SW Role-Play Thread (more fun than the real thing)

[BlackWidow]

So because things have been kind of slow on the show, we're going to have to use our imagination. Hence here we have the SW role-play thread. Take on a character, change your character, create a storyline, respond to someone else's etc. ( Of course we still have to follow the rules no doubt, so probably no talking crap about minors, or the broad-sweeping generalizations like 'all only children' or 'everyone in this religion',probably keep it silly and satirical and don't be too evil- but I would guess most stuff re the adults on this show is fair game unless the mod thinks we are out of control again, or if she thinks this whole idea is just plain wrong lol.) Anyway, it could read like fiction, it could read like a play where you put the character's name before what they say, however you want. I'll try to begin the silliness and see if any other brave souls wish to join in.

 

scene Janelle's kitchen, Meri and Janelle trying to hang out
, Christine bounds in

'OMG you guys, soooo good to see you spendinng time together, soooo good for the faaaammillee. I was just planning robin's baby shower, it's a surpri-iiizzzee! Just wondering if you guys would like to help?"

Meri: yeah, sure. I think I have decorations somewhere in the garage, feel free to help yourself.

 

Janelle: that's so nice of you, Christine. (silence)

 

Christine: well I was thinking, the cake is going to be almond buttercream -you know the flavor that kody and robin voted down for their wedding cake in favor of strawberry quik?annyyywaaaay, it's going to be greaaaaaaatttt! catch you guys later! (leaves)

 

Janelle: I like your napkin set , Mer.

 

Meri: You do?  You want them? I actually hate them.

 

Janelle: didn't robin give you those as a housewarming gift?

 

Meri: yeah. But I don't care, take 'em.  By the way, do you know whose night it is?

 

Janelle: No thanks on the napkin set, I was just trying to be polite, they're actually quite hideous. Gosh Mer, I don't even know whose night. Why, did you want to trade? I totally will if you want.

 

Meri:  No, I'm good, I just downloaded a new audiobook actually. If it's supposed to be me tonight, I'm going to claim sick and pass it to Christine. So not into this whole baby shower thing. My hormones must have changed or something.

 

Janelle: well, we probably only have to endure one more of these, unless....  (to be continued)

Edited November 2, 2015 by BlackWidow

[4leafclover]

Ok, I'll play.....

 

Janelle: "Well, we probably only have to endure one more of these, unless YOU bring Kody a young wife # 5 and she has more of these rugrats...."

 

Meri:  "Don't look at me, I'm totally not bringing any more wives to Kody, each new one takes more money away from my bank account.  I'm just focusing on finding myself a real man with his own money, not one who is a woman who likes to go catfishing."  

 

Janelle:  "Good luck with that.  I guess I should go and try to sell a house....Oh my hell, what am I saying?  I'll just let TLC pay me for doing nothing......"  

[algebra]

Meri: party at the Kardashians' tonight, wanna go?

Janelle: sure, you taking caramels? Who's bringing the beer?

Meri; Kim says her girls are bringing it. She wants to clear out Caitlyn's closet; she left a lot of nice clothes behind. We should ask Robyn, since she's got really long arms and legs. Kim says it's first come first served, we get our pick. She just wants it gone.
Janelle: Screw Robyn, Kody's given her a new credit card to use at Victoria's Secret.lets take Christine with us, and tell Robyn she has to babysit.

[BlackWidow]

(Robin calls out as she wanders in)

" hey aurorada'unbriana are at a friend's , Sol'mons sleepin' on kody , what're you guys doin' ?"

 

There are wine glasses on the table.

Meri: Oh hey robin, umm we're just having a glass of wine.

 

Janelle: (says nothing, has fake tight smile on face, takes another sip off the glass)

 

Robin: wull, guess I better go work on the cuh-lah-zit, can't be drinkin' n stuff.  (pats stomach)

 

Meri: yup, better not. Damn this is good wine.

 

Janelle: got that right, Mer.

 

Robin: Anyone wanna help me with inventory n stuff, it's kinda impor'int, yer part of this too and ..(continues whining)

 

Meri: Eeyyyeeeeeeee don't really feel like I'm up to it right now

 

Janelle (makes her own cell phone ring) "I have to take this" , goes in other room..

[4leafclover]

Robyn:  (Cries and stomps her foot), "This biznuss needs your help too Meri.  If you don't want to help, I'll tell Kody you're drinkun' wine and that you signed onto Match.com."

 

Meri:  "Oh, Robyn.....you know I can't help with that stupid website.  I have an appointment at the tanning salon and this time they said they could help me with my spray on jeans too.  Suck it up buttercup and work that fugly joory crap by yourself.  Hey Janelle, where's that other bottle of wine?"

 

Janelle:  "Shhhh....I'm on the phone!"

Edited November 2, 2015 by 4leafclover

[BlackWidow]

Robyn:  (Cries and stomps her foot), "This biznuss needs your help too Meri.  If you don't want to help, I'll tell Kody you're drinkun' wine and that you signed onto Match.com."

 

Meri:  "Oh, Robyn.....you know I can't help with that stupid website.  I have an appointment at the tanning salon and this time they said they could help me with my spray on jeans too.  Suck it up buttercup and work that fugly joory crap by yourself.  Hey Janelle, where's that other bottle of wine?"

 

Janelle:  "Shhhh....I'm on the phone!"

 

Meri : (slightly slurring words) for yer in-for-mation, missy, Mr Brown does not give a flying fig what I do on the internet these days, and you'd be well advised to mind your own effing business.

 

Janelle: (covers pretend phone conversation with hand) oh and robin honey, some of the pages on your closet are still screwed up. You basically can't sort anything by price or whatever on there, it's a mess.

 

Robin starts to go into a crying, whiny meltdown "Nobody cares! nobody cares 'bout sissorwives cuhlahhhzzit ,nobody keeeres about all-uh-us workin' on stuff together..."

Meri rolls eyes, takes another swig.

Enter Kody,  with the trying-to-be-all-serious-and-epic look. "Is everything cool?"

 

Enter Christine , arms full of shopping bags (for baby shower)  "OMG OMG, you guys can't be here! Kody, Robin , go!"   They leave.

 

Meri : I gotta pee.

 

Janelle: Christine, don't you think they are going to figure it out about the party if you call attention to the fact ?

 Christine looks around, sees it is just she and Janelle for the moment. "I know that, haha" says Christine. "I got the almond buttercream cake today too".

[4leafclover]

Meri:  "Well don't jus' stand there Chrissine, go and get the damn cake....I'm hungry!" 

 

Christine:  "Meri, now if I did that and there was no cake for the party, Kody wouldn't love me anymore and he would give my night with him to Robyn again.....oh wait........he would, wouldn't he......Ok, I'll go get the cake!"  

 

Meri:  "And bring that stash of medicinal weed that I know Mykelti has hidden in her closet.....haha, her 'sisterwife's daughter's closet,' now that's funny."  Head falls down heavily on the table as she passes out.

[BlackWidow]

Robin, calling from front door "Not like anyone in there keeres but wu're akshully talkin' 'bout names, prolly Bathsheba or Goliath! "

 

Christine: (calling back to her)  can you put a Y in the name, I love that! OMG I forgot to invite her to the party. Silly me.

 

Meri:  Yeah like Y for Y-oming (muttering to herself) dang it the spray tan is getting on the tablecloth.

 

(robin in background outside "I heard that")

 

Janelle: Mer, if you weren't so wasted I wouldn't say this, but...lose the orange tan, You're not Pam Anderson.

 

Meri: Neither are you....

[4leafclover]

Kody:  (from outside) "None of you are Pamela Anderson!"  ("darn it" he mutters under his breath).

[BlackWidow]

Kody:  (from outside) "None of you are Pamela Anderson!"  ("darn it" he mutters under his breath).

 

Four-ring circus soap opera, continued...

 

Janelle (under her breath) yeah that goes for you too, kody

 

Meri: Oh no, another couch session is scheduled today. Greeaaatt. Where is Christine?

 

Janelle: I think she took Robin to the mall or something. They really need to tone it down with the shopping, we only have 50 million baby clothes already she can use.

 

Meri: I just really don't feel like doing the couch session today.

 

Janelle: I got by for the longest time just sitting there and maybe saying one thing, you could try that.

 

Meri: well what I thought they were setting up to happen is kody and I will get remarried after the whole adoption thing goes through but now, I don't even know if that will happen or if I even care if it does. I mean, do you care if you're the one to get legally married next?

 

Janelle: I actually don't want that, I'm glad everything is in my name only. Christine told me the same. I'm fine the way it is. I mean, relatively speaking..the way it is...

 

Meri: People think everything is such a cluster-you-know-what after all thats happened but it's always been, really.

 

Janelle: Thanks for admitting that Mer, I mean, we could go over all the crap from early on in therapy, but to what end?

 

Meri: One of my famous lines' I don't see the point.'  Robin isn't going to go, Christine isn't going to go and we've all seen how useless it is to take kody to therapy.

 

Janelle: It's kind of funny that I asked you to go and I never bothered with asking him to go. I feel bad for Christine, she tries so hard and she doesn't have to. I miss the old Christine.

 

Meri: I do too. I just hope this isn't her 'new normal'. I can put up with a lot of crap but her new cheerleader for robin thing is annoying. It makes me worry what comes next when she gets over this.

 

Janelle: because you used to be robin's cheerleader?

 

Meri: I wasn't her cheerleader, it wasn't fake, I tried to be her friend. She's not like a terrible person but she is immature, maybe that's why kody likes her. Peas in a pod and all that. The awful thing is, beyond any kind of jealousy I might have had, is it makes me see parts of him I don't really like that I used to just blow off. And those are the parts robin probably likes. It's like falling out of love with both of them so to speak. He was different when it was just us three. I don't even know if it is her, or if it is TV.

 

(enter Robin and Christine, all giddy from shopping and having BFF time)

 

Robin makes pout face: "there's umm somethin' I wanna talk 'you 'bout, Mer that's been botherin'  me.. I heard about how how you hate the napkin set I gave you.."

 

Christine: "show topic!! BOOM!"

[AZChristian]

Meri:  Yep, I hate those ugly napkins.  They are in such poor taste that they remind me of you every time I use them to clean the toilet.  But if we're going to discuss it on a couch session today, I need to run out to the beauty supply store and buy some new mascara that's guaranteed to turn into eye boogers when I pretend to cry.

 

Robyn:  Oh!  I'm almost out, too.  Can you get me some, Meri?  I mean, once I bring the topic around to MEEEEEE and Da'unBriannaWhatsHerName, I'm sure to squeeze out a few fake tears.  I mean just screwing up my face that way is painful enough to make me face-cry!!!

 

 . . . 

[greekmom]

Meri, Janelle, Christine and Robyn go cake shopping for the adoption party. Enter cake shop.
Saleslady: “May I help you?”
Christine: “We need a cake for an adoption party.”
Robyn: “My husband is finally adopting my kids from my first husband who stole my purity.”
Saleslady: “I see. For how many people? Flavour of cake and icing?”
Janelle: “umm 60 people. You see we are polygamists. OUR husband is adopting her children.”
Saleslady disinterested: “Uh huh. 60. And type of cake?  Any inscription?”
Christine: “Did you miss that? We are POLYGAMISTS! We share the same husband!”
Meri: “Yeah I use to be legally married to him but we divorced so she” (points to Robyn), “can marry him legally and adopt her children.”
Saleslady: “yeah sure ladies, I got it. You share the same husband. Ok. Can we get on with the cake order?”
Robyn cries: “So you still want to sell us a cake? Even though…”
Christine interjects: “We are polygamists?”
Janelle confused: “Shouldn’t you be refusing to sell us the cake?”
Saleslady sighs: “Look ladies. I’m super busy. You all live in Vegas. Remember? City of sin.  You maybe polygamists but I am a polyamorist.  My WIFE and I share relations with another couple who are man and wife. I get equal time with all of them or just one of them.  And we live together. The guy cooks breakfast for us.  So what kind of frosting and inscription did you want for that cake?”
Meri under her breath: “Polyamory Shit. I should google that and see if I can join.”

[4leafclover]

Meri (looking around the bakery):  "You know, if you really believe in this polyamory crap...uh, I mean way of life, you should head on over to the thrift shop we go to and buy some inspirational signs for this place.  We all love 'em." 

 

Saleslady:  "Signs?  Like, what could they possibly say?  Love should be multiplied, not divided?"

 

Christine:  "Nooooooo, that belongs to us!  Maybe something cute like, I dunno, 'Love Between One Husband And Wife Makes For A Very Boring Life' or something like that!"

 

Robyn:  "Gee, I just had the best idea for My Sisterwife's Closet---cutesy SIGNS for every weird and whacky doctrine!  Come on sisterwives, let's go home and brainstorm!"

 

Saleslady under her breath:  "Idiots."

Edited November 2, 2015 by 4leafclover

[MarysWetBar]

Meri's cellphone rings as they are exiting the cake shop. She sees the number calling and darts around the corner into the lane.

Christine spots a hideous caftan with a wide gold plastic belt in the store window across the street and darts into traffic.

Janelle steps out and takes the force of the oncoming bus full on, barely losing her footing. She knows she can't afford real child care costs and hates to cook her own dinner so it was a necessary evil. Robin cries and cries and cries, thinking she just missed her opportunity to take out one of the wives with no blood on her own hands.

They all gather back on the sidewalk but hear a strange gagging sound from the alley. As they enter the dark alley, they see Meri...squatting behind a dumpster...a banana three quarters down her throat, cellphone camera strategically focused on her as she Skypes with her new bf Sam.

Edited November 3, 2015 by MarysWetBar

[algebra]

Christine's mother: "TLC called they are sending over the new contracts!"

Kody, Robyn, Christine, Meri, and Janelle, in unison: " SHOW US THE MONEY!!!!"

[4leafclover]

While at the same time, the mortgage company says "Show US the money!"

[algebra]

Extreme wide camera shot of cul-de-sac with generic MacMansions. It's dark. Lights out in all the houses.

Kody drives in, alone. Doesn't know why nobody left a light on for him, that's how he knows whose turn it is.

Trying to remember, he stumbles up to a front door, it's locked, nobody answers the doorbell.

Decides to climb in window, which sets off security alarms, ADT dispatches police to the house.

Occupants turn on all the lights, meet Kody in the hall with a loaded shotgun, at which moment he realizes he's in the wrong cul de sac, he runs out the back door and falls in the swimming pool.

Police arrive, Arrest him for trespassing, he claims it's all a misunderstanding, and they give him the bad news: you get one phone call. He says since he's a polygamist he should be entitled to four phone calls.

We leave Kody in jail, screaming about how he's being discriminated against and deprived of his civil rights because he's a polygamist

[BlackWidow]

(continued from Algebra's 'kody goes to jail' story)

 

Meri: well should it be whoever's night it was, the responsibility to bail him out?

Janelle: Bail should be divided (as opposed to multiplied)....

 

Christine: OMG Robin's in labor at the hospital !

 

Meri: Oh great.

 

Christine: I'm texting TLC right now, TV MOMENT ! (makes one of her weird shrieks.. runs down the hall)

 

Janelle: I'm willing to pay more bail money if I don't have to have him next Thursday, and it will be pro-rated....

 

Meri:  Janelle, didn't you hear about Robin?

 

Janelle: Yeah I heard. Look I wasn't there last time and she managed without me. Look, I'm just not good at these late-night, last-minute kind of things.

 

Meri: well, I can't be at the hospital AND the jail at the same time, can I? He's going to be super mad if he misses the kid being born.

 

Janelle: who says you have to do either? We could just let him stay there, it would be cheaper. He can watch the tape of it.

 

Meri: true.

Edited November 3, 2015 by BlackWidow

[algebra]

Christine: shrieking even more hysterically, runs into each child's bedroom , jumps up and down on their beds to wake them up "Robyn's having her baby! Robyn's having her baby!"

Truly, however, is sleeping so soundly that Christine's calisthenics cause the bed to collapse, she is sent flying into the wall, suffers a concussion and is rendered unconscious.

Noticing the sudden silence, the sleepy family members gather around and look at her.

Determining that she has finally shut up, they decide to go back to bed.

[algebra]

Robyn, missing Kody, leaves the hospital AMA to meet Kody at the jail. She is unable to post bond for him, however, due to her bad credit, so he gives her the TAG Heuer watch to pawn. Still in labor, she heads across town to the Gold & Silver Pawn Shop which is open 24 hours. Chumlee is pulling the night shift. "Let me call my buddy," he says.

By now, she's pissed.

She calls Meri, and tells her she will have to give birth in the jail, so Kody can cut the cord, but somebody needs to go pick up the midwife, who isn't old enough to drive after 10 PM.

Meri says she's had way too much wine, Christine is still unconscious, and Janelle said she's got to get up early and go to work so she went back to bed.

[SuzWhat]

Shit just got real.

[algebra]

Daylight. The cul-de-sac is empty. Truly wakes up first, realizes everybody is still asleep, including her unconscious mother, and tiptoes out.

Grabbing a box of matches and some charcoal lighter, she gathers up the three "adoption plaques" plus the collection of little characters her mother used to explain the courtroom proceedings, and heads out to the back yard.

Awakening, Ysabel sees what Truly is doing and joins her, bringing the pencil portrait of Kody and the Jessop kids

[4leafclover]

Meanwhile, back at the jail Kody can be seen holding up a sign saying "It's A Boy" to the other inmates, only to slyly bring another sign from behind the first one that says "It's A Girl."  Moans can be heard all over the community jail cell.....

 

Inmate #1:  "Somebody take those signs from that dude and wrap them around his neck." 

 

Inmate #2:  "No man, dude's cra-cra.  Keeps sayin' he has 4 wives, shouldn't be here, havin' a baby, yadda yadda yadda......"

 

Inmate #!:  "Four wives???  Yep, he's crazy alright.  He'll never post bail--those bitches gonna leave him here."

 

Kody:  "Leave me here?  No way!  Robyn's gonna call me a 'loryer' and I'll be outta here in a snap."  

 

Woman's voice can be heard screaming down the hallway...."Koooooooooddddddyyyyy?????  Where are you???"

[algebra]

Back at the cup-de-sac, Truly and Ysabel have quite a conflagration going, and are joined by the other kids, who join them with hot dogs and marshmallows.

Their mothers, after years of ignoring them under the assumption that one of the other wives is supervising them, fail to notice that nobody is supervising them, and proceed to rummage through MSWC inventory looking for something else to pawn.

On arrival at Gold And Silver Pawn, Janelle and Meri show the goods to the senior Harrisons. Rick looks the jewelry over. "Do you need to call your buddy to come look at it?" Janelle asks hopefully.

"No," says Rick. "But I'll give you ten bucks for it,"

"But Robyn told us it was all .925 silver! " exclaims Meri. It's worth much more than that!

"It's not silver at all," says the Old Man. "It's white copper. That crap ain't worth more than $2/pound."

"But Robyn told us she was having the pieces made in silver! That's why we had to put up so much money to have it made."

"Well then," says Rick. "I suggest you ask Ribyn what she did with the money. "

[BlackWidow]

 4 ring circus, continued...a meeting of the Original 3 OGs

 

Meri: Christine, we need to talk about the whole cheerleader for robin semi-stalker crazy-woman thing...

 

Christine: wait, what!? I try to make an effort to be positive and supportive and this is what I get? omg Meri, you're giving me advice? really?

 

Meri: It's not really advice, I've just been noticing....and other people have been noticing... Janelle?

 

Janelle (looks up from wall street journal) hmmm? Oh the kissing-ass to robin thing?  Well I did see on one of the tv forums- those people are awful Christine and I hope you aren't reading it, but they kind of do have a point...

 

Christine: Well gee Janelle, not everybody can be as 'Zen' as you, or maybe that's one way to describe it, another way to describe it is NOT GIVING A CRAP! At least I'm TRYING. Unlike SOME people (turns and glares at Meri, continues to rant) , I read 'the fascinating girl' , I studied anime characters to become cute and giddy, I learned to make robin's favorite dinner 4 different ways !  I don't see you guys doing any of that! (stomps off) Call me when you can be positive and not such beeeytches! (slams door, vase falls over and breaks, loud curse is heard from outside) F&^%!

 

Janelle sighs, goes back to reading WSJ. Meri's phone rings.

 

Meri: so , you won't go with me to the hospital later?  What? I don't have 'factitious disorder'! Oh is that what you tell yourself so you can just stay over there at 4444 endangered dodo's landing (robin's fictional address for purposes of this dark tale) ?

(robin can be heard in background: 'You should really go kody, kody tell her I told you that you should go'*)  OMG Forget it kody, don't even worry about it.

 

Janelle: I'll go with you, Mer.

 

Meri: (somewhat suspiciously) Janelle, you don't have to do that just because of this whole 'oh let's not be enemies thing'.

 

Janelle: No Meri, it's not because of that. Yes you were quite the a$$hole in years past, but you didn't get there alone. Besides, if I don't go,Christine is going to try to get me to help paint her life-size mural of kody and robin.

 

Meri: what?!

 

Janelle: just kidding about that part, but really, lets go. I'll drive.   (little does Meri know that after the appointment, Janelle has booked a workshop weekend on self-esteem, and secretly packed a bag for Meri hidden in her truck- Christine is in on it and is already there).

 

Next stop: plyg 'thelma (and velma) and louise'

 

 

 

 

* trying to get credit for having to remind him to pay attention to others, like on tv honeymoon "oh yes, I made him make sure to call home' (which at once carries the implication of 'I'm so good, look at me being so  plyg-correct and also well, he's just such a bad boy being all swept up in this, that I have to remind him about the others). #STFU

Edited November 4, 2015 by BlackWidow

[algebra]

Hey can we have them ride off with the Bulgarian pet artist? I thought he was eye candy.

[BlackWidow]

Robin: Meriiii, you gotta stop readin that (batman blog), it's snot ril.

 

Meri: I know, but it's teaching me something, you know that thing about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

 

Robin: Wull, don't base your life off a lady gaga quote.

 

Meri: She didn't make that up, I saw it on pinterest. It's someone else, can't remember the name.

 

Christine: So, do you think we did good on the tell all? The ratings were up! Yay!

 

Janelle (eyeroll) whose turn is it anyway? I forgot.
 

Meri: Oh I think it's Christine's night.

 

Christine: I already did the the faaaamily dinner this week, remember?

 

Janelle: I meant with kody, not dinner.

 

(no one answers, awkward silence)

 

Meri: well who had him last night?

 

Christine: well it's not mine, I found him asleep on the sofa this morning, playstation controller in hand.

 

Janelle: So Meri, why don't we go get lunch today? We were supposed to do that.

 

Meri: Oh I know but I have this crafting lady coming over.

(Janelle sighs, realizing she has been blown off once more)

 

Robin: is the crafting lady 'safe'? (plays with hair obsessively)

 

Meri: No one is safe now. Janelle get your battle armor.

 

Janelle: Oh God, don't keep saying that.

 

Christine: Haven't we learned anything from the self-esteem  seminar? Remember how we all played with marbles and we learned we had to have our own lives, our own interests?

 

Meri: making crafts is an interest.

 

Christine: I meant like something to expand our minds. I don't know, like reading or theater or ...something besides thinking up soundbytes for the show.

 

Kody bounds in : Guess what Team Browns? We're going to have another party!

(everyone groans)

 

Meri:TV right?

 

Kody: Well yeah, of course. I went to this super-boring meeting today and it turns out we have to go back to being more fun. Last season was just so....

 

Christine: depressing?

 

Kody: well, we just have to.....

 

Meri: so what is the theme this time?

 

Kody: well I thought we could incorporate clips of our most embarassing and worst moments!  people would love that!  (silence again)

 

 Janelle: Well I think that's a terrible idea.

 

Kody: It's not really my idea, anyway the kids say we should, they're all on board already.

 

Meri: Oh I doubt that.

 

Christine: I'll do it, I mean, I'm flawed, I've admitted as much on national TV.

 

(Robin eye rolls at this)

Christine: what? I saw that Robin.

 

Robin: Wulll it just sorta seemed like you were doing that to get attention. Like, when people ask does this dress make me look fat because they want compliments.

 

Janelle: I have to go do some bookkeeping or something.(muttering under her breath)  I just can't.

(no one says goodbye or acknowledges her leaving)

 

Christine: Nooo, as usual you have it all wrong. I was trying to take some of the focus off Meri feeling all bad

 

Meri: I actually don't feel that bad, Christine. Kody thinks it was all BS , therefore I think it was all BS.

 

Christine: Okie-dokey, whatEVER. I'm going to take truly to the pool.

 

Robin: Oh do you want to go with my nanny/sister and Sol? I think I hear him waking up, I'll go get him. Christine waits for her to go upstairs, then says to Meri and Kody  "tell her i'll see them there! I have to make sure I'm not burning something at home" and leaves, vaguely insulted she is being lumped in with 'the help'. Robin comes back, sees Christine has left and sighs. Meri and Kody still discussing how batman-gate was played out on tv.

 

Kody: (makes confused, trying to be epic serious face)  what was I going to say? What I really thought? There was no way for me to win.  I had to make it not a big dill

 

Robin: but it is a big dill to Meri

 

Meri: No it really isn't (thinking shut up robin with your fake-supportive bs)

 

Kody to Robin: See? everything is cool, right?

 

Robin: I don't unnerstand. (on the verge of tears, says to nanny) Merwyn, here take Sol to the pool please.

 

Kody: well I gotta go, there's something I have to take care of that is gonna be big for next season! This is going to be something totally unexpected! I can't wait, Man am I gonna drop a bomb on you guys! (as he runs out the door )

 

Meri to Robin: I'm telling you, it's #5

 

Robin: don't be silly, he already said he's done, besides, I'm pregnant. (more hair fluffing)

 

Meri: (laughs) how soon we forget. He's never going to 'be done'.

 

(stay tuned for more misadventures of this 4 ring circus )

[purpleflowers]

New season is filming. Robyn and Meri at Meri's house.

Robyn: Mer, I'm so glad we are gettin' a chance to reconnect now that this catfish thing is behind you. I'm glad I begged you to tell me the truth about it, thank God I'm such a good sister wife!!

Meri: yup...right. I just fill so grateful for the fam'ly. So what do you wanna do.

Robyn: let's go to your craft room, I need the space for my latest project; I'm plastering pictures of my face all over the old Brown family albums. It's rill special cuz we shoulda all been together from day one!!

Meri: that's not creepy at all.

(Calls Aspyn later) Hey honey, Robyn's doing another "special" craft and I need you to give a Big wow reaction on camera for the reveal because Logan did it last time. You can have your own TLC cut too!

Aspyn: oh jeez.

Edited November 28, 2015 by purpleflowers

[BlackWidow]

Scene: Kody holds court, taking stock of the latest chaos

 

Kody: Ok everybody, I see you have all your festive king kody hats on.

So I thought I'd go over a few umm bullet points about ..things.

 

Meri: we already did the obligatory twitter stuff

 

Christine: "we are faaamileee, I got all my sistas with me, yeah.."

 

Janelle: (blank stare)

 

Robin: Oh Christine, that's so awesome

 

Kody: OK social media, check. Um so back to the episode thing. You know the one I talked about that you guys weren't totally crazy about? Yeah well that's on the back burner , although they still think a 'Meri repentance/worthiness cleansing' thing would sell.

 

Meri: I'm not doing that, Kody.

 

Kody: Meri, look, I don't care about the catfish thing, but it sells..

 

Christine: No, it's played out, Kody- it was played out by the time it got stuck onto whatever episde it did last season.

 

Robin: Wull, I tried to talk her into doin' it, Kody, remember? (I want Brownie points!)

 

Kody: well whatever, anyway that's off the table, because ..check this out, I'm going to spiritually marry all of you again in a big spiritual group vow renewal thingee?
 

Christine: Yay! Whee! another celebration, I can't wait! Oh this is going to be sooo much fun! Truly and Sol can be the flower girl and ring bearers..

 

Meri: cool your jets Christine, there's got to be a catch somewhere

 

Janelle: I'm getting deja vu. Didn't we already do something like that?

 

Robin: but we're already married. I mean like, all of us.

 

Kody: It's TV babe, you can never have too many celebrations. Check this out, there's this lady, she runs a tropical fish store, AND she's like a new age marriage minister something, she's totally cool with us. Oh and TLC is going to pay her of course. Ok but here's the part that is really going to be great! Now don't freak out because this is  just pretend ok? There's going to be someone there who we act like we know somehow, but is really an actress*, and they are going to make it look like she's gonna be #5 ! It's a cliffhanger for next season. I mean, nothing is going to happen, but we're going to make it look like something is going to happen. Get it? So we're going to basically catfish this person ! isn't that funny as hell?

 

Christine (hoping it's actually a kody-pretending-it's-a-fake-idea-but-really-it's-going-to-turn-out-to-happen-for-rill-because-revenge-on-robin)  OMG That's great! That will totally bring ratings Kody. (switches to soft, creepy voice) How did we manage to marry such a genius?

 

Meri quotes Alanis Morisettte: "It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take..isn't it ironic?"

 

Robin: This seems like we're makin' a joke out of our beliefs, I don't know if I like this iduh

 

Janelle (digging in purse looking for gum) I wonder how much time we will have to put in as far as getting clothes and making all the arrangements.

 

Meri: So is this someone we actually do know, Kody (tone of suspicion)

 

Robin: Meri I don' theeenk that's 'propriate quesshion for you to ask considering..blah blah ( no content...noises, mispronounced words..sniffling ..hair fluffing, clothes fussing)

 

Meri, Janelle and Christine in chorus: Shut up Robin!

 

 

 

*feel free to speculate or come up with suggestions for  #5 cliffhanger

[NotRealYet]

I have nothing to contribute but this thread is so amusing. I died at Alanis Morisettte and Christine.

[BlackWidow]

Kody attends men's awareness drum circle retreat, they are passing the talking stick around the fire and bitching about their jobs, their mortgage, their health, kids, etc.

 

Mike: So I'm trying to make the child support payments and here I have this 20 year old who is into me but I don't know, I mean, I just don't know man..

 

Bud: Yeah so I don't know what's gonna happen, they cut my hours, she's looking for work, we got behind on our credit card payments,just sucks..so yeah..

 

Kody: Well I don't know if you all know, but I've got FOUR times the problems you guys have (does characteristic nervous laugh) heh heh heh. Maybe you guys don't recognize me but

 

(collective groan comes from the group)  "yeah we know"

 

Group Leader With Made-Up New Age Name  Rafe Featherstone grabs talking stick from Kody:
Rule #1 People, we don't judge. Mike's stuff is his stuff, Bud's stuff is his stuff and Kody's stuff is his stuff. We're here to uh, honor what's in our heads and hearts , get in touch with nature and uh.. the masculine principle..

 

Kody: (grabs talking stick back)  ha, don't say 'principle' where I'm from, it means a whole different thing heh heh heh So anyway, I've got this tv show, and all these kids and FOUR, count 'em, FOUR women that I have to deal with, I know I'm going to another gift I don't like, I owe one of them another vacation that I'm not looking forward to cause I have to hear them complain about me..and then on top of it all, (starts to get weepy) there's this hair issue that I can't seem to get away from. Can we all just think for a minute about me and maybe have a spiritual prayer go up about this hair thing?

 

(silence from the group. Men who have been staring despondently into the flames look up, glaring at kody)

 

Rafe Featherstone starts a slow drumbeat,no one else joins in with their drums. "ok well let's have a group prayer for  Jimbob's illness, Dave's foreclosure, Steve's daughter's rehab.."

 

A light is seen coming from the forest, it draws closer, it looks like it's maybe a golf cart. A tall man gets out and wanders up to the circle. The man says to the golf cart driver: "thank you Raphael, you can go". Golf cart driver leaves.

 

Rafe Featherstone: " Uh we're in the middle of a semi-ritual activity, may I ask if you are registered for the men's group weekend and your name?"

 

Guy from golf cart: " Of course, my name's Sam. Sam Cooper".

 

Kody grabs talking stick : " Rafe! Rafe, no! You can't let this guy stay, he's an impersonator, this is a scam! He's just  being paid to troll me, or something"

 

(mumbles from the other men, someone says something like "this is BS, I want my money back."

 

Rafe: "kody, just breathe, he has registered and paid just like everyone else here, and he has a right to be here, calm down. welcome Sam" and passes the talking stick to this newcomer.

 

Sam: Kody this is the only way I figured I would be able to talk to you, mano a mano. I wanted you to know I wasn't this insane butch chick with multiple personalities. I'm real.

 

Featherstone: "ok well usually we don't get into personal stuff here but since it has been on tv and the internet, it's ok- if you want him to respond though, you have to give him the talking stick. Sam"

 

(Sam passes the talking stick to Kody)

 

Kody: "you missed everything I said earlier but whatever, but who do you see in Vegas for your hair? You have great hair, Sam."

[BlackWidow]

robin on answering machine  "Kudeee, 'member you said you were gonna take the kids fer walk cuz I got to work out n I'm way overdue for yet 'nother ombre appoin'ment and those super long and fake porno French Manicure nails you like so much. You were supposed to be back like an hour ago. Is anything wrong? I can't even bul-leave this....you better not be.."  
 
Kody to Janelle : " can you turn it down please.."     (robin in background on machine " I mean it's not that big a dill, but tryin to set a gud 'zample plus I'm prolly 'lergic to it....." )
 
Janelle: "Seriously? Oh ok  I was starting to enjoy it..'
 
Kody :"Do you still have that Dreyer's or Greek frozen yogurt , whatever it is?'
 
Janelle : " sounds like someone has the munchies, yeah there's something in the freezer. Do you think you should at least call her so she doesn't freak out? "
 
(sound of kody's phone in background, on silent but still going bzzzzt bzzt)
 
Kody: "too late for that. Is it even her night? "
 
Janelle: "hell if I know whose night it is but I think it's on the fridge calendar.."
 
(Kody goes and looks, while eating frozen whatever out of container)
 
Kody:  How come a few months back the schedule was on here but now there's not?
 
Janelle : Umm well Meri used to do it and give us copies but I guess at some point she stopped. You could call Christine, she'll probably know. I tried to call her last night for something but no answer.
 
 Kody: No, if I ask her that she'll just get mad.  (kody's phone still buzzing) Crap she must know I'm here (referring to robin) I'll call Meri -she won't get mad and she probably still has the schedule on her computer already planned till 2030
(kody calls Meri, male voice answers)
 
 Kody : "who the hell is this?"
 
Vlad Draco (Romanian artist guy) :  Kody,  you have such short memory, remember I do drawing for new wife with you make-pretend like 'here I am in the clouds smiling like evangelical charity drive priest waiting to be your daddy in future..'
 
Kody : Did robin actually say something like that?
 
Vlad: No but message comes through yeah? I tried to make obvious. Umm so..... what's up?
 
Kody (feeling entirely freaked out and not knowing what to say at this point) I was going to ask Meri something but it's not that important, I'll call back. 
 
Vlad: Oh I finally watch show 'love should be multiplied'  I'm  now so into that also....(kody hangs up on him)
 
( kody to Janelle) I gotta go
 
Janelle : She's going to smell it on you if you go over there right now.
 
Kody: (to self) everything's cool, everything's cool..
 
Janelle: I'll call Chris, I'll work it into the conversation about the schedule so she won't suspect.
 
Kody; OK whatever.
 
Janelle calls Christine's phone  "hello"
 
   " Oh Hiiiiii  this is Debbie at  McLandShark, Piranha & Schmurtoff law ,  you left it here hon when you here the other day for your consult...."
 
Janelle hangs up.
 
Kody: voicemail?
 
Janelle: oh no, I think I screwed up the number, ill try her again in a while and text you

 

Kody: "thanks Janell you're such a doll, I'll call you later this week.."

 

 

(anyone feel free to continue this sordid melodrama, add your own spin etc)

[Celia Rubenstein]

omg BlackWidow that is so funny ... i wish i could think of something to add but I am at a loss.  But I just love reading what you all come up with, so please keep it up!   It's better than the real show! 

Edited March 25, 2016 by Celia Rubenstein

[BlackWidow]

 'Tell All'

 Tamron:  Now we've seen a lot of emotions on this show with you all, there's been a lot of crying, a lot of ...turbulence..and some of you are trying to 'mend fences' (gestures to Janelle and Meri) So Kody, is it true that you can dish it out, but you can't take it?

Kody: (hair toss, looks around, blank stare) They all pick on me in their own different ways

(group teeheehee)

Christine: well it is kind of true, it does sometimes feel like it is all on us to change

Kody: (shoots Christine one of his best stern-blank looks for ruining the not-funny-but-at-least-nervous-laughter-at-kody-playing-the-victim)  "I can't do everything. Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor!" (Kody borrows from original star trek, thinking it's cute)..

(Janelle alternates between eyeroll and courtesy giggles)

Tamron: "Meri, so is everything starting to get back to normal? the whole catfish situation.. are you feeling stronger now?"

Meri: " I theeeenkk I'm trying. I'm trying, Kody's trying. We're all trying....and I theeeenk things are getting better."

Tamron: Robin, has this brought you and Meri closer or are things still needing work?

Robin: (does annoying shirt-fidget-adjusting-and-plays-with-hair) "Wull, I juss keep lis'nin' and we keep talkin' n stuff. (more noises, little content).

Tamron: Christine?  What are you thinking right now?

Christine: "Have you ever thought of spelling your name T A M R Y N? Just saying.."

Janelle: "That'd be so cool."  (because Janelle always says everything is cool).

(commercial break...and now for a word from reverse mortgages, herbal tea and adult undergarments..)

 

Tamron: "So now we're back with some of the Brown kids to see how things are going for them..I hear a couple of congratulations are in order. Maybe more than a couple? (eyes all the oldest kids) Maddie, you and Caleb were married recently (and here comes the predictable question..) are you finding not being in a polygamous marriage sort of strange since you were raised that way?"

Maddie: yeah we were the kids, that was my parent's lifestyle. 

(moment of awkwardness because Maddie didn't do the predictable TV answer: Oh it's quieter for sure, and my kids won't have 3-4 moms, etc)

Tamron: " Caleb, what do you think about all this?"

Caleb: "We're good"...

Tamron: "OK.... Mariah.... you and your mom have had to sort of had to find your way back to each other after all you both have been through..do you think you can forgive your mom now that time has passed?"

Mariah: (looks around, not sure if she remembers if she is supposed to still be mad or not for the show) "I don't know, I'm only 22 I'm still learning about the world and trying to figure things out.. "

Tamron: "but you have figured out you probably won't live the same lifestyle as your mom and dad?"

Mariah: "Just because they do something doesn't mean I have to.."

Tamron: "Mykelti, what is this we are hearing about you being engaged?! What happened to school? "

Mykelti: "well... umm..yeah..Tony's, great and it's true we're engaged..uh school..."

Aspyn: "she's more like our dad, a free spirit..not as much of an academic as Mariah"

Mariah: "I'm not an academic, I want to be a medical assistant.."

Tamron: Dayton, do you feel like things are more normal now, that all the dust has settled with the adoption?

Dayton: "wait, didn't we already answer these same questions last time? They people watching already know all this, what is the point?"

(Producers say to cut that last comment out or insert that  as a random statement without the Tamron question preceding it- at the beginning of the show, stuck next to a shot of the kids laughing and other silliness. Oh ho ho, it's just so jolly and silly..)

 (and now a word from our sponsors...refrigerator magnets, potatoes and cat litter)

 

Tamron: We're back with the Brown parents again.. here's the question we all really want to know, and when I last asked you , you said it wasn't in the stars..but now..so what about it Kody, is a 5th wife a possibility?

(kody tries to take the temperature of the room without looking around, frantically searching for the best non-committal flippant-yet-reassuring right answer, Meri tries to keep a poker face, Christine has a wicked grin, Janelle looks about to nod off, and Robin of course, is about to cry.)

Kody: " Uhh I haven't been called to that at this point (desperately hoping that will be sufficient fodder for Tamron but oh no, Tamron perseveres, handing kody an even bigger shovel to bury himself with..)..

Tamron: "Does this mean that Ariella will be the last Brown baby? (Tamron casts her eye to Robin, Kody is relieved)

Robin: "Wull, n'ver say n'ver but I'm not shere if I'm fillin' like doin' that 'gain soon, so I dunno."

Tamron: " and what about the rest of you ladies, if Kody were to want more kids, the idea of another wife?"

Meri:I theeeenkk me and kody-we're just all in a better place now than we were when Robin came into the fahhmlee. It would just depend. On a lottttt of theeeeenngzzz. But it's all about the kids, havin' more of 'em, so if it has to happen for that to happen, ok"

Tamron (looks at Christine) "Christine, you had a hard time adjusting to the changes, do you think you could handle it again ?"

Christine: "Oh  that would be fun! I'm doing sooooo much better now, and my expectations are lower, I mean more realistic- too!, just kidding guys, love ya!"

Tamron: and you Janelle, how would you feel about a 5th Brown wife?

Janelle: " It'd be pretty cool ."

Edited June 24, 2016 by BlackWidow
left out word

[laurakaye]

On 6/23/2016 at 8:52 PM, BlackWidow said:

Robin: (does annoying shirt-fidget-adjusting-and-plays-with-hair) "Wull, I juss keep lis'nin' and we keep talkin' n stuff. (more noises, little content).

Meri:I theeeenkk me and kody-we're just all in a better place now than we were when Robin came into the fahhmlee. It would just depend. On a lottttt of theeeeenngzzz. But it's all about the kids, havin' more of 'em, so if it has to happen for that to happen, ok"

Christine: "Oh  that would be fun! I'm doing sooooo much better now, and my expectations are lower, I mean more realistic- too!, just kidding guys, love ya!"

Janelle: " It'd be pretty cool ."

This was poetic!  The above lines are my faves, and I can completely hear their individual voices as they struggle to talk about their fillings.

[BlackWidow]

    Everyone sits awkwardly amidst the open-house staging furniture.  Kody stares straight ahead, permanent look of puzzlement on his face.  #4 does that awful playing with her hair thing, swoop, swoop, swoop.

Christine: Would you stop doing that? I'm really trying to put up with you, but holy hell that's annoying. (eyeroll from #4, tries to stop playing with her hair like a compulsive teenager).

Meri: So what ARE we going to do as far as buttering up the network for something big. We've had two marriages, another baby, Meriah coming out and some rehash. (looks at Kody, who is still looking out into space)

Janelle: I know, it kind of seems like we're out of stuff. We need another activity or road trip or something, we can't just be sitting around here. They don't want to see my walking around the block and making homemade cookies.

Christine: Janelle, the viewers at home are starting to wake up to how much is put on for tv. Kody are you even listening to us?

Kody: what? huh? Yeah of course, Fartman always listens, because Fartman is King!

silence and blank stares.

Janelle: It's really not funny, Kody.

#4 "but what about meeee? No one cares about sisss'erwives kuhlawwsett, no one wants to watch my kids, I thought this was going to be ameeeeezing..."

Christine: Ha! well you thought wrong honey! Just kiddeeeeeennnggg!  Hahahaa

Janelle: What IS that noise?

#4:    Meri's cellphone buzzing

Meri:  Every chance you get, you take it. Like a dog with a bone.

Kody:  Can you guys just ...like keep your crap confined to... just ...stop...it's just too much, 2 of our kids got married. Then....

#4  Ohhh I didn't mean it like that... why does everyone assume I have the worst motivations (almost cries)?  Janelle, I know you got that dog so I would never ask you to babysit!

Janelle: what? you're using too much lavender oil on your pillow or something.....

Christine, ignoring  Janelle and #4:  then Mariah? I mean, I'm fine with it.  But just saying.

Kody: I'm fine with it,  Christine.. Meri's fine, we're all FINE!

Janelle: Well, she certainly takes after you, Kody, in more than one way

Kody: What? I'm not gay!

Janelle: (thinking no, dummy)  Because you both like women, and you both stay mad about things..

Meri doesn't know whether to agree or stay quiet for fear of reminding him of what he's mad at her for.

(yet another awkward moment of silence)

#4 (starts doing the annoying playing with hair thing)  Wulll, maybe we kin sell to the network some kinda 'coming out' party thing.

Kody: Not happening. We might lose some conservative viewers.

Meri: so now we're seeking approval because of tv when before we were afraid of tv, and what  people would think of us?

Kody:  Saying I love my daughter is not the same as saying 'I approve of this'. But it's good enough for TV. Could you stop giving me crap about this or I'm going to bring up the J word..

Meri: seriously, you're going there AGAIN?

Kody: I didn't mean THAT. I meant JOBS.

A hush falls over plygland

Christine: Well I think Mariah probably doesn't give a (invective) what we say on tv. Besides, what is the point of approving or not over someone else's orientation? (creepy whisper voice) but of course we still care about what you think, Kody, you're our King.

Meri actually LOLS at this.

Kody:  Christine, you know I love ya baby, but the medieval role-play is getting old.

(janelle snorts derisively)

   to be continued....

[BlackWidow]

Kody is in deep youknowwhat.. he's been hiding a possible Secret 5th wife, who is a somewhat disaffected, generation X pseudo-goth who never acts like a high-school girl around Kody. She's been sort of couch-surfing since they started 'courting' though Kody is starting to feel like he's never going to get anywhere.  It's up for grabs whether some of the other wives even notice or care. The way it is playing out is the antithesis of the last courtship.  Worse yet, Kody fears that at least some of the wives like her more than they like him. . No, get your salacious little minds out of the gutter- remember, they don't go 'weird' (lol). 

Kody to potential wife #5, who is lounging on A futon in Janelle's garage, it's about 9 or 10 at night:

" Daphne, I was thinkin' ..I wanna do this right this time. We need to get to know each other better. Tomorrow morning, why don't we go for a walk or go to that clay class , we could make something?"

Daphne: " Uhhh mornings. What about later tonight?"

Kody: "but I can't, it's Robin's night, then I won't be able to see you until Monday night.."

Daphne: "That's fine, Monday it is then. Scrabble?"

Kody laughs thinking she was kidding about playing a board game : "Daphne, you can't just lie around these old moldy books and hide in here all the time. When are you going to be part of things?"

Daphne: "what you really mean is agree to TV, don't you?"

Kody: "Well, that's part of it, I guess..and it would really help.."

(sounds of someone walking around the house.)

Janelle calls out "Daphne, are you down there? I just got some salads, are we still on for no-popcorn movie night?"

Daphne, calls out to Janelle: " Yeah we totally are Janelle, I'll be up in a minute, Kody's here."

Janelle: (calling back out from wherever) "Oh , sorry, I didn't know."

Daphne: "no worries Janelle, come on down,  he was just leaving.."

Kody: " What? No, I wasn't, I thought we were going to talk or ...something." His phone is buzzing.

Daphne: "someone is texting you. Maybe you should answer it. "

Kody looks at his phone.

Kody: " ugh why doesn't she just text you? It's Christine, she was asking if I knew where you were and if you felt like going thrift store shopping with her tomorrow.. did you lose your phone?"

Daphne: "No, I didn't lose it. It's turned off. Maybe the battery died, it's been off for a while. "

Kody : " see, this is an example of what I was talking about. You can't just avoid the family meeting where we tell everyone. You can't just avoid the cameras. You can't just hang out in my Janelle's garage and not really live anywhere here and never go out during the day, you can't......."

Daphne: " Why not? She doesn't care...and you knew I didn't like the hot weather before I moved out here."

Janelle comes down the stairs to Daphne's makeshift garage room.

Janelle: "Kody, Robin just texted me asking me where you were. You're going to have to tell her at some point."

Kody: "Um I don't know if she's ready yet. "

Daphne: "isn't she the one who says 'amazing' and 'done' and 'chill ' and stuff like that?"

Kody: " yeah ... I mean she talks that way because... because..."

Janelle "Oh Robin already knows, I think."

Kody, looks at Janelle, aghast, then looks at Daphne who is picking the pilling off her black sweater. " What?! Who told her? You? " he asks , looking at Janelle.

Janelle: " As if, Kody. I think she went over to Christine's , you know, their fake-buddy thing they have going and saw Daphne on her couch the other day. So I think maybe she might know. "
Kody: "she knows or she might know? Those are two different things."
Janelle" "Kody I don't know. Hey can we just have our salads and watch our movie now?"

Kody: "but Janelle, I have to go over there tonight ..Did Christine tell her anything?." he asks, looking at both of them.

Daphne: "I doubt it, but I don't know, I was asleep. Maybe she wasn't even there that long."

Kody: " maybe I can have Meri talk to her..no wait, I just remembered she's not even around until Sunday because of her lula stuff. but what do I tell Robin? "

Janelle: " I don't know, look Kody , this is sooo not my problem .."

Daphne: "have to go over there?"  Daphne says, echoing his words in both a sarcastic and accusatory way. (Janelle snickers)

Kody: "Ok that sounded bad, I didn't mean.... But, what am I going to say if she asks something.?  Now I'm really screwed. If she doesn't know I'm screwed and if she already knows I'm screwed for not saying anything until now, especially if you and Christine and well, even Meri know. But I guess it is up to me what I do, so I'm only partially screwed. I mean, I still am the leader, right? I don't have to get approval. Oh God, she probably has figured it out by now..."

Janelle sighs and says "Umm Yeah Kody, you actually do have to get approval, remember? But..Daphne can stay over here with me, it isn't like Robin is going to come over here to hang out anyway.."

Daphne:  "She isn't going to care that much. It's not like you're throwing me around on a beach or giving me string rings or saying I'm too cute to cook and crap like that.."

Kody: "Oh yes she will care and as far as all that goes, it's sure not like that now.. great now I have to go get dressed up and try to have a real date....."

Janelle: "Ok good luck with that. See ya whenever.."

Daphne: "yeah see ya Monday.."