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Veronica Mars Quotes

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I thought we needed a place to discuss all the wonderful lines the series and movie gave us.

I'll start with the line from the movie that made me think we needed this thread.

Veronica: You have what we in the trade call a crazyass murderer wall. It's a technical term.

ETA: Shoot. I meant to put "quotes" in the title.

Edited by bettername2come
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One of my favorites is from episode 2 (I think?) when Troy and Veronica first meet as she's changing her tire:

Troy: Flat?

Veronica: Just as God made me.

As a fellow small chested woman, this tiny exchange always makes me chuckle.

  • Love 2
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Veronica: In what world do you get to leave the ring and declare victory?


Veronica: I am so sick of not having money. I'd be the best rich person, seriously. I'd be the perfect combination of frivolous and sensible. Money is so wasted on the wealthy.

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Logan: Sorry. I had to make some assumptions about who the good guys were.

Tyler Carr: Didn't you just screw the pooch, whoever you are. We're gonna make you bleed.

Logan: Oh, good. I guessed right. Well, enough talking about it. Words into action, fellas.


Veronica: You watch murder porn, too?! I knew it.


Logan: Don't worry. I got the check. 

Veronica: I didn't want you to murder him for it.

Edited by bettername2come
why spacing,? why?
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Season 4x03, "Keep Calm and Party On"

PCHer: Eat a dick!

Veronica: Okay, but I like 'em well done. *taser noises*


Veronica: A cam girl? So what? It's not even in pussy grabbing range. You know, who even cares anymore? I thought that's what we're all learning. Nothing matters.


Logan: Einstein said you cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for death. No wait, that was war. Short answer: I'm not getting you cigarettes.

Chief Langdon: Uh, I'm sorry: Who are you?

Logan: How much time do you have? 'Cause I've been thinking about this a lot lately.


Penn: Okay, if you must know -  

Logan (from the other room): Oh, she must!


Logan: I assume any text that starts with "bring me pants" is from Dick.


Logan: That's Fake Dick.

Veronica: That's the worst kind. 

Logan: That's Real Dick.

Veronica: I take that back.


Drunk Veronica: Play "No Scrubs!"


Matty: When your friend was murdered were you angry?

Veronica: I'm still angry.


Don: After what they've been through, they're too damaged for anybody else.


Don: The blow to Lilly Kane's head came at an equal level. Which means that it was done by someone the same size, or smaller *websleuths look at Veronica* I don't know my eyeline. Can the Mars girl tell that I'm looking at her?

Edited by bettername2come
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4x04, "Heads You Lose"

Veronica: C'mon, young buck. The money is one thing, but when you add a sexual component, it really makes me want to shoot you. Can't we all just get along?


Logan: I think Piz is back there somewhere too. Piz? 


Leo: I never thought I'd say this, but I kinda miss Sheriff Lamb.

Veronica: Yeah. He was dumb and easy to manipulate, I'll give him that.

Leo: Yeah. A good lay, too.

*Veronica chokes.*

Leo: What? You know, those deputy jobs were very hard to come by.

Veronica: Off that, I think I'm gonna head out.

Leo: What? Because I sold my body to advance my career. Veronica, I was young.


Veronica: Would it be rude to follow him?

Leo: It'd be malpractice not to.


Leo: I don't like to use this term, but I'll do it because I'm in southern California, your boy....seems chill.


Clyde: Is anybody in this town not in law enforcement?

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Karsyn: So you're saying there's nothing I can do?
Veronica: I didn't say that. I never say that.

Karsyn: Oh, tell me we're recording this.
Veronica: "We're recording this" is my middle name.

Keith: Holy cuss! A rat caused that? Was it a 70-pounder?
Mr. Hu: "Holy cuss"? 
Keith: Yeah, sorry. My daughter and I have a bet who can go the longest without dropping an F bomb. I didn't think she could go 20 minutes and that was three months ago.

Keith: If feeling emasculated by my daughter was going to dampen my spirits, you would've found me out in the garage a long time ago - Cheap Trick in the tape deck, tube in the tailpipe. 
Veronica: What's a tape deck? 
Keith: I hate you.

Veronica: Logan's in Somalia. Maybe Burundi? Aleppo. Chernobyl? I don't know.
Keith: Do you expect sympathy from a man who couldn't stop his teenage daughter from poking around murder cases?

Veronica: Hey there. How much do you bench? 
Logan: 315.
Veronica: Good. So my refrigerator is broken or something, and it just so happens my neighbor from a few blocks away put a perfectly good one curbside. I'm assuming it works. Feel like carrying it into my apartment for me?
Logan: What's in it for me?
Veronica: A hand job?
Logan: With eye contact?
Veronica: Fine, if you hang two other shelving units and carry my old refrigerator back down.
Logan: What floor are you on? 
Veronica: Third.
Logan: Full on sex. 
Veronica: Sold. But I come first, no back door, and I'll need a ride to work after.
Logan: How far away do you work?
Veronica: Are you going to keep talking this much? Because we could forget the whole thing.

Veronica: I don't suppose you want to tell me how you got that giant bruise on your shoulder, do you?
Logan: What bruise? Oh, this bruise. I fell off a motorcycle, flew over the hood of a car. I tucked and rolled.
Veronica: Yeah, I saw that Mission: Impossible too.
Logan: Eh, I tried. Have you considered that maybe my life just is really Mission: Impossible-esque?
Veronica: Consider it? I assume it.

Veronica: There's sand in your bag! I knew you were in the Middle East.
Logan: Or, I hate to bring up Occam's Razor here, but maybe I set my bag down on the beach 20 feet outside your front door.
Veronica: No, this feels like Kuwaiti sand.
Logan: You really shouldn't be digging through the bag of a naval Intelligence officer.
Veronica: That's what you say you are. I'm still thinking you're an international playboy breaking hearts in exotic lands.

Big Dick: You know what this is? That's a used condom. This morning I was taking a walk on one of Neptune's beautiful public beaches and there it was.
Keith: Bullshit you were taking a walk on a public beach.

Veronica: How the hell did we let a crooked real estate tycoon come in here and seduce us into longing for a bygone era?
Keith: An era that never existed. Twenty years ago they were dumping waste water from the nuclear plant a hundred yards from the public beach. That's why you never got any taller.

Veronica: Logan's back. And he asked me to marry him.
Keith: What an asshole. I'm guessing you haven't picked a date yet.

Simon: Look, guys, it's a numbers game. That's all it is. Craig, you said that we had a 1% chance of leaving with one of these girls? I agree. We have a 1% chance times the number of girls that we talk to. And that is why, my friend, we are going to play the rejection game. 
Lloyd: Rejection, that sounds-
Craig: Rejection heavy.
Simon: Yeah, it is. But that's the beauty of it. So much rejection that you grow numb to it.
Andy: I was numb by ninth grade.
Gabriel: How do we play?
Simon: Gabriel, that's the spirit! We ask girls to dance with us and whoever collects the most rejections wins.

Wallace: We could bring the first course out here.
Veronica: You're doing courses now? Fancy.
Wallace: Oh, yeah. Salad.

Cliff: Whenever I don't know what to do next, I opt for suing someone.

Daniel: I did some checking. You're well respected here.
Keith: By some.

Veronica: End of an era. I've photographed some enthusiastic acts of adultery here.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Dick: I think the hardest scene for me was when I was supposed to surf while tripping on heroin cause I had to think two things at the same time.

Dick: So, V, I gotta say - playing an undercover detective has really given me a deep appreciation for what you do.
Veronica: Hold multiple thoughts at the same time?

Logan: I feel weird for asking, but, uh, what does Big Dick's right hand do?

Clyde: I can't get over how much you look like my niece. You're probably about the same age. When were you born?
Malone: Ninety eight.
Clyde: Yeah. Same as her. So high school class of twenty...fifteen
Malone: Yeah.
Clyde: Yeah. I don't know what kind of math they're teaching at your high school, but you should probably pay more attention.

Dick: Wait, what just happened?
Veronica: Clyde just saved you from statutory rape charges.
Dick: Oh. Cool.

Dick: Dad, Logan's poor now so the only time he drinks the good stuff is when I buy it for him.
Big Dick: Yeah, well, you can buy him all the good booze you want.
Logan: I'm not poor.
Dick: Uh, dude, I looked up what you make online. You're kind of poor.

Simon: I didn't know PIs looked like [Veronica]. I thought they all looked like, uh well, you know, [Keith]. 
Keith: Like molten sex gods?

Big Dick: You know Clyde here used to rob banks? You believe that? Who does that?
Logan: Bank robbers?

Chief Langdon: Did [your dad] have any enemies that you know about? 
Matty: No. 
Chief Langdon: Any debts?
Matty: Don't all adults? Don't you?

Veronica: Listen to this tweet from the pizza delivery guy. "Can Neptune law enforcement solve the bombing case? Will Chief Langdon be another in a chain of clowns and scoundrels? Remember Mars 1? Fail. Lamb? Corrupt. Dumb. Mars 2? Evidence tampering. Lamb 2? Corrupt. Dumber. #SeaSpriteBombing"
Keith: A pizza guy said that? About me?

Nicole: This piss wizard. Yep. I had to 86 him.
Keith: Why is that?
Nicole: He was forcing a passed out female's head down into his lap.
Keith: And that's why you punched him?
Nicole: No. I punched him because I couldn't find my uzi.

Logan: I guess that [Big Dick and Clyde] shared a cell in Chino.
Veronica: Two Chino alums, now community leaders.

Logan: Fine, what do I think about our hometown? After summering in Fallujah, Neptune, with its perfect weather and endless supply of head-high waves, ranks, you know, above it.

Penn: I'll take down the tweet. Okay, professional courtesy.
Veronica: From one pizza delivery guy to two people who do not do that.

Clyde: That little shit friend of your boyfriend, when he said you're a detective, I remembered an article that I read. They did a feature on you in Vanity Fair, right?
Veronica: Eight column inches. As you can see, it set me up for life.

Clyde: I appreciate your directness.
Veronica: Thanks. Most people don't.

Veronica: Alpha Jolly Amusements is owned by Liam Fitzpatrick, leader of the Fitzpatrick family. There's fourteen kids - thirteen criminals, one priest.

Logan: Sorry. I had to make some assumptions about who the good guys were.
Carr: Didn't you just screw the pooch? Whoever you are, we're going to make you bleed.
Logan: Oh, good. I guessed right.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Juan: Give me your wallet and phone, bitch.
Veronica: You don't have to say "bitch." You can be a scary PCHer and respect women.
Juan: How did you know that I was a PCHer?
Veronica: Your voice told me teenager. Your strangling hand is encased in a motorcycle glove. PCHers are a young motorcycle gang. It's pretty easy math.

Dodie: I should get that [infomercial knife] for my mom. 
Alonzo: Does she cook? 
Dodie: I cook. But her knives are shit.
Alonzo: Our machetes are shit. I tweaked my back on that Pagursky kid.

Matty: If the Maloofs did it, why'd they hire private detectives?
Penn: So that people like you would ask questions like that.

Daniel: One cigarette. They sell them across the street.
Logan: Einstein said you cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for death. No, wait. That was war. Short answer: I'm not getting you cigarettes.

Penn: Dogs love me. They can intuit my strong moral center. And plus I usually smell like pepperoni.

Logan: My mission, should I choose to accept it, from the official king of spring break.
Veronica: "911. Can you bring me pants? P.S. This is Dick." Why does Dick needs pants?
Logan: Why does he need to tell me this is Dick? I assume any text that starts with "bring me pants" is from Dick.

Logan: That's fake Dick.
Veronica: That's the worst kind.
Dick: Czar Casablancas!
Logan: That's real Dick.
Veronica: I take that back.

Veronica: Play No Scrubs!

Keith: Puffy face, liquor seeping from the pores, hints of BO, and am I detecting rancid vomit?

Keith: Anything good on [the video footage]?
Veronica: Helpful? No. Entertaining? Yeah.

Keith: What does [Nicole] have on her hand?
Veronica: A sap glove. And remember that. Sap. Glove. Because that's what I want for Christmas. The knuckles are filled with BBs.
Keith: It's too late. I picked out a really cute puke bucket for you, spared no expense. It's got our family crest on it. A calligrapher is adding the family motto.
Veronica: Ooh. "We used to be disgusted, now we try to be amused"? I'm going to be the envy of everyone at the vomitorium.

Veronica: Did you slay the rat king?
Keith: I did. I located him. He confessed. Said he was releasing the rats because Hu's sold him a bad steak.
Veronica: That seems like a bit of an overreaction, don't you think? 
Keith: I do.

Matty: [Penn]'s convinced JonBenet Ramsey was killed by an owl.

Keith: Matty, do you mind my asking you, did your dad have any enemies that you knew about?
Matty: Well, I'm guessing whoever was shitting in our ice machines every few days wasn't a fan.
Keith: Probably a solid assumption.

Matty: When your friend was murdered, were you angry?
Veronica: I'm still angry.

Keith: I work at AMFTPG Financial Services and I'm trying to verify some charges made at Mo Chub's Gentlemen's Club. 
Woman: Ugh.

Penn: Veronica Mars and Logan Echolls. Wow. People are going to lose their minds. 
Logan: Do I know you? 
Penn: Uh, you should. I'm in the zeitgeist.

Penn: Fellow Murderheads, as promised, I would like to introduce-
Don: Veronica Mars. And a fun bonus, Logan Echolls, one-time boyfriend of the notorious DLK.
Veronica: DLK? 
Don: Dead Lilly Kane.
Logan: Don't forget - son of the murderer.
Penn: Well, so say some.

Carol: His Instagram is intense, like, lots of lions and guns.

Dodie: Can we listen to something besides the news?
Alonzo: Come on. It expands our vocabulary.
Dodie: Pendejo.
Alonzo: I don't appreciate your ad hominem riposte.

Don: The blow to Lilly Kane's head came at an equal level, which means that it was done by someone the same size or smaller. I don't know my eyeline. Can the Mars girl tell that I'm looking at her?

Keith: Were you expecting a "And a special thanks to the fine folks at Mars Investigations for doing our job for us"?
Veronica: It would be polite.

Keith: You know Clyde didn't even carry a gun when he robbed banks? Once a woman went into labor during one of his robberies, and he dropped her at the hospital during his getaway. 
Veronica: He tell you that during your slumber party?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Dick: So my stunt double on this movie was Chris Hemsworth's stunt double on Thor, which basically makes us Eskimo brothers.
Haley Dunphy: So you slept with your stunt double?
Dick: What? No. That doesn't mean! And hey, I don't, but if I did, I could do a lot worse than my stunt guy.

Dick: Yes! I got it. 
Veronica: Chlamydia?
Dick: No, dude, the new Lifetime Christmas movie! I got that. Okay, it's going to be so rad. It's about this sad but smoking hot chick who falls in love with a mannequin who comes to life. I play her jealous ex, who's also a mannequin.
Logan: Ripped from the headlines.
Veronica: I'm sorry. She fell in love with two mannequins?
Dick: So goodbye, Neptune, and hello, Romania.

Nicole: I lose two-thirds of my patrons, but the predators stick around.

Dick: Hey, you familiar with Lifetime? Or Christmas?
Veronica: Or mannequins?

Charlie: All us boardwalk businesses are under siege right now and Sul was kind of our Princess Leia, organizing the resistance. You know, sending out emails, passing out flyers.
Keith: When you say under siege - um, there's no delicate way to put this. Has anyone taken a dump in your ice machine?
Charlie: See, where I'm from, the phrase is "turd in a punchbowl."

Tim: Big Dick and Perry, those two I saw a lot of. They both worked in the library. I spend many hours in there.
Veronia: Were they friendly?
Tim: Can't say, but they had nothing in common. I suppose they both were misogynists, though in very different ways. Awful people. You know what it's like when someone makes your skin crawl?
Veronica: I sure do. Oh. Self-awareness was never your strong suit, was it?
Mercer: Which is why I've had to rely on charm and good looks.

Veronica: Tell me the truth and I'll give you back the cash I took from you.
PCHer: Yo, Juan Diego, she took your money?
Juan: How about I just take that money and whatever else I want from you?
Veronica: The money is one thing but when you add the sexual component, it really makes me want to shoot you.

Leo: Hey, Veronica.
Veronica: Hi, Leo.
Logan: I think Piz is back there too somewhere.

Veronica: So you G men come to town and piggyback off the local shamuses?
Leo: It's page one of the handbook.

Leo: I never thought I'd say this but I kind of miss Sheriff Lamb.
Veronica: Yeah. He was dumb and easy to manipulate, I'll give him that.
Leo: Yeah. A good lay too.
Veronica: What?
Leo: You know, those deputy jobs were very hard to come by.
Veronica: Off that, I think I'm going to head out.
Leo: What, because I sold my body to advance my career?

Daniel: It must be pretty boring babysitting a congressman.
Logan: "The life of the creative man is led, directed, and controlled by boredom" - Susan Sontag.
Daniel: You're a strange individual.

Logan: Two natural loners and a 70-pound dog in a 600-square foot apartment is its own kind of challenge.

Veronica: You got M&Ms in that jacket?
Leo: Chocolate raisins?
Veronica: You're a human vending machine.
Leo: Liz - that's my ex - she'd always give me a hard time about being fully stocked. Snacks, uh, may have gone through the wash. More than once.
Veronica: Is that why she left you?
Logan: Why would you think that she left me? She left me.

Veronica: I don't even think he wanted to get married. He barely reacted to the rejection. It made me think he just asked so he could have the upper hand. Like he wanted to be able to wear the “I love you more” pants.
Leo: You ever consider putting on the peace offering tank top?
Veronica: Me? Maybe he should put on the "I defied the well-established boundaries of our rock-solid relationship" hair shirt.
Leo: All right. You know, from the way that you've talked about him, to be honest, I was expecting someone different. The hair trigger temper, random acts of violence - what are other things that we expect from a young Marlon Brando? I don't like to use this term but I'll do it because I'm in southern California, but your boy seems chill.

Leo: Leo D'Amato. It's nice to meet you.
Clyde: Fed, huh? Is anybody in this town not in law enforcement? You're here on business, I assume?
Leo: Yeah, still looking for Jimmy Hoffa.

Mayor Dobbins: So you're saying this serial killer that is terrorizing our town is doing so because of a lack of one-way streets on the boardwalk and neon signs taller than 12 feet?

Veronica: Are you going to get up there and speak?
Max: You know, I spoke to the other merchants, and it was collectively decided that the weed dealer going up there wasn't putting our best foot forward.

Veronica: That cussing mothercusser!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Veronica: Hey can we talk about this?
Logan: Yeah, about how I'm saving the planet by biking everywhere?
Veronica: Yeah, you're basically the Lorax.

Veronica: You know, I love Wallace and Shae, but some of their friends are-
Logan: Yuppies?
Veronica: Boring yuppies.

Veronica: I thought your therapist had driven all these dark thoughts out of your head.
Logan: Well, what do you know? There are a few left.
Veronica: Are you going to talk about this with her?
Logan: I don't like to go in with a set playlist. I like to keep it improvisational, like jazz.
Veronica: Another ding on therapy. It's like jazz.

Linden: I started an online gambling empire on the back of a credit card with a $500 spending limit. And now I own my own goddamn island, on which I am literally king. 
Langdon: Mr. Linden -
Linden: Because I'm direct. Because I'm not afraid to ruffle any feathers. And because I don't sit on my ass in the middle of a crisis. You know, years from now, when kids are building sand castles on Neptune's beaches, they're going to be finding pieces of my boy's skull. And meanwhile, Marcia, you and your podunk police department -
Langdon: Mr. Linden, sit down.
Linden: No, I'm happy standing. I don't give a good goddamn how happy you are.

Langdon: I said sit down.  Now out on dipshit island, you can swing your little dick around all you like, but Neptune? That's my island. I will find the responsible party, but let me make a few things clear. Your boy, may he rest in peace, was an asshole. His hobby was drugging girls who might not otherwise have sex with him. And you, sir, are under investigation for tax fraud and tax evasion and will soon be sipping drinks out of a coconut in federal custody. Oh, I know exactly who you are, Calvin Linden.

Wallace: Hey, look who it is, Noah. It's Auntie Veronica.
Veronica: Bearing gifts. You guy aren't weird about grenades, are you?
Wallace: Oh, of course not. And just in time. He was getting tired of the throwing stars you gave him.

Woman 1: We want to preserve the bathroom's original integrity, but tracking down vintage tile that matches-
Man 1: And you finally find the correct shade, but it's not the correct size.
Woman 2: Have you tried the hummus? A-maz-ing.
Veronica: I'm not really a hummus girl.
Woman 2: Trust me. It'll change your life.
Man 2: A PI. That must be fascinating. I used to love watching Charlie Chan movies with my grandpa. 
Wallace: It's pretty different. 
Man 2: Well, obviously, but the idea's basically the same.
Woman 3: Eliza was 53rd on the waiting list for three spots at this preschool.
Veronica: Ooh. Not great.
Woman 3: So when I got pregnant again, I called and I asked to see if I could get my unborn child on the list and they said sure. And here is the crazy part!
Nicole: How could this get any crazier?
Veronica: Nicole. Hey, when did you get-
Nicole: Shh. I need to hear the end of this. Go on.
Woman 3: Riverwood gives preferential treatment to siblings, so my fetus actually ends up getting Eliza in. 
Nicole:That's mind-boggling. I mean, it's nothing compared to what happened with Veronica's kids. 
Veronica: My kids.
Nicole: Yeah.
Veronica: Yeah, that was insane. 
Nicole: Insane. Well, tell her the story. 
Veronica: Oh, I've told it so many times.
Nicole: You have to hear it. It's so good, though.
Veronica: Okay. So I was searching for a preschool for my twins, Hakeem and Olajuwon.
Nicole: Hakeem is a dream and Olajuwon has the heart of a champion.
Veronica: You're very sweet. Well, the preschool that I liked is very gung ho about diversity. They hear those names, they make certain assumptions.
Nicole: They assume they were Black. And African. And Muslim.
Veronica: Yeah. But we're not Muslim. And so on the first day, two little blond boys show up and the school was like, "What?!" And while I swear I had no intention of gaming the system-
Nicole: She's just a huge fan of 1990s Houston Rockets basketball.
Veronica: Mmm hmm. But it's a great preschool, so I just kept my big trap shut.

Veronica: I wouldn't have thought of you as someone who vapes. I took you for old school.
Nicole: Well, my bong doesn't fit in my bag. Your bag is vibrating, Veronica. What have you got in there? 
Veronica: Mr. Rabbit, is that you? No, it's Mr. Phone. Hey, Honey Bunches of Oats.
Logan: Hey, Cap'n Crunch. Looks like I'm not getting off ‘til late. The congressman's getting stir crazy.
Veronica: Coolio. It's fine. Don't worry about it.
Logan: Are you high?
Veronica: Yeah, on life. And weed.

Nicole: You have a gun. 
Veronica: And a hairbrush.

Veronica: Comrade Quacks. Okay, how did a cosmopolitan woman like you end up owning a place like that?
Nicole: A shitty meat market with a stupid name when, on a personal level, I'm dope as hell?

Clyde: Find every last scrap of dirt on that lying piece of shit!
Keith: Penn's a punk, no argument there.
Clyde: I want to know every girl who ever laughed in his face, every sweat sock he ever tried to impregnate, every back zit he ever popped.
Keith: But you'll just end up making this into a bigger thing than-
Clyde: What, I'm making it a bigger thing? He stood up in front of the city council!
Keith: But Clyde, no one believes him. He's the pizza boy who cried wolf! And if I've learned anything from hip hop, you don't punch down.
Clyde: You listen to hip hop? 
Keith: No. But Veronica dragged me to Straight Outta Compton. I feel I'm up to speed.

Clyde: I've worked very hard to get back some semblance of respectability. And it's not like I don't get it. I get it. I mean, I've done some things I'm not proud of.
Keith: Haven't we all?
Clyde: Well, we haven't all robbed multiple banks.
Keith: Not for lack of trying.

Veronica: Have you thought about what you're going to wear? I'm thinking a backless top, but with jeans, just to balance it out.
Keith: I was thinking trench coat, nothing underneath.
Veronica: Ooh, the old standby. And where is your gentleman caller taking you tomorrow, dad? 
Keith: Duck hunting. 
Veronica: Kinky. You realize it's not going to be in a carnival booth? You and our prime suspect, drunk, in a secluded wood with guns. What could go wrong?
Keith: That's the spirit.

Keith: [Nicole] hasn't spoken about her expertise with explosives, has she? 
Veronica: Oh, yeah. She makes those perfectly round bombs like Boris and Natasha.

Veronica: My new friend is not a mass murderer. Yours probably is.

Weevil: You and me - we were close once. If there's anything left -
Veronica: There's not. My dad went out on a limb for you. He and Cliff spent a year building your case against the sheriff's department and you settled behind their backs.
Weevil: I had a wife and a daughter to think about. I don't live on Cherry Tree Lane, V! I needed the money Does that make me a criminal?
Veronica: No. Being a criminal makes you a criminal.

Keith: You buying that letter? It reeks of knucklehead.

Matty: I told Penn your theory about all the criminal activity being sourced back to Chino. I didn't think he'd go broadcasting it
Keith: It's okay. I knew a girl your age who frequently made ill-advised decisions.
Veronica: Who?

Veronica: You named your dog The Missus?
Cliff: Says the owner of a dog named Pony.

Veronica: Middle aged white guys share secrets with others of their kind, don't they?
Cliff: How else would we know which no prescription needed websites selling Viagra are legit?
Veronica: Gross.

Cliff: You know me, Veronica. What do I always say?
Veronica: "Are you going to eat that?"
Cliff: Please. I always say, "You don't negotiate with terrorists."
Veronica: I don't think I've heard you say that once in the 25 years I've known you.

Veronica: Where'd this money come from?
Juan: My wallet. You stole them.
Veronica: How did you get them?
Juan: I own a casino.

Veronica: I cannot deal with Therapy Logan right now. Logan: You know, there's this scene in The Crucible-
Veronica: Broadway Logan might not be much better.

Veronica: Is that a woman's jacket, Vinnie?
Vinnie: It was free!
Veronica: I should hope so.

Carol: It's a weird phrase, isn't it? I mean, how often do you reference prostituting yourself?
Penn: Uh, never.
Carol: Yeah! Who says that?
Penn: Well, weirdos and serial bombers, it seems.

Veronica: How did you know where I lived?
Matty: You had that "No High Rises" button in your car, and the only people who give a shit about high rises are beach people. And given your ten year old Hyundai, the place had to be rent-controlled, limiting me to a small section of beachfront property. And I knew you had a big dog because of the big dog toys in said beater car. I saw a leash hanging outside your door.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
  • Love 2
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Veronica: Matty's family left on a spring break vacation to Paris. Matty's mom and stepfather were in first class, so neither of them noticed that Matty never boarded.
Keith: She Home Aloned them.

Veronica: Nicole sold Comrade Quacks to Big Dick Casablancas just days after confronting him at the city council meeting.
Keith: But someone was just telling me that Nicole couldn't be a suspect because she would never destroy her own business by setting off these bombs.
Veronica: Well, that person, whoever it was, is a real asshole. Alexa, who's the bomber?
Keith: Uh, we don't have one of those.

Matty: Did you know that Big Dick left his first wife for this tart 20 years younger than him?
Veronica: I know everything.
Matty: Did you know that Big Dick had a son who blew up a busload of kids?
Veronica: Fully up to speed.

Veronica: Clyde was well known for robbing banks using nothing more than good manners and his bedroom voice.

Don: I only have a few minutes before I have to brief Senator Klynholtz. Which tie best tells the House Republicans to jam it up their asses?
Penn: Uh, no tie. A dashiki. And I always thought you'd look good in a kufi prayer cap.
Don: So blue tie.

Leo: FBI agents are ineligible to collect rewards.
Veronica: So what I'm hearing is that there is no reason you should not tell me everything you know.

Keith: So Leo said it was okay for you to photograph confidential FBI files?
Veronica: Not in those exact words.
Keith: Which words did he use?
Veronica: It was more of a vibe. There was a twinkle of consent in his eye, the invitation implicit in the very act of leaving the room.
Keith: Implicit because he left you in the room and didn't specifically say, "Please don't photograph these." 
Veronica: See? You get it.

Penn: Big Dick Casablancas has a Twitter feed called BigDickProps.
Veronica: Ugh.

Veronica: What's wrong with watching TV and having sex? That's therapy for me.

Veronica: I'm going to go see some naked ladies and scare a buffoon! You want to come?

Vinnie: I will not go to the champagne room with you. Do I have money? Yes. I got a lot of money. But I can tell by the pitter patter of your little footsteps that you're a little light in the caboose and the ladies I take to the champagne room are a lot of things, but light in the caboose is not one of them. Oh, hey, Veronica.
Veronica: This place has a champagne room?
Vinnie: You know what? It's that air of superiority, that patronizing tone, that has sparked a political backlash. White men - we're not going to take it anymore, right, guys?
Veronica: Uh, you run a business out of a strip club. I can't help but feel superior. Also yeah, the results are in. I am superior.
Vinnie: We're at a titty bar. That means I win.

Clyde: Leaving messages like this for me, messages where you ask me to set up a trust fund for the kid of a guy suspected of bombing a building that we are desperate to buy, is a very good way to end up back in prison. 
Big Dick: That's why I used initials. 
Clyde: A ten year old could figure that out.

Clyde: We have an image problem at Team Casablancas. Small business owners don't want to sell to this tall, tan, handsome, Maserati driving prick.

Weevil: We can't all be like you, practically perfect in every way.
Veronica: Sure you can. It's easy. First, stop working on behalf of the richest asshole in Neptune in a plot to drive you and your people out of town. Sorry, does the truth hurt? You need a spoonful of sugar to make that medicine go down?
Weevil: I wake up every day trying to figure out a way to take care of my people. But you? You've got degrees from Stanford and Columbia that you don't even use. You'd rather stay in this town that you say you hate, tasing teenagers and making them wet their pants.
Veronica: You had a wife and a daughter and a legit business, and you pissed it all away.
Weevil: I got shot, Veronica. Some rich white lady shot me and I got arrested!
Veronica: Yeah, that was shitty. And I was there for you. And so was my dad and so was Cliff. But you were weak. Just go. Get out of here. Go be a low level hood. But know this - that is how I'm going to treat you. And when you are run out of this town, don't forget I told you so.

Military guy: You're kidding, right? I break a shitload of government regs, risk a court martial - for milkshake money?
Logan: Re-gifted milkshake money at that.

Logan: So I learned something today.
Veronica: Finnish is derived from Russian? No. Dogs have 42 teeth.

Keith: Something wrong?
Veronica: Nothing a strip club can't fix.
Keith: Excuse me?
Veronica: What? You're always saying we don't do enough father-daughter stuff.

Amalia: I am sick of these hotel stores. They don't have anything.
Alex: Then why so many bags?
Amalia: Shut up.

Veronica: Leo! Fancy finding you at Comrade Quacks. I didn't know you tried to pick up drunken college girls when you got off duty.
Leo: You know, it's just been so long since I've had a hobby, but now let's just say that I know all the names of the raunchy drinks. Barkeep! Let's get a Bend Over Shirley, a Sex On My Face, and I will have a Cocksucking Cowboy.

Veronica: I knew it! You left out those folders for me to find so I'd do free legwork for you!
Leo: I prefer to think of it as you doing your patriotic duty.

Veronica: Matty, this is Leo. Leo, this is Matty, my protege.
Leo: Okay, so don't shoot her? Good. The paperwork would take all night.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
  • Love 1
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Dodie: [Veronica]'s going to get a ticket if she doesn't move her car soon.
Alonzo: Maybe you should knock on her door and let her know. You notice all the fast food places here use paper straws? You know, because of the sea turtles.
Dodie: We should have followed the father.
Alonzo: So you could bitch about how we should have followed the daughter? Just be where you are.

Veronica: Wallace should be here-
[Wallace knocks on the door]
Veronica: Five minutes early, like a dick.

Carol: Hearst student and Pi Sig president Campbell Davis got a DUI last month. He's on academic probation and his pledge name was Jizz Mop. 
Don: Gawd, I miss Hearst.

Herc: [Darren Silva] was pretty active on social media. The standard stuff - until the night Hatcher died. After that, radio silence.
Veronica: Not even one tweet saying, "What happened that night makes me want to murder future spring breakers"?
Don: Hey, if the desire to murder spring breakers is wrong, I don't want to be right.
Carol: Ugh. Don!
Don: Oh, lighten up. Everyone who's ever lived in Neptune has thought it.
Wallace: Yeah, I've thought it. Damn, did I say that out loud? For the record, I'm not the murderer.

Veronica: I've been listening to the bug I planted in Nicole's office and I hate myself.
Keith: So stop listening.
Veronica: Stop listening? Is that possible?
Keith: If you're sure about her, the next time you're at the bar just take back the bug and just go on having your, uh, whatever the female version of a bromance is.
Veronica: A friendship?
Keith: A friendship.

Veronica: Do character flaws count less if you're self-aware about them? I went out with a guy for a while at Columbia who was up front about his jealousy. He knew it was wrong, apologized for it. But he was still the asshole who wanted the gory details about every guy I'd ever touched. His self-awareness didn't stop me from dropping him.

Nicole: The beauty of being friends with me is that whatever you've done, I've done something worse.

Nicole: How do you feel about mud baths?
Veronica: Uh, I support them for pigs.

Veronica: So what does one do in a motel room with no electricity?
Matty: Eat. Sleep. Entertain revenge fantasies.

Leo: As luck would have it, they're playing The Big Lebowski at the Orpheus tonight. I'm ready to right this wrong if you are.
Veronica: Why would I watch it at that moldy dump when I have the director's cut and the ingredients for White Russians at home?
Leo: Sold. What time should I be there?
Veronica: That wasn't an invitation.
Leo: Ooh. Sounded like one.
Veronica: You are not coming over to Lebowski and chill.
Leo: You're turning this into something tawdry. What's wrong with a couple of cinephiles watching what you conside to be a classic movie? Unless you were thinking it was something more.
Veronica: I wasn't.
Leo: You afraid of being alone with me?
Veronica: I'm leaving now.
Leo: Okay, so is that a yes or a no on me coming over?
Veronica: It was a "no invitation has ever been issued."
Leo: You sure? Uh, can the court reporter please play back the transcript starting with the part about owning the movie in question and having the cocktail ingredients at home?

Leo: Okay, uh, I guess we're hitting the road to go pick up the guy that nobody in this room believes is guilty.

Leo: Learned a lot about Mr. Epner since yesterday. At 18, he lands in Neptune to go to Hearst, starts playing Assassination. Remember that being the thing?
Veronica: Yeah, a bunch of dildo college boys shooting each other with paint pellets until only one dildo survives.
Leo: Only Penn took the game a little bit too far. Always had to be number one on the kill list. Shot a classmate while he was taking an exam. Kid lost his eye.So he gets kicked out of Hearst and at his expulsion hearing they ask him was it worth it, you know, getting kicked out, failing all your classes, taking out a friend's eye. He answers, "Well, I won, didn't I?"

Cliff: You're going to get out tomorrow if they don't have enough to arrest you with, and I don't think they do.
Penn: Yeah, you know why? I don't bomb people.
Cliff: If, however, you do know where that bomb is, and you don't tell them, I will run you over in the parking lot after your acquittal.

Cliff: It's bizarre, but let's face it, the world stopped making sense when Prince died.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
  • Love 3
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Keith: Who else knows about the nail in Penn's back from the Sea Sprite explosion?
Veronica: Murderheads, police, doctors, us.
Penn: So all of Neptune. Cool, cool.

Veronica: Of course I'm taking your name after we get married! I'm nothing if not old-fashioned.
Logan: Veronica Echolls? I'm not seeing it.
Veronica: I think the Echolls is radioactive. I was going to take your first name.
Logan: Veronica Logan?
Veronica: Or you know what we could do?
Logan: I could change my last name to Mars!
Veronica: Is it unconventional? Yes. Is it crazy? Who's to say? Logan Mars. That sounds like a guy who plays by his own rules.

Veronica: You didn't move them, did you?
Keith: Well, no, but who the hell knows? I don't remember pouring this, but apparently I did.
Veronica: Or I did. 
Keith: Oh, yeah. Did I thank you? 
Veronica: Only with your eyes.

Veronica: One of the surviving frat boys already described you. "Looks like a hobbit. Kind of a dipshit." Hey, that rhymes. You love that crap.
Penn: So now you're just flat out insulting me.

Keith: What you got there, Penn?
Penn: My detective bag. Camera, binoculars, power bars, pee funnel.

Penn: It wasn't like it is today - dispensary on every corner. It was a nightmare finding good weed. But, as luck would have it, Don's grandpa had glaucoma.

Veronica: Using the "babysitter was late" excuse when required seems like the best reason to have kids.

  • Love 2
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Veronica: But just so you know, if the situation were reversed, I would consider your privacy sacred.

Logan: You are high.


Veronica: Alexa, who’s the bomber?

Keith: We don’t have one of those.

Veronica: Then who the hell’s been talking to me when you’re not here?


Random guy: Neptune Spring Break is honestly worse than Fyre Festival.


Logan: Hey. You notice any international hotspots back to room temperature, that was me.


Veronica: I'm enthusiastic. I just need to keep my dad focused until we find this bomb. Otherwise he's gonna want to talk wedding dresses and guest list. Don't you roll your eyes at me! I will marry your ass right now. PostMate that shit. I'll put my bra back on! I'm a hundred percent serious!


Logan: You remember Veronica.

Parker: Does anyone forget Veronica?

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Rewatched Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough

Jackie: "Lurking?  You mean standing while black?"

Weevil: "You know your case must really suck if your prime suspect is a six year old."

*After getting JB to confess*
Veronica: "Ta-da!"

Mr Clemmons: "This would be a prime example of why I consider the advice of some of my students."

Logan: "Would that you could spit out the memories."

Keith: "You're Terrence Cook.  You wouldn't kill a bus full of kids.  I still believe that."

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Going off Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough

Veronica: "Slushies, Slushies. Get your iced cold sugar water."

Logan: "You had me at iced cold."

Veronica: "What's your poison?"

Logan: "Ahh, Emotionally unavailable women."

Logan: "Um let's see, I want something that suits my mood."

Veronica: "Ohhh I'm sorry, we're all out of liquid evil."

Veronica: "It's a 50 dollar bill."

Logan: "I have them made special."

Weevil: "Is it your undying love for me? Or just good old fashioned lust?"

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