Insecure Quotes

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Molly: TLC, Jodeci, 702, Dru Hill, and Xscape.
Molly's date: Xscape? Well, that first album is a classic.
Molly: Stop it. You're stalling again.
Molly's date. Okay, if I had to choose, my top five would be 112, Blackstreet, also Jodeci, Boyz II Men, and Color Me Badd.
Molly: Oh, no. Waitress, check please! Will you also revoke his black card while we at it? "I Wanna Sex You Up" Color Me Badd?
Molly's date: That's the one.

Issa: [Patricia] takes a thirty minute break after her lunch break. It's like that's what your lunch is for!
Frida: I think she walks to Ralphs to poop.

Tasha: Kale tastes like foot juice.

Dayneice: Have you ever worked with Dre?
Daniel: No, but I'm producing a track with Ty Dolla $ign.
Dayneice: So not Dre?

[Ohwell]

You must have used closed captioning for this, especially for Molly's talking.  LOL

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Issa: Oh, you gotta work?
Molly: Yes, bitch. I'm a real ass lawyer.

Lawrence: I'm still trying to get my shit together.
Chad: Why don't you [and Issa] get your shit together together? That's what I told Lia. We're going to handle her divorce and our prenup at the same time. It's just good time management.

Issa: Why are there two intermissions?
Kelli: One is for the bathroom, one is for food.

Edited November 20, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Molly: Ooh, you look like a mermaid with feet - in a good way though. I love it.
Issa: But do you love it like "I would give her money for her fundraiser" or "This bitch looking like a black Ariel"?
Molly: Are those mutually exclusive?

Issa: I realized I had it all wrong. I don't need to be Miss No Fucks. I'm now Miss Gives All the Fucks.
Molly: Oh, okay, so what does Miss Gives All the Fucks give all the fucks about?

Molly: That [dress] is backwards.
Issa: No, it's not.
Molly: You got titties in your back now?

Molly: Omigawd, guess who I ran into? You remember Crystal?
Issa: Crystal with the fucked up shoes or Crystal with the heavy ass titty rings?

Kid: Wow, I bet this house is opened by a rapper!
Issa: Actually, this house is owned by a dentist.
Kid: But a rapper's dentist?
Dayneice: Rappers don't have dentists, stupid.
Issa: Dayneice, all people need good oral hygiene.

[Stardancer Supreme]

Issa: We have a lot of work to do! Move that bench over there.

White Co-Worker: We just moved it over here.

Issa: Don't question my authority! Thanks!

[DearEvette]

Issa:   I think I see a child who has been left behind.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

White guy at bar: Are you Jill Scott? You look just like Jill Scott.
Kelli: Omigawd, you look just like Twilight.

Issa: Do you listen to yourself?
Kelli: All the time. I have a podcast.

Tiffany: I think I taste stone fruit.
Winery lady: Mmmmm.
Molly: And a little bit of pepper.
Tiffany: YES! Me too! Look at us.
Issa: I taste wine.

Kelli: Why are you looking at me like you Stacey Dash and I just told you you black?

Kelli: So we just gonna all sit here and pretend New Molly ain't the same bitch that we've known for forever?
Tiffany: Wasn't going to say anything, but like how is New Molly different?
Molly: I embrace who I am. I do what I want and I do not give a fuck what anybody thinks. Old boy from the club was cute so I got with him.
Kelli: But that's what you always do!
Tiffany: No, no, no. Now she embraces it. So New Molly sabotages her life on purpose.

Molly: You know what you want to say when you see [Lawrence]?
Issa: I don't know.
Molly: Practice on me.
Issa: I am so sorry-
Molly: FUCK YOU!
Issa: What the fuck?!
Molly: Worst case scenario, girl. I'm just trying to keep you woke. Alright, try again.

Kelli: FYI - don't speed. I got edibles under the seat.

 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Chad: Bitch, let the bitch read!

Kelli: That's what I marched for. I took off work so I could walk down the street and do shit to white people finally.

Issa: Did he choreograph that? Is this choreography?

Edited July 29, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[link417]

On 11/22/2016 at 8:37 PM, Stardancer Supreme said:

Issa: We have a lot of work to do! Move that bench over there.

White Co-Worker: We just moved it over here.

Issa: Don't question my authority! Thanks!

This has to be my all-time favorite quote of the series.

On 7/29/2017 at 5:27 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Chad: Bitch, let the bitch read!

This will never not be funny to me.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Molly: What kind of fuck was it? Was it a "we getting back together" fuck or  "fuck you" fuck?
Issa: I don't know. It was a nebulous fuck.

Kelli: Your parties are so much fun. I haven't been Saturday drunk on a Thursday in like a week.

Kelli: You know that shady scary rundown building by my SoulCycle? Did you know that's a speakeasy?

Chad: Yeah, the neighborhood's coming up. They just put in a new juice place up the street. Leo owns it. I've seen him a few times. We both get beet juice.

Chad: You still working with kids?
Issa; Yeah, I do.
Chad: Keep it up. Once they repeal that Obamacare, the kids will need you.
Issa: That's not really what I do.
Chad: It's in the purview.

Scott Foley: Is your soup hot?
Regina Hall: It ain't never been hotter, sir.

Tasha: Damn, that little boy see everything. He can't leave the house. He got typhoid.

Issa: You got jalapeño popped, bitch!

Edited July 31, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Empress1]

Chad drinking from that straw all shady should be a quote.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Quentin: I gotta go soon too. The sun is actually shining today and I'm going to the beach.
Molly: Don't call it a beach. You know it's not the beach.
Quentin: You can get disbarred here for saying something like that.
Molly: Well I hear you can get promoted for being an asshole.

Female coworker: Colin, enough with the chips.
Colin: They're not chips. They're chirps. They're made from crickets.
Lawrence: I actually tried crickets once in Phuket. They're high in protein.
Male coworker: You know what else it's high in? Fucking crickets.
Colin: Whatever. I gotta go take a tinkle.
Brooke: Is that what he said after you two...
Female coworker: Shut up!
Lawrence: Did you-
Brooke: Hook up with a dude who eats bugs? Yes, she did.
Female coworker: It was start up Saturday, so fuck you.
Lawrence: I don't know what that is but that is not a good enough excuse.
Female coworker: It's a mixer thing. Trust me. It's depressing. All the guys are disgusting or lame as shit.

Molly: Just use the notecards, mom. You don't have to memorize the vows. He's already married to you. You can wear your glasses. Dad knows you wear glasses.

Molly: Dr. Riner was always putting her shit on me, just cause we both got brown titties.

Issa: Trying to fuck is hard.
Molly: No, it's not. It's like riding a bike.
Issa: I don't know how to do that either.

Issa: Fuck feeling feelings.

Issa: Can you teach me how to ho?
Molly: Bitch, that's rude....And yes.

Molly: Bitch, open a window!

Eddie: I'm watching Gossip Girl. I'm almost done. The Dominguez library is missing season five but luckily six still makes sense.

Eddie: Would you mind if I titty fucked you?
Issa: I'd like to respectfully decline.
Eddie: Okay, well, thank you for being so respectful.

Edited May 7, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Issa: He's got a classy name - Felix.
Kelli: Like the cat? You trying to fuck a cat?
Issa: Girl, I'm just trying to fuck.

Chad: You haven't left yet?
Lawrence: I got held up on the phone with Joe. He wanted to roll through.
Chad: No, no, he's always trying to start fights. I'm not trying not to have another Chipotle situation. You ever had their tofu bowl? Low key, that shit's delicious but yeah, fuck Joe.

Dro: I'm glad y'all made it looking like Destiny's Child.
Kelli: Uh, who's Michelle?
Dro: ....
[Kelli looks at Issa]
Kelli: It's you.

Molly: Where's Candice?
Dro: She's in San Diego at a meditation seminar. Basically she's paying to nap with strangers.

Issa: Guess who I just saw.
Molly: Is it the girl who plays Ninny? Because I think she's here.
Issa: Daniel.
Molly: Where?
Issa: Don't look for him!
Molly: Did he see you?
Issa: I mean, maybe. It depends how good his peripheral vision is. I bet it's good though because he got Lasik like a year ago.

Molly: Are you trying to talk to Daniel or are you trying to avoid him? Cause I just want to know how sober I need to be.

Dro: What about my man over here?
Molly: You mean the one with the elbow patches and the pigeon toes?
Dro: Buttoned up but bougie - that's your type.
Molly: He looks like a strip mall dentist.

Girl #1: It's soft.
Lawrence: I can't just go right again.
Girl #2: Well then why'd you come?
Lawrence: Because we were fucking?
Girl #1: This is bullshit.

[NYCNJbear06]

Love the "Oh we going this way" quote when Issa just merged into to group of folks passing by.  

Gotta love that talking out loud to no one to justify what you about to do LOL  and yes I have done something similar (hangs head in shame)

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Scott Foley: Ahh, Ninny, she only trimmed the tree. I let you tend the bush.

Issa: So you're just going to get pastami tacos without me?

Molly: Is he Latino?
Issa: Si, bitch!...That was really racist.

Joanne: Don't forget tomorrow's retreat will begin promptly at 9am.
Patricia: So we're coming to work on a Saturday - for free.

Issa: Black people can't really be racist like that.
Frieda: Yes, they can. Racism is about having the power to manipulate a situation against someone.
Issa: Oh, so you're just going to be literal?

Issa: Fuck gin. I want the horchata - easy on the chata, heavy on the HOR.
Nico: Don't worry. You're in good hands.
Issa: Are you good with your hands? Or are you better with YOUR DICK?

Nico: I caught that Spiderman reference in your profile. Marvel, huh?
Issa: All day.
Nico: See, the thing is I'm a DC guy.
Issa: What?
Nico: Oh, come on. Superman beat Spiderman. Superman's dog beat Spiderman.
Issa: You know what? I should go.
Nico: Actually, you should.

Frieda: You learn that a student is scared of going for his dreams.
Patricia: Well, that's stupid. Dreams aren't meant to be achieved. That's why they're called dreams. Otherwise they'd be called realities. They might as well learn that sooner rather than later.

Molly: You're just saying that because you married a stripper.
Curtis: No, I love Kim. She trapped me, but I love her.

Issa's friend: Why are we talking about Aladdin and little white girls?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Molly: I feel like we fucked up our friendship.
Issa: Well, you literally fucked your friend so that sounds about right.

Molly: No matter what, he was always there for me. I just don't have another friend like that.
Issa: Um, hello? I'm right here. We can fuck if you want to.

Molly: We're getting together to watch the game.
Issa: What game?
Molly: Like you know sports. The Los Angeles Wheelers.
Issa: Oh, yeah. I have a hat. Yeah, it has wheels on it.

Molly: Maybe if it's not Morocco, we could still go to Miami or Montego Bay or Monterey.
Issa: There are other places that start with other letters.

Molly: Aren't you fucking other people?
Issa: Barely.

Issa: You know where I fucked up? Nico. Because he distracted me with his fine ass face. But I'm going to tell him, "Shut the fuck up. I don't want your conversation. Get in my lineup."
Molly: Girl, that's the ho spirit!

Kelli: I blame the church. The black church.
Issa: Kelli, you can't use that for everything!
Kelli: Yes, I can.

Tiffany: Ladies, I'm so disappointed in you.
Issa: Bitch, shut up.
 

[Empress1]

Issa & Molly at the marathon made me laugh. "Keep running. You're so fast" all deadpan. And Molly "Damn, already? That bitch got Kenyan in her?"

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Molly: Imma put a dozen eggs in a water gun and roll up to that nigga's house and just braaaaaa - I'm gonna spray his face with cum eggs.

Molly: Hold up, I didn't judge you for hoing around these last few months.
Issa: That was different because I knew what I was getting myself into.
Molly: Bitch, you just got a surprise facial! What the fuck are you talking about?

Issa: You know, the good thing about the PSAT is it's multiple choice. You could close your eyes and fill out anything and still have a good shot. Don't do that though. You'll fail.

Dro: Did you get Tiffany's invite to Derek's birthday party?
Molly: A style guide though?
Dro: She had the nerve to suggest that me and Candice mind the color palette.

Lawrence: I forgot I got to stop by this thing.
Aparna: Oh, a thing? Is this at a place?

Kelli: Isn't this [jacket] cute? I got it at Forever 21. It's a woman's jacket but you can't tell.

Tiffany: Okay, so Derek doesn't know this but I got him a box of high end Cuban cigars. They're rolled by this entire family, even the children. I know that sounds sketchy but what can I say? I love my man.

Vance: Signature cocktail?
Tiffany: You can choose from the Tiffany which is a sparkling rosé with muddled raspberries and a hint of vermouth or the Derek which is our take on the amaretto sour.
Molly: What's your take?
Tiffany: He added an extra cherry.

Kelli: I thought sweetie was just going to be some strange but I'm going with his parents to mosque next week. Shabbat sholom!
Molly: That's not what they say at mosque.
Kelli: It could be.
Kelli's date: Hey, babe! They got shooters!
Kelli: He's a real one.

Tiffany: Molly, there are place cards. I didn't design my own font so you could sit just where you wanted.

Vance: Signature cocktail? There's the Tiffany and the Derek.
Ahmal: I'll take both because I'm classy.

Kelli: There must have been a sale on denim.

Kelli: I didn't like either of their cocktails so I mixed them together. I call it a Derfany. It's like them fucking in a glass.

Kelli's date: I want to a car museum on Wilshire. You know Biggie that got shot there?
Molly: No. No, I didn't.
Kelli: I didn't know he died until recently.

Kelli: Is this carrot cake? So you hate us.

[scrb]

OK, being lazy to replay the ep. and transcribe it but Chad's line about the spare dick ...

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Girl: Make sure you come back for our grand opening in thirty days! Best coffee in I-wood!
Issa: I-wood? What the fuck?

Brooke: Should your nipples be bleeding like that?

Aparna: Is it still carb loading if the marathon was three days ago?

Aparna: I think it's crazy that you would get speakers before a couch. Come on. Priorities much?
Lawrence: It's not about priorities. It's about being able to listen to Sportscenter in the shower.

Lawrence: What else are you hearing since you and Collin are so close?
Aparna: Don't do that. Ewww. Just because we had sex does not make us close.
Lawrence: That's literally as close as you can get.
Aparna: Not to me. Plus we were drunk every single time.

Lawrence: Y'all want to watch the game? I got the whole sports package.
Chad: Can we fuck with that Due North finale though?
Derek: Ha, you watch that dumbass show too?
Chad: My fiance put me on it. It's stupid.
Lawrence: Stop fronting. You love that show.
Chad: The character development is on point and the storylines are riveting.

Chad: Bitches don't need a motherfucking dude as a friend. That's just extra dick around for no reason.

Lawrence: Why is it always a white Mercedes?

Lawrence: Cool.
Aparna: It doesn't sound like it's cool.
Lawrence: Just be honest. I don't want to be out here looking stupid.
Aparna: You're making yourself look stupid.

Molly: [Kelli] invited me to come to some jazz class with her last month. I was like bitch, why?

Quentin: Is everybody in the Carter family as successful as you?
Molly: Well, my younger brother is 26 and still doesn't have a driver's license. My older brother's married to a stripper. What about you?
Quentin: My sister sells flat tummy tea on Instagram. She's got hella followers, but what's her endgame?

Kelli: When you work with white folks, you gotta make them feel comfortable about you - explaining your outfits, speaking on behalf of all black people, trying not to be a stereotype. It's like okay, Meg, I'm eating watermelon. So what, bitch? It's hot!

Tiffany: Look how far you got! You ran nine miles. None of us can run that.
Derek: Especially since it's a 10K.

Ahmal: How are you going to sell a mini vac without a power cord?
Issa: Everyone knows this is a buyer beware situation.
Ahmal: You really think you're going to get $8 for this blanket?
Isssa: It's from Crate and Barrel.
Ahmal: It's from Target and it has mustard on it. You need to lower your prices.

Thug Yoda: Hey, what you want for this brockpot? Nelly, tell her what your favorite food is.
Little girl: Bauliflower soup.
Issa: Awwww, that's...upsetting.

Eddie: You're moving out?
Issa: Yeah.
Eddie: I'm sorry to hear that. I've been using your wifi.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Kelli: Why are you just standing there? RUN!
Due North slave: Isaac done killed Christine cause she was having relations with Miss Lydia.
Issa: DAMN!
Molly: What the fuck?
Isaac: When Ninny told me the poison didn't work, I did what I had to do.
[Scott Foley punches Isaac]
Other Due North slave: I hate slavery!
Issa: I thought that simple slave was really simple.
Kelli: And I told you that fool was shifty! You see? You mind your business, you get free.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Molly: We need to decide whether we're friends who don't have sex or acquaintances who just have sex because anything otherwise is a little muddy and I need boundaries.

Lyft passenger: Y'all only got Fruit Frenzy [Capri Sun]?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Coworker: Honestly, whatever Issa thinks is probably right.
Issa: Oh, so now y'all want to be woke when a bitch been an alarm clock since day one? Well, BEEP BEEP, motherfuckers! BEEP BEEP!

Jada: Sometimes I just want to be ratchet. Your music makes me want to think. It's like, why though?

Daniel: Where's Spyder at?
He got caught up in some shit on the east side and you know he don't fuck with the 101 after 3.

What's up, girl? Did I leave some ketchup packets at your house?

Kelli: You buying groceries at Rite-Aid?
Issa: I buy panties there too.

Issa: [Daniel]'s not charging me to stay.
Kelli: He's not? You concubining?
Issa: What? Kelli! No!
Kelli: Not even a little bit? Touch it? Suck it? Fuck it? Just wake up and it's in your mouth?

Kelli: Don't look a gift horse in the dick.
Issa: That's not a saying.
Kelli: It is. My grandmother said it to me.

Daniel: I like that hoodie. Will you hook me up?
Vanessa: It's $500, so no.

Sarah: Are you having dessert for lunch?
Kitty: Yes. I'm on an all desserts diet. The sugar literally burns the other sugar and you lose weight.
Sarah: I don't think that's a thing.
Kitty: No, I saw it on Dr. Oz.
Sarah: How did they spell Oz?
Kitty: It's science.

Kitty: It's like sorry, just accept that your logo's super racist.
Ken: Yeah, and more importantly, ugly.

Issa: You got braces and they're green!
Guy at bar: They match my money.

Issa: Sometimes when I gotta handle something, I eat.You want a snack?  I brought this granola bar. It got pretty smashed but that's cool. Now it's trail mix.

Daniel: If I got shot, what would the new story say? Unknown soundcloud producer dead.
Issa: That's better than mine. Lights out on debt ridden Lyft driver with 3.6 rating.

[Empress1]

I missed this at first, but:

Kelli: "You think I should fuck Warren?"

Also the delivery of "You buying groceries at Rite-Aid?" was perfect. A mix of shock, pity, and sadness and it was funny at the same time.

Edited August 20, 2018 by Empress1

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Issa: Bitch, you got a blueberry facial for your dog?
Molly: And a paw massage.

Molly: I've never had all black coworkers before. They probably got shea butter dispensers in the bathroom.

Issa: The couch got uncomfortable so we just started sleeping in bed together, but just side by side, platonically.
Molly: Oh, girl, no.
Issa: It's not like we fucking, not even a little bit. I mean, has the thought crossed my mind? Yeah. Do I think about it a lot? Duh. Am I thinking about it right now? No. Yeah. But it's more than that. We really started connecting and I just don't want to mes that up.
Molly: Then why you in his bed, bitch?

Molly: Look at us. We look like a McDonald's commercial.

Beat Kids guy: These kids have performed at Hollywood Bowl, at Disney Hall, at Randy's Donuts.
Issa: I've been to one of those places.

Issa: If you ever need a bitch to play the tambourine, I'm available.
Daniel: You're available?
Issa: For the right project.

Issa: This is the first time that there's nothing in the way of [Daniel and me] getting together. Isn't that worth exploring?
Kelli, Molly, and Tiffany: NO.
Issa: So y'all just going Greek chorus on a bitch?
Kelli, Molly, and Tiffany: YES.
Kelli: Dumb bitch!

Spyder: Are you watching This Is Us?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Issa: Don't you go nowhere, mirror bitch.

Molly: Wait. You can see the Krispy Kreme hot donut sign from your window! That's gonna be a problem.
Issa: Yeah, it already is. We're on a first-name basis. Rashad texts me when they hot.

Molly: But did you see these housewarming gifts I brought you? A foam mattress so you don't have to sleep on the floor like a little slave.
Issa: Okay.
Molly: A plant even you can't kill.
Issa: Is that a challenge? 

Molly: Oh, girl. We are better than this. Sex Chronicles?
Issa: What you got against cheap black love?
Molly: Okay, we need to start a trash box, cause you say you don't want to wind up in old shit, but you can't bring old shit into your new life. What are these? Old birthday cards?
Issa: I keep the cash and I keep the card.
Molly: Trash. Forever 21 earrings? 
Issa: They last forever! 
Molly: Trash. And you don't need all these mix CDs. Or any CDs.
Issa: Okay, wait. Those got a lot of Adele on them. And Lawrence made me those after our first date. 
Molly: If you want a fresh start-
Issa: Trash.

Issa: Who throws away Adele? Girl, you rollin' in the keep.

Felicia: Don't worry about Taurean. They didn't teach modesty at Morehouse.

Frieda: It finally happened.
Issa: Oh, you got that cat?
Frieda: No, I'm still on the waiting list. Ugh. It's political.

Issa: It's Nick, right?
Nathan: No.
Issa: Nelson? Nance...ford?
Nathan: I do look like a Nanceford.

Nathan: Y'all wouldn't shut up about these tacos, so I figured-
Issa: If you don't like them, please don't punch me.
Nathan: Aww, you got jokes. But you're the one picking up miscreants who start fights in Lyfts. I was defending your honor.
Issa: That's a waste of time, cause I have no honor.

Nathan: So what are we gonna do now? Get lunch while we wait for lunch?

Issa: Burbank? You been talking all this shit and Burbank's not even LA. 
Nathan: How's Burbank not LA?
Issa: Because it's literally not.

Issa: So this is Leimert Park, and it's like black everything. It's black businesses, black food, black art. Oh, and if you like barbecue, Phillip's is good. 
Nathan: Hold up. Wait. I'm from Houston, y'all don't know nothing about no barbecue.
Issa: Um, the mom from Family Matters eats there all the time, so I think we do.
Nathan: Oh, Mrs. Winslow's a barbecue expert now?

Issa: Since you claim to be a barber-
Nathan: Why I gotta claim, man?
Issa: You should get a chair at that barber shop up the street. They get all the bootleg movies first. I saw Dunkirk way before my family was like, "What the hell is Dunkirk?"

Nathan: Who is this corny motherfucker?
[cut to a bus ad with Chad's face]
Issa: Oh, shit, I know him! He is a corny motherfucker!
Nathan: But why he got the Bluetooth on? Who's calling him in the middle of the picture? It's like, doo-doo! "What's up, man? Yeah, I'm at the Sears portrait studio about to take this picture. Nah, I can keep talking."
Issa: Doo-doo! "Hey, yeah, I got a one-bedroom, one-bath, and you want my picture in a wallet or 8x10?"

Therapist: Can you speak to why not being a star bothers you?
Molly: Because I know what I'm worth. This is exactly why I left MJ&S the pecking order, the politics, the boys' club bullshit. And I just feel like I'm starting all over again.
Therapist: Molly, have you considered that maybe you'd be less frustrated if you focus on how you can be helpful, rather than where you should rank?
Molly: So what you saying? Calm down?
Therapist: Not quite, but-

Nathan:This just ain't what I expected. Like, y'all hood in LA is nice. Y'all got palm trees and Mexican people selling fruit.
Issa: Oh, it's dangerous. Have you tried that papaya? It's hella spicy.
Nathan: I'm saying when you in the hood in Houston, you in the hood.
Issa: Oh, this ain't the hood? I dare you to yell, "King Kong ain't got shit on me."
Nathan: King Kong ain't got shit on me! 
Woman: Shut yo ass up! My baby's trying to sleep!
Nathan: Damn! Was that a pineapple Shasta?
Issa: I told you. They don't play.

Issa: Truth or dare? 
Nathan: Dare.
Issa: I dare you to jump in the pool.
Nathan: Okay 
Issa: Naked. 
Nathan: Whoa.
Issa: No "whoa." You got me out here being all felonious and you can't jump in the pool?

Kid: Ooh, what y'all doin'? Eating tacos and kissing on the mouth?

Edited September 14, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Thug Yoda: I'm going to the Brenshaw Mall. 
Issa & Thug Yoda: Oh, shit!

Issa: I got your Coachella clothes.
Molly: Oh, and my sunscreen? I know I'm black, but cancer don't care.
Issa: Okay. I also got your floss - wax and bougie minted. And a dozen Cadbury Creme Eggs that I will eat myself.

Molly: Thank you for running all my errands. You should've quit We Got Y'All a long time ago. You make a much better assistant than my assistant.
Karen: I'm right here!
Molly: You're good, Karen. I'm just giving my friend some much needed validation.
Issa: I'm right here.
Molly: Girl, you know I don't mean that.
Issa: I don't know what you meant, but it's fine cause I'm glad I have this time off so I can help my beautiful, chocolate friend. -
Molly: And get me to Beyonce faster.

Issa: Hey, Trina. What can I do for you?
Trina: I got bed bugs. And they're crawling everywhere.
Issa: There are no bugs. You're hallucinating. Matter of fact, I'm not here either. I'm a ghost.
Trina: Oh, I don't fuck with ghosts.

Tiffany: Ooh, they got a bidet in here, y'all. Guess we French now. 
Kelli: Mais oui, bitch!
Issa: Airbnb all zay!
Kelli: Maybe you should Airbnb your new spot so you can make some extra cash.
Issa: Then where would I live? That literally makes no sense.
Kelli: You know who makes no sense? Or dollars? You.

Molly: Hey! That's how you do that shit! Shonda who? Oprah what? Beyonce ain't the only Miss Carter.

Molly: Hey, I'm Molly.
Julian: Oh, then I'm Percocet? What are we doin?
Kelli: Uh, that's her name. She's Molly. And I'm drunk.

Julian: So y'all want some real Molly?
Kelli: Duh.
Julian: You down?
Tiffany: Oh, I'm pregnant.
Julian: I got edibles. I read somewhere pregnant women can have 'em.

Kelli: I'm gonna fuck him, I'm gonna fuck him, I'm gonna fuck her.
Tiffany: You crazy.
Kelli: No, Janelle Monae made it okay.

Issa: What is wrong with me? I feel good.

Issa: Omigawd, your touch is sooo...touchy.

Molly: I'm Molly, and I'm on Molly. So that means I'm Molly squared.

Kelli: Holy shit, this is beautiful! Look at everybody with their beads and their fringes on! Giddyup, white girl!

Nathan: I ain't never seen so many barefoot people.

Nathan: I felt like I came on too strong last time. I do that sometimes. I didn't want you to think I was, you know, pressed.
Issa: What if I like pressed? Pressed is the best, I ain't never stressed, push it to the - omigawd, did I say that out loud? 
Nathan: Your smile like Crest, let me just finesse - that's all I got.
Issa: Omigawd, we're amazing! Yo, we should start a group and perform at Coachella.
Nathan: I play the triangle!
Issa: Yo, it would be so cool if Inglewood had something like this. Can you imagine? It would be so dope to just hose down a couple streets, make it a local thing.
Nathan: Yeah? What would you call it?
Issa: Ingle-chella.
Nathan: No. That's terrible.
Issa: Cocoa-chella.
Nathan: Yeah, because of all the chocolaty people!

Kelli: Who took my other waffle?!
Julian: You ate it before we left the tent.
Kelli: Oh, my bad.

Kelli: White folks just don't give a fuck!

Kelli: How y'all gonna just take our spot? 
Man: There's no saving spots. 
Woman: Yeah, it's a field.
Kelli: And I'll bet that's where you'd like to keep us, you whole milk drinking bitch!
Woman: Calm down. All these first-timers.
Kelli: This about to be the first time you get chopped in the throat!

Kelli: I'm reclaiming my time and my space! I came with my friends to listen to white music! I'll bet you voted for Jill Stein!

Kelli: I pissed myself. Don't look at me. Remember me different.

Tiffany: Beyonce is a better mother than me! This closet is so well organized.
Issa: Tiffany, come out the closet. Molly, stop breathing so hard. Kelli, stop glaring at me like you want me to die.
Kelli: It's residual tase rage, bitch! It's an after-effect.
Tiffany: You mean side effect.
Kelli: Now who's a scientist? Bitch, shut up!

Molly: Why am I a zebra?

Kelli: I was so high I thought I got tased! Why do I smell like piss?

Issa: Tiff, did you find water?
Tiffany: No. All we have is vodka.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Issa: We shouldn't have to leave our neighborhood to have something nice.

Issa: I don't know what you just said, but you know who does? God.

Karen: I love baby showers. My boyfriend and I were talking about what our baby might look like. He's albino, so there's a wide range of outcomes.

Issa: I really like you, too.
Nathan: I don't always like people.
Issa: Me, neither. People are trash.

Issa: Girl, what's the problem? Andrew's cute! And he must really like you cause I would've thrown that jacket away and chalked it up to God.
Kelli: Which one is Andrew? Is he the black one or the Asian one?
Molly: The Asian one.
Kelli: Good, cause I been fuckin' the black one. A lot.
Issa: Okay, well, why aren't you excited about him? Is it cause he's Asian? Cause no judgment. But judgment.
Molly: I've dated outside my race before, but I know I want to end up with a black man, so what is the point?
Kelli: The point is, you are single. You are VERY single. 
Issa: Tell her.
Kelli: You are so single, a tumbleweed just rolled out your pussy. 
Molly: Everybody calm down. Listen, I don't have time to catch him up on the culture, teach him about red beans and rice. There are a lot of Jewish men who only date Jewish women, and nobody calls them out! So, why can't I be Orthodox Black?
Issa: Cause that's not a religion.
Kelli: Uh, speak for yourself. That's my religion.
Issa: Kelli, shut up. You don't even go to church.
Kelli: I go on important days! Like when I come back from Miami. The Lord knows I get turnt.
Issa: Molly, just try it out!
Molly: I don't care what you say. I'm not going out with him. Thank you.
Issa: Mmm. It's a shame to be all closed-minded and ignorant.

Chad: You know the bitch never used to make the bed? I had to. I ignored the signs. That's my fault.
Lawrence: You titty fucked two strippers. That's your fault.

Chad: Don't touch my food, please.
Lawrence: You can't catch [chlamydia] through fries.
Chad: That's what you say.

Derek: I feel good. Life is a fucking champion, and I'm gonna be a dope ass father, man. That's what's up.
Chad: I was gonna be a dope ass husband too, but you know, Leah was all over the place. That's why I had to cut her ass loose. 
Lawrence: Chad, she broke up with you. 
Chad: That's your perspective. 
Lawrence: You cheated on her. 
Chad: I apologized!
Derek: Lawrence, would you take Issa back?
Lawrence: Hell, no. I'm not mad anymore. I just can't not see her as a cheater.
Chad: Mmm hmm. Tell it.
Derek: Chad, didn't you do the same thing Issa did?
Chad; Yeah, but she a ho.
Lawrence: She's not a ho. She just did some ho shit.

Issa: Is it me or are there a bunch of people here we don't know?
Ahmal: Where the Henny fountain at?
Molly: You know your loud ass brother.

Condola: Serena, B, Cardi. [Tiffany] really went for it.
Lawrence: Yeah, I guess you gotta do it for the gram, right? Who's is this trying to be? 
Condola: I don't know. I feel like she's just trying to establish herself as an icon. I helped direct the Diddy White Party last year and it was subtle by comparison.

Edited May 7, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Chad: I'll come [to church with you]. There's mad bitches at church.

Issa: Girl, he buys you one taco and you bust it wide open on a ferris wheel.

Issa: I knew it! Who this bitch, Nathan? Oh, it's your mom? She looks young for 50.

Molly: You know this is crazy, right?
Issa: Girl, what is so crazy about buying fake desserts to bring to Andrew so I can see if Nathan's home? Low key, it's weird that you think it's weird.
Molly: You don't know what you saying. You out are here looking crazy in pajamas. You got me looking thirsty as fuck.

Issa: I hope we didn't wake you guys up.
Andrew: At 6pm? No.

Issa: What if he's not in there? Oh gawd, what if he IS in there? Just go in. He'll be happy to see you. Nuh uh, bitch! What if he's with someone else? He fucking better not be with someone else! What if we just take a peek? And if he is with someone else, then we gonna murder him in the dick.

Issa: Maybe I shouldn't have been so honest. Maybe it scared [Nathan].
Molly: If he gets scared off because you were too real, then why you want him, girl?

Issa: Guess who I drove in my Lyft the other day!
Lawrence: Who?
Issa: I'll give you a hint - he said I need a new barburator.
Lawrence: Thug Yoda? For real?
Issa: He caught me up on all the drama at the Dunes. This white bitch tried to move in with her parakeet. Miss Trudy killed her.
Lawrence: The white bitch?
Issa: No, the parakeet!
Lawrence: Miss Trudy don't play.

Issa: This is just like you and Safeway sushi when you swore that all sushi was trash!
Lawence: I was 27 and nobody one told me that I was eating beginner sushi.

Edited May 7, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Molly: What happened to Musiqal with a Q?
Issa: I still got the letterhead.

Molly: Girl, the double standard is real. For guys, it's all business. For women, it's shade.

Molly: I'll just do what a man would do - tell him he's pretty.

Molly: I still can't believe you ordered three tacos, a burrito, and a soul food platter.

Molly: You're gonna be real happy when I pick you up Saturday for your birthday surprise.
Issa: I figured it out. You taking me to Mexico for real ass Mexican food?
Molly: No, girl, I'm not your man.
Issa: See, that's just what a shady bitch would say.

Lawrence: Every woman I went out with was either demanding, needy, divorced-
Marcus: Relationships take work. 
Lawrence: Yeah, I know. It's like you and Mom, all right? Y'all met, fell in love, and got married. It was easy.
Marcus: You think Sylvia is easy? 
Lawrence: I just want to meet a woman without any baggage.
Marcus: What do you mean? Your momma and me had matching luggage. Then we put in work. Y'all kids don't wanna work.
Lawrence: Say your name for the voicemail.
Marcus: Marcus Walker. You gotta make your happy ending. That shit don't just happen. Goddamnit, I just recorded that whole thing as my message.
Lawrence: "Happy Ending" Walker. That's what they're gonna call you.

Molly: Issa, keep walking! 
Issa: Okay, where are we, though? Cause we drove too far to still be Inglewood. Wait, do I hear white people music? Bitch, you took me on a Beverly Hills shopping spree?
Molly: We are not dating! Just take off the blindfold.
Issa: You took me to a line. Is there food at the end of this line? Or is it just like a line line?

Issa: You trying to Annalise Keating your co-workers seems stressful as fuck, but good for you, girl.
Molly: Yes, and it will all be worth it when I'm back on the partner track and I can take you to Morocco. 
Issa: We ARE dating! You guys, this is my girlfriend!

Issa: Playtime's over, boy!
Lawrence: Kiss my Converse!
Issa: Sho.
Lawrence: Nuff.
Molly: Y'all are some nerds.

Molly: Tiffany made her the godmother.
Kelli: Now if she dies, I gotta take the baby.
Issa: Wouldn't Derek get the baby?
Kelli: Is that how it works? I hope so, because if I wanted a kid, I would've kept the last one.

Kelli: Girl, you can't be making jokes about death in a graveyard!

Kelli: Shit! All my sex ghosts are in this graveyard!

Kelli: Fuck you, Quantrell! Yeah, I'm talking to you! Fuck you, Quantrell! Wait. That ain't Quantrell. Hold this [drink]. I'm gonna holler at that Quantrell-looking motherfucker.

Lawrence: Are you rocking a purse?
Chad: It's my fiancée's purse. She didn't want to carry it in the porta-potty. This bag real leather. Shit's expensive. I know cause I bought it. Balmain, like Beyoncé. Y'all hear Michelle's getting married too? I'm happy for her.
Lawrence: Leah took you back? How?
Chad: The fuck you mean, "how"?
Lawrence: How'd she take your cheating ass back?
Chad: Disrespectful motherfucker. Like you don't know how love works. I did a thing, she forgave that thing, that's it.
Lawrence: How is that it? What, the Lord just led you back to Leah?
Chad: I wasn't about to start this couples shit all over again with someone new. What the fuck I look like?
Lawrence: So you bought her some flowers and a purse and then, boom, y'all good?
Fast Mike: No, no, he had to do a lot of begging, groveling, and whatnot.
Chad: You don't know what I been through. The aunties I had to apologize to, smoothies I had to blend. I done watched so much Project Runway, I could sew an A-line skirt.

Jared: I'm actually regional manager now. Yeah, I'm still at Enterprise. We still pick you up. 
Molly: Unless I call a Lyft. 
Jared: Yeah. Don't though.

Molly: I gotta get back. Don't want to miss the beginning of my favorite movie.
Jared: You didn't get anything from the concession though.
Molly: Uh, you know what? I forgot. I'm fasting. Ramadan. I'm not Muslim, but I still want to respect it.

Lawrence: Hey, you know this [movie] still holds up.
Issa: It's sexist as fuck. But I love it.

Issa: Well, I'll see you at Indie Rock Nite?
Condola: Obviously.

Condola: I gotta admit, I thought maybe I scared you away when I told you I was divorced.
Lawrence: No. But wait 'til you hear about my DUIs.
Condola: Oh, like multiple DUIs?
Lawrence: You know, I don't like to count.

Issa: I should go. My neighbors made a noise complaint to me. About me.

Edited October 1, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Molly: I think you held all your power in your hair and now it's gone.
Andrew: Or maybe only fucking nerds are good at bowling.
Molly: That's what haters say.

Molly: I don't need to be friends with every bald-headed person at work.

Molly: You know your neck's not long enough for these turtlenecks.

Issa: And so I googled persuasive tactics, Condola, and apparently, Condola, you just need to smile, give a friendly consensual touch, maintain eye contact, and repeat the person's name, Condola.
Condola: I have never liked you less.

Condola: Is [Issa] crazy?
Lawrence: She's crazy but she's not crazy crazy.

Issa: Hey, Ahmal, can you start putting the tablecloths on the tables? I gotta grab an extension cord.
Ahmal: Fine, but don't forget I've got carpal tunnel and I gotta DJ tonight.
Issa: You're just pressing play. Calm down.

Issa: What if, just hypothetically, what if you met an amazing woman and that amazing woman just, out of the blue, was dating your ex? Just hypothetically. Would you try to make it work or walk away?
Kelli: That happened to me. She's in jail now. I framed her. But we still write.
Issa: So y'all are like pen pals?
Kelli: Renee is cool.

Tiffany: One of your portapotties is broken and people gotta pee.
Issa: How did it break?
Tiffany: You don't want to know. I tried to calm the line down but they getting feisty. They talking about they want a refund.
Issa: For a free event?

Tiffany: I'm really, really proud of you. I don't know [why I'm crying]. It's the hormones. I'm sorry. I don't even care that much [about the block party]. I'm sorry. That was mean. That's the hormones too.
Kelli: We are so impressed with you out here being inspirational and shit, looking like Simone Biiles but like a little clumsy.

Molly: You know your life don't have to be this messy, right? Sometimes I think you like that shit.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Tiffany: My client said they can sll you the wine wholesale so stat thinking of a thank you gift.
Issa: Omigawd, thank you, Tiffany! I got a warm case of water in my trunk.
Tiffany: You'll have to do better.

Kelli: Asian bae with the samurai dick!
Molly: Samurai are Japanese, racist.
Kelli: Mmm, prove it.

Molly: It's weird. It's all good sex and witty banter but-
Issa: Hold up, he dicks you down, makes you laugh, and he don't work at the airport? What's the problem? Cause I don't hear it.

Kelli: I'm with Issa. Who wants to sit around and listen to a grown man talking about his feelings? You know what I want? I want me a mime with a big dick.

Lawrence: Never trust a dude with two dead teeth.

Chad: I don't like this. Condola talking to old girl about you. They're going to start a podcast about your dick. Shut it down. You didn't get the cauliflower crust? Come on, man.

Lawrence: Derek, would you be cool with this shit?
Derek: Fuck no. But shit wouldn't happen to me cause I keep my shit tight. Every time I break up with a girl, I move. I miss Dallas.

Chad: Look at all this gluten.
Lawrence: It's oil.
Chad: It's gluten.
Lawrence: Just eat it.

Issa: I'm going to wear my business Chucks.

Molly: My gumbo is bomb. I throw down. Or throw out cause low key this is the third roux I've made. Why you gotta stir it so much?

Molly: I'm black. I got about eight uncles that have hypertension. I know when something has too much salt in it.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Chad: I get to spend more time with Leah. That's the silver lining. Speaking of, I finally saw Silver Linings Playbook. Whatever happened to Bradley Cooper? He fell off after Limitless.

Chad: You need to upgrade your shit, by the way. Stop embarrassing Condola driving around in your daddy's old Jaguar.
Lawrence: She doesn't care about that shit, man. We're good.
Chad: Yeah, I know y'all good. That girl got you on the path and everything. Meeting the Fockers and shit. Bradley should have been in that.

Lawrence: For the record, Bradley Cooper is doing great.
Chad: If you say so.

Lawrence: Are you watching Finding J-Kwon?
Issa: Yeah, I just took a little break. How did I not know he went missing?
Lawrence: Spoiler alert - they found him.
Issa: Oh, that's what we're doing? We're spoiling stuff again? Well, you know in Coming to America, they went back to Africa.
Lawrence: In Love Don't Cost a Thing, shit got expensive.
Issa: Well, the best man in The Best Man, he ends up being the worst man.
Lawrence: Okay, well in Set It Off, they all die except Jada.

Issa: Sorry I stole your spot. I just love it so much. The music is so easy to ignore. They play a lot of Macy Gray. I hope she's okay though.

YouTube video: Welcome to Fixing Sinks for Playas - teaching you how to lay that pipe. Now go ahead and grip that wrench tight. We about to bust something open.

Curtis: You dress like a swap meet mannequin.

Lila: Stanley just slipped on some loose gravy. It could have been worse but Jesus said no.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Tenant: You're required by law to give me and the dog I don't have 24 hour notice.
Dante: You can't be fucking up my airbnb money like this.
Issa: Dante, you can't airbnb your apartment.
Dante: I got a white couple coming down for the jazz festival. They gonna want water.

Molly: I think [Bennett] only dates Abigails.
Stacy: No, why? He's at a firm with negroes. There is no way.
Molly: Think about it, y'all. He went to Princeton undergrad. He plays guitar.
Felicia: Omigawd, he's been here two weeks and ordered six salads. He loves salad.
Stacy: He lives in Silver Lake too.
Molly: Boop.
Stacy: We lost him.

Molly: Did you find a spot?
Issa: I parked at the church next to the titty bar.

Tiffany: It's all a lie. They tell you childbirth is this beautiful thing. It's not. It's ugly and it hurts.
Molly: Girl, but you look beautiful now.
Issa: Yeah, you are glowing for real.
Tiffany: I haven't showered in three days. It's just oil. I'm gross.
Molly and Issa: Nuh uh.
Kelli: Yes, you are. Extremely.

Kelli: Can you Yelp review a maternity ward?

Kelli: Have you ever tried breast milk?
Issa: Kelli, just say you want to try it.
Kelli: Okay, judgey.

Issa: You are dead to me! No, don't hang up!

Edited May 5, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[link417]

When all the tenants are complaining to Issa at once, you can hear the “non-dog owner” say, “Who raised you?! You’re treating us like those people in Flint.” 😆 

[Empress1]

Issa's delivery on "Oh, you got saved?" had me rolling. Also I bet she and Kelli could have gone on their "I'm in the ballpark"/"not even in the game" analogy riff for hours.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Nathan: How you feel about tomorrow?
Issa: You know. Scared I shut down Market Street for no reason, that none of the artists will show up, and it'll be the one day that it rains in LA, but other than that, chill.

Molly: I don't think I want to go to this thing. I mean, what do you even wear to a block party in January?
Andrew: In LA? What you'd wear any other time. It is 75 degrees.
Molly: With a ten percent chance of rain! I'm not trying to get sick. 

Molly: I love [Issa] but I just don't really like her right now.

Andrew: We'll have fun [at the block party], so why don't you get dressed? We both know you're going to wear that leotard.
Molly: It's a jumpsuit, Andrew.

Kelli: We're going to do happy, sexy, then a jail pose.

Issa: What are you doing?
Kelli: My new beau Darnell is showing me Los Angel-eese. I faked an accent when we met and now I have to commit. Don't make it weird.

Issa: Where can I see the interview?
Reporter: On my YouTube channel.
Issa: Oh. What's it called?
Reporter: I haven't started it yet.
Issa: But you hired a full camera crew.
Reporter: I wanted to make it look official. 

Kelli: Hello, Ahmal.
Ahmal: I know. I saw you.

Ahmal: So, Kelli, remind me - what part of England are you from again?
Kelli: I am from Poppycock. It's in south central London just a biscuit's toss and a fanny away from Benny Hill. 
Darnell: Wow, sounds beautiful.
Kelli: I know. 
Ahmal: It does. One more question - what are your thoughts on Brexit?
Kelli: Brexit is boring. Why don't we learn about the American government system? What's that all about?
Darnell: Okay, so over here we got two branches of government. The first is the presidential branch. And then the second is the bank branch. It's called Bank of America.
Kelli: Oh, wow.
Darnell: It's like where they make all of America's money. That's why there's so many of them.

Tiffany: We gotta get you some ass. Or some dicks. What are you into?

Issa: Here are your gummi bears, your Red Vines, your flamin' hot limon chips, and your 25 slices of Kraft cheddar cheese.

Thug Yoda: Lesbian bouple moved in but they having problems. One of them fine as fuck. Want me to hook you up?
Issa: Still not gay.
Thug Yoda: Alright, take your time.

Nathan: Should [Quoia] be driving?
Issa: I don't pay her. I can't police her.

Darnell: Where'd your accent go?
Kelli: I'm from Philly!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Issa: Self care Sunday.
Mirror Issa: I'm sorry, what? Speak up.
Issa: I said self care Sunday. It's when you take care of yourself on a Sunday.
Mirror Issa: I know what that means. I read too.

Dina: Ain't nobody else I'd have as my bridesmaids.
Kindsey: Yeah, we been through it but we always have each other's backs. 
Issa: I love that. Ride or die.
Dina: Yup, except that one time Rahel put my wig in the dryer.
Rahel: Or when Kindsey oversauced the hot wings at my grandfather's repass.
Kindsey: Or when Dina fucked my brother.
Issa: ...
Dina: I really did do that, huh?

Dina: Why does your cactus look like a dick?
Rahel: No, it don't.
Issa: Why didn't you use the green?
Rahel: Sometimes cacti be brown.
Kindsey: Bitch, the bush?
Dina: I can't.
Rahel: They're tumbleweeds.
Instructor: Well it looks like someone's having a little trouble.
Rahel: Excuse me?
Dina: What's funny: 
Kindsey: She a artist. Fall back.
Dina: It's beautiful. It's a masterpiece. If we were painting dicks.

Dina: I walked into my bedroom, right? And he was passed out on the bed with an empty pill bottle in his hands. And before I was able to dial 911, he popped up and he was like, "I'm addicted to you. Will you marry me?"
Issa: That's terrifying.

Kindsey: What do you do?
Issa: It's hard to explain. I don't want to bore y'all.
Rahel: Girl, we drunk. Everything is exciting. Please share.

Issa: If I had to put a title on it, I guess I'd say I'm a cultural curator.
Kindsey: Damn, bitch. That sounds cool as fuck!

Lila: I'm just saying you threw a whole block party and you didn't even invite your mother.
Issa: Mom, you've told me repeatedly you don't like crowds of black people. 

Issa: So y'all gonna get married?
Lila: And inherit those twins? No thank you.
Issa: You don't want Keisha with alopecia?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Lawrence: Prosecco with a splash of whiskey.
Issa: Oh, that's not my drink anymore actually.
Lawrence: What? Since when?
Issa: Since I discovered vodka and prosecco.
Lawrence: Damn. Okay. Alright, well, I'll send it back.
Issa: No, no, no. Chill, chill, chill. I'm still going to drink it. Just let the record show I've changed.
Lawrence: Based on that fall, hell no.

Lawrence: I ran into Molly at the airport. She loves Full House.

Lawrence: What the fuck are crispy squash flowers?

Issa: Wow, [your apartment]'s so clean! More than just Lysol wipes. You got a cleaning lady?
Lawrence: Biweekly. Charlotte.
Issa: Well, well, well.

Edited June 8, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Issa: I guess I'm just irresistible.

Lawrence: Hey, who is this [singing]?
Issa: Let me check. Did I ever tell you about my friend Nathan?
Lawrence: This song is by your friend Nathan? Or is the artist called My Friend Nathan? Damn, I sound old.

Dr. Rhonda: Do you want to be right or do you want to be in a relationship?

[Issa calls Ahmal]
Ahmal: What's up? Is Stanley dead?

Issa: Long story short, Lawrence and I are are back.
Ahmal: Oh, shit, really? Does he know?

Issa: This has been very unhelpful.
Ahmal: Whatever, you get what you pay for.

Waitress: You sure I can't get anything started for you?
Issa: I'm okay. I'm waiting for someone - a friend. Well, we used to be friends. We kind of still are. Maybe. Hopefully. She might hate me. You don't care. Y'all have smoked salmon?
Waitress: Can I get you some alcohol, sis?
Issa: Yes. Two mimosas, please, very light on the orange juice.

Andrew: I just know you miss [Issa].
Molly: The only person I miss is LaToya.

Travis: I knew something was up when [LaToya] came in with the white boy.
Stacy: Her "acting coach."
Rose Cranberry: So are you saying she was having an affair?
Travis: I ain't no damn snitch.

Quoia: I don't mess with bikes. I broke my pubic bone when I was 15 and I had to wear a diaper cast all sophomore year.

Issa: Did you just pull those out of your purse?
Quoia: Yeah, I'm on a high gluten diet. I'm trying to get thick for the weekend. You want one?
Issa: No, thanks. Actually, yeah, they smell good. How are they still warm?
Quoia: Hand warmers. It's like a little Easy Bake Oven in here.

Issa: You've never had guacamole?
Molly: You are literally from Houston. HOW?
Nathan: That shit looks like baby food.

Issa: How tall is Bernie Sanders?
Nathan: 5'7".
Andrew: 5'9".
Molly: He's 5'6".
Nathan: I win.
Issa: All y'all drinking. Bernie Sanders is six feet tall.
Nathan: Get the fuck out of here!
Andrew: Not possible. He screams like a very short person.
Molly: I'm seriously rocked by this.
Nathan: I'm going to measure him the next time I see him.
Andrew: How are you going to measure him?
Issa: Cause y'all roll in the same circles?

[DearEvette]

13 minutes ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Dr. Rhonda: Do you want to be right or do you want to be in a relationship?

I liked Molly's reponse to that quote: "Damn, Dr. Rhonda, read me then!"

My other favorite quotes from the ep:

Issa: “how is your nephew doing?”

Molly: “Which one?

Issa: “What do you mean?”

Molly: ”Oh, Jerome’s ex had the baby and left him with it.”

Issa: “But it’s not even his.”

Molly: “No, girl we have a whole ass stranger living in our house.”

 

 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Issa: What makes a flower a funeral flower versus a fun flower? I'm mainly asking for the price difference.

Lawrence: It's like I"m going to be a trolley nigga.
Issa: You got the job? Omigawd! Windy City, get ready!
Lawrence: That's Chicago.
Issa: Uh, no, Chicago's the Chilly City because it snows.
Lawrence: You went to school, right?
Issa: You want a congratulatory fuck or not?

Issa: Have your new assistant call my assistant. Actually, just talk to me because I haven't paid Quoia.
Lawrence: Black people! Stay not paying.

Andrew: Too short. Too happy. There. Yup, black turtleneck. Doesn't blink, uses his hands when he talks. That is definitely Taurean.
Molly: I gave you too many good clues. I should have never said he looks like the black Elizabeth Holmes.

Nathan: We want to sell products eventually back here and maybe give out haircuts to people who are unemployed.
Issa: So - me.

Issa: Oh, you got a lunch closet too? I had one at We Got Y'all.
Nathan: You really ate lunch in the closet?
Issa: And breakfast. I named all the mops.

Molly: I know I said I wasn't going to eat bread on the weekends but I feel like I just drank a whole loaf's worth of beer.

Kelli: There are five Guisados. Which one?
Issa: Wait, how much was the Lyft charge?
Derek: $6.43
Issa: [Tiffany] went to the one on Spring Street.
Kelli: Are you sure?
Issa: Six dollars, non surge pricing after rush hour? Yeah, I'm sure. I does this. Guisados is what, like two miles away?
Derek: 1.8
Issa: Told y'all. It's how I got that five star rating.
[Kelli gives Issa a look]
Issa: Four stars. It's in arbitration.
Kelli: That sounds accurate.

Guisados manager: Sorry, but I don't remember [Tiffany]. I don't really care about this job. I space out a lot.
Issa: It bes like that.

Molly: Is it possible to get the security camera footage?
Guisados manager: We're really not in the habit of doing that.
Kelli: Well, I'm not in the habit of being sober on a Saturday, but here we are, Ronald. Here we are.

Molly: Wait, wait, stop, stop! I think that's [Tiffany on the security footage].
Kelli: Enhance, enhance!
Guisados manager: What? This isn't Minority Report.
Kelli: Pan the camera to the right!
Guisados manager: It doesn't pan.
Issa: How does it not pan?
Derek: Get you a camera that pans, man!

Guy on bus: Psst. Okay, real talk - my inner black woman looks just like you.
Kelli: Okay, real talk - my outer black woman needs you to shut the fuck up.

Police: Did you assault [the bus driver]?
Kelli: I didn't but I can.
Police: You need to step back right now.
Kelli: Come on and tase me. I've been tased before. Tase me again. I survived.
Derek: I mean, Tiff said you peed yourself.

Issa: I got no sleep last night. But I heard that's good for you. It's like fasting for your eyes.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Cheddar Bae: I had to miss lunch for this big audition. I got a callback for the Simi Valley Junior College repertory production of Sons of Anarchy: the musical.

Rose Cranberry: While LaToya was missing, the inner city Los Angeles police department was able to find 22 missing white women:

Amanda James
Mackenzie Miller
Eiffel Cooper-Smith
Pisa Cooper Smith
Taylor "Baby" Edwards
Campbell Grace Winston (of the Michigan Winstons)
Becca Coleman
Lindsey Barnes
Jessica Sanders
Tara Crawford
Ashley Evans
Meghan Moore
Taylor L. Roberts
Karen Issues
Sarah Stopp
Heaven [No Last Name Given]
Madison O'Connell
Wendy White
"That girl from that murder show on AMC"
"Woman who fell down that well"
"Woman who doesn't see color"
"Woman who has black friends"

[DearEvette]

Tiffany: "Kelli, I know people throw around Ride or Die all casually, I know that you would actually die for me."

Kelli: "I would.  I would kill for you too...and Derek.  I would kill Derek.

------

Tiffany: "Even though Denver has one of the most unique city park systems in the nation, what it doesn’t have is you."

Tiffany: "Each of you is fabulous in your own way.  And though Denver has six professional sports teams… what it doesn't have, is you."

Issa: "She said that already."

-----

Chad: "I read somewhere Denver has 0.001 black people per capita.  So for every person there is only 0.001 black people. You 'bout to be a fraction."

----

Molly: "Oh, this is Dro.  Him and his wife had an open relationship so we kinda dated. We hooked up.  Like, a lot. Things got kinda messy but we good now."