iQuotes: Would You Like Brains With That?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Don E.: Punch buggy green, no punch backs!
[Major punches Don E.]
Don E.: I said no punch backs!

Clive: The bodies were stuffed into the trunk of an old LTD at the wreckers. A junkyard dog found them before they were demolished.
Enzo Lambert: So the bodies were moved from the original crime scene.
Clive: Unless they stuffed themselves into the car trunk at the junkyard and waited to get shot.
Ravi: Well, that seems like a longshot, Clive. Hmm.

Liv: He's missing his front teeth. How does that happen to a guy his age?

Don E.: You need anything? Protein shake? Eyebrow comb?

Sloan: Do you still have some of that whiskey?
Don E.: What? No. Even if I did, it would be MY whiskey, wouldn't it?
Sloan: Please. I'd been partying hard all night when you grabbed me. I have, like, no serotonin in me.
Don E.: What can I tell you? Make better life choices next time.
Sloan: Next time I get kidnapped?

Blaine: That sounds an awful lot like a vision to me. Last I checked, hear-see evidence is inadmissible in the court of law. I swear, you guys used to be better at this stuff.

Blaine: What happened to us? We used to be the OGZs. Now every time we get together, it's all "Where were you the night so and so was killed?"

Blaine: How many times must I evade and deflect the same questions?

Clive: What part of "na na na na, I can't hear you" don't you understand?

Peyton: Who's Mama Leone?
Liv: This very sweet lady.
Clive: A human smuggler.

Clive: You can't keep beating people up in the precinct.

Edited March 27, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Mr. Sparkle]

2 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Clive: What part of "na na na na, I can't hear you" don't you understand?

This made me LOL. 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Nelly: Sir, the contract allows for, and I quote, "minor artistically valid changes." That's all this is. I didn't even make changes. I made A change, one minor change. Everyone in the show who had the AIDS virus now has the zombie virus. That's it! And I would like to think an intelligent man would appreciate the metaphor. Look, bub. You're in New York. I'm in Seattle. There's a militarized border wall and then thousand zombies between you and my stage. Good luck stopping me.

Nelly: Where's your costume?
Actor: Work called. I gotta go.
Nelly: What? No. We go on in two minutes.
Actor: Yeah, I told you Nelly. Matinees are going to be tough with my job.
Nelly: You deliver pizzas.

Ravi: Oh, yeah, Swedish. And plenty of hot rocks. And have the peeler get in there. I want to be flayed alive. Thanks! Know what I'm doing tomorrow?
Major: Taking a super weird trip to Ikea?
Ravi: This week in all of New Seattle, no one got murdered so I'm off to the spa for a me day.
Major: Awww, a me day?
Ravi: I choose to ignore your tone.
Major: No, it's cool. I'd come with but I'll be subduing terrorists, dodging Malatov cocktails, you know - stuff that men do.
Ravi: Please. I've seen your skincare collection.

Ravi: I'd like some heroin.
Don E.: Far be it for me to, you know, care but that's a really bad drug.

Blaine So...you're a heroin addict now.
Ravi: Oh, like you're such a saint.
Blaine: No judgment.

Baron: "Bald, ethnic, street tough. Think Pitbull."

Angus: Nothing keeps us McDonoughs down.
Blaine: Not even a block of cement.

Angus: I forgive you, son.
Blaine; You forgive me?
 

Edited April 10, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Max: What do we do first?
Seth: Undermine her confidence, make her desperate for our approval.

Clive: Max wrote a popular blog called Wet Willie's Sensitive Tips.
Liv: Yech.
Clive: A how-to on seducing women. Roberts made most of his money as a wingman for fire.
Liv: That's a thing?

Clive: So you finally decided to get with the program? You tanned and dyed.
Liv: I figured why fight it? All the cool zombies are doing it.
Ravi: You all look alike now, you zombies. I can't even tell you apart.

Clive: What the hell is a weiner cleaner?
Ravi: I bet it gives you a cleaner weiner.
Liv: Morning after pills. And they say chivalry is dead. King Colossus brand condoms!

Liv: Solved it!
[Liv claps her hands and Barry White starts playing]
Liv: I guess we should have sex?
Ravi: Yeah, why try to fight it?
[Clive claps his hands and the music stops]
Clive: There. Now we don't have to have sex.
Liv: Phew. That was close.

Don E.: I'm boxing you up and mailing you to Gwyneth Paltrow! She's think that's funny, right? She seems cool.

Amanda: Wait, you guys think I [killed Max]? No one kills a guy that gives her multiple orgasms.
Clive: I'm not sure that defense will hold up in court.

Ravi: ]The poison] was absorbed through the skin. What's the one thing the killer knew a womanizer would come into contact with?
Liv: Tatas.

Clive: Can you confirm whether you sent the deceased the following text? "I hope your eggplant emoji falls off and you drown in a pool of your own poop emoji. I hate your pigface emoji, you rooster emoji."

Liv: "The teachings of Brother Love. Man shall offer himself to his zombie brethren and his brethren shall crack a man's skull and scoop his brains." Or this. "Those who wear the Fillmore Graves uniform are in league with the humans who would see us destroyed."
Levon: Okay, maybe he's got a point on that one.

Angus: Are you here for salvation?
Liv: Not exactly.
Angus: Redemption?
Liv: No.
Angus: Forgiveness?
Liv: We're here to talk about brains.

Angus: You know my son, Blaine? Quick as a whip, voice of a nightingale, successful to boot. And single.

Liv: I think I banged that dude.
Clive: Chase Graves? Yeah, you banged him.

Ravi: I need another minute for the toxicology report. Liv changed our filing system. The deceased are now arranged by hotness quotient.

Clive: Is the record skipping or is the music supposed to sound like this?

Ravi: This is my friend Clive. He's a homicide detective. I'm a coroner. I know, what a fascinating pair of gentlemen. They must have loads of stories. Tell them how fascinating you are, Clive.
Clive: I'm riveting.

Ravi: Let's ease into the splattered brain talk next time.
Clive: Is that where it went wrong? I thought it was when their Scandinavian he-men boyfriends showed up.

Ravi: Clive should be himself, only fun and less tightly wound. Oh, Clive should be another person.

Clive: Just give me the hat, Liv.
Ravi: I was hoping for a Frosty the Snowman moment. And the instant we gave him the hat, he'd become full of life and have swagger. He's be crackling with sexual magnetism.
Liv: What kind of perverse version of Frosty the Snowman did they show kids in England?

Liv: Code red! The herd has arrived! That better be a photo of his penis.
Ravi: It looks like she's crying.
Liv: Okay, it probably is his penis.

Liv: You told them about Bozio?
Clive: I want to be honest.
Liv: That is dumb.
Clive: I'm not going to be a liar to get sex.
Liv: Good luck with that.

Liv: I'm gonna go catch that D I was talking about.
Ravi: I'm gonna go home and make love to my girlfriend
Liv: Don't be gross.

Liv: Hey, I was in the neighborhood. I thought maybe we could talk more strategy, save a few more lives.
Levon: Was that before or after you texted me, "Down to duck?"
Liv: I sent that text to like ten other guys. Don't read into it. But are you? Down to duck?
Levon: This isn't a good idea.
Liv: When you talk, it accentuates your double chin.
Levon: Are you negging me?
Liv: What do you think of my hat?
Levon: I think Kevin Federline wore it better.
Liv: Are you negging ME?
Levon: No, I genuinely don't like your hat.

Levon: Liv, I'm not hooking up with you while you're on this brain.
Liv: Whatever. I don't care. I'm like barely even interested in you.
Levon: I'm going to get you a Lyft.
Liv: Fine. But can I at least see what my driver looks like? Never mind. Everyone's a ten if you keep your eyes closed.

Chase: Major is the new vice president of getting stuff done which means he outranks any of you because, well, he gets stuff done.

Clive: If you scratched me right now, what's the first thing I'd do?
Liv: Take Bozio to bonetown.
Clive: After that.

Clive: I never thought I'd say this, but I miss the fedora.

Clive: Do they have mirrors in the bathroom?
Liv: Yes.
Clive: So you saw what you look like and didn't take off the hat?

Edited April 17, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[possibilities]

On 4/17/2018 at 5:27 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Roberts made most of his money as a wingman for fire.

OK, that is funny as hell.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

11 hours ago, possibilities said:

OK, that is funny as hell.

Ha, when typos make things even better!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Liv: Fillmore Graves is the Borg.
Peyton: I don't know what that means.
Liv: Keep dating Ravi, you will.

Ravi: Time travel murder! Perhaps the impaled knight slipped out of the TARDIS seconds before its death.
Clive: What the hell's a TARDIS?
Liv: Something nerdy.
Ravi: It's the space time vessel from Dr. Who? Looks like a police box? Bigger on the inside?
Clive: I was hoping for an answer based more in reality.
Ravi: Well, I'm sure you'll find one once the zombie medical examiner eats the victim's brain.

Ravi: Not to be THAT GUY, but it is a lunch hour.

Ravi: It's actually called LARPING and it stands for live action role playing.
Clive: So it's like a sex thing?

Clive: Stop calling me "milord."
Liv: Yes, my liege. Your grace.

Clive: LARPing, huh? The thing that bugs me about D&D is you're just sitting. If there was a more physical version with badass armor, could be cool.

LARP guy: Fie, squire! One must consume an onion bloom from the inside out. Seriously though, dude, you're just picking off all the crispy stuff.

Liv: Fear not, milord, for both my sword and my life are yours.
Clive: You don't have a sword. Or a life if we're being technical.

LARP guy: Wait, you don't think it was us [who killed Garrett]? You know these swords are totally foam, right?

Liv: Your grace, if Sir Garrett did doth portray himself falsely zombie whilst in battle with zombies who believing him kindred fought without care, 'tis on Garrett's own shoulder the fault doth lay, does it not?
Clive: That's what I was thinking, but in a less annoying way.

Angus: Sharing a meal as father and son. I did miss this.
Blaine: You missed decades of them. I'm fairly certain this is our seventh meal together.

Blaine: Swallowing on command. That is a power I should never be entrusted with.

Don E.: Hey, stop requesting songs about tractors and cold beer because you're making everybody wish they were more dead.

Don E.: Cowboy brains are permanently 86ed, which is weird cause I think cowboys are to hookers as...
Blaine: Astronauts are to Tang?
Don E.: Exactly! I hear cowboy, I think Deadwood but Blaine, there was no dead wood. These cowpokes didn't want no pokes.
Blaine: Here's where we went wrong. Look at the fine print.
Don E.: "Professional born again riders of America. We tell the devil to buck off."

Blaine: Where do we stand on new muscle?
Don E.: It's handled. I already hired Carl.
Blaine: Crybaby Carl? I would rather put a volleyball on Dino's body.
Don E.: It's a medical condition, Blaine. The guy's got faulty tear ducts. He's actually a sociopath in a good way.

Blaine: So what brings you to our fair walled in city? The Cobain museum? The fish market? The coffee?

Boss: What's the problem, Blaine?
Blaine: I can't commandeer a prison bus full of convicts and armed guards. I don't have that kind of manpower.
Boss: You call yourself a crime boss? You should have an army of nameless faceless yes men who are too stupid to do anything but listen to you.

Don E.: Those are some good minions.

Boss: This is Blaine. He'll be eating you tonight.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ravi: Oh, uh, we should've warned you. This is our drawer of heads. We're calling the prison bus murders Satan's jigsaw puzzle.

Ravi: Who's that guy who put his victims' organs in jars?
Perry the Pickler. There's Ice Pick Rick, Zombie Killer Cain

Blaine: You don't want to know what I had to do to get this brain.
Don E.: You want me to blue brain it?
Blaine: It's my $100,000 gift to you. 
Don E.: WHAT? Did you get me Kid Rock?

Blaine: Just eat that brain and trust that I have a plan.
Don E.: Maybe you should lean back in your chair and do the Mr. Burns thing with your hands. 
Blaine: Like this? 
Don E.: Oh, yeah. And maybe cackle.

Ravi: Uh, do you have the top half of a hairy arm with a tattoo of a skull with a serpent crawling out of its eye socket?
Liv: Go fish.

Clive: Where'd you get this [jacket]?
Liv: Treasures abound in the lost and found.

Don E.: Will you judge me if I happy cry?

Liv: Eat a bag of-
Peyton: Fish sticks.

Don E.: Oh, just quick question under the heading "you probably already thought of this," why would anyone bid on one of these cures without proof that they're effective? Obviously we're going to cure a zombie on-camera for all the world to see, and then kill him in a way that only a human can die.

Major: So what am I in trouble for now? 
Liv: You have to ask? You were right there when Chase Graves crushed Mama Leone's skull. You probably had to wash bits of her off of you.
Major: Renegade was breaking the law and fully aware of the consequences. Her death, while tragic, probably saves lives.
Liv: Hey, Major. I've seen that movie, too. You're quoting the bad guy.

Blaine: The guy is a British yeti.

Michelle: I am Foxy Brown of Shondaland, the greatest thief in the realm.

Major: Just so you know, I'm out on the streets trying to catch a murderer.
Clive: I catch a murderer every week.

Peyton: Text from your other girlfriend?
Ravi: What does Miss Cheyenne Longneckings require?
Peyton: "Mosco Bandiwax fell to his death in the Cavern of Nasty Pricks." Does that mean anything to anyone?
Ravi: Only to a little old halfling lady in Mirkwood who will have one less mince pie to bake during the Feast of Belbuck.

Vampire Steve: What happens in the Misty Dunes stays in the Misty Dunes.

Tanner: So I went to the zoo on Freebie Friday. It was weird. They keep the bald eagles in cages. Why would you keep the symbol of American freedom in captivity?

Cain: I had this dog named Rocky. I loved him so much. One day he wasn't acting right. He got real aggressive. Started drooling. Limped around like I waited too long to put him down. I watched him suffer. Finally, I took him out back and I shot him. Was that wrong?
Chase: Could Rocky do long division?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Roche: [Major] just saved the commander from certain death. What do you know him for?
FG #1: Playing grab ass, sir.
FG #2: Binge drinking, sir.

Roche: In about twenty minutes, he'll be tucking Chase Graves into bed.
FG #2: Does Chase like a kiss on the forehead?
FG #1: Does he have a favorite story?
Chase: Damn straight he has a favorite story. It's Goodnight, Moon. And he likes his kiss on the mouth, lots of tongue.

Chase: Find the new Renegade for me. Then you get your Star Wars ending, you and Chewie and Han collecting medals.

Roche: You could get away with murder around here.
Major: I already have. More than once.

Blaine: Are you dumb for doing this or am I dumb for watching?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ravi: Your parents are going to love me. All parents do. I'm like a tall stuffed animal with a medical degree.

[Clive sneezes]
Liv: Sounds like someone didn't get his flu shot.
Clive: And maybe turn into a werewolf? No thanks.

Clive: It looks like blunt force trauma to the head.
Ravi: Oh, thank you, doctor. Do you mind if I render an opinion so all those years at medical school don't feel wasted?
Liv: She's got pretty big hair.
Ravi: And a pretty big penis.
Clive: I guess all that medical schooling did pay off.

Don E.: I said I want camera two on sticks, not hand held, and when he walks to stage left I want him backlit like Ripley in Alien when she says, "Get away from her, you bitch!"
Crybaby Carl: Just because you ate the brain of some jackass that directs music videos does not make you a director.
Don E.: Actually that's exactly what it means. That's how it works.

Bill: I'm giving the man a compliment. I'd much rather you settle for an M.E. with personality than an actual doctor with none.
[Emily downs her glass of win]
Ravi: Dr. Charles, I am an actual doctor and you're not giving me a compliment. You're taking a dig at me to get a rise out of your daughter and I want it to stop. Now.

Don E.: It's upload time - right after we add some hashtags.
Crybaby Carl: #zombie? #apocalypse?
Don E.: Sure. We want people to see it so #lesbians #twins #badonkadonk #bodacioustatas
Crybaby Carl: That's disrespectful, Don E. Women with large breasts are born that way.
Don E.: Yeah, some of them.

Ravi: Think of me as your personal genie - with no magical abilities.

Major: Has it crossed my mind? Yeah, I mean, look how he's built. Where does he even find the time to work out? But hey, it's not like I have pictures of Chase Graves taped up in my locker.
Russ: I think it's safe to say the truth brain's kicked in.

Major: Russ isn't exactly Ivy League material. Like maybe Brown - if he's got connections.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Major: Captain Hobbs, this is-
Hobbs: Unexpected?
Major: I was looking for a stronger word.

Ravi: Is that a snuff boomerang?

Clive: Where's Liv?
Ravi: Funny, funny story. She's been kidnapped.
Clive: It's not that funny.
Ravi: By Major. In a nice way.

Clive: I'm going to ask you one more time to button that.
Ravi: I'm proud of my body and if I want to show it, I'm going to. No one is making you look.

Clive: Do you notice anything?
Ravi: That he somehow got 10,000 views even though he's super old?

Clive: Thank you for joining us, Mr. McDonough.
Angus: Please, call me Brother Love.
Clive: That, sir, is unlikely.

Angus: From rapture to serenity!
Blaine: To infinity and beyond!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Peyton: I love you.
Ravi: I know.
Peyton: Oh no you didn't.
Ravi: I'm kidding! I love you too. I love you mucho. I love you mucho grande. I love you like gangbusters. To infinity and beyond. I was doing Han Solo. I thought it would be charming.
Peyton: It was a little charming. I liked the groveling afterwards better.

Chase: Is that Paul Rudd narrating?

Lambert: A zombie shouldn't serve time for killing a human any more than a human should serve time for ordering a steak.

Blaine: Unless you want me stabbing your horse with a ballpoint pen, you need to lay off my car.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Don E: Blaine is King Kong and the rest of us are merely Skull Island natives.

Blaine: Everything okay?
Don E: Actually, things are better than okay. They're the hunky-doriest. We got problems.
Blaine: So we're more like hunky-dory adjacent?

Don E: Convenience store surveillance cam caught a couple of zombies ripping apart some lady who had the bad sense to bump into their hooptie.
Blaine: And what's that got to do with us?
Don E: Turns out humans don't like seeing men of a certain complexion chowing down on nice human ladies.

Blaine: So who's here?
Don E: Think of all the people in the world you'd enjoy seeing. It's none of them.

Major: They're petitioning me to let two humans out of the city for a dance contest?

Blaine: I really do hope this is a social call.
Major: Sadly, no. I got a call from the brain plant this morning with some disturbing news.
Blaine: They told you then? That we live in a quarantined city teetering between self-destruction and annihilation?

Blaine: How's that hopey-changey thing working out for you?
Major: Stay in your lane, Blaine.
Blaine: Make a new plan, man.
Don E: Hop on the bus, G-

Blaine: People ask me how I've done it., turned my life around. Outlaw. Hero. Well, aren't those just two sides of the same coin? They have at least one thing in common - the need for a trusty steed.
Ravi: Skip it before I puke.
Blaine: Mogulball Motors. Where heroes find their steeds. Are you a baller?

Major: I should ask Hobbs to do this. Hobbs likes telling people no.
Justin: Well, you brought this on yourself. Chase Graves didn't let people leave the city.
Major: Ah, but Chase Graves had no interest in being popular, whereas being popular is what I live for.

Collier: Tell me about Dr. Chakrabarti. I heard that when he worked here, years before Seattle happened, he wrote a paper about the potential for a zombie outbreak. 
Saxon: He did indeed. 
Collier: How was it received?
Saxon: We fired him.

Delivery guy: Whoa. Morgue. This is where you keep all the murdered people, huh?
Ravi: By definition, innit? Just put it there.
Delivery guy: Order for Shark Body?
Ravi: Chakrabarti.
Delivery guy: Yes, Shark Body. Strange name. Is that a nickname? You got a dorsal fin?

Blaine: Where's your better half?
Ravi: Not now, Blaine. I've had a bit of a late one, feeling a bit ropy.
Crybaby Carl: The man asked you a question.
Ravi: And I ignored it. Blaine, you want to call off your lady friend? I'm not going to buy you a new one if this one gets broken. And what's this? Is she crying? What's the matter? Somebody must've minced that bucket of fish guts you call a face creating scarring near the drainage system thereby disrupting the normal flow of tears through your ducts. Or is you just a moppet? 
Crybaby Carl: First one.

Clive: Mr. DeBeers, to what do we owe the emotions we are currently experiencing?
Blaine: Good karma. Lady Luck.
Liv: What do you want, Blaine?
Blaine: I'm so glad you asked, Renegade. Look, I want to keep my hands clean. It's taken me so long to get them this way. If you don't hurry up and catch whoever is responsible for pulverizing the sweet lady on the gas station video, I'm afraid they might get dirty again. Nobody wants that. Not you. Not me. Not my corporate sponsors. So you see this? This is ten grand. To me this is nothing. If I take a nap and wake up, another one appears but you two, on your meager civil servant wages, this must be, like, a lot, right?
Clive: I'm sorry, are you offering us a bribe?
Blaine: A bribe? What? Can't a citizen offer a reward for the capture of a couple of no-goodniks? You have 48 hours. Then it's Blaine time.
Liv: Who had six months in the "Blaine begins to speak in third person" pool?

Liv: Can I get you something? A water? A coffee? Decaf? 
Bix: Coffee sounds great. 
Liv: Um, French roast, hazelnut?
Bix: Oh, I was kind of hoping for a latte.
Clive: Seattle.

Blaine: We had a deal, didn't we? I fill your bank accounts, and you let my brain shipments past your border checkpoint. I held up my end. But fellas - and lady - you quit holding up yours.
Border agent: That was before we saw zombies eat that poor woman alive.
Blaine: Ah, yeah, the video. Presents a real, uh, what did you say it presents again? 
Crybaby: An ethical dilemma. 
Don E: Moral quandary.
Blaine: Right.
Border agent: You said zombies were like everyone else, that they weren't monsters.
Blaine: Agent William Fife, you didn't read the fine print. Don E, what does it say under that six-point text?
Don E: "Unless they get hungry."
Blaine: Right. Yeah. When we're hungry, we can be real scamps.
Don E: You gotta read that fine print.

Trooper: Where are you headed?
Oliver: Yakima.
Trooper: What's in Yakima?
Oliver: Um, it's the hops capital of America. Birthplace of Cooper Kupp. Split end for the Rams? You like football?
Trooper: I meant what takes you to Yakima?
Oliver: Oh. Uh, my grandma lives there.

Clive: This is a spot where lazy murderers who don't want to fight traffic dispose of their victims.

Edited May 3, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[AngelKitty]

I would watch this show for the fun repartee alone.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Major: My job is pretending to be Robocop but knowing the Buzzfeed quiz explicitly told me I'm C-3PO. And Ravi keeps reminding me that C-3PO is an Ewok god, so I've got that going for me.

Clive: I know you're on fitness nut brain, but do not try to make me the Hans to your Franz.

Liv: Sweat is just your body fat crying.

Liv: You're probably overdoing it. It's a common mistake for young men. It's simpler than you think. Four hours before sex, you just take an ice bath, eat three brazil nuts, a spoon of fermented trout butter, and then during the jam sesh, you just sort of soak. Think of it as a hot tub, not a lap pool.

Liv: Bro, don't you want to be Ravi Rock Hard Body?
Ravi: Nope.

Steve: My cousin in Ohio thinks that I turned zombie for attention.
Clive: Didn't you turn vampire for a girl?

Major: You think your anger makes you special, Spud?

Liv: A pint of ranch dressing has 2200 calories, FYI.
Clive: Good to know, thanks.
Liv: It's just I know you like ranch dressing.
Clive: I usually manage to avoid having a pint in a sitting.

Peyton: I just watched a barbershop quartet sing Ebony and Ivory, two of them in whiteface.

Liv: I think this is our car.
Clive: Detective school is really paying off.

Ravi: It's corn syrup.
Liv: Nice work, Ravi.
Ravi: Thank you.
Liv: You just ate 57 empty calories.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ravi: I've been saving this up for a while so...that girl was poisoned! As was that guy, with cyanide. It's very sad.

Liv: This floor is made for batucadas.
Ravi: Actually, it was made for draining blood and embalming fluid, but that twisty, spinning bit was delightful.

Ravi: I can't ballroom dance. I mean, I can freestyle dance a bit, but not very well.
Liv: You don't even have to dance. You just have to pretend to be a dancer, which everyone will totally buy because of your dancer physique and natural grace.
Ravi: I have been referred to as lithe.

Ravi: "Can't decide what color we look best in. Confused face emoji. Can you come shopping with me? Praying hands emoji.

Bozzio: I'd say "'small world," but it's a walled in city.

Bozzio: So, you slept with her, then broke up with her the next day, and asked me to marry you?
Clive: Yeah. It sounds a lot faster when you say it like that.
Bozzio: You mean when I say it in the order in which it happened?

Liv: I started out in musical theater, did a bit of company work, and then just commercial stuff.
Tina: What about you, Jake? Any formal training?
Ravi: Yeah. I, um, studied ballet as a child. It's strange how it happened actually. Small town boy. A coal-mining family. My dad was this tough-as-nails widower who wanted me to take boxing classes, but I stumbled into a ballet class at the gym and I was hooked. 
Lars: Wow. Great story.
Liv: He's just basically Billy Elliot.

Liv: Why do you want out of Seattle?
Tina: I have an offer to tour with Cardi B. 
Ravi: You're a singer, too? 
Tina: As one of her dancers.
Liv: What about you, Lars?
Lars: I'm trying to get back to Madison to see my mom before she dies. 
Tina: What about you two?
Ravi: Well, honestly, I just want to dance on TV.

Liv: I just don't understand why you can't spend five minutes with me without also trying to solve a murder!
Ravi: Liv! You know how we finish -
Liv: Each other's sentences? 
Ravi: Yes! And sometimes can even read each other's
Liv: Texts! Minds!
Ravi: So what am I thinking right now?
Liv: You want to get the phone, solve the case, and eventually become dance partners.

Peyton: Yeah, well, I'd like to ride a lollipop horse down gumdrop mountain, but I keep those expectations to myself.

Clive: Was there anything strange about any other players? Something that might make people think of them as a freak of nature?
Water polo guy: I heard one of the guys can milk himself.

Liv: I know you're freaking out but remember, we don't have to win. We just have to look competent.
Ravi: Do you think I'm worried about not winning?
Liv: Ravi, this is your moment. It's going to be just like in the movies except better, because you're not dancing to win child support money or because your friend is throwing an outlaw prom. And you're not dancing to say, "Hey, Dad! I'm a woman now. I'm sick of this repressive 1960s paternalism!" You are dancing for justice. Hey, look at me. Nobody puts Ravi in a corner.

Liv: Let the music take control. Let the rhythm move you.
Ravi: Are you really quoting C+C Music Factory right now?

Clive: How is he a freak of nature?
Ravi: Third nipple. Triple nipple.

Ravi: I was on my way home from an event when I got the call.
Clive: And you didn't change before you left the dance studio because...
Ravi: I stayed to watch the other dancers. As you do.

Stan: I'll never forget Baron's first words to me: "Go back to college, white boy. This work is for real men." Once you got to know him, you realized this guy's a marshmallow. Like this one time, he insisted on taking us shopping for a first date. We went downtown and all he picked up was a black beanie.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ravi: Piercy was a genius. Big thinker. Futurist. Fascinating guy. I just expected more from his headquarters, frankly. A dome, at least, or holograms.

Clive: You say you were Mr. Piercy's principle life enabler? I'm unsure what that
Nora: We reject traditional job titles here. It's a tech thing.
Clive: But in traditional terms you'd be-
Nora: Personal assistant.

Ravi: In an apocalypse, it'd give me solace knowing you're safe in Cornell's bunker while I battle motorcycle cannibals.

Clive: Was he on any medications or vitamins?
Melisssa: Cornell was on a daily regimen of nootropic supplements and he took a microdose of hallucinogenic mushrooms for mental clarity.

Blaine: What do writers look like? Styleless, underpaid, insecure?

Liv: And what is "school"? Merely an indoctrination into a system of acceptable thoughts.

Al: Early de Kooning?
Blaine: I don't know. I just like orange.

Edited May 25, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Blaine: I can't take it. The [jail] break room TV is just repeating the edited-for-television version of Snakes on a Plane.
Major: You're toxic. If I let you out, people will riot in the streets.
Blaine: Well, I guess we're all screwed, monkey fighter. You see? Samuel L. Jackson just doesn't work edited for TV.

Dale: So what's it like being the most hated man in Seattle?
Blaine: I don't know. I haven't talked to A Rod in a while.

Cavanaugh: We'll have a warrant for his house within 24 hours. Then he'll talk.
Blaine: About what? My Greene and Greene coffee table? Or my Warhol polaroids?

Stone: Fun fact - no one in the history of the criminal justice system has ever gotten off as a result of a witticism or zinger. Don't speak. I've reviewed your case and from a legal angle, I've seen worse. From a PR angle, I haven't.

Major: Stacey Boss. I thought you were dead. 
Boss: I was close. You have no idea how hot a Bangladeshi summer is in a three piece suit.

Don E: Tanner, where have you been? Where's the booze? I can't run a bar with just vermouth and this melon crap.

Blaine: I am on a yacht to Ibiza. Blake Lively is hitching a ride. We're sharing a nice crisp Grüner.

Al: Did you really think this whole charming rascal act would work forever?
Blaine: It worked on you.
Al: It worked on me? No. I worked on you, dummy. You sad daddy's boys are all the same. You're so gullible. 
Blaine: You don't know me.
Al: Sure I do. You're another two-bit homicidal thug who thinks he's unique because, deep down, you're special and you're different and you deserve admiration - like from Peyton Charles, the great love of your life. You know what she called you? Her greatest embarrassment. You are a goon, Blaine. That's all. Just an average, run of the mill. I can see the headline now: Child killer shot dead. They would throw me a parade. You can show yourself out.

Major: Night vision goggles?
Ravi: Because the CDC couldn't find any trace of tainted utopium in the vial I sent, I had the idea to sneak into Blaine's mansion and steal back my cure, with the assistance of a cat burglar brain and a pair of night vision goggles.
Major: You know I command a paramilitary force, right? I could have gotten you those for free.

Candy: You know what my idea for a zombie brothel name would be? Coldcocks.

Clive: You need anything else, Liv?
Liv: Mmm. A raise wouldn't hurt.
Clive: No. 
Liv: Can I have a gun? 
Clive: No. 
Liv: Oh, how about a squad car? 
Clive: No. 
Liv: Diplomatic immunity? 
Clive: No.

Edited June 7, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ravi: I searched the AKA database for that utopian chemist Major told us about from the surveillance tape. 
Liv: Beanpole Bob? 
Ravi: Not a single hit. Several variations of Mike the Pole, Joe the Pole, so-and-so the pole, all miscreants of Polish descent. Ooh, one Beanpole Jim, and a cat burglar who perished in an AC duct. Zero Beanpole Bobs.
Liv: Beanpole Bob. Sounds like the little rascal that ended up on the cutting room floor.

Clive: I've got a mugging turned deadly outside of a hockey rink. It just needs someone to follow up with the Zamboni driver who witnessed it. Cavanaugh, think you can handle that?
Cavanaugh: Oh, sorry, sir. I was just lost in the luster of your warm brown eyes.
Clive: It's still my wife's office. If she's got a thing for my lustrous brown eyes, well, who can blame her?

Clive: So, Jerry. I see on your Le Dome application that you-
Liv: Misspelled "communication skills." What is that font called? Rube?

Ravi: Charlie?
Lyla: Gawd, did that bitch really not tell you she had a twin?
Ravi: Charlie just asked for help getting her sister Lyla a message.
Lyla: And yet she's the smart one, the one that doesn't realize saying "twin" is the same as saying "sister," but with more information.
Ravi: Unless the twin is a brother.
Lyla: My boss gave me your card. Ravi Chakrabarti. Medical Examiner.
Ravi: My number is on there, I thought you'd call and I could-
Lyla: Yeah, if given the choice of calling some dude on the phone and going to meet him at a morgue, I'm picking the morgue.
Ravi: Right. What better place to have a snog with your boyfriend.
Lyla: He's not my boyfriend. I met him at an open mic last night. He's just here because I'm not gonna go meet some strange guy by myself like a lunatic.
Ravi: Cool.
Lyla: You know I've gotta see one, right? I mean, I can't come to a morgue and not see a dead body.

Clive: You're not being upfront with us here, Herbert, about being the last to see her, about the tenure of your conversation. Why is that?
Herbert: Oh, I suppose I thought those details might make me seem guilty.
Clive: Lying definitely makes you seem guilty.

Liv: "Chef de cerveau"? It's a ridiculous concept. Brains, hot sauce. Throw in bits of whatever for the hell of it. Mix it up. It's not cuisine.

Liv: HELLO? Do those spoons look right to you? Do you even know spoons? Because those are both soup spoons.

Clive: This is Jake Dryden, the, uh, chef de chapeau.
Liv: The hat chef?

Clive: Jake was just telling me how he used to be the head chef at Le Dome before contracting the zombie virus.
Jake: It's hard to prepare gourmet meals when your taste buds are shot.
Liv: Beethoven was deaf. Suck it up.

Clive: How do you get your brains? 
Jake: They're imported. 
Liv: Smuggled.
Jake: A distinction without a difference. All of the brains feeding Seattle's zombies are smuggled.

Lyla: So, this British friend of yours is kind of stalking me now so thanks for that.
Charlie: Yeah? 
Lyla: Yeah. The dude's outside work when I get there. He's out there when I leave. He keeps texting me articles and YouTube videos and movie clips. Have you ever seen the movie The Notebook, by the way? 
Charlie: Everybody's seen The Notebook. 
Lyla: I hadn't. I was perfectly happy. Now Ryan Gosling is ruined for me. See? Almost just cried when I said his name. The part when Rachel McAdams is an old lady and then she remembers him and they die together - you're a bastard.

Lyla: Someone is happy ugly crying in her office right now.
Ravi: How do you think she'll feel when you show up in person on Tuesday?
Lyla: A brick will dislodge in her colon.
Ravi: hat's a vivid image.
Lyla: Yeah, it's not going to be pretty.

Darren: Murder? You gotta be kidding. I'm a people person.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ravi: I've done it! Best grilled cheese the world's ever seen - cheddar and jack melted to perfection on sourdough, toasted a sexy golden brown.

Ravi: Cars can be possessed. Herbie, for example.
Liv: Herbie wasn't possessed. You're thinking of Christine. Herbie wasn't evil. He was the love bug.

Blaine: When it comes to tables, I prefer noguchi to ping pong.

Scott E.: Dude, why not just say boat party like a regular human?
Blaine: Because it's a soiree, Scott E.

Jack: Call me if your practice runs late.
Emily: Dad, I'll text you cause it's not 2003.

Liv: I say there's something off about that Jack guy.
Clive: Liv, the man still owns a flip phone. Think he can hack a [car's navigational system]?

Don E.: Burrito Monday is officially canceled.

Don E.: Owning a bar is supposed to be fun. I shouldn't be doing grunt work. Gawd, my life is the worst!
Candy: We could switch. I'll run the bar. You could be the zombie prostitute.

Don E.: I just think this song's a little cheesy.
Darcy: Says the guy wearing THAT shirt?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Don E: Don't freak out.
Major: Not a good start. It's 3am, Don E.

Peyton: You've been on a junkie brain. Where does one hide drug paraphernalia?
Ravi: Nooks, holes, things of that nature. Or a hollowed out book à la Shawshank.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Liv: I can't believe I trusted a junkie. What was I thinking?
Ravi: It's not your fault. Believing in people isn't a character flaw. Duplicity, on the other hand.

Don E.: Do you have to make everything so murder scene-y?
Ravi: It IS a murder scene.

Liv: Ravi's first time in a brothel. Message received.

Blaine: Up your game. Get more guns, more guys. Get one of those net traps the Ewoks used.

Liv: Always by the book, Babineau. You clear many cases that way?
Clive: Almost all of them - as you know.

Blaine: [Bunny] was a valued employee.
Liv: She was a hooker.
Blaine: Who brought so much joy to so many. What's more valuable than that?

Clive: You can't smoke in here.
Blaine: What are you going to do? Arrest me for smoking?
Clive: Yes.

Peyton: What song says everything sucks but I'm over it but I'm still kind of pissed?

Peyton: Tequila, neat.
Waitress: Salt and lime?
Peyton: What am I, sixteen?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ravi: After all this time, the original batch of boat party utopium. Now I know how Sir Galahad felt when he at last held the Holy Grail.
Liv: The Holy Grail? So who would that make my father? 
Ravi: Mordred? Sorry he turned out to be such an irredeemable evil bastard.
Liv: At least he kept good records. Silver lining, I guess.

Liv: Like I would be interested in the input from someone whose style would best be described as British boy school CPR mannequin.

Don E.: Hey, do you remember the name of the bagpiper we hired when we tried scotch and soda night? Darcy wants bagpipes at the wedding.
Blaine: No, but I could strangle a duck for half of his price.

Gary: We both fled uptight Midwest childhoods, were way into drag. We were even the same dress size. We've done everyone - Jane and Marilyn, Jackie O and Pat Nixon, Cher and Charo.
Liv: Drag Charo? Kind of a hat on a hat, don't you think?
Gary: You're not wrong, but Mike's Cher was excellent.

Major: Toro rolls and wagyu. You need a favor.
Ravi: It's just that there's a thing that I thought we could do together. Might be a fun change of pace for both of us. 
Major: What? Like bowling? 
Ravi: Yeah, no. More of a "locate some kidnapped teens" kind of thing. It's the missing Freylich kids. I found someone who might lead us to someone who just might know where they might be. If we're lucky.
Major: Sounds rock solid.

Major: That's what this is about? You want me to be some kind of gigolo bait?
Ravi: I was thinking spy. It sounds cooler and less dirty.

Bitchcraft: I have better things to do than watch a couple of old queens make dad jokes and sing show tunes. Bitch needs to have her eyes checked.
Liv: As should you. Those lashes look like drowned spiders.
Clive: So what better things were you up to that night?
Bitchcraft: Watching Housewives at home.

Major: You have no idea what a drag Fillmore-Graves is. Day in, day out, one thing after another, and it never gets better. And the hat, ugh.

Bitchcraft: Okay, you got me. Yeah, I used glue-on rhinestones. Is that a crime?
Liv: Yes.
Clive: Or no. In a legal sense.

Liv: I saw the killer. I mean, a wig. It fell off during the murder.
Clive: What kind of wig?
Liv: Long, black, lustrous. 
Liv & Bitchcraft: Cher. 
Clive: The singer? 
Liv: Straight, so clearly not Mermaids. 
Bitchcraft: Or Moonstruck.
Liv: None of the '80s Chers. We can say that with certainty. Possible bangs.

Liv: We know someone with a Cher outfit.
Clive: I wonder if it's an '80s dress with sparkles.
Liv: '70s gown with sequins, but right idea.

Major: You stay here, keep an eye on the entrance. Text me if you see any more cars coming. I'll go around, recon the front.
Ravi: Why can't I do recon?
Major: Because I'm a trained mercenary soldier and you're a medical examiner. And only I have [a gun].
Ravi: Wait. What if there's more guys?
Major: There's no cars. 
Ravi: What if they hid them? Like we did. Or took public transportation?

Liv: Ravi, you did it.
Ravi: Major helped.
Major: I was gigolo bait, and I got shot.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ravi: They have retinal scans, Liv.
Liv: I cut off a dead guy's hand once for fingerprint access to a secret lab elevator. Well, Major cut it off, but I carried it around on my belt. I'm not backing away from a retinal scan.

Ravi: Relax, Major. It's much worse than you think. The formula is in a vault that only Dr. Saxon has access to. To even get into that room, you have to pass through a series of security checks. The first is a keycard which can't be copied, and if it's lost the entire system will be reset. His photo comes up on a security cam. This only gets him into the outer room. Next he has to pass more security cameras to get to the second of three checkpoints, where he has to pass a retinal scan. And this leads him to a vault that only Saxon can access. We have no way of knowing how he accesses it. We suspect it's by DNA, possibly from saliva, could be from blood. If any one of these systems is set off, it will activate a lockdown.
Major: Quick question - is any of that true or are you just doing the Tom Cruise monologue from Mission Impossible for your own amusement?
Ravi: Both.

Ravi: Clearly, American Ninja Warrior brain. We basically have to do a high wire obstacle course through the labs of Zone 19. On ninja warrior, we'll be able to climb walls.
Liv: Look, I'm just saying Cirque du Soleil is a bit more stealthy. We have to climb without being seen.
Ravi: We don't know what role they had. They could've been a mime.
Liv: Can I ask you a question about the menu? The Cirque du Soleil acrobat is an actual acrobat, right?
Don E.: That's what it says on the menu.
Ravi: Do you know what show they were from?
Don E.: They had a starring role in O, they only ate grass-fed beef, and they died peacefully in their sleep.

Don E.: [Ravi's] hair makes me so angry.

Ravi: Was that an "I'm sorry you're going to die" hug?

Major: I'm really glad we're at this place in our relationship where we can dig up graves together without having to talk.
Liv: We are easy like Sunday morning.
Major: Let's take a moment to honor how far we've come.
Liv: From fresh-faced kids picking out china patterns to zombie exes grave-robbing felon brains.

Liv: I'm kind of waiting to get hit over the head with that shovel and wake up duct-taped to a chair in your basement "for my own good."
Major: One time! I kidnapped you one time. Lest we not forget, you turned me into a zombie to save my life.
Liv: And you stopped bitching about it never.

Clive: Steve Reinhardt. I arrested him for involuntary manslaughter but he'd done time for robbing banks.
Dale: So he's not great at bank robbing 'cause he got caught.
Clive: Yeah. Good point. I'm not 100 percent sure he's dead. I gave them what I could find, but that's not the main guy, you know. I mean, they need the Clooney. What's Ocean's Eleven without George Clooney?
Dale: Ocean's Ten with Brad Pitt.

Don E.: It's not like I'm against us lurking around and watching Peyton Charles, but why?

Don E.: Here's what I don't get. How in the hell did the Ricky Gervais face making knob bag a woman like that? The guy ain't rich, he's barely a doctor. I mean, yeah, the hair, whatever, and I guess the accent. But I do have to say, the sweater and the cords thing sometimes works for him.

Major: A memorial for a zombie who killed a bunch of humans didn't seem like an opportunity to unite everyone.

Clive: I need you to focus on the task at hand.
Liv: You know how many tasks I can focus on at once? I clocked Gladys when I walked in while pinching two wallets and this watch.
Clive: Is that my watch?

Liv: Once I fan the mark, I'll tug my dress strap. Left strap means leather in the pit. Right strap, the prat. Both straps, I'm legit adjusting my dress.

Clive: We are in the south now. You don't put stolen jewelry in a black man's pocket.

Liv: How about parking closer?
Ravi: You should be faster and have longer legs.

Gladys: You are a man after my own heart. You watch the Great British Bake Off, you like cats, got that ass on you. I would climb you like a mountain.

Ravi: You are attractive girl. With confidence, more attractive. Hmm? Know your worth.
Ex: Thank you for honestly answering my question.

Peyton: You're going to kill me? That's how important money is to you. You're going to shoot me.
Blaine: Pretty, pretty, pretty. I don't have to kill you.
[Blaine shoots guy]
Peyton: No, no, no, no.
Blaine: Him, I had to kill. Well, ish.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Clive: How are we texting each other on a plane?
Ravi: Welcome to the future.
Liv: How are things on your end, Ravi?
Ravi: So far, so good. Warm nuts!
Liv: Problem. Lady next to me says she recognizes me from somewhere. She signed up for wifi.
Clive: Not good.
Liv: She's looking up The Good Place. She thinks I'm Kristen Bell.
Ravi: She will be sorely disappointed.

Don E.: Blaine has requested the pleasure of your company. Best I can tell, he's got some Beauty and the Beast fetish. You kids know the words to "Be Our Guest"?

Don E.: You mean, did she jump in for joy, so delighted by the dress she couldn't wait to be romanced by her kidnapper? 
Blaine: Generally, she seemed...?
Don E.: Massively offended, frightened, appalled.
Blaine: Frightened I can work with. Never underestimate fright. It's a solid motivator.

Don E.: Don't look at me with that tone of voice.
[Peyton gasps]
Don E.: Your first vision! You see anything good?
Peyton: Blaine smothering a girl with a pillow.
Don E.: Well, we all have our hobbies.

Peyton: How funny would it be if now I knocked you in[to the well]?

Major: You may be Seattle's most well known zombie.
Johnny Frost: I'm not even Seattle's most well known zombie in a six foot radius.

Major: You're not taking a selfie, are you?

Bryon: Ravi, you've made a tidy sum from book deals and speaking appearances, yet you still punch the clock everyday as the head of the CDC.
Ravi: I'd feel selfish sitting at home when I can still make a contribution.
Peyton: He feeds off the adulation of young researchers.
Ravi: Don't forget the allure of raw, unbridled power. I quite like that, too.

Clive: You were chewing scenery, again.
Liv: Sounds right.
Ravi: Uh, it's called making a choice and committing.

[Ray Adverb]

I loved the angry rant Don E. was going on when he told Blaine off.

Quote

She was the love of my life!
You lazy, cruel, preening, fop!
Nobody was ever going to love you!  Not Peyton, not your dad!
I am the only person who could stand you, and you killed my fiancee!

Best part was calling Blaine a "preening fop".

[bettername2come]

Li: Can we be serious for a second? If something happens to me -

Peyton: Yeah, I'll be curled up in a ball on the floor and useful to no one, so don't let anything happen, okay? Take care of Ravi, please. I'm probably gonna marry the guy. (Ravi overhears) Well, now I know your ass is coming back.

Ravi: Damn right, it is.

*

On 8/1/2019 at 6:08 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Blaine: Pretty, pretty, pretty. I don't have to kill you.
[Blaine shoots guy]
Peyton: No, no, no, no.
Blaine: Him, I had to kill. Well, ish.

Blaine: Wait. Were you  - sweetie, honey, baby, were you still secretly hoping I was a good guy? (sighs) Yeah. I was, too.

*

Liv: Clive enters through the front, past the racist security guard who thinks all black men look the same. 

*

Ravi: I'm the one who called you to say someone broke into the lab. My American accent's on point.

*

Major: You tricky son of a bitch. What was in the syringe you gave me?

Ravi: Max Rager. That's all I had on hand.

Major: You just had to be the hero, didn't you? Next time, though...

Ravi: Next time, it's all yours.

Major: You're not taking a selfie, are you?