Big Little Quotes

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jane: I look at you and you're so beautiful.
Celeste: Oh, stop.
Madeline: That's true.
Jane: And I'm not saying that to embarrass you at all, but it is true. You are, and so are you.
Madeline: I agree.

Principal Nippal: Everybody knew that Nathan was a little bit of a dick, but a likable one.
Stu: Never liked him.

Renata: I just wanted to introduce you to Juliette. This is my Amabella's nanny.
Jane: Oh, hello.
Juliette: Nice to meet you.
Renata: She's French. It's good for them to learn a language. I just thought it was nice for the nannies to get to know each other, have your own little support system.
Madeline: Renata, Jane isn't a nanny. She is a mom. She's young - like you used to be.

Jackie: Not that there's a right little girl to strangle, but [Ziggy] picked the wrong little girl to strangle.

Harper: Jane just didn't fit here, kind of like a dirty old Prius parked outside of Barney's.

Dr. Chang: There was a 4x3 full thickness scalp laceration located on the superior occipital portion of the scalp. We also discovered a full thickness scalp contusion and associated subgaleal hemorrhages and a putrified and liquified brain.
Stu: So it was a lot of blood.

Madeline: To be accused of something so horrible on your very first day at a new school. Can you imagine anything worse?
Abigail: Being choked maybe.

Madeline: Do you know what [Bonnie] did today? She signed a petition to stop our production of Avenue Q.
Abigail: Is this the play where the puppets drop the F bomb?
Chloe: Cool.

Madeline: Now [Nathan]'s got Bonnie and she's younger and sexier and prettier. She probably gives mint flavored organic blow jobs.

Edited February 20, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Razzberry]

Nobody knows nothing about anybody. You can write that down.

What Madeline had was a nose for everyone else's business.

There should be a five year limit on how long couples get to be gooey.

Things never blow over once Madeline gets involved.  They blow up.

 

 I don't know the names yet, but all were from the police interviews.

[chocolatine]

Member of the Greek chorus: "With Madeline, the feces are never far from the fan."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Madeline: Don't yell at me! You know what? I'm a lady and I've never said this to anybody ever in my entire life, but I'm going to say it to you. You can go fuck yourself on the head!
Abigail: Right on the head?

Chloe: We're half sisters. My mom was married to her dad.

[car honks]
Madeline: Get laid, bitch!

Gordon: Perry and Celeste? Honestly, I'd sleep with either.

Chloe: Barbies aren't allowed. Sylvie Baker's gave Joey Parker Senior a boner.

Thea: Scratch the surface of Jimmy Stewart - Charlie Manson.

Madeline: What a cunt!
Renata: EXCUSE ME?!
Madeline: Why don't you GET FUCKED!

Madeline: It's not my love of Nathan that lingers after fifteen years. It's my resentment.

Madeline: Sweetheart, everyone around here just assumes I'm the root cause of everything. Don't worry.

Celeste: If I were you, I would just let it go. I would. With Bonnie and Abigail, I'd ride it out.
Madeline: No, I love my grudges. I tend to them like little pets.
Jane: I do the same thing. I'm not into forgiveness either.
Celeste: Never forgive, never forget.
Tom: That sure sounds like a motto to live by.

Tom: I guess Shakespeare got it wrong. The play's the thing unless it has puppets.

Madeline: I get sick and tired of the morally superior in this town stepping all over everybody else.

Madeline: You said you wanted to be brave with your artistic direction. That's all I'm asking - just be brave.
Joseph: You told me to go fuck myself on the head.

Bonnie: I don't think that my daughter would ever sanction a non-consensual touching. She's a very peaceful child.
[Madeline rolls her eyes]

Chloe: How can you not want to make up on this song? Come on.
Madeline: Make up, yes. Not make out, silly.
Chloe: That's what you guys do when you get mad at each other. Big hug, kiss, bang, everything's better again.

Renata: I do not feel supported here.
Gordon: I don't suppose I can argue with your feelings.

Madeline: Pickles and mustard?
Abigail: I'm not pregnant.
Madeline: You know, if that day ever comes, you know, the one you alluded to earlier-
Abigail: The day I decide to have sex?
Madeline: Yes, that one. Can we talk about it first?
Abigail: Sure.
Madeline: Because I actually think I could be helpful.
Abigail: Okay.
Madeline: I have a lot of girlfriends, as you know, and never has any one of them ever said to me, "Gee, if only I'd had sex sooner."
Abigail: This is awkward now.

Edited February 27, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Madeline: How much longer are we going to beat this dead horse?
Chloe: Wait, who beats horses?

Renata: I'll even get Snow White to sit on your husband's face. Maybe Dumbo can take a squat on yours.
Madeline: You are so sweet.

Samantha: Gordon Klein was kind of a fuckup. Rich, powerful, but DNA? Huge fuckup.

Ed: [Nathan] demanded I make your mother be nice to Bonnie, which I found ridiculous, truth be told.
Abigail: What part was ridiculous? The idea that my mom should be nice to Bonnie or that my father should care?

Harper: A lot of the dads were staring [at Bonnie's dancing]. I saw erections.

Abigail: What's wrong with mom?
Ed: Nothing. Why?
Abigail: She doesn't seem a bit agitated to you lately?
Ed: Honey, agitation is her preferred state.

Madeline: [Abigail] wouldn't leave if she knew I had cancer.
Ed: Well, you don't have cancer.
Madeline: But I'd be willing to get it.

Renata: It felt really nice to be desired today. It meant a lot. Thank you.
Gordon: Honey, I always desire you. Usually it just annoys you.
Renata: No, you want to have sex all the time. Today you desired me.

Stu: Renata had the whole sexy preying mantis bite your head off after sex thing going.

Celeste: I'm trying to decide if I'm happy or sad.
Perry: People usually know.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Madeline: "To discuss the transitional parenting paradigms"? To make sure we don't have any "glaring chasms"? Who talks like that, Nathan? Why don't you just say this is Bonnie's idea?
Nathan: Yeah, okay, it's Bonnie's idea. Personally I think the idea of us all getting along is ridiculous, but you know that's one of the things that really defines being a husband is your willingness to go along with your wife's fucked up ideas.

Madeline: Are you kidding me? It's fucking Bonnie. She probably just wants to show off and serve us organic quinoa with the kale she raised in her sustainable vertical garden, probably while she was meditating. So help me God, if she so much as teaches me to peel a potato, I'm going to go for her fucking throat.

Madeline: There was no way you could have known he was such a fucking sociopath.
Jane: Psychopath.
Madeline: Dickhead.
Jane: Asshole.
Madeline: Abominable pig.
Jane: I'd kill him if I could.
Madeline: Well, I wouldn't say that loudly in a public place.

Jackie: [Ziggy's] eyes are abnormally far apart.
Samantha: A sign of a sociopath.

Madeline: She said he was an architect but sometimes interior designers say they're architects.

Mayor: Look, I'm not looking to, like, chill artistic expression. I hear [Avenue Q] is a great play. That said, the puppets fuck. We can't have puppets fucking in Monterey.
Celeste: There is one scene and one scene only where two of the puppets simulate sex. There's no nudity.
Mayor: Naked puppets don't bother me. Fucking puppets, on the other hand - it's vulgar.

Celeste: To answer your question, Renata, "who are we?" I don't think we want to become synonymous with suppression and prior restraint. We're going to face accusations of being anti-American and anti-free speech. I would say there are bigger black eyes than putting on a controversial musical, especially ones that have won Tonys.
[cut to Madeline and Celeste in the car]
Madeline: Stick that up your tight ass, bitch!

Celeste: For six years, I've been wiping runny noses, organizing play dates, doing everything to be a good mom. Today I felt alive. I felt good. I feel so ashamed for saying this, but being a mother is not enough for me. It's just not. It's not even close.

Child psychologist: [Ziggy] also brought up his father, who he thinks might be Darth Vader.

[Razzberry]

Madeline & Celeste:

One minute we're talking, and the next he sticks his tongue down my throat.                                                                                                                                   This is assault, he assaulted you!

Mmm, well, I might have kissed him back.                                                                                                                                                                                               What??

It was like a reflex, someone kisses you, you kiss them back.  I may have grabbed his ass, I don't know.    It all happened so fast! And the next thing I know, he has his hand in my shirt.  Or was it my hand in his shirt?  It was a reflex!

                      So you're saying it was mutual.

No, he jumped me!  It's not funny, Celeste, I'm a married woman and he forced himself on me.  Okay, 'forced' may be the wrong word.

Edited March 15, 2017 by Razzberry

[Razzberry]

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Thea: People who say they have satisfying sex lives? Give me a fucking break.

Jackie: When I first meet a couple, I visualize them fornicating. I know that sounds crazy, but with Madeline and Ed I just couldn't see it.

Renata: You should be more upset.
Gordon: I'm very upset.
Renata: Oh, really? Because I don't see it, Gordon.
Gordon: Do not make this a referendum on my anger. That someone has been hurting [Amabella] for who knows how long, that we haven't even known about it, that we can't even stop it, and that she won't even talk to us about it - don't pull out a fucking scorecard to total up who's got the most anger.
Renata: You're the one that's getting mad at me? Instead of some little fucker who's jobbing on our kid?
Gordon: Will you just listen to me for one goddamn minute?
Renata: No, I will not listen. That's what I did last time because I said to you, "Something's wrong with Amabella." But you didn't want to hear it, huh? I said, "Let's take her to a child psychiatrist." But you had a better idea, didn't you?
Gordon: What?
Renata: Taking me into your office bathroom and fucking the shit out of me!
Gordon: Will you stop yelling at me goddamnit?

Madeline: What a fuck!
Chloe: Watch your mouth, woman!
Madeline: Why are you never playing your loud music when it's a good time?

Ed: Are you sure you should be snooping around on [Abigail's] page?
Madeline: I am her mother. It is my fucking duty to spy on her.

Twins: Teenagers are bad. Do we have to be teenagers?
Celeste: Yeah, I'm afraid you do.
Twins: I think I'm going to skip that

Principal: I understand Ziggy's father's not involved in his upbringing. Is that right?
Jane: The only thing I know about Ziggy's father is that he's keen on erotic asphyxiation and raping women.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Perry: Come to Phoenix with me. I know "come to Phoenix with me" isn't the most romantic thing you've ever heard.

Celeste: Look at what you're doing. You're the one who suddenly has to go away and I am the one who disappoints?

Nathan: I don't want to. Divorced people are not supposed to be friends or be civil and have dinner. You know it's okay for things to be ugly sometimes.

Thea: If they had any sense, they would have canceled trivia night right then and there.
Gabrielle: I'd actually planned on skipping trivia night until the eye gouging.

Madeline: A lot of parents are probably applauding you right now. There's more than one person in this town that wants to deck Renata Klein.

Jane: I still hope that whoever he is, he's a nice guy. Maybe that night was just a bad misunderstanding or a night gone wrong or he had a bad day or his parents got in a car crash. I make up these crazy excuses because I'm so desperate that Ziggy's father is actually a good person.

Celeste: I don't see why you're being such an alarmist.
Dr. Reisman: Because I'm alarmed.

Ed: Wow, kazowie!
Madeline: Did you just say "kazowie"?

Ziggy: Why can't I go to the play?
Jane: It's not really for kids.
Ziggy: I like puppets.
Jane: I know you do.
Ziggy: Is it because the puppets have sex?
Jane: Who told you that?
Ziggy: Chloe. She said the boy puppet puts his penis in the girl puppet.
Jane: Chloe said that?
Ziggy: Yeah. It's icky.

Ed: I just can't imagine the passion it would take to shatter a urethra in two places.
Madeline: You sound a little envious. Do you want me to smash yours?
Ed: Well, not smash.

Ed: Sometimes that's the essence of a happy marriage, isn't it? The ability to pretend.

Thea: In the days leading up to trivia night, it seemed like more and more people wanted to kill each other.
Samantha: It was hard to keep track.

Nathan: I'm going to show [Ed] who's evolved. I'm going to kick his cultural ass.
Bonnie: The whole point of this dinner is to try to reduce the friction that contributes to an unhealthy environment.
Nathan: Yeah, between Madeline and I, but friction between Ed and I is fine.

Nathan: I blame you for [Abby auctioning her virginity].
Bonnie: Me?
Nathan: You taught her to care about everything. You rubbed off on her.

Stu: I believe that women are chemically incapable of forgiveness.

Madeline: I'm not going to give you some long song and dance about how precious and sacred your beautiful body is, but it is not for sale, Abigail, not ever.

Edited March 27, 2017 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Perry: Celeste, get up. You're fine. You just got the wind knocked out of you.

Madeline: I would have told [Gordon] to go fuck himself, but I don't talk like that.

Jane: You're straight?
Tom: What?

Nathan: You ready for trivia night? You're coming, I presume.
Maddie: Yeah, I'll be the one dressed as Audrey Hepburn.

Nathan: Bonnie and I went to see a counselor today, one that specializes in teenagers, and I wanted to share something.
Madeline: Wait a second. You went to see a counselor.
Nathan: Yeah. He thinks that [Abigail's virginity auction] is a scream for attention. Divorce, it messes kids up pretty good.
Madeline: Oh, so splitting up can negatively affect the kids? I wish I'd known that before I walked out. Wait, did I?

Renata: If I get shot in the head tonight, half these moms are going to say, "She couldn't bother herself to duck? What? She couldn't get the nanny to stop the bullet?"

Renata: I hate everyone right now except Jane. How funny is that?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Madeline: It was a beautiful service, Warren.
Warren: Well, thank you, Madeline. I like to think of it more as an assembly. A service is for when someone dies, you know, like at a school fundraiser.

Madeline: Are you two fighting?
Nathan: Uh, no. Actually, I almost wish we were. [Bonnie]'s been acting like that for a while now.
Madeline: Acting like what?
Nathan: Shut down. Like withdrawn.
Madeline: Oh, you mean that you're not having sex.

Madeline: Do you sell weed? It smells like weed over here.

Mary Louise: You're very short.
Madeline: Excuse me?
Mary Louise: I don't mean it in a negative way. Maybe I do. I find little people to be untrustworthy.

Ed: Tori. Sorry, I didn't recognize you at first.
Tori: Yeah, I had my beasts done.
Ed: Oh.
Tori: Yeah, it's fabulous. I always felt a little self conscious.
Ed: About your breasts?
Tori: My nose. Now nobody notices it so much. Everybody notices these though.

Ed: Look, Nathan, I'm no expert on marriage or anything. I mean, something tells me if you're seeking out the husband of your ex-wife to, like, lead the communication charge with your new one.
Nathan: Why do you always have to be so snide?
Ed: I don't mean to be snide.
Nathan: No, you don't mean to be. It just comes natural. It's like you're a snide fuck. That's what you are. You're a snide fuck.

Madeline: I am beating myself up that I told Jane I liked her bangs.

Madeline: I know how to make any situation about me. This is not that. This is about you and your future, Abigail.

Madeline: Mary Louise, I realize that you're still grieving and that you've been through a tremendous amount of heartbreak, but I don't care for the way you spoke to me before. It was rude and I didn't deserve it.

Mary Louise: So who are we planning to kill?

Edited June 10, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Razzberry]

Jane "Are you glad he's dead?"

Celeste: "It's complicated."

Edited June 10, 2019 by Razzberry

[LBS]

On 6/10/2019 at 4:17 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Nathan: No, you don't mean to be. It just comes natural. It's like you're a snide fuck. That's what you are. You're a snide fuck.

My husband and I thought he said "You're a snide fox" which made us roar with laughter.  It makes more sense the other way but I think I'm going to keep "snide fox" in my insult box. 

[JakeyJokes]

On 6/10/2019 at 4:17 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Madeline: I know how to make any situation about me. This is not that. This is about you and your future, Abigail.

This was my favorite line of the episode. Madeline may be an exhausting narcissist, but at least she's self-aware!

[Razzberry]

Gordon:  You used to like that song.

Renata:  I used to like sitting on your face too, you think that'll ever happen again?

*******************************************

Madeline:  It was an emergency.   

Mary Louise: What kind of emergency? 

Madeline: The kind short people have?

*******************************************

Elizabeth: Nathan is a complete dolt.  When it comes to emotional or social intelligence...oh Bonnie, he's as dumb as a rock.  But I often wonder if that's why you married him.  

Edited June 17, 2019 by Razzberry

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Mary Louise: When I was very young, my family just moved and I was going to a brand new school so I was especially scared and my father gave me the best advice. He said, "Mary Louise, you just seek out the bully and make friends with her."
Madeline: Am I the bully in this scenario?
Mary Louise: On your awesome days, I suspect you are a godsend. But on your bad days, decidedly less so.

Corey: You know, one of the last socially acceptable bigotries is the one against weirdos.

Madeline: Do you need a Xanax?

Celeste: A family is meant to be open and honest.
Max: I don't think we're that kind of family.

Nathan: I decided to run.
Ed: For office?
Nathan: I swear to fucking God, man. No, I decided to take up running because Bonnie likes running. She's obsessed with it. I'm trying to embrace her interests.
Ed: So I'm off the hook for lunch then?
Nathan: You remember what you said to me last year about "give me a reason"? Should we just get this out of our system, man?
Ed: Okay, so you've asked me to have lunch with your wife and now you're challenging me to a fist fight. Do you have a preference if I can't squeeze in both?

Martin: Can't we have dinner like a normal family?
Elizabeth: We are having dinner like a normal family. Getting in each other's business - that's what families do.

[CountryGirl]

Loved Renata so much in this episode: I will NOT not be RICH!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Amanda: Why did you first husband leave you?
Maddie: Because he's an asshole.

Mr. Perkins: "Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive."
Ziggy: But Charlotte didn't say that. She said, "Some pig." She didn't say anythng about a tangled web.
Mr. Perkins: She certainly spun one. She made Wilbur out to be an outlier when in truth, he was kind of ordinary. So, Ziggy, does that make Charlotte a liar?
Ziggy: It makes a grownup. Lying to protect someone she loves - that's what grownups do.
Chloe: I think she was just rebranding Wilbur.

Renata: I would like my daughter transferred to Stanford.
Dr. Feldman: Because?
Renata: Because it's Stanford!

Corey: Do you know if it's wild or farmed?
Waitress: I believed it's farmed.
Corey: Land based or net pen?
Waitress: I'm sorry?
Corey: Were they raised on land-based facilities or net pens in the ocean?
Waitress: Well, um, it's a fish so I'm guessing the ocean.
Corey: Could you check?
Waitress: Sure.

Ziggy: Chloe said Amabella had a stroke.
Jane: She didn't have a stroke. She just had a panic attack. They're different. She's totally okay.
Ziggy: And Max thinks she got possessed by Satan.
Jane: You can tell Max that he's wrong because Satan can only be so many places at once.

Principal: You are not the only parent complaining, just by far the loudest.

Principal: I told you these second grade mothers, they are Shakespearean. That woman, she's the fucking Medusa of Monterey.

[JakeyJokes]

Renata: I will be rich again and i will buy a fucking polar bear for every kid in this school!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Celeste: You can't leave [the carving knife in your jack o lantern]. 
Chloe: Some gang member could steal it and use it to stab a person in the heart..
Bonnie: Chloe, there are no gangs in Monterey.

Renata: I have to go to bankruptcy court that morning.
Madeline: What? On a Saturday?
Renata: Well, we worked it out. It's better that we don't have to sit around those penniless losers - as though that's not us.
Jane: Jesus, I don't know how you're still with him. I mean, I know he's your husband but...fuck.
Renata: I know. We stay.
Jane: You don't have to.
Renata: But we do. They betray us and we stay. They lie, they cheat on us, and we stay.

Lawyer: It's not like a scarlet letter. People file for bankruptcy all the time. Some even go on to become president.

Judge: Do you stand to inherit?
Renata: I'm self made.

Renata: Get on that!
Bonnie: He's so cute!
Jane: You guys have to be cool.
Renata: I'm never cool, but I will try my best. For you, I will try to be cool for the first time in my life.

Mary Louise: I so wanted to bring the boys to church but Max was adamantly opposed. He thinks that God is a douchebag. His language, not mine.

Edited July 1, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Nathan: Why do you have to be such a fuck?
Ed: Well, I don't have to be. I choose to be. See, not everybody gets along, Nathan. Can't we just be comfortable not liking each other?

Ed: Is this going to be like wife swapping?
Madeline: No! This is a healing institute, not a swingers' convention.

Renata: You're an attorney yourself and we gotta just say it - lawyers fuck things up often.

Madeline: If I fuck up again, it will not be with infidelity. I give you my word. All my future mistakes will be brand new ones.

Martin: What the hell is that?
Bonnie: Singing for sleep apnea. Stanford sleep clinic - they diagnose everyone. The class is a cash cow.

Bonnie: Look at you getting involved. Wow.
Martin: You don't think I got involved? That I didn't protect you?
Bonnie: No, dad, I don't.
Martin: If you only goddamn knew.
Bonnie: I do goddamn know. I was there. Did you diffuse things? Sure. Did you stop shit from getting worse? Sometimes. But did you protect me?

Martin: I was protecting you, or so I thought, the best way I could by keeping the peace. I know how weak I must seem to you but I was just trying to what ever I could to make the rage go away - for you. And for me. And for her.

Amabella: It's because we're broke isn't it? And we have to move.
Renata: Sweetie, everything isn't about money. Well, it is but it isn't.
 

Edited July 8, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ed: I have no intention of doing anything, okay? All right, part of me does want to do something, but I've already done it just by entertaining the idea even for a few minutes, I've done it.
Tori: Look, let me tell you what my shrink told me. It's not about inflicting payback on your cheating spouse. It's about getting a sense that you didn't just take it. You didn't just swallow your pride and resign yourself to being some wimpy ass victim.
Ed: But you are looking for payback.
Tori: True. I'd like both Joseph and Madeline to pay. But I'm also attracted to you. I keep both a masturbation diary and a bucket list.
Ed: Lower your -
Tori: You made both. It's not just about me getting even. It's about me getting you. I want you. Don't overthink it. We have sex. We'll probably love it. If we don't, we move on. Of course, if we do love it, we do it again. And again.
Ed: Jesus.

Madeline: I just hope I can convince you that I'm incapable of doing something that I already did.

Bonnie: I have to confess something that I'm not so proud of. And as I was writing, I realized I needed to confess to you first. So, here it goes. I resent you for the childhood I had. I resent you for your impatience, for being scared of doing my homework without being yelled at, for all the kitchen cabinet doors you slammed, for slapping me, for all the bruises. I resent you for not feeling safe at home. I resent you for being ashamed of me. I resent you for all the sex I started to have when I was 13 to prove to myself that I could be loved. I resent you for my wanting to beat the shit out of everyone. I resent you for making me feel so fucking worthless that I settled for a man that I don't... But mainly I resent you for killing a man. I killed Celeste's husband, and he didn't slip. I pushed him. I snapped, and when I lunged at him, I was pushing you. And that push was a long time coming. And I want to forgive you.

Gordon: I still love you. You know that, right?
Renata: Shut the fuck up for the rest of your fucked-up fucking life. Do you hear me? I don't want to hear one fucking word from your fucked up little fucking twerp mouth on why you fucked up, no matter what fucked up excuse you come up with. You fucking fuck shit! The fucking nanny?!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Renata: Double Americano.
Coffee guy: Would you like me to leave room for milk?
Renata: Americanos don't have milk.
Coffee guy: Some people like milk in their Americano.
Renata: It's espresso and hot water. Do I need to come back there and back it myself?

Mary Louise: How are we today?
Renata: How are we? We are wrought.

Renata: Don't go there, judgey judger!

Max: Did court go good? Were you a superhero?
Celeste: I was like Wonder Woman and the Incredible Hulk combined.

[Chaos Theory]

Celeste:  “You lost your boys.  You don’t get to take mine.”