NinjaPenguins

Thank goodness someone else thought this. A Summers family Christmas kicking off with a fresh kill would not surprise me at all. As it was, the tree trimming was heartwarming like a fire hose blast of ice water to the crotch. The comedic highlight was Summer calling herself a style expert while wearing that shirt. Naturally, Phyllis ends the episode with ominous threats serving as her holiday wish. Nothing else happened after that. Nothing. Cave baboon Nick returns, grunting and throwing scat to establish his dominance over Sharon’s case. Michael fortunately has experience settling down dumb assholes. If Nick is so hot to investigate, he should open his own detective agency and see if he can’t find his own ass with two hands, a flashlight and a map.

How can one describe the raw passion that seared our screens this afternoon? Don’t know why, but I feel like I watched an unkempt turtle dry hump an undercooked breadstick in a litter box. So hot. And totally not pathetic. Zende pumping his fist like his favorite football team just scored a touchdown after Brooke left the office was a choice. His shirt was also a choice. Lol@Taylor dramatically murmuring about what Ridge had gone through that night. Like he’d narrowly escaped a sound thumping by an enraged alpaca leading a gaggle of switchblade wielding geese. Taylor needs to look at how fast Ridge turned on his “destiny” and realize she’ll be ditched even faster than that.

I’m sorry to keep dwelling on this, but I cannot begin to measure the enormous amount of fuckwittery required to NOT grasp a parent standing by their child. Eric, Taylor, Steffy and Ridge do not have a microdrop of emotional intelligence between them. Three of them act like they were locked in a cell for twenty years and force fed anti-Logan propaganda. Taylor hangs around like a dingleberry hoping to become the sole occupant of Ridge’s backside. You’d think hanging around all these fashion connoisseurs would have taught Taylor that thirst is a bad look. But, wait! Brooke somehow still wants to prove her loyalty to the manbaby who called her daughter vile names and demanded she relocate her granddaughter. He is quite the prize, with his trash mouth, ultimatums and how much respect he has for women. Brooke all but holds up a “I’m going to give Forrester back to you” sign and that unwashed idiot misses the blatantly obvious message. Ridge thinks so little of Brooke that he immediately assumes the worst. It’s the CPS call all over again.

Color me underwhelmed. I always love Jack, but the rest of the show was a total waste of my time. Watching Nikki and Victoria gush and fret about Claire’s first day of nepo baby daycare was exhausting. You’d think Claire was an alien tossed overboard as a flying saucer buzzed by planet Earth. Golly, will our plucky heroine ever learn what it means to be truly human? When you’re absorbed into the Newman collective, chances are high you’ll learn how to be an asshole and little else. As if two idiots mooning over Claire wasn’t thrilling enough, Kyle was a contestant on the “Compliment Claire” game. Everyone lost, including the audience. I’m surprised show didn’t have Claire pop into Crimson Lights to offer her sage advice to Diane instead of Esther. What a missed opportunity. I can’t believe I’m typing this, but I think I’m rooting for Summer to steal her brother husband back.

Kyle could even use therapy from Sharon when she’s totally blitzed on PCP. Poor Little Lord Fuckleroy, his executive suite has not been vacated quickly enough by the usurper. Did the King of Jabot not bestow the title of co-CEO upon his failson with a royal decree? Go stick your stupid head in a chamber pot, Kyle. The court jester, meanwhile, jauntily japes at Jack while manspreading his Jiminy Cricket legs and demanding the treasure secured in the royal vault so he can buy himself a Flonase the size of a Chinook helicopter to ease his winter sniffles. That scamp. Hey, did you guys know Claire is super neat and totally modest and just wants to impress her new family with her pure intentions and moxie? I feel we don’t hear about that enough.

It’s stunning to me that Eric, Ridge, Taylor and Steffy are stunned, just absolutely stunned that Brooke is standing by her daughter. What kind of trash are these people that they can’t comprehend this? Also amazing is how Ridge defines loyalty - Brooke snitched on Hope almost immediately and repeatedly stated she didn’t condone the takeover. That’s not enough for the self-righteous manbaby. No, Hope must be banished into the void so that Ridge won’t suffer the indignity of her mere presence. Speaking of annoying self-righteousness, who in the hell appointed Katie the head of the HR department? Does she not find it odd or suspicious that she received an email full of nudes? There’s no investigation? Yes, by all means, Katie, protect your precious angel from the sinful harlot. It’s great being transported to the 1950’s for a half hour every weekday afternoon.

Sometimes I feel like I’m watching Phyllis fanfic. Poor Phyllis! No one ever believes her because she’s a pathological liar who faked her own death. Why does this keep happening to her? It’s just one of life’s little mysteries that acting like a hateful trash bag somehow makes people loathe to trust you. So close to enlightenment, yet so far. Then, suddenly, Phyllis has wisdom. Yes, Phyllis pontificates on the follies of revenge to Billy and somehow is not blitzed with ball lightning. You know she’ll be back cawing and flapping her wings in Sharon’s face in no time flat, so spare us her anti-vengeance soliloquy. Goodness, what a romantical and charming trip down memory lane with Jordan and Ian. Lovely to see how those two crazy kids got together.

Michael, I’m already in love with you - you don’t have to keep up the charm offensive. I’m lying. Please continue to gleefully and publicly mock Phyllis’ psychotic behavior and not give two blue dilly fucks that she won’t be your friend anymore. But, um, was Phyllis hitting on Billy at the coffee house, trying to tempt him with her prunes in tube socks when he’s got Sally waiting for him? I simultaneously feel bad for Billy while wondering if this means Phyllis has hit rock bottom. What a world. Didn’t really care for the nasty little “inside joke” exchange at Lily’s celebratory dinner. Audra knows they don’t like her; no need for that high school behavior.

Electra is a bit too new and a touch too perky for me to get invested in this stalker storyline. Maybe when things get to the inevitable Eyebrows vs. Chompers steel cage match or if Luna teams up with Remy to wreak havoc on the Spencer men, it’ll be more interesting to me. Ridge has taken simple dickishness and elevated it into an art form. Let us admire his work! Yes, he keeps dipping into the misogyny by insisting Hope is responsible for Carter’s actions when she wouldn’t know an LLC from LSD. No, it must be a woman who led poor puppet Carter astray. We’re all familiar with Ridge’s consistently brilliant work in the field of sexist bullshit, but then he unveiled his “your daughter is a slut” masterpiece and, personally, my jaw dropped to the floor. There is a streak of cruelty here as the greaseball denigrates his “destiny”’s daughter with a term he knows will hurt Brooke due to her personal history. Ridge’s ego is much larger than I thought it was, and I figured it could cast a shadow over the entire west coast of North America. He actually believed he would come out on the winning end of an ultimatum to choose him or Hope. (To be fair, you never know with Brooke) Ridge actually expected her to kick her daughter and granddaughter off the property for his trifling ass. Then, when he takes his wounded ego and manpain over to the Cult of the Anti-Logan, they’re all just aghast that Brooke would defend her own child. All Taylor and Ridge ever do is enable their kids’ worst impulses, but other parents should just throw away their own children like trash. The best part of Ridge’s amazing asshole artistry in this episode is that he willingly went to his own punishment without even realizing it. Enjoy sharing a bed with a limp beige dishrag with all the sexual energy of a traffic cone, dumbass! Just imagine the heartwarming family evenings with Steffy, Ridge, Taylor and Finn sipping hot cocoa while having a good old-fashioned Anti-Logan circle jerk. Sounds like a hell of Ridge’s own making.

I noticed Jack caught a virulent case of manspreading from his little brother. Dude, I know you’re feeling yourself since one upping Victor, but don’t let your legs be strangers. Man, is there anything more entertaining than watching rich assholes bestow gifts on one another? Just a tacky, vulgar display by idiots with too much money and not enough class. Victor’s little talk with Claire about the evil, horrible Abbott family was not only blatant projection but struck me as a hamfisted attempt to add stakes to Claire’s and Kyle’s deadly dull relationship. So Lily goes back to Winters while Nikki is positively giddy over her gift wrapped, unearned position. Sounds about right.

Yeah, Ridge can take several seats when it comes to his repulsive son. He was a douche long before Hope and he’ll be a douche forever after. His douchebaggery is infinite and eternal, just like his daddy’s. Hope couldn’t have been more clear with Thomas than if she’d tattooed “Don’t fucking propose” on the inside of his eyelids. And painting Liam as a victim of Hope’s feminine wiles? Buddy, fuck all the way off. Will kind of showed his ass today. I have zero use for Remy and his eyebrows of doom, so whatever.

You know what’s great? I am utterly charmed by how bereft of fucks Michael continues to be about Phyllis ending their friendship. Maybe he’s as exhausted as the rest of us by her traveling narcissistic roadshow and wing flappin’ jamboree. She’s really enjoying her impromptu public performances of Avenging Asshole Who Probably Couldn’t Pick Heather Out of a Lineup. Sharon gets the gold star of the day for suggesting Phyllis stay the fuck out of her coffee shop. Victor doesn’t get that being able to admit to mistakes is a real show of strength. He looks like a pathetic clown claiming Jack got lucky. I want to dunk my head in bleach every time he mumbles about debauchery. I’m starting to think he suspects Nikki and Jack had a night of drunken sex but doesn’t have the mummified grapes to ask. There is some compassion owed to Billy, regent of the rump rolls and prince of the posterior pastry. Imagine being passed over for a job for the likes of Kyle, a seething shit volcano of bitterness and chinless, formula-stealing dingleberry. Smaller egos would be crushed, but not so our duke of derrière dumplings. Nothing can slow his jaunty roll as he plots his vengeance against Victor. Honestly, I’d love to see him get it, but we know how the writing works.

I feel like I need a shower after watching this show. If only Ridge felt the same way, right? He’s such a vile ogre, having a temper tantrum like a kid, telling Hope everyone hates her. Brooke is even more pathetic, wanting to support the man who called her daughter a nasty little bitch. I feel another break coming on, unless of course we’re guaranteed a scene of Deacon sending Ridge on a fun scavenger hunt for his teeth.

Man, Ridge, that ain’t it. What an ugly, uncomfortable ending. Gross.

The absolute worst was her scene with Daniel. It actually made me feel a twinge of compassion for the putz. Phyllis is quite obviously uninterested in his feelings; the grief Daniel feels is just Phyllis’s latest excuse for acting like an unhinged sack of wet kittens. She’s in his face, just frothing at the mouth and screaming that his beloved partner is dead, dead, dead. All Phyllis cares about is browbeating him into joining her two minute hate. She was thissss close to accusing Daniel of disloyalty and betrayal when he looked like “hmmm, yeah, drugs would explain Sharon’s behavior. What’s my mother’s excuse?” Who else is super excited to watch Nick try and fail to calm Phyllis down again. Just hit her with the elephant tranquilizers and be done with it. I lol’ed at Ian just shedding his half-assed disguise and openly showing his face in public. Premium effort, guy.