Callaphera

I don't know if E! Canada is the same as E! US, but it kinda ruined the episode when they ran a preview for next week's episodes during the first commercial break of the early viewing of this episode. Once I saw that, I knew how the episode would end so what was the point of sitting through the next 50 minutes? (Mr. Callaphera is a fan of the show, too, and wasn't home for the early viewing. I'll have to be sure to mute the commercial for him, now that he's turning in a savvy TV viewer. I'm so proud, it only took five years.) But if I had checked out early, I wouldn't have gotten to see Ophelia's So You Think You Can Dance audition. I don't think she would get a call back. Does the actress have any dance experience? Because...yeah. Ophelia and Liam are still as dull as dishwater. Eleanor is still the best part of the show for me, especially during the scene with the King. I'm kind of liking sober Eleanor. I surprisingly didn't miss Jasper this episode, although I did roll my eyes at his cuff link still being in the Queen's bed sheets. Come on. With as much staff as she has? This Queen would probably insist on brand new sheets every night. Cyrus... eh, whatever. The King gets two thumbs up for this one. I was surprised, yet not surprised that Prudence was let go. I expected more from Joan Collins. Her bits were good, but I wanted more. Great casting, though. I love a good soap-y whodunnit. I'm unspoiled, but I'm gonna put my money on Jasper doing the deed on behalf of the Queen. It would make an interesting use of his three days of compassionate leave (what?!). I like him as the villian.

The funniest part of this episode for me was the scene with Eleanor and Liam hitting up the bong pre-party. Because that was the most laughable special effects attempt at a cloud of smoke coming from Liam's mouth. Dude. It's a bong. For as long as he had it burning and inhaling, this little tiny puff of smoke comes out of his mouth. Sorry E!, but it doesn't work like that. I never really noticed in the past episodes whether it was fake or "real" smoke but that little wisp of vapour was bad. I don't expect them to be hotboxing the room, but come on. They clearly blew the budget on sets and clothing. The maid (what's her name?) tries to poison Cyrus. Did she forget that she has a gun? Because I'm still waiting for the damned thing to go off. Ophelia and Liam? Still boring. The Queen's affair? Meh. Jasper and Eleanor? Somewhat interesting, if only because he played the "no video" card waaaay too early. The bait and switch Eleanor pulled was about the best part of the episode. This episode was a bit of a letdown after the last one with the arson and the Ecstasy fueled retirement home visit.

Yes and no, in my opinion. He does his job, but in this last episode it made me cringe a little. Eleanor was at a drug rehab, sitting in a chair across from one of the patients. That never should have happened. And then, when said patient out and out asks her about her drug use, Eleanor actually answers her. I know he's a security guard and he's not a "handler" like the older guy she didn't want to come. But she's the Princess and you'd think that he'd at least know to get her ass up and out of that chair the second the question crossed the patient's lips. The second the girl was asking "So, why do you do drugs?", there should have been a cartoon cloud of dust where Eleanor was sitting as they were headed out to the car. I thought it was interesting and kinda clunky, because now we can probably expect another scene with the Queen brandishing a newspaper with her daughter's quote all over it, rather than her crotch this time. That was about the only interesting thing about the drug rehab scene to me.

I'm beginning to think that, while Jasper may have drugged Eleanor's drink the first time, there isn't actually any sex or sex tape floating around. He seems to get off on the control of her and while the "blackmail sex" is questionable, I think that's basically his game. Eleanor assumed there was sex, waking up next to him the next morning (and we were led to believe the same, since it's Eleanor), and she took his word that there was a video but she's never seen it and neither have we. Not even a little clip of it. I'm officially Team There's No Video/She's Gonna Own His Ass One Day. The "Take your dress off. Do it slowly" routine from this episode is what tipped me to that side. Dude likes the control. He probably has some sort of end game in mind, because it's a soap and there's always an end game, and I do wonder if it's going to come out that the Queen is involved in this somehow. Speaking of... I loved the Queen having the distillery burnt to the ground. Cheesy and kinda telegraphed when distillery dude was snarking at her, but definitely a high five moment for us when we saw the news report at the end. I like evil Queen, especially sipping from the bottle of booze afterwards. I was hoping for some pay off from the servant girl checking out the gun in her purse in this episode, but I guess not. I hope they didn't drop that. Sadly, the Liam/Ophelia thing is the part that I care the least about. Gemma is entertaining at times, but I really don't care about their little triangle (rectangle with the new guy?). If every episode was the Princess and the Queen going at each other, with bonus ditzy twin cousins, that would be my dream show.

I don't even know. I'm done. I could sit through all of it, but this Beyonce performance makes me throw in the towel. It's been fun. Next year, I'll have to remember to get more wine.

The wine also can't explain Gwyneth. What?

What does it say about me that what I notice about the Taylor Swift/Pharrell piece is Frankie Grande in the corner of the picture at the top? What's wrong with me?

Buy the Grammy Nominees 2015 album, where you can hear all of your favourite depressing, put-you-to-sleep ballads. Where the biggest names in music sing back-up to ridiculous famewhores. Oh, and "Happy", now celebrating 62 years as a #1 hit.

Thanks again for dressing up for the awards, Dave Grohl. Sorry they happened on the same day you decided to clean out your garage. The denim on denim look is... something. ETA: And I say this as someone who waited in line for three hours to buy tickets to the next Foos tour.

I like how they do the actual awards. If you win one, you get 2.7 seconds to speak before the music kicks in. They really care about the "award" part of the award show, don't they?

I am so confused by this. I can't even blame the wine.

Beck is the "shocking" win of the night? Two turntables and a microphone Beck? I didn't even know Beck was still around until tonight.

I think filling myself on leftover Cheezburger Macaroni has helped to kill my buzz. Or it's this show and all of its depressing performances. Kind of a toss up. I must rectify this to get through the next twenty minutes. Speaking of, when was the last time we saw an award? I forgot this show isn't just a crappy concert. They do hand out the occasional award, right? If nothing else, the Grammy's make me appreciate those Rush tickets we just bought. Because at least that's music.

Taylor Swift about Sam Smith: He stays true to himself. Uh, this was the same guy with the copyright dispute over a Tom Petty song, right?

Kanye's performance: sing a line, look to the heavens like you're praying. Sing a line, kneel a little off to one side like a pretentious twat. Sing a line, shake a jazz hand. Listen to Rhianna sing a line, spread your arms like you're nailed onto a cross. Doesn't Paul McCartney deserve better? ETA: Should sing be in quotation marks, like "sing"?

Mr. Callaphera thanks you for getting that song stuck in my head because now I'm gonna sing it all night. None of these songs are gonna stick with me.

'Cause you're not cool until you wear sunglasses indoors on stage. Just ask Bono.

Anytime I see/hear Gaga do a song like this, all I can think is "Man, Amy Winehouse would've kicked ass at this compared to you."

Thank God I'm not the only one. I finally feel validated in this and the Beyonce indifference. My people! ETA: I thought the purple hair chick on the red carpet was Demi Lovato? Whoever she is?

I'm curious to know: did the domestic violence seminar idea happen first, and then Katy Perry performing after? Or was it just something to fit with the Katy Perry performance? Or am I just that cynical? (Trick question: it's the wine. It's always the wine.)

Man, I was totally going to joke that after this speech, they were going to cut to Katy Perry writhing around with sharks and lollipops. I was half right. Damn you, Grammy Awards, stop stealing my thunder.

Do you think Chris Brown is squirming in his seat during this Obama domestic violence speech?

So... a bellhop, a street gang, and church choir singers walk into a bar and...

Do I have to tip Pharrell when he brings my suitcases up to my room?

Nope. In my youth, I used to buy the jug of porch climber for 16.99. Now I buy the slim bottle with a screwtop. I think I'm grown and matured. The Hamburger Helper on the other hand... Oh, Annie Lennox. Thanks for showing these ladies how to do it with class, awesomeness, and talent.