maggie: No, which means he either hasn't heard my voicemail or he's plotting an elaborate revenge podcast.

Danny: Where you going?
Gary: My place. Colin's out of dog food.
Danny: No, he's not. I just saw a whole other bag in the pantry.
Gary: And I saw some stuff in your search history. You want to spend some time talking about stuff we stumbled on?

Alan: You're the only human contact I've had in the last two weeks. Okay, let's get started here. All I have to do is remove the password, save you the trouble of having to type in "SonofJorEl7" every time.
Katherine: Son of Jor-El? I think we just figured out why you haven't had any human contact.

Katherine: Oh, my gosh. Is that little Alan?
Alan: With my baby brother.
Katherine: Was it picture day?
Alan: No. I used to dress like I had my own accounting firm.

Jamie: Do you want some cereal? And don't do that thing where you'll say you'll just have some of mine. I want all of mine.

Rome: When you brought Eddie to pick up Theo's costume, was he acting weird?
Gary: It's Eddie, so I need you to be a little more specific.

Darcy: Dr. Hughes wants me to try this alternative program for female veterans who suffer from PTSD. It's some kind of holistic retreat but the way that she described it, I felt like I was being prescribed a weekend at Burning Man.

Eddie: I'm sorry I lied to you.
Rome: Not as sorry as you're gonna be that you lied to Katherine.

Gary: What else did Maggie say about me on her podcast?
Darcy: She said sometimes you wreck the moment by talking about your ex-girlfriends.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Danny: That's it. Weekends start on Wednesdays now.

Gina: I'm only going to say this once and then we're never discussing it again. Donald Glover is not Lando.
Tyrell: Except he literally is.
Gina: He's A Lando but he is not THE Lando. That's Billy Dee.
Tyrell: He's the one from Empire Strikes Back, right?
Gina: ...

Maggie: Where'd you get that [umbrella]?
Jamie: The waiting room.
Maggie: So you stole it?
Jamie: Stole? No. Umbrellas don't belong to anyone. They're just there if you need them, like bicycles.
Maggie: Bicycles belong to people.
Jamie: Do they?
Nurse Nora: Not to take sides, but that umbrella's been sitting in the waiting room for weeks so your boyfriend can have it.
Jamie: Well, thank you, Nora. There's a very nice scarf out there too if you're interested.
Maggie: And this thief is not my boyfriend.
Jamie: Oh, and this very judgey woman is not my girlfriend.
Nurse Nora: My bad. I'll be sure to update that in your chart.
Maggie: It never really ceases to amaze me. You're so strict about certain things that do not matter like teabags and then you're just willing to look the other way at petty larceny. You're like the male version of Mary Poppins. You're Jamie Poppins.

Jamie: We've been in Boston for weeks and the only thing I've seen is the inside of Gary's apartment.
Nora: At least you can say you saw the freedom trail. It's the walking path with all the Revolutionary War monuments. It runs right behind the building.
Jamie: Ah, well, that explains the long lasting stink of English humiliation in the air.

Nora: To recap, they are just friends and he may or may not be a bicycle thief.

Katherine: Same old story - Eddie breaks his promise and I'm paying the price. Again. Theo blames me for working too much. What choice do I have? Mom's coming over later to help him with online school because someone still needs to pay the mortgage and my office and the neighbor's car and now his rehab. I don't think I can do this anymore.
Gary: I get it. There's only so much a person can take, right? Nobody's going to blame you if you've reached your limit, Katherine.

Maggie: What's the difference between being stuck in an apartment with you there and being stuck with you in an apartment with you here?
Jamie: Uh, let's see - the metric system, universal healthcare, football where you actually use your feet.

Jamie: The loo. Excuse me, the bathroom that contains no bath.

Rome: You told Katherine it was okay for her to leave Eddie?
Gary: Well, it sounds bad when you say it like that.
Rome: Alexa, send a reminder - never let Gary near Regina after we fight.
Alexa: When should I remind you?

Rome: [My dad]'s now convinced every penny he finds is a gift from my mother. I don't even know what to do with that.
Gary: Maybe you let him have this.
Rome: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm trying to reach Mr. Gary Mendez. He's the guy who mercilessly mocked his girlfriend for going to a psychic.

Gary: People deal with loss in different ways, which apparently all involve throwing away money.

Maggie: Dr. Stein told me that I should not be traveling because of this pandemic so we're stuck in the States for now.
Gary: Well, I'm stuck raising Delilah's kids so you're welcome to stay here as long as you need.

Maggie: We've both come a long way.
Gary: We really have. I'm with Darcy. You're with Jamie. And he's with Nora.

Eddie: They're all against me - my best friend, my wife. My son is all I have left and he's just mad at her cause he's too afraid to be mad at me, but sooner or later he's going to realize that's what's going on and I'm going to lose him too.
Jackie: So what you're saying is you took pills knowing what could happen, you lied to your family, stole from your friends, broke your vows, and the person you're most worried about in all this is you?
Eddie: No. Okay, of course I'm worried about them. Katherine and Theo and Charlie are everything to me.
Jackie: You could have fooled me because you never once stopped to mention what they're going through - what it's like for your wife to discover that you lied again or for your son to be thrown into that kind of chaos.
Eddie: Hey, I didn't talk when you talked.
Jackie: All I'm saying is right now, above all else, your son needs to know he's safe. From what you just said, it sounds more like you're worried about what he thinks of you. You can't have it both ways.

Alan: My whole life, my parents told me I could be one of three things: a doctor, a lawyer, or a failure.

Gary: Where's your sister?
Danny: I don't know.
Gary: Try again.
Danny: Please don't make me be a narc.
Gary: I don't need you to be a narc. I just need you to rat out your sister and tell me where she is.

Danny: Aren't you an accountant?
Gary: I'm not an accountant. I'm an actuary. I work heavily with numbers but I feel the need to clarify.

Gary: I'm going to Jake's. [Sophie] broke the rules.
Danny: And she misspelled "hypocrite."

Maggie: How was the freedom trail?
Jamie: It was fine. It was fun. I learned a lot. I feel like if my guys had pushed just another week, we might have won that thing.

Edited April 8, 2021 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Gary: Why is [Sophie] running around not telling me where she is?
Rome: I don't know, maybe because she's a teenager. You didn't sneak around and do stuff when you were her age?
Gary: What I did or did not do with Lana Horowitz in my neighbor's treehouse is totally irrelevant because we weren't in the middle of a pandemic.

Dr. Stacy: Claudia, I don't need you to grow the beans! I just need you to put the pod in the machine. The marketing campaign literally says a child could do it.

Gary: I tried to be cool, fun Uncle Gary. We stayed up late that one night and watched Dumb and Dumber. But you know what? That all stops right now. I can't believe anything you say to me. Do you even think that Jeff Daniels is a comic genius or is that just another one of the many lies that you've woven as part of your subterfuge?

Eddie: Look, I am sure that you've had your share of struggles but we are not the same. You chose to be a woman. I did not choose to be in this chair.
Jackie: Wow, so many mistakes with what you just said. What I chose was to be myself.

 

Edited April 15, 2021 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

[phone rings]
Gina: It's Rome.
Tyrell: I bet he's calling with another theory about who Florence is. Why doesn't he just admit that that's his dad's girlfriend?
Rome: I figured it out. The reason Florence was at my mom's grave is because she's an undertaker, right?
Tyrell: 100%. She's an undertaker that wants to bone your dad.
Gina: Inappropriate.
Tyrell: Me? Florence is the one that wants to have sex at work.

Danny: Don't worry. We won't put you on any airlines whose names make Gary giggle. |
Gary: Aer Lingus.

Maggie: Okay, I know you guys wanted bagels, but I just finished watching The Crown so you get scones.

Gary: Dan, shouldn't you be in class or something?
Danny: I put a photo of myself in front of my computer camera and changed my name to "reconnecting," so I've got time.
Gary: You know, showing you Ferris Bueller's Day Off was not meant to be educational.
Danny: It's not my fault I'm a quick learner.

Maggie: Listen, uh, Rome told me that you went over to Peter's house.
Gary: Ah, this friend group loves to chat. Remember when you were just a girl that everyone was pissed I brought to Jon's funeral?

Gary: I can't believe that just when Justin was finally having a breakthrough in group about how the death of his father leads to his heroin use, Simone goes and makes it all about her again.
Jackie: I know. I mean, trying to one-up him by talking about her stepfather? Where's the rehab program for that?

Eddie: The only reason the center is letting me have visitors so soon is cause Theo's been acting out.
Jackie: Well, I hope he's getting the therapy his father clearly never got as a child.

Eddie: I miss [Katherine]. I mean, the last time we talked, well, we didn't really talk. But at least she can't hang up on me in person, right?

Alan: You've got a lot going on and I'm really just here because I want to be your friend - a friend who sometimes brings you pizza to trick you into talking to me.

Alan: Don't worry. I got this. I come from a long line of cat herders.
Katherine: Nice work, cat herder.
Alan: I'm just letting him think he has the upper hand. It's called psychology. Cover me. I'm going in.
Katherine: By "cover," you mean stand here and do nothing? I'm on it.

Gary: I'm going to go change the wifi password so that Danny can't suck up all your bandwidth downloading photos of Timothée Chalamet.

Jackie: I understand the irony of playing a game called gin while I'm on my second stint in rehab.

Theo: Pizza should be thin crust or not at all. Everything else is just a casserole.

Maggie: I know this is hard to hear but you need to hear it - what happened to Sophie is not about you. It is about her.
Gary: I just don't want this to define her life.
Maggie: It won't. But it will redefine it. The sooner you understand that, the sooner we can all start helping her through it. So just stop trying to fix it and start listening to what she needs. That is the only way you're ever going to help.

Edited April 22, 2021 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Gina: So what do you think Florence likes to eat?
Rome: I don't know. I've only met her twice, both times at my mother's grave. She's into cemeteries and my dad - two things I've spent my whole life trying to avoid.
Gina: Lasagna it is.

Gina: What was [Tyrell] doing with [a condom] in the car?
Rome: Well, they do brag about how roomy this model is.
Gina: Rome, I'm serious.
Rome: I'm serious, too. We haven't had a moment alone in like, what? Two weeks? And yet our foster child is having so much sex, he's got to take condoms to froyo.
Gina: We're gonna have to talk to him about this.
Rome: Or we could go get some froyo and then use this [condom].

Ty: How did we get stuck with the anti-seatbelt side? What's there to debate?
Jen: Oh, I got it. It wrinkles your clothes.

Jen: So if you're ejected from the car, your chance of survival increases 56%.
Girl: Are those real statistics?
Jen: Does that matter?

Gary: Make a list - pros, cons. You write them all out and just really think about them. And then trust your gut.
Danny: You think that'll help?
Gary: It helped me in high school when I was trying to decide between a mullet and frosted tips.
Danny: So what you're saying is I should think of a third choice?

Gina: So you are sexually active?
Tyrell: I'm 17 years old with this face and a killer sense of humor. Opportunities present themselves.

Gary: Sometimes [my dad] says stuff he shouldn't say and people don't always take it the right way.
Darcy: So what you're saying is the apple didn't fall far from the tree?

Walter: It's freezing out here.
Rome: Yeah, well, it would help if you pulled your mask over your nose. You're trying to prevent COVID, not rob a stagecoach.

Regina: Really? You did not.
Florence: I did so. I was in New Zealand, I saw the sign, and I thought, "When am I gonna have another chance" to bungee jump off the Kawarau Bridge?
Regina: How old were you when you did that?
Florence: This was just in early March, right before the pandemic.

Javier: Junior and I spent every Sunday trying to figure out how to put this, uh, soap box racer together.
Gary: It's true. I learned most of my swear words on those days.

Eddie: Listen, I owe you an apology. I was pretty hard on you when you dropped me off at rehab.
Gary: You mean when you yelled at me after I drove for an hour and a half? Nah, I barely noticed that.

Gary: No matter what happens, I love you.
Eddie: Thanks, man.
Gary: I mean, after all, I basically gave you an engagement ring.

Javier: You're really gonna like this one. Halloween 1996.
Danny: Who did he go as?
Javier: Three words - Weird Gary Yankovic!