A Dangerous Son

[movingtargetgal]

I just watched this on HBO.  Has anyone else seen it?

[AgentRXS]

I tried to watch it but I couldn't finish it. My eye was twitching from the amount of disrespect emanating from the brown hair/brown eyed boy. It seemed like the mother let that child run roughshod over her, more than it being a mental health issue. I was done when he yanked her hair repeatedly while she was driving. That would not have been tolerated in my parents household, mental illness or no mental illness.

Edited May 9, 2018 by AgentRXS

[OldButHappy]

I found this to be a very powerful documentary...so much to unpack.  

My heart went out to all of the parents and children.  I think it's easy to be judgmental if you've never dealt with a loved one with mental illness. I was especially struck by the bravery of the woman blogger who wrote "I Am Adam's Mother" - it takes some serious cojones to subject yourself to intense internet hate in order to bring such an important issue to light.

[Caseysgirl]

I think the purpose of this documentary was to dispel the notion that this behavior is related to the deficiencies of the parents.  The parents of these children have  no doubt tried every imaginable method  of discipline as well as dealt with professionals to no avail. I felt for them and the idea that the end game is usually jail, death or continuous hospitalizations. It's literally a life sentence.

[movingtargetgal]

20 hours ago, OldButHappy said:

I was especially struck by the bravery of the woman blogger who wrote "I Am Adam's Mother" - it takes some serious cojones to subject yourself to intense internet hate in order to bring such an important issue to light.

I have a lot of respect for this mother.  It bothered me when she compared herself to Nancy Lanza.  This mother had tried her best to get her son mental health treatment and she did not arm her child with guns.  Nancy Lanza was in denial about how sick her son was.  She enabled him into not getting treatment.  He needed to be institutionalized.  Because of this Nancy Lanza's son became sicker and a danger to himself and others, yet she did nothing and she and her son became more and more isolated.   The one thing she did do was to make sure her severely deteriorating mentally ill son had access to assault weapons.  In my mind Nancy Lanza's actions led to the murder of 26 innocent people.  Her neglect of her son's mental illness was criminal.

[atlantaloves]

Yes, I just saw this folks.  This program broke my heart and the lady that wrote I am Adam's Mother is fantastic.  I still remember that article. What kills me is we still have no help for the mentally ill in this country, for anyone, (well maybe if you are a millionaire) but when it touches children it really makes me sick.  These parents and their other children who are normal are going to get themselves murdered.  These are very sick individuals. And yes, for some of them, they need to be removed from society.  That first little kid though, the way he acted towards his mother, man oh man, I wanted to slap him silly. So I see where you guys are coming from.  Let's face it, we need more beds for the mentally ill. 

[AgentRXS]

8 hours ago, Caseysgirl said:

I think the purpose of this documentary was to dispel the notion that this behavior is related to the deficiencies of the parents

Yeah, well they did a poor job with that first mother. I saw no corrective action being taken when he called her a "bitch" repeatedly, when he beat up on his sister, or started cussing up a storm over the radio. The mother seemed scared to discipline him whatsoever. I have a mentally ill mother so I'm pretty familiar with mood swings.

Its a fine line between declaring a child "mentally unstable with xxxx issues" and the child being an indulged brat. That first kid may have mental issues that are only being exasperated by his mother's lack of discipline.

[Caseysgirl]

I'm still giving Ethan's mother a pass on this. She was being filmed and probably felt (rightfully) that any punishment was going to be judged. She is not a professional and let's face it, when your driving down the highway it's a bit difficult to discipline.  I think that judging people's parenting skills is not the best way to get more help for the mentally ill.  

[iggysaurus]

I'm not sure exactly what Ethan's mom should've been doing to stop him from acting the way he was - yell at him? Obviously she'd tried that with no success. Hit him? Well, maybe some think that would be appropriate, but I doubt it would've been effective either, especially in the long term. Some people have this mentality of "In my day these kids would've just gotten a good smack and that would've straightened them out!" but it's really not that simple.  

As for Nancy Lanza, I'm not saying she was a good mother, and her allowing her mentally ill son to have access to firearms is certainly appalling. But as far as her not getting him help, this film clearly demonstrates that even when the parents try desperately to get help for their kids, there often is just no help available.  All the bureaucratic roadblocks, lack of beds available, etc.  It's easy to say what she "should have done," probably  not so easy to have actually done it.  Even if she'd gotten Adam into a facility like Ethan was in, they'd have just let him out after 6 months and he might've still gone on to shoot up the school, because 6 months isn't necessarily enough to solve deep mental issues, IMO.  

[movingtargetgal]

On 6/1/2018 at 3:24 PM, iggysaurus said:

As for Nancy Lanza, I'm not saying she was a good mother, and her allowing her mentally ill son to have access to firearms is certainly appalling. But as far as her not getting him help, this film clearly demonstrates that even when the parents try desperately to get help for their kids, there often is just no help available.  All the bureaucratic roadblocks, lack of beds available, etc.  It's easy to say what she "should have done," probably  not so easy to have actually done it.  Even if she'd gotten Adam into a facility like Ethan was in, they'd have just let him out after 6 months and he might've still gone on to shoot up the school, because 6 months isn't necessarily enough to solve deep mental issues, IMO.  

There is a big difference in Ethan's and Nancy Lanza's son's situations and that is money.  Ethan's mother was struggling financially and and his treatment depended on available state funding and resources.  Nancy Lanza had the financial means to get her son the best treatment available, instead she remained in denial.  Nancy Lanza isolated her son and ran interference between her son and mental health providers.  Lanza did not listen to her son's doctors and did not get him the help he needed when he was young.  By the time her son turned 18 it was too late.  Had she worked with mental health professionals they would have helped her to have her son declared incompetent and she could have obtained guardianship over him after he turned 18.  Once he turned 18 he had total control over both his and her life.  Nancy Lanza's neglect of her son's severe mental illness was criminal. There are plenty of resources out there if you have the money.  Nancy Lanza had the money but did nothing but enable her son.  Ethan's mother has limited resources and is taking advantage of the assistance that is available for him.  I have a great deal of sympathy for Ethan's mom.  As for Nancy Lanza.....

[SunnyBeBe]

I recently watched this for the first time and agree it was difficult. I know families who have children with mental illness issues and it's not an easy thing to handle.  I do realize that some behavior that the child exhibits is caused by the mental illness.  And that it's not the parent's fault.  I get it, however, it's the parents' job to learn the best ways to manage the behavior.  A parent who is providing care for a severely affected child would need to educate themselves on strategies, tools, and methods that provide the most conducive home environment for the child. As the expert said. It's not one thing, like a pill or therapy. It's a lot of things combined that help the child deal with the illness. To think she knew so much....I didn't get that at all. 

I was concerned with the home environment of Ethan and mother Stacy.  She seemed to banter with him on a child's level.  She allowed him to watch violent video games. Also, not helpful. There seemed to be no structure to his schedule or household, which is vital to keep him from escalating.  With his propensity to lose control,  he shouldn't be riding in the front seat of a car.  And, since she was not able to protect her daughter from physical abuse by brother, the daughter and brother should not be living together.  I cannot believe that sister was not removed from the home due to danger from the brother.  The girl was suffering from fear in that home.  It's not surprising that Ethan did better in a structured environment that had controls. Once, home, he didn't fare as well.  Then, the mother gets pregnant and is bringing another innocent child into the the setting! It boggles the mind and I hope the child survived. I wonder what has happened to them. How would it be safe for an infant in that home?

It seemed like the  older boy who's parents were divorced had concluded that they could not manage their son's care at home and that he would need to live elsewhere as he became an adult. 

It was frustrating seeing how the one boy who set fire to his apt building had a mix up and delayed getting him services.  His mom seemed very caring and asked for help, even telling them what kind of help he needed. 

I hope they are all doing better. I would like to see an update.