NoirDetective

I did like Farrah starting it right from jump by telling Dr. Drew not to come at her with that Sad Panda, Dr. Concern Troll garbage if he was just "hosting a talk show" designed to shit-stir and instigate conflict. Amen, honey! Somebody finally heard my refrain screamed from the mountaintop. But Dr. Talk Show Host could see how that might be confusing for her. How big of that asshole! As if anybody who isn't Sad Panda himself could possibly have any confusion about what side of the Dr. line this televised murderer resides. No way anybody would be deranged enough to invite him into the lives of at-risk addicts now. This way he gets to absolve himself of any and all responsibility for these years-long wrecks while still calling it a "Check-Up with Dr. Drew" and positioning himself -- for years, with all the radio interviews -- as their chief exploiter/concerned expert/rock. Fuck. Off. Panda.

Kendall's Cleopatra seizure was a total mess, from her mask of a face that reads nothing but confusion and fear, to her spastic chair crawling and whatever the hell the rest of that Little Kicks Elaine from Seinfeld thing was. She reminded me of one of the chicks from Reefer Madness who takes one hit of weed and in the next shot is flailing around like a compete and hopeless lunatic. I loved the "power lunch" start, with them saying how great the eight weeks off were (did we get eight weeks off, feels like this show is always on) and they weren't going to deal with Abby's nonsense -- you know, minor prison and bankruptcy type squabbles -- anymore, then they crawl back, can't even walk into her office, and get put straight back into the demeaning position vs. the minis they've been so glad to be free of. I like Ashlee, and Kira is crazy but seems mostly checked out of this besides her random fits of rage, but Jill and Holly are straight nuts. Their wide smiles and hearty waves -- when stepping off a bus to Vegas (glamour!) -- said it all. And the "go get Abby away from the mini moms and back in the room." So much for relying on Kendall and Nia's much promoted talent to earn spots on the team. I bet they've learned they always have to say their kids always do great no matter what or the show will turn them into the losers of the troupe. They are delusional -- I actually think equally, as Nia has almost as many if not more minuses than Kendall -- but subconsciously, they know their girls suck. I'm glad Jojo and Mama Pig got sent back to what I desperately hope for both of them: school. But I'm sure they're in a one bedroom in Burbank recording awful songs loosely about the wrongs performed upon them by Abby on their own dime. I really don't have any negative reactions to Abby anymore. I wouldn't be eager to accommodate anything for these psycho bitches, either, and I do feel an undercurrent that she does have some genuine affection for her charges, which is more than any of these parents display. Kira: You guys have given up your whole childhood! And severely impacted their adulthood, don't forget! But back on the bus now...

Hilarious that Nicole's weeks-long sexual assault of Azan is only stopped by the mention of her exercising and not eating fast food for every meal. It's better than mace. Azan should use that as a club to keep that tub at bay. It did strike me as odd they didn't park the camels next to the tent. Why are we walking to the camels instead of the reverse? Anfisa wants to be famous! Sorry, dear, we already have our personality-free, dubiously attractive prostitute-celebrity in Kim Kardashian, and we've been trying to get rid of her for years. You have no hope. Amazing to me. Does she really think she's that beautiful/engaging, or is it just she's so lazy and stupid? Alla needs to get off this beach wedding. Aren't they in Utah? Look at a map! And once you become a mail-order bride, I'm not sure you get to sniffle wistfully about the wedding you dreamed about as a girl. That ship, she already gone. The obese black woman is only here for TV, which only speaks to another of her myriad problems. She says she has a venue and all this but we haven't see her do anything besides mix glue and glitter.

Quit banging on the door! Yeah, that banging must have been a real inconvenience, you goddamn motherfucking bitch. You are paid to be there. Far too much. The CO unions protect these morons, so it's not easy to get one of these sociopathic psych test flunkies out and they know it. 60 Minutes did an infuriating piece on the NYC piece of garbage CO union boss not long ago. It's a cliche, but the system really is broken. And of course they could've gotten the inmates water through any variety of means, if only to diminish the building rage. The only reason they didn't is that they just don't give a fuck. What else could it be?! All those basic human rights can wait til their union maintenance man staggers back to his post and the correct forms get filed. That's what they care about. Covering their ass. Any "changes" to this jail will require those running it not to be completely self-interested in their pension and benefits, and that's why this is all worthless and nothing will change here. Im certain Sheriff's Tweedledee and Tweedledum will plead poverty at the reunion. Actual self-evaluation is hopeless, as they didn't need to send a new mother and Barbra into this hell to find out they're running it like a clown car with no wheels. I was in jail in downtown NYC not long after 9/11. It terrifies me to think of those people who happened to be rounded up smoking a joint that morning and found themselves at the mercy of some dope.

True! But I prefer to think they're taking home a check because these mothers have sold their kids into the Hollywood slave trade. And I figure whatever check they get for demeaning themselves and their families on TV week after week is probably about what they'd earn demeaning their kids week after week in regional meat dress commercials without my attention, so I consider it a wash. But really, what bargaining power could these people have? They'd pay to be on this show, so it wouldn't surprise me if they get peanuts.

So the show did entice me to discover Jojo's music video, and it's just as cheap, shoddy, desperate, and devoid of talent as I expected. It even has Jess' pig face shoehorned into it. I, personally, would've recast that part with someone not startlingly hideous, but maybe thats what they were going for. Kendall has a face like a mask and the personality of a doorknob. Were her mother not insane, she'd be gone. I don't know what the hope is for her, entertainment career wise. I don't care about the minis. The moms are coming in too hot. It's taken Jill years to get this delusional and frustrated. You can't just start at batshit and expect us to hook in. Is Abby going to the slammer IRL? I wish she'd get going.

Who gives a shit about these "solos" done in abandoned school auditoriums weekend after weekend? They go to one of these dubiously-sponsored competitions every week. Like, beyond the worthless trophy/title they always seem to win, what is the point to this? Just go to auditions. Jessalyn's picture should be next to the phrase "lipstick on a pig." Ain't no amount of makeover in that shotgun to distract from that face, dear. Pau-La. it completely tracks that these dizzy broads think such an insipid display is the height of creativity. Obnoxious, trying too hard, dimly educated, untalented, speech impeded. Seems fairly close to Jojo. What an actress. The mini-moms look like what got caught on a rake when dragging the bad side of a nowhere town for fools. Nia and Kendall and their hideous beast mothers are just sad now. To push their awkwardly smiling, perpetually nervous in front of sixty people spawn to compete with talent on an international level is cruel. Of course they don't have any self-esteem! How could they? And the moms just don't have a second to help with make-up but sure seem to sit around and bitch a lot. Is it normal for parents to just sit and watch their kids rehearse? Seems weird to me.

It's hard for me to have sympathy for anybody on any side of any equation in this because they're all so messed up. The US men are warped beta wrecks; the US women reveal the truth in, "I try to think of a man, then I take away reason and accountability." Ugh, Chantel and the guy who thinks why bother to learn English in America. Drunk club trash in her whore's best is pretty much the lowest a person can be, in my eyes, so enough there. Ha! Nigerian prince. Some people really do exist in crushing loneliness and desperation. Sad. Not an Anfisa fan. She'd slit a baby's throat for a dollar, and she's too busted to make the inability to boil water cute. Though I could just as easily picture her in pieces in a dumpster. I doubt even Jorge could deal with that nonsense for years, and once she has the first (? dubious) kid she's done. She is heartless, but also poor and stupid. So any leverage is short-lived. Matt is a repressed weirdo. Are we sure his previous wives aren't entombed in the walls of his house somewhere? I'm pretty sure he cries during sex, and he seems the type to corner his teen daughter's friend in a dark garage and ask increasingly inappropriate questions as he inches toward her with an open beer in his hand so he can blame the devil's nectar later. But, you know, Alla is the problem, according to his "friends" who clearly want little to do with him at all. What a dinner party! Short a Hungryman dinner and actual tears, could it have been worse? Nicole just has nothing going for her. This cheating story seems like a delusion designed to imply others are interested in her for more than a passport. For as religious as he is, he certainly doesn't blink at this godless monster in jean shorts. She's kind of rapey. She knows damn well he doesn't want to touch her. I picture the sex trade abductors from Taken waiting at the airport, seeing Nicole whale outside, and getting in the car instantly and turning their lives around for the better.

I think with this decision Alaska may have opened the door for her own elimination. If she goes to the bottom, I think another queen could send her out on the argument that Alaska ceased to make it be about performance, but competition. I think Alyssa would boot her, for sure.

I can't wait for the reunion episode. If Sheriffs Tweedledee and Tweedledum say anything other than they're gatekeepers on a cage and nothing else, they're fucking morons. I mean, is it wrong to assume they watch the actual show they are on? It's actually pretty close to the south of the border hells you get on Locked Up Abroad. Some things (showers, TV) explicitly seem structured to incite power structures/conflict. They're unaware their COs are completely lazy and disinterested? How hard is it to check the trays from where that crazy bitch gets her nightly supply of weed and pills? Even a trash can fire elicits no response. Carrie White unleashing a telekinetic firestorm on the place would likely be quelled with a vague comment that a guard might be by later some time. I want Jon Taffer from Bar Rescue to rush in and start screaming at them, "You know it's shit and you do nothing! You're a fucking moron!" I suggest they put a cage or window in the pod and post a guard there round the clock so the inmates know a guard can always see them, not this video feed that apparently gets shut off in favor of sleep or late night infomercials. This panopticon approach doesn't work because the inmates have learned they aren't being watched. That wouldn't cost much compared to the waste this government pit no doubt runs through. Bump up the e-cig/cookie price 2 bucks to pay for it. Lack of funding gets them some slack from me, but not much. Not everything needs a million dollar, three year plan. And even little things can make a big difference when the situation is so base. I wish they would tell us about the money aspect. It makes their staying a little more realistic than, "I really want to help fix this unsupervised gulag." Zach is shockingly unsympathetic since he just did this and knows his wife isn't a law enforcement type. Interested to see if their reunion next week kicks him into shape.

I loved Alyssa taking Phi to task post mirror. Alyssa did specifically say during the Phi meeting she didn't want to talk about the others in the bottom 3, but about herself, and Phi claimed just the opposite. At least from what we were shown, Phi is the jackass here. If people really were threatening her, not cool. But I wouldn't want to go to a bar Phi was at just because I think she'd be a mean bitch. Typing that, I realized Phi is the one who reads most as his male talking head to me, whereas the other queens I think of their drag self as the primary. WTF was Ginger talking about wanting to eliminate herself for Katya? Glad she didn't come back, even though I like her. Tati is amazing. I was hoping Ru would keep them both after that throw down. Roxy again saved by the Rolaskatox alliance that totally doesn't exist. Its definitely between Alaska and Tati for me.

Just wanted to add that if a Lilly type does get hurt in this ridiculousness, she goes out on a medical leave and possibly permanent disability, which we pay for, of course. This prison really is a model for government waste and uselessness, guards and inmates alike.

I doubt most of these kids could successfully be a file clerk, let alone herd hardened criminals. Lilly gets more ridiculous each week. She can't even count and looks like she'd be overwhelmed by a subway map. Who in good conscience hires these children? Their safety appears to rely mainly on the good graces/self-control of the inmates. So much for post riot change.

Between the pig and Cate, Tyler's apparently getting into livestock farming (sorry, couldn't resist!). I'm so glad my mom wasn't some junkie whore growing up and would happily smack the shit out of me if I smoked weed in front of her, car or no. Maci and her product-placement destination wedding in swamp country. In October. It's a little precious to have such a production when she's on her second kid with this guy already. I would definitely raise an eyebrow to that invitation and wonder what's wrong with the church down the street and if they wouldn't have her. Is there any animal now that doesn't qualify as a "rescue?" I thought people weren't supposed to buy animals from pet shops like that specifically because they aren't "rescues." Whatever. Im not surprised Farrah always seems on the verge of shaking apart like a space shuttle on reentry. Literally everything in her life is a chaotic mess. Of her own making, but still.

I agree with that diagnosis. Whining about not finding your very own personal echo chamber on the Internet where you want one to be is quite foolish. Especially when there are sites that sell themselves as echo chambers for this type of myopic, double standard perspective. Again, Paulie sucks, no doubt, and for a variety of real reasons, but those women lost because of the game they played/choices they made for themselves. Full stop. Being a man's puppet/doormat is what they chose. Happily! Z and B loved it while it was working. Much like Natalie's baseless claims of harassment, it instantly becomes totally and unacceptably wrong the moment it didn't. Had the jurors played better/made different choices they might have done better in the competition. But now Paulies the bad guy because they chose something that didn't get them the desired results and he talked about boobs. That's where the undercurrent of "But we're only women! How dare a man not take action to save us from our feeble female minds and the choices we gladly made at the time!" comes from. It's a hypocrisy designed to absolve all "strong" women as victims and cast all men as predatory. If that's one's view of the genders, fine, but don't try and tell me that's what feminism, or anything, should actively be trying to achieve. And why can't men speak on their perceptions of feminism, or anything, either positively or negatively? Isn't one of the feminist drumbeats about wanting women's voices to be heard on all issues, not just the "women's issues" so labeled by the patriarchy? So, women should have that ability, but men shouldn't? Sticking fingers in ears and screaming "no contrary opinions" is a great way to protect a sick herd, not be an actual activist advancing any cause, feminist or otherwise, in any meaningful way. If one doesn't want "to sit here and read what you boys think of Feminism" maybe that person should educate themselves by reading a wider range of female Feminist perspectives than the perpetually assaulted commenters at Jezebel and messed up famewhores like Natalie. Opposing female perspectives are plentiful. Maybe then you can trick yourself into thinking you are open-minded? Like Bridgette, maybe you no feminist so good.

Paulie has a truly awful poker face. You can read every thought and reaction clear as day. Frank's puppet who speaks like a child without a shred of confidence or conviction being a feminist is laughable, but I guess that's what even educated young women today believe feminism is all about, sadly? Merely getting a man to listen to you and a gaggle of mug-clinking shrews is empowerment? Paulie is a mean little asshole, for sure, but from what I saw Z willingly made herself his doormat, as did Bridgette, whenever the "cute" (ick to both!) boy glanced their way/told them they were special/better than the rest of "those girls." I don't think feminism is about treating men as badly or worse than feminists claim men treat women, or about infantilizing women by blaming their results on a man/circumstances/privelege/whatever imaginary culture is offensive to the victim-peddling groupthink this week. Bridgette's version of feminism reminds me of that Roseanne episode where she sees the 1950s version of herself. "But I'm only a woman!" "God! Leave her, Dan!" Day is a straight up bitch. She's done very poorly and won nothing two seasons now, and I would've given it back to her a lot harder than "catty" if she was cackling and hair flipping in my face like that. Again, Paulie sucks, but there are no heroes in that jury house. Or the actual house. Also, I find Victor just ick! (Icktor?) But to each his/her own.

Dr. Drew and Jezebel! That may be an intertwining of wrongheaded stupidity I can't read until after I've had my coffee. So Tyler is as gay as the day is long, right? He dreams of open concept houses and is married to a whale who makes Debbie Downer look like Redfoo. He's so beta, any woman (or man) who wasn't a total sadsack would run him like a roller coaster. I guess he comes off as smart to his guttertrash family that has the collective education to maybe read Charlottes Web? What lowlifes. And the relentlessly cloying crew! What have you been up to? Not a goddamn thing. Rotting until you come back and pay us some more to rot on camera. I would literally end my life. I would rather clean toilets by tongue than have to feign interest in the thoughts and feelings of garbage like Butch and Tyler, while standing in their open concept sham marriage life of perpetual misery/drug abuse/whatever. Kill me. Farrah's sad podcast: Talk about the bowels of the entertainment industry! She's reading a sheet of paper, interviewing her cameramen, and needs to look like a whore for an audio broadcast. Now this is a smart professional! Please. Her stories of pay checks and investments are about as real as Maci's tales of surprise pregnancies. Amber obvs. needs to ditch Matt but these dizzy broads are so concerned with image (ha!) that they continue with this nonsense. I still feel bad for Gary's wife whenever she shows up. Talk about having given up on life. I don't think any of these girls would be living these awful lives with gay husbands, con artist house flippers, and clown-boobed hookers without the cameras. I get they make more money here than their bloodlines have seen in generations, but they also fail to realize they're all miserable and trapped by nothing! I honestly don't think at this point there's much that could raise or lower my esteem for any of them in any significant way. I fully expect all of them to achieve nothing and have more kids and present them as their achievements and never anything more. Do even they expect to achieve anything more?

See, I view him as a shrewd child and seriously don't think he's making the moon and the stars or even chicken scratch selling bobble heads and T-shirts on a website tied to an aging cable show. I know many people who graduated from top universities who are dumb as all hell. He wanted to be an actor and applied to be on The Real World. Not exactly hedge fund material/let's set Wall Street on fire. And I'm not sure any person who could support themselves would take part in this shitshowfor so long on top of it. There's a reason nobody else has ever done this except him. A net worth search values John at 200K, Wes at 500K. Granted, nobody really knows what one spends, but it does track what is earned.

Coming back to add I loved Sarah threatening to strip nude in a studio lobby. "You can't air it!" Guess she forgot she already demeaned herself for nothing with that strip naked mission this season. They aired that. She'll be a great teacher and role model for youth, for sure!

I'm sort of unclear here. If you're talking about Wes, I think that likely is true. If you're talking about Johnny, I don't think that is remotely true. Wes has slammed John for having his mom pay his rent in a past season. And on this reunion Wes said Johnny would be working fast food and be dead broke at 40. Even if a joke, there's some truth behind every yada yada. Besides bar appearances, I'm not sure I've ever heard of John having any ambition beyond a failed acting dream in all of his seemingly infinite seasons. I think Johnny's main "job" is being on The Challenge/gym training when he's not on the show. If I were a producer who had to wrangle/sympathize with these loons, I would be very depressed. And what was that Vince/Camila thing? Was the implication she was waiting to have sex with John? Or that Vince had sex with her and was then offering John the opportunity as well? Either option is...distressing.

Watched one minute of reunion. Hilarious and amazing how warped some of these people are straight from jump. - Sarah: we are clapping because you left with exactly the prize we feel you earned: nothing. Oof. That Instagram essay is blaring expression of doesn't get it. Someone above called it. She did the Cheyenne talk it off camera so the cool kids wouldn't turn on her. To think she worries about what the camera sees so much, and this is the carefully Sarah-cultivated impression we are left with! A warts and all look must shock the conscience. - What exactly is this investment in his future John's talking about? Oh, absolutely nothing and he'll broke in two years? Got it.

The best part for me is that Sarah could've stood on that stump until hell is a skating rink, and production still would've said John won. How convenient the night round was two points, a round the contestants had no way to verify who won. John has "earned" victories in the past. This is not one of them. Really nobody else ever had a chance. I hope this is his swan song and productions parting gift. Sarah got exactly what she earned.

Cheyenne's right. They did cross a line, but it was production and it was when Vince ran at Devin, security stepped in (because Vince knew they would, of course), and Devin was pushed back. Beyond all of the clear and obvious advantages afforded BaNoNuts this season, they are now allowing the NoNuts crew physically intimidate contestants. The obvious implication of such an act is "what will happen next to when security isn't right here?" Gross. Just inexcusable. And this probably wasn't even half of that fight we saw. Sarah's smug, satisfied smile during that whole scene was disgusting! I wanted to slack her desperate, cloying mug. Wes told her point blank it could be her BaNoNuts made miserable this season. And she agreed! Gross behavior for an adult to a. Perpetrate and b. Witness silently. I wouldn't want Sarah teaching anything anywhere, and something tells me she won't be. And singing us the sad song of Jenna the next day! Getting yelled at for being a two-faced bitch. Poor Jenna. Fuck off, show! Even a scumbag like Zach doesn't want her and neither do I. ugh. I hate this show.

"Congrats, Dario! You beat Bananas!" Teej says with surprise. Even the host of this show doesn't think any other team has a chance! Nate saying he wants 3rd is pathetic. To Bananas/Vince, of all people. Jesus. Christina's answers did strike me as consistently bizarre, though. And she did tell Nate at the club she wanted to go home, so it's not so insane that he thought she might've intentionally screwed them (though I don't think she did). Nicole is definitely smarter than she initially appeared, and Dario is far dumber than he initially appeared, which is quite a goddamn achievement. She won't be cracking the atom anytime soon, but for this house of dips, I'm fairly impressed. None of the drunk douches there are hot. I'd probably choose Wes. He gets a bad rap, but he used to be the hot guy, no? Am I misremembering? Perhaps. Cory has all the makings of a hot guy, but he just seems kind of classless to me. I think it's the jacked up teeth. Nate is attractive but his relentless positivity would grate. Every season Wes' revolution falls apart for just this reason: Bananas offers an in-power Wes ally a spot under Bananas' wing, and that team takes it, and I can't think of one team for who that has ever worked. But the reason they always agree is because he's the only lock to be there every season! Wes voted him in 5 years ago and it's still a grudge. Another way the show is tilted for him. Why, perpetually, I have no idea. Pretty sad that the big cliffhanger is a plastic trinket being pulled from a bag, but perfectly fitting.

This season is the pits. It doesn't even feel like a competition production has it so slanted for BaNoNuts. It's like a RW house where people leave and he gets money at the end. For the life of me, I just cannot understand why production feels he is so vital to the show. The ratings are so bad as a whole there's no way he brings any type of meaningful bump to this. It makes me wonder if he has some dirt on someone (Tonya-related?) that they have to keep him. Sarah seems to have absolutely no integrity to me, and I'm not even talking about the game/show. I'm talking as a person. Her identity shifts to fit whatever camera is in front of her. It's not endearing and is quite sad, actually. She always had that hollow, shell of a person thing happening, but it's definitely tipped to actively awful. I'm glad Trishelle left her ass last rivals. Nany has this same "realization" every season where she catches the snap that Bananas views her as the useless show pump, just like the viewers do. She hides it okay behind that big smile, but I think there is something mentally wrong with her. Not sure if it's just that's she stupid and frustrates easily, but the mood swings/rapid speech she falls into raises red flags. Not that I care, of course. She's Buffalos problem. She should be almost done, though. Even an insane person can only lose so many times before they fill out that application at Target. Curious, what job did Vince hold down before last year? And if Jenna actually fucked him IRL, I no longer have any sympathy for her in the Zach situation. There are two sides to every story. He is a jackass, but she is also a common denominator there. Wes is cool. Everyone else is on a slow, painful barge to their parents' basements.