NinjaPenguins

Don’t get me wrong; I like the makeover less each time I see it. Billy swaggering about and making snide comments about fifty cent tours just rubbed me the wrong way. Even though I find him more tolerable now, he often reminds me that he can be 5 gallons of overbaked ass batter in a muffin tin. Isn’t it great that we don’t get to see Mariah’s out of character, awful secret happen on screen, but there’s somehow always time for mind numbing Adam/Chelsea scenes, Phyllis’ narcissistic meltdowns or Victor staring at his phone. What a ham fisted way to get Tessa and Daniel to smash.

Billy was a real dick to Diane. Like he knows from interior design? We all remember the time he loaded up his nostrils with Sherwin Williams Prison Gray flat interior paint and sneezed all over the Chancellor estate. Sorry, still not buying the idiotic, sexist storyline where Chelsea and Sally give up the jobs they’re passionate about just to babysit their bed buddies.I especially don’t believe Sally would give up such a big promotion for a company with no offices run by a bleached Gumby doll. I think JG doesn’t know how to do much more than shove everyone into the same company, even if it makes no sense. I’m sure he thinks a Chelsea/Adam vs. Sally/Billy media rivalry is just the ticket. The problem is that the former couple wronged the latter couple by being gross, cheating assholes. Why would I root for trash? Speaking of which, did everyone take the ink blot test on Phyllis’ dress? I swear to god I saw a pterodactyl clutching a rabid possum flying through the gates of Hell. What an absolutely wretched joke of a mother Phyllis is. She’s completely obsessed with “saving” Daniel whether he wants it or not. She can’t be happy that he has a friend in Tessa who is helping him - if it’s not about Phyllis, it doesn’t count.

You almost have to admire how misogynistic the show can be. While it wasn’t explicitly stated, Audra basically has to fuck Kyle to get start up money from Victor. The vampire is basically a pimp. A Pimpire. Classy. Then you have Chelsea and Sally giving up perfectly good careers they’ve worked hard for. Why? For their loser boyfriends. Cole is obviously dying of the poison Ian Ward slipped into his drink on the plane.

I love these fresh, modern storylines, like two women leaving their dream jobs so they can work with their boyfriends. I also appreciate the self-awareness that every character is imbued with, like Billy the coccyx croissant. Shading Audra for being sneaky when you’re friends with a thirsty psycho is certainly a choice. Can we also talk about the stark realism of a teenage boy commenting on his parents’ romantical quirks and foibles like he’d actually give a shit? You know, I just do not want to watch Cole die of consumption or whatever. Sure, he’s not the pinnacle of excitement, but he’s inoffensive. It seems cruel to let the guy reconnect with his daughter after over two decades and then kill him off. Sure, that daughter turned out to be Claire, but I’m just not up for a tragic soap illness storyline. Unless Adam gets chronic, burning hemorrhoids. Then I’m totally down.

We’re still doing this with Chelsea and Adam? Why? For the love of all that is holy in this world, why? Not only must we suffer their living together glurge and their co-parenting glurge, but now we’re getting their workplace glurge as the cherry on the shit sundae. All Adam does is browbeat Chelsea into doing what he wants, which is exactly what she was supposedly worried about and people warned her about. It’s like they’re on a separate show, isolated from the rest of the canvas and stuck up each other’s backside. The proposal near miss was not cute, and the fools who applauded it should be pelted with breadsticks. Did Lily join the Genoa City PD? She sure has no qualms about interrogating people in very blunt fashion. Instead of hassling Audra, maybe Lily could tour the town asking other people the tough questions that need to be asked. “Hey, Billy, what are we more likely to see first? A unicorn that poops delicious macarons or Abbott Communications’ launch?” I’m just completely underwhelmed by Diane’s makeover. That’s just my own personal taste though. It doesn’t feel modern at all or even refreshed.

Wow. I can’t believe we’re still trotting out the soap opera cough of doom and for a fairly innocuous character too. Nikki is the embodiment of spring break in that she has zero class. For someone who has been a part of high society for decades, she is surprisingly boorish and lacking in manners. (Did I hear her highness call a certain cosmetics company ‘Glee-sahd’? Wtf.) Audra quite pleasantly did not give a fuck. Lol@ Kyle trying to shade her for not having a job when he couldn’t get hired as a chin strap tester in a bike helmet factory unless his father owned it. Double douche points for Kyle acting like barista is a job to be used as an insult. The Abbott makeover reveal: Big whoop. It’s somehow more drab and less modern.

He’s in town to show Claire that she doesn’t have to cling to the first high-haired smirking dipshit she comes across. She must learn that size actually does matter. I’m talking about chins, perverts. I have zero interest in Daniel learning to play guitar, though I’m curious to know what eatery will host the lessons. Come to think of it, I wonder which dining establishment’s table will serve as Abbott Communications headquarters? Phyllis can get a corner office by the dumpsters.

How adorable! Kyle and Claire read some lovely greeting cards to each other. Nannyfuckers and their spun sugar companions exchanging steaming brown nuggets of treacle are precisely the content I tune in for. Time to sic Summer on these two numpties and let the (cow) chips fall where they may. Does Phyllis have any chill? An off switch? The past two days of her cycling through narcissistic mania while also decompensating publicly have been exhausting. She’s going to play the kidnapping card every chance she gets until it reaches Victor at the orphanage levels of repetition. Wtf with that rude, paranoid rant at Sally? Billy looked even more like a man possessed by an ancient constipation spirit as he watched Phyllis pop off like a Diet Coke hit with a Mentos. Even that emotionally stunted dope could acknowledge Daniel’s feelings, but Phyllis can’t reach that admittedly low bar.

I feel like I’m watching HGTV. Honestly the big reveal of the Abbott manse is the only interesting thing on the horizon. Look, I’m not a writer of daytime drama, so clearly my advice isn’t worth the few pixels it takes to show up on screen. Still, if I was a writer, I’d have stuff, like, happen. Imagine a soap with plots that moved at a pace faster than geological time. Imagine no needless exposition, circular conversations or dull dialogue repeated at three different dining establishments like JG is conducting a ritual to bore viewers into a deep fairy tale sleep. Imagine a show that isn’t 95% filler. It’s easy if you try. The esteemed head writer obviously thinks Aristotle Dumas is way more fascinating than he is.

So many lies detected today. First, Jack once again complimented Kyle on his “masterful” handling of the Glissade spy. Pulling a rabid ferret face and posturing like a smarmy prep school bully is hardly impressive. If Jack hadn’t been in the room, Kyle would probably have been treated to a swirly. Second, the urban legend of Victor taking a bullet for his family continues to spread. Make it stop. Abby was also quite foolish, thinking that because Lily is succeeding at Winters that somehow means her father isn’t a giant dick for his betrayal. That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. Michael can’t keep Victor from going off the rails. It’s like he doesn’t hear Victor talking to him like he’s trash just because Michael won’t agree with him 100% Kyle sounds like a complete idiot talking about Claire. “Golly gee, she sure is swell. She makes me smile. Claire is neat.” Shut up, dude. Stop sharing Jabot business with a Newman while you’re at it.

Matthison was not, in fact, troubled by his conscience as the Abbott men confronted him. He was perplexed by the way Kyle’s lips and chin winked in and out of existence yet his pompadour stood tall. Matthison had seen any number of fell things at Newman, but this… this. It was the first time he felt afraid. - Confessions of a Corporate Spy Hey, Kyle, you mad, bro? Holden doesn’t need a cloying kid or cringe ass schmoopy to bring a smile to Claire’s face. Audra is going to get burnt by Victor again when Holden does for free what Victor is paying her to do. Doo I care who Aristotle Doo-mah is at this point? No I doo not. I just wish all the characters would stop saying his name so much that it sounds like a doo-mahss nonsense word. I know it’ll backfire spectacularly, but Victor deserves every ounce of gloating he gets from the Abbott family. Actually, he probably deserves a life sentence for the shit he’s pulled. Stop mumbling and take your medicine, mustache.

They should rename this show People Talking in One of Three Eateries. It’s unwieldy, but I think it accurately captures the flavor. Hey, Victoria, if you didn’t mean to blame Sharon, why not choose different words? And, you know, if I was a big time rival corporation, I’d just plant spies among the waitstaff at Crimson Lights, Society and the Athletic Club. It was nice of Victoria to give Nick some coloring books to keep himself amused on the plane. I doubt Noah will be amused that his dad still has that imaginary friend Christian. Absolutely pointless, circular conversation between Jack and Diane. Not many insights were gleaned from Traci, Phyllis and Sharon either, except that perhaps Sharon shouldn’t try to manage conversations like they’re therapy sessions. Traci is taking off soon, having played her part as Martin’s dupe in a far fetched tale full of sound and fury signifying fuck all. Something about the emotional fallout from this whole mess just seems… shallow? Hollow? Whatever.

Oh yeah. I remember. Why, Genoa City even used to have a hospital! It’s a shame what’s happened to this once great corporate metropolis, now reduced to a few residences, a single suite, some offices and various eateries where Claire and Kyle can ruin other customers’ appetites with their inane flirting. Hey, Victor, the only reason you’re alive, outside of obvious necromancy, is an Abbott heart. Shut your fucking disrespectful mouth about that family, ‘k? Claire’s and Kyle’s insipidity will eventually grow so dense that their relationship will eventually collapse in on itself, forming a non-event horizon from which no chemistry can escape. See Adam and Chelsea for example. Let nature take its course. Wow, I thought Audra was smarter than falling for Victor’s b.s. again. Not to mention he’s suggesting Audra practically prostitute herself for a job. Gosh, I wish Claire and Kyle had their own sitcom where they treated audiences to latte based banter. They’re so funny and adorbs, like watching a Precious Moments figurine pants a Live Laugh Love sign.

I found Ashley to be like… condescending? patronizing? when comforting Traci. I can’t explain it well, but something about their interaction rubbed me the wrong way. I almost fell outta my chair when I saw there was an actual gosh darned police station in Genoa City. Sure, it’s one room like the hospital and basic as hell, but it gives Chance a place to smirk. Btw, why was Chance so smug slapping the cuffs on Martin? This wasn’t some great feat of detecting, buddy.

Am I the only one who got a terrible feeling of foreboding when Sharon said that? I sense this is not over. Hopefully Chance will learn better interrogation techniques than letting Phyllis run her ”I know you are but what am I” gambit on suspects.