alannaofdoom

Maybe it's my mood this week but ugh. Unclear challenge brief. Uninspiring runway. Just... blah.

Confidential to Project Runway producers: there is no need to open the episode in medias res on an effing rollercoaster and then pretend that rewinding to "eight hours earlier" is some sort of revolutionary, traditional-narrative-defying twist. Get it together, folks.

When Explanatory Talking Heads Fail: “a cocktail dress is a dress that… you can go out to a nice party, and have a couple of drinks, and sit there and look beautiful.” Wait, run that by me one more time, Cornelius; I’m not sure I can understand such advanced fashion theory! Correct me if I’m wrong, but not only did Cornelius use the same fabric as a previous challenge, but before Tim’s walkthrough he also had a very similar construction (I think of it as triangular colorblocking) on his dress form. Come on man. Don’t make the same dress for two challenges. SHENANIGANS. That’s all I can say about the judges. SHE. NA. NI. GANS. OK wait I can say a little more: I need to know what Posen means by “represents the space” because I heard him say it at least twice tonight, and it is a fundamentally meaningless phrase. Heidi, I will accept EITHER a powder blue velvet suit OR a Colonel Sanders-esque black ribbon tie, but NOT BOTH. And the “obvious front-runner gets put in the bottom three so we can pretend her spot in the final three isn’t already a foregone conclusion” story beat happens right on schedule. Really guys? REALLY? A decently-constructed (if over the top) dress is as bad as those shoddy sad-trombone messes? I mean don't get me wrong, I love Tasha and I wish she'd stayed, but yikes! Ditto to everyone not understanding why Jenni’s dress won. Those sequins did a poor job of concealing darts (the charitable interpretation) and/or wrinkles and puckered seams (the uncharitable interpretation) and on the whole it was just... lackluster.

Amen to this! It's two syllables, folks. It's not complicated. I guarantee you've ordered takeout from restaurants with names that are harder to pronounce. The orgy of tearful self-sacrifice from the losing team was over-the-top, but I definitely prefer that to sniping at each other or ganging up on someone. I also liked that members of the winning team didn't name themselves as The Winner. I'm sure it's easier to do that when you've already got that five grand coming to each of you. But it was still impressive. Despite some shady leanings from a few designers, this is a really friendly group overall - a nice change!

[standing ovation] It absolutely boggles the mind that so many designers still (in the fifteenth effing season!) come on this show with no idea how to design for a female body with any more curves than a coat hanger. This is not rocket science, people! We've landed safely on the moon and we've got robots on Mars but you can't figure out that actual breasts aren't the levitating hemispheres you see in video games? Maybe you should consider doing even the barest minimum of preparation when you're going to compete for $100,000. My reaction to this whole episode can be summed up by Dexter's eloquent side-eye while Jenni was modeling her design in the workroom. That deserves a standing ovation of its own. (Edited to add: can we talk about Heidi's runway ensemble????? Is she starring in her own vanity remake of Peter Pan?????)

Cornelius, don't whine about how unfair it is that Erin wins for "gluing stuff onto fabric" when you're in the top three for sloppily spraypainting nonsense onto your own fabric. And also, go away.

Cornelius: first, when you approach MULTIPLE people one at a time all sotto voce "not to be shady but..." you ARE being shady. And not even entertainingly shady. Just pathetic. Your slip is showing; go stir shit up somewhere else. Second, I like a bold pattern mix, but that stripe and houndstooth were really not working for me on his dress. Also, did anyone else notice that the way the darts in the bodice were constructed left the dress with two black circles over the nipples? Once I saw it, I couldn't stop seeing it. No thanks.

First: there is NO WAY that Laurence is 41. Inconceivable. The only possible explanation is that she's got a painting of an elderly woman hidden in her attic. You will never convince me otherwise. Erin really won me over - instant eyeroll at "I make clothes, and art" but then I came around when she said, "...and I'm smart - I think I'm smart." Her runway look wasn't my style at all, but it was an astounding amount of work (completed without any panicky BS) and I get what she was going for. She definitely deserved the win. Who is Rik??? Why did we not even meet some of the designers until the runway? Anyway, I loved his undeveloped polaroid dress. Ian: "I think the palette is amazing. I could base a collection off of that dress." Yes, you could, because that dress is literally a swatch booklet pinned to a shapeless shift. Come on now. There's I don't do avant garde, and then there's I don't do anything. BYE! Count me among those who loved Roberi's. The construction was gorgeous, and it wasn't even that short! I mean, sure it was short for day wear, but as a runway piece? It was perfectly reasonable.

Jared and Ashley deserve each other. I’ve had it with both of them. BYE. (Also, confidential to Ashley: have you noticed that whenever you’re angry at another woman, you always call her a whore or a hooker? Trust me, that says more about you than it does about any of them. You might want to work on that.) But LOL and a round of applause to the producers for arranging that “Jared runs after Caila’s departing car” move. I mean… I guess it was more of a halfhearted jog than a run. But whatever. And don’t let yourself wonder if Jared is actually leaving all his shit behind, given that he wasn’t carrying anything. Just listen to the swelling orchestral music and let the completely arranged spontaneous manipulative romantic ForeverLove TM envelop you like a warm bath. “You’re not sure if she’s going to cast some spell on you, or murder you, or rip your clothes off… and you’re kind of hoping for all three of those things to happen at the same time.” A+++ Wells, you are still the best. Amanda: “I’m a good judge of character.” Untrue. “I’m a smart girl.” There is no proof of that.

Ridiculous though she is, that Ashley-and-Wells date was such a breath of fresh air amid all the liquor-fueled drama. I mean: “We have lots to… taco bout.” CALL ME, WELLS. I love a good terrible pun. “I’m really bad at having to flirt when it comes down to crunch time. [taco shell crunch]" CALL ME, EDITORS. Let’s work out a deal where instead of gross moans, you dub in that biting-into-a-taco-shell noise over Josh and Amanda’s egregious PDA. And now, excuse me, I have to pour one (bottle of maple syrup) out for Daniel, our beautiful golden Canada goose.

During the impressions at the end of the episode, Wells (doing his impression of Nick) says, "Going into this, I thought, me - Nick Viall - was the big Bachelor in paradise." Maybe that's also a clue? I didn't watch any of Nick's previous seasons, but he certainly comes off as a smart, mature person who has his shit together. I think I'd enjoy a season with him as the Bachelor - provided they don't just cast a bunch of 23-year-olds to vie for his attention.

Ashley. GIRL. GET A GRIP. Real talk: you need to get far away from this franchise and everyone associated with it. Immediately. You are marinating in a toxic stew of romance novels and rom coms* and One True Perfect ForeverLove TM. Stop talking to Jared. Stop talking to anyone who knows Jared. Move across the country and meet new people. Meet a therapist! Stop punishing yourself with the fiction that if you're not with your One True (imaginary) Fated Love, your life is worthless and you are worthless. Stop banging your head against the wall and claiming someone is forcing you do that. You can stop. You can just stop. *Not that romance novels and rom coms are necessarily bad, of course; but when you're a fantasist divorced from actual reality and basing your own self worth purely on whether you're in a relationship? They are poisonous to you.

See also: how he needed Emily (or Haley?) to manage his feelings and forgive him for accepting a date with Caila. He's so desperate to see himself as a nice guy that he won't admit having done anything even the tiniest bit hurtful, which means he will never apologize. He'll just sit there with a hang-dog look until you finally apologize to him for being hurt by him. Newsflash: We're all going to be the bad guy in a fight or a break-up at some point. Own it, say you're sorry, and grow up.

If you'd told me a few months ago that I'd be terribly offended by someone saying she was "stuck with Daniel," I would've asked where you'd gotten the good drugs. And yet here we are! I feel strangely protective of him. He's a glorious weirdo who should be declared Canada's national bird. And honestly, whether he was being sincere or just incredibly, undetectably dry with his comments about being bi on Fridays, I appreciate that it wasn't played for any gay-panic or gross-out laughs. But we need to talk about the "Aztecs" coming to "sacrifice a virgin" at the end of that date. Aside from being gross and offensive, we just cut directly to Ashley waking up the next morning? This makes no narrative sense. FIRE THE STORY EDITOR. Josh and Amanda are just stray dogs humping on the lawn and someone should turn the hose on them.

I'm not one to threaten violence, and I have great respect for the snarky BiP editors, but I WILL maim the person responsible for dubbing in throaty moans over Josh and his pizza every five seconds. Gross.

ME TOO. Also saying "lalalalalala" to myself so I didn't have to hear the lip-smacking and moaning. Yuck. What is the German word for feeling embarrassment on behalf of another? Because: Evan, no. Just no. Stop. For the love of all that is holy. BRB, going to get "two roads divulged into a yellow wood. Or something" tattooed over my heart.

God bless Daniel, that inexplicable weirdo. I did the pause-rewind-pause thing so I could transcribe this conversation in all its beauty: I mean, it's no "Let's say you're Hitler," but nothing can top that, really. Jubilee is too good for this show and I want to be her friend so I can tell her to get a grip and stop sanding off her edges for assorted gomers. Find a dude who appreciates you and your RBF, girl!

OK real talk time: go back to when Chad and Lace have their actual fight (as opposed to their play-fights). She tells him to go away, and as he finally walks away, watch him roughly push at her arm on his way past. Not quite a shove, not quite a slap. Red flag. Huge red flag. Immense red flag waved by a t-rex with laser eyes roaring "POOR IMPULSE CONTROL" and breathing fire. That move was, "I'm still (just barely) sober enough not to actually hit you, but I want you to know that I can hurt you any time." Not okay. On a lighter note: WHY IS DANIEL. That's my whole question. Why. Just WHY to everything he does: "How old are you?" "Twenty fiv-" "Twenty seven. Twenty three." "Twenty five." "Twenty one. Nah, you look like you're twenty one." "I'm twenty five." "Twenty one?" "...Yep." (and now "twenty" is a nonsense word to me.)

I don't know if this is new, or if I'm only just noticing it now, but I really need them to turn down the lip mics because I cannot deal with the loud smacking noises whenever anyone is (constantly! endlessly!) making out with JoJo. Yuck. Edited to add: The monkey bloopers over the credits were the best part of the episode. Monkey Bachelor 2017 campaign starts here!

Wow, this show became "Equus" so slowly and subtly that I didn't even notice until it was too late...

Addendum: Can we talk about the dress JoJo was wearing on her date with Derek and Chase? Girl... no. With the weird wrinkly black mesh triangles on the torso, more black mesh on the hem, and the inexplicable black straps? Confidential to the wardrobe department: Jo has a gorgeous figure but skin-tight white is not the least bit forgiving. Just go up a size! It's okay! Cut the tag out, it'll be our little secret.

Can I sit with you guys? Look, I made cool jackets for us! Anyway, awwwwwww, Wells... :( He was my favorite but it was increasingly obvious that he was a poor match with JoJo. I have to take a moment here to note the music, which included a rhythmic bell tolling under the piano as the producer came to collect Wells's bag. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, suitors. It tolls for thee. That sequence was hilariously overwrought! JoJo wandering the empty streets, then standing among the Fuerza Bruta audience, looking like a stock photo for the keywords "alone in a crowd." Dial it back to a ten, please, producers, because you're at seventeen right now.

This just made me laugh SO HARD and I can't pinpoint exactly why. Anyway, thanks for brightening my morning!

Honestly, my greatest disappointment with this episode is that the whole time they were in South America, no one made a dumb "Uruguay" / "I'm a WHAT?!" joke. Or someone did and the editors didn't see fit to include it. Either way, shame on everybody involved.

My preferred theory is that they all got bored during their endless hours of downtime, someone busted out the plastic crow beads and fake rawhide, and they had themselves a Crafternoon.