ya both high

Either my DVR is trying to tell me something or this Teen Mom horror series is getting real. Anyone else feel this sinister tone is way too appropriate?! I can’t stop laughing. ? Be sure to turn up the volume!

Edit: finding a mobile-friendly link. Stay tuned

Hey fellow TM snarkers! Frequent lurker, infrequent poster here.. I love you guys and totally share in the love/hate fascination with this shit-show! Oh it’s so bad, it’s good. Soooo I, like you guys, watched this wedding crash and burn in total shock and awe too and felt compelled to put together an in-case-you-missed-it style total breakdown of this hoedown. Bear with me because this sucker is bound to be a book. Buckle up... Here are the highlights, from beginning, to glorious end. GETTING READY Friend: “You use hair spray?” Awkward Rhine w/ crazy-eyes: “……Yeah!…...I need a drink.” Clearly not the first, because friend replies, “You better take it easy on that, you have to stand up in front of everybody.” Cheers. In Mack-Truck’s dressing room: “I really can’t wait to hear what Ryan’s vows are.” (Awkward obligatory agreement from bridesmaids) Friend “Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Ryan is creative.” Mack shows off her impressive level of denial: “Oh, yeah.” With a straight face. She’s getting good. In fact, if denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, it might just be the glue that holds this blessed marriage together. Back to Rhine’s dressing room: Rhiiiine refuses to write vows, or even brainstorm a cursory outline, electing instead to “just say it when I get up there.” When questioned, he adds the ever-romantic, “I don’t care! It’s not like it’s gotta be perfect.” Naww, it’s only supposed to be the most important day of your life, you know, the one your wife has worked tirelessly to ensure is “perfect.” But why put forth an ounce of effort, amiright? Good decisions as usual from this one. DRIVING TO THE CHURCH Maci and Taylor chug booze in unison. “Hopefully everything goes smoothly.” :) Ryan’s group pulls up to the church, someone in the car says “There they all are.” Ryan drunkenly jumps out of the car anyway, apparently not having gotten the memo about seeing the bride before the ceremony. Asks his groomsmen, “Are you gonna be here when we go to the reception?” They of course answer “Yes.” Ummmm, DUH? Ryan proceeds to chug the remainder of another boozy drink from his 16oz to-go cup. Mack-truck sadly attempts to hide behind a tree as her bridesmaids look on in bewilderment at her clueless groom crashing their pre-wedding photo shoot, lovingly screaming “LEEEAVE! GO! GO! GO AWAY!” Ryan inserts a large wad of chewing tobacco into his lip, telling Larry “I’m gonna go get a shot real quick.” This is still BEFORE the ceremony, people. Check-in with the groom: “Did you make up your vows yet?” “NOPE!” Worried groomsmen try to offer an outline ad suggestions of the things he should say, just in case this dude has literally nothing. Friend says “Just be like, I love you.” Confused Ryan answers, “I love you too.” HAHA! Meanwhile, the officiant seems to be looking over his lines for the first time. THE CEREMONY Drunken Ryan hobbles up to the altar, chewing on a huge dip, smirking awkwardly. Ryan continues chewing like a cow as he watches Mack walk down the aisle. I know this is their second wedding (weird) but he has absolutely no reaction to seeing her in the dress. Hope Mack didn’t get her hopes up youtube-worthy happy tears moment. This lug doesn’t have it in him. Orange Mack finishes her walk down the aisle, and when she arrives at the altar she does not look at Ryan, instead keeps her eyes pointed straight ahead with a really sour face and homegirl looks PISSED. So damn awkward all around. While the officiant is reading, she occasionally glances up at Ryan with an excited smirk… He does not return the sentiment. Continues chewing cud. Guests watch with semi-embarrassed expressions. It’s time for the (ahem) most meaningful part of the ceremony… the vows. Ryan: “Do you wanna go first or should I?” Mack: “I don’t know, do you want to?” Ryan: “I don’t care.” Mack: “Go.” Ryan, crazy eyes: “I gotta go first?!” “Alright. Mackenzie I promise to always love you, be your best friend…” (shrugs) “I promise to be faithful and always there for you.” (wiggles eyebrows up and down in a weird “hubba hubba” way.) The end. That’s all ya get, sweetheart. Mackenzie is handed her vows, Ryan says “Oh god, you got a long one!” Mack reads her sweet, copy-and-paste vows, hitting all the Hallmark notes, throwing in some shade “…to ATTEMPT to understand you” (Was that supposed to be funny? She didn’t smile and nobody laughed.) Ryan appears utterly expressionless and unmoved, apart from his drunkenness causing loss of control over facial muscles, eyebrows twitching a mile a minute. Audience looks bored and embarrassed. Officiant somehow totally botches the ending of the ceremony, maybe in silent protest? Mack-truck finally gets a taste of that juicy dip as Ryan takes it upon himself to make the kiss happen (at least he remembered that part.) MY question at this point is, where is he spitting during the ceremony?! HAS he been spitting?? Is he just swallowing it?! Ewwww. R: “I’m sweating my ass off.” M: “You’re drunk.” R: “Mmhmm.” SO DAMN ROMANTIC, Y’ALL. Time for photos… Ryan chimes in “It’s get-done, then drinking time, right?” Mack seems annoyed at how he’s managed to flub this wedding so far, says she doesn’t feel well, and Ryan tells her she is no fun, and that being sick is no reason to be upset, and he is trying to have a good time. Finishing their chat lovingly with “I don’t wanna hear none of that neither.” THE RECEPTION Ryan enters with a truly insane look in his eyes, carrying in more booze in a to-go cup. Asks Mack “Where are we going?” and mutters something about being/getting drunk. Ryan gets another drink from the bar. Ryan grills Mackenzie about money. He’s one to talk with his $10k a week drug habit. They take a shot of booze. Someone announces “It’s time for the first dance.” Ryan starts to walk away. Mack: “Come on Ryan!” Ryan: “Ohh, it’s YOU AND I dancing?!” …Jesus H Christ. Somehow, neither of them know what song they will be dancing to. Ryan continues to grill Mackenzie about money. At this point, she is a saint in my book for not flipping her shit. The lovely couple wobble back and forth while holding hands in the least loving, least romantic way possible. No eye contact. No smiles. No joy or reflection. Utterly meaningless and going through the motions, overtop a conversation about finances. Half the guests apparently have no idea the first dance is happening and continue to talk and walk around the room, while the other half are shown smirking uncomfortably, looking down awkwardly, fiddling their thumbs, etc. Mack’s dad watches with concern. Ryan: “Alright, I think we’re done. You done?” Mack: “We have to finish the song! You’re hammered.” Ryan, crazy eyes: “Woooooooooo.” Someone walks past in a TRULY bizarre bright blue and white striped suit with flamingoes and palm trees. Brief WTF moment. Mack’s embarrassed about his vows, tries to cover for it by making jokes with her bridesmaids, who proceed to not only agree that the vows were shit but then tear apart the awkward dance as well. They should probably be lying to help to make Mack feel like her big day is gorgeous and perfect in every way, but they don’t….. and they’re not wrong. Ryan takes another shot of booze. CAKES & SPEECHES Ryan: “Is it real?” yes. “Y’all got a real one? Well how much was it?” My eyes are rolling out of my head. Maci and Jen talk drunkenly and show the first display of genuine emotion in the entire event. Back to the cake. Ryan: “Now what do we do?” Mackenzie: “You feed me.” I’m starting to think this dude should have googled “what is a wedding” before showing up. Ryan makes Mack pinky swear not to shove cake in his mouth because “I got a dip in.” Oh yum. They didn’t have tobacco flavor when they went cake tasting, so this worked out. Larry says some sweet words, Ryan finally has feelings (though presumably more for his relationship with his father than his wedding.) Tells Mack he is “tired as hell.” Ryan chugs another drink. Some dribbles down his chin. Larry’s speech was the only heartfelt moment of the wedding. It was the ONLY time the guests were tuned in to what was happening and actually seemed to be interested, and touched by what was going on. It’s clear that the room was filled with his friends – or "family" friends – but none with any sort of real relationship with Ryan. I didn’t see anyone give the bride and groom hugs. No one talked with them or danced with them. They all know this is Larry’s shit-show son and some middle-aged orange wifey figure with the patience of a saint (with promise of a paycheck.) Final on-camera drink count: NINE. Plus whatever he drank off-camera, plus whatever he’d had before his groomsmen told him to slow down in the dressing room. SO INCREDIBLY CRINGEY, GUYS. I couldn’t help myself. That shit was bad down to the very last detail. Maci dodged the world’s drunkest, craziest, least-charming bullet. A brilliant what-not-to-do tutorial for any future groom. And they lived happily ever after. <3

Ugh you are SO right. UBT totally seemed to brainwash her with impressive ease. His motives were so transparent, too. Sad to see a grown woman so easily manipulated... and then to think of what their offspring have to look up to. I wish there were a respected friend or family member in Jenelle's life to be a voice of reason and talk some sense into her. Too bad she respects no one, other than whichever lucky Gaston gets to be her man of the hour. *swoon*

? I follow her Snapchat (whyyy?) and her posse of followers do seem to have it pretty sweet. I'd find it tough to actually converse with her but the perks seem worth the intermittent misery. How does this chick have so many people who want to be around her? It just don't make no sense. You are so 100% right about what's-his-name, the producer! Homeboy deserves a raise for the amount of sh*t he takes from Karl when he asks the obvious questions. She has farrah-esque reactions to everything he says. Hulk smash! PS- I don't know if you coined "Pinterest McMansion" but it is perf. ??

Thanks all for the deets on the D&C! I rescind my statements!! Though I still hate the hulk. :)

I always kind of thought she might have gotten an abortion and told him she miscarried. They were NOT getting along at the time, and she seems like a spiteful enough slug to do such a thing. But maybe you know something I don't...at risk of sounding totally stupid, what is the D&C?

Oh jeez Luis(e), here we go again. So baby Adderall turns 4, (FOUR?!! Just how long have we been watching this god forsaken show?!) and Daddio makes the most of the big day by laughing, playing, snapping photos, and engaging with his daughter In celebration of this milestone...Oh wait, jk, this is Teen Mom, so he spends his time at the event bitching to his stink-face girlfriend and throwing shade, while pretending not to throw shade, on his baby mama. Because attempting to think about the psychology behind his kid's separation anxiety is just too tough, guys. And this bunch always knows what to do with complicated situations- place that blame on someone else right quick, before you might have to (shudder) take responsibility and reflect on your own damn self. Janelle invites Babs to her monotone baby bash, most likely so she doesn't have to go pick up Jace herself, and (bonus!) to help check more items off her registry. I can just see the gears turning ("I mean, c'mon dude, she WORKS at Walmart. She gets an employee discount, so, ya know, she better get me something good.") Poor Babs gets her hopes up that they'll repair whatever the hell is left of their relationship, just to have Janelle flip her shit over having to meet up at the place SHE HERSELF SUGGESTED. I mean, how positively satanic of Barb to hesitate on changing plans 5 minutes before their scheduled drop-off? She even agreed to it, as long as Janelle could still be on time. BUT WHOA DUDE, that's way too much to ask. But I get it, it's hard to "think straight" when you have 74727384 kids to pick up and a strange gorilla-in-a-man-disguise posessively rubbing your belly like a genie's going to pop out and grant him 3 wishes. (Hmm, what are you thinking guys? 1. Full access to bank accounts, 2. All communications to outside world must be uncle-bad-touch approved, and 3. The Roll, IE "little bitch" must be put up for adoption while UBT and J build a tribe of brainwashed offspring on their private swamp ranch to spite Barb. Am I missing anything?) Dear Chelsea, I remember the days when every-freaking-thing in your life was covered in cheetah skin. Nowadays, you're singing a new hillbilly tune, and after watching your segments I'm seeing plaid in my sleep. Are you also in charge of Coley's all-flags-all-the-time wardrobe? Because you both seem to lack any concept of moderation. There's only so much America I can take at once, y'all! I feel like I'm at a backwoods hootenanny theme park and I can't get off the ride. Eventually...there will be puke. Aubrey's jealous because she is a normal kid with only-child syndrome, and as per TM usual, Chelsea has no clue how to interpret this, let alone deal. Good luck with all that. KARL my god, do we even know who you are anymore? Everything seems to be a lie. I still stand by my long-held theory that you aborted the last one (sans miscarriage) because Javi just didn't put the motion in your ocean anymore, if ya get me. So you got insane snapchat-surgery to plump up that butt and bust, and finally things felt right. You were SO ready to go paint the town red looking like a linebacker, I mean hot single lay-day, and find someone tantalizing who's just a little more 'hood. He's got "other hoes?" Omg y'all, so hot. Suddenly kail's snail trail has returned and we're back in action. (And who's Isaac again? Why is it you're supposed to care about his emotional development? Oh yeahhh, maybe that's what the "mom" part of "teen mom" is supposed to be.) But at least we can rejoice in this miracle baby she was able to conceive without fertility treatments. I CAN'T. Karl: "He's a big boy, he can pull out." Joe: "......Can he?" HA HA HA. Help me guys, I'm not sure I can take much more.

THIS! omg, this. We've watched Farrah have more articulate conversations with backyard-prisoner Starburst than her own daughter. It's a wonder the kid even knows how to speak.

Hey all! Long-time follower, first-time poster! I have been hopelessly addicted to this terrible show since the beginning, (guiltiest pleasure) and I take great solace in knowing others love to hate-watch as well. I seriously love reading what you guys write in this forum, and I just graduated college so I finally have some wiggle room in my schedule to participate in the snark-fest. You guys, I have been holding it in for so long! Ah, this episode didn’t disappoint in its reel of eye-roll worthy parenting fails, like springing a huge life-changing event on a young kid by “surprise”-moving, or threatening to “pop” your baby for acting like (um) a baby while attempting something as whack as applying nail polish on a 1-year-old. Why not instruct our other kid to swear in elementary school while we’re at it. Oh, and let’s not forget repeatedly announcing our intention to create a Booboo Baby Hooker out of thin air and rouge, (guess that makes Amber her “lead” hooker?) But what more can we expect from the group of geniuses who I’m pretty sure booked an entire vacation based on the thumbnail images? How is it possible to get off an airplane in a faraway place and spend an entire weekend with literally no idea of your location on the planet? Wonder if Cate was disappointed when she couldn’t find any “Spanish” food. At least the island had Dijiorno. Major props to noVUH-LEE for immediately giving adoption-Dawn a true peak into to her “little environment” by not missing a beat and showing off her turd collection. Sure Amber, Gary’s totally trying to rub his glamorous 90-chicken life in your face. And your stink face is genuinely due to concern for his potential for lawn-mowing sunburn. Homegirl just can’t stand seeing others happy because it threatens her high horse fantasy of being the classiest ex-con-sprawled-out-on-a-floral-chaise-lounge the world has ever seen. We know, you’re just ever-so mature and evolved thanks to your stint in gel, but do you really think you’re fooling anyone with that strange old-money southern debutante persona you’ve adopted? We all know you’re that awful 16 & pregnant girl who we all watched act like a psycho biatch to her boyfriend and lose custody of her only kid, in between segments of Jabba-the-hutting on the couch. You’ve done literally nothing with your life, and no one sees you as a “boss-lady.” That won’t change no matter how much you call adults around you “sweetie.” Oh Maci, how DO you do it? So effortlessly cool and “chill.” Just smack her on the ass and call her Susan, ain’t she just every man’s dream. We get it, you’re so “not about the drama,” we can tell by the way you incessantly complain about every in-and-out of your boring life, but manage to do so in a monotone voice. So very zen. Pass her another beer, and call her a curse word as a term of endearment, she’s not like “other girls.” What more could a tall bearded baby ask for? Note to self: when perusing dating profiles, award extra points for “long words” you wouldn’t think of trying to pronounce on camera. She’s not totally off the mark by seeking out a psychologist, though… Over-all this episode left me with more questions than answers. Like when did Cate hit middle age? Does Ryan really think that a typical wedding party consists of a dad best man, mini best man, and flower-boy? (What’s a reception?) AND WHAT ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH DID THAT HYPNOTIST DO WITH THE REAL FARRAH?! Guys, I need answers.