alannaofdoom

I think Cat may be confusing Koine with her Drag King alter ego, hip hop and fashion impresario Koin-ye. :D

THAAAAAAAAAAANK YOU (and everyone else) I thought I was taking crazy pills when the judges flipped for it. I just don't get the whole Kiki "thing" and I need it to stop immediately. This was nonsense. Dumbed-down, watered-down, wasting 20 seconds at the end with the cash gun and the fur because they were short and didn't have enough time/skill to learn more steps. Boo. Booooooooooooooooo. To say nothing of the ridiculous every-pop-culture-reference-from-the-last-three-decades-thrown-in-blender-with-a-dash-of-steampunk-and-some-green-hairspray costumes. I mean don't get me wrong: I am one for ridiculous costumes when they serve the dance. (Cf. the headdress and intricately patterned-and-slashed unitards for Koine & Marko.) But that was just desperate. I loved Logan & Allison's number in large part because it seemed like they were having SO MUCH FUN with it. I was skeptical at first - a blind date where you're blinded? - because there's high concept and then there's ~~~high concept~~~ but it ultimately won me over. (Not least by actually making use of the furniture onstage, which has been my petty problem with both of Luther Brown's hip hop numbers from the last two weeks. If you're going to put a skid full of cash or a rack of rims onstage, USE IT. And no, "jumping off of it in the first second of the dance" doesn't count as using it. To be clear: I love Luther Brown's choreography, I'm just being extremely persnickety about this point. OK this digression is long enough now.) I'm also a fan of Bendy Boys (tm @Cuatro1234) and Logan's leg extensions are just wonderful. My only real issue was that his costume was so dark and covered so much of him, I tended to lose him in the busy, dark background. Please highlight the dancer who is actually competing, production designers! Anyway I've wandered a bit far from the original point now but you're absolutely right, Sabra and Neil is the ne plus ultra of table dances. They're unbeatable. It was also clear from her solo this week (and Nigel's reaction to it) that Kaylee 100% knows how to choreograph for herself - last week was a real mismatch between dancer and choreographer. And evidently Pharcide and Phoenix know how to choreograph for her, too. That number was amazing - Kaylee balancing on her hands on his shoulders had me screaming out loud at the screen! (I don't understand why they were dressed like Rebels in search of A Cause, though. The design for much of this episode was... interesting.) I mentioned it briefly up there but Koine & Marko were my (just by a hair, or an insect's wing) favorite tonight. I'd love for Sean Cheesman to choreograph every week. No matter the style, he always brings it and he always brings out the absolute best in his dancers. (I still adore his season 9 "Bring on the Men" for Janaya and Brandon.) Also really liked Sydney & Paul's contemporary - I thought Vanessa was very astute when she praised their "moments of stillness and silence." And Melissa Etheridge was a nice break in what always feels like eighty different remixes by whatever DJ they have an arrangement with for the season. (This is mostly perception, I know - but it just starts to sound the same to me after a while.)

I really appreciated that when choosing her partner, Jenna said something along the lines of "I'm giving my tools, experience, and guidance to..." Most of the other all stars said "The person I'm taking with me to the live shows..." as if this season is more about the all stars than the actual competitors. Which... I guess it is, in fact; but it shouldn't be.

Well now I'm imagining Bryan belting it out: "Agony! Far more painful than yours..."

On the one hand, I appreciate the, uh... brisk pace of this episode. On the other hand - and maybe I'm alone in this - the overnight group choreo gauntlet is one of my favorite parts of the show every year, and I would've liked to get more than a cursory glance at it. I mean, hell, we only got to see 3 of those routines!?! Plus the whole team/mentor thing has not been adequately explained and it really feels like they're just making it up as they go along. Which would be fine, but then don't pretend that there are rules when it's all arbitrary gut decisions! Ugh, I am dissatisfied.

MARRY ME. YOU ARE MY SOULMATE.

This episode was 80% filler. It was obvious from night one that Bryan, Peter, and Dean would be the final three. The group date was just a waste of time to winnow down the three also-rans to one lucky also-ran. Hot tip, producers: if you'd spent the last several episodes on anything other than Lee and his bullshit, maybe we would actually know who Matt and Adam are. Like, have we ever even seen either of them talking to Rachel? Also, whyyyyyyy did they plan a date in which two people will sit on a glacier in the middle of a light snowstorm, buffeted by icy winds and visibly shivering?! Honestly the most interesting thing in this episode is the previews for next week. DEAN'S FATHER IN A PURPLE TURBAN?!?!?!? I cannot wait.

Dassy was excellent - she reminded me a little of Jaja. It would make me immensely happy if she makes the show. I DESPERATELY want to see more from Chelsea Hough - just the little snippet we got of her solo was really exciting.

Yeah I think - well for one they were all prettttttttty well drunk by then, right? - I think Brady misspoke and said "quark," Dean was trying very seriously to correct him and bring him around to "quirk," and Jack (who gets a last name because the first episode introduced him as JACK STONE) was riffing. And now I've typed "quark" and "quirk" so many times that my brain no longer acknowledges them as words.

@backformore it's probably not worth trying to explain the whole thing here, but basically in the end-credits tag Josiah puts on a (truly terrible) British accent and says "fill my goblet" and then some other guys jumped in with their own drunken British accents and half-quoted lines from Game of Thrones. The awful accents (and Will's palpable pain over them) are the highlight. Or lowlight, as it were.

Fashion roundup time before we get into the serious BS of this episode! I found myself strangely into Dean's floral shirt at the top of the episode (which feels like a million years ago now). I found myself not-strangely not-into Alex's purple zebra jacket. My dude. What are you doing? I made liberal use of my pause and rewind buttons to transcribe this amazing exchange: Brady: "...everyone's different, and has their own little weird... quarks." Dean: "...quirks. Sure." Brady: "Quirks--" Dean: "--Quirks." Brady: "Quirks? Quarks." Dean: "Quirks." JACK STONE: "Quirks. Quarks." Dean: "Quarks are like an anatomical..." JACK STONE: "Quarks are, um, they go in a wine bottle." Dean: "No, qua-- no, that's a cork." ....and that's when my grey matter liquified and dribbled out of my right ear. Loved the blimp date with Dean - his stock has risen considerably with me. That was such a refreshing break from the racist bullshit poisoning the rest of the episode. And the spelling bee was exactly the sort of ridiculous nonsense competition I like to see the guys forced to engage in to win the Bachelorette's affections. And Josiah? Look, I think it might be exhausting to date him, but I LOVE watching him on tv with his showboating and his drinking from the trophy. I get a real "It ain't bragging if it's true" vibe from him and I'm okay with that. Also he gave us this amazing line of dialogue, re Iggy: "He does drugs, he shoots steroids in his nuts - he confessed to all of us!" Speaking of Iggy: You know you're on tape, right buddy? We see you stirring shit and then running back to everyone and pretending that Rachel "brought it up" unprompted. Do you think this makes you look good? Because it doesn't. It makes you look pathetic. As usual, perfect ending tag, especially Will's despairing, "It's not even that... it's the accents." LOL he's right, those were some garbage accents. You know, I just don't even want to address the racist Lee bullshit. It's exhausting, it's gross, it's not funny, it's not cute, it makes me angry that the producers are encouraging it and promoting a Two! Night! Event! about it. I mean, not to be the sort of performatively woke person who insists that you can't ever enjoy superficial TV, but literally last week a cop was acquitted for killing Philando Castile in front of his girlfriend and daughter for no reason other than the perception and portrayal of black men as "aggressive" and "dangerous" no matter what they do. And this show is playing into that exact narrative. It's a bad, bad look. AMEN that sneering "why are you getting so worked up [over me intentionally antagonizing you]" maneuver really grinds my gears. It's transparently Bully Tactics 101. He can get out yesterday. That was amazing. It was Peter and Alex, I think, just sitting there stone-faced and motionless. We know they have so much down time while the show is filming, so now I'm imagining a scenario in which they pick a word (or a "word") every day and challenge themselves to work it into as many talking heads as possible. Yes. I am going to believe this, because it's bringing me joy. I would definitely do this if I were on the show.

He was also extremely funny in a very dry and deadpan sort of way. An odd duck but also a good one, I think.

Was just about to post this - it doesn't necessarily tell us any more about what happened, but it's prudent given that there is legal action taking place. Or, ABC and the show have put the participants in some kind of legal trouble - and potential physical danger - by creating an environment in which participants are pressured to drink past the point of safety. Yes they're adults and they've signed contracts and waivers and what-not, but there's a limit to what that covers.

Hopefully he won't take any tips from Brady. "I wanna kiss her but the camera's right there, oh god, okay you can do this Peter, just lean in, tilt your head, and... roll the booger."

This episode of The Bachelorette was brought to you by: The Female Gaze! A+++ to Rachel for her look of utter disdain and boredom while DeMario was "apologizing." Also, LOL at them shaking hands. Ice cold! (And confidential to DeMario: you gotta stop interjecting "correct" every five words, my dude. Ears open, mouth closed.) If this show doesn't have enough actual content for two hours, I'd rather they pad it with more gratuitous shirtlessness instead of dragging out the Rose Ceremony to a truly unbearable length. I know Bach gonna Bach so we're always gonna get some "[x] does not deserve a rose" commentary, but did we need to have that nonsense through THE ENTIRE thing tonight? She's calling out, what, eighteen names? And between EVERY SINGLE ONE we've got Lucas and Blake griping about each other. To say nothing of their continuing grudge match outside. If there's anything more boring and intolerable than two a-lot-to-very drunk white dudes yelling performatively at each other, I don't want to know what it is because it might literally kill me. Ellen date was fun, though Bryan lost points with me for "he got my sloppy seconds." Gross, dude. I need someone to explain Alex's pants to me. (OTOH I am deep into Peter's neutral-colored shawl collar sweater game.) And actually I found myself liking Alex quite a lot. There's a secret weirdo inside of you, sir! Let that freak flag fly. (But get a better haircut, friend.) I like a horse date but I really don't know about this one. Shopping for ugly boutique varsity jackets with BH on them from horseback just does not do it for me. Great boots though! I loved everything about the mud wrestling, and I especially loved the talking heads with increasingly mud-covered dudes. There was not a single inch of actual skin showing on Kenny by the end! I cracked up when Eric confronted Lee and Bryce in the non-wrestling portion of that date and everyone else just peaced out. "Restroom is that way?" Good self-preservation instincts, boys. Seriously! I don't know how I never noticed until now but I can't stop seeing them. Coming this August: Silver in Paradise! (I mock a little but yes, I would love that.) It's classic litigator/debate/oral argument technique - take a phrase from your opponent, flip it, and use it in support of your own argument. And I love it. Can all future Bachelorettes please be attorneys? I can't get enough of seeing trifling dudes get lawyered!