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Gloria Carlyle: Mr. Mayor, I was under the impression you communists didn't care for such opulence.


Gloria: Your reviews are pedantic, unoriginal lacking in insight or clarity. Fortunately you're a critic and completely unimportant.


Chambers: Mrs. Carlyle, I hope you're well.
Gloria: I'm 91 years old. I'm never well. Explain to me again, Director Chambers, why you haven't finished the renovation of my gallery.
Chambers: The gallery is my top priority.
Gloria: Disappoint me again and you'll be curating finger painting exhibitions for preschoolers.


Lucas: I'm really excited to be your onsite lead for this. Would you like to hear my initial report?
Jo: Yeah, okay. Let's have it.
Lucas: Well, to begin with, she's dead.


Abe: You look terrible.
Henry: Even an immortal needs a solid six hours.

  • Love 3
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Henry: What are you doing?

Jo: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm eating.

Henry: Putting food in your mouth and eating are two different things. That smells nauseating.

Jo: Henry, you're around dead bodies all day and you can't handle the smell of a gyro?

Henry: You know what they put in those?

Jo: Nope! Don't care.

  • Love 7
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Lucas: Wish you had a phone!


Jo: Did you ever think of becoming a real doctor?

Henry: Actually, I AM a real doctor. I'm trying not to be offended on behalf of the brotherhood of medical examiners the world over.


Abe: My famous Thai jungle curry. It cures colds and bullet wounds.

  • Love 2
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Henry: I'm just not a fan of this new popular music, so pardon me if I'm not going to put my thing down, flip it, and reverse it.

Abe: Wrong genre. That's rap. This is jazz.

Henry: It's all the same to me. Where's the melody? The harmony? The structure? What you young people are listening to these days is not music. It's just noise.

Abe: What's that? You want it louder?


Henry: A cufflink, perfectly preserved.

Jo: D.B.

Lucas: David Bowie, Daniel Boone, D.B. Cooper, Doobie Brothers.

  • Love 3
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Abe: [The suit] doesn't make me look like a bit of a dandy?

Henry: You use that word like it's a bad thing.


Henry: How does a bike messenger from Shawnee, Oklahoma, learn a lifetime of culture and refinement in a matter of months?

Jo: The internet?


Henry: Abraham, you're breaking an unwritten law so old they didn't have to write it down.


Lucas: I was wondering if I could play the killer this time. I feel like I always play the victim.

Henry: It's much easier for me to get into character murdering you.

  • Love 4
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Cop #1: Is that guy naked?

Cop #2: Yup. Call it in.


Henry: I'm a somnambulist.

Joanna: A sleepwalker.

Henry: That's right.

Joanna: I've pulled your file. This is not the first time.

Henry: Well it's a very serious condition. Sometimes I walk for blocks and still wind up in the water. It's terribly inconvenient.

Joanna: And what were you doing naked?

Henry: Cause I sleep naked.

Joanna: Please invest in some pajamas.


Abe: I have a lot of faith - in you, in me, and the Yankees.


Henry: One quick dip [in the water] and it's out.

Abe: No, no, no. Please don't do this, don't do this! Come on, it's very cold out.

Henry: It's like a summer's day in England.

Abe: I can see your breath!


Joanna: Two arrests for indecent expore in less than 48 hours. What am I supposed to do with you?


Lucas: This body is super creeping me out.

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Lucas: You miss him as much as I do? The accent, the scarf, the joie de death?


Jo: Do you have any idea why Jason would have $100K in cash hidden in the flooboards of his apartment?

Billy Baldwin: Hookers, blow, gas money - who knows? 100 seems a bit light though. I always keep at least $3 million stashed away somewhere special in case I need to get out of town in a hurry.


Jo: Looks like you made a mistake. This [elevator] is going up, not down.

Billy Baldwin: No mistake. My helicopter lands on the roof. I don't go down.

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...Jo: Looks like you made a mistake. This [elevator] is going up, not down.

Billy Baldwin: No mistake. My helicopter lands on the roof. I don't go down.

I loved that line even more so when, at the end, he took the elevator down to the underground parking instead of to the roof for the helicopter. He was going down! Heh.
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Jo: I stopped at my local bakery for some coffee. I feel bad for saying this but it's kind of nice when a crime scene happens near my house.

Mike: This your neighborhood? Pretty nice. Washington Heights isn't what I pictured for you.

Jo: And what exactly did you picture?

Mike, Uh, less nice.


Priest: I'm Catholic. We believe even when we know we're wrong.


Lucas: So the CSI guys found this mask in a garbage can a few blocks away from the jewelry store. Can you imagine that job, just sifting through trash all day?

Henry: Lucas, you deposit internal organs in formaldehyde.

Lucas: Yeah, but I'm used to death. It's the unknown stenches of life that freak me out like old diapers or left over Indian food. Blech.

Henry: Lucas, smell this.

Lucas: Oh. It's actually nice. What is that? Pancakes?


Jo: What is it you came up here for?

Henry: I was wondering if you could smell some perspiration for me.

Jo: Henry, you always know just what to say.


Lucas: [Mike]'s out of surgery. He's going to be fine. Flesh wound.

Henry: That's a terribly vague description, flesh wound. I mean, every wound is a flesh wound.


Abe: I got one word to describe these stones: meh.

Henry: Meh? But the police were told these diamonds were top of the line.
Abe: Well, in New Jersey, sure, but that clarity and that color? An S12 at best.


Lucas: Holly bushes! Per your notes, there was a droop of ilex polypyrene on Aaron's pant leg, right? That's a holly berry.

Henry: Yes, you're right. Our victim was here.

Lucas: Really? You're certain?

Henry: Oh, very certain.

Lucas: Yes, I knew it! I've been working on my observation skills, you know, just learning to see all the details all around me and I set my scan on red and ding! There it was, just red right in front of me. Just riding on instinct at this point.

[Henry walks up the steps and stands in front of the door]

Lucas: Oh, a red door.

Henry: Well, keep up the good work.

Lucas: I was going to mention that next.


Lucas: We are here for a very legitimate non creepy reason that Henry will now explain.


Henry: Lucas, will you please remove the bandage?

[Lucas rips off the bandage]

Mike: OW!

Lucas: Sorry, I'm not used to working with the living.


Mike: Lucas, take your hand out from underneath. You look like ridiculous.

Lucas: I believe Mr. Magnum, PI, would disagree.


Mike: What are you doing here?

Jo: I'm here to finish the Aaron Brown case.

Mike: Have you looked in the mirror?

Jo: Have you?


Abe: Then I remembered, there was this Asian kid, all tatted up with a low hat and a backpack. Came in here twice.

Henry: Whoa, whoa whoa. You're profiling this young man, Abraham, you realize that.

Abe: Yeah, well, why would he be wearing a backpack?

Henry: To carry books, his lunch, anything.

Abe: What about the hat?

Henry: What if it was a bit chilly out? Abraham, listen to yourself! You're making assumptions, not observations.

Abe: When it comes to police matters, I go with my gut. It's never steered me wrong before.

Henry: When has it steered you right?


Abe: I called the cops. They're on their way.

Asian non-thief: I'm not stealing this.

Abe: Oh yeah? Then what are you doing with it? Where's my horse?

ANT: This vase belongs over there with the other sixteenth century Parisian wares, not with this nineteenth century American crap. And the horse? FAKE. It was unbearable. I stuck it in there.



Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Abe: Luckily we're only responsible for our own sins in this world. Can you imagine if I tried to carry around your two hundred years of crazinesss?

Henry: Abe, you have been blessed with many gifts, one of which is having a sin-free father.


Mike: If this Max Brenner guy's been dead since the 90s, how'd he break into an apartment and kill Karl Haas?

Henry: Well, it's quite simple actually.

Lucas: Max Brenner is a zombie Nazi hunter!


Mike: That's digusting. What the hell is all this crap?
Sam: It's called art.

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Anthony: That is so typical of you. Take, take, take. Toys, Halloween candy, my prom date.

Jo: Okay, enough with the sibling rivalry. We are trying to track down a murder suspect. Are you going to let us in or not?

Anthony: On two conditions. First off, I got a few parking tickets from you fine folks at the NYPD. I'd like to see those dismissed.

Jo: And your other condition?

Anthony: He's gotta apologize.

Mike: For what?!

Anthony: Take your pick.

Mike: I'm sorry I slept with your prom date.

Anthony: Was that so hard?

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Abe: I don't need a family tree to tell me who my real pops is.


Jo: No sign of foul play.

Lucas: Other than pigeons pooping all over him. Flying rats!

Henry: How can you be so certain?

Mike: I'm no expert, doc, but I'm pretty sure it was the lung cancer that got him.


Abe: What if I turn out to be related to someone really famous, you know, like Charlamagne or Napoleon or George Washington?

Henry: I don't believe any of those gentlemen are Jewish. Sorry.

Abe: Alright, what about Albert Einstein? Or Karl Marx? Or Groucho Marx?


Henry: Kings aren't murdered. They're assassinated.


Jo: As long as we are in this consulate we are guests on foreign soil, making this my first time out of the country.

Henry: You should get your passport stamped.

Jo: Not all of us can go to the real Urkesh. When were you there?

Henry: On my honeymoon.

Jo: With Abigail?

Henry: Yes.

Jo: That's a great story, Henry.


Restaurant owner: If I knew he was heir to the throne of Urkesh, you think I would have poisoned him like a woman?

Mike: No need to get sexist, pal.


Lucas: So what are we looking for her? Lipstick on the collar? Hickey on the neck?

Henry: Swab his pudendum to see if we can recover the mistress's DNA.

Lucas: Dude. I mean, he's seventy years old. You don't think he's actually having sex-sex?


Gilded Cage hostess: Yeah, I recognize him.

Jo: You sure?

Hostess: Sure I'm sure. Old people tend to stand out around here. No offense.


Abe: Do you think I could pull off a kilt? I have the legs for it.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Lucas: "That stamp right there is from the Gilded Cage. Hot new club down in Meatpacking District. Bouncer wouldn't let me in last weekend, but guess who's rollin' up with a search warrant? Booyah."


Jo: "Henry, how would you like to go clubbing?"


Lucas: "I just said 'Booyah.' Oh, you're talking to Henry. Got it."

Edited by Surrealist
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Mike: What morning's complete without a hundred yard hike through garbage to a dead body?

Jo: You picked up. When I pick up, the crime scene is a fountain or a museum, someplace nice. When you pick up, it's a crack den or a tunnel.

Mike: What? I got bad crime scene karma?


Mike: Maybe they're finally remaking Saturday Night Fever. I ever tell you that was my first R rated movie?

Jo: It's come up.

Mike: They used to say my hair and Travolta's was identical. Thick, jet black, the perfect sheen. I tell you about this too?

Jo: It has come up.


Lucas: I love fondue! You can go savory with cheese or sweet with chocolate, but the best part - it's social and therefore a petri dish for communicable diseases.


Henry: That's amazing.

Jo: What's amazing.

Henry: Her hair. It smells of-

Mike: Garbage?


Lucas: You're sure they only gave us one hazmat suit?


Molly: You can talk about murder on our date!


Molly: You tell me how wonderful my cooking smells.

Henry: Is that the smell of molten cheese bubbling over a chemical flame? Mmmm, fondue. My favorite!


Molly: Drinks and a trip to the morgue? This is the best date I've had in years.

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Henry: Hacktivitists?

Abe: You know, sometimes I forget I'm dealing with a man who was born before they invented the steam engine.


Mike: So hypothetically can you guys work it so I can get the full NFL package without paying for all the other stuff?

Irene: Detective, I have a master's in computer science from MIT.

Mike: So that's a yes?

Irene: That means I'm not the cable guy.


Keith: We traced the command payload to Shaw's thermostat IP through a randomized botnet path which we backtraced and confirmed.

Henry: We gassed ourselves, shaved a corpse, and determined whoever killed Shaw did it by hand in his apartment.

Keith: You shaved a corpse?


Irene: The gross stuff grosses me out.

Lucas: Well, it's not that gross. The smell is what really gets to you.


Mike: Vandalism, B&E. Check out why she got kicked out of Cal Tech.

Jo: Posted names and addresses of guys who visited kiddie porn sites.

Mike: I kinda like this chick.


Liz: You're the slowest typer ever.

Henry: Typist.

Liz: Whatever.


Henry: I'm sorry, Lucas. There's no way you could have known [irene] was a killer.

Lucas: But what if it was the evil I was attracted to?


Jo: Lucas, do you mind giving us a second?

Lucas: Oh, I can just shut off my ears. It's a skill that I have.


Henry: Guam was a refresher program. I found a degree from Oxford a tad ostentatious.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Keith: We traced the command payload to Shaw's thermostat IP through a randomized botnet path which we backtraced and confirmed.

Henry: We gassed ourselves, shaved a corpse, and determined whoever killed Shaw did it by hand in his apartment.

Keith: You shaved a corpse?

As my Advanced Composition instructor would say, this is "witty, elegant prose." This episode is the first with John Enbom credited for writing. He wrote for Veronica Mars, which I never watched. Hmmm. Maybe I should.
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Henry: We found these remains in our victim's warehouse last night. They were from a two hundred year old shipwreck. Let's find out what happened to him.

Lucas: Two hundred years old? Guess there aren't any AYE witnesses. Okay, I'm done.


Henry: You read my magazines?

Lucas: Sometimes.


Lucas: You know the flintlock pistol took over a minute to reload and its accuracy was only fifteen feet - kind of a lame gun, honestly. I mean how much of a tool would you have to be to get shot by that? You could just duck down or jog away at a moderate rate.


Isaac: Did you find the place okay?

Jo: I did, yeah. You sent your limo so that made it easy.


Henry: In my opinion, that is not sex.


Jo: What?

Henry: You brought your gun on a date?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Lucas: Perfect 102 degrees. You know, I don't mean to brag here but I do draw a pretty exceptional bath. A little lavender, a little essential oils, spark one up, and get weird with my damn self.


Joanna: I want you to take your time and-

Mike: Be thorough?

Joanna: I was going to say, "Bring Henry." Same thing.


Lucas: May 1981. I was but a glint in my parents' eyes. A somewhat regretful glint though after a night of jello shots and shrooms.


Farrell: You with the DEA? You think I'm dealing?

Henry: No, I'm with the medical examiner's office. I think you killed someone.

Farrell: Much better.


Lucas: So this is the plan? Dance?


Abe: After a couple centuries of collecting crap, you're one broken clock away from being a hoarder.

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Abe: After a couple centuries of collecting crap, you're one broken clock away from being a hoarder.

That is a great line.

If my daughter had not just let us get rid of about 20 bags and boxes of her stuff recently I would've changed "centuries" to "decades" and used it on her.

Lucas [when Henry got literally thrown out of the club the second time]: Don't hurt him!

It was in the delivery.

Edited by shapeshifter
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Lucas: Got the final lab results on Eva's foot. One surprising thing was the-

Henry: Azathioprine.

Lucas: Nailed it. Big surprise. It was in her blood. It's a powerful-

Henry: Anti-arthritic.

Lucas: Yeah, you're doing that thing where you-

Henry: Finish your sentences? Yes.

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Henry: I'll drive.

Abe: I'm not letting you get anywhere near my car. Sorry, dad, but I'm mortal.


Lucas: Look, just because I'm now Henry's best friend doesn't mean I know everything.


Abigail: What is that odor? It smells of warm garbage.

Henry: That's New York. You'll get used to it.


Lucas: I got some hot merch that needs unloading.

Abe: Whoa, whoa, we do not deal in stolen antiques...but whattya got?

Lucas: I dug up some dirt.

Henry: On whom? Judge Graves?

Lucas: No, like real dirt.

Henry: You mean incontrovertible evidence?

Lucas: No, dirt dirt.

[Lucas shows them a box full of dirt]

Abe: What the hell?
Lucas: It's the soil from Belinda Smoot's grave! It's like a virtual treasure trove of clues!


Lucas: Whoa, you have your own lair!


Henry: I shouldn't have assaulted a federal judge without consulting you first.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Mike: What the hell's around your neck?

Lucas: It's a cravat.
Mike: It's a hanky.


Lucas: I have a theory! I have a theory! The victim fell from the bridge. The killer pushed her and then fled-

Mike: Check out these footprints. Pretty deep in there.

Lucas: I have a revised theory! The killer pushed the victim and then leapt, sort of ninja style, landing thusly. You guys should be writing this down.


Abe: [Abigail] found two lost souls and turned us into a family.


Abigail: Why did I fall for a brilliant man? Plenty of dumb men out there.


Reece: Take Henry.

Mike: Henry? I'm practically an expert.

Reece: I'd prefer a real one.

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