Talking Schitt: The Quote Thread

[ElectricBoogaloo]

How did we not have a quotes thread until now?!

Alexis: Do I have to remind you of the time I was taken hostage on David Geffen's yacht by Somali pirates for a week and nobody answered my texts?

Moira: What you did was impulsive, capricious, and melodramatic. But it was also wrong.

David: Nobody freaked out when Alexis went missing.
Alexis: I don't go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time.

Alexis: You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag and that it was fake.
Moira: I didn't want you taking it.
Alexis: Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane sells fake bags on the down low.

David: I slept in the cab of a truck - overnight!
Alexis: Omigawd, who hasn't, David?

Edited June 18, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky editing after forum upgrade

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Bob: Gwen's nephew Eric here was looking for studio space. He draws Chinese cartoons.

Eric: They're Japanese graphic novels. It's called manga.

[The Crazed Spruce]

Hey, mind if I change the title to "Talking Schitt: The Quote Thread"?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Not at all!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

David: How can a moth get into a triple locked titanium suitcase?
Moira: The perils of owning cashmere.

Stevie: How do you know what cedar smells like?
David: I bought a cologne once in Japan. It's supposed to smell like the aftermath of a car crashing into a cedar tree.

David: This is really nice of you. Thank you very much.
Mutt: Yeah, well, I can't not jump in and help when I see someone doing something wrong.
David: Was it wrong or was it just unconventional?
Mutt: No, it was wrong.
David: Okay, well, I'm not going to argue with you because I need you to keep working. We're in too deep.

Edited March 12, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alexis: Imagine what kind of ring [Mutt] would buy. Like an opal or something.
David: Ooh, like a pear-shaped opal.
Alexis: UGH!

Johnny: [My golf clubs] were custom made.
Moira: So was my Galapagonian tortoiseshell footbath, and now some lonely hoarder is letting his cats poop in it.
Johnny: They're just things, Moira.
Moira: Yeah, designer one of a kind things.

Roland: I was thinking to myself, "Who can I trust to help me pick out a woman's blouse?" And do you know whose name came to mind?
David: Rachel Zoe?
Roland: Yours!
David: I don't know how to take that.

David: I take it you have her measurements and a mood board?

Alexis: There are so many drunk drivers around here.
Mutt: It's 10am.
Alexis: Mutt, you tell that to an alcoholic.

Roland: We need a top and we need a bottom, like a skirt, something like that, which I know you're familiar with cause you're wearing one.
David: Okay, these are pants that just so happen to have a pant fabric over the front and back. Okay.
Roland: Yeah, it's a skirt.

Roland: What about this? It seems durable.
David: In the fashion world, durable and elegant rarely go hand in hand so put that back.

Roland: Have you ever seen The Devil Wears Prada?
David: Obviously.

Alexis: You're judging me.
Mutt: I'm not. It's just riding a bike is a pretty basic skill.
Alexis: Mmm, is it though?
Mutt: I think that most kids learn how to ride a bike.
Alexis: Yeah, well, most kids also get head lice. Sorry if the opportunity never presented itself.
Mutt: What? There was no gap year in Belgium? No Tour de France boyfriend?
Alexis: Yeah, but I never had to ride the bike.

Alexis: Anyway, I have lots of skills that you don't have.
Mutt: I'm sure that you do.
Alexis: Like have ever had to negotiate in Arabic? It is very difficult.
Mutt: I believe you.
Alexis: And try getting into Kiss Kiss in Tokyo without a lock of human hair.

Roland: We'll take the funereal skirt. And the skanky blouse.

Moira: We are currently sleeping on a rectangular collection of knives and barbed wire.

Roland: You know, I'm starting to get the feeling that you're a little upset.
David: What would give you that impression?
Roland: Well, I first noticed it when Heart came on and nobody was taking the high parts.

Roland: You're like a fancy dinner plate that you don't want to nudge off the edge of the table.

David: Listen, I don't have a lot to my name right now but I do have one thing.
Roland: Self respect?
David: No.

Johnny: We've stayed at the Kennedy compound. This [mattress] can't be any worse than that.

Edited June 18, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

David: Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I've always been on the fence about it.
Alexis: I don't know.
David: What do you mean you don't know? You either like it or you don't like it.
Alexis: I mean, I like it because Jared Leto gave it to you and he was my first kiss but I don't know if I like, like it like it.

Roland: Do you guys want to see a card trick?
Bob: Ooh, I do.
Roland: Okay, first thing I need is a deck of cards.

Moira: Has it gotten worse or are you not wearing any makeup?

Stevie: To your first job!
David: Ooh my first job was actually a Gap Kids campaign when I was 6.

Edited June 18, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Wendy: Are those my mannequins?
David: Yeah.
Wendy: Well, where are they going?
David: I sold them on ebay. But don't worry. I'm using the money to buy other mannequins, ones that are a little less, um-
Wendy: Fun?
David: Porny.

Wendy: Now the candles - are they something we would sell at a blouse store?
David: No, those are just decorative. Scent is a really important factor in defining a brand. Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex's credit, Curve Pour Homme hasn't been the look since 97.

Johnny: Hey, look at us, son, a couple of working stiffs back from the salt mines.
David: What?
Johnny: Two men, back from the mines.
David: What mines? What does that mean?
Johnny: It's a figure of speech.
David: Um, I don't get that.
Johnny: The salt mines. Back from when people mined. When miners walked in the salt industry. They'd come home after digging salt. I don't know what it means.

Alexis: I have no money and an empty purse from two seasons ago!

Jennifer: Thank you for installing the ramp at the post office, but it's a little steep. I've tried it twice and both times I've been sort of shot back into traffic.
Roland: Yeah, but see, the thing with the ramp is it's kind of a momentum thing.

Johnny: Do you even know what a write off is?
David: Uh, yeah. It's when you buy something for your business and the government pays you back for it.
Johnny: Oh. And who pays for it?
David: Nobody. You write it off.
Johnny: Who writes it off?
David: I don't know! The government, the write off people!

Moira: I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an Artists Against Eczema benefit within the hour.

Ronnie: You're a pain in the ass but you get stuff done.
Moira: A delightful compliment.

Edited June 18, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Moira: Never assume, dear. It makes an ass of both of us.

David: Have you spent more than five minutes with the girl one on one? She could be a serial killer.
Alexis: Twy and I have tea together like every day, David.
David: That she serves you at the cafe.

David: So she's going to a bar to get laid then. I see.
Stevie: No, she is going to a bar to have her needs met by some lovely gentleman she's yet to meet who's cute enough to sleep with but not nearly mature or stable enough to marry.
David: I want that.
Stevie: Well you can't come because everyone will think we're together.
David: I think you're giving yourself a lot of credit.

Alexis: Is it hard for you?
Stevie: Is what hard for me?
Alexis: Being by yourself here. Like you're just totally okay to sit here all day by yourself?
Stevie: That's why I took the job.
Alexis: Mmm hmm. Okay. And while you're here by yourself, you never get this almost uncontrollable urge to talk to people or be complimented?
Stevie: I know everyone in this town so for the most part, I would rather be here by myself than engage in meaningless conversation with people I don't care about.
Alexis: Totally. Mmm hmm. And why is that?
Stevie: Because I enjoy my own company more.

David: On a scale from one to I'm going to get beat up by an angry local, where do we see this look fall?
Alexis: Easy six. Where are you going?
David: I am going to a sketchy bar on the outskirts of town.
Alexis: And nobody invited me? You know how at home I am at sketchy bars.

David: I'm surprisingly good at pool.
Stevie: Wait a second, is this like a reverse hustle where you say you're good but you're actually terrible?
David: I don't know.
Stevie: Do you want to break?
David: From what?
Stevie: Wow, this is going to be fun.

Edited June 18, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Moira: I was always impressed by those masquerade key parties at the Sarkozys'.

Moira: I've always believed that you lead with your best foot forward and the masses will follow.
David: You sound a bit like a dictator.

Stevie: If you expect me to drive you to work, it would be nice if you were ready on time.
David: I AM ready. I just have to get my jacket, change my shoes, and grab my bag.

Alexis: Look at you. It's like the Sons of Anarchy had a vet.
Ted: Yeah, except they don't wear helmets on that show which I get, but it's a little dangerous.

Twyla: It's a big business right now.
Alexis: What's a big business now?
Johnny: Raw milk.
Twyla: Shhhh! You would make a terrible drug dealer, Mr. Rose.
Alexis: You're thinking about becoming a drug dealer? I mean, I get it. It's fast money and no one would ever suspect you.
Johnny: I'm thinking of selling raw milk.
Alexis: Oh. I don't think that's right for you.
Johnny: But selling drugs is?
Alexis: Okay, I had a friend in Venice Beach who sold raw milk and his entire compound was raided. I mean, he also sold drugs, but like.

Johnny: Alexis, what am I going to do with $400 of raw milk?
Alexis: Sell it!
Johnny: To whom?
Alexis: To your customers!
Johnny: I don't have any customers!
Alexis: Well then why would you order so much milk?
Johnny: I didn't! You did!

Alexis: How many times do you want me to apologize?
Johnny: Uh, try one and we'll see what happens.
Alexis: Okay, I'm sorry you weren't more clear about ordering milk.

Alexis: It's just a checkpoint. I've been through tons of these in Johannesburg. It's like a drive through except everybody has a gun.

Police officer: You farm in that suit?
Johnny: When the weather's good.

Moira: I saw Jocelyn today. She looked very different. Mostly improved. Though I must say I didn't like the matchy matchy skirt and blazer. She looked like an aging stewardess from a Latvian airline.

Edited June 18, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Moira: I can't type. And I don't care to relive my days as a secretary.

Stevie: There's a bunch [of pictures] of you with OJ Simpson. And you with Robert Blake.
Moira: "The top eleven photogoraphs of Moira Rose with future murder suspects." Well, that's not what I'm looking for.
Stevie: Why were you on a paddleboat with Phil Spector?
Moira: And doesn't he look good? That was the one time he let me play with his hair.

Alexis: See, David? This is what happens when you wash your face with a bar of motel hand soap.
David: It's a zit. People get zits. I mean, I've always had clean radiant skin but I'm an anomaly.
Alexis: It's not a zit, David. I think it's just my anxiety clogging up my pores.
David: And forming zits.

[Alexis knocks her foundation on the floor]
Alexis: No! Omigawd! I need to save this!
[Alexis starts scooping foundation from the floor and putting it back in the bottle]
David: Wait, you're going to put that on your face after it's been on the floor? I don't even wear good socks in here.
Alexis: Okay, there are things going right now that you don't know about.
David: Like what?
Alexis: Like things that I can't talk about, okay?
David: I know about your dandruff shampoo.
Alexis: That is preventative!

Moira: Darling, I'm afraid you and I have arrived at an awkward moment in our parent/child relationship.
David: I'd argue that moment happens daily.
Moira: It seems there are some nude photographs of me on the internet and I would like you to search for them.
David: That's a real quick no. You can ask literally anyone else.
Moira: I tried to ask Stevie but her computer is several years old and apparently quite prudish. Someone has to find naked pictures of me. Better you than a stranger in a storm cellar.
David: Is it though?
Alexis: What's going on?
Moira: There are nude photos of me all over the internet.
Alexis: Are you sure you're not thinking of mine?
David: Nothing's coming up.
Moira: What search words did you use?
David: Your name and nude, three words I thought I'd only have to type if I was held at gunpoint.
Moira: Try effervescence. No, I'm sorry. Small umbrella. No, wait. Siamese eels.

Twyla: My Uncle Ken only has three fingers now which is too bad because he's deaf and he only speaks using sign language but he made his choices.

Ted: The amount of times that I've run into you in this place is like out of a romantic comedy.

Ted: I don't know if this is something you'd be interested in, but my secretary just quit and if you need the cash...
Alexis: That's so sweet but I would be uncomfortable accepting free money.
Ted: No, no, you'd be working, doing her job and I would pay you for it.
Alexis: Oh. But there would be animals around all the time?
Ted: That is what one can generally expect when working at a vet clinic, yes.

Ted: Have you ever worked as a receptionist before?
Alexis: That would be a no but I have dealt with a lot of receptionists before so I feel like I have the right temperament for it.
Ted: And how are your typing skills?
Alexis: Well, you've seen me text.
Ted: And how are you at spreadsheets?
Alexis: Okay, I'm just going to stop you right there. I'm loving this Q&A but I think what's important right now is my positive attitude. And I don't want to brag, but Us Weekly once described me as "up for anything."

Alexis: Ted wouldn't have hired me if he thought it was a bad idea.
David: Ted also proposed to you - twice - so I'd say Ted's decision making skills are a little suspect.

Edited June 18, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Fake Jan Brady]

Stevie: If you're talking about your body, I think you still look amazing.

Moira: Then allow me to offer you some advice. Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think "oh, I'm too spooky" or "nobody wants to see  these tiny boobies" but, believe me, one day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say "dear god, I was a beautiful thing".

Stevie: Will I...?

Moira: Mmmm. Oh, and make sure you SUBMIT those photos to the internet otherwise your own children will go looking for them one day and, tragically, they won't be there.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alexis: Who designs [scrubs]? What ever happened to empowering women's sexuality?
David: I don't think sex appeal is the guiding principle behind nursing uniforms.
Alexis: Obviously you've never been out for Halloween, David.

David: This is the first job you've ever had.
Alexis: No, it isn't.
David: Putting your name on a line of edible nail polish isn't what I would call having a job.
Alexis: I was very hands on, David. I came up with all the flavors by myself.
David: Even the one that poisoned all those people?

Alexis: It was about vacation days. You had mentioned two weeks so I guess I was just wondering how many two week vacations are available per year.

Edited June 18, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

David: There's a collection of undershirts hang drying outside of my room. Is there any way they could be removed? Or is there a Texas Chainsaw movie being filmed out there that I'm not aware of?

Roland: You're just a stuck up pencil skirt with clown makeup and a janitor's mop on your head!
Moira: You are an inexplicably cocky imbecile!

Edited June 18, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Johnny: I'm not pointing any fingers but if I find out you had anything to do with this, even though you're acting like you don't-
Roland: Well, if I find out that you're accusing me of doing something I didn't do, then I'm going to accuse you of making false accusations.
Johnny: Fine, but if you're denying doing something you might have done AND making me feel guilty for accusing you of doing something you claim you didn't do-
Roland: Is that a threat?
Johnny: I think so.

David: Something seems really sketchy about this and I'm not just saying that because I have a hard time with Australians. Lotta drunks.

David: If there's one thing I've learned from The Good Wife, it's never accept a first offer.

David: I have a question.
Johnny: Yes, your cologne is too strong.
David: I just put it on and it needs to breathe a bit.

Johnny: Ten thousand dollars to stop using the name Blouse Barn? I would take that in a second. It's a terrible name.

Moira: It's just so violating. How can one sleep knowing our streets are laden with thieves?
Ronnie: I don't know about laden. I had a newspaper stolen once.
Jazzagal: Two days ago, we had someone break our window. They didn't take anything but they left a dead bird inside.
Twyla: That's kind of like my aunt. She has a ghost in her house that keeps leaving dimes everywhere.

Alexis: You're not good under pressure.
David: And you are?
Alexis: Um, I'm sorry, were you picked up by the South Korean secret police on New Year's? I had to sweet talk the consulate's lawyer to get me a passport before midnight.

Alexis: Did you or did you not have a subscription to Cosmo Girl when you were sixteen years old, David?
David: ...No.
Alexis: Okay, David, if you have to lie, you should breathe out while you answer because it really calms you down.

Alexis: I know that we just met, but if Prince Harry trusted me with his life then I think you can too.

Alexis: Angelica Bloomfield of Rose, Bloomfield, and Glickman.

Moira: It's like the episode of Sunrise Bay where I stole my own baby.

Jocelyn: I'm barely sleeping. I can't get through an episode of MasterChef Junior without crying.

Edited January 14, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Johnny: You know, the Bloomfield kids used to throw their parents an anniversary party every year.
David: Mmm hmm, um, if we're truth telling, the Bloomfields were always a little too friendly with one another. I just don't understand what kind of family skinnydips together.
Moira: John, are you ready?
Alexis: Happy anniversary!
David: Congratulations on your ongoing love for one another! You did it!
Moira: Okay, kids, that's enough. You sound like the incestuous Bloomfields.
David: Have a blessed day.

David: I will have you know that that headshot got me a two episode arc on a tv series.
Stevie: What series?
David: Dateline. I played a boy who got abducted from a grocery store. And the performance was so riveting, people actually thought I was the Value Mart victim.
Stevie: Bet that got you laid,
David: It did. It really did.

Ted: You know, I am surprised that you haven't asked me to leave early today.
Alexis: Are you telepathic or something? Because I have been thinking about asking you that question every day this week.

Moira: Sort of a Lady and the Tramp meets 9 1/2 Weeks kind of dinner date?

Jake: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
David: Oh, I wouldn't either but I couldn't find a cocktail shaker and someone brought room temperature vodka.
Jake: No, I mean Mutt made those ice cubes from well water so they smell like fish.

Edited June 18, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

David: I haven't bedazzled anything since I was 22!

Alexis: Okay, so I downloaded this app so clients can schedule their appointments online. It just saves me answering the phone.
Ted: Right, so then what will you do?
Alexis: ...Thank you for asking, Ted.

Mutt: [Tennessee and I] are just gonna get in our car and drive up the coast and let the road take us wherever it wants. No plans, no phones, no schedules.
Ted: Basically my worst nightmare.

Mutt: What's new with you guys?
Ted: Well, Alexis came home to a naked man in her bathroom.
Mutt: Cool.
Alexis: Um, no, it wasn't cool because he wasn't actually there for me which made everything awkward and uncomfortable for everyone.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

David: Who picked through my cake and only left the icing?
Alexis: Who eats the icing?
David: What kind of barnyard were you raised in where you just eat someone else's food?
Alexis: So you can share a boyfriend but you can't share a piece of cake?
David: I'm not sharing a boyfriend. Stevie and I are both dating Jake at the same time like sexually evolved human beings.
Alexis: In my experience with throuples-
David: We're not a throuple.
Alexis: When it comes to three people, David, there's always a favorite. It's just like how mom likes you more.
David: That's not true. And please don't include mom in an analogy about my relationship.
[Moira enters]
Moira: David, lunch today?
David: No.
Moira: Very well, I'll dine alone today.
Alexis: See?
Moira: See what?
David: Alexis seems to think you like me more.
Moira: Alexis, don't be ridiculous. That's exactly the kind of paranoia that makes me wary of spending time with you.

Stevie: I should go. Don't want to set a bad example for the rest of the motel staff.
Jake: I thought you were the only one who worked there.
Stevie: Yeah, that's another good reason to go.

Moira: No, I hear your concern. It's apparently just what geese do. No, it's not the town's problem. You're just going to have to watch where you step.

Alexis: You don't need me to work through lunch, do you?
Ted: Would that be to make up for the work you were supposed to be doing this morning?
Alexis: I took one tiny break to watch two episodes of Scandal with Mrs. McCreary while she waited for her dog.

Stevie: What if things get complicated?
David: What would make things complicated?
Stevie: Nothing. But the last thing we want is a situation where one person is breaking up with another person and that person is hurt because things have gotten complicated.
David: I'm starting to feel like I'm trapped in an Avril Lavigne lyric here and while I not so secretly love Avril and have paid very close attention to her battle with Lyme disease, um, I don't know why we're...

Moira: A heavy salad might as well as be a casserole.

Moira: You've never wanted to spend time alone with me. There, I said it.
Alexis: You never asked.
Moira: Bourdeaux, the trip I planned for the two of us.
Alexis: That was a wine tasting tour and I was seven years old.
Moira: You could have used the spittoon. That's what the other children did.

Alexis: What is your favorite season?
Moira: Awards.

[Johnny approaches the table with Stevie, David, and Jake]
Johnny: I take it will be dining together as a group tonight - or will you be taking turns?

Jake: I think we all need to be in this together. Now you've both been with each other and you've both been with me. Let's all be with us.

Edited January 14, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Moira: Sometimes your choices are less suited to a family's needs and more suited to a ponytailed lothario cruising down the Monte Carlo coast.
David: Or like Vin Diesel.

Moira: I think we can find a zippy little vintage something on budget.
David: Not dressed like that you can't.
Moira: You bought me this dress, David.
David: I know. And it cost twice as much as the car you want to buy. No used car salesman is going to cut you a deal dressed in archival designer silk.
Johnny: You know, he's got a point there, honey.
David: Yeah, says the moving target in the bespoke suit.
Johnny: Well I'm not going to be wearing just a suit today, David. I've got a ball cap I can put on.
David: Ohhhh.
Moira: David's right. But you know what? I could build an appropriate look to mimic the trappings of a workaday woman.
Johnny: And if you'll notice, David, no cufflinks.
David: Wow, I am blinded by the disenfranchisement. I wouldn't be surprised if they just gave you a car.

Alexis: I know that they are for the animals but I find that when I get tired, just one or two [pills] kind of help me focus.

David: The low energy bulbs you installed in the bathroom, I'm finding the light to be very harsh. [sees Stevie's all black outfit] Did someone die or are we going through a midlife goth phase?
Stevie: Someone died.
David: Okay, I'm just finding the bulbs to make my skin look very jaundicey.
Stevie: My great-aunt died.
David: Okay, I can't tell if we're still joking or not.
Stevie: I'm not.
David: Okay, and now I can't tell if you're playing into the joke or whether you're telling the truth.
Stevie: She was 78.
David: So you're not joking. Well first I'd like to apologize for everything I've said since coming in here today.
Stevie: Why? You didn't kill her.
David: I take it you weren't very close.

Jocelyn: Would you like to join us for a game of cribbage? We play every day at lunch.
Roland: That's right. And every Friday it's strip crib.
Johnny: Well thank God it's not Friday.
Roland: We can pretend.

Funeral director: I see your great-aunt has a sister.
Stevie: They haven't spoken in twenty years.
FD: And a stepson.
Stevie: He's in prison.
FD: And a cousin.
Stevie: Who's also deceased.
[David gives Stevie a look]
Stevie: What?
David: I didn't know.
Stevie: That side of my family has a bit of a reputation for conflict. And philandering. And fraud. And gunplay.

Stevie: So we're drinking to me not becoming an alcoholic?

Edited March 12, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

David: Oof, so many boxes.
Stevie: Most of them are filled with paperwork I have to go through so I'm just hoping I contract some deadly lung infection from the dust before I have to open another one.
David: I wouldn't really worry about it. I managed several galleries and never once looked at the paperwork. It either all comes together or it doesn't ultimately.

Alexis: I don't know why you didn't ask me first, David. I have my license in seven different countries and I have my F class.
David: Isn't that for transport trucks?
Alexis: Yes! I had a lot of people to move. Anyway, it's not a big deal. You just get in, you do what they tell you, and then you get out. And you wear your best hair perfume.
David: Okay, I don't have hair perfume and not all of us can flirt our way into getting a driver's license.
Alexis: You try parallel parking in a burka, David. No amount of flirting can get you out of that. Trust me.

Moira: Stevie, allow me to get you a pill. It's going to make you forget every one of these irrational thoughts for at least two days.

David: I'm going to need you to step out of the car for twenty minutes so I can do my transcendental meditation before I fail this test.

Alexis: People aren't thinking about you the way you that you're thinking about you.

Edited March 12, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

From S1:

Priest: Nothing says, "We'll miss you," like an excerpt from Breaking Dawn, one of Carl's favorites of the Twilight movies.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Moira: David, your inability to retain information that doesn't directly pertain to you might actually require medical attention.

Moira: They want me to put myself on tape. David, do you still have that camera? Go get it, please. And a drop cloth. And a ring light.
David: I could probably prop my phone up against some books.

Ted: Look at this filth!
Alexis: "Community center adds ramp."

Alexis: Who is this person? He looks like if Ricky Martin and Mark Consuelos had a baby.

Ted: Why should the person who is performing surgery on your pet have to have a six pack?

Ted: I did not go to med school to exploit innocent puppies as a cover for my extreme vanity.

Alexis: What about the bunnies that we have up for adoption? We can set up a little bunny cam and stream it live from our clinic. That is very popular with people who hate their jobs or are in loveless marriages.
Ted: Are those the people we want to be targeting?

Moira: But [Islands in the Stream] was my idea. John and I made David to that song.

Edited March 12, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[HotRats2112]

Moira: [singing in a foreign language over Islands in the Stream].

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Johnny: I might even let you drive the [golf] cart.
Stevie: Can you drink on the cart?
Johnny: Yeah.
Stevie: I'll get the "back in 15 minutes" sign.
Johnny: It's going to take more than fifteen minutes.
Stevie You have to give people hope.

Twyla: So, Mrs. Rose, I don't mean to pressure you, but I am anxious to know-
Moira: Understandably, yes. BLT, no bread.

Alexis: Did you know that you can still get mail?
David: Yes, I know about mail.
Alexis: No, but I'm talking about mail mail. Like a little man in a uniform with his satchel full of letters traveling door to door.
David: Um, that's a mailman and he comes to your house, you pay him, and he gives you your stuff.

Alexis: Don't take this the wrong way, but you've just been kind of hanging around a lot lately, which isn't a bad thing, but it's also not a good thing.
David: Yeah, it's just that the town only has so many ex-boyfriends to hand out secretary work.
Alexis: Um, first of all, I am an assistant, not a secretary. Second of all, Ted is not my ex-boyfriend. He's my ex-fiancé.

David: A lot of people have encouraged me to build on the skills I acquired as creative director of the Blouse Barn.

Alexis: This is sort of my thing.
David: I really don't think you can claim education as your thing.

Ted: We got some serious sac circles going.

Alexis: I can't go to college yet because I didn't finish high school. It's so embarrassing. I never should have taken that semester off, but I did meet Beyoncé in Mykonos so it was almost worth it.
Ted: Didn't you say on your resume that you did four years at UCLA?
Alexis: Yes, technically, if you consider Bel Air an extension of the campus, which everybody does.

Alexis: This might sound crazy, but I almost think I should finish high school.
Ted: That doesn't sound crazy at all. And truth be told, it took me a minute to finish high school myself.
Alexis: You're only saying that to make me feel better.
Ted: No, no, me and some friends, we just got in a car and took off.
Alexis: Really?
Ted: Yeah, we were following the American Idol tour. We missed a couple shows, but it's always the exact same set so no regrets.
Alexis: Um, I really wish you hadn't told me that last little bit.
Ted: That makes two of us.

David: Did you know that according to IMDB, Rosa Parks was in an episode of Touched by an Angel?

Stevie: Let's go get our golf sticks.

Edited March 12, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[HotRats2112]

On 2/16/2017 at 7:28 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

David: Yeah, it's just that the town only has so many ex-boyfriends to hand out secretary work.
Alexis: Um, first of all, I am an assistant, not a secretary. Second of all, Ted is not my ex-boyfriend. He's my ex-fiancé.

I love the two of them.  I know it's not a quote but wanted to state that.  

Alexis: "No David, YOU get murdered first, for once!"

[ElectricBoogaloo]

David: I can't tell what's more tragic - the fact that the only store in town is closing or that they've decided to display the fungal cream beside the cereal boxes.
Stevie: That's actually really convenient because I forgot to have breakfast and I'm running low on fungal creams.
David: I don't want to hear you say "fungal" again.
Stevie: Fungal.
David: It's like they knew what the consumer wanted and then ran in the opposite direction.

David: This store, in the right hands, could be very lucrative.
Stevie: And by "the right hands," you mean your hands.
David: Someone with faultless taste who understands what people want and need, and if those happen to be my hands, then-
Stevie: So why don't you do something about it?
David: I'm pretty sure telling them that they've driven their store into the ground might be rubbing salt in the wound.
Stevie: No, I'm saying that ever since you walked in here, you've been talking about how you would have done things differently so now's your chance.
David: Okay, your eyebrows never moved so I can't tell whether you're being serious or not.
Stevie: I think you should put what little money you have where your mouth is.
David: I do have a very good idea.
Stevie: What you lack in most things, you make up for in unsubstantiated confidence.

David: So I have some news.
Moira: Oh, David, I'm not sure I'm in the mood to hear about another sexual exploit. I'm sorry. Who is it this time?
David: I have actually been thinking about going back to work.
Moira: That's wonderful! You've received an offer?
David: Um, it's more of a plan for an idea of a thing that I will be working at.
Moira: Well that sounds less concrete.

David: OMIGAWD!
Moira: What? I'm simply asking questions.
David: No, you're not. You're just repeating random things that I've been saying!

Ronnie: Who wants a silver [Christmas] tree? The only people who buy silver trees are serial killers and single men over 40.

Jocelyn: So here's the thing about Marie Antoinette - even though I love to eat cake, I think I'd be pretty annoyed with her myself. I do see your hand up, Alexis. It's just that you probably haven't had a chance to catch up.
Alexis: Okay, it's just that she never actually said, "Let them eat cake."
Jocelyn: Um, well, that depends on who you ask.
Alexis: Well, I asked Kirsten Dunst who played her in the movie. That line was actually written years before Marie Antoinette allegedly said it. And Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs.
Jocelyn: Thank you for that contribution to the discussion.
Alexis: My friends used to call me Marie and that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry so there was like the whole "is she going to be a princess?" thing. Um, but it's also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were partying too hard.

David: I caught wind that Christmas World is moving into the general store. Just when I thought that the taste levels in this town were already scraping the bottom of the barrel.

David: It seems extremely off brand to support a disgusting big box store like that.

Moira: I was just protecting you. I'd say you'll understand one day but you don't enjoy children so perhaps you won't.

Alexis: I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson. Or like she stole it me from me and I stole it back.

David: I just find it extremely violating.
Stevie: Because your parents threw money at you.
David: Yes, they paid for everything. It's like a form of child abuse.

Edited March 1, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Johnny: "Tweet us on Facebook!"

Johnny: Hashtag. Is that two words?
David: No, it's not.

Jocelyn: I'm assuming you know why I want to talk to you today.
Alexis: Is it because I was texting in class?
Jocelyn: Uh, no, I want to talk to you about your paper. There are parts of this that sound like they've been written by someone else.
Alexis: Omigawd, thank you!
Jocelyn: No, no, no. I'm saying that I think it was plagiarized. Are you sure that you wrote this yourself?
Alexis: Trust me, if I could have gotten someone else to write this, I would have. I definitely wrote this.
Jocelyn: Okay, there are parts of this that make me think that is not true. For example: "We should begin by scrutinizing the duplicitousness of such businesses whose practices or lack thereof can only be described as untoward." Duplicitousness? I can barely say that. And untoward?
Alexis: Okay, yeah, no, I did not write this. Can I see? I didn't even choose this font. It's horrible.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alexis: I have been accused of plagiarism! Jocelyn thought I cheated because SOMEONE used words like duplexity and backtowards.
Johnny: Untoward.
Alexis: Whatever!

Stevie: You know that I think your business is a good idea, and you know that I mean that because I'm incapable of faking sincerity. I'm also just incapable of sincerity in general.

David: Okay, I'm going through it right now and I actually think I might have been the one that insinuated my business was a failure.
Stevie: Wait, you blew something out of proportion?

[Stevie holds up a joint]
Stevie: I found this under the bed in room 2 so do you want to take a break?
David: That's disgusting. Uh, and yes, yeah.

Patrick: I like the name Rose Apothecary. It's just pretentious enough.
David: Would we call that pretentious or timeless?

Johnny: Is it really plagiarism to take something your dad wrote and put it in your paper and claim it as your own?
Alexis: Yes, that's exactly what it is.

Jocelyn: I will admit that your thesis of "Why shop in-store when you can buy online?" was a little off topic, but still a really fresh take.
Johnny: Well, look at you, Alexis, acing your paper.
Jocelyn: Oh, no, no. Gawd no. I gave it a solid C+.
David: Oh, so she did write it herself.
Jocelyn: It was a noticeable improvement over the first paper.

David: Have you seen dad's coasters?
[David hands a coaster to Alexis]
Alexis: "Follow us on tweeters!"

[ElectricBoogaloo]

David: I'm pretty sure parents are supposed to put their children before themselves.
Moira: Oh, really? No. If airplane safety videos have taught me anything, David, it's that a mother puts her own mask on first.

Moira: If there's anyone at this fabulous little confab who knows how to work a room of fragile egos, it's me. I once hosted the non-televised portion of the People's Choice Awards.

Alexis: You know what I think would be really cute? Is if I had my own little label like under your label and I could sell festival wear and I could sell like hair feathers and body jewelry.

Roland: They have a special RANC cocktail. It's a sparkling White Russian. The trick is to get it down before it curdles.

Alexis: I was just about to sample the unisex Mennonite cologne on Patrick.

Patrick: There's a lot of stuff in here, David. You don't want to spend too much money up front.
Alexis: Yeah, that is not good, David.
Patrick: You have to be prepared to survive a full year without making any profit.
Alexis: Actually the textbooks now say eighteen months.
David: Well, what are the textbooks saying about curating a selection of products from local vendors and selling them on consignment in a one stop shop retail environment that benefits both the vendor and the customer?
Alexis: Well, I don't have my textbook on me.

Jocelyn: Do you want to order something to put chocolate sauce on?

Alexis: I may also need some more of that lip balm that I liked.
David: Unless you're planning on purchasing that lip balm, you're not getting the lip balm.
Alexis: Okay, it's called sweat equity, David. I learned about it this week. That's when you help someone out and then they give you lip balm or whatever else you might need in exchange for your time and energy.
David: I think you might actually need to break a sweat in order to earn sweat equity.
Alexis: Okay, what if I got Patrick to break a sweat for me? That's called outsourcing.

David: If you really want the lip balm that badly, there are a few things around the store that I could use your help with. Just an FYI, Patrick won't be there so there won't be anybody for you to flirtatiously boss around.
Alexis: I hate to break this to you, David, but there will always be somebody for me to flirtatiously boss around.

Alexis: [Patrick] hasn't even asked for my phone number which, in my experience, means that he's either newly married or he's gay, so if you're sensing a vibe or something, maybe that means that his eye is on somebody else.
[Alexis tries to wink]
David: He's a business major that wears straight legged mid-range denim. He's not into me.
Alexis: Well, it's either that or he's really into the store which, no offense, seems a lot less likely to me.

Moira: John, I owe an apology to you and to sober people everywhere.

Roland: I am 99.999% sure that nothing happened between me and your wife.
Johnny: I'm 100% sure and I wasn't even there.

David: I want you to know that no matter what anyone says, you will always be our first dad.

Edited January 14, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Moira: When did you date Sebastien Raine?
Alexis: They dated for like a month and a half and David got very upset about it.
David: It was almost three months - four if you include the month that he was seeing other people.

Alexis: Remember when he dumped you and you ate all those mall pretzels and watched Bridget Jones's Diary every day for a year?
David: It wasn't a whole year and I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels.

David: He's most likely wearing a very expensive sweater that doesn't look very expensive.
Stevie: Is he, like-
David: Really handsome like in a homeless-y sort of way? Yes.

Sebastien: Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, I'd love to polaroid you naked one day.
Stevie: Okay.

Sebastien: Let's walk. Creativity lives on its feet. Anything else is bull shit.

Alexis: So I have this quick little school form for you to fill out.
Ted: Sure. What is this?
Alexis: Um, nothing. It just says that I work here.
Ted: This is for volunteer hours, but you don't volunteer here. You work here.
Alexis: But I volunteer to work here.
Ted: Because it's your job.
Alexis: Okay, but I need these hours to graduate.
Ted: So it looks like you're going to have to find somewhere to volunteer.
Alexis: It's just that I thought that my community service hours would apply but they don't count because they're court ordered.

Ted: I work with some seniors a couple times a month.
Alexis: Wow, so cute. Um, it's just that I have a thing with skin tags and old smell so I might just need to think on it.
Ted: Tonight's going to be fun though - dance lessons.
Alexis: I'd have to touch them.

Alexis: Does Dot have arthritis? Because it looks like she's giving me the finger.
Joan: She has arthritis, but not in that hand.

Sebastien: While my therapist said I should never feel sorrow, I do appreciate your pain. And I want to explore that - maybe even physically.

Sebastian: I wanted to capture the real Moira Rose. Does the real Moira Rose live in a studio or the Palazzo?
Moira: I have and I will again.

Moira: I'd love to believe you but there's a big fat line between charm and bull shit.

David: You mean this memory card? I'd give it back but I don't think it'll be of much use to you. It accidentally fell out of your camera into my hand last night and then fell out of my hand into my drink and then I stepped on it a lot.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ray: Anything is within walking distance if you have strong legs and an unlimited amount of time.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Johnny: Alexis, I just got an email from your school.
Alexis: Okay, in my defense, I did not know he was a substitute teacher and basically nothing happened.

Alexis: That's the last time I take a pity selfie with Kelsey.

Stevie: It's nice to see you.
David: Are you talking to me? I'm not used to that level of kindness.
Stevie: Yes. We haven't seen each other in weeks so I was just saying it's nice to see you.
David: I'm going to ignore that passive aggression and instead lean into the fact that we're both working professionals now and momma Oprah would be very proud of us.

Stevie: Just so we're clear, your wanting to having a platonic sleepover at my place would have nothing to do with the fact that your sister has lice.
David: Yes, that is almost entirely correct.

Roland: Moira, I know that town beautification is kind of your thing so I know that you'll want to know that we're going to build a flower garden.
Bob: And it gets better.
Moira: I imagine it must.

Roland: I don't think you understand how rare it is for somebody to have something named for them in this town. I mean, yeah, the whole town is named after me and Bob over here, he's got his bench.
Bob: Bob's bench.
Roland: And Ronnie's got her rec center.
Ronnie: It's an outdoor tennis court and last year the net was stolen.
Roland: She's kind of underselling it. The rec center is a major hookup spot for the kids.
Bob: So's the bench.
Moira: As much as I would love to contribute to the population growth of this town by way of teen pregnancies, I must decline.

Roland: Before you say no-
Moira: No.

David: Okay, so if you wouldn't mind sorting these body milks by size, that would be great.
Stevie: Can you drink these?
David: Um, it's liquid moisturizer for your body so, um, no, you can't drink them.
[Patrick enters the shop]
Patrick: Did you ask if you could drink it too?
David: Okay, it says "body milk" on the label!
Patrick: You know, I told David that the label was going to be misleading but he insisted. What was it you said? "Anyone with a fiber of common sense would know that it's not actually milk."
David: What do we think body milk is if not milk for your body?
Stevie: Exactly.
Patrick: Stevie, right? I've heard a lot about you.
Stevie: None of it is true.
Patrick: Well anyone with a fiber of common sense would know that.
Stevie: I like him.
David: Okay, is this how this is going to go? Because we have way too much work to do today for me to feel attacked by way of an imbalanced social dynamic.
Patrick: Are you wearing a shower cap?
David: Alexis has lice and I am taking preventative measures.
Patrick: By wearing one of our hats that we now can't sell.
Stevie: Oh, he doesn't have it. I checked his head. I think the shower cap is more of a fashion choice at this point.
Patrick: But you're still living with somebody who does have lice so just cause you don't have it now doesn't mean that you couldn't get it tonight or tomorrow or whenever.
David: It's almost as if you want me to get the lice.

Moira: Who the fuck is Lucy Albion?

Johnny: Alexis has lice.
Moira: What? EWWWWW! I assume you've shaved her head. And we have to put a wig on her. But not one of my wigs! These have to be boxed now!

Alexis: It reminds me when I was in Bangkok, there was this amazing little resto-lounge that specialized in Tahitian food and scalp massages.
Ted: I'm not sure what's more disgusting - what I'm doing right now or the concept for that restaurant.
Alexis: It was a resto-lounge.

David: This is a lot nicer than I expected. For some reason, I pictured you living underground.
Stevie: In, like, a bomb shelter?

David: Look at that Sarah MacLachlan poster!
Stevie: Don't be dissing Sarah MacLachlan.
David: Who's dissing Sarah MacLachlan? I followed Lilith Fair for two summers.

David: Is that a soft yet affirmative indication that you miss me?

[David opens Stevie's refrigerator]
David: I just see two deshelled hard boiled eggs in a bag. Should I be scared for you?
Stevie: The vodka's in the freezer.

Moira: This particular little tribute was bought by my husband in an attempt to assuage my ego.
Jocelyn: And that would be different from the other times because?

David: I shouldn't have eaten those eggs.
Stevie: I can't believe I'm trapped under a blanket with you knowing you ate those eggs.

Stevie: Patrick offered to let you stay at his place.
David: Yes, because unlike you and I, he is extremely generous and has absolutely no ulterior motive.

Stevie: You seem flustered.
David: I'm not flustered. Maybe it's the eggs.

David: Am I reading this right?
Alexis: "The Moira's Rose's Garden."
David: So the garden is dedicated to a rose that Moira owns.
Alexis: I don't think that there are enough apostrophes.
David: I don't even see a rose in the garden.

David: What are these numbers for?
[David points to 4856 engraved under The Moira's Rose's Garden]
Alexis: It's mom's birthday, David.
Moira: Those are the last four digits of your father's credit card.
Johnny: It was a complicated order form, all right? There were a lot of fields to fill in.
David: I hope you got a really good deal on this.
Moira: It's by the letter so he paid extra for those apostrophe Ss.

Alexis: So when we die, are we all going to be buried here?

Edited January 14, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alexis: So weird. I don't remember posing for this [portrait].
Moira: Because you didn't. You were in rehab when we sat for this.
Alexis: I wasn't IN rehab. I was AT rehab - visiting Stavros.

Moira: I can't tell if this room is just very very small or if this portrait is very very big.
Johnny: Well, I think it's quite possible both are true.

David: Is that your juice?
Patrick: No, technically I think it's our juice because you took it from the fridge and didn't pay for it.
David: It's just that I normally don't share beverages with people.
Patrick: Really? That is shocking news.
David: Fortunately you look like you have a clean mouth.

David: Can I have my juice back please?
Patrick: No, you have a sloppy mouth.

Alexis: Omigawd, Ted. I passed. I got a 60 and a 65!
Ted: Alexis, those are the class averages. You got a 63 and a 68!

David: We're inviting a select group of VIPs and offering a 25% friends and family discount.
Johnny: Friends are getting the same discount as family? That doesn't sound right. What if your mother and I go in and buy something together? Does that mean we get a 50% discount?

David: The smaller, the better.
Moira: Rarely has that been a recipe for success.

Ted: I do love discounts. I had to delete Groupon from my phone last week. Three vacuums is enough.

Stevie: You'd think there'd be more of a market for oversized paintings of other people's families. Why does it seem like Mrs. Rose's eyes are following me?
Johnny: Oh, she paid extra for that.

Twyla: My mother's boyfriend wants to bring his secretary.

Patrick: How many people are we talking about?
David: Twyla's whole family so like 75.

Patrick: It looks like this soft launch is firming up a bit.
David: But it's not supposed to be firm.
Patrick: Well with this many people, it's at least semi-firm.
David: Okay, well, as long as it doesn't get hard.

Man waiting in line: Back of the line, bro!
Woman waiting in line: Hey, no cutting!
David: Excuse me, this is my store.  Who are you?
Woman waiting in line: I'm Darlene's cousin. Who the fuck are you?

Moira: I can't believe it. He's managed to create something in this town that's truly winsome. I would shop here, John, even without the nagging sense of obligation.

Roland: This says foot cream on it. What happens if I use it on my hand?
David: I'm sure your hands will be fine.
Roland: And it's like 50% off if Jocelyn and I both buy it at the same time?
David: Um, no. Have you been talking to my dad about the discount?

Jocelyn: I need to ask you a little question about this baggie of Joshua Tree tea. Is it drugs?
David: Uh, no, it is loose leaf tea.
Jocelyn: Because it smells exactly like-
[Roland takes a sniff]
Roland: Oh, come on! Wow! Geez, I didn't realize this place was a front.
David: It's not a front. That is tea that Mr. Hockney makes out of a greenhouse on his farm. Now that I've said it out loud, I might have to double check.

Ted: I got you a little something for passing your exams.
Alexis: Oh, Ted, you picked up a stick!
Ted: No, it's a pencil shaped like a twig. I got it at the store.
Alexis: Wasn't that sneaky of you? I will definitely try to use this. It looks very delicate.
Ted: It's a lot more expensive than I thought. I hate when stores don't put price tags on things.

Ted: Adult high five?

Edited February 7, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Johnny: I need you to work at the motel this Friday.
Alexis: EWWWW. Why?
Moira: We're all pitching in these days, dear, like communists or non-union actors.

Alexis: It's bad enough that I have to wear that unflattering black dress and the hat with the thing on it in front of people that I don't know.
David: Yeah, I'm not going. I was at your first graduation and it's not my fault that you weren't there.
Moira: We all have to go, David, unless you have some special excuse.
David: It's my birthday.

Patrick: Well, happy birthday! How old are we?
[David gives him a death glare]
Patrick: Do you have any plans for today?
David: I plan on popping a pill, crying a bit, and falling asleep early. So just a regular weeknight.

Patrick: Have you ever tried Cafe Tropical? I've heard people raving about how moderately edible the food is there.

Alexis: Another girl dropped off her resume this morning. Ted, have you read these? They're actually very impressive. There are people here who went to school specifically for vet stuff.
Ted: Yeah, well, formal training is usually encouraged.
Alexis: Well, I don't have formal training. This person assisted with surgery. Is that something that I should be doing?
Ted: NO! Gawd, no.

Alexis: I'm just realizing that wanting to come in and laugh at your animal puns isn't enough when there's, like, people here.
Ted: Those were genuine laughs?
Alexis: Sometimes, yeah.

Alexis: I guess I should go. I have my graduation tonight.
Ted: Well, it's only 11 and I am paying you for the day.
Alexis: I totally get that. I will stay until 4.
Ted: Day ends at 5, but sure.

Jocelyn: I have some good news and some bad news.
Twyla: Is the bad news that there is no good news? My aunt used to play this game with me a lot.

[David looks at the cake]
David: "Happy day Alex and Davis."

Edited February 7, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Moira: I have endured a cornucopia of trauma the last few years. I draw the line at living in a crime scene.

Moira: What did this gentleman look like?
Stevie: I don't know - like old. 
Moira: John old? Or old old?

David: I always knew there'd be a murder here eventually.

Johnny: Everybody just calm down. Nobody's been murdered.
Stevie: The old man in room four died alone in his sleep.
David: Why do I find that scenario even more bone chilling than murder?

Moira: Stevie, do we know how this man expired?
Stevie: Do I look like a coroner?
Alexis: I don't think you want people answering that question.

David: It feels like every time the motel sells out, someone dies.
Johnny: Uh, we've only sold out one night.
David: Exactly.

Alexis: So you and Patrick are sitting in his car last night, and you just leaned in and kissed him?
David: Okay, what part of this conversation don't you understand? 
Alexis: Okay, and he wanted that?
David: Yes.
Alexis: Like he told you that he wanted that?
David: Fall off a bridge, please.
Alexis: You gave me such a hard time for getting involved with Ted, and then you just French your business partner literally the second he peeks his head out of the closet.

Johnny: The motel is sold out and we're unable to remove a body and disinfect room four in time for check-in.
David: Okay, every inch of that sentence made me sick.

David: I'm going to need a roll of dry cleaning bags and some padlocks.

Roland: I saw a lot of dead bodies when I was a kid and I would say that I turned out pretty okay.

Alexis: Omigawd, Ted, hey! Um, was there like a pet massacre or something? What is with all these sad looking people?
Ted: Uh, nope, all these perfectly happy looking people are actually applying for your old job.

Alexis: Now, everybody, just so you know, I got a job here and I have literally zero interest in animals so you guys are already like way ahead.

Moira: The last time I felt this emotionally encumbered, I was playing Lady Macbeth on a Crystal Skies cruise ship during Shakespeare at Sea Week.

Patrick: One tea for you. One caramel macchiato skim, two sweeteners, and a sprinkle of cocoa powder for you.

Moira: How to get started. Um, I woke up yesterday morning with a spring in my step-
David: Start later, please.
Moira: I could never know where the day was-
David: Fast forward it.

Moira: David, I came here to be talked off a ledge, not pushed!
David: Can you imagine this [body] in prison?

Patrick: Can I ring that up for you?
Moira: I paid way too much for a wedge of brie last week so let's call it even.
David: I don't think it works like that.

Ted: I have to admit, Alexis, some of your questions were shockingly effective. I found it very telling how many people would just accept a cocktail from a total stranger. Who would've known that Paul was allergic to cats?

Patrick: When you kissed me, that felt like my first time. All the things that you're supposed to feel, I felt them last night.
David: Well, if we're being honest with each other, this is sort of like my first time, too. I mean it's not. I've kissed like a thousand people but nobody that I cared about or respected or thought was nice. So in a way, it's like we're both starting something new.
Patrick: Thank you, David. And hey, for the record, I also respect you and think that you're a good person.
David: Hmm. It's just I said nice person. 
Patrick: I know. 
David: Oh. I just need you to say nice person. 
Patrick: You're a good person. 
David: That's not nice.

Johnny: Welcome. Hope you're enjoying the cinnamon buns and vodka. We thought it was festive in a Scandinavian sort of way.

Edited January 14, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ahisma]

11 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Why do I find that scenario even more bone chilling than murder?

That was my favorite LOL — so perfectly David! 

I'll add Patrick:

I know I wasn't supposed to be listening to this conversation, but it's a small space and your voice carries so beautifully. 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

On 2/20/2017 at 8:27 AM, HotRats2112 said:

Alexis: "No David, YOU get murdered first, for once!"

For your viewing pleasure:

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alexis: So I'm thinking like season 5 Carrie Bradshaw, like super professional and polished but also like chill and flirty in an impossibly expensive sort of way.
David: You do know that this is your first day at Elmdale College and not Vogue, right?
Alexis: Hush, David, because Jocelyn said only her top students go to Elmdale.
David: I think that says more about Jocelyn as a teacher than it does her students.

David: Why are you waving a thermometer in my face?
Johnny: It's a pregnancy test.
David: Ewwww. What?

Johnny: It's a smiley face so I'm assuming it's a positive result.
David: Well, that's presumptuous.

David: I am not in a place right now to be emotionally available to a baby.
Johnny: You know, I'm a little disappointed in you, David. You spend a lot of time with Alexis. You could have done a better job looking out for her.
David: Okay, I'm sorry I'm not a condom.

Alexis: Um, hey, excuse me? I'm looking for the registrar's office.
Student 1: It's in there.
Alexis: Okay, I'm just a little bit confused because on the brochure, it looks like it's in a moss covered building by the lake. I'm guessing the quad is just on the other side of the building.

Alexis: Okay, hi.
Student 2: Sup?
Alexis: I am what this brochure calls a prospective student.
Student 2: Cool, so you're not enrolled yet?
Alexis: No, I am enrolled, prospectively. I was wondering if there was like a campus tour or something.
Student 2: Well, it wouldn't be much of a tour but yeah, I guess I could walk you back up the hall if you want.
Alexis: Okay, it's just that the brochure is a little bit confusing.
Student 2: Yeah, we couldn't afford in-house photography so we just used stock images. See? Watermark there. This is actually a still from Dead Poets Society.
Alexis: I feel like that's false advertising, especially considering what I am paying for these courses.
Student 2: Yeah, but you get free coffee and donuts. And an agenda. It's off by a day so I wouldn't use it.

Stevie: What's that? You've got a little red - is that a bug bite? Or a little mouth sized sunburn?

Jocelyn: You're probably wondering why I'm taking you out for tacos tonight.
Roland: Well, honey, you don't need a special reason for taco night.

Jocelyn: So Roland, you might have noticed that I've been on a real Dorito casserole kick lately, and there's a reason for that.
Roland: Besides wanting to keep me as your husband?

Alexis: Hey, so I've been thinking about what you said, and it is a big expense, but I think I can find a way to make it work.
Moira: What's happening?
Alexis: Dad's trying to get me to drop out of college.
Johnny: No, that's not what was happening! I thought we were talking about something else.
Alexis: What else?
Moira: Oh, he thought you were pregnant. 
Alexis: What? Ewww! 
Johnny: Well, we all did.
Alexis: Omigawd, that's so mean!

Johnny: A little past curfew.
Alexis: Ooh burn, David.
David: I'm sorry, I was processing Alexis' situation. 
Johnny: David, Alexis isn't -
Alexis: No, it's okay. I mean, have your fun now, David, because when the twins arrive, I'm going to really need your help.
David: Um, that's a hard pass.
Alexis: You're going to be so involved in their lives.
David: Mmm, your body, your problem.
Johnny: David, Alexis isn't pregnant.
Alexis: Okay, but just picture them as like, tiny little roommates whose tiny little poops you get to clean up!

Edited January 14, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Moira: I know all about being left in a lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Knows Benefit for Juvenile Rhinoplasty when she suddenly drops out due to "exhaustion." I had to be both puppet and puppeteer.

Jocelyn: I've got a list of three different numbers that you're choosing from and what would really be helpful to everyone - and when I say everyone I mean me - is if you could just nail down which one you're going to perform tonight.
Moira: The easiest to go with is probably "Shoes Glorious Shoes: The Imelda Marcos Story."
Jocelyn: Okay.
Moira: Never mind. I am going to dust off "Two Heads Are Better."
Jocelyn: The one woman Siamese twin play.
Moira: Yes. No. No, you know what? I'm going to resurrect "One Crazy Summer: The Patty Hearst Story." It's a tale of perseverance, much like your quest to bring asbestos back to the town.

David: You're going with "The Patty Hearst Story"?
Moira: Yes, I am. And what's wrong with that?
David: Well, didn't it have an ensemble cast of thirty?
Moira: Uh huh. And what was your father's review? "Twenty nine deadweights." So I trimmed the fat.
David: You didn't even play Patty though.
Moira: You know I did! The night Patricia Lupone ate that pre-show shawarma and I was asked to step in. I've always wanted to reprise the role.
David: I just recall that the show was very heavy on the footwork and at one point you yelled, "Line!" in the middle of a dance break. I just remember you practicing every day for seven months with that dance instructor that I ended up dating. Are you sure that you remember it all?
Moira: Skip Fosse once told me that when it comes to choreo, always leave some room for spontaneity.

Moira: I'm going to ease in with the machine gun ballet.

Roland: Just so you know, I'm obviously a beer guy but I've never been known to turn down a fresh bouquet of flowers.

Teen: I thought she was too cool to work here.
Alexis: I don't work here and I am really cool.

Moira: Do you think people would find it strange or even inappropriate?
David: Probably. I'll go plug in my hair straightener.

Edited March 8, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Moira: Alexis, I stumbled upon Ted in the cafe this morning. He sends his regards.
Alexis: That's nice. Um, what did he say?
Moira: Nothing, we merely exchanged familial smiles. He seemed quite taken with an older woman so I thought best not to intrude. 
David: I mean, that could've been anyone though, right? Like a mother or a close friend?
Moira: They were canoodling in the banquette for all to see so I'd be rather concerned if that were his mother, David.

David: Um, in other news, I recently discovered that I'm allergic to pitted fruits.

David: Okay, I have never heard someone say so many wrong things, one after the other, consecutively, in a row.

David: You might want to pay a little more attention to your daughter's life, if only to alleviate the weight of me having to deal with it every day.

David: Hi! We're all just hanging out before work? Was there a text chain that I wasn't on?
Patrick: Well, it's not exactly before work. The store opened about 25 minutes ago, so.
Stevie: But yes, there is a chain, and no, you're not on it.

Patrick: You know, David, one of the fundamental pillars of any successful business person is their ability to compromise.
Stevie: Hmm, I have to agree with Patrick on this one.
David: I don't think there's anything you HAVE to do, and I compromise all the time.
[Stevie laughs]
David: What? 
Stevie: Nothing, I was just remembering all those times that you compromised. 
Patrick: I was just thinking about the same things, because there's so many to flip through.
David: Okay, last week, I let you pick the movie we watched.
Patrick: You made me pick between two Sandra Bullock vehicles.
David: And you picked The Lake House which was the correct choice.
Patrick: Just so that you know, making someone choose between two things that you like is not exactly a compromise.

Moira: Always the closed book, our Alexis. Bless her soul.
Twyla: I've always found her to be pretty open about things.
Moira: A closed book that falls open the second you take it off the shelf.

Moira: Gossip is the devil's telephone. Best to just hang up.

Johnny: What's going on? 
Roland: Well, Erin Brockovich has just started her job at the law firm and she's not getting the respect she deserves because of the way she dresses.

David: If assaulting customers with the sight of a toilet plunger the minute they walk in the door is something that you consider to be an effective business strategy then that is a compromise that I am willing to make.

Moira: Before you go in, a bit of advice from someone who's been around.
Alexis: Okay, pretty sure we didn't ask you, but sure.
Moira: If and when you meet someone who catches your eye, hold his gaze. Then walk up behind him, trace a single finger down his back. And if he follows you into a dark corner of the bar, it's meant to be.
Alexis: Hmm, that sounds super embarrassing.
Moira: It was my go-to move many years ago, and it always paid off. And do you know who my last target was? 
Twyla: Who was it?
Moira: John. 
Alexis: No.
Moira: Cougar Mellencamp. But guess who drove me home that night? 
Twyla: Mr. Rose. 
Moira: Yes, you're right. And that car ride was better than any dark corner dalliance with JCM.
Alexis: Eww.

Moira: Shall I wait here for you both?
Alexis: Um, we're not in high school, so I think we're good but thank you.

Twyla: So I don't think I'm gonna need a ride home tonight.
Alexis: Omigawd, that's so great!
Twyla: Because I think I'm going home with a guy.
Alexis: No, yeah, I pieced that together.
Twyla: He plays soccer and he works at the quarry and we both have the same second favorite color.
Alexis: So important.
Twyla: Your mom's trick totally worked. I ran my finger down the backs of three different guys, and one of them turned around. It's a total numbers game.

Patrick: You know, I have to say, if we hadn't put these babies out there, there's a strong possibility we wouldn't have sold two of them today.
Stevie: And a brush.
David: But at what cost?
Patrick: The mark-up on the plungers is actually very good.

David: Fine, I'm terrible at compromise! There, I said it. Like Beyonce, I excel as a solo artist and I was also dressed by my mother well into my teens, okay?
Stevie: Let it out, David. Let it out.
David: I'm sorry that I just know what looks correct. And this situation is not correct! Toilet plungers on display at the front of a store is incorrect! Breath mints where the lip balms should be. Not correct! These mountaineering shoes that my boyfriend is wearing, looking like Oprah on a Thanksgiving Day hike, incorrect.
Patrick: I'm sorry, what did you just say?
David: I said the breath mints need to move.
Patrick: I think it was something about your boyfriend's shoes?
David: Um, I don't remember saying that.
Stevie: Yeah, no, that's what I heard.
Patrick: Well hey, my boyfriend doesn't like the shoes. I could take the shoes off. I mean, or not.
David: I don't remember saying it so you can do whatever you'd like.
Patrick: My boyfriend doesn't like the shoes so I'm going to take the shoes off.
David: Okay, before you do that, I just want to let you know that sock feet in a public place is also incorrect.

Edited January 14, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alexis: Oh, thank God. The internet says you're dead. 
Johnny: What? What do you mean? Who's saying that? Your mother's not dead.
Moira: I'm standing right here.
Alexis: Yeah, well, now I know, but it's weird cause they're still saying it.
Moira: So people are believing it?
David: Um, well, it doesn't help that Alexis just tweeted "Goodbye to a great actress" with a cool sunglasses emoji.
Alexis: Okay, I'm wearing sunglasses because I'm in mourning, David.
Moira: What is the source of this falsehood? And what photo are they using?
David: Unclear and primarily a headshot from the 90's so fresh and young and permed.
Johnny: So what are you saying? The entire internet thinks your mother is dead? 
Alexis: Um, well, not like the entire internet. It's not even trending which is actually kind of sad.
David: Mmm hmm.
Johnny: That's what you think is sad?

Stevie: Someone just dropped these off for you. I'm assuming you're not dead?
Moira: All right, consider this camel's back broken. Who sends pink carnations?

Roland: Johnny, I want you to be the godfather to my child.
Johnny: What?
Roland: Well, it's a no-brainer, Johnny. I mean, we're best friends.
Johnny: Yeah, but are we?

Jocelyn: You know, it says here that Moira was projected to be nominated for ten Daytime People's Choice Awards. 
Moira: Twelve. The most projected nominee to have never actually been nominated.

Alexis: Thank you so much for taking me out, David. I really needed it, especially after everything that's going on with mom.
David: Okay, is that the reason or is it because I'm on a buying trip and that means you get free samples?
Alexis: We make a very good team, David. You do the talking and I sample the merchandise. And speaking of, we might have to circle back and get more of these peanut butter things from those old farm witches. 
David: They were Mennonites, and I would put the peanut butter square down. We're about to spend the afternoon sampling a lot of cheese.
Alexis: Nom nom for us, David.
David: Never say nom nom again.

Alexis: Wait, Warner Farms? Does this cheese woman have animals on her farms? Like goats? Does she have goats?
David: Well, we're about to sample some goat's cheese, so I would imagine she has goats on her farm. 
Alexis: This is Heather Warner's farm, David. 
David: I know.
Alexis: No, like Heather Heather. Like Ted's Heather.
David: What? She's like 50.
Alexis: She's 42, and I know!

David: You know what? I can't have your personal drama storming over my business dealings right now so I think it's best if you got out of the car and walked home. 
Alexis: Walked home? That would take like fifteen minutes, David. That's absolutely not happening.

Johnny: So Roland, I've been thinking about your very generous offer to be godfather to your baby.
Roland: It's not an offer, Johnny. It's an offer you can't refuse.
Johnny: Oh, ha ha, Marlon Brando. 
Roland: Right, but from what movie? 
Johnny: The Godfather. 
Roland: No, from Casino.
Johnny: Okay, fine. It wasn't Casino. Brando wasn't in Casino.

Twyla: Okay, scoop of tuna on the Mediterranean salad for you.
Johnny: Thank you.
Twyla: And the usual fried chicken on a waffle, extra skin. I will be right back with the hot sauce and butter. 
Roland: Yes, and the gravy, Twyla, please.

Heather: It's just we're a family-run business and there's an apprehension about branching out.
David: I totally totally get that. We are also a family-run business. This is my sister. 
Heather: Oh, I thought you had a male business partner.
David: Oh, I do. She is an intern.
Alexis: Um, in training to be CEO of executive buying.

Heather: You know, there is something so familiar about your voice.
Alexis: Oh. No, people have told me that I just have like one of those voices.
David: Mmm hmm. Super generic and shrill.

Stevie: Oh hey, so there's a reporter outside asking questions. I thought you should know.
Moira: A reporter? Here? Now?
Stevie: Yeah, didn't you expect them to come?
Moira: Well, I thought it might be contained to the internet. Is there a scrum? How many camera crews?
Stevie: I think just one. Unless they all used the same van.
Moira: No. No, Stevie, no. This is not how I imagined my resurrection news to break. Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of podunk motel. No, that's not the headline!
Stevie: Okay, well I actually own this podunk motel and I don't know what choice you have.

Alexis: Ted is the vet that you said you were dating. 
Heather: Yes. 
Alexis: Okay, because when you said vet, I thought you meant, like, a war vet.
Ted: Yeah, no, definitely not a war vet. Damn these fallen arches.

David: The quiche is vivacious and that is not a word I use to describe quiche often but you know, when the time is right.

Moira: We need to get ahead of this, Stevie. We must craft the perfect spin that both proclaims I'm not dead and explains why I've been found here. We'll tell them you brainwashed me.
Stevie: Could you tell then someone else brainwashed you?
Moira: A cult. A cult. Our family joined a cult. There was a charismatic leader, 40 something, very sexual, had very long hair, longer than you'd expect, but it worked.

Stevie: This is your chance to tell your own story, in your own words.
Moira: Like we did during the writers’ strike.

Stevie: Honestly, would you rather be thought of as dead than living here?  
[silence]
Stevie: Mrs. Rose?
Moira: No, I know. I'm thinking on it.

Moira: Do you happen to know where the van went?
Stevie: Uh, yeah, apparently there was another celebrity death.
Moira: Oh, I'm sorry. Who passed?
Stevie: Um, you know that YouTube video of the giraffe and the kitten who are best friends?
Moira: Alas, I do not.
Stevie: Okay, well the giraffe stepped on the kitten.
Moira: Well, of course he did.

Alexis: Omigawd! As if this day couldn't get any worse.
David: What?
Alexis: Cuppy the Kitten's dead.
David: Oh my god, what happened?
Alexis: I don't know. I'm reading, David.
David: He stepped on her? Weren't they best friends?
Alexis: Okay, Kelly Ripa just tweeted she's taking tomorrow off. Hashtag RIP Cuppy is trending.
Johnny: Who's Cuppy?
Moira: Honestly, what kind of kitten befriends a giraffe?

Edited January 14, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Roland: Hey Ronnie, I need the combination to the safe.
Ronnie: It's your safe. You have the combination.
Roland: Okay, then I need the number of a locksmith.
Bob: I used a guy this weekend. Yeah, Gwen locked me out. By accident.
Ronnie: Roland, why do you need the safe?
Roland: I've just been to the baby doctor and I have some top secret information about whether it's a boy or a girl. Joce and I wanna keep it a surprise.
Ronnie: Your wife's pregnant in her 40s. How many surprises do you need?
Roland: It's kind of a Schitt family tradition there, Ronnie. Okay, I guess I just gotta crack this myself. It's either my birthday or Gloria Estefan's.
Bob: Anyway, moral of the story, I got a new keychain, and I keep a sleeping bag in the car.
Roland: Okay, turns out it's Gloria's. September 1, 57.

Patrick: What if we hosted an open mic night? I actually used to host one in high school. There was a little café around the corner from my house. It had a little stage in the back. Drew a pretty big crowd.
David: Okay, so there was a point at which you and some of your fellow amateur singer-songwriters would gather and perform poetry and songs? 
Patrick: Yeah. 
David: For one another? 
Patrick: That's right. 
David: Oh gawd.
Patrick: The occasional improv troupe would stop by. 
David: I'm feeling kind of ill.
Patrick: David, you can laugh now but an open mic night can be a surprising amount of fun. Worst case scenario, we get some people in the store.
David: Okay, no, worst case scenario, I watch improv.

Alexis: Okay, so first of all, I would like to thank you both for meeting with me today.
Stevie: Was this really necessary?
Alexis: That's a good question, and the answer is yes.

Alexis: The comment cards, for example. It's become very clear to me that you don't read them.
Stevie: They're just a placebo effect for people who feel the need to complain.
Johnny: You have to take those with a grain of salt, honey. Those cards are written by embittered people with way too much time on their hands.
Alexis: A lot of these are from mom. But some of them are from people who are trying to point out things - like you don't even have a website. 
Stevie: We have a website. 
Alexis: No. I looked it up, and it's just like a cartoon of a construction worker holding a sign that says "we'll be right back."
Stevie: So? It's under construction. And the phone booking system works just fine.
Alexis: Um, actually the phone booking system is confusing, and the woman's voice was aggressive and off-putting. 
Stevie: I had strep at the time. 
Alexis: Okay, I'm gonna offer you both a PR and marketing strategy pro bono. And if you're into it, we'll pull the trigger, we'll work on my contract and my salary, and then we'll get things going from there.
Johnny: Well, now's not the time to take our foot off the gas, Stevie, and if we have a publicist at our disposal-
Stevie: Would we call her a publicist?
Alexis: Um, I actually prefer to be called a freelance brand invigorator. I also have a super easy multi-step plan in place for the motel.
Stevie: That sounds intense. Maybe we should take a minute and think about this.
Johnny: Well, I don't think there's any harm in exploring step one of the plan.
Alexis: That's great, because step one of the plan was this presentation and we nailed it, so as your new VP of Marketing and Communications, I'd say we're off to a great start.

Jocelyn: You must think that this is silly, but keeping the gender of the baby a secret is a bit of a tradition in Roland's family.
Moira: I believe he said so, yes.
Jocelyn: It goes way back. Way, way back. Salem, Massachusetts, actually. Yeah, his great-great-great great-grandmother accurately guessed the sex of her daughter's baby and then was put on trial for witchcraft, so you would see why.

David: What's the permit for?
Patrick: The open mic night.
David: Oh, so we're moving forward with the open mic night then.
Patrick: Yeah, we're moving forward with it. People are pretty excited about it too. Did you know Bob does beat poetry in his spare time?

Patrick: So I'm sensing some apprehension.
David: No, I think it's, you know, it's not scary or embarrassing for the person you're dating to sing at you with an acoustic guitar in front of people. I think that's cool.
Patrick: David, you're going to be fine. It's just a way to get some people in the store, okay?
David: Yeah. Yes, for sure. I mean, if you are confident to put yourself and our relationship at risk like that, then I am 87% behind you.
Patrick: Good to know. So now the only question is do I wear my fringed vest? Or more importantly, do I wear anything under it?

Alexis: So Stevie, one other angle that I'm playing is focusing just on you. You're the hook - pretty country girl who doesn't care about big city things like dressing well or how she looks. We could rename the motel like Stevie's Place.
Stevie: Stevie's Place sounds like a shelter for battered men.
Alexis: Okay, well the name was just a jumping off point. Um, we could use your last name and call it the Budd Inn. And now that I'm saying that out loud, obviously we're not gonna do that.

Ray: Don't take it personally, Mr. Rose. It's probably because you didn't know what to do with your hands. Or maybe it's because your face looked like it tasted something sour.

Jocelyn: Where did you put the sonogram?
Moira: In the safe. And I wrote down the new combination on a sticky note.
Roland: Perfect. So where's the sticky note?
Moira: Well, the sticky note, I believe, is also in the safe. Well, that, I will admit, is my blunder.

Alexis: You're probably thinking like, oh, is my foundation off by a shade? Am I wearing the wrong top? And the bottom line is, maybe.

Alexis: Stevie, as VP and CEO of in-house publicity, growing the business is generally considered to be a good thing.

Stevie: The more we grow the business, the more money we make. And the more money we make, the more likely you are to take off and then I will be left here stuck with way more responsibility than I ever asked for.
Johnny: What would make you think I would walk away from this business?
Stevie: Aside from the fact that your wife talks about leaving every day?

Edited January 14, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Portia]

Quote

Patrick: David, you can laugh now but an open mic night can be a surprising amount of fun. Worst case scenario, we get some people in the store.
David: Okay, no, worst case scenario, I watch improv.

I thought this was a fun little dig at Dan Levy's father's roots.

[strippedhalo]

David: The last time I heard that, I was dating a birthday clown who painted my face in the night and was literally never seen from again.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

David: Why would Patrick [send me a giant cookie]?
Moira: That was my first thought. Celebrating a monthly anniversary seems a bit of a reach. But then Alexis informed us that this is the longest relationship you've ever had!
Alexis: Four whole months, David. 
Johnny: How about that?
David: Okay, this is not the longest relationship I've ever had. I had a very intimate connection with Tony for several years.
Alexis: She was your pen pal, David.
Moira: She was in a penitentiary, dear.

David: Patrick is not being invited to a barbecue. 
Alexis: Is he pulling back? 
David: No!
Alexis: Has he asked you about an open relationship?
David: Not yet. Anyway, everything is fine which is why I would rather not subject him to eating charred meat with this group of carnies.
Stevie: Carnies are people too.
Moira: David, could you just once embrace joy? Perhaps it's this nay-saying reticence that caused your past relationships to-
Johnny: Fall apart. 
Moira: Oxidize. 
Johnny: Oxidize.

Patrick: I think you might have an easier time of it and maybe a little bit more fun if you just learn to trust people.
David: The last time I heard that, I was dating a birthday clown who painted my face in the night and was literally never seen from again.
Patrick: Noted. You have nothing to worry about, David, and I can return these tickets to the Julia Stiles-a-thon at the drive-in tonight.
David: Let me see those.
Patrick: I agree, that might have been a little overboard.
David: Okay, first of all, let it be known that supporting Julia Stiles is never going overboard.
Patrick: Now I gotta go to town hall to get some signatures for our permit renewal, but don't worry, David. Unlike the birthday clown, I will be back. 
David: He was never found.
Patrick: Probably dead.

Alexis: So I wanted to get some advice, like girl to girl, cause you're always so good with boy stuff.
Stevie: So David's at work and you had nobody else to talk to?
Alexis: What? That's... So I got this message from Ted, and I wanted to get someone's, your -
Stevie: Mmm hmm.
Alexis: Your specific opinion before I replied. Okay, so this is what Ted sent this morning.
Stevie: "I'm more of a bagel guy," winky face?
Alexis: Keep in mind we haven't seen each other in weeks.
Stevie: Okay, so it was an accident.
Alexis: Or it was made to look like an accident.
Stevie: Okay. 
Alexis: It's a tactic, Stevie. You send someone a random text message to get their attention and then the next thing you know, you're talking again. 
Stevie: Who would do that? 
Alexis: I've done that. Like a lot.
Rachel: I did it last week.
Stevie: This is why I choose not to be in a relationship.
Alexis: Hey. Alexis.
Rachel: Rachel. Sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but that's like the oldest trick in the book. Texting a bunch of letters and saying your phone was unlocked in your purse. 
Alexis: Right? I used to text Zac Efron just like a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. Poor thing would be like buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.
Rachel: That's actually how my fiancé and I keep getting back together.
Stevie: Okay, Rachel, you're in room nine.
Alexis: Oh, actually we're just finishing up. Um, okay, so what do you think I should write back?
Rachel: Honestly, I don't know anything about your relationship but I do know that games only get you so far. Unless you want to end up like me, six months later, trying to win him back for the fiftieth time.
Alexis: Mmm, having flashbacks of Zac Efron.
Rachel: Isn't it easier to just be direct? Either way, you get an answer.
Alexis: You're like super smart and pretty in like a breezy, non-threatening sort of way.
Stevie: Another successful girl talk.

Roland: Come on, Johnny, you're talking to a grill master. Do you know that I've been given three different aprons because of my barbecue skills? Let's see, I've got License to Grill, I've got Working Grill, oh, and I have Grills Just Wanna Have Fun.

Johnny: And just so you're aware, this has nothing to do with me not knowing my way around a grill. I've watched many a personal chef flip a burger in my day.
Roland: I've got the perfect apron for you. Poor Little Rich Grill.

David: When you said that you were coming back, you just meant that you weren't coming back and that I would have to spend the afternoon searching for you on the train tracks and among various unmarked vans.
Patrick: You did that for me?
David: No, but there was a moment when I thought about doing it. 
Moira: David, blame me. 
David: Oh, I do.

David: There's no connection. It's just a long string of very bad luck and I don't know what kind of carnage I inflicted in a past life to deserve it. I must've been Dracula or a spin instructor.

David: Fine. He can come.
Moira: Excellent. And he's bringing his guitar. 
David: What? 
Moira: Well, it was mostly his idea, you know - in case there's a rousing fireside singalong.
David: No, I draw the line at singalong.

Johnny: Looking good, Roland! What time do you want to fire this baby up?
Roland: Uh, I don't know, probably about an hour before you want to eat.
Johnny: Oh, well, I was hoping to eat around 8.
Roland: Where are we, Barcelona?

Moira: How's the shop?
David: Thriving, which is shocking because as you may or may not know, I've struggled with group work in the past.
Moira: David, you are living an exciting new chapter in the book on tape of your life. And you did this all by yourself.
David: Okay, just so you know, that's not really a compliment, but thank you.

David: Okay, how did I not know that you worked at a Rose Video?
Moira: Well, let's hope that you continue to surprise each other. It keeps the relationship titillating.
David: Okay, please never say titillating when referring to my relationship. 
Stevie: Oh, can I though?

Patrick: David, I need to explain a couple of things.
David: Um, what would be the main one, do you think?
Patrick: Rachel and I were engaged, but I called it off before I moved here.
David: Okay, you know what? You don't need to explain yourself. 
Patrick: I think that I do.
David: No, I know you do, that's just what I'm supposed to be saying in the moment so please continue.

David: You stood in front of me and told me to trust people.
Patrick: I know.
David: When I was perfectly fine not trusting people. Not trusting people is what I'm used to. It is my comfort zone. But next thing I know, there's an oversized cookie on my doorstep and you are telling me that I have nothing to worry about.

Patrick: No matter how hard I tried with her, it just never felt right. And up until recently, I didn't understand why. David, I've spent most of my life not knowing what right was supposed to feel like and then I met you. And everything changed. You make me feel right, David.
David: That is quite possibly one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard anyone say outside of the Downton Christmas special.

Alexis: Okay, don't get me wrong, I feel super bad, and partially responsible because I invited Rachel to the barbecue but at the same time, he's been watching that show for three hours and my phone's in there.
Johnny: Well, you might have to go one night without your phone, Alexis. 
Alexis: Ugh!

Edited January 14, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

David: Alexis, do you mind telling your phone to fuck off? What's Bumpkin?
Alexis: What? Nothing. Give me that.
David: Omigawd, is this a dating app?
Alexis: It's an online social hub for rural singles if you must know, David.

Alexis: Ted can't know about this, David. Miguel's the only other vet in town and they have this like dumb rivalry.
David: When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all three Hanson brothers.
Alexis: This is different. I no longer need backstage passes to the Teen Choice Awards.

David: Omigawd, Alexis, I am suffering romantically right now and there was a minute when I thought I would never have to look at another dating app, and here you are shoving bumpkins in my face.
Alexis: It's Bumpkin with a wink emoji. He messaged me again. He actually sounds kind of chill, David.
David: What did he say? 
Alexis: "Sup?"

Moira: It's starting to remind me of Rose Video when your work consumed you and I would miss you so. Except now I don't have the jet and the free DVDs to distract me.
Johnny: Well, I don't know what to say, sweetheart. I still have most of the rooms to clean.
Moira: Would it be too much to ask the guests to clean up after themselves?
Johnny: Yes, it would. It's basically the only service we provide.
Moira: Very well. If lunch is canceled, I suppose I'll show up on time for Jazzagals rehearsal.
Johnny: Isn't that something you should be doing anyway?
Moira: Oh, there's so much time wasted off top, John. Yap, yap, yap. Do, re, mi. Lip buzzing until I'm blue in the face!

Stevie: I'm finding it hard to believe that you don't have the energy to go to a spa.
David: I know, I'm scaring even me. Why are we going to a spa again?
Stevie: Because you're having boyfriend issues and this is my reluctant attempt at being supportive.
David: Well, that's very thoughtful of you.
Stevie: I also have a Groupon which I was planning on using with Jake but I thought you might need it more so get up before I change my mind.

Alexis: It's just that there are like ten guys on [Bumpkin] and three of them are Ray.

David: So you're in love then. You're like falling in love with Jake.
Stevie: It's impossible to be in love with Jake. Only Jake is in love with Jake. He's just really good at celebrating my body so I'm keeping him around.

Miguel: How did you get so good at [pool]?
Alexis: You learn pretty quickly when you're in a Ugandan diamond smuggler's villa playing for your friend's freedom.

Alexis: I used to date Ted. 
Miguel: I'm sorry? 
Alexis: Ted Mullins? He's the veterinarian. 
Miguel: No, no, no, I know who Ted is. 
Alexis: Okay, cool, I just felt like we were being honest with each other.
Miguel: Wait, weren't you his receptionist?
Alexis: Executive assistant. And yes, but only for like a minute.
Miguel: But you guys were engaged?
Alexis: Umm, very briefly. 
Miguel: Uh huh.
Alexis: And just twice.

Moira: Oh, Veronica, once again, you reign supreme as the queen of the triple entendres.

Jocelyn: The next round is on us for our newest member. Lemonades for Moira and me.
Ronnie: And two cosmos for the baritone section.

David: So the lovers’ curry was a mistake.

Stevie: Okay, not to put any of the blame on you in this situation. Obviously Patrick should've told you he had a fiancée, but why didn't you ask him?
David: If he had a secret fiancée?

David: I think you're my best friend.
Stevie: You think?
David: Well, I can't know for sure because I'm realizing now that I don't think I've ever really had one.
Stevie: Okay, well, if we're being honest, I don't think I've ever had one either.
David: This would be a really sweet moment if what we had just admitted to each other wasn't so sad.
Stevie: Sadder? When you were in the bathroom, I finished the rest of the lovers’ curry.
David: Okay, you'll be sleeping in the bathtub tonight.
Stevie: I understand.

Moira: Oh, here's one. Isaac, 31, works on his family's farm. Certainly loves to take pictures of himself in waterfalls. Though harvesting crops does produce a nicely sculpted physique. "Looking for a hook up."
Johnny: Well, that sounds promising, Alexis. He's open for hooking up for dinner or drinks.
Alexis: That's not what that means. 
Moira: Okay, moving on to Jebediah. Comes from a large family. Oh, “not my kids.” That's a step in the right direction, Alexis. 
Johnny: Scroll down, Moira. 
Moira: Okay. Oh - “my wives.”
Johnny: All right, which way do you swipe to get rid of this one?
Alexis: Okay, give me my phone. 
Johnny: Oh, Alexis, look, you've just Bumpkined with Jebediah. 
Alexis: What? Eww! 
Moira: Oh, and now we're back to Ray.
Alexis: Eww!
Moira: How did Ray get such a beautiful bathroom?

Edited January 14, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Alexis: I'm sorry, did David spend four months earning a degree?
Johnny: Let's see what this says. Elmdale College. Alexis Rose, majoring in marketing and...
[David gasps]
Johnny: Looks like a bit of a typo.
David: PUBIC RELATIONS!
Alexis: WHAT?
Moira: No.
Johnny: Honey, obviously it's a bit of a misprint.
David: Is it though?

Stevie: So you're wearing a leather sweater in the dead of summer.

Stevie: Did you get that [bracelet] from Patrick?
David: I might have.
Stevie: So you waiting a full week to forgive him has nothing to do with the fact that he showered you with gifts and attention every day?
David: That is purely coincidental.

Alexis: Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?
Moira: Oh, always! Just not now.

Moira: As the Irish say, it's a cinch to mash the murphy where there's love.

Roland: Well, I'm gonna go ahead and file Ray's Ham and Clam Bake in the ‘twon't happen pile.

Moira: I recently heard of a small town in Scotland no bigger than a thimble that is making millions from a week-long singles fest. Now if an idea as simple as that can work for a people as infamously disorganized as the Scotch, surely we can aspire to something of equal scale.

Stevie: I'm going to do something uncharacteristic and ask your advice. Is there something off about the way that I look?
Alexis: Did someone mention the posture thing? 
Stevie: What? 
Alexis: Is it the utility shirts?
Stevie: No.
Alexis: No, okay, um, well, you should probably just go ahead and tell me what you meant then.
Stevie: Yeah. Um, so your dad got me a suitcase of makeup. And he suggested that I wear it every day so I'm having a really hard time not taking that personally.
Alexis: Here's the thing you should know about my dad - sweetest little guy, gives the worst gifts.
Stevie: Okay, well, that makes me feel a little better.
Alexis: Like he built David a basketball court for his bar mitzvah. 
Stevie: Oh, boy. Okay. 
Alexis: And unfortunately, the only way to, like, train it out of him is to show him just how wrong the gift is. Like, David forced us to watch him shoot at a basket for ten minutes until the ball hit the rim and then bounced back in his face. But it actually worked out perfectly because all David really wanted for his bar mitzvah was a nose job. They took the court down the next day.
Stevie: Huh.
Alexis: Oh, and also, he gave me a diamond tennis bracelet for my Sweet 16. 
Stevie: That's bad. 
Alexis: I know.

Edited January 14, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jocelyn: It's times like this I wish I had your eye for decorating and party planning. Roland's been trying to help me - offered up his movie posters, you know, but I just don't think that The Pelican Brief is festive enough for a baby shower.
David: Well, I'd have to agree.

Klaire: Okay, so me, Albany, Jitney, and Candy, we just needed to get away from the city for a bit and so Vice put out this guide to the most random cities in North America and we were like, let's hit them.

Klaire: I would love, like, a hot water, but if you could just let it sit so it cools. I just need to know that it was once hot. Sorry, I'm the worst.

Johnny: Can I ask what MADLY stands for?
Ricki: Mature Adults Dating Lovers, Yes!

Ricki: I just have to ask before the event, will you grant me access to your most intimate selves?
Johnny: No.

David: Jocelyn came in here this morning looking like Adam Sandler on a red carpet.

Patrick: Uh, also booze and fish, not ideal for a pregnant woman.
David: Yeah, well, she's one person and everyone knows you don't plan a whole party around one person.
Patrick: Maybe you do if the party is for her.
David: Says who? Fine! Worst case scenario, she grazes at the soft cheese station.
Patrick: Are you sure that she can eat that?
David: This is why I hate babies!

Klaire: Look, take your time. Just let me know by tomorrow.
Alexis: By tomorrow?
Klaire: Yeah, we're going to get a super early start, so make sure you find me before 2 pm.

Klaire: You can totally stay at my dad's place. He hasn't lived there for like 15 years. I think he started a new family or something. So it would be you and my dad's ex-wife. But don't worry about her. She's two years younger than us and like super chill.

David: Here's the thing, Jocelyn. When you asked me to throw this event, you were essentially handing over creative control. Considering our name is going to be all over this, I think it's important to streamline the aesthetic direction we're taking for tonight.
Jocelyn: Okay, well, I guess I could move some of the balloons?
David: That could be good. Yeah, we could move those. Maybe to the garbage? We're also going to need to drop cloth the interiors.
Roland: Okay, guys! Where do you want me to hang the piñata?
Patrick: I'm sorry, is that supposed to be a baby?
Roland: Yeah, it's pretty realistic, isn't it? I got it at the dollar store in Elmdale. I didn't even have to pay for it, honey. They just gave it to me.
David: Yeah, I don't think we can smash a baby with a stick tonight, but -
Roland: It's not a real baby, Dave.
David: The fact that you got it from the dollar store does make me wary of what's going to fall out of it though.
Jocelyn: Don't worry, Rolly, we're still going to play the diaper game.
Roland: Ah, good!
David: Hi! What's the diaper game?
Jocelyn: Oh my gosh, it is so fun! We played it at Mutt's baby shower.
Roland: Basically, you melt different chocolate bars into different diapers and then people take turns guessing-
David: Gonna stop you right there. I will literally do anything for us to not play that game.
Jocelyn: Well, I'm getting nervous because we're going to need some sort of entertainment, David.
David: Well, then, I will come up with some games that don't involve sniffing a diaper. 
Roland: You don't just sniff it. 
Jocelyn: No. You don't.
David: Omigawd.

David: Okay, is this vase movable?
Roland: Uh, no, that there is grandpa's ashes, and no, you cannot move it. It's bolted down. There's been a lot of urn thefts lately.

David: Okay, now this game is called sleepy mommy. Jocelyn's sitting on the couch. She's our sleepy mommy. Now mommy's had a very hard day with baby and needs a bit of a break. And that's where we come in. We're each going to take turns popping pills into mommy's mouth. Now unfortunately, these are breath mints. We couldn't afford actual benzos but the person that does get the most tranqs into mommy's mouth will walk away with whatever's left of the soft cheese station.
Johnny: I'll go! Boy, these have a bit more weight to them than the usual pills.
Roland: Well, you know, Johnny, that weight might actually work in your favor if you take into consideration the humidity in here.
Moira: David, why does this game feel vaguely familiar?
David: You invented it. We played it a lot growing up.
Moira: Oh! I can't remember playing.
David: That's because we got very good at it. I remember Alexis got one in from across the room once.

Klaire: So, like, she's telling me that she's going to Mexico and I'm like, if you're not going to Tulum then like where the hell are you even going? You know what I'm saying? 
Alexis: So where is she going? 
Klaire: Ugh, gawd. Cabo. 
Alexis: Oh my gawd, poor thing.
Klaire: I know, right? Like, what? Does she want to go smoke a blunt with Pitbull?
Alexis: Probably not.

Edited January 14, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Johnny: I may be looking elsewhere when it comes time for the pop out store.
David: He meant pop up store, right?
Alexis: Honestly, David, it took him two weeks to learn rollout, so...

Moira: That nudnick at the curling rink just informed me that they'll no longer be able to accommodate our Love Is Messy sloppy joe eat-a-thon.

Mutt: I'm happy to loan out the barn if it can be cleaned up in time.
Alexis: What happened?
Mutt: Oh, I asked a friend of mine to keep an eye on it while I was away and it must have slipped her mind.
Alexis: It didn't slip my mind. I just like didn't go. Is it bad?
Mutt: It made a nice little home for a family of raccoons. I had to evict them though and they did not go quietly.
Alexis: You are literally saving my life right now. I feel like I should help you clean or like water the plants or something.
Mutt: I won't turn down the help but you don't have to worry about the plants. They are very, very dead.
Alexis: Mutt, you're making me feel partially responsible.

Johnny: David, your face.
David: I know my face! I know my face! It's a heat rash or something. I look like the Phantom of the Opera.

Alexis: What's happened since you and Tallahassee left on your pinecone journey?
Mutt: It's Tennessee. I'm pretty sure you know that.

Edited January 14, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Moira: I just overheard three women with smoker's coughs discussing Sex and the City. The singles have arrived!

David: I just walked past three very raspy voiced Mirandas outside so I think the singles are here.

Patrick: Have you been going to the gym? Cause that looked effortless?

David: This is a box of dog sweaters that Alexis has asked me to drop off at Ted's for the pet adoption thing for singles week.
Patrick: So what's it doing here then?
David: I was just wondering what your day was looking like.
Patrick: I'm not dropping the box off.
David: Okay, but it would just save me so much distress.
Patrick: Oh, are you in distress?
David: Yes! The whole situation with Alexis and Ted right now is very awkward and cringey. Alexis told him she loved him.
Patrick: Wow. Good for her. It's not easy putting yourself out there like that.
David: Okay, sure. I just think it will be less awkward for all of us, especially considering that Ted now knows that I know that he knows, if you maybe took the box.
Patrick: I'm not taking the box for you, David. I still have to unpack all of these products for singles week that you bought.
David: Okay, then I guess I'll just take the box and go then.
Patrick: David, listen to me. What you're doing is very brave and very generous. And I don't want to add more stress to your day, but I love you.
David: Okay, so you just said that to me for the first time knowing that it would make my day more stressful.
Patrick: That's correct.
David: Because you know that I've never said that to anyone else aside from my parents twice and one time -
David and Patrick: At a Mariah Carey concert.
Patrick: I know. And I don't expect you to say it back to me right now. Say it when you're ready. It just felt right to me in the moment. You're my Mariah Carey.
David: That compliment could bring me to tears, but I'm not going to let it. I would like to thank you for all the wonderful things that you said. Would you mind just not looking at me while I take this box out of the room because I don't want you regretting any of the nice things that you just said to me? Look away, please.

Johnny: Well, we didn't do anything wrong here, right?
Stevie: I didn't.
Johnny: You're the one who put his phone on silent.
Stevie: Because you didn't know how to.
Johnny: Okay, well, I don't think it's helpful to be pointing fingers here.

Alexis: I used to think that my one special lock needed to be like super aggressive and come from a long line of Adriatic royalty or have a beard and be really into the woods. Then I realized that sometimes a special little lock can come along that you didn't think would fit because it didn't look or act like the lock that you thought you needed so instead of giving it a real chance you throw it away because it was too nice and it likes you too much and cared. And now that lock has found another key and you are so happy for it.

David: I would hardly call myself an expert on the subject - and by subject I mean genuine human emotion - so I am just going to tell you what I know and you can do whatever you want with that.

Patrick: Well, David, I've got to hand it to you. We've already sold half of our massage oils. It's like you're an oracle when it comes to the sex lives of lonely people.
David: It's a gift.

Edited January 14, 2020 by ElectricBoogaloo