alannaofdoom

I assume they couldn't afford the rights. That jumpsuit would be much better for a standing-only event (like a rose ceremony?). Nonetheless, she still looked fantastic. Confidential to Danielle M: Call me if this experience has put you off men forever. (Hey, I live in hope!) I have to admit that I didn't watch a good chunk of the Women Tell All. I didn't need the re-litigation of Corinne v. Taylor. I definitely didn't need two full segments of The Corinne Show. I checked out and checked back in for the bloopers. But let's back up - dear god that first "viewing party" that they crashed. I mean, maybe I'm throwing stones from a glass house here, but that was... unhinged. (Of course I'd take any of those parties over three-fifths of the Backstreet Boys sitting in an empty dance studio.) MVP: all the reindeer. I suppose reindeer wouldn't make good pets but I want one anyway. Look at their furry snoots! Runner-up: Rachel's morning-after penguin onesie. Honorable mention: the phrase "slob kebab" as coined by Elizabeth. I don't remember her being on the show, but her words will echo through the years. LVP: Josephine's black lipstick. Girl. WHAT?

This episode was stretched so thin I could see daylight through it. Two full segments of stilted conversation with Andi, intercut with women standing in coats on a frigid New York rooftop! More than two minutes of “next week on a three hour (?!?!?) special event” promo at the end of the episode! Absolutely nothing entertaining happened so they resorted to Nick cross-fitting in the snow for the credits tag! Ha... ha? It was the televisual equivalent of changing the font of your English essay to 14-pt Courier New because you're trying to squeeze an extra two pages out of it.

SERIOUSLY. What did she do, hang a few dresses on the wall of her bathroom and dial in via Google Hangout?

Things I learned about Corinne in this episode: - cannot count four roses - cannot wink; blinks both eyes hard like a five-year-old when she tries it On the other hand, the way she said "shall I?" and dramatically opened the car door for Nick was honestly charming and cute. So much overproduced nonsense, so few genuine moments this season. I'm finding it exhausting at this point.

I hope he tries it and I hope she kills him with her icy stare. And/or locks him in a basement and makes him survive by eating lipstick for five years.

Wow, this show became "Sex Box" so gradually that I never even noticed. That said - boy did this episode drag. Like I said last week, the bizarre pacing and "why not open every episode with a rose ceremony" approach to structure has turned the season into a terrible muddle. Which could be some canny filmmaking on the part of the producers, really putting us into Nick's headspace by throwing us into date after mandatory-fun date with a score of beautiful women until we lose our sense of self and very identity under the strain, and are reduced to a weeping husk. But I'm pretty sure it's just gross incompetence. Many thanks to our illustrious recapper for checking that "tried to do something nice and very cute for Nick" quote from Corinne - it sounded suspiciously familiar to me but I didn't have the fortitude to go back and check. MVP to Rachel, I guess, for cutting right through Nick's "Will I be similar to the guys you've dated before" babble and just addressing the question he was trying not to ask. And congrats and godspeed to her as the new Bachelorette. Don't let the producers foist any Corinne-level nonsense candidates on you, girl. (Or any Nick-level nonsense candidates, for that matter!) You deserve only good things.

Tieler! My dear, sweet, well-raised boy: I love you but you should be prosecuted for crimes against anatomy. Ai yi yiiiiiiiii I was wincing just looking at those pants. They were about to cut his model in half.

She had the Power of Voodoo! (Who do?)

I loathe this “rose ceremony at the beginning of the episode” thing they’re doing. It makes the episodes feel topsy-turvy and structureless – just a heap of otherwise unconnected incidents. And what I can’t understand is – this franchise is more than a decade old; how are they this bad at it? I think my soul actually left my body during Corinne’s Ode To Lorna and how she “always loves someone that’s able to do stuff for me.” I felt a tearing, despairing sensation in my chest; heard a far-away scream; and then I blacked out. I just went into the bathroom and discovered that I no longer have a reflection in the mirror. Any advice? The beach volleyball massacre date seemed like a terrible time and was certainly a chore to watch. I did enjoy Danielle M putting on her Coach voice: “Come on buddy. Bring it back around. Focus in.” That bikini on Raven was not flattering. She should bring back the neon number she was wearing in an earlier episode - she's a knockout in that one. Ridiculous ending. “What happens now?” “He’s gone.” I mean, I’m glad they didn’t actually try to sell us the possibility that Nick would force them to scrap the rest of the season by, like, throwing himself bodily into the sea and turning into foam like the little mermaid in the original Hans Christian Andersen tale. (Though I would watch the hell outta that.) At least it looks like we're getting to Corinne's Platinum Vagine Fireworks Factory next week. I guess I'll stick around for that.

Re: beignets / fastnachts / funnel cakes - great, I just finished lunch and now I'm hungry again. Curse you all :)

Alexis remains my stealth fave, both for the continued Nic Cage phobia, and for "I'm Miss Louisiana. I like gators, grits, and [shimmies] a goooooooooood time!" Never change, girl. Those beignets made me drool. When I die, bury me in beignets. Actually if you want to bury me in beignets while I'm still alive, I'd be good with that too. "Whipped Cream and Lies" would be an excellent title for a tell-all or a Lifetime movie. The rest of this episode was garbage. Did we really need the first 15+ minutes to be intercut with constant talking heads in which (an extremely drunk) Corinne repeatedly complains about Taylor and brags about her own Machiavellian deviousness? I get it. We all get it. Birds flying overhead get it. Invertebrate organisms at the bottom of the Marianas Trench get it! MOVE. ON. ALREADY. Then we get Nick acting like a homeroom teacher trying to broker peace between two feuding mean girls in the sophomore class. That's a bad look for everyone involved. And now it's a three-part saga? Producers. I beg you. Stop the madness. Just say no to Corinne v. Taylor: Dawn of Tedium.

Uggggghhhhhhhhh this was a garbage episode and like the recapper, I found Drew's sanctimonious preaching at Courtney to be flat-out offensive. There's a valid point buried in there somewhere - show up, do your job, etc etc. But the way he framed it was ridiculous. “Do you know how much this costs? To bring Jason Derulo to you?” OH FUCK YOU. “What am I supposed to do, throw it away?” Yes, Drew, this entire episode has been a nausea-inducing highlight reel of conspicuous consumption from start to finish. Throw it away, go say a dozen Hail Marys as penance, and then consider lighting yourself on fire.

I love this too - I noticed in a previous episode (maybe last week?) that he addressed Kelly as "ma'am" during judging. So southern and so charming. This was a pretty good week for all the Juniors being charming and adorable - I giggled at Allie's "I've never had a date night, really, before, but I babysit so... I do know what you're supposed to wear on that kind of thing." <3 And Cartier's giddiness at her "turned my look around" pun was excellent.

The folks over at Buzzfeed took one for the team and did a taste test. Results are... not surprising. https://www.buzzfeed.com/farrahpenn/easy-mac-exists?utm_term=.nd9g8E3PY&bffbtasty#.tlMzp2wmQ

But why all the dramatic music at the rose ceremony, producers? We know Corinne is getting the last rose because we've seen her in tons of scenes in the this-season-on trailer. Hell, we've seen her fighting with Taylor in the previews for THIS VERY EPISODE. Congrats, Bachelor: you played yourself. I agree that the show is overplaying its hand with Corinne. So far the structure of the season is exactly like Bachelorette last year, when Chad consumed entire episodes along with his piles of deli meat. A little goes a long way, folks! Don't spend all your time on the villain, because once they're gone, no one will know anything about the remaining contestants and your viewers will be bored out of their skulls. I just laughed so loud at this, and now my coworkers know that I'm slacking. Other highlights: "I don't know if it's the cow shit or the bullshit, but I smell shit." Sarah, that was savage and I salute you. And I don't know what "spider-monkey fast" means but I love Raven for saying it.

Re: Corinne's antics this week, The Cut has a conspiracy theory that may blow this whole thing wiiiiiide open. http://nymag.com/thecut/2017/01/a-conspiracy-theory-about-the-bachelor-villain.html

Corinne should bring her nanny, who could then strike up a whirlwind romance with Jose and decide to stay in Mexico. #FreeRaquel #OTP Anyway - that floral tie on Nick was... a look. Not terrible, but sort of strange. Speaking of looks, I'm convinced Alexis's shark costume has achieved sentience and is roaming around the house, and Corinne's dress at the BSB-date-cocktail-party is the latest casualty. I mean, there's a slit in a dress, and then there's "Just cut out a semicircular window over the entire thigh." MVP Vanessa of course; runner-up Jasmine for, "Hey guys. Just happened to stumble upon you guys," and "How you got all that energy for whipped cream but not be standing here for your rose?" Honorable mention to Raven for diving enthusiastically on the "drama in the house" grenade; also I liked her yellow bikini.

I got a little (OK a lot) moody in the middle of the episode, starting with Rene's ridiculous "My trendsetting woman on the go is probably like… sixty-five years old, has a face lift, has a boob job, has been nipped and tucked, just doesn’t care what anybody thinks.” Yes, Rene, because a slavish devotion* to oppressive and misogynistic beauty standards that require women to look 29 if they dare to set foot in public? Is definitely “not caring what anybody thinks.” War is peace, freedom is slavery, uh huh, gotcha. (*With apologies to those who've had or will/would have plastic surgery; you do you! Rock whatever makes you feel best!) By the time we got to A'kai's, “Her source of income is from her husband,” I was screaming JUST KILL ME NOW. But: “…and then later on she’s going to a nice dinner with her friends.” “Not her husband?” “No, he’s working.” OK, I admit, I LOL’ed. And once we got around to Chelsea, I was all smiles again. "During the daytime this is her power suit, she's signing contracts; and then at night she has to go to this secret art gallery party where all the government officials from the world will gather." CHELSEA FOR PRESIDENT because I want to live in that world and I don't care, I'll wear a neoprene jumpsuit if I have to. While I didn't love some of the specific choices Hawwaa made (those shades of pink and purple are kind of icky to my eye, the black was a little heavy, the seaming on the bodice was sloppy) I thought the design was very strong, and the reversible panel in the skirt was great. It felt very fresh and fun and easy to wear. Would've been happy to see her design win.

I'm just now noticing the crouching bride (zero idea what her name is, please help?) on the right, pretending to either drink from the tin can, or speak into it like a tin-can-and-string-telephone, and I'm so into it.

Guys I am thrilled to announce that I have just made a major breakthrough in our understanding of the laws of probability. If you flip a coin, it will land heads up one hundred percent of the time. I mean, a sample size of one was good enough for LRH - it's good enough for me!

Short answer: a walking, talking (screaming) steroid who appeared on JoJo's season and the most recent Bachelor in Paradise. Long answer: just think of every single red flag or bad vibe you get when meeting a first date; all those little signals that tell you RUN. Chad is all of that distilled into one person.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh I could sustain myself for weeks on Corinne's all-consuming jealousy and insecurity. You can actually see her heart start to devour itself the instant anyone else is talking to Nick. She's the Chad of this season, yes? (But where is she keeping the protein powder?) When she said "Guys don't listen to me" - Corinne, I think you're a terrible person but I say this with love: you need to meet better guys. Also I'm so glad I'm not 25 anymore. Hard no on the whole Masterpiece (Bachelorpiece?) The-a-tre breakup improv... thing. (But points to Nick for "Did you floss?" "Definitely not" - that made me laugh.) And Liz! Liz. GIRL. "You asked for my phone number, but I didn't really know you." YOU JUST F*CKED HIM THOUGH! I mean: get a grip. You played this 100% wrong from the jump and the sunk cost fallacy's a killer, I guess. Just... stop digging while you still have a shred of dignity left. I like Alexis in spite of myself. Gotta hand it to her: the girl is game.

I immediately wrote Josephine off as "the 'wacky' one who talks to animals" - which she is, don't get me wrong - but her "weiner in my book" intro hit an Andy Kaufman sort of place where it was so terrible and bizarre and unfunny that it became funny and she won me over. Don't care if it's a production call - I hope she sticks around. I found myself immediately charmed by Danielle M - like others have said, she comes off as very warm and easygoing. Also, in a sea of identically curled extensions, I found her shorter hair very appealing. Corinne? Just no. No to everything. But also: WHAT. is WITH. the TOKENS???? Are you seven? Are you a slot machine? Literal LOL moment was one contesting using "double dipping" to describe Corinne "borrowing" Nick twice before everyone had a chance to chat with him. As if he were a condiment surrounded by walking half-eaten crudites. And, wow, that metaphor just got real weird, didn't it?

The thing that drove me craziest about A'kai's was how none of the fans in the skirt were centered or symmetrical, but they weren't purposefully off-center either. I don't know if it was careless construction, or if the whole thing shifted around the model while she walked? But I couldn't look at it without feeling a deep existential ache in my soul. There is an *order* to the universe, A'kai! Don't contradict it! That said, I'm glad he's sticking around because he's adorable and he clearly has ideas, even if he can't always execute them.

COSIGN. Try harder, folks.