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Zoey's Extraordinary Quotes

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Zoey: Do you always have to play and sing your music quite that loud?
Mo: Well, how else am I supposed to listen to Wham!? Their songs demand a certain level of participation and volume.

MRI tech's playlist: Awesome MRI Mix: Music to Soothe

Max: Look at him. I don't think I've ever been as happy as that guy is at 9:30 in the morning on a Tuesday.

Zoey: What are you leaning towards?
Simon: Tough call. Middle of the day. Do I get a sugar cereal that'll make me crash hard or something super healthy that I'll totally hate?
Zoey: These are the struggles. My dad's a huge fan - well, was a huge fan of granola. I think I'm going to go that route. It's kinda the best of both worlds scenario.

Zoey: If you had the power to know what was going on in other people's heads, do you think you'd feel guilty?
Max: No, I think I'd just get my feelings hurt a lot more often.

Liam: Hey, congrats on the promotion. That is awesome. 
Tobin: Yeah, congrats. Now I have two female bosses. It's like I'm working at Goop.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Mo: So exactly what is the look we're going for in here? Third grade science fair? Corporate housing? Or "she was quiet and kept to herself"?

Zoey: Believe it or not, I didn't really play any sports growing up.
Simon: I'm not surprised by that information.

Mo: These are the best noise canceling headphones in the entire world. I wear them to sleep, when I'm DJing at the club, every time an Uber driver says, "How's your day going?"

Mo: Unbelievable. All I see is a bunch of mostly white people drinking overpriced coffee while you get a whole show. What song is it?
Zoey: Uh, I think it's Whitney Houston.
Mo: You think? This power is wasted on you.

Zoey: Thank you for getting those. I just wasn't in the mood for another over the top song and dance number by lonely overcaffeinated peple again.
Mo: Having to witness amazing private concerts throughout the day must be incredibly tedious. My heart breaks for you.

Tobin: I haven't felt this kind of stress since I got into both MIT and Harvard. "What are you going to do, Tobin? What are you going to do?" Hack into the CIA and go to prison for three years instead.

Joan: Swag is for the interns. It keeps them happy so we don't have to pay them.

Simon: Find another way to let [your team] know that you care about them.
Zoey: But what if I don't?

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Max: I haven't breathed outside air in over 48 hours.

Zoey: My boss had to go and sing to me.
Mo: Was it 9 to 5? Because Dolly Parton is my spirit animal.
Zoey: It was actually Satisfaction which makes no sense because we've been working non-stop recently. How could Joan possibly not be satisfied?
Mo: Maybe she was singing about something besides work. There are lots of reasons why people are unsatisfied, Zoey. 80% of it's sex related.
Zoey: Do you just make these statistics up?

Mo: I say this with the love and respect that our three week friendship demands.

Emily: I was just looking for some pop tarts but then I realized that you're not stoned college kids so I'm just going to take down this loaf of bread instead.

Joan: We're out of Crunch Berries AGAIN?

Tobin: You could do anything in Better World. I lost my virginity in there.
Leif: Still counts.
Max: Does it though?

Zoey: I just wanted to do a quick check in and make sure you're happy with our performance. You seem just a little bit more frustrated than normal so I was wondering if you felt that from us you were getting no satisfaction.
Joan: First of all, that's terrible grammar.

Zoey: I know I'm just a colleague.
Joan: Subordinate.
Zoey: But I have always found it helpful to vent when I'm feeling dissatisfied.
Joan: I don't vent. I scream into a pillow.

Maggie: Doesn't [Joan] have any other female friends at work?
Zoey: There are no other females at work.

Susan: Rick and I just got back from Santa Cruz and we found this cute little salt water taffy shop and we thought Mitch would love some.
Maggie: That is so sweet of you, Susan. Thank you.
Zoey: Of course, my dad can barely swallow and might choke on it, but maybe I can try one and describe it to him.
Maggie: She day drank.
Zoey: I did.

David: This is all based on a hunch? As a public defender, do you know how many lives I've seen ruined by a hunch?

Joan: I'm going to take you with me to a women in tech thing next month. It's in Daytona, a place that's basically an STD with palm trees.

Joan: You dress like a docent at a folk art museum.

Tobin: Quick question. If you lose your virginity in Better World-
Charlie: Doesn't count.

Zoey: You're not gonna say anything about this place?
Mo: Honey, I snuck onto Elton John's yacht. This is literally nothing.

Joan: I said dramatic lighting, not interrogation room.

Joan: I had to beg him to come back. I had to apologize to him even though he's the one who threatened to leave. And it's not the first time he's bailed on me like that. And yet somehow, for some reason, I keep working on it cause the idea of losing Charlie feels worse than this - whatever this is.

Zoey: What did you do to your hair? I can't tell if I love it or I hate it.
Autumn: Max let me put a little natural product in there. It's a combination of hemp seed and CBD oil.
Max: Yeah, not only does it give your hair body, it also makes you just a little bit high.

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On 2/24/2020 at 6:54 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Tobin: Quick question. If you lose your virginity in Better World-
Charlie: Doesn't count

“Better World” = “Second Life,” right?

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On 2/24/2020 at 7:54 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Zoey: My boss had to go and sing to me.
Mo: Was it 9 to 5? Because Dolly Parton is my spirit animal.
Zoey: It was actually Satisfaction which makes no sense because we've been working non-stop recently. How could Joan possibly not be satisfied?
Mo: Maybe she was singing about something besides work. There are lots of reasons why people are unsatisfied, Zoey. 80% of it's sex related.
Zoey: Do you just make these statistics up?

You left out my favourite part:

Mo: 35% of the time.

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Mo: The first week here, you said, "Ma'am, will you help me hang my shower drapes?" I don't know which to be offended by more - you calling me ma'am or you calling them shower drapes.
Zoey: What would you call them?
Mo: Curtains, Zoey. They're curtains.

Mo: All I see is a single lady texting an engaged man before 9am.
Zoey: This is just innocent fun.
Mo: Said no innocent person ever.
Zoey: I can see your side eye.
Mo: Good.

Mo: I can't imagine hiding myself from the world. I'm a leo, baby - brave, bold, beautiful!
Zoey: And I'm...whatever a capricorn is.

Mo: If I'm going to sing anything, it's going to be something like "Walking on Sunshine" and there'd be a montage of me trying on cute clothes.

Zoey: Quick - feel something strongly but don't tell me about it. Just think it.
Simon: Did you just learn a new magic trick?

Simon: [Our florist] just totally bailed on us.
Zoey: If you need somebody, you should call my mom. She's a landscape architect, but that's florist adjacent adjacent.

Zoey: Did you have sex last night?
Max: As a matter of fact, Autumn and I did make our first love.

Zoey: Hey, Max, do you go to temple?
Max: I have been, yeah.
Zoey: Because you wanted to? Because your family wanted you to?
Max: Because I got to second base at several bar mitzvahs.

Joan: Maybe going through a separation is the best time to quit carbs.

Maggie: Did I ever tell you about the time I worked at a winery in France? I had just had this steamy affair with my married Russian lit professor and I needed to get away from it all.
Zoey: I'm sorry. You lived where when and were sleeping with whom?

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On 2/24/2020 at 7:54 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Joan: I had to beg him to come back.

Upon first listen, I thought she said "I had to BANG him to come back," and I was all "WHOA!  Shit just got DARK!"

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Emily: Wow, Zoey, I didn't realize you were such a fan of Cabbage Patch Kids.
David: Actually, that was mine.
Emily: Oh. And this [Care Bear].
David: Mine as well.

Mo: I am an artist, Zoey, and my brain does not like functioning until night o'clock.

Zoey: Where should we go?
Mo: Somewhere basic and hetero. I'm in the mood for potato skins.

Joan: What's the good of bad news if you can't share it?

Joan: Aside from several of [your coworkers] commenting on your extreme overuse of the eggplant emoji, in general their feedback about your work was that it is adequate.
Tobin: BOOYA! Love barely meeting expectations!

Joan: Leif, ready to hear what your colleagues had to say?
Leif: Only if you feel it's necessary. I know that all three of us know that as the best programmer here, I'm - what's the word? Beloved.
Joan: Um, okay. "Lief is self-righteous and overly ambitious. His 'aw, shucks' demeanor masks a relentless drive to win at all costs which is more alienating than endearing. It's probably why he didn't get the promotion."

Mo: Let's talk about this duet. Was it romantic? Depressing?
Zoey: It was tortured.
Mo: The best duets are.

Zoey: Emily and I aren't really the tightest. She's kind of acerbic. I'm kind of stand-offish.
Mo: You two would be great in a female cop show.

Max: Autumn's coming too but she thought she saw a rainbow in an oil slick outside so she's still absorbing its beauty.

Zoey: I thought you dug [Autumn's] whole adorable flower child-
Mo: Meets young Kristin Chenoweth vibe.

Leif: I don't expect you to understand this, Little Miss Perfect Score on the SAT.
Zoey: What'd you get on the SAT?
Leif: Also a perfect score. Not the point.

Simon: What is all this?
Zoey: It's a grief kit for your dad's birthday if you need it.
Simon: A pillow?
Zoey: To scream into or absorb your tears. You decide. There's also a hammer to bust things up and a package of Oreos to eat your feelings and tequila because tequila. And fair warning - that package of Oreos might not be entirely full.

Zoey: You can breathe a sigh of relief. Your husband's not a cheater. He's just delightfully neurotic. Yay!
Emily: And all his late nights at work?
Zoey: That's just him going out with some guys to blow off steam. Okay, so neurotic and a teeny tiny little bit of a liar.

Joan: That's why I never thought an anonymous peer review was a very good idea. It's too gutless. It's too passive aggressive. I like aggressive aggressive.

Zoey: "Stammers too much. Lacks confidence. Wears too many sweaters over collared shirts." Not sure how that one is quite performance related. "Can't delegate. Tries too hard. I deserved the promotion, not her."

Max: Whoa, what happened to your face?
Zoey: Mo sasy that my pores are screaming out for love and attention so he's making me look like a horror villain.

Zoey: Worst pep talk ever?

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Mo: Is this a protractor?

Autumn: You always get the usual.
Max: I do, I do, but this time I'm thinking maybe I switch things up a little bit. Like I've always considered myself a coffee purist when it comes to java consumption but there are so many libations on this menu and it's like is this the day when I try my first chai tea or ooh, an iced latte maybe? I don't know.

Autumn: I'm glad we broke up. You're a self-important arrogant nerd who dresses like a third grader.

Joan: I was invited to [Simon's engagement party] but I have no interest in hanging out with a bunch of twenty somethings talking about artisanal beer all night.
Zoey: In our defense, we also talk about nut milk.

Zoey: Have fun tonight. And eat a pig in a blanket for me. There will be pigs in a blanket, won't there?
Simon: Zoey, this is a classy affair. Of course there'll be pigs in a blanket.

Max: I'm just trying to figure out what to say to Autumn when I go back in there. I broke up with her and she's super angry.
Mo: Is that why she wrote "NO MO" on the side of my cup?
Max: I guess so.
Mo: And you're returning to the scene of the crime because you want to...
Max: Apologize? I don't want her to hate me.
Mo: Let me get this straight. You're coming back to make sure that she's okay with the fact that you're still dumping her.
Max: Yeah, I guess so.
Mo: Straight people.

Joan: When we met, I was the fun one and now [Charlie]'s probably out with models or the daughters of models and somehow I'm boring.

Joan: Hi, Toblerone. What's up, beef stroganoff?
Tobin: Did you just give us nicknames?

Leif: Were you pre-gaming with Joan? I cannot believe the lengths you're willing to go to to get in with our boss.
Zoey: And I cannot believe you're dressed as Shaggy wearing Scooby Doo.

Paul: And that's when we realized that we were all naked!

Zoey: I don't understand why [Jessica] was so upset. I talked to her like twenty minutes ago. What changed all of a sudden?
Mo: Does it matter? If she's singing it, she's feeling it.

Max: Eddie, can I tell you a secret? Not only did Mo design this entire killer outfit but also tailored my suit to perfection.
Eddie: So you're attractive and talented.
Mo: There are so few of us.

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7 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Joan: Hi, Toblerone. What's up, beef stroganoff?
Tobin: Did you just give us nicknames?

I believe she called him LEIF stroganoff!

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10 hours ago, Lovecat said:

I believe she called him LEIF stroganoff!

Hahaha, that just makes it even better. Joan was right. She IS fun!

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Zoey: Are you crying?
Max: What? I'm not allowed to get a little emotional about a superhero movie?

Max: You need better popcorn because that skinny stuff tastes like buttered sadness.

Tobin: What do you guys think [Joan] did to drive [Charlie] away?
Zoey: Did you ever think that maybe it was Charlie's fault?
Tobiin: Charlie's only fault was making a video game I sat and played for some many hours, I had to get my baby toe amputated.
Max: You did?
Tobin: Two thirds.

Joan: I know the news of my divorce broke today because I had my publicist plant it along with a photo of me in hot riding pants and Charlie in Tevas as a phish concert.

Joan: The chirp is a bluetooth earpiece with a hi res camera. It uses AI and facial recognition technology to gather information on everything the user sees.
Leif: It'll search public and personal databases, filter the results, and then chirp in your ear the exact thing you need to know in real time.
Joan: No more forgetting the name of your coworker's forgettable husband.
Leif: Or wondering what brand of kale chips the man next to you is eating when you're both out bird watching together.
Joan: Okay, we'll work on the examples.

Tobin: Leif, bro, I am so proud of you right now! But why didn't you tell me?
Leif: Sorry, it was all on a need to know basis.
Tobin: That time I got to second base with my third cousin was a need to know basis but I told you about it.

Tobin: Everybody, as you all know, spelliversary is-
Zoey: The day you both celebrate winning the national spelling bee at age eleven.
Max: Yeah, you only tell us about it every year.

Zoey: Leif looked so smug today with his evil little grin and his well tailored pants.

Joan: Now that the news of the divorce is public, I really need to pump the brakes on some of the bad behavior: excessive drinking, buying a ranch in Montana to go with my riding pants - oops.

Joan: Charlie and I only had sex three and a half times last year. How pathetic is that?
Zoey: I'm sorry. I'm stuck on the half.
Joan: When Richard Branson calls, "Time for dinner!" and you're staying at his private island, you stop what you're doing and you go to dinner.

Zoey: I am a mutant. I am the X-Men meets the Voice.

Zoey: Do you think Tobin will like these?
Max: Shots of Goldschläger? Yeah, it's the official drink of douche bros trying to be classy.

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Zoey: You really missed out on movie night last night. I am doing a whole deep dive into the Jim Carrey oeuvre. I'm halfway through the high concept comedy phase. I'm slowly working my way towards serious artist territory.
Max: Which movie are you on now?
Zoey: The eternal classic that is Liar Liar.
Max: Maybe when you get past his blue period and he returns to his roots with Dumb & Dumber 2, I'll be ready for movie night.

Tobin: FYI this isn't my fault just because I wrote the entire calendar code.
Zoey: What's not your fault that really sounds like your fault?

Zoey: I heard [Leif] sing I Put a Spell on You - seemed real sketchy. Leif is definitely up to something.
Max: Are we talking like witchcraft or just shameless career advancement?
Zoey: Either way, hooking up with Leif is like kissing a Slytherin.

Leif: The Chirp is a wonderful product and Joan deserves to be rewarded for all her hard work and dedication.
Joan Take it down like 80%.

Howie: Bottom line is never rub your eyes when you're in the middle of a ghost pepper eating contest.

Max: Before you totally freak out, just remember a lot of people sing out loud - small children, waiters on your birthday, me every time I hear that song Africa on the radio.

Joan: Can you schedule your nervous breakdown for later?

Tobin: Oh, what's that? Are you guys talking about how Tobin fixed the glitch? Cause I did it, son. Boom! However, much like in life, in solving one problem, I've now created another. July Fourth is no longer on July Fourth.

Max: I'm sorry I ever doubted your whole powers thing or whatever this is because no person could ever make up what just happened in that room.

Max: What makes this day different from any other day?
Zoey: I'm constantly humiliating myself through song.

Joan: You have me raising my voice like I am a mom at a Target who's telling the kids we don't have time to look at the toys and that's not who I am. I've never even been to Target.

Zoey: You can't be mad at me for singing a song that I didn't mean to sing.
Max: Really? It actually seems like the best reason to be mad at you because when you sing, you're singing the truth.

Tobin: We fixed all the holiday switcheroos on the watch-
Zoey: That's good.
Tobin: Yeah, but now there are these reports of the watch sharing calendar events with everyone on your contact list. For example, I can see on my watch that Max has an appointment on Saturday for something called judo with Sensei Dom.
Max: I'm honestly lucky he fit me in.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Mo: Watch your step. My old thigh master's down there. And my shake weight. And my ab roller. I should really stop watching QVC.

Emily: David and I bought [the air mattress] for a fun camping trip and then we both realized we hate camping and fun.

Emily: I kicked David out of our room three times last week because his feet touched mine.

Zoey: I need to absorb your natural positivity and feed off it like a grumpy vampire.

Howie: Is that duct tape and a popsicle stick?
Zoey: Yeah.
Howie: That's resourceful but useless.

Howie: How'd that happen?
Zoey: I tripped over an exercise device, I tried to break my fall on a taxidermied peacock, but I landed on a disco ball instead.
Howie: Wow, your gym sounds amazing!

Mo: Take a shower. You smell like frozen burritos and Hot Pockets.
Zoey: I did eat both of those things before I destroyed this [microwave].

Zoey: Are we looking for Sather Gate, Sather Hall, or Sather Commons? Who is this Sather guy and exactly how rich was he?

Jessica: I love the vibe in here. How would you desribe it?
Mo: Lady and the Tramp meets Ladybird Johnson meets Lady Marmalade.

Mo: These [albums] were organized by year but I think I'm going to organize them by color. Or should I go crazy and do it by alphabet?

David: Hey, so it's been almost a day. Are you talking to me yet? Because I don't really know what I did exactly.
Emily: Well, you came home last night when I was already asleep, sat down next to me in bed, and said, "Wanna do it?"

Zoey: Since when do you know sign language?
Tobin: Junior year of high school. Teegan Schloss - dopest body in the land, couldn't hear a lick. I taught myself to sign for her. Never sealed the deal but I did fall in love with the expressive physical movements of ASL.
Zoey: You're a man of constant surprises.

Zoey: You know, I think I do actually feel the endorphins kicking it.
Mo: So do I and I don't think I like it.

Zoey: I was hanging out with this super cool girl this morning and you'd think her life would be hard cause she's deaf but she's got it all figured out, and I'm the one sitting there all down in the dumps because I occasionally sing or hear someone sing. What's up with that?
Mo: Ever heard of the term white privilege?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Zoey: I was getting worried. I haven't heard a word from Simon since he got on that elevator with Jessica. I thought maybe she shanked him.
Mo: As Eddie describes it, it was very amicable. The Brits don't scream and yell like we do.
Zoey: It seems like Simon's finally coming up for air. It says here "A new day begins. Looking forward to looking forward."
Mo: That just makes me want to shank him.

Zoey: I thought you said you were going to end it with [Liam].
Joan: We did basically. It's light and casual. He's a millennial. They're apathetic and non-committal.

Joan: I'm feeling the need for one of my inspirational speeches. You guys suck!

Simon: I couldn't find my pasta strainer so I think I'm going to have to use the tennis racket method.
Zoey: Isn't that the best way to serve?

Mo: It is emotionally exhausting watching you bend over backwards and forwards again and again for a man child who is clearly unavailable for anything so no, I am not about to help you unravel this mess.

Leif: Things change. People change. I wouldn't be caught dead wearing a cardigan I wore two years ago.
Joan: But you kept that one?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Maggie: You two are being very dramatic. I have dealt with salespeople before in my life.
Zoey: I guess we'll just forget about the timeshare in Canada.
David: Yeah, or the 20 inch rims and booming sound system you said came with the Volvo.

David: Are you going to write our eulogies for us too?
Dale: Well, actually, we can. If you take a look at the gold deluxe package, we have poets on hand. There's some that are very good at haiku, some dirty limericks which certain families enjoy.

Zoey: Are you really that mad at me that you would be willing to work with your least favorite human being at SPRQ Point?
Max: Okay, first of all, Tobin's my least favorite.

Mo: Would you like a straw? Would that help you drink my wine even faster?
Zoey: I know you're joking, but that would be great.

Mo: I've already planned my funeral in elaborate detail. It is much easier to make these decisions when you're thinking rationally. There's a dress code. Nothing teal, cerulean, or anything with a high neckline. There's going to be a sit down dinner where dessert's going to be served first. And I have pre-recorded five songs that I want played because who else is going to sing it better than me? Nobody! Oh, and bring tissues because I absolutely demolish Hallelujah.
Zoey: It almost sounds fun.
Mo: Oh, no no no no. It won't be. And if any of my friends are caught not sobbing, they got to go.

Zoey: I don't think I've ever seen you in a hoodie before.
Joan: This is made with cashmere yarn spun by Benedictine nuns in Italy. It cost more than all your stock options are worth but if you want to call it a hoodie, sure.

Joan: I hate karaoke more than I hate black light bowling.

Joan: My mom looked like Audrey Hepburn but talked like a college football coach.

Joan: How are things on the sixth floor?
Leif: Rock solid. Ten out of ten on the Mohs' scale which is the standard classification of hardness for minerals. 

Joan: Oh, gawd. There's nothing worse than a human being singing directly into another human being's eyes.

Tobin: I am so pumped right now I think I'm going to take a victory lap.
Joan: Please. We all know your bathroom schedule. We're not fooled.

Joan: This would be a great place to murder someone.
Leif: But that's not what's happening here, right?

Maggie: You must really like pie.
Deb: No, I just have a really terrible time making decisions.

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Tobin: Now we've got our own omelette bar! Zoey, I've had three omelettes today. Egg whites only - gotta keep those triglycerides low when your cholesterol's sky high, son!
Zoey: Are you bragging about having high cholesterol?
Tobin: Top two percent for my age, you know it! Purely genetic. Now on all the statins. I am worried. This is how I compensate.

Zoey: Ava fired Max? Why did she do that?
Joan: I don't know. I'm guessing it's not because he did too good a job.

Emily: David, did you know there's something called a nipple shield? Could be a game changer. For my nipples!

Danny: I find you charming and disturbing, like a Pomeranian wearing a tutu.
Zoey: Thank you?

Danny: Tony, have them make me an omelette, hold the eggs.

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