I Once Took A Donkey And Some Honeycomb Into... : Jokes!

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

• Warning:    Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
• Warning:    Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN!
• Warning:    Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
• Warning:    Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to call them at four in the morning.
• Warning:    Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
• Warning:    Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
• Warning:    Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're invisible.

[ennui]

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of puppies. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy puppies and 2 girl puppies." "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Petunia13]

On 8/15/2017 at 9:00 AM, Mindthinkr said:

 

Years ago I saw this in a group office on a wall! And it was a woman manager of many men I think the city engineering dept. 

[DeLurker]

[Sandman87]

I hate reading badly written fantasy books, because they always start throwing truly wretched songs and poems at me halfway through. They go from bad to verse.

[Petunia13]

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Mindthinkr]

Just now, SirOsisOfLiver said:

Who...

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

Thoughts For The day

· If a man speaks in the middle of the forest, and no woman is around to hear him, is he still wrong?
· Be nice to your kids.  They'll be choosing your nursing home.
· All we are saying is give pizza chants.
· Where are we going, and why are we in this handbasket?
· The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
· If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
· Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.
· Does the Little Mermaid wear an Algebra?
· If love is blind, then lingerie makes great braille!
· Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
· Atheism is a non-prophet society.
· Save the whales - collect the whole set!
· TheContentsOfThisMessageMaySettleDuringShipping.

[JTMacc99]

13 minutes ago, SirOsisOfLiver said:

· Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.

Hee!  

[walnutqueen]

6 hours ago, SirOsisOfLiver said:

All we are saying is give pizza chants.

Imagine whirled peas.

[SirOsisOfLiver]

Thoughts For The Day

· Forget about world peace.  Visualize using your turn signal.
· A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
· If something goes without saying, let it!
· Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
· Ever stop to think, then forget to start again?
· Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
· Boycott shampoo!  Demand the real poo!
· Jesus saves... passes to Moses, Moses shoots, HE SCORES!
· Why do they lock gas station bathroom doors?  Are they afraid someone will clean them?
· I don't suffer from stress.  I'm a carrier.

[SirOsisOfLiver]

Top Ten Rejection Lines Given By Women (And What They Really Mean)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo geek in "Deliverance".)
9.  There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do it with my dad.)
8.  I'm not attracted to you that way. (You ugly dork.)
7.  My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you to spend the night, or you'll hear the phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6.  I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my cat and a half-gallon of ice cream.)
5.  I don't date men I work with. (I wouldn't date you if you were the only man in the solar system, much less the same building.)
4.  It's not you, it's me. (No, it's you.)
3.  I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2.  I'm celibate. (I'd rather chew tinfoil; or, I'd rather drink turpentine and piss on a brush fire; or, When bats fly out of my ass.)
1.  Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so that I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I'm having sex with.)

[Mindthinkr]

lol on # 6 

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Mindthinkr]

[Mindthinkr]

        A Reverend's Wife Tells About Her Day

The other day I went to a local religious bookstore where I saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back of my car. What an uplifting experience followed. 

I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and didn't even notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked. I found lots of ppl who really love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out the window and yelled "Jesus Christ" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting. "Go, Jesus Christ, Go"   Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving ppl. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw him waving in a funny way with only the middle finger stuck up in the air. So I asked my 2 kids, who were in the backseat what it meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and told me that it was the Hawaiian Good Luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave them the Hawaiian good luck sign. 

Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something I couldn't hear very well but it sounded like "mother trucker" or  "mother from there". Maybe he was from Florida too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the ppl were so caught up in the joy of the moment that got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray but just then I noticed that the light had changed so I stepped on the gas. Good thing that I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window and gave them the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away. 

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks. 

[Sandman87]

When the going gets tough, the tough use laxatives.

--------------------------------

Science jokes:

If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it crawls, it's biology. If it doesn't work, it's physics. If it's useless, it's math.

 

If you're not part of the solution, you're a precipitate.

---------------------------------

Advanced science jokes:

Physicist #1: "What's new?"

Physicist #2: "c/λ"

 

Q: Why is Thermodynamics so boring?

A: Because of the TdS equations.

[SirOsisOfLiver]

· Never do housework.  No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
· Remember:  You are known by the idiot you accompany.
· Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.
· Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
· Never let your man's mind wander.  It's too little to be left out alone.
· Go for younger men.  You might as well - they never mature anyway.
· A man who can dress himself without looking like Peewee Herman is unquestionably gay.
· Never marry a man for money.  You'll have to earn every penny.
· Definition of a bachelor:  A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
· The best way to get a man to do something is to tell him he's too old to do it.
· A man's idea of serious commitment is, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night."
· If he asks you if you're faking it, tell him, "No, just practicing."
· If he asks you if he's your first, tell him, "You might be.  You look familiar."
· If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, you're aiming too high.
· Women don't make fools of men.  Most men are do-it-yourself types.
· Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home.  He probably lies about other things too.
· A man with manners is one who leaves the bath to pee.
· When you meet a man who would make a good husband, he usually already is.
· A man's brain is like the prison system.  Not enough cells per man.
· Husbands are like children.  They're fine when they're someone elses.

[Mindthinkr]

1 minute ago, SirOsisOfLiver said:

Go for younger men.  You might as well - they never mature anyway.

All men grow up to be 12! 

[JTMacc99]

No way. I've got several parts of me that are definitely 14.

[SirOsisOfLiver]

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

[Mindthinkr]

[Sandman87]

Q: What do you do with injured chemists?

A: Helium.

Q: And if they die anyway?

A: Barium.

 

For years I thought I was broke, but learned recently that I'm actually the owner of a magnetite mine. How ironic.

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word "penis" on the chalkboard in tiny letters.  She scanned the class for a guilty face.  Finding none, she rubbed the word off the board and began class. The next day, the word "penis" was written on the board again.  This time it was written about halfway across the board.  Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she rubbed it off and proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's being written larger than the previous one, and each was rubbed off.
At the start of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word, but instead she found these words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

[Mindthinkr]

[Mindthinkr]

 

Sorry. Unfortunately for some ppl that is not a joke. Kidding aside everyone be well. 

Edited September 8, 2017 by Mindthinkr

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

How To Spruce Up Your Answering Machine Messages

• "My wife and I can't come to the phone right now.  Leave your name and number and we'll call you back when we're done."
• "Hi, this is John.  If you're the phone company, I sent the money.  If you're my parents, I need money.  If you're one of my friends, you owe me money.  If you're a female, don't worry.  I have lots of money."
• "Hi.  I'm probably home, but I'm avoiding someone I don't like.  Leave me a message.  If I don't call you back, it's you."
• "Hi.  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly.  I'll stick your message to myself with one of those magnets."

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

An engaged couple is sitting around talking, and the conversation turns to their experience with sex. The woman asks the man, "So, how many women have you slept with?"
The man gets all evasive, then replies, "Oh, I'd really rather not say.  You'll get mad."
"No, it's all right.  Honest!  Just tell me.  I promise not to get mad.  I just want to know."
"Well, okay then."  The man starts counting on his fingers.  "One, two, three... four, five... six... you makes seven, eight, nine..."

[walnutqueen]

After the wedding night:

She: "My dear, I didn't know your organ was so small".

He: "My dear, I didn't know I'd be playing in a cathedral".

[SirOsisOfLiver]

After losing his penis in a horrible industrial accident, the desperate man visited doctor after doctor, seeking a remedy.  Finally, a creative plastic surgeon agreed to substitute the trunk from a baby elephant for the missing member.  Thus equipped, the elated man went home, deciding to break the news to his wife over dinner. Before he had thought of a way to explain his new appendage however, the trunk swept up onto the table, grabbed a dinner roll and disappeared back under the table.
The startled wife demanded an explanation.  Upon learning of the operation, she became visibly excited and pressed the man for more details.
"Tell me," she inquired eagerly, "can you do that again?"
"I think so," he replied.  "But to be honest, I don't know if I can handle taking another bun up my ass."

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Mindthinkr]

[Mindthinkr]

This actually happened to me. 

SIL: "I have some pots. Do you need pots?"

Me: "Yes, I burned one in the kitchen earlier today and the house reeks. I need some." 

SIL: " I didn't  mean POT"

Me: "I didn't mean dope, I burned a pan on the stove." 

SIL: "I don't mean pots." 

Me: " Kitchenware?"

SIL: " No, the kind you put plants in." 

Edited September 12, 2017 by Mindthinkr
Dang, spelling error

[Sandman87]

Not talking about the kind of "pots" one puts in an electrical circuit then?

[SirOsisOfLiver]

Signs You've Grown Up

• Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke any of them.
• The idea of having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
• You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
• You regularly hear your favorite songs on elevators.
• You've gone from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
• Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
• Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
• Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
• You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
• Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
• Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset your stomach.
• You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
• A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
• "I just can't drink the way I used to," has replaced "I'm never going to drink that much again."
• You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.