NinjaPenguins

A Simple Recap - Come for the Pity Party, Stay for the Man Pain Daniel blames himself for Phyllis’s accident. Elena wisely points out that if he were truly responsible, the mayor would be at the hospital pinning a medal on his chest. Kyle coos at baby Summer and even cheers on the comatose assclown who took a blowtorch to their marriage. Chance sees them sharing a warm moment and realizes he’s almost free. Kyle leaves to find a plunger that will pull his lips back out, and Summer caw caws at Chance. Like all Newmans, she believes the GCPD is a subsidiary of Newman Enterprises and owes her gross family special favors. Billy asks Jack for Diane’s old job. Jack bites his lip and declines. He also looks momentarily disgusted when Billy tells him that Victor is giving Chancellor to Nikki. What an embarrassment of riches available to Jabot - a thin-skinned, nepo baby corporate thief or an emo, nepo baby embezzler. Instead of just telling Billy about the ruse to save Kyle from his own stank attitude, Jack rejects him and lets him believe he’s a fuck up. Poor, friendless Lucy is back with newfound self esteem and a potential boyfriend named Scotty. Auntie Summer, having discarded another man who wouldn’t kiss the family backside arrives at the hospital to complete the circle of suck around Phyllis’ bedside. Lucy wants to be alone with Grandma Pee Pee to see if her raptor-whispering classes have paid off. Jack and Diane meet on a park bench, conspicuously acting like a couple of teens trying to sneak a vape. Diane is super excited to reward Kyle with the position he wanted all along, but Jack would prefer their son stop being a petulant dickweed before he gets a treat. Billy’s drowning his sorrows again, but at least he has a public make out session with Sally to brighten his day. The rest of us get the roundhouse kick to the larynx that is Lucy awakening the beast. Phyllis looks like absolute hell, which proves you can judge a book by its cover. Hopefully she has amnesia and forgets her personality.

My favorite part of Daniel’s avenging angel shtick is that he thinks he has any say in whether Sharon serves hard time in a supermax or gets bundled off to a psychiatric hospital. Daniel will never forgive Sharon. Oh noes! Cassie’s death set off a chain of events leading to Summer’s existence, so guess what, buddy? No one will ever forgive you either.

A Simple Recap - Saying Stupid Things Ian Ward is a free man who used his connections and resources to pull an identity switch that allowed Jordan to escape her max security prison. All he wants in return is for Jordan to risk her newfound freedom by going out and procuring the delicious tears of Sharon’s daughters. He foolishly utters the word obedience. Jordan isn’t a naive cultist but instead a sucker for flattery. By the end of the episode, she’s been persuaded to carry out Ian’s mission of misery. Daniel has a big mad at Sharon and is half-assedly restrained by the garbage ape. My head knows that Daniel is actually a victim, but my heart insists that he’s a schmuck from a long and undignified line of schmucks. Michael tells him to GTFO and Nick finally spirits him off to visit the hot mess in the hospital bed. Diane decides she wants to give her job to Kyle so he’ll finally stop pouting, but Jack is like “Hell to the no. I don’t want that sneaky motherfucker creeping around the eye shadow and shit.” Not an exact quote. Oh good, it’s more OCD PSA with Connor and Chelsea who would be better off STFU. Sally drops by Crimson Lights so Chelsea can self flagellate until everyone is uncomfortable. Sally gives her some hard truths about what assholes she and Adam are but pledges to be civil at work. Unfortunately, Sally goes off the rails with all kinds of nonsense about how Adam and Chelsea are TWU WUV FOREVAH. Hey, writer guy, repeating over and over that Adam and Chelsea are destined to reunite is no replacement for chemistry, which those faithless fuckwits utterly lack. Adam and Billy have one of their no-winners dick measuring contests, exchanging nepo baby barbs and other trash talk. I found myself waiting for them to make out. Adam, who has blossomed into a dazzling douche flower, still blames Billy for expecting his girlfriend to be honest. You have to be a real putz to make me side with Billy, but Adam rises to the occasion. Nick visits Phyllis in the hospital and apologizes for not believing her. Fuck outta here with this crap. Nobody wants to see that psycho get her tires pumped. Summer is confused, as usual, so Nick takes her and Daniel into the pop-up waiting room to explain. Daniel doesn’t want to hear any of it and Summer mimics him like a dumbass parrot. Daniel talks about Sharon murdering Cameron Kirsten, which are you out of your fucking mind, dude? He also blows up about Nick’s white knight complex, which is not entirely misplaced. Michael consoles Sharon until Mariah takes over. He goes to coffee with Christine, who suggests that Phyllis will not be pleased with him for defending Sharon. Michael says he adores Phyllis, but he also knows that their friendship is a one way street to hell. Again, not an exact quote. Billy witnesses a fake fight between Jack and Diane at the Abbott manse. He buys it completely. Billy tells his brother that he’s in a downward spiral and could disappear into his own nostrils if it continues.

Is there anything better than listening to vile hypocrite Taylor smarmily snickering about horrible Hope to hand puppet Finn? Why, yes! Listening to Steffy spew her misogynist venom while her spineless father stood there was the true treat of the day. Talk about a family filled to the brim with toxic, damaged idiots.

A Simple Recap - Use Your Imagination Imagine that you are a trained scientist with an electron scanning microscope. You would still fail to find the subatomic sliver of sympathy I have for coddled rage monkey nepo-baby Kyle. Instead of being humbled by his discovery that he’s a naive bell end whose surface level anger was easily manipulated by a warlock, he twists everything so he can still be the victim. Claire comes armed with a side part that could step to Nate’s and a sweatshirt I wore in junior high, but still can’t pierce Kyle’s velvety soft bubble of manbaby privilege. Nick hires Michael to defend Sharon, but she doesn’t want any part of it. Chance tells Daniel he’s a free man. Daniel celebrates by jumping up Chance’s handsome buttocks with both feet and demanding to know if Sharon copped to the crime. Ineffectual Christine meanders into Phyllis’ room, strangely unaware that Phyllis would smother her with a pillow if the roles were reversed. Chris actually fixes her face to say she’ll pray for Phyllis and that she can’t imagine a world without her. Really, asshole? It’s easy if you try. Tessa and Mariah discuss Sharon. We learn Faith has shut down emotionally, and here’s hoping when she snaps, it’s with dickhead Daniel. Kyle has a new angle on his parents; see, Jack is as bad as Victor and is equally at fault for the feud. Right? Remember that time Jack had Victor kidnapped and replaced by a dangerous narcotics kingpin? Kyle is such a shitbird. Victor signs Glissade over to Diane, but guess what? Victor the omniscient and omnipotent is slipping her a poison pill. Yep, Victor always, always has to the upper hand, which leaves no possibility for drama or suspense. We learn that Ian’s part of the plan is to isolate Sharon from everyone she loves. If Jordan helps Ian with his bullshit, he’ll help solve her family problems. Things are still vague. Daniel decides a really good idea is to show up at Sharon’s, and her baboon butler lets the dim bulb in. He wonders “How could you?” Ask your mom about plotting and covering up, nimrod. Oh wait, she’s in a coma. *happy dance*

A Simple Recap - The Doctor Is In Did you know? A dense bouffant exerts enough gravity to draw one’s mouth into a fatal death spiral, the lips endlessly winking out of existence as they tumble toward the event horizon. Poor Kyle. His parents explain their master plan to pry him out of Victor’s clutches. Sharon emotes her ass off to one of her houseplants - my bad, that ficus is actually Nick, who finally, finally opens his cakehole to say “Nah.” He thinks Sharon is experiencing med-related hallucinations like the one where she finds him a desirable romantic partner. Phyllis is mercifully silent as her annoying kids wail and rend their garments at her hospital bedside. Elena is back, running the one room hospital and partial hallway with quiet confidence. She explains that Phyllis needs more scans, as you rarely see pterodactyl bones on x-ray. Phyl also needs a neurologist, and Summer wants to know what that means as she is very unfamiliar with their area of study. Kyle works himself into a serious case of diaper rash as he tries to cope with his parents’ grand plan. He ticks off a list of all the things Jack and Diane have been doing and saying to make sure it’s all fake. Sure enough, it’s all as fake as any orgasm Claire will have with Kyle. The pomp bristles with indignation that his mother was mean to him. Diane reminds him that he was such a dick, people mistook him for a dildo and tried to return him to the adult toy shop next to Rexx Rugs. Kyle’s nose wrinkles into that rabid weasel sneer we all know and love. Sharon’s daughters return home, because an arrest for murder is a special family occasion. Faith is a mess and blames Phyllis, and Nick, garbage ape to his core, admonishes her not to point fingers. Mariah isn’t buying Sharon’s confession either. Nick has already called Chance, who needs him to fly his sweaty ass to the hospital as Summer got lost on the way to the vending machines. Elena tells Phyllis’ kids that she suffered a contrecoup blow to the brain, possibly due to the car accident but more likely stemming from years of repeated snake-like movements. Hey, JG, nice fancy word. I watch old episodes of Perry Mason too. Also, who is the vanishingly small audience for two idiots blubbering praise and tributes over Phyllis’ prone form? Daniel works himself into a lather over Sharon, who he is now convinced did the deed. Summer can’t follow his logic because, well, Summer. Kyle and Claire go out for drinks so Kyle can process what an ass he is and what a giant warthog deuce Victor is. Angelic Claire encourages him to let go of the bitterness. Meanwhile, Diane frets at home that she’s lost Kyle forever. Chance arrives and is dumbfounded as Sharon tells him how to do his job. She changed into her “getting charged with homicide” outfit, so you know shit be serious.

I find that there’s a Seinfeld quote or reference for 99% of situations. In fact, it would be awesome if Jack sneered “Newman” at Victor whenever they crossed paths. Agree. They have a non-repulsive vibe. It was probably a good idea to not have them jump right into bed for some sleazy revenge sex.

A Simple Recap - Josh Morrow Acts with His Sweat Glands Kyle gets fired again and it’s both real and spectacular. Devon makes a speech before he and Abby head off to Fiji. He wishes his wife a happy birthday and thanks *gag* Victor and Ashley for bringing Abby into the world. Extremely rude to forget the turkey baster. Audra catches the bouquet. Nate smirks. Billy commiserates with Sally and plots to uncover a relic that will seal Victor in the netherworld forever. Sally suggests he eat first. Nick hurries to Sharon’s house. On the way, he discovers a half eaten Hot Pocket that Christian lost under a seat. Sharon blubbers that she’s run Phyllis off the road during a blackout. Nick explains that she’s a good person who wouldn’t intentionally hurt anyone. Sharon is about to blow his mind. Check the transcript: Sharon explains that Phyllis is right about her and needed to be silenced. Nick (inner monologue): My tum-tum hurts. What could it be? Sharon goes back to the beginning, the reemergence of grief over Cassie, the anger over Faith’s and Lucy’s car accident and, oh yeah, her personal demon, Cameron Kirsten. Nick: This situation is escalating quickly. Maybe if I sit very, very still, my sphincter will maintain structural integrity. Lol I don’t even know what that means. Sharon talks about the relentless pressure from dead Cameron to exact vengeance on Daniel. She describes buying poison and breaking into Daniel’s apartment to mix it with his whiskey. She couldn’t do it. Nick: If I blink, it’s all over. I don’t know if this couch can handle the detonation. I’m sweating. I got Niagara Falls pouring down my buttcrack. Sharon doesn’t need a brownout on top of a blackout. Sharon tearfully explains that Heather came home just as she was leaving. There was a confrontation. Sharon passed out. When she woke up, Heather was dead. Nick: Oh hell no. The payload is in the chamber. I gots to make a run for it. Wait, did Sharon just say she broke into dipshit’s apartment? Sharon reveals how she disposed of Heather’s body under Cameron’s guidance. About how he came up with a new way to get justice for Cassie - by framing Daniel for Heather’s murder. Nick: Maybe I can absorb it back into my body. Reverse osmosis? Have I solved mankind’s poo problem? Does Sharon expect me to believe she carried Heather’s dead weight downstairs and yeeted it off a bridge? Whoa. Maybe she’s an X-men. Sharon concludes her tragic tale, apologizing over and over while Nick remains sweaty and silent. He’s getting that look on his face, the thunderous look of judgement and moral superiority. Sharon wonders if it’s time to call Chance yet? Anyhoo, Jack and Diane arrive home, where their diaper baby is pitching a fit. They decide he’s in the right emotional state to reveal they’ve been playing everyone in order to pry him out of Victor’s talons. Nikki and Victor smugly congratulate each other on the wedding, the raunch, Chancellor and most of all, for being Genoa City’s most revolting people. PREVIEWS: Phyllis in another coma? Hot damn! Cartoon villain Aunt Jordan celebrating with champagne? Meh. Rest assured that Victor will blame Cole and Michael when he hears about this.

Now, I am not a professional writer by any stretch of the imagination. Perhaps this LLC plot twist is not as dumb and lazy as it appears. Sometimes one must work hard to suspend disbelief in order to enjoy a good face cracking. Way to stand firm on your principles, Eric. Does the show need two psycho stalkers at once? I mean, technically it would be three, but Sheila’s been quiet lately. There’s Steffy, monotonously repeating that Hope is gone, her line is cut and it’s NO for the future. Haha, fuck off. By the way, I’m not a businessperson either, so if someone could explain the term of art I heard in the previews? I believe it was “bitch.” Surely Steffy wasn’t using it in a personal way.

I, for one, was overwhelmed by the love at the wedding. There were so many kinds of love expressed that I’m sure all who attended will remember this day fondly. Now, as one who was unable to have children, I must trust that the best way to show your son unconditional love is to sell his business out from under him while simultaneously hiding your health problems from him. It’s not really love though, unless you sell that business to the bullying lich who has tormented your son for years. Excuse me, I need a moment. *sniffles* Sorry. We also witnessed the powerful love a son has for his mother, an affection nurtured by months of sabotage and disrespect until he fucked around one too many times and found out. To be fair, the son was abandoned as a youth. To be fairer, he possesses the kind of personality that begs people to shove him out the door of a slow rolling vehicle. Watching the lad hiss venom at his mum in front of his date’s parents brought a tear to my eye. Truly, can anything top the paternal adoration shown to the bride on her special day? First, the father of the bride remembered she existed. Then he took a jackhammer to the half of her family that has always recognized her. Right there, at her wedding. After admonishing others not to bring up unpleasant topics. That’s love, folks. The other brother of the bride and the designer of the dress not being there was special too, in a different way. But who can turn down scenes of Esther guzzling champagne?

Mariah was in Ian’s cult, wasn’t she? As for Phyllis, to meet her is to want to ruin her life. I am interested in finding out the mechanics of this outlandish plot. Have they been drugging Sharon? Did Crazy & Cult kill Heather to get the ball rolling? How did Victor, master of the universe, not know Jordan was running around sprout-free?

Finn is a broken man. He’s now referring to himself as Steffy’s husband. I think he needs a few intense sessions with a cult deprogrammer. Steffy is positively deranged. She loves to murmur that Hope is gone and her line is cut like it’s some kind of comforting mantra. Someone stands up for Hope? Hope must be influencing them with her magic mind control powers. Someone not showing the proper deference to her royal highness? They’ve changed in some nefarious way - it couldn’t possibly be that Steffy did something objectionable. When Finn told her he was such a good doggie at Deacon’s and Steffy gave him a big smile and a Milkbone, I almost threw up in my mouth a little. Their relationship is a series of disgusting loyalty tests with Steffy punishing or rewarding Her Husband accordingly. Ridge was so arrogant and high handed talking to Carter. Wow. Hey, uh, when was the last time Brad Bell saw a computer? If Steffy is using whatever the hell that was to run the company, she’s a shittier CEO than I imagined.

A Simple Recap - No thanks I am just having one of those days where the world deeply depresses me, so let’s summarize today’s episode thusly. Does something sucking and blowing at the same time constitute a paradox? Victor and Nikki can give each other geo-tag suppositories that direct them straight to hell. Everyone oohing and ahhhing over Victor’s refurbished mausoleum like it’s St. Peter’s Basilica is just so much bullshit. Abby and Devon are getting married. Enjoy sickening scenes of Victor pretending to remember which one Abby is and welcoming Devon into his coven. Jill inexplicably appears to sell out her son after he does everything she asks. Imagine handing over your great accomplishment to the gassy squid who is openly and gleefully seeking to destroy your child. Much like our dear friend boes, I find myself sympathizing with Billy. The shame is well nigh unbearable. A new master criminal is in GC, stealing Sharon’s phone (maybe?) in order to engineer a car accident between Phyllis and Sharon (possibly?). None of it makes a lick of sense. If it’s Daisy pulling the strings, please let it be a recast.

A Simple Recap - Exhausting Phyllis, like any narcissistic chaos agent, is exhausting. Being in her orbit must be like running a marathon in hundred degree heat while hecklers pelt you with oranges. Holy shit. Abby and Ashley share some pre-wedding schmaltz. Ho-hum. Nikki and Victoria continue to waste valuable oxygen on singing the praises of Victor the Raunch Reinventor. Victoria is still uncomfortable about her parents’ efforts to blow up Billy’s spot, which Nikki clearly doesn’t give a tinker’s damn about. Victoria must not care too much either, as she isn’t offering much more than a token protest. After all, her ass of a mommy deserves success, which apparently is defined as having an international conglomerate handed to you by your big money, low class husband. Lily and Devon make nice. Lily is feeling very agreeable today, accepting Devon’s wedding invitation and promising to behave. Billy be-bops in on his cricket legs and secures her agreement to return to Abbott Chancellor. Will it be enough to get his pancake butt out of a sling? Sharon searches Phyllis’ GCAC suite, but finds neither evidence nor the powerful anti-psychotics her accuser should be on. Cameron fails to warn her that Phyllis is headed her way, fresh off pooping on Nick’s and Lauren’s attempts to calm her down without a taser. Personally, they should go from zero to cattle prod at this point. Sharon says she’s hunting down any fabricated evidence Phyllis may have, and Phyllis calls Chance. I like to picture his expression when he sees Phyl’s number flash across his phone. Victor is still being his worst self with Jill, mocking her kid, smarmily patronizing her about her heart condition and then dropping the rich idiot bomb that he wants his unqualified wife to run Chancellor. Jill smartly points out that being Katherine’s friend doesn’t make Nikki fit to run the company. Victor offers her a king’s ransom for Chancellor, not mentioning that the sum is calculated in brussel’s sprouts. Jill says she’ll think about it, when the only decision she should be making is what language to tell Victor to fuck off in. Phyllis describes herself to Sharon as Sharon gets dizzy and blacks out. Chance is there when Sharon wakes up and he lets her leave once Phyllis relents on pressing charges for breaking and entering. Phyllis doesn’t want to “waste an arrest” as if there’s a quota or something. Chance threatens to vaccinate Phyllis for rabies. Sharon meets Nick and Mariah downstairs and admits to her misdeeds. Nick is exasperated, as Is Chance, who snaps that he should have arrested Sharon for forcing him to interact with Phyllis. Nick urges Sharon to vacation in Sedona, which Sharon agrees to if he can find it on a map. Victor calls Nikki and hints that he’s just about finagled her shiny toy out of Jill’s possession. Abby and Ashley enlarge their circle of schmaltz to include Devon, who gifts Ashley a locket fashioned from a piece of the titanium rod he has stuck up his backside.

Are you kidding? I’m positively elated to see him, especially now that he’s bringing bold, fresh ideas to the table like shitcanning Phyllis. We need that creativity. Glowing caveman Nick just wasn’t cutting it.