NinjaPenguins

Sharon had some decent chemistry with Tucker, but he appears to be destined for some dumpster humping with a deranged raptor. And if Ashley moves into the Guacamole Portal, why, there could be no end to the awkward run-ins!

Jack: Adam doesn’t belong here? Kyle: You know it, Dad! Jack: I know one thing - the Buttbiscuit gene clearly comes down through the Abbott line. Kyle: Okay! I’ve been working with Victor. God, you act like I’m messing with the company just because I’ve been feeding your mortal enemy information and undermining your co-CEO! Jack: You lied to my face! Kyle: Not directly! I was looking five inches to the left of you when I denied the accusation. Outside Summer: What are you doing outside this door? You may be the co-CEO, but I’m a jumped up, dimwitted princess who only has this job thanks to your ex-girlfriend’s evil scheme! Adam: Eavesdropping, duh? Summer: You monster. That’s a private conversation. Adam: The pompous pompadour just got his spot blown up. This is some entertaining shit right here. Summer: Nanny nanny boo boo! I’m gonna tell on you. Adam: Sweet. @@@@@@@ Phyllis: Don’t look at me. It makes my panties twitch. Tucker: I do have a way about me. How was Portugal? Lol. Phyllis: Don’t troll me. And stay away from my son. Tucker: You know I’m a devious cad. Why’d you even tell me about the trip? I nearly twisted an ankle running to spill the tea to Daniel. I’m trying to get on his good side. I’d get on yours, but, well… Phyllis: You’ll get on my naked side. In this elevator. In this elevator. Caw caw! Audra: Mad social skillz, dude. Tucker: Whatever. Friends, fuck buddies, business partners… I’m just living the dream, cruising through Genoa City in my turtleneck and putting a hair across the ass of every self-important prick I come across. @@@@@@ Daniel: Yeah, I’m thinking about firing my mom. Lily: Should you be talking dirty to me while you’re sort of in a relationship? @@@@@@ Phyllis: Daniel, this is my new one-woman show “Devastatingly Accurate Portrait of a Malignant Narcissist”. Tell me what you think. Daniel: I think your ass is fired. Phyllis: The fact that both my children have fired me in the past couple of months will lead to a period of deep self-reflection and soul searching. Not!! Daniel: You fucked up my chance to reunite with my family didn’t you? Phyllis: Out of love. @@@@@@@ Victoria: I don’t smile much, so bear with me while I figure out how to tone down the Joker rictus into a more natural “I’d love to see you naked” beam. Nate: No problem. Thanks for letting me sit at the grownups table, by the way. Victoria: My pleasure. Now onward to the foreplay. Let us congratulate each other on the edgy, clever plan of having Audra be nice to Tucker to lure a few morsels of information out of him. Nate: God, the smell of our own farts mingling is intoxicating. Audra: Am I interrupting? Oh my, where’s the Febreze? @@@@@@@ Jack: Why do you keep doubling down on your dick moves, Kyle? And for textile mills? Summer: I, too, want to know. Hurry up, because I need to go buy a year’s supply of Vaseline and hats for you. Kyle: It was one time! You know I’m into oven mitts now. Adam: Eh, I suck. And I feel very strongly that being a weasel-shaped turd should be amply rewarded, so I’m blowing this pop stand. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, you Easter Island head looking motherfucker. @@@@@@ Michael: I love the smell of sulphur and brimstone in the morning. How may I serve, Prince of Lies? Victor: We’re very close to buying every turtleneck in Wisconsin. I feel we should go wholesale, while Victoria is willing to pay retail. Michael: Brilliant. You guys really want to stick it to Tucker, don’t you? Victor: I’m not truly alive… Michael: …unless you’re making ruthless business deals, right? Victor: ‘K Michael: He won’t give up his company without a fight. Victor: (makes fist) My prostate is exactly this big. I am not a man to be trifled with, yougotthat?

Hammertoes and dirty drop cloths were just two of the many highlights of the epic Nick/Sage romance. Let’s not forget our leading man woodenly telling Sage that she was “like a light in the darkness.” I still cringe whenever that memory resurfaces. If Sally thinks she’s the exclusive recipient of Nick’s smooth, eloquent patter, she needs to come correct. Oh! Another incredible moment in the Sack love story was… there was that time she hate fucked stutterbarking Adam… no, I suppose that’s not it. But then - hold on. I know there’s someth- okay, I lied. How I wish the whole show this afternoon was just Jack reading Kyle for filth. I could listen to that shit on a loop all day. And as much as Diane deserves his resentment for abandoning him, when Kyle condescendingly told Summer over the phone that Diane would forget about the job she wanted in a month or so if they just kept putting her off, I wanted nothing more than for someone to sock him in the chops with a halibut.

Well, turnabout is fair play, because you recently went on a killing spree calling Victor a pile of old clothes. I’m still chortling!

Kyle: I care about your feelings, Dad, and I hope Mom doesn’t hurt you. I’m just going to assume my phone is in my pompadour and leave now. Jack: Wait! You didn’t use enough product this morning! @@@@@@ Victoria: I’m so sorry that Lily got tired of your whole man-child shtick. The actual children really liked her. Billy: I failed. And I know it seems odd that I’m so open to confessing my flaws, but any opportunity to talk about me is a horse I’m gonna ride. Victoria: I was jealous of Lily at first. Billy: Really? Victoria: No hair dryer can hold a candle to your nostrils. And if one did, it would be quickly extinguished. Speaking of which, I noticed Chelsea’s hair is looking particularly shiny these days. I guess you’re her hero in more ways than one. Just… take it slow. Billy: Of course. I do everything right in relationships. Victoria: Katie would like a word. @@@@@@ Connor: Mom’s standard for humor has gotten dramatically lower since her dinner with Billy. Adam: Billy? Mr. Hero Complex? He’s always such a dick to me just because I ran over his daughter. Chelsea: It’s my life, okay? Contrary to this show’s antediluvian ethos, I don’t need your permission to go out with a guy. Adam: I didn’t mean to imply that, it’s just that I have to read whatever stupid, sexist shit is in the script. @@@@@@@ Diane: I have worked in real estate and was an accomplished architect before that. I think I’m qualified to lead the Home division at Marchetti. Kyle: Phyllis’ old job? But, Mom, she peed on it! Diane: I know a fantastic nostril based drying system for things like that. Jack: Here’s your phone, you duplicitous high-haired ferret. I can’t even look at you. Kyle: Gotta call Summer. Lol, she’s watching peons labor at a factory. Diane: You’re pissed off, Jack. What happened? Jack: Kyle’s getting texts from Victor about their ongoing scheme to sabotage Adam. He lied to my face. Diane: Maybe you misinterpreted the message? What if they’re just sexting? Jack: I didn’t misinterpret shit, which, by the way, is about to get real. @@@@@@ Adam: Well, well, well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, Nostrildumbass, prophet of gloom. Billy: Ah, my archenemy, Cockblocker von Newman. You have something to say to me? Adam: Indeed I do. You think you’re sooo amazing taking the boys ice skating. I’mma put this on the table, alongside my penis. I’ll find a superior activity for Connor and Johnny to spend the day doing. Those are the apples, how about them? Billy: A bit sour, but I can pretend to be the better man. Go for it. Adam: I shall now go to work, as I feel we are once again uncomfortably close to making out. Billy: Work? Always the elitist, Adam. You and your fancy foreign words. @@@@@@ Kyle: I know, Summer. It’s absolutely ridiculous to give a woman with excellent credentials a job when your mom was recently fired from that job for being a meddling jackass. Make HR decisions based on Phyllis’ feelings or GTFO, I always say. Well, maybe Mom will forget about it in a month, like a toddler with a toy. God, my face felt so… punchable for a second there. Anyways, back to being a jerk on company time! Diane: Kyle, you’re back. Hope you’re wearing asbestos underoos. Bye! Jack: Say, son, how do you feel about the installation of a second asshole? Kyle: Whatever do you mean, father? You seem perturbed, though I cannot imagine it’s directed at me. Jack: Victor thanked you for helping him with the Adam situation. Kyle: I haven’t read the message. Maybe you misunderstood. The dog ate my homework. Victor texted the wrong number! Jack: The fuck is wrong with you? Kyle: Adam doesn’t belong here! He makes me so mad I could poop in a shoe! @@@@@ Victoria: Oh goodness, did I leave a pile of laundry in my chair? Victor: Operation Fuck Tucker is progressing nicely. I’m about to pull the trigger on shorting turtleneck futures. Mwah ha ha! Victoria: I have an update on my project, Operation Fuck Nate. Victor: Later. I must indulge my creepy obsession with Adam. I know how much you enjoy discussing him. Victoria: Let it go, Dad. Adam is so dangerous he might cut your head off! Victor: Icantakecare of myself, k? Back in my youth, a group of villagers once stormed my keep with torches and pitchforks, dragged me outside, staked me through the heart, beheaded me and put me to the flame. Yet here I am. Yougotthat? Victoria: He doesn’t want anything to do with you. He blames you for everything. Victor: He’s my biological property, baby. If I let him go, my manhood will shrivel. I can’t serve your mother raisins when she’s become accustomed to prunes.

I hope she didn’t or next thing you know Phyllis will be humping her next conquest against it. I guess I didn’t miss much while covering for my Covid infected co-workers. Isn’t it weird how the Newman siblings can’t keep their damn hands off their employees? Such a charming family.

Sally: Speak, boy! Who’s a good monkey? Nick: Look, Sally, it’s no secret that I was voted ‘Most Likely to Get My Melon Stuck in a Bannister’ during my senior year in high school. And, like, did you know I sorta stumbled into a bear trap once? Oh man. I was lucky to escape before that bear came back and found my rump ready to roast. Long story short - I did learn that hammertoes are dead sexy. Sally: I simply don’t understand why I radiate such a tragic aura all the time. Nick: Just saying that I might be thick as a brick, but I still figured out that Adam may have won the ol’ Spermathon. Sally: Oh woe is me! Oh, cruel fate! Why would life bless me with a good looking, smart child with someone I have mad chemistry with when I could have a little Summer of my own? Nick: Been here, done that. Got the t-shirt and the kid. How ‘bout I tuck you in with that creepy dad-daughter vibe I’ve perfected? Sally: Should I tell Adam? Nick: Probably. It’ll be less stressful on my sacred seed. @@@@@@@ Jill: Devon is such a dick. Lily: Devil’s advocate, but maybe Devon isn’t a total dick? Like he’s not at the level of dick Nate thinks he is. Jill: Disagree. As a skilled practitioner, Nate is an expert on dick behavior. Lily: I know way too many dicks. Jill: Devon’s dick is currently in a legal vise. He can’t just take his balls and go home. @@@@@@@ Tucker: I’m starting a Genoa City chapter of Soap Opera Pariahs. You in? Adam: Do I get one of those sweet black turtlenecks? Tucker: Slow your roll, junior. This isn’t a black t-shirt of virility, soaking in old man sweat and on paunch patrol. No, this is the uniform of the suave asshole. Let me tell you about some of the charming skullduggery I’ve been perpetrating. Adam: Quality shenanigans, sir. Check this out though; the woman I love is dating a family member. She’s probably waiting for him to club a mammoth and drag it back to the cave as we speak. Nick: Woah. My ears are burning. Anyhoo, look at you two reprobates hanging out. Oh, and before I forget, thanks for that word of the day calendar, Adam. Tucker: If you ever need a back up surrogate father when Jack’s out of town, call me, bud. Adam: Well, big brother, since we’re getting along, what’s up with Sally? She always looks like she just sucked a warm mayonnaise popsicle. You didn’t show her your X-rated shadow puppet show Jurassic Prick, did you? Nick: How dare you. That was special between Sage and me. @@@@@@@ Tessa: Baby. Baby? And also, baby. Mariah: Baby. Baby names. Baaaayyybbbbyyy. Tessa: Sometimes I think we’re on a different, better show. Baby. @@@@@@ Daniel: I’m kinda stressed out these days, Devon. Could be your dickishness is the cause. Devon: Is this about your trite, creatively bankrupt gaming idea being on hold because I realized the IPO is dumb as shit? Daniel: If you just give Lily everything she wants, my Super Mario Bros. meets Up With People ripoff can hit the market. It’s my life. That and my kid. Devon: You don’t know the whole story, big guy. I’m starting to think you want to get into my sister’s unmentionables, tbh. Lily: Hey. Is there any way I can make things worse? Devon: Come work at my company. We’ll carry on Neil’s legacy that way. Lily: This is just a loyalty test. I don’t fall for dick tricks and don’t you dare bring up Billy. Devon: Family, my ass. Lily: Good news, Daniel! Jill gave Omega Sphere the green light and then lit a big pile of money on fire. Weird but amazing, right?

Billy: Is this waiter trying to get a good tip outta my unemployed ass? Chelsea: Is this a date? We’ve both been around the block so many times we know every crack in the sidewalk, but I’m still so confused. Billy: When I date someone, they know it. And so does their therapist, usually within 24 hours. Chelsea: Come on, Billy. I don’t even know why I tried to end my own life when Victoria’s was right there for the taking. Work with me. Billy: We’re going Dutch. What does that tell you? LOL! Chelsea: What if that server knows us? And tells your family? Billy: You’re right. What I need to do is make a giant ass of myself, call attention to our not-date and imply that the server is an unprofessional motormouth. Chelsea: Nightcap? Billy: Is that what the kids are calling it these days? God, I’m funny. Chelsea: You know me better than anyone. Billy: I saw your soul, Chelsea. I may have even inhaled part of it with my giant nostrils. @@@@@@@@@ Victoria: Hello my fellow professional. I’m giggling and plying you with Scotch to help us think inside my box - outside the box. Natey Nate Nate: Devon never gave me Scotch. He’s too much of a wuss to make a boss move like that. Victoria: Right? They wasted your massive reserve of self regard at Chancellor Winters. They’d never try to destroy Tucker McCall by luring a vague gaming concept into the fold. Nate: The complete lack of innovation is itself an innovation. We can use my secret weapon. Victoria: I thought you’d never offer. Nate: It’s Audra. Victoria: Oh, well, hey, don’t you hate it that people can’t accept what ruthless, successful powerhouses we have to be? Nate: Now you’re talking my love language. @@@@@@@@ Jack: I’m going to be insufferably saccharine for the rest of this episode. Look away, NinjaPenguins. Diane: So, uh, is anyone else here? Are there any Abbotts due home? Where’s the maid tonight? Jack: No, no and out. Why? Diane: Oh, it’s not like I’m going to murder you, bury you behind the pool house and take off with that half million Stark inexplicably left behind. Just curious. Jack: Here, have a priceless family heirloom. It’s a magical emerald necklace of love. I must now fall into my tiresome pattern of moving way too fast with my current lady while plying her with sugary bromides Diane: I just want to enjoy the present. This teardrop shaped present in particular, which will definitely not somehow end up in Jeremy Stark’s vengeful hands. @@@@@@@@@ Nick: It’s me, Sally. Again! Actually I kind of never left. I’ve been living in a maintenance closet and washing my junk with Windex. Sally: *must put on happy face* Nick: I brought snacks. Healthy snacks. As the incubator of my seed, you shall now be treated as the delicate and sacred vessel some of our fossilized audience members believe you to be. Sally: I’m not sure I’m into this whole motherhood thing. Nick: Let’s sit down and talk about this. I’m going to put a “father talking to his daughter” vibe out there. Now, of course you’re into motherhood. All women are. Even if you think you aren’t, you are. I didn’t know shit when Noah was born and look at him now. Sally: I’m sorry. I can’t seem to lose this ‘starring in a hostage video’ expression. Nick: I hear you when you say you’re worried about how a bad childhood might affect your parenting and I’mma rumble right past it all to paint a rosy portrait of baybeez straight out of the 50s. Sally: You’re so amazing. So supportive. So suffocating. Adam: Man, fuck these clowns. Sally: I have to tell you something. It’s about the baby. Nick: Hey, I’m here to carry the burden with you. Did you know that every time some chick has my kid, I house a party pizza, chug some coffee and rip a line of Dulcolax off a mirror, take up residence in the restroom closest to labor and delivery and squeeze out my own seven pounder? Sometimes I name it. Sally: Adam is probably the father. Nick: I don’t mind raising his kids.

I’m genuinely… I don’t know, blown away by the way the biggest jerks in Genoa City talk about certain other residents. You’d think Adam was a war criminal who tortured orphans for sport. He’s done some dark and shady stuff, but Summer and Kyle talk about him like he burns down a nursing home every single day. And how about Diane? You’d think she was a serial killer or a maniac with a vehicular manslaughter fetish. We get it, writers. Having the smack talk come from thoroughly unpleasant jackwagons isn’t as persuasive as you think it is.

Summer: Let’s talk. About how you’re a dick. Victor: That damn Diane Jenkins, getting all entrenched in town. Women like her should be thrown out of an ambulance. Summer: What? Victor: I have an elite intellectual mind, as my discourse on Machiavelli clearly proves. I missed the whole point of The Prince, but thanks for the compliment you didn’t give me. Summer: Your son is a piece of inhuman trash. Victor: There is much truth in what you say. But he’s out of my control and that makes the sack of snakes occupying my skull itchy, k? @@@@@@@@ Adam: Oh, I see we have one of those “Victor is always right” scripts today. Awesome. Chelsea: Sure, Jack is a genuine friend, respects you as a person and businessman, and has given you an excellent position with a great salary, but wouldn’t it be great to jump back into the viper’s nest? Adam: I’m kind of mixed up right now? There’s this supercilious pompadour always up in my grill, you’ve got this creepy fake family with Billy and Johnny and my ex developed a Donkey Kong fetish. Do we really need to posit a hypothetical world where Victor is a saint? Chelsea: Yes! Victor’s actions may look controlling, abusive, toxic and pathological, but what if he’s doing it out of wuv? Adam: And what if Nick flies out of my butt? Oh, speaking of butt, here’s your biscuit now. @@@@@@@ Jack: Kyle, buddy, are you fucking around in my business? Kyle: *raises defensive bouffant* Jack: Victor mixed up in this? Kyle: Waaahhhh! Adam has cooties. Why are you letting him put cooties all over Jabot? Jack: Sit the fuck down and put a pineapple in it. This is big boy business and no one asked you. Kyle: *sulks* Yeah, well, maybe you need to watch it with Mom. Just sayin’. @@@@@@@@ Nikki: Pardon me, Diane, but my fecal matter lacks odor while yours offers a malignant stench. Diane: Interesting, as you’re married to a human toilet. Nikki: Turn Kyle upside down and you could use him to scrub toilets. Diane: Jack and I are having spectacular sex. You and Victor stirring up any dust in his coffin? Nikki: You’re taking advantage of sweet, naive Jack. I, of course, have always been loyal, faithful and dedicated to him during our romantic interludes. @@@@@@@ Chance: I haven’t forgotten about you rich motherfuckers.

Imagine the cheek, the unmitigated gall it takes for Victoria to declare any woman not good enough for her poo-flinging, banana burping oil slick of a brother. Fuck outta here with that. The majority of women are too good for Nick, and even the unlikable trash bags like Phyllis can be said to deserve him. Do tell us, Victoria, who could meet the lofty standards of the smirking skidmark? Where, oh where can we find this ideal woman, a woman willing to laugh at his warmed over Reader’s Digest level dad jokes and be flattered by his relentless, insufferable romantic attentions? If your brother wasn’t conventionally attractive, he’d be on display at a zoo, picking fleas off yet another female who is too good for him. Kyle needs to be launched into orbit courtesy of Jack’s foot. What a little turd.

I had to miss today’s episode because I’m at work. If you can call it work. There’s no one here polishing my apple, my mom hasn’t stopped in to bigfoot all over my projects and not a single bouffant has tried to sabotage me. I do have a co-worker with large hirsute nostrils, so I’m not missing out on my daily portion of Buttbiscuit. I give the edge to Chelsea due to her rapey past. OTOH, Billy is ambulating emotional herpes, so I suppose we’re back to square one. I thought everyone knew about Call of Doody.

Daniel: I’ve only been back in Genoa City a short while, but I still remember the town tradition of shunning those we deem unworthy. Tucker: Your mom. I mean, your mom told me about your lame, cornball gaming idea. I need to make a bad investment for tax reasons. Hear me out. @@@@@@@ Audra: Let us commence with the reciprocal ass kissing. Pucker up, buttercup. Natey Nate Nate: Where has this mutual masturbation thing been all my life? Hot damn. Phyllis: You guys love vague generalities? Have I got a proposal for you! @@@@@@@@ Nick: Ha ha. You can’t escape my attentions even in L.A., Sally. I’m old school. Third grade graduate in fact. Sally: I need to introduce you to Dr. Rick from those Progressive “Are you turning into your parents” commercials. A text would have been fine. Nick: I like the Geico ads with the lizard. Tally ho, pip pip, wot? Sally: I might need to move. Nick: I’d support you, of course, because I’m a nice guy. You can tell by my paternalistic health advice that you never asked for. Sally: I’m going to stay in Genoa City, naturally. I belong there. With you. No, there’s no reason my line delivery is best described as ‘depressive monotone’. @@@@@@@@@ Billy: Hey! Nate and Audra discovered this whole blowing smoke up each other’s log flume thingy. Shall we? Lily: For a few awkward minutes anyway. I really gotta get some posturing in with Tucker. Billy: That’s fine. I need to shade Kyle and Summer about how suspicious the whole Stark arrest was. Save a good burn for Nate. I might do a little performative slagging of him in front of you later, so soften him up for me. @@@@@@@@ Tucker: Lol Phyllis. I just blew up your spot with Daniel. Phyllis: Stay away from my son. If anyone is going to fuck up his career, it’s going to me. Daniel: Not so fast, Biznatch. @@@@@@@@@ Jack: Hey, Sport, your mom and I are hooking up. I’m about to become the most insufferable version of myself: Jack in Love. Kyle: Uh… cool. Summer: I just remembered that we need to eat breakfast. Bye. Kyle (at breakfast): Dad will be devastated if Mom betrays him again. Fortunately he’ll never be the wiser when I do it. Summer: Not this shit again. Colluding with my grandfather is so self-evidently a terrible idea that even my dumbass dad knows not to do it. My dad once licked a porcupine. Kyle: How’d it taste? @@@@@@@@ Sally: I’ll be home soon. Oh, have I sounded more enthusiastic reading the instructions on the back of your Hot Pockets box? Well, bye. *hangs up, silently has orgasm thinking about Adam just touching her*

I love Tucker. Even when he’s being a dick, he has this delightfully befuddled air about him that just tickles me.

Victor: I’m going to destroy my son emotionally and professionally so that he’s forced to return to the frigid bosom of his family. Now, who wants to shove this Father of the Year mug directly up my ass? Nick: I might. Let me think about it. @@@@@@@@ Kyle: Totally pumped to be joining Team Victor! Listen to all the great reasons you should be cheering me on, baby. Summer: Go fuck a hat, Kyle. Kyle: When you have the opportunity to help a bitter old man wreck his son’s life AND backstab your own father, you gotta do it. You haven’t even heard the best part - textile mills! Woot! Summer: Here’s a beret and some baby oil. Enjoy your evening. @@@@@@@@@ Nikki: I have very reasonable doubts about Stark stealing my necklace. My instincts tell me Jack and Diane committed the robbery. Most importantly, I think Diane is a big poopy head with cooties who should move out of MY town. Victoria: Good talk. @@@@@@@ Natey Nate Nate: Let me get in my daily dig at Devon and then we can blow copious amounts of smoke up each other’s pantaloons. I’ll order takeout. Audra: What an absolutely fantastic idea. If your lady friend shows up, I can always head to Crimson Lights and get my jollies forcing Sharon to provide good customer service. Nate: No problem. We’ll pick this up after I disappoint Elena. @@@@@@@@ Nick: Dad’s going to break all of Adam’s toys because he thinks Adam will come running to play with our toys. Victoria: Waaaahhhh! I don’t wanna share. Nick: I put boogers on mine. @@@@@@@@@ Traci: Walk of shame happening here. *Giggle* Jack: Diane and I went necking at Makeout Point. Naked. Hehehehe. Diane: I’m going to wear Jack’s varsity jacket from now on. Jack: We’re so adorable. Everyone will just love us. Except for my biggest fan, NinjaPenguins. I’m getting a real hostile vibe from that one.

Sacrifices must be made… I honestly think Victor just wants all his children (or, in his mind, property) to be under his watchful eye and grinding away at preserving his post-orphanage legacy. It also makes it easier for Victor to set them against each other, fighting for his worthless love and toxic attention. It’s harder to abuse Adam when he’s having success at Jabot and not at the mercy of his professional whims. The comparatively healthy relationship Adam has with Jack also bruises Victor’s ego, never mind that the Ol’ Scratch has been trying to hoard Kyle for years. In addition, Victor is a narcissistic fuckface. I notice he took a jab at Adam for selling cosmetics. What the hell does Newman Enterprises even do? Fertilizer? Whoopie cushions? Asbestos? Subprime mortgages? Victor could spend time with the children who want him around and are willing to work for him, but his massive ego compels him to stalk and harass Adam.

What’s with all the bad advice given out on this show? Yesterday Abby was nudging Devon toward accepting Lily’s one-sided deal, and today Sharon is advising Chance to quit a job that he’s actually quite good at. I mean, if he’s honestly burnt out, fine. But it seems like Genoa City could use an investigator who doesn’t feel the upper crust should get a free pass to commit crimes. Victor the one-note domestic tyrant is so fucking tiresome. His gaslighting of Adam is bullshit and Adam should have his dusty old ass escorted from the building. Kyle, ever the dolt, tugs his forelock and bows and scrapes, calling Victor “sir.” Stick your sirs in a sack, dummy. Look at how he treats his own son. You don’t even rate that high, moron. Golly, I wonder what Kyle wants in return for being Victor’s lackey. I wonder if I even care.

Jack: Well, we did it. We bested Jeremy Stark. Never again will he dare to sit in Genoa City clubs and restaurants, menacing glasses of whiskey. Chance: Buddy, you’re about as sharp as a bowling ball. Nikki: Even I smell a rat, and I haven’t been able to detect odors since Victor’s Colon Blow incident in ‘77. Diane: It makes total sense that a dangerous criminal who wants vengeance against me would suddenly risk his freedom to travel to another state, steal a single necklace out of my rival’s safe and conveniently have it in his hands when the fuzz arrives. Chance: Rich motherfuckers always be lyin’ to my face. Maybe Sharon can cheer me up with comically bad advice and awkward dancing. Sharon: Explore a new field, Chance. My lady meadow, perhaps. @@@@@@@@ Chloe: Yeah, so, we’ve got an important meeting and Sally needs to get ready, so, not to be rude, but fly your happy ass outta here. Sally: Both of you could leave. Nick: I hear what you’re saying, but I can’t read. Books, signs, even rooms. I’m emotionally illiterate. But I’m also a super nice guy who shows how much I care by wearing you down with my presence. Sally: I wish I actually had explosive diarrhea. Bet you’d respect my boundaries then. Nick: You knocked up? I’ve been through this before. Condoms lol. Sally: Yeah, can’t you see how excited I am? Nick: Not only will I not back off, I’mma need to know why you didn’t tell me sooner. Sally: It’s just that I’m in denial that Adam’s the fa-, uh, all these other reasons. @@@@@@@@ Victor: Kyle, ditch your mom. And help me fuck over my son and your dad. Yougotthat? Kyle: *drools*

Lily: Give me everything I want and start over. Neil would want that. Devon: Behold the field where I grow my fucks. ‘Tis barren. @@@@@@@@ Abby: I can sure be an asshole sometimes. My bad. Sharon: Don’t worry. I’ll never give you the cold shoulder. Haha. Abby: I’m so happy for you guys, Mariah. Chance and I are getting a divorce. Thanks for not asking why. Let’s just say he caught Devon and I working on a merger. @@@@@@@@@ Lily: Can anyone possibly relate to my stunning lack of self awareness, unearned self-regard and - oh, hey Billy! Billy: No regrets, baby! Stay on this path. Devon will forgive and forget, and if you need advice on how to hurt and humiliate your brother, you got my digits. @@@@@@@@@ Victoria: If I was any more tense, I could swallow a lump of coal and shit diamonds. Chelsea: Is it about me? I mean, everything is about me. Is it because I’m glomming on to your son and your ex and playing house with them? I understand your reservations, but when you try to off yourself, the world becomes your oyster. Step off my oyster. Victoria: We could always continue this conservation on the roof. Billy: Here I am with a single pizza to feed us all. It’s an amazing new pie from Society that leaves your table looking like no one ate at it. Connor: Maybe mom could glom onto Katie too! Victoria: Toodles! @@@@@@@@@@ Chelsea is just so insufferable to me, with her little smug smirks as everything goes her way. When she gets obvious signals to back off, whether it’s an awkward run in with Lily and Daniel or Victoria being clearly uncomfortable, she just keeps on trucking.

This is a common misconception. Victor’s crack security team is actually a group of highly trained operatives who were introduced to crack by Marco Anicelli, the Peruvian drug lord Victor found to replace Jack in one of his more heinous schemes. Whether they’re supposed to be protecting the Newman progeny or fabulous wealth, this once proud force can now be found smoking crack on Victor’s dime. The Thomas Clown Affair.

I think the writers honestly have no idea what Diane’s plan is or if Diane is on the level or what. There’s so much repetition, exposition and filler that it feels like the show is buying time until they can nail the whole thing down. My god. What did Tucker do to you that you’d unleash this weapons grade vengeance upon him? He’d probably apologize. It’s kind of Tucker’s thing right now, apologizing. Apologizing and turtlenecks.

I feel kind of dumb now, but how did I not know that Victor Newman grew up in an orphanage? Has he ever mentioned it? I have to tell you, this kind of shocking revelation has me reeling. Adam: You are a bad person, Victor. You’re a horrible father too, and here is a laundry list of legitimate reasons why you suck on ice. Also, allow me to accurately describe the manipulative, hollow justifications you try to hide behind. Victor: Orphanage. @@@@@@@@@@ Kyle: Deep down, I know Adam is the son my dad never had. He doesn’t even have a bouffant. I guess I have to plot with the devil to rid my old man’s company of a qualified businessman. Has anyone seen my personality? Summer: Nah. @@@@@@@@@@ Diane: Blah blah blah Nikki’s necklace. *insert vague heist talk here* Blah blah loyalty. Jeremy: I am totally buying this and not yanking your chain at all. Jack: I’m in the running for Genoa City Dunce of the Year! This is quite an accomplishment with Nick living here. Summer: Nope. @@@@@@@@@@ Tucker: I’ve been reading Victor Newman’s parenting manual as part of my effort to explain things and make amends, Devon. Not sure I understand what failure to make eye contact does, but… Devon: Let me tell you about yourself. Oh, and GTFO. @@@@@@@@@@ Adam: Since I’m on a roll reading people, let me tell you about your white knight complex, Billy. How do you like them apples? Billy: I’m gonna get up in your face and intimidate you with my flaring nostrils. We can measure other body parts, but I’ll never come up short slapping nose holes on the table. Adam: We’re uncomfortably close to making out. Time to go act weird around Chelsea Seriously though, I think Abby was the most normal person on the show today.

Nikki: Look at that pigeon-headed hussy Diane, cozying up to that criminal Jeremy Stark! Well, gotta go home and catch some flies for Victor’s supper! Phyllis: Diane was making out with Jack. Only I get to betray Jack and stomp all over his feelings like Godzilla careening through Tokyo. Victor: Adam sucks and will soon hit rock bottom due to his inherent awfulness. I am so confident in how hard he sucks that I’mma plot with this unenthused, ineffective bouffant to torpedo his career. Yougotthat? Nate: You’ve just admitted to being deceitful in service of your ambition. I could rescind my job offer, but I love the idea of working with an asshole like me. Welcome aboard, Audra. I know that Tucker is kind of an emo man-baby and a liar, but he just charms me with his douchebaggery. His abrupt and obedient turning to leave when Ashley kicked him out made me laugh. Then we have the human charm vacuum, Nick, bringing his patented flirty bro smarm to the table. It was nice of Adam to walk in and show Sally that, yes, there’s somebody better to spend time with. Do she and Nick have to bump uglies every time they meet up?

They could change Noah’s, uh, characterization with skillful writing instead of the fascist follicular folly on top of his head. I crack myself up. Also acceptable: picking his nose and stuffing his pockets with rocks before dropping him in a lake. Dog knows Billy offers us so much, with his manpain, manspreading and mansplaining, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

Man, isn’t the trope of being outed by a bottle of pre-natal vitamins fresh and creative? Throw in an asshole friend like Chloe who inexplicably thinks Nick is the cat’s ass and you’ve really got one hell of an uninspiring dreck enema. What more can be said about Victor and Nikki? I hope Diane steals the necromantic grimoire that Nikki uses to keep raising the old pissbag from the dead. Hopefully that bitter zombie will shamble off a cliff and find rock bottom his own self. Noah, WTF?