I Once Took A Donkey And Some Honeycomb Into... : Jokes!

[ennui]

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[Mindthinkr]

@SirOsisOfLiver That was too funny and I needed a laugh. Thank you! 

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Petunia13]

On 8/3/2017 at 7:30 AM, Qoass said:

Me too!

Me three ?

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Mindthinkr]

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[ennui]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NHL 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
— Desperate

Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.1 and Lingerie 5.3.
— Tech Support

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her
Cuddle her
Kiss her
Caress her
Love her
Stroke her
Tease her
Comfort her
Protect her
Hug her
Hold her
Spend money on her
Dine her
Buy things for her
Listen to her
Care for her
Stand by her
Support her
Go to the ends of the earth for her

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked
Bring beer

[ennui]

4 hours ago, SirOsisOfLiver said:

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

And if you're really motivated, make a sandwich for him.  

[Mindthinkr]

[ennui]

I was reading this article the other day, and it said, "The perfect way to spice up your love life is to make love in a car wash." Let me tell you guys from experience -- no, it is not. But it is the perfect way to ruin a church fundraiser.

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Mindthinkr]

2 hours ago, SirOsisOfLiver said:

This is so right! 

Yes, I know it's ok to think that but never to act on it. 

Edited August 10, 2017 by Mindthinkr
Added a comment.

[ennui]

I actually saw a sign in a business that said "No Pissy Attitudes."

[SirOsisOfLiver]

Signs That You're Aging

Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he's using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you're not amused, you stab him.
You have to write Post-It notes with your kids' names on them.
You change your underwear after every sneeze.
You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fibre today.
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[ennui]

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks kind of strange. So she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What’s up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this is not our child."
Husband: "Well you don’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here."

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Mindthinkr]

[riley702]

What the hell IS that thing? CREE-PY!!!

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Mindthinkr]

Oh I just loved that! Many hearts for that one SirOsis! 

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Mindthinkr]

[ennui]

 I never realized how funny I was until I started talking to myself.

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Quof]

Why do women watch porn all the way to the end??? 

 

Spoiler

To see if they get married.

[Mindthinkr]

[ennui]

[Mindthinkr]

[ennui]

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"

[Mindthinkr]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[SirOsisOfLiver]

The Rules For Women

• Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
• Shopping is not fascinating.
• If you really want to meet a good man, stop dating good-looking jerks.
• The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick.
• Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble, should be met with the same degree of praise as an infant who walks for the first time.
• Those male models with the perfect bodies?  They're all gay.
• Yes, he heard you the first time.
• You can ask men out.  Let's spread the rejection around a little bit.
• Of course! he wants another beer.
• "Fine" is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
• He was NOT looking at that other girl.
• Well, okay, maybe a little.
• Okay, so what?  He looked at her.  Big deal!  Like you've never looked at another man?
• When he asks for a threesome with you and your best girlfriend, he's only joking.
• Unless the answer is "yes".
• In which case, can he videotape it?

[ennui]

1. How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

2. What do you call it when you fall in love on Aug. 21, 2017?

A total eclipse of the heart.

3. What do you call the moon's online content?

E-clips.

4. What does a blogger from 2010 call a full link roundup about solar events?

Total e-clips.

5. What day is the eclipse happening?

Not sure. Either Sunday or Moonday.

6. Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?

It’s a little meteor.

7. Why is Aug. 21 the best day to freak out a time traveler from the Middle Ages?

Well, there's a coast-to-coast total solar eclipse but also, like, a car would scare them, so whatever.

8. Why didn't the sun go to college?

Because it already had a million degrees.

9. What do you call road-tripping to the eclipse?

Going where the sun don't shine.

10. Why did the Earth break up with the moon and make a solo album on Aug. 21?

It couldn't stand being in its shadow.

11. What do a solar eclipse over the US and an adult anime fan who lives with his mom have in common?

They both waited 38 years to go all the way.

12. What did the moon bring to the beach on Aug. 21?

Sunblock.

[SirOsisOfLiver]

[Mindthinkr]

[ennui]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that’s the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"