Support for caring for an elderly relative

[Laura Holt]

I mentioned in the health thread that my Dad had another bout of Covid complicated by having it morph into pneumonia.  Anyway a side affect of this has been he has been having a lot of falls lately.  He should have been using a cane for support even before this (but he wouldn't do it) but a benefit (?) of this has been he now uses a walker.  

One of the most challenging parts of coping with an elderly parent is walking that fine line between acknowledging they are still the parent and that they are also adults who should be making their own decisions and knowing that you are right dammit! and that you are trying to make choices that are in their best interest.

Sigh.  Wording things in just the right way to encourage without seeming like I'm taking over and telling him what to do has not been easy.

[supposebly]

Dizziness is a symptom of long COVID. I've been having those spells since I had COVID this summer. Just for moments but they think it happens if the infection affects the inner ear.

[Dimity]

I know others posting here have expressed concern (in this thread and elsewhere) about elderly parents and driving.  I am thrilled to report that my father has finally accepted that he shouldn't be behind the wheel.  We moved quickly (he's flip flopped on this a few times in the last few years) and his car has now been sold.  I totally get how hard it is to give up something you've been doing for over 70 years and it's another step away from being totally independent but him driving was becoming a risk to himself and to others on the road.

[EtheltoTillie]

On 1/7/2025 at 11:30 AM, Dimity said:

I know others posting here have expressed concern (in this thread and elsewhere) about elderly parents and driving.  I am thrilled to report that my father has finally accepted that he shouldn't be behind the wheel.  We moved quickly (he's flip flopped on this a few times in the last few years) and his car has now been sold.  I totally get how hard it is to give up something you've been doing for over 70 years and it's another step away from being totally independent but him driving was becoming a risk to himself and to others on the road.

Congratulations on passing that relatively easily.  It's a huge problem. 

[roseha]

It was a huge problem in my family also.  Good advice that I got from my therapist at the time was to have the doctor say you can't drive anymore. That way they can be mad at the doctor, not the family.

[PRgal]

Music might help some elderly people with their cognitive skills.  My mom just signed up for singing lessons!  She's never done it before and she's hoping that it could work as a form of music therapy. 

Anyone here an only child and worried about all the responsibilities they have to take when their parents are no longer able to care for themselves?  Like managing their finances when while they're still around and handling their care?  

[Bastet]

17 minutes ago, PRgal said:

Anyone here an only child and worried about all the responsibilities they have to take when their parents are no longer able to care for themselves?  Like managing their finances when while they're still around and handling their care? 

Right now, the assistance my parents need is still manageable, but of course it's only going to get worse.  It's a lot emotionally even when it's still easily managed physically -- you become the parent to an extent.  My dad is very appreciative and apologetic.  My mom ... she's driving us both crazy.  She is appreciative, but she's also disturbingly comfortable sitting around like some imperious lady of the manor barking out orders.  The switching roles to where I'm the parent thing kicks in again -- she raised me by saying "If you don't knock that off, we're leaving/I'm taking X away" and following through if I didn't indeed knock it off.  So now I'm "raising" her to understand when I say "If you don't knock it off, I'm going home" I do in fact go home if she doesn't knock it the fuck off.  My dad says things are getting better.

I am NOT moving back in with them/moving them in with me when they need someone daily, so when that time comes we'll have to hire someone.

My dad wants me to loop in on all their financial stuff.  I'm very simple and hands-off with my investments, but he handles all theirs himself and it's much more complex.  I've told him I'm happy to sit down and go over everything, but if it reaches a point where he can't manage it anymore, he'll have to get a professional to do it, not me (and when it becomes mine, it's going to get mightily simplified and handled by Vanguard; I'm not interested in that shit -- keep it diverse, don't get aggressive, don't invest in X,Y,Z that I do not want to profit from, and just send me quarterly statements I'll ignore and the tax documents I'll use).

[Browncoat]

I highly recommend being added to at least one of their accounts (checking, preferably) as a co-owner.  Although, if you are an only child, just having the accounts all set up as POD in your name would probably be sufficient.  I also recommend pre-paying any funeral-related expenses.

[Dimity]

I am on my Dad's accounts and the funeral was paid for long ago.  I don't interfere in any way with my Dad's expenses, he pays his own bills, cashes his own cheques etc.  But what I do do is contact govt agencies, co-ordinate doctor's visits, that kind of thing.  I am not an only child but my siblings do not live nearby so the day to day stuff is left to me to handle.

Edited Friday at 07:51 PM by Dimity

[Absolom]

1 hour ago, PRgal said:

Anyone here an only child and worried about all the responsibilities they have to take when their parents are no longer able to care for themselves?  Like managing their finances when while they're still around and handling their care?  

I just finished that when my last parent (I ended up with four) passed away a couple of years ago.  Talk to them early so they get used to the idea and make sure you have access to emergency funds for them, that you are on medical and legal powers of attorney (after their spouse if they have one), make sure you talk about their wishes in all areas.

[Bastet]

1 hour ago, Browncoat said:

I highly recommend being added to at least one of their accounts (checking, preferably) as a co-owner.  Although, if you are an only child, just having the accounts all set up as POD in your name would probably be sufficient.

I'm not doing anything to put me on their accounts until/unless it's clearly on the horizon that I'll have to handle their banking while they're still alive.  If they're able to do it until the end, there's no need, and everything passes to me as the sole beneficiary of the living trust.

I have the power to make medical decisions, and they've filed advance directives with their health plan (and have a copy in the motorhome should something happen while they're traveling, and of course I have a copy).  But I'm not setting up financial power at this point.

1 hour ago, Browncoat said:

I also recommend pre-paying any funeral-related expenses.

No funerals.  Maybe a celebration of life party at the house not in the immediate aftermath, but possibly nothing and definitely no funeral.

[Absolom]

My parents wanted to be cremated and well due to COVID and other factors I still have the cremains.  Do not try to dispose of cremains in California, simply drive to another state.  It's so regulated in California that it's very difficult and frequently ridiculously expensive. Also I was told I couldn't prepay funeral expenses, that the funeral home could only set up some kind of special account.  I didn't bother.  

If parents are co-operative and onboard with a plan, it's much easier.  Sometimes parents make it a huge issue, are stubborn, or put it off until it's too late to do easily.  I had some of each. If they are going to need in-home care or a retirement facility, try to have them pick the people/agency or facility while they still can.  That made it so much easier to know it was Mom's choice.  She was the last one to go and spent ten years with in-home or facility care.  I found getting hospice as soon as Mom was eligible was a LOT better than only for the last two or three weeks as happened with my step-dad.  By the end with Mom I was worn out and knowing the wonderful hospice nurse was checking on her five days a week was an amazing relief.  Instead of calling me for every little thing, the facility called hospice first and then they called me if they needed me.

[Dimity]

My parents went the pre-pay route years ago so when my mother died all we needed to do was contact the funeral home and they went into action and handled everything.  I did need to make some decisions but nothing major and although we did pay for a few extra things that they hadn't anticipated it was very minor.  The biggest advantage with having the funeral home take care of things was they got us multiple copies of Mom's death certificate which I had to use to close down accounts and the like.  I am sure we'd have gotten them somehow, anyway but it was one kinda awful detail I didn't need to worry about at the time.

[Browncoat]

36 minutes ago, Bastet said:

No funerals.  Maybe a celebration of life party at the house not in the immediate aftermath, but possibly nothing and definitely no funeral.

My parents pre-paid for their cremations, which included a very simple casket (because you apparently have to have something) and the services/space of the funeral home for the celebrations of life.  The funeral director also handled notification of the Social Security Administration, acquiring death certificates and a host of other administrative things. Six death certificates were included in the price, and those were necessary for a LOT of things.  Urns for cremains cost extra. 

It was very helpful to have all of that pre-paid.  All we had to worry about was the dates of the celebrations of life.  We didn't do those immediately, but waited two months for my mother and about that for my father.  I honestly don't know how people get organized for funerals and such immediately.  

[Absolom]

I agree with pre-paying and pre-planning funerals if the state the deceased dies in allows it.  California seemingly no longer does.  It's a problem if the funeral home goes out of business between the payment and the death.  Even not pre-paid, the funeral home will notify SSA, get you death certificates, and handle administrivia.  I was allowed to fill out the required forms about six months before she passed so they could have everything ready and then they simply took my credit card over the phone.

[supposebly]

2 hours ago, Absolom said:

Sometimes parents make it a huge issue, are stubborn, or put it off until it's too late to do easily.

That's my parents. Not fun.

[Absolom]

It's what one of my SILs is having to deal with.  It's hard.  I'm sorry they are giving you so much grief.  It puts pressure on me to be as agreeable as possible so as not to give my daughter and him any more stress.