NinjaPenguins

The Eyebrow is back, baby. Gotta say, he doesn’t look like a Dario, but whatever. I like Bill a bit more when he adds a little asshole to his game. Luna revealed herself rather hastily, but I see those two crazy kids going places. Have to admit that TN is good at physical acting, in that Finn was so worked up by the end of the show that I thought the cliffhanger would be him having a medical episode.

Or… and hear me out here… we don’t bring back Tara? There’s plenty of boring, pointless characters on the canvas. What if we send Harrison to live with her? Summer, Kyle and Claire could all eat shit, which, for me, is a win-win-win. Maybe reveal that Theo is actually the father and bring him back long enough to share petroleum saturation tips with Nick. But, yeah, Summer was a real asshole this episode. However, having Claire and Kyle sit in a cozy cafe blandly talking about how their love will defy all the haters, followed by Claire and Kyle exchanging a chaste kiss over the table isn’t really selling a grand love story. I’m pretty sure Kyle’s lips disappeared and with his… minimalist chin, that kiss looked weird, man. So, basically all Victor did was find out stuff that any good private investigator could uncover. Now Michael will have to dig for the dirty details. That Victor is a force to be reckoned with. Damien is too intense, I think. Like he’s always got the intensity cranked up to 11 for every situation. He may be right that Amy could have kept the paternity stuff to herself. Both fathers are dead and his remaining family boils down to Natey Nate Nate. (Kidding, kind of. I sorta like Nate, especially half-dressed). Maybe Damien can teach Devon to kick his dour, uptight prick game up a notch. Previews: I don’t recall ordering scenes of Chelsea and Adam dining in the grim faux raunch, not generating enough spark to power a single watt light. Looks like someone realized the best way to torment Sharon and Phyllis was to make them endure each other’s company.

It was nice of Liam to pop by to fawn over Steffy and her marriage, a marriage so perfect and full of love that it will undoubtedly redefine the institution for centuries to come. Finn must have the memory of a goldfish to not realize how shit goes down when he offers Steffy a truth she doesn’t want to hear. Maybe she’ll move in with mom and dad and grandpa so the crybaby collective can mix in caterwauling about Finn in between Logan roasts. I’m leaning this way too.

Phyllis is obviously hiding in Billy’s left nostril, hoping he doesn’t sneeze and blow her cover. I will say that it’s bold of show to presume anyone gives a damn where the velociraptor is. Summer telling Chance that looking for her mother would go a long way to making up for Daniel’s arrest was the high test Newman entitlement bullshit nobody needed or asked for. That’s not how any of this works, you dope. Damien should try a different approach. Lily has done the international tour of putzes from Wisconsin to Australia and just isn’t having it anymore. He must be one smitten kitten to make a beeline for his mother just because Lily thought he should. Holden becomes less appealing with every thirsty encounter. Bud, Audra told you she’s with Nate; back off.

The fact that he went three minutes would make it Billy’s finest hour, so to speak. Summer sort of has Chance, but you have to understand that she sees Claire and Kyle sharing that smoking hot sibling chemistry while also dating and… well, it makes her yearn for how things used to be with Kyle back in the day. If I may correct Victor, Summer’s marriage imploded because she chose being an accessory to her mother’s crimes over her husband. Poor Victor, all alone in his shadowy raunch, plotting revenge and unable to get his lackey on the phone. Imagine if he devoted his golden (platinum? titanium?) years to not being a dick. Maybe his raunch would be filled with light and love and all that Hallmark bullshit instead of dour faced visitors lining up to kiss the ring and GTFO. Speaking of undeserved ass kissing, Michael’s at it again. He has no rhyme or reason for his loyalty to Victor and can’t explain it in any way that makes sense. I guess there’s the father figure thing, but Michael’s seen what Victor does to his own kids. If Michael hates the Jabot plan so much, he shouldn’t do it. Warn Jack. Sabotage it. It’s not like Victor won’t turn on him for some made up reason eventually.

I truly appreciate how there’s room in most episodes for someone to fawn over Steffy. Whether it be her mother offering compliments in a beige monotone or her hand puppet husband, Steffy always has someone polishing her apple. The problem is that the apple is actually a cow flop and now all these other characters are covered in shit. But, hey, Steffy’s father excels at ruining characters, so she’s a chip off the ol’ turd monolith. I’m sure Brooke’s dignity is around somewhere; the hobo she’s so hot for probably stole it and hid it in his favorite train car. How cold, arrogant, degrading and cruel does Ridge have to be to snap Brooke out of this? There’s nothing romantic about watching a woman throw her daughter under the bus for a misogynist oil slick. That bindle toting bozo had the gall to bring up Thomas, his child abusing, murdering stalker son, as part of Hope’s pattern of ruining men? Nah, man. Ridge and Taylor created both the monsters that have tried to ruin Hope’s life. Hilarious that Ridge can imagine Hope terrorizing FC employees. By hilarious, I mean fuck off. The moon doesn’t have enough square footage to handle the enormity of his projection. The high powered fragrance inventor has nothing better to do than tattletale to Steffy that daddy was talking to Brooke behind closed doors? God, Steffy, stop answering Daphne’s calls with “bonjour”, you pretentious fool. It just blows my mind that Brooke and Carter are doing a good job, having success and have the chance to succeed even more, but they’d give it up for a vulgar clod who insults them to their face and says even worse things behind their back. Ridge continually escalates his vitriol against Hope. I wouldn’t let him on company grounds, but I’m not hobo-curious like Brooke and Carter. Truer words were never spoken than when Finn declared that Steffy deserved to know the truth about Luna. Also wanted to give him props for the excellent photoshop of the Nozawa women all happy and smiling together.

Do the show runners know that Victor comes off as a straight up psychopath? Stop trying to gild the cow flop with the frequent lie that he took a bullet for his family. We all saw what happened. The Lord of the Underworld will decide when the Abbotts have suffered enough? Is that so? Maybe Traci should decide that and repossess her daughter’s property. Remember, like, when Michael had dignity and self-respect? Pepperidge Farm remembers. He immediately gets dressed down by Victor upon entering the raunch, but still keeps his ass seated and decides to be complicit in the next legally dubious round of bullshit. That’s the well-earned reward for being so loyal to one narcissist that you agree to risk being murdered by another one. As if Michael couldn’t easily ply his trade elsewhere instead of toiling in Satan’s suck factory. Summer was certainly looking at Kyle like he was a tasty morsel as he stood at the bar. Somebody was starving for tall glass of newly expired milk, amirite? Wonder if Kyle will catch a clue that Victor is up to something, or will the clue get stuck in his pompadour as it sails over his head? See, Claire, a leopard can’t change its spots. But you could have and should have. Daniel and Summer could have benefited from a clue that not everyone uses their mother as shorthand for petty, jealous and obsessive. Good luck at your new job, Daniel, and keep that sense of humor intact for when Phyllis torches the whole thing trying to get in Billy’s pants.

Wow. Now Brooke is thiiisss close to blaming her daughter for “the coup.” Stay classy. It must be hell at Forrester Creations under Carter’s brutal corporate regime. Why wouldn’t morale be low with all the success and dignity and stuff? No hobos washing their junk in the janitor’s closet sink and no two minute Logan hates? Who can work under such conditions? Ridge, buddy, companies change hands all the time, even companies named after people. You ain’t special. Hope was dropping truth bombs all over you, but, luckily for you, you’re armored in your own arrogance. Did Steffy call Hope a seditious traitor? Seriously? Fuck off. She and her parents are unwatchable.

Victor and Nikki are, unsurprisingly, awful as usual. Condescending to Lily, lording their win over her and pretending she’s the unreasonable one for not fawning at their feet is some next level entitled asshole behavior. All Lily wants as a peace offering is dirt on Damien? Hopefully once she gets it, she thanks Victor and tells him to get bent. There is more chemistry between Billy’s nostrils than between Claire and Kyle. Maybe Claire should stop pushing grandpa on Kyle like she’s trying to introduce him to meth. As much as I hate giving Kyle credit for anything, he has vastly more experience with Victor’s terrorizing of the Abbott family than her ass does. Claire’s “I have a family now” shtick is going to become the next Victor’s orphanage story, isn’t it? Don’t turn thirsty now, Holden.

Ha ha, look at what an asshole Hope is, actually celebrating the company’s success! Like, who does that? Carter needs to apologize ASAP for doing a good job and treating employees with respect. Douche. Honest to fuck, who reads this drivel and approves it? Do they live on planet Earth? I know there’s an audience somewhere for misogynist bullies and abusive hobos, but there’s also an audience eager to watch these toxic knobs get their comeuppance. Apparently the show is going all in on blaming Hope for everything, so the latter audience can suck it. Brooke still chasing Ridge after the way he attacked her daughter has ruined her.

I see we’re disregarding Nick’s rigorous post-graduate studies. He is a proud alumnus of DUH, THE Douchebro University (The ‘h’ is silent and purely cosmetic). In fact, he was the star knucklehead for the DUH Garbage Apes pocket pool team, shattering school records for most cranks yanked per match. Don’t ask to see the trophy. In the world of academics, it’s publish or perish, and our Mr. Newman burned the midnight oil and a shipping container’s volume in crayons producing the kind of research that landed him in the C suite of his father’s company. His work appears in such influential journals as Flatulent Academic Research Theories, Petroleum Coiffure Processing, Monogamy Only Restrains Our Nature and Opting Out of Protected Sex. While Nick did not bring the typical set of skills to the corporate world, like simple math, reading for comprehension and business etiquette, his ability to lob sulphuric tush torpedoes has turned the tide of negations in Newman Enterprises favor. It’s hard to resist the pungent persuasion when the office door is locked from the outside. Y’all need to come correct on shaming this man’s non traditional education.

I have been slain. Bring surfgirl to justice!

I’m so sorry that no one could celebrate the successful launch of the jewelry line. It just ain’t a party without a vulgar hobo on the scene. You have to give it to Carter; nothing says Valentine’s Day like asking your girlfriend to apologize to her tormentors. Idiot. I have to echo the confusion about what exactly Brooke was trying to say to Carter about not having someone he loves with him on Valentine’s Day. What exactly is going on here? Is there a threesome on the horizon or something? That was some idiotic dialogue. Why is Daphne watching the jewelry launch with the Forrester clown collective? Is her character actually an alien learning to use her new human body, ‘cause that’s the vibe I’m getting.

Now I know what ten pounds of crap in a five pound bag looks like in soap form. Talk about mailing it in for the holidays. Adam’s subconscious is one greedy sumbitch. He dreams that Chelsea, in some of her, uh, finest Valentine’s Day schmatta and Sally both want a piece of him. Get over yourself, sir. Adam and Chelsea have all the sexual and romantic chemistry of a goldfish fucking a pineapple ring. Sharon is dreaming about Nick, but never gets to the part of the fantasy where she falls short of his lofty standards and he treats her like hot garbage. I thought Phyllis’ dream would have her clutching Billy in her talons and flying him to her mountaintop aerie to commit unspeakable acts against him, so her sequence was pretty tame.

Why is so much time spent on Phyllis’ perspective and listening to her caw caw about it to whoever will listen? She’s obnoxious, selfish and childish, and I think we all can safely guess what kind of crazy thoughts are ping ponging around in her head. Billy shouldn’t have called her to begin with, but he definitely should have hung up when she told him something he’d already said could wait a few days. Nick should have walked away at her first wisecrack, not gone to get a drink with her. Stop indulging the egomaniac. The way I remember Nate’s earlier interactions with Amy, fwiw, is that Amy said she never told Jackson or Damien the truth about Damien’s paternity. She wanted to tell him now so he’d have family when she was gone. Whether any of it is true, I don’t know, but that’s my recollection. And, damn, Damien sure liked what he saw when he almost ran into Lily. I’m sure whatever secret is shared between Audra and Holden will be a huge letdown, as are most of JG’s stories. Or maybe we’ll never know what happened, like when Ian came back to life in the ambulance. It was cruel to tease us with a Tucker mention. Billy never learns, despite getting all that oxygen to his brain from the deluxe intake vents on his face.