NinjaPenguins

She was practically preparing Jack for that possibility today. I can totally relate to Ashley and her being in Diane hell. Try being in Buttbiscuit hell weekday afternoons or, equally as distasteful, Nick hell. Dog, these business intrigue stories are so dumb. Oops, Tucker left out some hard copies of Jabot financials. Devon calls someone and gets the scoop on Audra after hearing her and Tucker’s bone tone. Okay, the latter is kinda funny, but if all it takes is a call to dig up the student loan thing… like does anyone do any due diligence?

Phyllis: Waaah. Why is Summer making these choices? Daniel explains. Phyllis: If all that’s true, then why is Summer making these choices? The art of listening is lost on our dear Phyllis. Jack is now playing the role of Mr. Manners. I think it was JsNana who pointed out that Diane is very skilled in telling her audience at the time exactly what they want to hear, and she was piling it high and deep for Jack. Then the poor fool has some kind of pterodactyl lurking outside his window, bony wings pressed to the glass, face cracking like an egg. He just can’t win. It must be a national day of telling off. Lily fired Audra, Devon told her to get lost, Audra told Devon about himself, Devon and Tucker exchanged unpleasantries, Ashley blew off Tucker and now Tucker somehow ends up with the worst punishment of all. Find some energy and run like hell, bro.

You guys don’t enjoy Summer and Kyle fighting over who has the worse mother? It’s kind of unfair, though, because Summer will always win. I must admit, I never saw their relationship going from semi-incestuous to a series of “your mom” insults. Nice swerve, writers! I hate what they’re doing with Jack. Haaate. Being a fussbudget on the sidelines while Diane springs her trap is such a thankless storyline. boes, what a charming childhood photo of Billy! I believe Buttbiscuit was his stage name and he was operated via foot in ass. Did Sally go banana boating in an effort to pass the kid off as Nick’s?

All the interesting stuff happens off screen. What they leave out of the show would make an excellent show. I beg to differ. He needs it. Ideally from me.

I have to mute Nick and Sally scenes. I just CANNOT with their nasty, awkward relationship. Too bad I can’t be arsed to turn off the closed captioning. Nick is the perfect man like Buttbiscuit has pinhole nostrils. I’d honestly rather watch an hour of Lily and Billy wallowing In misery next to each other than have my eyeballs sullied for five seconds by Nick’s “afterglow.” You know, instead of this tiresome sting operation against Jeremy Stark, I’d rather watch he and Diane go on criminal capers all over Genoa City. Of course, all the daring, exciting con games happened off screen and all the audience gets is vague remembrances of past frauds, Jack grimacing and Summer & Kyle whining their way towards a divorce. Zzzz. Climb Chance like a tree, Sharon. You just don’t pass up an opportunity like that. What an oddly drab Friday episode.

I, for one, appreciate this show’s modern approach to empowering women. For decades, Victor has reigned supreme as THE loathsome, controlling, narcissistic demon parent, leaving generations of dysfunction and dingleberries in his wake. Finally, a woman has been elevated to his tyrannical heights, freely making dogshit demands of her spawn after lying to them, stealing from them and springing one’s rapist from prison. Phyllis Summers, a beacon of progress, ladies and gentlemen. Believe it or not, I once liked Phyllis. I shipped Jack and Phyllis hard. While Phyllis and Nick had sexual chemistry, for me, it didn’t cover for how breathtakingly awful their affair really was. Nick cheating on his grieving wife after their daughter died and forming a new family around a new miracle dotter that Phyllis never failed to rub in Sharon’s face grossed me out. Then I waited years for the payoff that Summer was actually Jack’s, but Nick couldn’t be shown as the turd he truly is so that story ended like most of Nick’s evenings, with a wet fart. Summer and Kyle did think they were siblings for a while, so them being married is kind of ick. Not everyone in the audience forgets, show. Another vote for ending the Stark storyline. I mean, keep Jeremy around; he’s interesting, but like others have said, this whole Diane scheme to neutralize him is sad and embarrassing. Let’s just skip to Phyllis gloating all over town, wings and gums a’flapping. If we’re lucky, her victory tour will wind down by July.

A soap opera presenting a not skinny woman as desirable, sexually active and worthy of being romanced is a rare sighting indeed. As a plus sizer, I’m pretty sure my role in life is comic relief and being the “talk to” for people actually in a relationship. At least according to the daytime dramas I grew up watching. I must say though, Traci dodged a pasty, whispering, liver-lipped bullet not getting involved with Cane. He rivals Nick and Billy in dickheadedness. I think Summer left Phyllis on Daniel’s front step, knocked and ran like hell. Imagine his disappointment when he discovered kids hadn’t delivered a bag of flaming dogshit.

Well, well, well. We got some folks here putting the idea of a Nick/Sally child out into the universe. Why stop there? Let’s ride this clown car right over a cliff! Perhaps Summer can fall into bed with Billy again and pop out a little croissant. I can see it now…

It was so magnanimous of smarmy Banana Boy to agree to honor Sally’s wishes and GTFO. So gallant is our hero that he doesn’t even reveal to Sally that it’s his birthday, lest she try to put on a brave face. Lucky Sharon got to celebrate the day Nikki let the ape escape. Nick trying to sell his relationship with Sally as super awesome and fun was somehow less convincing than Connor’s declaration that Billy is cool. Lily, take my advice. If you love a Buttbiscuit, set it free. If ‘twas meant to be, it will slime its way back into your life during a time of acute emotional distress when you’re the most vulnerable. Jack lurking at the restaurant had all the subtlety of the transition from Sally’s “it’s complicated” scene to an Adam scene. And so much grimacing! There better be some Phyllis implosions, otherwise I’m not here for Jack and Diane attempting another ill-fated relationship. I didn’t care about Danny when he was a big thing decades ago, and, as it turns out, nothing has changed. I’m sure front row seats to one of his concerts are really hard to get. 🙄 Oh well, at least Tracy was happy, though I was a little uncomfortable with Lauren razzing her. Chloe, stop pumping Nick’s tires all the time. If he’s so fucking great, find a drop cloth and have yourself a banana split. His children may be cute, but they eventually develop into, well, turds. We’ve all watched Summer over the years.

Lol@Summer telling Diane not to underestimate her again. What a knob. Nate and Devon are both world champion grudge holders, it seems. I respect the commitment to a good grudge, but that could just be my feelings toward Buttbiscuit talking. Today was a tad dull, tbh.

Noah’s been reading a thesaurus. He doesn’t like to talk about it because his dad always insists they’re extinct.

Nick, you see everything through the eyes of a child. It’s you. You’re the child. I’ve got news for his baby boy Noah too - you don’t have a vibe. Tessa and Mariah can only class that place up and add a sparkle you couldn’t generate with a glitter factory at your disposal. Here’s an interesting idea. Instead of having everyone talk about the wonderful, exciting Christmas Eve Nick is giving Christian, show the audience. Perhaps that’s too artsy and groundbreaking for the writers of this nonsense. It is nice to watch a couple that doesn’t make me queasy when they flirt. Love in the afternoon doesn’t have to be creepy! Who knew? I found the dream sequence really clunky and saccharine. Admittedly, I have an extremely low tolerance for sentimentality. Was Buttbiscuit in the cemetery during the previews? Cause he looked like he just crawled out of a grave.

You know, thinking about Nick getting hemorrhoids really puts me in the holiday spirit. I’m leaning toward Victoria on this. Johnny’s “lead” about Chelz is being heavily influenced by Buttbiscuit and guilt. If he’s having fun hanging out with his cousin, that’s one thing, but it seems like Billy and Chelsea are trying to manipulate something more. It was awfully nice of Lady Bountiful to graciously invite Victoria to join her own child at the table though. What a sport.

Billy is such a delusional fucktaco. Nice brother-sister energy Sally and Nick had going on today. Smoking hot. Speaking of which, what a heartwarming scene with Summer, Kyle, Diane and little Horatio Hornblower all gushing over how this is the MOST MAGICAL, MOST SPECIAL, DREAM COME TRUE Christmas ever. Yes, Summer, the Newmans sure do know how to do Christmas. Nikki, ever the loving wife, spikes Krampus’ eggnog with Metamucil while Nick armpit farts Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer for the kids. Jack is my all time favorite character on this show, but if I was Jeremy Stark, I’d just hang out in Genoa City finding new ways to roll the guy for cash. Come on, man. Oh, a Newman knocked someone up again? Zzzzzzz.

I am daid, and this is the murder weapon. You know, honestly, I would like to pretend that Tara doesn’t exist. If we could erase the whole stupid, pointless “SCANDAL OF THE YEAR!” Kyle Abbott banged a MILF and knocked her up story from the timeline, that would be fan-fucking-tastic. The set-up happened entirely off screen, and we were supposed to give a flying intercourse on a mobile toroid pastry about the fallout. Send Theo the Human Oil Slick back to GC long enough to claim Harrison. You know he hit that. Ah, Chelsea and Billy. The magic that happens when two deeply dysfunctional people merge their supermassive egos and personality disorders is something to behold. They’ve created a black hole of obsession and toxicity that will suck their children in, all so they can feel good about themselves. Their behavior and entitlement are revolting. I will never believe Audra had a miscarriage. There’s no friggin’ way she and Noah didn’t bore each other catatonic during foreplay.

To be both repellent and boring at the same time is just the kind of achievement Nick stumbles ass backward into with an effortless, charmless grace. Sally is giving it her all to sell this shit sandwich of a pairing like it’s a prime rib dinner with her happy clappy talk about being in a good place with NO DRAMA. Unfortunately, I still see poop squished between two slices of banana bread. Nick and Sally should take it so slow they end up in reverse. Speaking of repellent, I see we were meant to endure yet another banal day in the life of Chelsea Lawson. All that was missing was an extended scene of Chloe and Chelz chatting about the weather. Lol@ Chloe admitting she pulled some heinous shit and trying to apologize for it and Chelsea being all “no, no, this is my apology tour, biatch! It’s all about meeeee.” Not a good day (for me anyway) when I find myself nodding along with Victor as he mumbles something sensible. Adam, you big dummy, it doesn’t matter if Chelsea intended to upset everyone’s apple cart or not. Intent is not magic. Do you really need to inflict her on Johnny the first Christmas after she dropped her truth bomb on him? Boundaries, man.

I’m still feeling compassion for Summer. Sweet fancy nostrils, Phyllis is a garbage person and a garbage parent. She’s reminding me of her behavior during the Lucy custody debacle; it doesn’t matter that her child has been hurt and she’s causing collateral damage. All that matters is Phyllis wins. Daniel is a goddamned fool to forget what a narcissistic steamroller his mother is. Devon was kind of a smirky dick today, but Daniel’s idea is bad and he should feel bad, so… keep on smirking, Devon. Can you believe we were treated to a scene of Billy and Chelz watching a movie and eating popcorn with no dialogue? We must be the luckiest audience in the world. All so Buttbiscuit could glance at Chelsea and see tears shining in her eyes. It’s all so meaningful. No one ever cries during It’s a Wonderful Life, so it’s a good thing Lord Flatass was there for support. Jack and Kyle, I don’t think you mentioned that DIANE IS GONE enough times to persuade Stark. Jack should have gone alone. Never send a Bouffant to do a Swoosh’s job. The worst part is that Kyle thinks he was convincing and put one over on Stark. Lily nailed Billy’s pancake posterior to the wall when she observed that he thinks he’s the only one who knows what’s good for Chelsea. Adam may ooze misery, but that’s better than what oozes out of Beely’s twin tunnels of despair. I don’t know what it is, but I get such a kick out of Tucker’s sort of world weary, laconic, slightly befuddled way. He makes that low energy shit work. Take notes, Noah.

Here’s an even better idea! How ‘bout A Christmas Carol starring Chelsea Lawson? Wouldn’t that be amazing? Buttbiscuit could be all three ghosts, giving us six supernaturally large nostrils in one episode. Noah: “It all happened so fast!” I bet he’s heard that from both Audra and Allie.

Yes, Phyllis, everyone has lost their damn mind, starting with you. The pure, uncut narcissism on display should be diluted with something, perhaps a flicker of self-awareness, a glimmer of discomfort. With Phyllis, it’s just straight up, radioactive self-absorption delivered with all the warmth of a yeti’s ass. I started to feel sorry for Summer. For Summer! That ain’t right. I would like to watch an hour of Adam just heckling people from the bar. Nick and Sally are still gross AF. He just comes across as skeevy when he’s plying her with his, uh, romantic charms. And Sally looked like she’d just tasted a fart when she told Adam that she and Banana Breath had decided to see each other. Nikki has always chosen fine, upstanding partners, so she can judge Sally without coming across as a hypocritical asshole. What a relief. Sharon pursued a degree in psychology so she could listen to chuckleheads like Chelsea blither blather self-help pablum? I can certainly see how that would be rewarding! She should ask Billy to share his fascinating odyssey through finding his bliss if navel gazing turns her crank. Seriously tho, Phyllis was totally off the chain today. A sack of rattlesnakes would have reacted to Summer with more humanity.

What an electric episode, just crackling with intrigue! All those banal scenes and conversations with Chelz… man, I can’t wait until Friday. Imagine the cliffhanger possibilities. Will Chelsea put whole milk or skim on the grocery list? It’s time for new throw pillows; does she go traditional, mid century modern or art deco? Maybe Adam will drop in with advice! Connor can nervously support his mother’s retail decisions in the sad hope she’ll keep chirping excitedly like a coked out squirrel, because hey, at least she’s happy. Thankfully, Chelsea didn’t hog all the thrills. Listening to Daniel and his idiot sister wax stilted on parenting was a true adrenaline rush. A substance free, insight free conversation with all the charm of soggy bread, it should have been as short as Lauren’s dress. Nikki sure was feeling herself, as if she’d just saved Genoa City from the Joker or something. Get the fuck over yourself, lady.

I’ve always liked Devon, save for that annoying quirk he has of not respecting other people’s marriages. Natey Nate Nate was coming in too hot too soon to have that level of conversation. I absolutely love Jack, save for his addiction to giving the assholes who hurt him second, third and fourth chances. While I certainly prefer Diane to her three tormentors, come on, man. Wouldn’t it be great if the show was less predictable and not destined for another sad trip down the same old story paths? Nick gets to gorilla hump any beautiful woman who accidentally steps on his dragging knuckles and knock her up, winning 99% of the paternity sweepstakes (can’t believe they haven’t retconned Christian’s parentage yet). That’s where we’re headed, right? Same old Nick Newman WTD plot, different lady. Need we wonder where the Stark stuff is going? He’ll be just diabolical enough to menace some townsfolk, become inexplicably obsessed with the Newmans, outwit Victor’s crack addled security team and wind up in a shallow grave beneath Chancellor Park. OR he’ll somehow vindicate Phyllis bringing him to town and we’ll be treated to weeks of her cackling in deranged triumph. Maybe somehow both can happen! It’s hard to get excited about a new bad guy or heavy hitter when you know they’re predestined for failure.

Imagine being assigned a member of Victor’s crack security team. You’d feel as safe as a pair of sweatpants when Nick feels like freeballing.

You guys, Jack was honestly just trying to help Phyllis. When you’re as full of shit as she is, getting torn a second asshole can really make life easier. I can’t with Nick and Sally and, therefore, I won’t. Welcome to fast forward. Stop trying to tell me Nick Newman’s banana milkshake brings all the girls to the yard, show. This guy needs to be naked to count to 20 and a half, for crissakes. Since we’re all confessing, I’ll admit to feeling a twinge of sympathy for Chelsea. Imagine almost taking a fatal plunge, being bear hugged off the ledge by a nostril with legs and then having what looks to be the local undertaker knock on your door. The way Buttbiscuit just inflicts himself on people, places and situations is just a bit much. I like Tucker, but I do not care about his sexytimes with Audra. A rack is not a replacement for an interesting personality. Phyllis, big douche or biggest douche?

As always, boes, you have the recipe for success. Moar Chelsea is exactly what this show needs. She should take over Crimson Lights, become the head of Newman Media and design inquisitor robes for Nikki, Phyllis and Ashley. All the children in Genoa City will clamor to be adopted by this maternal goddess. At the center of daytime’s first love octagon as she’s pursued by Buttbiscuit, Banana Butt, Adam, Devon, Jack, Nate and Chance? You guessed it - Chelsea Lawson. ’Tis comforting to know that no matter which actor plays her, Summer is forever and always a huge twit. She comes by it naturally though, as evidenced by her psychotic mother swanning into the Abbott manse and dropping a stark turd into the punchbowl with her mouth all twisted up in a weapons grade smug smirk. Not so fun working with Phyllis now, is it, ladies?

They both work at Newman, last I checked. As a longtime gamer, I feel like Daniel’s corny ass concept won’t fly. There are a number of reasons I play video games, and exactly none of them are self-improvement. I had to mute some of today’s show, man. Phyllis is such a passive aggressive asshole. How I wanted Lily to plant a sock full of nickels in her deranged Jokeresque smile. Then you have her faildaughter, carrying her lovely grudge against Sally for, you know, setting her up in the plush career she currently enjoys. Love to see Phyllis and Summer walk in on Daniel and Sally enjoying a smoking hot one night stand. (Well, not really. Sally belongs with Adam, but I want some faces cracked) Billy and his twin tunnels of despair calling up Chelsea repeatedly like a junkie trying to reach his crack dealer is not gripping TV. It is heartwarming, though, to see Chelz only needed a couple of weeks to go from jumping off the jabalcony to effortlessly offering her son parental pearls of wisdom. Depression is easy, yo. Chelsea isn’t crazy, but she is a heel. And you know, I’ve always liked Sharon, but girrrl, ain’t no one jealous of Buttbiscuit, especially Adam. Did I mention that Phyllis is the absolute worst and will hopefully be sucked into another dimension the next time Billy inhales deeply?