Onceafan

Finally caught up this season on Sister Wives. Boy my counselor hat was in overdrive. For the latest episode, just a few quick cliff notes that I made, how I would have done it if they were in a session. I couldn't even go there with Ysabel, cause that would take a whole other post. Robyn and Kody's reaction regarding the phone call to Robyn. Both show more concern on image and narrative maintenance then on what the child is trying to communicate. What solutions if any did, they suggest to the child? Did they encourage the children to interact more? ie. Zoom, phone calls, texts. Did she do any follow up calls with the child, to check on them, their mental health? 2. Kody's comment on "lack of loyalty" to him and how it may affect relationships 5, 10 years down the road. Follow up to clarify if he believes his feelings of rejection will also affect his desire to be involved in children's lives 5 to 10 years from now. If he feels rejected by them now, will he in turn reject them as adults? INFJ - grudges for wives. 3. Janelle's continued use of "they" in talking head. "I doubt even if we agreed on these rules, they still wouldn't get together because they would feel like someone is lying." concerns over group favoritism, perception of us vs. them mentality, Kody and Robyn "they" vs. rest of family, Triangulation

Counselor hat on! During the zoom call, it was very clear in their mirrored language, ie. living with regrets, that Robyn and Kody have established the system of rules for the entire family, with a punishment system for the wife and children who do not abide by them. This is just a blaring example of the mistrust in this family. As many of us are aware, Christine and Robyn were self isolating with their own children, and yet those two "bubbles" still could not interact. The reasoning behind this is simple. Robyn does not trust Christine. For the children to interact, Robyn would need to truly believe that Christine was diligent about social distancing, and is being completely truthful in her answers about following the established protocol. Hence, the mistrust and lack of faith in her fellow sister wife, is evident as they continue to keep the children apart. That mistrust is spread further now that Janelle is back in rotation. Kody laying down the new guideline, that if you want to see him, then no wife's family can interact with another, once again shows he is not trusting his wife's decisions. As Kody speaks on accountability for the virus, his wives need to press his accountability towards his children. The suggestion most counselors are giving during the time of this pandemic, is that a parent should set a goal of spending at minimum 25 percent of the time that they usually would have spent with their children, if they are not living in the same home. For instance if you are a divorced parent, and your child typically spends the weekend with you, but currently can't because of the pandemic, than the parent should be spending at least 25 percent of that weekend time, still engaging the child, such as on zoom, or phone calls, or socially distanced visits. So on the days that Kody should either be at Janelle or Christine's, he should not just spend those entire days engaging with Robyn and her children. He should be watching movies on zoom with the children, or driving over to have a socially distanced visit. A 10-15 minute phone call, is not sufficient, and shows the children a true lack of effort and desire to be with them. The children's mental health is very important during a time of crisis, and Kody's dismissal of their fears and concerns over the family dynamics can only fester a growing resentment and feeling of rejection from his children. How a person acts in a time of family crisis can tell you a lot. Kody's image of a devoted family man is drowning, and he is lashing out, dragging every other member who dares to say anything negative against him, down to the depths with him.

I literally had pages on Kody and Christine, but just hitting on the highlights between these two. Counselor hat on! “I always just gave in. If you wanted to do something, I just gave in. Whatever you needed I just did, and I didn’t even argue, I really didn’t even formulate an opinion all the way, and it completely shocked me, that you loved her (Robyn) even though she was arguing with you.” Christine Brown in 2015. Kody was content in this power alignment. Christine would voicelessly self sacrifice in exchange for her husband’s love and happiness. When Robyn entered the family, Christine witnessed Kody and Robyn engage in an equitable, loving marriage. Not surprisingly, Christine developed a desire to have her voice be heard too. This enhanced desire to build her decision making power in their relationship was detrimental to the dynamic of the relationship, as her husband viewed any response that was not her common passiveness as hostile or nagging. (By the way, I had almost a full page on Kody’s language of using words such as nagging, bombarded, etc. I would love to have him in a session, to define what those words mean to him, and what language we could develop that would not degrade the communication of a spouse. ) The more Christine gave voice to her desires and concerns, such as inequality in his scheduling, Kody would deem her behavior as “oversensitive,” or “overreacting, choosing to focus on her behavior as negative rather than the concerns she raised, therefore leading but partners unhappy and dissatisfied with each other and their relationship. For Christine, her concerns remained, and so she may try again, only to be once again met with a crippling response of being labeled as nagging, an attitude that Kody deems worthy of punishing by giving the relationship a lack of time and effort. With Kody’s bold exaggerated statement of having a wife that will never be happy, he has placed all blame on her, so all judgement and guilt should be placed solely on her shoulders, as he is blameless against her irrationality. These toxic tactics, have inevitably resulted in Christine’s low self esteem and depression, which often gives a person distortions that other’s do not like them, or a feeling of not being worthy of love. What one can take away from Kody’s statement of his love being conditional, is that his love comes with requirements, terms, and rules, that each wife must abide by. This punishment//reward system is a common power/control tactic that Kody uses often, which I have discussed in previous posts. My last thing I wrote on my page for Christine: All couples fight, but in a healthy balanced relationship, there will always be an undercurrent of safety, respect, and love. In unhealthy relationships, love is something you must earn. In unhealthy relationships, your voice is barely tolerated when it should be desired.

Oh wow guys, many pages of notes on last night’s episode Let’s start with Kody/Meri shall we? Cause I have a lot to say about Kody/christine, and Kody/Janelle and her children. Counselor hat on. What I saw and heard last night, is not uncommon in mixed agenda couples. One spouse is clear that they have no desire or interest in the relationship, while the other still has hope that their relationship can be renewed. This two differing agendas played out in full display during their anniversary outing. Take a look at Kody’s language: “I’m trying to get Meri to realize some things that might help her improve her life.” Or “I’m trying to help Meri determine if she has a spark or if she is just lonely for anything.” So under this guise, Meri is the only one that needs development, and clearly doesn't know her own mind or feelings. In reality, Kody is trying to implement his own will/agenda onto Meri. As Kody stated, he can’t tell her where they are at, they need to agree on it, so Kody can maintain his image. So to try and make her agree to an exit strategy, he uses emotional starvation as his main tactic. Even after years of emotional starvation, she continues to voice hope. So his tactics escalate. He tells her he doesn’t love her. He has no real interest in a relationship with her. He talks about her cruelty. All forms of reaching out by her, are slapped away. His comment that she needed to “be lovable,” implies that she is in fact unlovable in his eyes, and not worthy of love. And yet, even with such escalation on his part, we cut to Meri during her interview, which was filmed after this outing, to her saying she’s not giving up, and she’s not a quitter. As for Meri, I can say with all truthfulness that as a counselor, I see time and time again, a person fight to stay in a marriage that is unhealthy for them. Is she in a toxic relationship? Yes. Is she clinging to a hopeful fantasy of a reconciliation one day, that is leaving her stuck in a place without love? Yes. These are all questions that as a counselor I would discuss with her. But Meri is an adult, and Kody has made his stance and feelings of disdain very clear, and so she continues her agenda with her eyes wide open. If she is not in a place of acceptance of moving forward, that is a decision she is allowed to make. I have had spouses separated for 15 years, with one still holding out hope, while the other has moved on with a new family. The last note I wrote for Meri on my page was simply this. If you have to repeatedly live in the past to tolerate the present, then you will never have a future.

I caught up on the most recent episodes, and had 7 pages of notes jotted down just for Kody. To avoid a very long post on every red flag and issue that I identified with him, I'll just start with the biggest I saw. Counselor hat on.... Kody: Fair weathered, projective identification with emotional blackmail tendencies, Projective identification: It is a type of controlled manipulation that Kody often uses on his wives that leads them to act in a way that justifies in his own mind, his negative attitude and behavior towards them. Let’s take Kody being on his phone consistently when he is over at Christine’s residence, or what we usually refer to as the silent treatment. Whenever a spouse withdraws or becomes non communicative for long periods of time it signals to the other that there is a problem in the relationship, leaving in this case Christine to wonder “what did she do wrong to upset him?” This leads to two possible outcomes, both which play into Kody’s manipulation. The first is the spouse, Christine, will try to cater to the silent person in anyway possible, just to keep the peace and get things back to normal, since she knows there are competitive households that she is up against. I saw this when Christine mentioned that she has spoken to Kody about his schedules with the wives, but he gets annoyed and angry, so she just tries not to think about it or mention it to him anymore. In this case, her valid concern over the inequality of time he spends with her was silenced by her attempt to placate him. Therefore the problem/concern is never really resolved, and Kody continues to use a withdrawal of communication as a manipulation tactic to control his own schedule or other desires. This type of manipulation ties into his emotional blackmail tendencies with his wives. He is able to control the amount of communication, attention, time, and affection that each wife receives, leading to a reward/punishment emotional shutoff power dynamic. Kody has other wives, or resources if you will, to have his emotional and physical needs met, while each wife’s needs are solely dependent upon him. This control dynamic allows him to be fair weathered in his marriages, leaving the wives to learn that they themselves are responsible for any negative outcomes in the marriage because they did not comply to Kody’s desire of not wanting to be burdened but to visit an always happy always devoted household when it is their designated time. The second outcome that usually occurs from the silent treatment, is that the spouse, in this case Christine, becomes upset by that behavior, loses composure, and can launch a verbal altercation. In projective identification, Kody would then use Christine’s reactional behavioral response, not his own, as his justification to not want to spend time with her, which then gives him the freedom of either leaving that residence to go to another that is being more compliant, or stonewalling her in his time there. Sorry, I tried to make this as short as possible, With Kody, I could just go on and on.

Hey guys. As one can imagine it was a very eventful week here in Texas, but we are back up and running. I've got my notepad out, counselor hat on and ready to share what I jotted down. I touched on Robyn, so next up I have Christine. Christine: Behavioral self blame, Feelings of undeserved inferiority Behavioral self blame: "I'm sorry that I still get jealous." "I guess I'm just looking for a fight." These type of statements show that Christine's factor of blame for these feelings or actions, are on herself. Self blame is highly correlated with depressive symptoms, which Christine clearly voiced and displayed throughout the dinner. (feeling everyone hates her, being on the outside looking in) Let's take the jealousy statement. Jealousy is often a term used to shift blame on the person who is feeling that. It often has a connotation that the person cannot control their emotions, a connotation that the Brown family clearly buys into, since Christine is apologizing for it, and no other family members are correcting her. In reality what Christine is expressing is inequality. The greater sense of inequality Christine feels, the inferior she feels within the family, which can be disguised and rooted as jealousy or envy. When Christine spoke of her experience in Las Vegas, stating she only saw Kody once or twice a week, and for a few hours in the evening, Kody's response was a huge red flag for me. He stated, that he comes over to check on the children. That statement alone needs to be analyzed. Kody: I come over to check on the children. What Kody should be saying: I came HOME to spend time with my wife and children. I was not surprised by Christine's statement that he is not settled, when Kody's chosen language makes it sound like he is "visiting" these particular children and that particular house. Does a husband "come over" or does a husband simply "come home for a few days?" Although the other Sister wives may want to compartmentalize Christine's experience as solely a relationship issue between Christine and Kody, the inequality of time, attention, and scheduling that Christine voiced, which is making her feel like an inferior wife, is part of a greater family dynamic that all of them needed to address and solve together, and yet I saw no such actions from any of them. They need clearly defined boundaries, scheduling, expectations, and communication so that the control of these matters do not lay solely in Kody's hands. I will have to do an entirely different post later on Kody, his escapism of being on his device, the toxicity of his coping skills, and being a "fair weathered husband."

I finally got around to watching the new episode of Sister Wives, and as someone who has worked as a family/marriage counselor for over twenty years, I couldn't help but take notes, as I would in a session, as I watched their dinner conversations. So counselor hat I'll give a brief summary of some of my notes if anyone wants me to. I will start with Robyn. Robyn: Impression Management, and Feigning Ignorance. When a person, Janelle is this case, confronts the family about feeling like single mothers and a divide in the family, Robyn employs the tactic of feigning ignorance and impression management to avoid responsibility of her part in the family dynamics and distances herself from the problem. Robyn feigns ignorance about plural marriage, and states she thought the dynamic of the family was that they always felt like single mothers, well before her joining the family. Robyn is obviously aware of the previous dynamic of living in one home, and how Christine helped raised Janelle's children. She co-authored a book with the other sister wives, and knows full details of the past family dynamics. However she feigns ignorance of this knowledge, to basically state, that feeling like single mothers, is what she believed the Brown's plural marriage had always been. By using this tactic she is able to psychological distance herself from the stated problem by inferring that the problem existed well before she was in the family. She then moves to the next tactic which is impression management. By starting to cry, and ask if "they" are saying that it all started when she joined the family, she is able to have everyone at the table state that the problem is not her fault. By doing this, the person who brought up the problems, Janelle, begins to feel uncomfortable in the role, and will start apologizing and feels that she has caused harm or hurt unintentionally to Robyn, and will immediately back down and coddle Robyn who is now the perceived victim. By employing these tactics, Robyn was successfully able to maintain her positive innocent impression onto her husband, while the other wives came off looking negative.

I respectfully disagree, watching that ad only fueled my anger on Both sides of the house. Like Nancy all of these politicians have plenty of money to live on and stock their fridges. Meanwhile my aunt waited in line for three and a half hours at a food bank in San Antonio to receive a bag of onions, pototoes, one dozen eggs, a gallon of milk, and instant oatmeal. It is very easy for all of these politicians to waste time and argue and accomplish nothing. My only gripe on the ad is that it should show as many house members fridges as possible, but Nancy was the only one they had footage for. Expose them all, I say.

If Meghan and Whoopi are on and are self isolating as well, then why can't Joy be on the show also? Is Joy refusing to be on now remotely?

Robyn repeat after me: Do not have your desire for a preferred lifestyle masquerade as moral authority. Counselor hat back on here. Robyn: "I don't know how God could not just provide a rental." This along with many other statements and actions she made shows a Self Righteous way of thinking. Her vision is very limited catered by her own desires, and if a result falls short of what Robyn has deemed as perfect, then she views it as a failure. Take a look at her statement. The truth of the matter is that there are rentals available, they simply do not have the number of bedrooms that she would prefer. It is much easier to lay the burden upon another factor, ie. God, than for a person to accept their own choices and the responsibilities of those choices. She could easily choose to take a rental with less bedrooms, but Robyn has personally decided that this is what her family needs, and therefore jumps to the conclusion that God, must agree with her, and will give it to her. Due to her own wants, she is now engaging in Self Righteous moral behaviors, with an all or nothing mindset, in which Robyn believes that everyone else should function and believe in her self imposed desires and plans and to question it, is to not believe in a higher moral authority, ie. God, when in reality a person is only questioning Robyn's own moral authority on the matter. Her over exaggeration of the impact of moving on the children, is presenting a darkened mental filter on her own children's mental health. By dwelling so negatively on purchasing a home, she is darkening their true reality, which is the children will be provided a safe loving home. I am in now way surprised by seeing the anxiety exhibited by her two eldest daughters. I could write a whole other post on how Robyn contributes and encourages the anxiety in her children.

In short answer....no. With victim mentality a person feels justified in being woeful and believes that sympathy and a catering attention from others should be given to them because their problems simply are not their fault, but a result from another...in this case Kody. So why others who watch the show thinks she comes off terrible, while Meri watches the show, she would just see how bad she believes she is being treated, and that her behaviors and attitudes are completely justified.

Okay, counselor hat back on. Here are my thoughts on Christine and Janelle, and of course a little more on Meri and Robyn Christine: Although she is clearly not Meri's best friend, from what I witnessed, she is Meri's biggest ally in that blowup, not Robyn even though Robyn wants to portray to be. First, Christine clearly acknowledges that Meri does have a victim mentality and plays games with the rest of the family. Look at this exchange. (a lot of people are talking over each other, but I could clearly hear this from Christine.) Kody: She won't be happy till she has all of you, bowing at her feet waiting for her to decide what she wants. Christine: Yeah, maybe she does do that. Kody: You guys just saw it all unfold Christine: Yeah we did. No one is saying anything different. In a conversation with Robyn Christine: So you feel like you don't have a choice? Robyn: No. I'm taking what she doesn't want. Notice that during her exchange with Robyn, Robyn has put the sole blame on Meri, claiming she gets Meri's leftovers, with no blame on either Christine or Janelle who also got to pick their piece of land before her. Robyn isn't really confronting the problem that all three got to choose before her, she is only singling out Meri's choice. Christine is the only person while still standing on the land, says at least three times, that the family needs to start from scratch, and no one should claim any land. She also states it again a few days later when the family meets to resolve the issue. By doing this, Christine at that moment was not just blaming Meri, but actively tried to give a fair resolution in which she was giving up her claim on the property, so the family and every wife got to be heard and felt like they had a choice. Christine clearly has had a turbulent past with Meri, which is displayed in her conversation with and talking about Janelle. Christine: Janelle and I have always really gotten along, to say we only got along for the kids, that's not really Janelle and I. She's been super easy for me. Reading between the lines, Christine is admitting that she and Meri, have not gotten along, and only did for the children. However even with this turbulent past with Meri, and clearly acknowledging that Meri does play games and agreeing with Kody, Christine was still mediating their family meeting, acknowledging miscommunication, and self acknowledging, that while she did talk to Kody about wanting that particular piece of land, she had not spoken to the other wives about it. Christine was accepting some blame for the family's distance and not communicating with the other wives. She was the most level headed, the most willing to compromise, the ONLY one who accepted accountability for the miscommunication without putting the sole blame on Meri. Kody is wrong to acknowledge Robyn as the only one apologizing and the only one being okay to be put anywhere on the land. As I discussed in my previous post Robyn is doing this for "secondary gains." She claims she is not the victim and can't be a baby in her talking head, and yet, Robyn is the one crying, Robyn is the one who walked away from the situation, only to come back, once Meri was gone to complain to the rest of the family. Robyn freely blames Meri for getting her leftovers, and even in her apology she blames Meri. Make no mistake, Robyn was playing the victim as well as Meri, and yet was the only wife Kody gave a shout out to in the family discussion for being the most willing to live anywhere and for apologizing. This is secondary gains folks. As for Janelle this statement sums her up pretty well, when she was talking to Robyn after Meri left and Robyn came back. Janelle to Robyn: I was glad when you got that place by the pond. Janelle clearly does not trust Meri. You can say this is about the pond, but what is it really about is control. Look at the language Janelle uses throughout the episode when talking about Meri getting the plot of land with the pond. She uses words like "jursidiction, I'm afraid, and equal rights." Janelle wants things in writing for legal purposes. This is a symptom of someone who feels that if Meri has legal control she will enforce her will, and give no consideration for the rest of the family. There are really deep rooted issues between these two that are in no way resolved. And trust me, when Meri saw this scene and what everyone said, it only goes to feed into her victim mentality and completely demolishes any chance for Janelle and Meri to ever having a trusting relationship. As for Meri, she was asked by every family member during that episode which land she wants. Janelle even said, "Let's forget all that was told, Meri where do you want to go? The thing is guys, when a person is so deep into victim mentality, when you place the choice back on them, they will shy away from that, and not take the empowerment, cause they will not be able to continue in their woe of problems. They will AVOID at all costs, which is exactly what she did. When her feet are held to the fire, she claims she didn't have enough time or information to make a decision at this time. That is exact, textbook response to a person of victim mentality. In summary: Even though she has a long, difficult relationship with Meri, Christine was still willing to compromise for her, without placing sole blame on Meri, but put the blame more on the family as a whole.

Forgive me, I will try to make this as short as possible, but having worked as a counselor for 20 plus years, I had to take some notes off of last night's show, and give my two cents on it. Back in the day there was a saying that you can't put two snakes in the same basket, what we saw last night is that you can't put two victims in the same basket. We literally saw, two women fighting over which one of the two got to claim a victim role over the division of the land. Both women wanted to claim that they were not given the choice and "just" had to take what was left. Meri: She absolutely displays all of the characteristics of a victim mentality. Last night during the picnic she started the discussion about the division of the land with this, "Kody told me where all of you are going to be and I'm just going to be back there." This first statement is very agressive using words such as "just" and "back there" to show that the other three got what they wanted, and she's just being put out of the way with no consideration to her wants. What is funny about Meri is duing her talking head, she called out Robyn for saying, she just has to settle for what's left, and that Robyn shouldn't say that, and act like she doesn't have a choice or that she is the low man on the totem pole because that isn't true. What Meri really is saying, Robyn can't say that, because that is what I am claiming, and I am the low man on the totem pole, and I am the victim here, not her. Robyn: She really does play the martyr well, but she plays it with what we call "secondary gains." When talking to Meri she states, "Yeah, I'll just take what's left. I did it before, I'll just do it again." When talking with Kody she states, "No I don't have a choice I'm taking what she doesn't want." Her "apology" she stated she was sorry for leaving in a huff. But listen to the rest of the apology. "I felt like I didn't have a choice the first time you brought me out there and I felt like Meri was changing her mind and I was left again with no choice." Then Robyn in her talking head states that if the family doesn't talk it out, then "Meri will continue to feel hurt, and Kody will still be frustrated." Notice how she took herself out of that equation for the problem? I could go on, but I don't want to bore you all. As for Janelle and Christine, I could do a whole other post on the things they said last night.

Having worked as a counselor for many years, I have strong opinions on what I heard from the Brown family on last night's episode. My two cents on what I heard. Christine's main problem with the one house is with Robyn and her children. Christine is being semi-truthful in her explanations on the why nots. What I hear and see is that Christine was not happy in the Lehi house. She watched all of Janelle's children as well as her own. She told us last night it was too much. and because of the children always being there with her, they could walk in at anytime, so she and Kody could only be affectionate in the bedroom. Back in Lehi Kody worked outside of the home, and so he had to use the evening time to spend with all of the children, cause that was important to him to see them all and tell them all good night. When Christine kept saying in the one house there would be no privacy, and one of the wives or anyone could walk in, while she is with Kody, she really is referring to Robyn's children. They are the youngest and actively seek out their father. Christine is worried that on "her" day in the one house, she will have to share Kody with Robyn's children. That they will go where their father goes, and he will welcome them, because Kody identifies as a father, and one can see he is building a stronger more present presence with Robyn's younger children, which is not uncommon with the last of the children. She wants Kody to herself in the evenings cuddling with her on the couch, without one of Robyn's children in his lap. As for jealousy and seeing Kody with another wife, it is well established that he and Meri have no romantic relationship for the last five years. Janelle never shows PDA and her relationship with Kody is more business. The only other wife that leaves is Robyn. Christine does not want to see Robyn and Kody together. It's all about Robyn. Make no mistake it was a very aggressive move from Christine last night, when Kody was crossing off her mom mojo on the board, and she piped up, if he want to push her buttons, I can go up there, and cross off never moving again, knowing that was Robyn's "button." to cause tension between Robyn and Kody. She has some real resentment and jealousy there with Robyn and Kody.

Does anyone remember that cheesy ad that Kody did to pimp out the las vegas homes in March 2019, where you could meet him if you came to their open house? Why do they think meeting Kody is every woman's dream? LOL. So do you guys think Janelle quit or do you think the family decided to go with another realtor?