Family Ties: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

[Cloud9Shopper]

How do you guys handle talking money and finances with family? And what would you have said in response to this comment?

Yesterday I went to an aunt’s house for a Christmas meal. She was asking me how my new job was going, since I just got promoted last month. The conversation was going fine and I was telling her about some of the responsibilities and then she said “you got a raise right?” So I said yeah and then made a joke about how Christmas spending basically negated that since I had to spend a lot this month on gifts and other things (sweater for a work party, some decorations). She said “well I don’t feel any sympathy for you because you got a raise and I had to get my tires rotated, and pay a health insurance copay and for the dogs’ grooming…” Like basically just spitting in my face because she thinks I’m rich now and spending money was no worry to me while she has to suffer. I mean, in addition to Christmas spending I also had to restock some household products and the eczema cream I use for my hands. Those creams are not $3 or $4 a bottle. I’m not in poverty and on the brink of homelessness, and life is easier than it was this time last year when my pay was barely above $50K, but at the same time, my finances are not perfect. I’m still rebuilding credit (finally made it to a “good” score on the FICO scale but still have late payments and delinquencies and being on a debt management plan affecting me). My emergency fund is less than $1,000. I’m so far behind on retirement savings. I am not making as much as people on Reddit who are making six figure salaries and can walk off a job without notice because they have hefty emergency savings and retirement accounts to survive without a job. 

Anyway, what would you have said in response? I was just like oh…. when my aunt listed all her expenses and told me I wasn’t having a hard time. This is my mom’s sister so I may tell my mom what she said and ask what I should do. I don’t think I owe a family member I’m not overly close to a breakdown of my monthly spending. I mean the other day I also had to pay a telehealth service for a prescription because my specialist doctor has really limited office hours over Christmas and no one has returned my call to schedule an appointment so he can renew it. (It’s not an emergency so I’m fine waiting, but yeah my life wasn’t all rosy in December either!) 

How can I deal with such conversations in the future? 

Edited December 26, 2024 by Cloud9Shopper

[SoMuchTV]

35 minutes ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

How can I deal with such conversations in the future? 

"Yup, things are tough all over.  Did you make that casserole?  It's yummy."

I mean, you told her about some expenses you had, and she told you about some of hers.  I don't know your family dynamics so I could be totally off base, but I'd just move on.  And know in the future to proactively steer any conversations with her away from finances.

[Absolom]

I agree something non-committal and a new subject.  It isn't like she point blank asked you how much you're making.  Some people are just a little clueless like that in how you might take it.  My daughter's in-laws have several people like that and I frequently see them around holidays.  That's nice or I'm sorry and a new topic seem to slide along a lot easier than engaging or even thinking about it.

[StatisticalOutlier]

2 hours ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

I am not making as much as people on Reddit who are making six figure salaries and can walk off a job without notice because they have hefty emergency savings and retirement accounts to survive without a job. 

You have enough problems with your own family.  The last thing you need is Reddit people.

[shapeshifter]

4 hours ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

…How can I deal with such conversations in the future? 

4 hours ago, SoMuchTV said:

in the future to proactively steer any conversations with her away from finances.

Yep!
Like: Have you heard the weather report?
Asking it as a question,
rather than stating something like: "I heard it's supposed to snow"
should get her brain off the "poor me" track for at least a few minutes. 

I'm guessing your Mom told your aunt that you were "finally" doing a bit better, and that triggered some sibling rivalry within your aunt. 
You aunt may have wanted to make you feel bad as a proxy for making her sister feel bad.
Or something like that. 

But if you want to use your aunt to practice being better at dealing with difficult people, you could just say stuff like:  “Oh, that sounds really difficult.” 

Regardless: Do not offer any money to your aunt!

This bit caught my attention:

4 hours ago, Cloud9Shopper said:

I had to…pay…for the dogs’ grooming…”

My wealthy sister sometimes goes off on tangents about her "poor" daughter, who has countless pets, including farm animal pets, including a miniature pony. 
One time I responded with: I can't afford a pet.
My sister just said: What? And looked at me like I was crazy. 
And dropped the subject of her daughter's finances and how much she had to spend on the animals.😉

I'd be so tempted to tell your aunt about someone I (really did) know who washed her dog in the bathtub with baby shampoo. 
But don't go there. 

 

 

Edited December 26, 2024 by shapeshifter

[Mindthinkr]

46 minutes ago, shapeshifter said:

Regardless: Do not offer any money to your aunt!

Excellent advice. 

@Cloud9Shopper

If she asks for money or a loan have an excuse handy like: I’m sorry, it’s already earmarked for some bills I have due.  

[Absolom]

I wouldn't even go earmarked.  I'd be more definite like I have no spare money or even my budget is overextended.  You will never have extra money or savings in family hearing again.

[Browncoat]

Or just say, "I'm sorry, I can't."  Repeat as needed.

[EtheltoTillie]

I had a busybody aunt who used to ask about money all the time.  How much were we making how much did our house cost etc.  Ridiculous no boundary person. I just said no you shouldn’t ask those questions and we won’t answer.  I had to just be straightforward as I didn’t want to continue. 

When people don’t respect norms, they do not merit polite treatment, esp. since they don’t respond to it. 
@Cloud9Shopper after your aunt asked did you get a raise the answer should have been I don’t discuss finances. The end. 

Edited December 27, 2024 by EtheltoTillie

[EtheltoTillie]

Keep practicing. 

[Ancaster]

On 12/15/2024 at 6:58 PM, Mindthinkr said:

I just got a text from my daughter. She is coming for Christmas dinner at 5pm on the 25th. Actually I’m good with this. They’re going to spend breakfast with their other Grandparents [the Ex’s parents coincidentally who both my kid and I spent Thanksgiving with….(He has insisted on remaining with his mistress who neither his parents or the kids, whom have met her multiple times, wants to spend any holiday with)   So I’m a making a lasagna. My child wanted to know what a to bring so I said garlic bread as it can be as easy or as hard as she’s chooses to make it. First Christmas together in ages (tho we have done Eves) so I’m grateful. 

I don't understand this sentence - he's insisted on staying with his mistress despite what?  His children/parents saying he should dump her?  How is it their right to dictate his relationships?  What am I missing?

How difficult/complicated can garlic bread be?

9 hours ago, StatisticalOutlier said:

You have enough problems with your own family.  The last thing you need is Reddit people.

People actually make life decisions based on what people on Reddit say?  I'm obviously too sheltered in my on-line life.

Edited December 27, 2024 by Ancaster

[Mindthinkr]

11 hours ago, Ancaster said:

On 12/15/2024 at 9:58 PM, Mindthinkr said:

Expand  

I don't understand this sentence - he's insisted on staying with his mistress despite what?  His children/parents saying he should dump her?  How is it their right to dictate his relationships?  What am I missing?

 

I’m sorry I wasn’t clear. After 18 years of marriage he was unfaithful. Despite his wife and family finding out about his mistress, he refused to let her go or give a divorce to my daughter. My daughter tried everything (counseling, mediation) to work their union out, but he wanted to keep both a wife and a mistress. Finally the court system allowed her a divorce after 4 years. His parents do not like the other woman. To them she broke up a marriage and wasn’t kind to his children. So it broke up the family. They never had an issue with my child. She remained faithful, never stopped allowing our grandchildren to visit them liberally, supported his Mom through breast cancer, and remained a dutiful daughter in law. 
   You are correct. Parents should not dictate what his relationship should be, but they have old school values and don’t approve of how he conducted himself or his gadding about town. 
   Are you saying that his parents should dump my daughter and grandchildren in favor of the mistress because that’s who he chooses to be with now? 

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, Mindthinkr said:

. Finally the court system allowed her a divorce after 4 years.

So, not in California.

[Dimity]

2 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

I’m sorry I wasn’t clear.

I  thought you were clear.  Mistress is not a term used when one is in a relationship and both people are unmarried.  Using that word indicated to me exactly what you went on to explain for Ancaster's benefit.  

And may I add what a total and complete jerk!  And while, of course, parents can't dictate the actions of their adult children they do get to decide who is and is not welcome in their own home.

Edited December 27, 2024 by Dimity

[Dimity]

On the subject of families - when do you get to stop being the easy going one?  It's a role I fell into within my family years ago.  But today I just feel like being the sulky baby of the family dammit!  I thought I had plans with my sister and two cousins to go out today.    Anyway I texted my sister a while ago and they left without me. 

She claims I never firmed up anything but I have text messages that say otherwise.

I do live off the beaten track and they would have had to detour to come and get me as I am without transportation at the moment. 

But here I go again making excuses and deciding not to rock the boat when I am actually really annoyed.

I want to make a scene but I know me, I won't.  But I want to!

[Absolom]

I would express my hurt to her and request next time if she's unclear to please text or call me to avoid this happening again.  I'd lean on the so sad not to have gotten to see you/be with you.

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, Absolom said:

I would express my hurt to her and request next time if she's unclear to please text or call me to avoid this happening again.  I'd lean on the so sad not to have gotten to see you/be with you.

And maybe throw in a few words about how maybe she didn't see your texts, but still, in the future, please reach out.

[Ancaster]

8 hours ago, Mindthinkr said:

I’m sorry I wasn’t clear. After 18 years of marriage he was unfaithful. Despite his wife and family finding out about his mistress, he refused to let her go or give a divorce to my daughter. My daughter tried everything (counseling, mediation) to work their union out, but he wanted to keep both a wife and a mistress. Finally the court system allowed her a divorce after 4 years. His parents do not like the other woman. To them she broke up a marriage and wasn’t kind to his children. So it broke up the family. They never had an issue with my child. She remained faithful, never stopped allowing our grandchildren to visit them liberally, supported his Mom through breast cancer, and remained a dutiful daughter in law. 
   You are correct. Parents should not dictate what his relationship should be, but they have old school values and don’t approve of how he conducted himself or his gadding about town. 
   Are you saying that his parents should dump my daughter and grandchildren in favor of the mistress because that’s who he chooses to be with now? 

No, of course not - on the contrary.

Thanks for the explanation.  Sorry if you've gone into this here before; I have a brain like a sieve, made worse by long Covid.

Edited December 27, 2024 by Ancaster

[Dimity]

2 hours ago, shapeshifter said:

And maybe throw in a few words about how maybe she didn't see your texts, but still, in the future, please reach out.

You and @Absolom  gave excellent advice and helped me calm down.  Thanks so much!

[oliviabenson]

reddit and it's posts are like 90% fiction imo. it does feel like most who post there are trolls/fake.

[PRgal]

1 hour ago, oliviabenson said:

reddit and it's posts are like 90% fiction imo. it does feel like most who post there are trolls/fake.

Yeah.  Especially here.  I know that Asian parents can be strict, but some are just way, OTT.  And considering that the posters claim to be in their late teens or early 20s, their parents would likely be GenXers.  GenXers aren't crazy strict like that.