I Once Took A Donkey And Some Honeycomb Into... : Jokes!

[SirOsisOfLiver]

Mindthinkr, in reply to your question, I've been saving crap that people emailed me for years, so I've been trolling through it, trying to decide what's appropriate and what's too long for this forum. Don't want to monopolize the topic.

[Mindthinkr]

Well Sir Osis I enjoy the parry and bow to the amount of responses that you have given. Especially the ones that catch me off guard or make me think/question. 

[SirOsisOfLiver]

• Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the "herd shot 'round the world".
• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
• Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
• A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After a while, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
• The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they wouldn't. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

Now, at long last, some new Barbie dolls to coincide with her aging gracefully.

• Bifocals Barbie: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
• Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand held fan and tiny tissues.
• Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
• Flabby Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included!
• Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
• No More Wrinkles Barbie: Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
• Soccer Mom Barbie: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With minivan in robins egg blue, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
• Mid-life Crisis Barbie: It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
• Divorced Barbie: Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
• Single Mother Barbie: There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken, Jr., in a fourth-floor walkup. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
• Recovery Barbie: Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does twelve steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
• Post Menopausal Barbie: Poor Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex.
• Lorena Bobbitt Barbie: Our gal has had it with Ken's messing around with Stacey and Skipper. Comes with her own Pampered Chef knife and personal Cuisinart. Ken's anatomical short-comings are finally explained!

[SirOsisOfLiver]

Lessons For Young Inexperienced Cats

• If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you can't manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Lacking an Oriental rug, shag carpet is good.
• Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door has been opened for you, it is not necessary to actually use it.
• Once you have ordered that the outside door be opened for you, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.
• Determine which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. If you can arrange to have "Puss 'n Boots" on your breath, so much the better. For sitting on laps or rubbing trouser legs, select colours which contrast well with your own. For example, if you are white-furred, a good black wool is best.
• When walking among the dishes on the kitchen table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea to convey is, "But you let me do it when company isn't here!".
• Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything.
• If one of "them" is sewing or working with paper and pens, and the other one of "them" is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "hampering". When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. This way, you can't be seen, and stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up, and soothed.
• For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless of course you can lie across the book itself. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze, then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This causes what is called a "dropped stitch". She will try to distract you with a ball of yarn, which is ridiculous. Ignore it. Keep in mind the aim is to "hamper".
• Most important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so that you are free for playing "Catch The Mouse" or "King Of The Hill" on their bed between 2:00 A.M. and 4:00 A.M. Begin this training early and you will have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know a few basic rules, but they can be trained if one starts in time.

[walnutqueen]

1 hour ago, SirOsisOfLiver said:

Lessons For Young Inexperienced Cats

• If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you can't manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Lacking an Oriental rug, shag carpet is good.
• Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door has been opened for you, it is not necessary to actually use it.
• Once you have ordered that the outside door be opened for you, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.
• Determine which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. If you can arrange to have "Puss 'n Boots" on your breath, so much the better. For sitting on laps or rubbing trouser legs, select colours which contrast well with your own. For example, if you are white-furred, a good black wool is best.
• When walking among the dishes on the kitchen table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea to convey is, "But you let me do it when company isn't here!".
• Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything.
• If one of "them" is sewing or working with paper and pens, and the other one of "them" is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "hampering". When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. This way, you can't be seen, and stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up, and soothed.
• For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless of course you can lie across the book itself. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze, then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This causes what is called a "dropped stitch". She will try to distract you with a ball of yarn, which is ridiculous. Ignore it. Keep in mind the aim is to "hamper".
• Most important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so that you are free for playing "Catch The Mouse" or "King Of The Hill" on their bed between 2:00 A.M. and 4:00 A.M. Begin this training early and you will have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know a few basic rules, but they can be trained if one starts in time.

Purrfection!

[MrSmith]

A husband and wife are laying in their bed in the dark, facing each other.

Husband: "Can you see my eyes?"

Wife: "No."

Husband: "Are you looking?"

[riley702]

I don't get it. Yes, I feel dumb.

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

Cat-isms

• Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
• Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.
• There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
• Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
• Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
• As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.
• One cat just leads to another. (Ernest Hemingway)
• There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats. (Albert Schweitzer)
• Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
• Time spent with cats is never wasted.
• You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.  (Colonial American proverb)
• Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
• Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. (Robert A. Heinlein)

[Mindthinkr]

[Mindthinkr]

[Mindthinkr]

[RealityCheck]

"This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

AMERICANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the  North to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.  I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Edited September 24, 2017 by RealityCheck

[ParadoxLost]

^ Funny.  But urban legend.

[backformore]

On ‎9‎/‎17‎/‎2017 at 9:02 AM, SirOsisOfLiver said:

You're Not Old, Unless You Can Remember:

• Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
• When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk and sodas.
• When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
• When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
• When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
• When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday.
• When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes, or towels hidden inside the box.
• When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
• When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.
• When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed ... and did.
• When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.

When grocery stores had 2  aisles, because there were only a few choices - bread was white or rye, Cereal was Wheaties, corn flakes, or rice krispies. 

When soda came in glass bottles, and you returned the bottles to the store to get 2 cents.  A bottle of soda was 12 cents to take home. If you only had 10 cents, you could drink it at the store and give them back the empty bottle.

Parents could keep a note on file that it was OK to sell cigarettes to their kids.   If you were old enough to walk to the store and say your last name, you could buy cigarettes.  And most stores let you put it on the bill for your parents to pay later. 

When You had to watch a TV show when it was on, no pauses, no rewind.  Wizard of Oz was on TV on thanksgiving.  if you didn't watch it, see it next year. 

When the plastic handle on the Zenith TV broke off, and you had to keep a pair of pliers on top of the TV to change the channel. 

When the swings at the playground were hard wooden boards, attached by a steel brace to a heavy chain, on a metal swingset on hard ground. 

Edited September 25, 2017 by backformore

[RealityCheck]

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

• "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
• "Can you hear me NOW?"
• "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
• "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
• "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
• "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
• "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
• "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
• "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

[Mindthinkr]

[RealityCheck]

CORPORATE PHYSICAL FITNESS PROGRAM

Notice: Our company requires no further physical fitness programs. Everyone gets enough exercise:

• jumping to conclusions,

• flying off the handle,

• beating around the bush,

• running down the boss,

• going around in circles,

• dragging their feet,

• dodging responsibility,

• passing the buck,

• climbing the ladder,

• wading through paperwork,

• pulling strings,

• throwing their weight around,

• stretching the truth,

• bending the rules,

• and pushing their luck.

[RealityCheck]

AIRPLANE MAINTENANCE

After every flight XXXX pilots fill out a form,called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by XXXX pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by Maintenance engineers.

By the way, XXXX is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a m***** pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from m*****

[RealityCheck]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then Mary said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework... And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

[SirOsisOfLiver]

A man asked his wife, "If you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?"
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You dummy, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he'll still get it wrong.

[RealityCheck]

GOLF CADDY COMMENTS

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy:  "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy:  "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy:  "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy:  "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy:  "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy:  "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy:  "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy:  "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy:  "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy:  "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

[SirOsisOfLiver]

Great Truths About Life According To Children

• No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
• When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
• If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
• Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
• You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
• Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
• Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
• You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
• Don't wear polkadot underwear under white shorts.

[Mindthinkr]

 

[RealityCheck]

HOW TO PLEASE YOUR I.T. DEPARTMENT

• When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies, and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

• Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

• When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

• When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

• When IT support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

• When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

• Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

• When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

• When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

• When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

• When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

• When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

• When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

• Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

• Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM

• Describe your problem:            __________________________________________
• Now, describe the problem accurately:    __________________________________________
• Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:_________________________________________
• Problem Severity:                A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__
• Nature of the problem:            A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__
• Is your computer plugged in?            Yes__ No__
• Is it turned on?                Yes__ No__
• Have you tried to fix it yourself?        Yes__ No__
• Have you made it worse?            Yes__
• Have you read the manual?            Yes__ No__
• Are you sure you've read the manual?     Yes__ No__
• Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?     No__
• Do you think you understood it?         Yes__ No__
• If "Yes" then why can't you fix the problem yourself?    _________________
• How tall are you?  Are you above this line?        _________________
• What were you doing with your computer when the problem occurred?___________________
• If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.    ________________________________
• Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
• How does this problem make you feel?    ________________________________
• Tell me about your childhood.        ________________________________
• Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?        Yes__ No__
• Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me?            Yes__

[RealityCheck]

These are actual police officer quotes collected from numerous people stopped for moving traffic violations.

• "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

• "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

• "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

• "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

• "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

• "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

• "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

• "In God we trust, all others are suspects."

[SirOsisOfLiver]

Men think computers are female because:

• Nobody but the Creator understands their internal logic.
• The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
• The message, "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, I'm not going to tell you!"
• Your smallest errors are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
• As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.

Women think computers are male because:

• They have a lot of data, but they are still clueless.
• They're supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.
• As soon as you commit to one, you realize if you had just waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
• In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
• A big power surge will knock them out for the rest of the night.

[Mindthinkr]

3 hours ago, SirOsisOfLiver said:

Your smallest errors are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

So true!  Lol'd at most of them. 

[RealityCheck]

25 INTERESTING THINGS THAT YOU LEARN ABOUT COMPUTERS IN THE MOVIES...

1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS."  Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans.  After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.
8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes.  Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read.  The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface.  Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. See #7, above)

11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds.  In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen.  There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.

17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into.  All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has.  However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.

20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP.

22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.

23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities.  Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.

25. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to.  Example: "What's that fuzzy thing in the corner? I don't know, let's check. It's the murder weapon!  Let's look under the bed for the killers shoes. no, just some comics books (Marvel 1954, very rare). Let's check the closet shelves...!"

[Mindthinkr]

[RealityCheck]

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy, and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.  Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.  In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.

Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."  He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life.You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father.  The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

[SirOsisOfLiver]

Snappy Comebacks For Cocky Employees

• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• I'm already visualizing duct tape over your mouth.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• Who, me? I just wander from room to room.
• I'll keep that in mind if your opinion ever becomes important to me.
• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

[Mindthinkr]

[walnutqueen]

A skeleton walks into a bar.

He asks for a beer and a mop.

[SirOsisOfLiver]

A guy is sitting in a bar having a couple of drinks. Another guy comes in and sits at the bar on the stool next to him, carrying a case. He sets the case on the bar and opens it. From the case he removed a small grand piano and a tiny piano bench and placed them on the bar. He reached back into the case and took out a little man about a foot tall in tux and tails and placed him on the piano bench. The little man began to play the piano. Classical. Jazz. He was very good.
The first guy was stunned. He turned to the other man and asked, "This is amazing! Where'd you get this?" The man told him that he had found an old lamp at the side of the curb one day, and as he rubbed the dust off, a genie appeared, and here we are. The first man asked what had happened to the lamp.
"I have it here with me in the case," he replied. "It only seems to work once for each person, so it's no more use to me."
"Can I try it?" the first man asked.
"Sure, go ahead," the man replied. He reached into the case, pulled out a lamp and handed it to the man. The man rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared.
"You may have one wish," said the genie.
"Okay, I want a million bucks!" Instantly the bar was filled with a million mallards, flapping and flying everywhere.
"What the hell? What gives? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" yelled the man.
The second man looked at him and replied, "Well, did you really think that I had asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

[Mindthinkr]

Got a good laugh from that...thanks SirOsis

[RealityCheck]

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY

• "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

• "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop!"

• "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

• "Bo Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

• "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

• "Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie."

• "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

• "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

• "Darn, there go the lights again...."

• "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em."

• "Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"

• "Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my concentration."

• "What's this doing here?"

• "That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?"

• "I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."

• "Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."

• "Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?"

• "What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?"

• "Anyone see where I left that scalpel?"

• "And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape."

• "Ok. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature."

• "This patient has already had some kids, right?"

• "Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"

• "Don't worry. I think this is sharp enough."

• "FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out NOW!"

• "Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

[Mindthinkr]

44 minutes ago, RealityCheck said:

• "What's this doing here?"

•  

Actually heard that one. They thought they were repairing diverticulitis but it turned out to be a piece of gauze from a prior surgery. 

46 minutes ago, RealityCheck said:

 

• 46 minutes ago, RealityCheck said:

  "This patient has already had some kids, right?"

   

Heard this one when a young-ish man had to have unexpected X-Rays during surgery as well. 

All of them scare me. 

[walnutqueen]

2 hours ago, RealityCheck said:

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY

• "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

• "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop!"

• "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

• "Bo Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

• "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

• "Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie."

• "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

• "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

• "Darn, there go the lights again...."

• "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em."

• "Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"

• "Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my concentration."

• "What's this doing here?"

• "That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?"

• "I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."

• "Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."

• "Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?"

• "What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?"

• "Anyone see where I left that scalpel?"

• "And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape."

• "Ok. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature."

• "This patient has already had some kids, right?"

• "Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"

• "Don't worry. I think this is sharp enough."

• "FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out NOW!"

• "Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

Sounds like the plots of every episode of ER and Grey's Anatomy I've watched.  :-)

[RealityCheck]

FREQUENTLY OVERHEARD REMARKS IN A TAX PREPARER'S OFFICE PRIOR TO THE TAX FILING DEADLINE

• No sir, the government does not want you to pay your taxes in pennies.

• I have a hard time believing that a garbage collector made $150,000 last year so for the last time, DID YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF INCOME!!!

• How cute... a tax form done in crayon.

• No sir, it's do your taxes every year and renew your driver's license every 4 years, not the other way around.

• Just because you talk to your plants ma'am, you cannot, repeat CANNOT list them as your dependents.

• Even if you are a hooker, the number of org***s you've had  cannot count as a business expense.

• I'm sorry, I'm not sure I follow your "Give me an extension and I'll give you an extension later at my place" argument.

• I take it that because you have decided to do origami with your tax form that you're not receptive to paying your taxes this year.

• Just remember the IRS motto, buddy: Screw us now, we'll screw you later!!

Edited September 30, 2017 by RealityCheck

[SirOsisOfLiver]

Dictionary Of Women's Vocabulary

• Fine: This is the word we use to end an argument. "Fine" means that the argument is over, we are right and you should shut up. Never use "Fine" to describe how a woman looks as this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
• Five Minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash.
• Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn a man inside-out, upside-down and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
• Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
• Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised-eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by a "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
• Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very misunderstood by men, a "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you're an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there and arguing with you over "Nothing".
• Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but still a verbal statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe.
• That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding on your punishment for whatever it is that you've done. "That's okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you're going to be in some mighty big trouble.
• Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you've done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't receive a "That's okay".
• Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "You're welcome".
• Thanks A Lot: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by a "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong, as she will only tell you, "Nothing".

[Mindthinkr]

Fine=

Frustrated

Insecure

Neurotic

Emotional 

[RealityCheck]

THINGS I LEARNED FROM MY MOTHER

• My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. ("If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.")

• My mother taught me about RELIGION. ("You better pray that will come out of the carpet.")

• My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. ("If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!")

• My mother taught me about LOGIC. ("Because I said so, that's why.")

• My mother taught me about FORESIGHT. ("Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.")

• My mother taught me about IRONY. ("Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.")

• My mother taught me about STAMINA. ("You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.")

• My mother taught me about WEATHER. ("This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it.")

• My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. ("If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!")

• My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. ("I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.")

• My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. ("Stop acting like your father!")

• My mother taught me about ENVY. ("There are millions of children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.")

• My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. ("Just wait until we get home.")

• My mother taught me about RECEIVING. ("You are going to get it when you get home!")

• My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE. ("If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.")

• My mother taught me about ESP. ("Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you'll be cold?")

• My mother taught me about HUMOR. ("When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.")

• My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. ("If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.")

• My mother taught me about GENETICS. ("You're just like your father.")

• My mother taught me about WISDOM. ("When you get to be my age, you'll understand.")

• My mother taught me about SHARING. ("I’m going to give you a piece of my mind!")

• My mother taught me about FEAR. ("One day you'll have a child who'll do the same things to you.")

[Mindthinkr]

[RealityCheck]

Accident insurance claim forms ask for a brief statement about how the accident happened. The combination of the finger pointing instinct and the small spaces provided on the forms can lead to some curiously phrased explanations.

• "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

• "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

• "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

• "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

• "I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."

• "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."

• "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

• "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

• "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

• "I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."

• "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."

• "The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

• "The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."

• "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

• "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."

• "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

• "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

• "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."

• "My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."

• "I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

• "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

• "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

• "When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

• "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

• "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

• "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

• "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

• "The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."

• "A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."

• "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."

• "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

• "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

[SirOsisOfLiver]

Computer Haiku

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows has crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.