Relationship Thread: Advice, Venting And Everything Else

[RealHousewife]

3 hours ago, kristen111 said:

Sorry @RealHousewife.  I didn’t look at the date .. three years ago, I thought I had erased that.  Btw, what happened to him?  

Hahaha, I was trying to remember which guy the posts were even about. Once upon a time, prior to covid, it was easy for me to meet men. There were two I think I mentioned here. One was foreign and around my age, one was American and older. I think you're referring to the older American one. 

I pushed him away per my usual self. It sounds sad, and I know I need to stop doing that. He was from out of state, and I think he moved back home. 

[DisneyBoy]

How do you reestablish boundaries with friends?

I have a friend that I've known for many years and while I enjoy his company in a lot of ways and I know he cares about me and is very nice, he also has a tendency to pry into personal details and cast judgment or be condescending as if he has answers for everything even when he doesn't have all the information.

He's confessed to me that he enjoys sort of blindsiding people with shocking comments or humor. And I've known for a long time that he gossips about people that we know. I guess, I've always made the mistake of thinking that I'm in a different category in his mind and he has a certain level of respect for me. But the last few times we've hung out that respect has seemed to go out the window. He's been downright condescending and bringing up personal stuff in front of others, and when it's clear I'm not appreciating that treatment, he doubles down and starts making a show of talking to me or following me around as I try to distance myself, as if to show everybody else that I have a problem with him and that I am being cold towards him or something. I'm really flummoxed.

We're at an age where you'd think as adults, we know when to stop crossing lines or stepping on people's toes, but I think he does it as a kind of a power move. As a way to force me to have nothing to say in response, because of course if you ask someone to cut it out, then you're just being overly sensitive.

I've hated that narrative my whole life because I'm not the kind of person who's going to try to get under a friend's skin. If they say, "hey, you're going too far, this is hurting my feelings" I'm quick to apologizeand backpedal. I like having fun, but not if someone feels uncomfortable. My friend seems to feel the opposite way. He's very sensitive in a lot of ways, a sweet person, and is attentive and stayed in touch with me over the years, which are things that I like....but he's gotten out of hand lately, and I don't know where it's coming from or how to address it without basically torpedoing the friendship. 

Again, if he wasn't acting like this, I wouldn't feel like the friendship needs to hit the brakes. It's tough as an adult when you've known people for decades....and then you just don't want to see them for a couple of months or years because you know they're not going to change and the behavior is just going to continue. 

There almost seems to be no hope of fixing the relationship....only dropping it or keeping it and swallowing your feelings. One extreme or the other. People have more and more pride and ego as the years go on and are less willing to change or reconsider their behaviors, you know what I mean? So I just don't know what to do.

Is part of being an adult either keeping or dumping your friends? Does it have to be that extreme? Can you restate your boundaries or explain to a friend that they're way out of line without it coming across like a scorched-earth situation?

Edited July 2, 2023 by DisneyBoy

[isalicat]

7 hours ago, DisneyBoy said:

How do you reestablish boundaries with friends?

I have a friend that I've known for many years and while I enjoy his company in a lot of ways and I know he cares about me and is very nice, he also has a tendency to pry into personal details and cast judgment or be condescending as if he has answers for everything even when he doesn't have all the information.

He's confessed to me that he enjoys sort of blindsiding people with shocking comments or humor. And I've known for a long time that he gossips about people that we know. I guess, I've always made the mistake of thinking that I'm in a different category in his mind and he has a certain level of respect for me. But the last few times we've hung out that respect has seemed to go out the window. He's been downright condescending and bringing up personal stuff in front of others, and when it's clear I'm not appreciating that treatment, he doubles down and starts making a show of talking to me or following me around as I try to distance myself, as if to show everybody else that I have a problem with him and that I am being cold towards him or something. I'm really flummoxed.

We're at an age where you'd think as adults, we know when to stop crossing lines or stepping on people's toes, but I think he does it as a kind of a power move. As a way to force me to have nothing to say in response, because of course if you ask someone to cut it out, then you're just being overly sensitive.

I've hated that narrative my whole life because I'm not the kind of person who's going to try to get under a friend's skin. If they say, "hey, you're going too far, this is hurting my feelings" I'm quick to apologizeand backpedal. I like having fun, but not if someone feels uncomfortable. My friend seems to feel the opposite way. He's very sensitive in a lot of ways, a sweet person, and is attentive and stayed in touch with me over the years, which are things that I like....but he's gotten out of hand lately, and I don't know where it's coming from or how to address it without basically torpedoing the friendship. 

Again, if he wasn't acting like this, I wouldn't feel like the friendship needs to hit the brakes. It's tough as an adult when you've known people for decades....and then you just don't want to see them for a couple of months or years because you know they're not going to change and the behavior is just going to continue. 

There almost seems to be no hope of fixing the relationship....only dropping it or keeping it and swallowing your feelings. One extreme or the other. People have more and more pride and ego as the years go on and are less willing to change or reconsider their behaviors, you know what I mean? So I just don't know what to do.

Is part of being an adult either keeping or dumping your friends? Does it have to be that extreme? Can you restate your boundaries or explain to a friend that they're way out of line without it coming across like a scorched-earth situation?

You have stated this so articulately that I would think you pretty much answered your own question in that last paragraph. I am not in favor of ghosting toxic people until they are given an opportunity to recognize their toxicity and mend their ways: its a form of public service to them, really. So if you can't express to your friend verbally what and how they are being is unacceptable, I would simply reproduce this post as a personal letter or email and send it on. Give them a chance to respond and if all you get is resistance, then yes, part of being an adult is being kind to oneself, and that may mean no longer being in relationship to someone who cannot be a real friend to you.

[Jaded]

Had some regrets posting what I did.

Edited August 10 by Jaded