S17.E13: Qualifiers 2

[Mr. Sparkle]

Live from the Pasadena Civic Auditorium, the next 11 acts compete to see which two will go on to the Finals. 

Airs Tuesday, August 16th at 8:00 PM EDT. 

[ams1001]

I liked pants guy the first time but I was wondering how many pants puns he could do. He had a few good ones tonight but his audition was better; that may be in part because the first time I was expecting something exceptionally stupid based on his costume and he actually turned out to be pretty funny. (That said, I still maintain they shouldn't be able to buzz once it's up to the audience.)

I will take their word for it that Fusion Japan was good, because half of what I saw looked like it was filmed from half a mile away, a quarter of it was close up enough that it was just a jumble of movement, and most of the rest of the time I was watching the judges staring slack-jawed for several seconds at a time.

Why is the music fairy drinking windex backstage? I'd vote her off just for getting that song stuck in my head. Her dress was pretty, though.

Tonight is not the night for the stand-up comics. Aiko Tanaka had too many long pauses and too much yelling. ("I am uncomfortable right now"...yeah, me, too.)

Sure, Terry just "decided" to put Madison in the audience to see if the judges would "happen" to notice her. Uh, huh.

Um, I guess Chapel Heart were good. Still not a country fan.

If I had to vote I think I'd go with Wyn Starks (despite the sob story, I like his voice, and his butterfly jacket) and I guess The Brown Brothers (because they're actually something a bit different, even though I don't think I would have gotten Donkey if they hadn't told me what the voice was supposed to be). I like the magician well enough, too. 

[Maverick]

 I miss last week's episode.  Were all the acts this bad then too?  The comics were cringy.   Neither of them were landing and it was uncomfortable watching them falter (the woman more so than Mr. Pants).  Elf Lady was overproduced?   That's your fault Simon.   Production forces all the bells and whistles (or in some cases smoke and mirrors) on these acts.  Kudos to Heidi for calling it out and shocking Simon when she did.  So Terry planted that girl in the audience?  Isn't this the first we've heard of that?   And Simon emphatically states everyone thought it was planned but no, he had no idea what "Terry" did.  Uh huh.  And we totally believe there's no inflation.  Another fiction:  that Chapel Hart isn't the pre-determined winner for the season.

[Frisky Wig]

I was in the bathroom when Aiko Tanaka was doing her act and failing miserably and I could hear Howie laughing. At what, Howie? She wasn’t funny. 
 

Aiko: “I’M UNCOMFORTABLE RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “uh-huh, telling jokes and hearing people not laugh will do that to you.”

Also thought it was rude how they just cut Heidi off while she was judging Aiko. TPTB probably realized Heidi was complimenting Aiko and gushing over her and thought “hell no, we already sat through Howie spewing about ‘you can feel the love in the room!!!!’ nonsense. Cut this crap and let’s move on to Maddie!”

Edited August 17, 2022 by Frisky Wig
Put Aiko’s “joke” in all caps to emphasize that she was yelling.

[Neet]

The entire show was painful, and probably the worst of the season. I can barely even relate the acts to my own imaginary stupidity, that's how bad it was.

The Pack Drumline - Another group of supposedly homeless guys who are athletic and ripped, in addition to being in no hurry to try auditioning years ago. They beat a drum to the song 'Astronaut in the Ocean', which is probably the most unabashedly upbeat song about the Challenger shuttle to be recorded. When they started pounding on the drums, I leapt up from bed thinking my alarm had gone off, but it wasn't 6 PM on a weekday. At one point, they put blindfolds on and continued drumming, but that's not really impressive if the kit is right in front of them.

The Brown Brothers - They presumably survived naval combat for being too awkward to come out of hiding and greet their guests on the other side of the turf, so being autistic isn't all bad. Being able to connect with the audience at all makes me believe they're faking, as I expected this to be a musical routine of them staring at the floor and stammering. Transferring into showing recordings of previous voices helped the act not get as stale, but nobody's even going to know what Mickey Mouse and all these other Disney characters sound like in a few years because they're nonexistent outside of the parks. Once legacy media dies for good, the brothers are going to have a hell of a time finding something to imitate besides TikTokers who don't even speak.

Mr. Pants - I could barely pay attention to his routine but still felt like batting an eyelid. (his) Another smarmy douche who didn't deserve to make it through the first time. The crowd hardly seems split - I realized the pants pun after typing that - because they're booing and making other sounds of disappointment until rallying together in that annoying "give him a chance" type of applause we get several times per season. The sympathy usually comes in a round far past the auditions, so you'd think the trash has been weeded out, but it never is.

Freckled Zelda - "I'm sorry, but the princess you're looking for is in another castle". That's a Super Mario quote, but I'll hope anyone who reads this thinks that every video game character interacts in the same universe without giving a damn about intellectual property. By that, I mean Link would be hard pressed to feign interest in this Zelda either. She sung "The Neverending Story", which made me book a week off work to see the end of it, since I take everything literally. It was extremely boring, as expected. Having a fried attention span may make everything seem boring, but I can assure you that this was the least engaging video out of the 20 simultaneous screens I had open at the time.

Aiko Tanaka - Mercy, this was awful. Her voice is extremely annoying to listen to and amplifies the lack of reception for any joke. Most of what she said was barely a joke, it was just talking. Women seem to love going for the 'relatable' factor, which includes listing various things and no punchlines. Howie kept looking at the other judges to affirm that this is what comedy is and they need to laugh, though that repetition never works, as attested by going through science class 5 days a week in school and never changing my beliefs to this day.

Chapel Hart - Like Dolly Parton, I was hoping they'd go tits up long ago. They're quite similar to Drake Milligan in how the show is just a media tour before getting back to business. At least the song was original, but I still pay more attention to the shaved member and wonder why she doesn't grow any hair. (such a burning question) The main woman's voice sounds like a female steroid addict in a cartoon, which is clearly not the case.

I can only comment on 6 acts, the show was too bad. The magician was good, I just have no commentary. Despite being without Veranica and her Amazing Friends, it's incredible how much this episode was dog shit.

Edited August 17, 2022 by Neet

[Vermicious Knid]

I like Aiko on a personal level, but yeah her audition was better. Mr. Pants just bombed. Zelda was indeed drowned out by the music, and that's on the sound engineer. None of the other singers had this problem. She was never going to win but give her the courtesy of a decent performance. Probably advancing; Chapel Hart and Maddie.

[InternetToughGuy]

Good lord, I am in pain - not the kind where I'd be charged $1000 just for walking past the front doors of an American hospital, but still uncomfortable. I can't believe there are still like 4+ weeks left. Interest in typing this was low.

///

The Pack Drumline - I like cheering up my PTSD-ridden veteran neighbor by playing Katy Perry's song Firework on drums and playing hard enough for each note to sound like a C4 going off, so I was quite interested to see what they would do. The performance was alright, but being the opening act is a guaranteed sendoff. The background on stage was so distracting, but there's really nothing else you can use to describe their act other than the name in various pulsating fonts.

The Brown Brothers - They went from (assumedly) hitting themselves to destroying entire villages overseas - isn't treatment for autism supposed to lessen the amount of harm caused? I guess they made it better, but after all of the imitations were in place, I guess they just finished with being themselves which was a real boring way to end it.

Mr. Pants - I'm guessing this act was born out of being mugged of everything except his bottoms in Brooklyn, which is something New Yorkers seem awfully cavalier about, possibly because the Rockettes' trademark kicking dance was derived from kicking all the feces you encounter on the streets off of your loafers. The act was terrible as expected, but knowing from his perspective he hopes it goes well and likes doing it made me feel empathy.

Fusion Japan - Lord, I worship women. Since they're Japanese, I'd switch my place of worship to a Shinto temple, fairly confident that I won't receive any divine punishment due to believing neither God is real. I thought it was a good performance, although they have little chance of moving on. I'd say they'd be disappointed in the 90 hour work week they put in to make this routine, but that much work is called Summer holidays over there.

Freckled Zelda - She spoke of how much effort she put into practising this number, so rather than let my dislike of her previous act color my perception this time, I tried to imagine her work ethic, but unsurprisingly, my brain was only trying to picture her naked. I wonder if AGT fandom or TikTok viewership is more fleeting - I'd imagine TikTok viewers feel more loyalty due to the platform being portable and hence they will never have to face the horrors of being unentertained for a whole 30 seconds while fetching the newspaper ("oh boy, I wonder what they made up this week!").

Duo Rings - Damn, they make marriage look so sexy and exotic instead of the reality of spending 50% of all hours together bitching over whose turn it is to take out the trash. Having recently put my life savings into several cryptocurrencies I know for a fact are in a race to the bottom, I paid a bit more attention to this act as to how I should hang from the ceiling in the inevitable future when my false confidence is proven to be false for a reason. Other than that, the act was boring.

Wyn Starks - When he said his brother died unexpectedly, my nostrils flared as I prepared to spout the "truths" that have gotten me locked out of my Twitter account 10 times. Anyway, he sang, that's about it.

Aiko Tanaka - Perhaps the only woman over 40 that doesn't make me hiss like a feral ocelot, she is quite the spicy kimchi (not Japanese, I know), but the material was super bad. Despite her being Japanese, she walked out to a BTS song, who are Korean - the producer probably shared in the common public sentiment of not knowing the difference, even though KPop fangirls would take that as a declaration of war. Possibly even worse than Mr. Pants, who is another act that would be a lot better by not wearing trousers.

Madison Taylor Baez - Despite having a fully grown brain, I interpreted the song Higher Love to be about women refusing to date me over my height and I attacked the TV. This was a good act to stare at the wall to. Any commentary about the vocal "runs" would equate to talking shit, so I have nothing to say.

Yu Hojin - There's been so many Asian acts this episode, it makes me feel like the country is being taken over, which may be a good thing, as the dilution 125 million thin Japanese citizens would provide may bring the average BMI down to something almost resembling health. Anyway, as boring as magic usually is, this was pretty entertaining. For his ability to sell himself to so many people in one evening, I will shorten his name to just "Yu Ho".

Chapel Hart - Interesting the group was named after the other girl bringing pictures of Dave Chapelle and Kevin Hart to the hairdresser, even though it's false and stupid. I wonder how many times that Hart will need defibrillating if high energy concerts become a regular thing. Of course I have to get in a jab before acting like I'm concerned, but I'd be pissed if I were the other 2 girls and her health eventually became a great detriment to the act. They seem like one of the few acts ever that seem like they could have a career, though I'd sing the lyrics as "the girl (singular) is back in town" since I wouldn't even notice the other two.

///

Damn that was hard to sit through.

Edited August 17, 2022 by InternetToughGuy

[Mr. Sparkle]

Oof, so boring. 3 more weeks of mediocre acts, followed by the cream of the crap. I'm not even that interested in talking about it, but here goes:

• Pack Drumline - I'm sorry, they seem like nice people and could use a break, but they're high school level of talent. The terrible stage lights/production did them no favors. 
• Brown Brothers - way better the first time. Needed titles to tell us who they were doing. Talented, but dull. I'm going to say that about many of the acts tonight. 
• Mr. Pants - if I really cared, I'd be mad that he took a spot from someone much more talented. 
• Fusion Japan - light years above Pack Drumline, talent-wise. 
• Freckled Zelda - the schtick is tired already. 
• Duo Rings - talented but dull. 
• Wyn Starks - talented but dull. 
• Aiko Tanaka - just awful. I was cringing waiting for Simon to buzz her. She deserved it. 
• Madison - talented but dull. Bad song choice. 
• Yu Hojin - I thought he was excellent. Better than his first time. 
• Chapel Hart - with the buzz they got and the prime spot, it was theirs to lose, but they brought it. 

Top 3

• Madison
• Yu
• Chapel Hart

The other 2 of the top 5 is a toss up. 

No chance for Mr. Pants, Aiko and Zelda. 

[Lonesome Rhodes]

The clear highlight was Simon officially admitting he is an "idiot."  For watching this dreck, I am, too.

I can most always figure out the theme of an act's "bit."  But, Yu got me.  I have no idea what he was on about.  I liked the brief return of a feather, though.

Aiko's routine, if I can even call it such, will go down in infamy among the worst evah.  It was, however, quite useful in exposing the act that is jidging AGT.  The plastered smiles on each of them as she imploded, followed by the positive reviews belied an agenda SYCO will often stick to, damn the torpedoes.  Howie is notorious for supporting all comedians.  But, the others usually need some sort of humor from the stage to do it.

The pimp spot's gonna save Chapel Hart.  At least they have actual talent.  They were not at their best last night.  They were, though, very fortunate to be placed in this semi-final.

[Neet]

2 hours ago, Lonesome Rhodes said:

The clear highlight was Simon officially admitting he is an "idiot."  For watching this dreck, I am, too.

There's the usual type of bad, like 'this show is a guilty pleasure to hate watch' that feels like camaraderie. And then there's this kind of bad, where you imagine the world slowly becoming colorized upon turning the TV off for good.

Despite humor being subjective, why are 3/4 of the comedians every year so terrible? I'd make a note of gender if the men didn't also suck - Mr. Pants shits up the stage so much, I expected a sob story about Crohn's disease. It's not like any of their styles are specifically made for AGT, since doing a set for two minutes would be similar on any other show. Howie must pressure the others to laugh because it's the same awkwardness of showing somebody a video you thought was interesting and their eyes are glazing over, but he's done this for the past decade. Even when someone is tanking, you can still hear Howie doing that fake "oh my goodness" guffaw in the background. I remember Tom Cotter (ten years ago) and Preacher Lawson being good for the most part, that might be it.

[Mr. Sparkle]

1 hour ago, Neet said:

Despite humor being subjective, why are 3/4 of the comedians every year so terrible?

You're being generous. So far this year, only Powerpoint dude from last week was any good. They go from just not that funny (Aiko & the woman who was buzzed last week) to pathetic (Mr. Pants and Sethward.) 

Tom Cotter was pretty funny, as was Piff the Magic Dragon, imo. Preacher never did it for me, but I'll grant you he was better than most on this show, as was the dude with the flappy arms from a few years back. Mostly, the decent comedians seem to run out of material after 2 rounds. 

[theartandsound]

44 minutes ago, Superclam said:

You're being generous. So far this year, only Powerpoint dude from last week was any good. They go from just not that funny (Aiko & the woman who was buzzed last week) to pathetic (Mr. Pants and Sethward.) 

Tom Cotter was pretty funny, as was Piff the Magic Dragon, imo. Preacher never did it for me, but I'll grant you he was better than most on this show, as was the dude with the flappy arms from a few years back. Mostly, the decent comedians seem to run out of material after 2 rounds. 

Oh come on, you're forgetting national and international treasure "Trailer Nasty" Vicki Barbolak!!! 😜

[Mr. Sparkle]

46 minutes ago, theartandsound said:

Oh come on, you're forgetting national and international treasure "Trailer Nasty" Vicki Barbolak!!! 😜

I did indeed! I vaguely recall her having a couple decent jokes and then those stupid trailer park videos she would do. 

[Frisky Wig]

4 hours ago, Neet said:

There's the usual type of bad, like 'this show is a guilty pleasure to hate watch' that feels like camaraderie. And then there's this kind of bad, where you imagine the world slowly becoming colorized upon turning the TV off for good.

Despite humor being subjective, why are 3/4 of the comedians every year so terrible? I'd make a note of gender if the men didn't also suck - Mr. Pants shits up the stage so much, I expected a sob story about Crohn's disease. It's not like any of their styles are specifically made for AGT, since doing a set for two minutes would be similar on any other show. Howie must pressure the others to laugh because it's the same awkwardness of showing somebody a video you thought was interesting and their eyes are glazing over, but he's done this for the past decade. Even when someone is tanking, you can still hear Howie doing that fake "oh my goodness" guffaw in the background. I remember Tom Cotter (ten years ago) and Preacher Lawson being good for the most part, that might be it.

Part of me wonders if Howie is contractually obligated to laugh at the comedians, or at least a certain percentage of their jokes, no matter how bad their material is. His laughter also reminds me of the laugh you force when a young child tells a dumb joke they think is hilarious and you don’t want to hurt their feelings. But there’s a sincerity to Howie’s laughter, which is really concerning when he’s guffawing (great word choice, BTW) at a painfully unfunny comedian. 

Edited August 17, 2022 by Frisky Wig
Spelling correction

[ams1001]

7 hours ago, Lonesome Rhodes said:

I can most always figure out the theme of an act's "bit."  But, Yu got me.  I have no idea what he was on about.  I liked the brief return of a feather, though.

The only theme I discerned was yellow things.

[Chit Chat]

On 8/17/2022 at 4:21 PM, Frisky Wig said:

Part of me wonders if Howie is contractually obligated to laugh at the comedians, or at least a certain percentage of their jokes, no matter how bad their material is.

I think that he wants them all to be super funny so as to properly represent the world of comedy, but him going overboard with the laughter doesn't really help the ones who are bombing!   It's going to take a very special comedian to win this show!  

I still like the engineer guy.  As I was driving across I-10 a few days ago, I smiled each time I got over in the "go for it lane."  My "score" topped out at 90 - hardly autobahn-worthy though!!