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Primetimer

Sucky-Baby Makeover Freakouts On America's Next Top Model

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Wow, you weren't kidding. That was like watching a parade of toddlers who are weeping because they don't know they could really use a nap. Did that one heifer actually say "I don't want to be known for liking chicks"? Really?

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Yuuuuuup, she sure did. And while said heifer is objectionable, at least she came out and said it -- the rest of them were kuh-LEARLY thinking it and needed to be read for filth for it.

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As the seasons went on, these episodes became always doubly entertaining. The model meltdowns continued, but the makeovers themselves were bizarre just for the hell of it, and Tyra and company were so disingenuous at insisting that the gimmicks would actually help careers.

Who wouldn't cry a bit to be shaved bald, have eyebrows of all color bleached to look "icy," or (for the males in the last few cycles) to get actual chin weaves?

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God, the beard weave. ANTM reached new heights with that one.

Speaking of weaves: white girls with weaves. Every single time a white girl got one, it became a sad, ratty mess two episodes later. And they'd keep it on the poor hamster for at least a couple more episodes.

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So of course I just looked up the "beard weave" (er ... just because you smash words together doesn't make it a thing, TYRA) and my life is now complete. So thank you thank you thank you for that.

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I quit watching ANTM approximately 874 years ago, but one of the few great things about the show was when some little girl would cry and act a fool over getting her hair cut, then get the boot that same week. Sweet, poetic justice. And wow, did I miss out on beard weave! (Neither a beard nor a weave.)

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