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Legacies Quotes

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Hope: When we're young, we're taught the distinction between a hero and a villain, good and evil, a savior and a lost cause. But what if the only real difference is just who's telling the story?

Landon: I knew Hope went to some fancy boarding school. People in town said it was for troubled rich kids. I see the rich part is true.

Alaric: I used to have a speech prepared, carefully unpeeling the layers of mystical history, but it turns out most people have read Harry Potter and are actually cool with me skipping the tee up.

Landon: Either I've lost my mind or werewolves are real. This is beyond insane. How is that even possible?
Alaric: It's a long story, involving an ancient, vengeful witch and a bloodline curse. We cover all that in Origins of the Species, grade six.
Landon: In sixth grade at my school, we learned the state capitals.

Landon: You know, for a school with a secret to keep, you're kind of liberal with your information.

Lizzie: Alyssa Chang made a broom fly in physics last year but Rick Rogers fell 30 feet during practice so real life Quidditch remains an elusive pipe dream.

Hope: You should really let a vampire start doing my training. You're getting a little old for me to break your human bones.
Alaric: How dare you?

Hope: You're the one that's always telling me I need to get out more. 
Alaric: I tell you that you need to stop locking yourself in your dorm room binge-watching Cutthroat Kitchen. I don't tell you to go out and fraternize with the human locals.

Landon: You know, you do that a lot.
Hope: Do what?
Landon: Leave.

Lizzie: Dad, do you think I'm broken?
Alaric: Of course not. I think your biological mother's crazy-ass witch ancestors left you with a legacy of darkness that you have to work through.
Lizzie: But Josie doesn't have freak outs.
Alaric: Josie spends a lot of time worrying about other people's happiness. It's a supernatural phenomenon called co-dependency, and I'm pretty sure she got it from my side of the family.

MG: No, like, Twilight ruined all vampire mythos. Okay, y'all want reality, y'all got to go old-school. Okay, my man Blade, he is the GOAT. His crazy moms was all, "You wouldn't kill me." And then he's all, "I must release you." And he's like bam, stab! Dude kills his crazy ass mom! I'm not saying that y'all should kill your mom, cause that's messed up.

Rafael: She was the best person I knew. Pretty much loved her in that way that they say only exists in movies.
Josie: People who say that are the people who have never had their hearts crushed.

MG: This isn't much of an after party, Penelope. There aren't any snacks.

MG: Okay, well, for one, we're not supposed to. For two, last I checked, you were more into girls, and for three-
Penelope: No one asked you to bring math into this conversation. For one, rules are meant to be broken. For two, I am an equal opportunity evil temptress, and your binary assumptions about sexuality - they're dated. And for three, I don't really care what your three was, but are you gonna suck me dry or not?

Landon: "Klaus Mikaelson: The Great Evil."
Hope: He wasn't very popular around here.
Me: He wasn't very popular anywhere due to his murderous rampages.

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Lizzie: "I heard about what happened to your girlfriend. Oh, I have spies everywhere. I'm nosy in that, like, charming way."
Rafael: "Thanks, I guess."
Lizzie: "On the plus side, we're all happy to know that you're single."

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Emma: I see you've decided to double down on your nihilism this morning.
Hope: I'm trying to be rich with honesty.
Emma: Start from the beginning.
Hope: Of my short lived but horrific romances with liars?

Hope: It should be said that Shakespeare wasn't completely clueless. He had plenty of advice about how to handle betrayal. My personal favorite: "Think, therefore, on revenge and cease to weep."

Lizzie: Let's hit the dining hall and carb load. It's game day.
Josie: I'm not hungry. 
Lizzie: Well, uh, funny thing actually, Josette. This morning, as I was desperately trying to make this trash bag of a jersey look cute, I suddenly had the urge to purge. So I fled to the bowl and lo and behold, I heaved up a gallon of black goo. So seeing as I haven't been dabbling in any illicit black magic recently, I can only imagine it was a twin sympathy hurl. And here you are, denying the day's most important meal. So 'fess up. What did you do?
Penelope: Maybe you're pregnant, Lizzie. Oh, or maybe it's just how that jersey fits.
Josie: Go away, evil one.
Penelope: Already gone. Hot tip: next time you burn your ex's hair off, make sure she can't rock a lob.

Lizzie: Did she who shall not be named just fat shame me?

Lizzie: We can't use our powers [at the Mystic Falls game], so we suck.
Alaric: Exactly. Which is a normal school for troubled rich kids thing to do. This annual event lets the locals see you for what they think you are and keeps them from asking too many questions.
Lizzie: But they mock us.
Alaric: Because they're insecure, small town kids with small minds.

Hope: I have actual magic powers.
Rafael: And I have a long history of anger issues.
Alaric: He can come.
Hope: What?
Alaric: He knows Landon. He'll be an asset, and we need all the help we can get so fix the car and hop in. And put a shirt on.

Lizzie: Dad loves Hope more than us.
Josie: You're being melodramatic, okay? He's missing one game.
Lizzie: First a game and then our weddings.

Hope: I don't know why [Landon]'s still out here. He has a whole day's lead on us. He could be anywhere.
Rafael: Maybe cause he doesn't have a reason to run.
Hope: Logic that would be perfectly believable if he hadn't, you know, ran.

Lizzie: Good luck out there.
Dana: Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.
Lizzie: I'm pretty sure I've seen that on a poster at the dentist's.

Rafael: I've been at the school for two days and I've already heard all about Hope Mikaelson and her sunny disposition.

MG: You're lucky that I'm still talking to you after that stunt you pulled last night, kissing me like that.
Penelope: I was giving you what you wanted.
MG: No, you were taking a shot at Josie, and when someone other than Lizzie takes a shot at Josie, they tend to wake up with scabies. You ever have scabies before? They're nasty.

MG: What's the play?
Lizzie: Same one as always. Run around, make it look like you know what you're doing, then fail.

Hope: How about pretending to be compelled?
Landon: That was to avoid being thrown back in the werewolf dungeon.
Hope: Transitional cellar.

Alaric: Did I or did I not say "don't engage"?
Hope: [Landon]'s only dangerous if crappy apologies can kill.

Lizzie: New plan. The gloves are off. Let's burn these bitches to the ground. We're going to give these townies a taste of what we're really made of.
MG: You can count on my steel.
Lizzie: Eww. Gross.

Dorian: [Your phone] connection sucks. Where are you?
Hope: A root cellar full of contraband that our pickpocket Landon Kirby claims he didn't steal.
Rafael: There's a fire breather outside. Can you prioritize your rage?

Dorian: Dragon.
Alaric: What?
Dorian: Dragon. She steals treasure, breathes fire, hides the loot in her lair. She's not a pyromancer. She's a-
Alaric: Dragons don't exist or look like normal people.
Dorian: There was a time we would have said that about vampires.
Alaric: Okay, fine. She's a human dragon. Now what?
Dorian: In anything I've ever read-
Alaric: In fiction.
Dorian: The way to take down a dragon - you need a buttload of courage and a sword.

Hope: Took you long enough.
Rafael: Sorry, I couldn't find a rock.
Hope: There's literally a lair full of heavy objects.

Dorian: Found it. The soft spot, that's how you kill [a dragon].
Alaric: Uh, knife in the heart did the trick.
Dorian: Huh. Okay. So much for research.
Alaric: What are you reading? Game of Thrones?
Dorian: Puff the Magic Dragon.

Josie: What do I do?
Lizzie: It doesn't matter cause there's no way I'm going to throw you the ball.
MG: Look my way. I'll catch it.
Lizzie: You probably caught something from Penelope Park too.

Alaric: This hatred, this vengeance - this is your father. It can't be you.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Alaric: Gaulish. Why does it always have to be Gaulish?

Dorian: Chain spells are about the fluid movement of energy from witch to witch. Where is Penelope Park?
Lizzie: Lady cramps, Mr. Williams.
Dorian: Sorry I asked. A disharmonious group makes for an uneven flow.

Lizzie: This makes no sense, dad. Why are we being punished?
Alaric: Because you started a brawl at a charity football game.
Lizzie: You weren't mad last night.
Alaric: I was mad last night. My undying love for my daughters just happened to trump my rage.

Hope: I want to help you with research.
Alaric: Dorian has master's degree in library science. I think the adults have it covered.

Rafael: Next time we gotta catch like a deer or something. More meaty, less...rabbity.

Landon: It's like the knife wanted me to steal it and it wanted me to lie.
Rafael: Knives don't have conscious thoughts.
Landon: I know, but knives don't usually attract dragons either.

Rafael: It's just the two of us, living off the land. There's nothing better.
Landon: A burger. A burger would be better.

Connor: Hypothetical question - how bad would it suck if whoever did this graffiti came back tonight and just put it right back up again?
Lizzie: Well, whoever it is, I hope he improves his spelling.

Alaric: If my translations are correct, whoever wields [the dragon knife] has the power to save the world - or end all life as we know it. It's hard to say. Fourth century Gaulish is tricky.
Emma: Well, in that case, stop cleaning it and destroy the damn thing.
[Alaric drops a bath bomb]
Alaric: Hydrochloric acid. I've tried explosives, an acetylene torch, a circular saw. I've even run over it with my truck. According to legend, it's indestructible and I'm starting to agree.
Emma: So in addition to father, teacher, mentor, you've also added linguist, slayer of mythical creatures, and demolitions expert to your resume.

Pedro: Aren't you supposed to help?
Lizzie: Consider this a life lesson, Pedro. People disappoint.

Josie: It's simple math. MG has the hormones of a teenager and the impulse control of a preschooler.

Kaleb: Vamps before tramps.

Hope: Killing gargoyles 101. [Dorian] thought you could translate it.
Alaric: Gaulish.
Hope: So are we on our own or did the Gauls provide clear instructions?
Alaric: In a nutshell, it says, "Hit it hard. Repeat as needed."

Rafael: Who is that?
Jeremy: A werewolf hunter.
Rafael: Is that really a thing?

Jeremy: You're new to this. You probably think that being supernatural gives you the upper hand. It doesn't. This world is a scary place for someone like you, especially when you're dumb enough to use your powers in public.

Jeremy: [Alaric] told me to track you and make sure you stay out of trouble which apparently you suck at.

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Lizzie: I guess that I can set aside my differences with Dana for a day because that is what heroes do, so I volunteer as tribute.
Hope: She battles one gargoyle and suddenly she's Mother Theresa.

Landon: Do you think they're going to kick me out?
Rafael: They gave you some clothes. I think that's a good sign.
Landon: From 1993!

Landon: Sorry, sorry.
Lizzie: I was making an entrance, mophead.
Landon: Sorry, I just had a flashback to my freshman year here.
Lizzie: Girls are missing so get your wedgie trauma in check or leave.

Lizzie: Okay, here's the deal. Landon, you talk to any of the people you still know from when you went here. Hope, you try to not deliberately alienate the entire student body while the rest of us save the world.
Hope: This isn't a contest, Lizzie.
Lizzie: You're right. It's a mission - for a hero and her league of...whatevers.
Kaleb: Yeah, screw that. I work alone.
Lizzie: MG, I need your compulsion skills. Would you like to be the Robin to my Batwoman.
MG: Actually Batwoman doesn't have a Robin.
Lizzie: Metaphor, nerd. Let's go.

Josie: As fun as this hurricane of toxic masculinity is, I have to get to class.

Landon: This is the senior hallway where I spent much of my formative years stuffed in every locker - except this one. That one doesn't open. On your left, you'll find the bathrooms, where I had my first kiss with a toilet.
Hope: I'm sorry. Is the fact that I'm not openly hostile to you make it seem like we're back to being friends?

MG: You're friends with Dana, right?
Jill: My friendship with Dana doesn't define me. That was a joke. Of course it does.

MG: You smell like gummi bears.

Hope: Relax, Eeyore.

Hope: Adultery, missing girls - it's like every tv show that old people watch.

Hope: So do you want to play good cop or bad cap? Because I don't think emo cop is a thing.

Lizzie: Come on, guys, It's hero time.
Hope: To the blondemobile.

Dana: Omigawd, what is that?
Hope: It's, uh...someone help me out here.
Lizzie: It's the mother of all hickeys. You're fine, Dana. You're just a little slutty.

Lizzie: So you didn't kill [Dana]. You freaking turned her?
Kaleb: Turned her? You think I want to sit and listen to that for all eternity?

Landon: Let me get this straight. Dana died with vampire blood in her system so she came back to life and now she's in transition and she needs to feed or die?
MG: Nailed it, bro. Easy decision, right?
Kaleb: Alright, so we give her human blood. It's that simple.
Hope: Not everyone wants to be supernatural. Some people just want to be normal.
Lizzie: Dana's traumatized, you guys. This is a huge decision. Maybe we should give her a day or two.
Hope: She'll be dead in a day if she doesn't feed.
Lizzie: Oops. I suck at math.
Landon: You should tell her the truth. My guess is she'd be psyched to be at a place like your school. I know I would.
Kaleb: You're quiet over there, MG.
MG: I'm a feminist. I'm not going to tell Dana what to do with her body.

Lizzie: This is nerd porn, not real life.
MG: So are dragons and gargoyles.

Alaric: I love you. Sort of.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hope: Are you kidding me? You get to interrogate a tree nymph and I have to run Landon's 23 and Me.
Alaric: First of all, it's a dryad not a nymph. I left you instructions in my office. Try not to kill him.

Josie; You know, you're not going to lose the election over an outfit.
Lizzie: I'm not worried about losing the election. I'm worried about what I'm going to wear to my victory rally. The outfit makes the speech.
Josie: Maybe you should wear something that shows your fellow witches that you're going to take this seriously. [Honor council]'s a big responsibility.
Lizzie: That is why I'm perfect for the job. I'm a taste maker, an influencer. People don't really know what they want until I tell them that they want it. They need me.

Landon: These tests determine whether I get to stay at this school, right? There's no way I'm putting my future in your hands. You're biased.
Hope: I'm not biased. Besides, neither of us has a choice. Believe me, this is not how I would choose to spend my day either.
Landon: See? Biased.

Dryad: What magic have you employed to search for my Oliver?
Alaric: It's a new spell called google.
Dryad: You're mocking me.
Alaric: Yeah, just a little bit.

Dryad: Is humor helpful in avoiding your pain?
Alaric: Not really, no.

Hope: You failed. You have no supernatural strength. You failed the vertical climb, the long jump, and you straight up refused to swim across the lake.
Landon: Yeah, well, excuse a foster kid for never having swim lessons.

Emma: What are you testing for exactly?
Hope: [Landon's] ability to get away from me as quickly as possible. If he's going to stay at this school, it's a must.

Lizzie: I know how much Landon means to you and I would be happy to help.
Rafael: Great, thank you!
Lizzie: If you would be happy to be my date to my birthday on Friday.
Rafael: Are you blackmailing me?
Lizzie: No, silly. I'm black tie-ing you. It's totally different.

Lizzie: I'm trying to rise above it so let me freaking rise.

Kaleb: Let me guess. There's been a mistake. I won the popular vote but not the electoral college.
MG: No, you won fair and square - except the part where you stabbed me in the back.
Kaleb: It doesn't feel too good, does it?

Hope: I want a seat on the council. I'm a tribrid, the only one of my kind. No one can represent my interests but me.
Alaric: Is this about Landon? You can't let this get personal.
Hope: The political is personal. I learned that in advanced civics, taught by you.
Alaric: That's cheating.

Lizzie: What did I ever do to make you hate me so much?
Penelope: It's not about you. Shocking, I know. It's about how you treat Josie.
Lizzie: I love Josie.
Penelope: Did you think to ask her if she wanted to run for the council before you assumed you'd win? You've left her with no room for herself. She spends all of her energy taking care of you. She doesn't have time for a relationship because you are a black hole of time and energy of love just sucking it all up, never giving any of it back. She won't ever burn your world down, so I will do it for her.

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Jo: Ric, if you could just put down the crossbow, my freak out level is about eleven right now.

Dorian: You don't think she's actually-
Alaric: No, I don't!
Dorian: Did she say how she got here?
Jo: I was sort of, uh, yanked awake and then I was just here.
Alaric: Nothing suspicious about that.
Dorian: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Alaric: Kill her now before she attacks?
Jo: Wait, what?
Dorian: I was more "let's interrogate her" because if she's the next monster then maybe she'll know more than the dryad did.

Hope: Perks of being an alpha - a bunch of people you get to boss around.
Rafael: More like a bunch of shadows waiting to be told what to do.

Josie: You're...cheerful?
Lizzie: Why wouldn't I be? Mom's coming home, I had sex with Raf, my pores are practically invisible.

Lizzie: I need your help. I'm going for Meghan Markle tasteful.
Penelope: Happy birthday, witches!
Lizzie: Oh, look. It's Satan in a crop top.

Emma: You're sure [Jo] can't do magic?
Alaric: She couldn't before she died so if she can now, I guess we'll learn the hard way.
Jo: Um, she's right here and she's got a lot of questions.

Alaric: Okay, let's talk. Who are you and what do you want?
Jo: I'm Josette Laughlin, almost Saltzman.
Alaric: No, Jo Laughlin's dead.
Jo: I'm well aware. It's not every day you get murdered at your shotgun wedding. How long ago was that? You look a little...seasoned.

Alaric: Drop the act, okay?
Jo: It's not an act, Ric. This is Mystic Falls. I'm not exactly the first person you've brought back from the dead.

Lizzie: Who's this trollop?

Alaric: [Caroline]'s their birth mother.
Jo: Caroline? So you two...?
Alaric: No. She married Stefan Salvatore who basically died on their wedding day too.

Hope: So the MC will announce Lizzie and her escort.
Rafael: Her what?
Hope: Kind of like at a debutante ball.
Rafael: I grew up in foster care.
Hope: Well, they had stairs, didn't they?
Rafael: How do you know all this stuff?
Hope: One of my aunts has been around for more than a thousand years. This kind of thing is her jam. Now you bow.
Rafael: You're messing with me.
Hope: You think this is bad? You know it's only going to get worse, right? Lizzie Saltzman has been planning her Sweet 16 since she was five.

MG: You're lucky I respect women and that I shun all forms of toxic masculinity or else you and I would be throwing down right now, even if you can kick my ass.
Penelope: Dude, I'm here to help.
MG: By telling Lizzie and Josie that their mom isn't coming?
Penelope: That was just for Lizzie.

Josie: How did you meet my dad?
Alaric: That's not a relevant question.
Jo: I walked up to him at a college party. He was the only guy over 20.
Josie: Was it love at first sight?
Lizzie: Jo, don't be so nosy!
Jo: Not quite. I flirted with him and asked him for a sip of his drink. He told me he was a germaphobe but I thought he looked like Indiana Jones.
Lizzie: This walk down weird old people memory lane is fun and all but we have a party to get ready for.

Hope: I can't believe you slept with Lizzie Saltzman.
Rafael: Look, I was mad and she was there. I didn't say I was proud of it.

Hope: You're officially a gigolo.

Rafael: I guess I'll see you at the party.
Hope: No, you won't.
Rafael: So what, you're just going to stay in your room alone while everybody else is out having fun?
Hope: Works for me.
Rafael: Bull crap. Everybody needs a crew.
Hope: Kind of ironic coming from the reluctant alpha.
Rafael: The pack is one thing but a crew is a crew. I had that with Landon until you sent him away.
Hope: We're back to that?
Rafael: I'm just saying it's one thing to be cool with being alone and it's another to want to be the lonely girl on purpose.
Hope: As opposed to Mr. Good Guy who's taking a girl that you don't even like to her own party?

Penelope: You have crawled so far down the codependence rabbit hole that you think taking care of yourself is selfish but it's not. When are you doing to take care of you?

Lizzie: Where's my date?
MG: You're looking at him.
Lizzie: You're wearing sneakers?
MG: These are Concord 11s, milady.

Alaric: Call off the dogs. I think I found [Jo].
Dorian: I think I'll keep them on standby.

Hope: Sorry, no time for bitchy banter.

Penelope: What happened?
Hope: Apparently her possessed biological mother buried her alive in the cemetery.

Dorian: Hero 101, Ric - you don't give the bad guys what they want, especially if we don't know what it does. This thing could spawn armageddon.

MG: To kill a walker, you gotta go for the brain. Everybody knows that.
Penelope: Yeah, every nerd maybe. Just call it a zombie.

Hope: How do you want to do this? Magic?
Penelope: I say we DIY and pretend they're Lizzie Saltzman.
Hope: Works for me.

Hope: Damn it, MG, get up and find [Josie]!
MG: There's too much noise!
Hope: Well, listen harder! Pretend you're at the beach or something!

Jo: Josie thinks you're lonely. Are you happy?
Alaric: I am happy right now in the arms of my demon possessed baby mama.

MG: I'm serious. Something clicked while I was taking out those zombies. It felt right inside, like that was the real me.
Penelope: Meaning?
MG: I'm a superhero. Like from the comics. Heroes don't just get the girl. They get ALL the girls!
Penelope: Totally. Superman is such a slut.
Josie: Thanks for tonight, MG.
MG: My first hero thank you! Accepted. Up, up, and away!

Penelope: This world needs the selfless and the selfish to keep spinning. I happen to be the latter.

Rafael: You look like you took a bath in dirt.

Alaric: Who the hell are you?
Necromancer: Your pathetic attempt at humor does nothing to mask your fear. Tremble then in the presence of the Necromancer!
Alaric: Who?
Necromancer: THE Necromancer! Bringer of life and death. He who holds the Fates' threads. The cursed king of the underworld!
Alaric: It's not ringing any bells. You?
Dorian: All I know about necromancers is from video games and they're, like, low-level witch cannon fodder.

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[Alaric puts an axe into the Necromancer's head]
Necromancer: Was that really necessary?
Alaric: I told you I need answers.
Necromancer: Why would I help you? You have me in chains. This indignity will not go unpunished.
Alaric: We have been at this for days. Answer my questions, or I'm going peel your skin off like a grape and shower you with battery acid.
Necromancer: A rather grotesque effort, considering it will feel like the delicate tickle of a feather.

Necromancer: The way you've treated a man of my stature, you should be ashamed.
Alaric: Literally nobody knows who you are.

Hope: I take it things aren't going well? 
Alaric: He's a diva.

Dorian: Whoever this dude is, he's been erased from history like every other monster that comes looking for the knife.
Hope: Is there any way to stop him from bringing back dead people? Because if this week is any indication, it's kind of becoming a thing.
Dorian: I'll look into it, but tomorrow's my day off, so it might take a minute.
Hope: Evil never takes a holiday, Dorian.

Hope: I'm worried about [Alaric]. Do you think he's okay?
Dorian: I think after the week he's had, he needs a nap. And a therapist.

Hope: You died, you were in a dark place for what felt like an eternity, until suddenly, you were pulled into the light with a singular, inexplicable mission to retrieve a knife.
Necromancer: Do continue.
Hope: It's been the same with all the creatures that came before you - a dragon, a gargoyle, an arachne, a dryad.
Necromancer: Bah. Such creatures exist only in fiction. 
Hope: No. They've been erased from history, and so have you. 
Necromancer: That's preposterous. I'm world-renowned. People tremble at the sound of my name.
Hope: Don't believe me? Read up.
Necromancer: No! No! No! No! No! No! A lifetime's work, my legacy, reduced to something as-as pitiful as a brand of sorcery? Where I am barely a footnote? Who's responsible for this vile affront?
Hope: That's what I'm hoping you can help me figure out.
Necromancer: Well, then, I'm all ears.
Hope: If you want to get to the bottom of this, we need to know who's communicating with you.
Necromancer: No one's communicating with me. My mind is a steel trap.

Necromancer: If I return the knife to Malivore, I will be free.
Hope: Of what? 
Necromancer: The blackness. The void. The empty oblivion.
Hope: Do you ever just say things once? And more importantly, do you know how to get there?
Necromancer: Only that the knife will lead me.
Hope: I'm assuming you know this symbol.
Necromancer: It is the sign of the worst existential nightmare. The ultimate hell. The-
Hope: You're doing it again.

Hope: Do you remember how you died?
Necromancer: I was wandering the beach of Normandy in need of a pick-me-up, so I thought I'd resurrect a few GIs to toy with some Nazis.
Hope: I'm glad to hear even evil creatures don't like Nazis.
Necromancer: Nobody likes Nazis.

MG: It's too much.
Kaleb: Not nearly enough. It's them weak-ass bunny blood muscles talking.
MG: Ain't got nothing to do with bunny blood. It's just heavy.

Rafael: [Cassie] thinks that I killed her.
Alaric: Technically, you did.
Rafael: It was an accident.
Alaric: Doesn't make her any less dead.

Necromancer: Hello, Milton. Your great-nana Imogene is waving hello just over your shoulder.
MG: You can see my great-nana?
Necromancer: Oh, I can see everything. She's most disappointed in you for forsaking Jesus, who I can also see, but, oh, I know, that's another can of worms.

Necromancer: You have no reason to fear me, I assure you.
MG: You're basically the grim reaper.
Necromancer: Oh, the reaper is a carnival sideshow hack! No, you dirty your mouth mentioning his name in my presence. Perhaps I should summon Nana to wash it out with soap?
MG: No, you leave my Nana be. Don't nobody need to be whupped by Nana right now.

Necromancer: I'll be damned. I mean, I'm obviously damned, but it worked.

Hope: This restaurant is in New Orleans. I spent half my childhood here.
Necromancer: Yes, Rousseau's. I spent a good amount of time here before the 1920s. Your father was good for my business, always killing people.
Hope: How do you know about my dad?
Necromancer: Well, he's standing right behind you. Kidding. Kidding. But his spirit is all around you. Plus, he and I did our fair share of drinking here when he was at his most murdery.

Alaric: Look, I am trying to protect you. That thing is a master manipulator. It resurrected my fiancée, it raised a cemetery of zombies, and it brought back Rafael's dead girlfriend, so let's just talk about the ways in which it could torment you, starting with your dead mother, ending with your dead father, and how about all the ghosts of all the people that you killed in between, huh?

Kaleb: Okay, young grasshopper. It's called Snatch, Eat, Erase. All right? I read about it in Dr. Saltzman's books about those Salvatore dudes that used to live in our school.
MG: I feel bad.
Kaleb: Don't feel bad, brother. They're food, okay? It's like eating a burger. You feel bad about the cow? 
MG: Sometimes. Lizzie went through this vegan phase, and she just got me thinking.

Necromancer: [Klaus] won't find peace until you do. Good luck with that.

Dorian: Do you even know what a ripper is? Do you? A ripper is a vampire who is driven by obsession, who lives only for the gratification of their deepest desires. A ripper will feed until there is nothing left to feed on and then they'll move on to the next and the next. And do you know what kind of vamps are susceptible to being rippers? If I was taking bets, I'd say an impressionable, obsessive, clinically ADHD, horny little kid like Milton Greasley.

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  • 1 month later...

Alaric: Going somewhere? The better question is where the hell do you think you're going with my keys and without telling me?
Hope: Um, you know, I just said some really harsh things to you yesterday and so I just wanted to get you an oil change as a peace offering.
Alaric: At 3am?

Alaric: Indiana, crossroads of America. What's the capital?
Hope: We learned that in eighth grade.
Alaric: Oh good. Then you should know it.
Hope: I didn't say I absorbed the information.

Alaric: Before we go in there, I just want to make sure we're clear.
Hope: You're Professor X. I'm Wolverine.
Alaric: I was more of a DC kid.
Hope: Then you're Batman and I'm Robin. Either way, you call the shots. So how do you want to do this? Fireball? Wind torrent?
Alaric: I was thinking we'd knock.
Hope: They'll never see that coming.

Landon: The Salvatore School - that's who I called. That boarding school I was telling you about. It's a school for vampires and witches and werewolves because they're real. And so are dragons and gargoyles and fricking talking trees and I don't know what else.
[Sela is silent]
Landon: You've got to be kidding me. You believe that but not that I'm your son?

Landon: If you won't tell me who they are, will you at least tell me why they are following.
Sela: They weren't - until you showed up. Maybe they're following you.
Landon: I'm not stupid. I would have noticed if I was being followed.
Sela: Close your eyes. How many windows are in this room?
Landon: What? We just got here.
Sela: The parking lot - how many cars?
Landon: I'm not - like, ten?
Sela: The man who gave us the keys, was he right or left handed?
Landon: Nobody notices stuff like that.
Sela: Three, seven, ambidextrous.

Sela: What did you do [to Hope]?
Landon: I lied to her. And other stuff.

Hope: Tell me where [Landon] is before I blow your head off!
Sela: You must be Hope.

Sela: So you're the headmaster of a private school for supernaturals and you're the teacher's pet?
Alaric: Actually she's kind of a pain in my ass.
Hope: You're a little judgey for an absentee mother.

Alaric: You seem morally inclined enough to do something stupid.

Landon: Thank you for coming for me. I needed help and you came. That's never really happened to me before.
Hope: Sounds like you've had crappy girls in your life.
Landon: Oh, I've had zero girls in my life.

Hope: My first kiss was with a 90 year old vampire who helped murder my mother.

Alaric: So Landon is basically a supernatural immaculate conception?
Sela: You believe me?
Alaric: My twins were magically transplanted into their mother's womb by a coven of witches so my belief tolerance is pretty high.

Alaric: I am not taking two teenagers to a covert military hiding place for a demon portal!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Alaric: Where did you hide the urn, by the way?
Hope: I'm not sure I should tell you.
Alaric: Excuse me?
Hope: Isn't it safer if only one of us knows where it is?
Alaric: Well, then that one of us should be the adult.
Hope: Funny because I thought it should be the one of us with high level super powers.

Alaric: I can't exactly call the state accreditation board and tell them we're canceling exams because of monsters.

MG: Dracula as a novel has only retained relevance in modern times because of our patriarchal culture's obsession with the idea of a privileged, powerful man who does whatever he wants with absolute impunity, meaning we spent weeks in this class analyzing the literary value of a character who abuses consent in every way possible.

Alaric: I am going to get sued, or hexed at the very least.
Landon: You don't have to be so hard on yourself. At my last school, the gym teacher was dealing coke under the bleachers.
Alaric: Oh, yeah, that only makes me feel marginally better.

Landon: Maybe we're not dealing with a night hag.
Alaric: Well, if it walks like a night hag and talks like a night hag, what else could it be?
Landon: That's exactly what I was wondering, so I started going through these books and boom.
Hope: What's an oneiroi?
Alaric: It's a black-winged shape-shifting dream demon from Greek mythology.
Landon: Yeah, of course he knows what it is.

Raf: How the hell are we supposed to kill a dream demon?
Hope: Leave that to me. But since I can't fall asleep without compromising the location of the urn, I need someone else to pull it out of the dream planet and into our waking reality.
MG: So Freddy Krueger, like I said.
Raf: Wait, how the hell are we supposed to do that?
MG: If it's anything like the movies, we just grab and pull.
Kaleb: Is it too late to get on the evacuation bus?

Hope: What are you doing?
Alaric: What any rational adult caretaker of children should be doing.

MG: Are we alive? Did we win?
Kaleb: Do you see any dead dream demons laying around?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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  • 3 weeks later...

Hope: I know this is important, but you couldn't have put pants on first?

Hope: You're not seriously suggesting we kill a unicorn.
Dorian: I'm suggesting we don't give it a pass just because it's cute.

Lizzie: Remember what mom said - we are airy clouds floating high above a turbulent sea of drama.

Josie: Welcome back, Landon.
Landon: Didn't you vote me out?

Lizzie: Dearest father, does this dangerous monster happen to be a magical pony?
Alaric: Maybe.

Hope: What do you think [Penelope's note] says? "Check this box if you want to kiss me, check this box if you want to kill me"?

Alaric: Vampires, werewolves, dragons - I have faced terrifying danger in my life. But there's only one day on my calendar marked with a black X, one day I fear above all others, because if I have to hear how many minutes there are in a year one more time, I'm going to throw myself to the unicorn.

Hope: Do you trust me?
Rafael: Kind of.

Kaleb: You, get me a piano. MG, we're gonna need a spotlight. Everybody else, line up. I need to see how high you can kick!

Landon: Are you sure cake decorating counts as a talent?
Hope: Well, you told me that you don't know karate then you stepped on my feet during salsa and then you straight up refused to try synchronized ribbon dancing.
Landon: Sorry, my dignity wouldn't fit in a unitard.

Penelope: I thought you were avoiding me.
Josie: I was. I mean, I am.
Penelope: You're not doing a very good job.

Dorian: I can't find any ancient legends about a creature like this.
Landon: Invasion of the Body Snatchers. The Faculty. I say again - Wrath of Khan.

Dorian: We need to find a way to de-slug everyone who's affected and fast.
Hope: When I touched the switch to the kitchen vent, it shocked me and that's when the slug popped out.
Landon: Great. So we just have to find a way to electrocute every student in the school without killing them.

Rafael: My name is Rafael and my talent is spoken word poetry.
Landon. Oh, no. He promised he wouldn't do this again.

Emma: Mind control slugs?
Alaric: We're totally infected, aren't we?

Lizzie: Unchain me and maybe I will tell you, you thrift store hobbit.

Alaric: Some people think that the real you comes out when your inhibitions are lowered but in my experience, sometimes what really defines someone is what they won't do.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Dorian: Have you decided if you're going to come to the mountains with me for spring break?
Emma: Does it look like I know how to pitch a tent?
Dorian: No, it does not, Miss High Heels at a Picnic.

Dorian: I couldn't find [the urn].
Alaric: Because it's not there.
Dorian: Then why I have I done five dives looking for it?
Alaric: I didn't figure it out until now.

Dorian: You gotta stop beating yourself up about this. I mean, yes, throwing an extremely dangerous magical artifact into the river was pretty stupid.

Alaric: All you have to do is follow my rules.
Kaleb: There's rules now?

Lizzie: I would have thought you wanted to spend spring break canoodling with your hipster boyfriend.
Hope: Sorry for wanting to protect the outside world from my mistakes. You know there's currently an urn on a river cruise spreading plagues across America because I thought a unicorn was cute. It's called accountability. Maybe there's a bracelet for it.

Hope: What happened to playing nice?
Lizzie: Over. Done. I'm getting back to me. I am who I am.

Hope: I'm boiling
Lizzie: I'm freezing.
Josie: I'm starving.

Kaleb: How did I get stuck with the senior citizens half of the tour? Maybe you just needed a third wheel to shield you from all this awkwardness.

Kaleb: Hold up. I hear something.
Alaric: I said no vampire powers. We're trying to keep a low profile here.
Kaleb: I can't turn my ears off, bruh.

Lizzie: You will do anything to get attention.
Hope: Said the narcissist.
Lizzie: Said the...other narcissist.

Kaleb: Let me run this back. Homie talks like he's protecting innocents but his office actually sits on top of the portal to hell.
Alaric: No hell specifically. Hell adjacent. It's a tarpit of doom where monsters rot for all eternity.
Kaleb: And if the urn gets to Malavore, what happens? The adjacent apocalypse?
Alaric: Two of the three locks that keep Malavore sealed will be open which will lead to the end of all supernatural beings.
Kaleb: So we can't let the mummy get the urn. We can't let Agent Clark's phony hazmat dudes get the urn. And if we get the urn, then we're just bringing monsters back to the school with us.
Alaric: Yeah, it is kind of a lose-lose.
Kaleb: Y'all crazier than my family, minus the barbeque. So who do I get to fight?
Alaric: Actually, I need you to compel all the locals to forget what they've seen.
Kaleb: You mean while everyone else is fighting an actual mummy, I'm stuck with a bunch of simpletons making them forget about bugs? So vamp powers are cool as long as they're boring.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Penelope: I wish I was drinking something right now so I could do a spit take.

Lizzie: I am withdrawing from Miss Mystic Falls, effective immediately.
Hope: I thought you had something important to tell us.
Penelope: Come for the underwhelming announcement. Stay for the epic meltdown.

Lizzie: A direct result of that bitch Dana's sabotage.
Hope: She's dead, Lizzie!
Lizzie: Correction - that DEAD BITCH Dana's sabotage.

Penelope: This is the death of feminism.

Lizzie: You, come with me. You, stay here. Do nothing.

Alaric: There's no reason a monster would be here.
Lizzie: Unless this sentient jar of artisanal mayonnaise activated a new artifact.

Landon: I'm going to go ask Roman some questions.
Hope: Yeah, super helpful. Ask a vampire how he turned a woman to stone.

MG: Gorgons gonna gorgon.

Landon: I don't think you've ever spoken to me before.
Penelope: You've never had free booze before.

Landon: The irony of this place is that special is just normal.

MG: The only way I'm leaving this place is dead with a stake in my heart. Or when I graduate. Hopefully it's when I graduate.

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Landon: Look, I already told the other guys I don't know anything. You can kill me but I'm part phoenix so I'm just going to come back to life in a burst of flames and there's going to be a lot of ash to clean up.

Landon: I'm not helping the people who kidnapped me.
Clark: Oh, this isn't for Triad. No, they want these artifacts to stay hidden. To be clear, I want to toss them into the pit and unlock Malavore.
Landon: Wow. Uh, thanks for being honest. That's refreshing. But now I'm really not going to help you.

Hope: Have you slept at all? You seem a little-
Lizzie: Focused? Motivated? On point?

Lizzie: This is what we do. I'm selfish and then [Josie] sulks and then I offered baked goods.

Lizzie: Any word from our mop-headed elf?

Hope: I feel like if I could figure out the right thing to say then [Landon] would come back.
Lizzie: So practice. Emma has this prism that simulates a conversation. She makes me use it to talk to my mom and my dad when I'm in a state.

Landon: No offense, but I'm not going to believe anything you say. I mean, A+ for manipulation, man.

Clark: There was no monster more terrifying than dragons. On their own, no faction was any match for dragons. so an unholy alliance was formed - a witch, a werewolf, and a vampire.
Landon: Walked into a bar. I think I've heard this one before.

Lizzie: For once, your weird relationship with my dad actually comes in handy!

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Dorian: Look, I know I agreed to resume all my duties back at the school but being your designated driver was not one of them.
Alaric: Just take it easy on the turns. I'm still a little drunk.

Raf: Why is he going? He hates Landon.
Jed: Look, you're the alpha. If Landon's your pack, that makes him ours.

Hope: We have to find the school cell [phone].
Lizzie: Check MG's tighty whities. 
Josie: Really? This is serious.
Lizzie: Oh, I'm sorry. We can't all be born with resting concerned pouty face.

Hope: Now we figure out a way to get our powers back, and we kick some paramilitary ass.
Josie: Wait, dad said not to do anything crazy.
Hope: Me defying your dad isn't crazy. It's consistent.

Hope: A blood fountain? Gross.
MG: It's even grosser in person.

Lizzie: Then I can siphon the sludge out of Josie, not that she'll appreciate it.
Josie: Great, then I'll just be shot.
Lizzie: See? The new you is so snarky.

Hope: Please keep these two from trying to kill or die for each other.

Lizzie: For the love of Frodo, go rescue your hobbit.

Clark: You're the golden child. The one he was trying to create, remember? The perfect son. The one who could create the new bloodline. Because of you, he'll be able to launch the species.
Landon: I'm 17. I'm not interested in, like, procreating or whatever, okay? Especially if it means I'm spawning an army of evil minions.
Clark: Oh, didn't I mention? You're just the host.
Landon: The what?
Clark: The host. Biologically speaking, you're the living organism-
Landon: I know what a host is! I've seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

Alaric: I told you to wait for me. 
Hope: In a shocking turn of events, I ignored you.

Lizzie: You do not get to be the martyr. That was my job.
Josie: I'm obviously better at that, too.

Burr: So you think you're a superhero or something?
MG: Honestly? Kind of.

[Dorian shoots Triad guy]
Alaric: Yes! You are definitely getting a raise!
Dorian: With dental.

Nia: Would John Stewart leave the Corps hanging? Hell no. Cause he's the best Green Lantern, and you know it.

Kaleb: They say revolution is messy, and I'm okay with that.

MG: You told me once - we're faster, we're stronger, we're better. Deep down, they know that. So just be better.

Veronica: We were misled. The artifact was never here. And Burr, he took it too far, pointing guns at children. He'll never work in the field again.
MG: If that's supposed to be an apology, it sucks.

Landon: Ow, how do you even do that without your seeing eye horse? Or is it more of an emotional support horse?

Hope: You're great at riddles. We should probably add fight training to your coursework though.

Hope: He won't die! You know sci fi stuff. Help me! How do I kill him?
Landon: Uh, Headless Horseman is more fantasy.
Hope: Get to the helpful part.!
Landon: In the Tim Burton movie, they defeated him by giving him a bride. That wouldn't be my first choice.
Hope: Me neither.
Landon: In the OG cartoon, he had a pumpkin head. He might keep it with his horse? Correction! He's got it under his cape. Kill the head, the body dies. That's science fiction!
Hope: Great. One head coming up.
[Landon catches the head]
Landon: Oh, gawd, why is it moist?
Hope: Uh, give me, give me.
[Hope impales the head]
Landon: Suck on that, Tim Burton!

Landon: I know it looked like I was losing when you got here, but that's just how phoenix combat looks.

Alaric: You're at Triad Headquarters?
Hope:: Yeah. Uh, don't worry though. Everyone here is dead.

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  • 4 months later...
  • 2 months later...


Josie: I thought you said yoga was karate for lazy people.

We're going to cast a persuasion spell to stop Tara from getting a pixie cut.

Josie: [Vardemus] is such a pompous ass.
Jed: At least he hasn't tried to kill us all yet.

Alaric: There's a surprising amount of overlap between troll and cyclops.

Landon: I'm sorry. We shouldn't have gone out if you were getting sick.
Josie: I'm not sick. I'm allergic to seaweed.
Landon: Sushi is like all seaweed.

Josie: I'm always the caretaker and today really freaked me out because you didn't need me at all. If I'm not fixing problems, I have no idea where I belong in your life. I was stupid and I was jealous because I'm just afraid there's no place for me and that's just how I am with boys and girls. Apparently I'm just always codependent and ridiculous.
Landon: Or you've just never been in a relationship where what you want matters.

Landon: I'm pretty sure I'm a fraud. Everyone says I stopped malavore but all I did was wake up next to an empty pit.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Dennis: Don't screw up the spelling this year. There's one I in dick.

Dennis: We vandalize the Salvatore School every year. It's tradition.
Ethan: So's the electoral college.
Dennis: Never heard of them. Their football team must suck.

Sheriff Mac: This looks pretty self explanatory but do you want to give it a shot?
Hope: Toxic masculinity mixed with outdated sports pranks?

Ethan: Who doesn't like getting dropped off at school in a cop car?

Lizzie: This is way more important than football - even though I'm awesome at it.

MG: Landon pulled his groin combing his hair once.

Landon: Foster care didn't have a football team.

Vardemus: Let us begin our annual rite of American excess.

Alaric: Caroline picked my replacement herself. There's no way that she's going to hire a...a weirdo with an umbrella.

Hope: I know that this looks bad.
Landon: No, it looks like magic.

Landon: I'm not the droid you're looking for, so please move along.

Lizzie: Do I look pretty when I play quarterback?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Lizzie: I spent a lot of time bettering myself over the summer and I need you all to rise to my level.

MG: How's it going?
Lizzie: Terrible. I mean, I'm great, but everyone else - terrible.

Lizzie: Friends should support each other. If I'm happy, you're happy.

Landon: Ever since you got back, your sentences have averaged three words each.
Raf: That's not true.
Landon: That's three words.

Landon: Go fail chemistry.

Josie: He said we came to protect the bonsai headed boy.

Sebastian: I have but one question to ask.
Lizzie: No, I am not a virgin.
Sebastian: Do you have access to a moderate to large supply of human blood?

Lizzie: I'm guessing you're possessed by an insanity demon. Welcome to the club.

Josie: Lizzie, are you okay?
Lizzie: Nope, I am super crazy. At least there's a reason this time. The demon's in me.

Josie: There's so much black magic in [the samurai sword], it hurts to hold.
Lizzie: It probably won't feel much better getting stabbed by it.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Hope: You are literally the only person on the planet who knows that I exist.
Lizzie: Epic former frenemy reunion is going to have to wait.

Lizzie: Speak your truth. Spill your beans. Tell your tale.
Hope: Why didn't you tell [Josie]?
Lizzie: Because I didn't want to be the one to break her heart. That's your job.

Hope: We have to get to the school to protect Landon.
Lizzie: More like protect Josie from Landon by warning her she's about to have sex with a human sized muppet.

MG: Can you see [Sebastian]?
Kaleb: All I see is a dude who can't respect boundaries.

Kaleb: Ask [Sebastian] what he wants.
MG: He wants us to find his body. He says he's been desiccated in a box somewhere. He's a little vague on specifics.
Sebastian: I am vague, because, as aforementioned I am desiccated in a box! 
MG: I'm a pacifist but if you touch my hair again, we will throw hands.

Raf: [Josie] thinks it's going to happen tonight.
Landon: No, there's no way. Dude, sex after a dance is so-
Raf: So, what? Eighties?

Vardemus: Principal Saltzman, I'm afraid I must remind you that you are prohibited from being here - by court order.
Alaric: Relax, Fumbledore.

Hope: What's wrong with this decade?
Lizzie: Reaganomics? Recreational cocaine? Jams?

Lizzie: Why are we in our grandparents' decade?
Keeper: Oh, yeah. Sorry. It's the only decade I know. Turns out you miss a lot of pop culture when guys in black suits drop you into a giant pit of goo.

Lizzie: What is wrong with you? Do you really have that much of a martyr complex that you couldn't just oh, I don't know, ask one of us how we were doing?
Hope: Look, I know that it seems kind of-
Lizzie: Dumb? Selfish? Controlling?

Kaleb: Dude smells worse than that blood fountain.
Sebastian: Oh, you're both weaklings.
MG: Shut up. Your face look like beef jerky.
Kaleb: Oh, is he here? Tell him to talk to me.
Sebastian: Oh, as much as I would love that, in my diminished state, I can only appear to the fragile-minded like you.
MG: Um, he says that you have to be on, like, the same spiritual wavelength.
Sebastian: Oh, this is maddening. The rancid blood that you two turnips bumbled on me was inadequate. But with enough fresh blood, I will surely be restored.
MG: Yeah. No way we're doing that.

Dorian: Uh oh, angst alert. Landon's journaling.

Alaric: Let me get this straight. You don't know who this vampire is or how he got down there, just that he's been desiccated for some unknown reason, and he wants you two to wake him up.
Kaleb: Um, yeah. That about that about covers it.
Alaric: Unless I'm missing something, I would say let him rot.
Kaleb: We don't even know what he's doing down there in the first place.
Alaric: Neither do I, but it's safe to say that no one is desiccated for being too nice.
Kaleb: Okay, but that doesn't mean he's guilty. And even if he is, what crime equals that kind of time?
Alaric: Hypothetically, the slaughter of a couple dozen villages.

Hope: Arrow.
Frank: Sorry!
Lizzie: Be more careful next time, Frank!

Lizzie: I'm ready to take this maze and shove it up your-
Keeper: Maze? Oh, no, this isn't a maze. It's a labyrinth. Know the difference? 
Lizzie: Do I look like a nerd?

Kaleb: Rise and shine, brother vampire. Talk to me like the rain, and I will lie here and listen.
Sebastian: You're a poet.
Kaleb: Nah, that's Tennessee Williams, bruh.

Josie: Landon, you know that we don't have to dance tonight if you don't want to. 
Landon: Really?
Josie: Yeah.
Landon: Okay, cool. We also totally don't have to have sex tonight. Um, in case your use of dancing wasn't a metaphor.

Lizzie: My friend gets out, right?
Keeper: She is set free from the eternal pain of the labyrinth, yes.
Lizzie: That was very carefully worded.

Alaric: I want the school to succeed, which means you have to succeed so, please, be better than I was.
Vardemus: That's a very low bar. Is this the part where you punch me in the face?
Alaric: Only in my mind.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Kym: Come on, show me the cool stuff.
Kaleb: This is school. There's nothing cool to see.
Kym: It's a school for vampires, witches, and werewolves. There's no way I'm leaving until I see something Harry Potter.

Hope: Is it possible to die from a paper cut?

Ethan: How did that guy win an election?
Hope: Democracy isn't what it used to be.

Rafael: I'll be lucky if Lizzie doesn't talk trash about me.
Landon: You deserve trash. Sweaty gym sex trash.

Freya: Magic and privacy don't mix well.

Sebastian: My eyes! What is this?
Kym: It's called vervain, I think. Cool, right?

Sebastian: Unhand me, you turnips!

MG: I sort of accidentally made [Lizzie] think she was having a psychotic break.

Landon: Wait, there was a minotaur?
Lizzie: Yeah, not everything's about you.

Hope: I'm less worried about me being with Landon than I am about you blowing my secret to him.
Lizzie: Relax. I'll just ask him about Star Wars and then he'll talk the whole time.

Lizzie: Now that you've watered the garden of Josie's eternal flower, I would think that you would hold that to be sacred.
Landon: Please tell me that's a metaphor.
Lizzie: My point is once you bone, you can never unbone.

Lizzie: Tell me - where do you stand on ewoks?
Landon: I mean, they're basically teddy bears! And who hates teddy bears? If you hate teddy bears, that's all on you. That's all I'm saying. Especially teddy bears that took down the empire. That's where I stand on ewoks.

Kym: So super speed and immortality? Being a vampire's pretty sweet.

Landon: I need help! Why does everyone assume I have super strength?
Lizzie: Trust me, no one thinks that.

Landon: Can you make us invisible and break open his cell?
Lizzie: I guess. Why?
Landon: We're going to do what every great sci fi franchise does - Kong versus Godzilla, Alien versus Predator.
Lizzie: We're going to suck?
Landon: That's blasphemy. No, we're going to let the monsters fight.
Lizzie: Ugh, this is a nerdgasm, not a plan.

Sheriff: It seems like every woman you're involved with meets a tragic end.

Lizzie: Josie and Landon didn't have sex which means you might still want to plant your flag on Muppet Treasure Island.

Hope: It feeds on secrets, right? So let me have it.
Lizzie: I prefer to die with dignity.
Hope: Okay, fine, I'll start. I stole your butterfly clip in fifth grade.
Lizzie: I loved that clip!
Hope: I had a crush on Josie for a week when we were fourteen.
Lizzie: Read my lips - the two of you are never happening!
Hope: Lizzie, focus.
Lizzie: I accidentally killed your hamster. I siphoned you to cheat on finals. And I actually think you're kind of cool.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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  • 2 weeks later...

Sphinx: Your reward for answering correctly is to know that you are in the presence of the master of the ancient lands - the all holy ever divine sphinx.
Hope, Lizzie, and Josie: ...
Sphinx: People are usually more impressed.

Vardemus: Technically, the only person who has to do anything dangerous is Hope. What do you think she'll say?
Landon: Probably that we lost our minds and should stay out of the hero business.

Sphinx: I am not a protector of oracles. I am the oracle. And seeing as you've answered my riddle correctly, you've earned yourself an answer to any question.
Rafael: First thing they teach us in Monster 101 - don't listen to the monsters.

Hope: Tell me how you feel.
Landon: It's not about what I feel. It's about doing the right thing.
Hope: There's a shelf life on doing the right thing. If you wait too long, it's just wrong.

Landon: I didn't know I was so afraid of needles. I guess I'll have to add that to the list - small spaces, bugs with wings, doors on hinges.

Lizzie: Remember, just casually walk by him and as soon as the sphinx sees you, I'll use magic to open the bars and then he'll grab you and take his new toy back to Malivore.
Landon: You make this sound easy and fun when it's actually gruesome and terrifying.

Clarke: Not what I planned, but at least phoenixes are immortal.
Landon: Now you die tomorrow. Boom! I rule.

Sphinx: There are two prisoners. One is the master of his cage. The other returns home without power. The sins of the father are visited upon the daughters here. And not here. New hero rises but can be felled by the golden arrow. The wolf among you has many faces. When time fractures, darkness overwhelms. But the greatest destroyer of all is love.

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Hope: Ah, yes. I did a spell to alter your appearance to turn you into the most vile thing I could imagine.
Clarke: I just look like me.
Hope: Then I nailed it.

Clarke: There's still time for you to come to your senses before you toss me into the pit.
Hope: One - it's more of a ditch. Two - I'm really looking forward to it. And three - you're trapped inside a magically created body that expires at midnight. Save your breath. There's no one coming to save you. You're going into a grave you dug for yourself.

Kaleb: Don't be a Scrooge, Hope. It's Christmas!
Hope: No, it's October.
Kaleb: Christmas is a state of mind.

Lizzie: You want me to quest for Frodo Baggins, don't you?

List of suspects:
1) Jack Frost
2) Heat Miser
3) Yeti
4) The Grinch
5) Frosty the Snowman

Sebastian: You command this vessel like a drunken pirate.

Alaric: Someone bring me a crossbow.

Lizzie: Hop in, hobbit.
Landon: Lizzie?
Lizzie: One more word and I will feed you to the flames of Mt. Doom myself.

Santa: Belief is what makes things real.

Alaric: I thought I killed that damn thing!
Santa: Language, Dr. Saltzman.

Sebastian: You people talk entirely too much when action's required.

Sebastian: You're only angry because your plan to abandon me has failed.

Clarke: I think I'm jealous of you, Hope, because you're just as screwed up as I am but your friends still love you. I guess I always wanted to believe my father could do the same.
Hope: Anything can be real if you believe in it enough.

Sebastian: I'm glad you accepted the truth. You fancy me very much indeed.
Lizzie: I fancy sex with you. The jury's out on all the rest.
Sebastian: Would more copulation convince you I should stay at the school?

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  • 1 month later...

Hope: Moving on means letting things go.

Alaric: I just like to stride confidently and nod at people.

Dorian: I touched base with Caroline. She wants us to track down the real Vardemus and make sure he's okay.
Alaric: I'm more concerned about the fake Vardemus enrolling a 500 year old vampire in my absence.
Dorian: Technically, Sebastian was in a coffin for 483 of them but yeah.
Alaric: But we have our recruitment bylaws.
Dorian: Which Vardemus revised.
Alaric: Not to mention a lengthy admission process.
Dorian: Which he waived.
Alaric: Did you know that he got rid of the espresso machine?
Dorian: He was more of a tea person.

Gary: Uh, Ted? Got a sec? You know it's crazy hat day and you're not wearing a crazy hat.
Necromancer: How could I have made such a mistake?

Sebastian: Tell me, what powers does a phoenix possess? Surely it's more than merely dying often.
Landon: That's kind of it. I'm cool with it though. I mean, everyone else has the hero angle covered here. I'm better as a sidekick.
Sebastian: I imagine it would be nice not to killed quite so easily. Sorry about last time, by the way.
Landon: No worries. You're not the first person around here who's killed me.

Landon: What's up?
Josie: The usual - getting rid of magical evidence before my dad overreacts. Anyway, see you later.
Sebastian: Is this what they call teen drama?
Landon: Shut up.

Necromancer: Will you be my acolyte?
Chad: Hell yeah! What's an acolyte?
Necromancer: It's a fancy word for follower.

Necromancer: I can't remember who I stole the knife from. I remember the man with the anger issues and the impressive jawline but there was someone else.

Lizzie: So you get to see all of these amazing alternate universes but then eventually everything just resets back to normal and the heroes don't even remember any of it? Lame!

Lizzie: We've been having a lot of sex and my mind is telling me to stop but apparently my body didn't get the message about how much of a feminist I am so I'm trying to avoid [Sebastian] until he is inevitably kicked out out of school and comic books are the literary equivalent of a cold shower.
MG: That's actually a graphic novel.
Lizzie: Okay, yeah, that's good. Keep saying stuff like that.

MG: [Sebastian] makes [vampires] look bad with his old ass Dracula ways.

Necromancer: Is that sarcasm in your voice? Let's not ruin this momentous occasion with a tone, Chad.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Lizzie: What if we try Dad's idea but better?

Hope: Alyssa Chang has me all worked up. That girl has no boundaries. She takes all of my stuff and every day she has a new scented candle.

Kaleb: Look here, Snoopy, I know you haven't been housebroken, but I'm going to need you to get out of my way.
Jed: Or what? You going to challenge me to a dance off?

Wade: I can't see it. I lost it
Hope: Lost what? Landon's fashion sense? Sorry, I didn't mean that.
Landon: You said my look was classic.
Lizzie: And you believed that? Sorry - I think.
Landon: Well, I'm living a lie.

Mac: Then I get back home, and Maya is on her best behavior. And you do not have to be a cop to realize-
Alaric: That she's hiding something. 
Mac: Yeah. That's when I hear a noise in the living room. I open the closet door to find-
Alaric: Let me guess. It's a girlfriend.
Mac: I wish. It was like a clown car in there. Five kids, one keg. I don't even know how they all squeezed in there.

Wade: The Qareen does have an Achilles' heel. Its weakness is myrrh, Sinbad's scimitar, and fairies.
Hope: Don't even think about it.
Wade: Why don't you believe me?
Hope: Can you fly or shoot fairy dust or make others gleeful?

Hope: If I need someone to die a lot or be picked on, I know who to call. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that.
Landon: Actually, you did. The Qareen magnifies insecurities. It doesn't make them.

Lizzie: We can take this thing out, okay? We are three badass witches and one moderately competent bird.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Necromancer: So the miserium is just gone?
Chad: It's pretty touching though - how they put aside their differences. You've got to be more positive!

Landon: Fly, fly, fly.
Wade: Try flapping your arms.
Landon: Superman doesn't flap his arms.
Wade: Well, Superman's an alien. You're a bird.

Emma: Prophecies are like horoscopes - purposely vague so you can apply them to almost anything.

MG: I really don't get why you run when we can vamp.

Landon: Phoenix powers, activate!

MG: Hey, I'm sure you look great. No need to stress. I have an amazing pool day planned for us.
Kym: I'm not stressing about my outfit. I know I look good.

Landon: [Hope] kind of wears the pants in our relationship.
Cupid: Oh. Have you tried both not wearing pants? It's very freeing.

Landon: I hereby bring this meeting of the Super Squad to order. Now I know what you're thinking - we're not heroes, and you're right, but I believe that we can join together and equal one relatively capable hero.
Wade: Is this supposed to be motivational?

MG: I think you've got banging...self-esteem.

Landon: Look, I'll respect it this one time, but you can't be calling shotgun times infinity.

Hope: I thought I killed you.
Pothos: No, you thought you killed Cupid. But I am his taller, hotter, cooler, older brother Pothos.

Kym: I almost got sliced in half by a witch today. And Cupid turned out to be some heart-eating asshat.
MG: Welcome to the Salvatore School.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Jade: You know, we wouldn't even be here if you could just control yourself.
Diego: It's not me. It's the turn. When the full moon's coming, something just happens to me.
Wendy: You mean, like, you become a wolf?

Kai: Come with me if you want to live.

Kai: Welcome. I call it Fort Parker. It's a bit moldy but also rent-controlled so I try not to complain. Flavored vodka? It's no Zima but then again, nothing is.

Kai: You are one of the Saltzman twins. I can smell the Gemini on you. The real question is are you Linda or Joanie? I can never tell you two apart.
Josie: I'm Josie - named after my mom who you killed.
Kai: Okay, here we go. Look, technically, I was trying to kill you and your sister. Uh, but that's all over now so I say we just move on. 
Josie: Move on? You're a monster.
Kai: A monster would have let you die. That vampire who tried to turn you into her own personal Capri Sun - she's the real monster.

Kai: Welcome to the supernatural Hunger Games.

Kai: No answers for free. Information for information. What are you doing here?
Josie: I used a Mora Miserium.
Kai: Sand clock? Oh, don't tell me. It degraded and you just decided to drop it over here without a thought for my safety.
Josie: I tried to create a new world but a witch tricked us and we got pulled into this one instead. 
Kai: Classic double cross.

Kai: Who is out there tonight, huh? Is that Damon? Bon Bon? Katherine? Well, whoever you are, that one goes out to Alaric Saltzman! All right, cause he's the reason I am walking and talking and singing which I know we're all grateful for. So thanks, Ric, for dumping a bunch of students you couldn't control over here cause the second they got bored, they woke me up! Or is that you, Ric? No, no, no, it can't be. You wouldn't be dumb enough to come here and check up on me, would you? Oh, but grief is is complicated, right? Widowers do strange things.

Kai: Hey, look at us. We're beard bros!

Kai: I assume you come carrying Bennett blood. 
Josie: ...
Kai: How is it possible that you came to a prison world without the one thing you need to escape it?
Josie: Well, it's not exactly like this trip was planned.
Kai: Okay, so then what exactly are you bringing to this partnership? Because from where I stand, I'm the only one of us who is not useless.

Kai: You were lying. You're definitely learning.

Kai: For the record, I never lost faith in Santa being real.

Kai: Yeah, I guess I forgot to mention one thing about the whole Hunger Games - I'm kind of into it. Keeps the monotony interesting.

Kai: Oh, chin up. You're new at conning people. You'll get better at it.

Sebastian: This is what it was like every day in my time. Things were peaceful, unhurried. I miss it. But when you have my hearing, the modern world is terribly noisy.

Alaric: If you're planning on torturing me, you're going to be disappointed.

Alaric: Five people were dead, brutally murdered - fed on, ripped apart, dismembered, burned to cover it up. And not one of you showed any remorse or even admitted what you had done. I couldn't let you stay at the school. I wasn't going to unleash you into the world.
Diego: So you sent us here forever? Is that how you help your students?
Alaric: No. I made a mistake. I should have killed you.
Jade: Ooh, doubling down in the face of imminent death. Ballsy.

Lizzie: I've thought about becoming a vampire. Of course I've thought about it. If I did, there wouldn't be a merge. And my skin would stay flawless forever.

Kai: I'm not even mad about the whole blood con. Borderline proud even. Okay, I'm always mad. But in a fun, completely unpredictable sort of way. It keeps you on your toes. 
Josie: I hate you. 
Kai: Yeah. That's such a Ric thing to say.

Kai's note to Jade:
Thanks for all the sex.
                          - Kai

Josie: I don't believe you. 
Kai: Yeah, okay, that's totally understandable.

Kai: You know, you remind me of her. Your bio mom thought she was smarter than me too. But I punished her just like I'm about to punish you.

Kai: Hey, thanks for all the stories about Malivore. A portal to another dimension sounds pretty good to me right about now.
Josie: No, no, no. Malivore is a hell dimension. It's eternal darkness. You'll be trapped and alone.
Kai: Yeah, I've been trapped and alone for most of my life. I could use the change of scenery.

Necromancer: And who might you be? You're quite unlike any monster I've ever encountered.
Kai: Buddy, you don't know the half of it.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Alaric: Josie, what did you do?
Josie: I fixed [Jade].

Landon: That golden arrow is as good as found. Dorian has some of our top men working on it.
[cut to]
Jed: Come on, nerd. Just turn the damn thing on already.
MG: I'm reading the instructions!

Jed: Please, spare us your "I'm an evolved vampire" act.
Kaleb: Hey, leave him alone.
Jed: Or what? You'll sing me to death?

Necromancer: Ahh, the Salvatore School. How I've not missed it.
Kai: I told you I could get in. And they have honey ham!

Kai: Look, Mr. Necromancer.
Necromancer: THE Necromancer!

Landon: I can't believe I've lived in Mystic Falls this long and I've never actually seen the falls.

Kai: I'm sorry to stick my nose in, but [Alyssa] really doesn't like you.

Hope: You could have blocked that.
Kai: Yeah, you're right. I just wanted you to think you were doing a good job.

Hope: Thanks so much for the villain monologue.

Kai: I compelled what's his name who's with, you know, your boyfriend, curly hair - Lando.

Hope: You're lying.
Kai: You know, for once, I'm not.

Kai: Given all we've been through, this feels a little anti-climactic, don't you think?

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  • 4 weeks later...

Emma: This device was created by Professor Rupert Vardamus.
Lizzie: Eww.

Hope: You're a terrible liar.
MG: I'm a terrible detective too, but not half bad at picking locks.

Lizzie: I'm not proud of this, but I'm kind of your blind spot. You are so into me that you'll sort of do whatever I say so slap those puppies on me and maybe you'll get over your block. Or we could run way together. Maybe to a real beach - Mexico. The cops will never find us.
MG: Is this a serious offer?
Lizzie: Hell no! But the fact that you're convinced I'm a killer and you still considered it totally proves my point. Now Fifty Shades me.

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MG: You've multiplied - like gremlins.
Josie: Super villains need a squad too.

Kaleb: What if [Josie] hurts someone before you [figure out how to help her]? She just tried desiccating MG.
Alaric: And that's a good sign because she's fully capable of doing worse. If anything, I see that as proof she can still be reached.
Kaleb: Yeah, well, I looked in her freaky black eyes and I'm not so sure about that, doc.

Lizzie: Okay, that settles it. My sister is definitely a monster. Who else would decorate for our birthday party with black?

Lizzie: Merging isn't even possible. We're not 22.
Josie: Yeah, see, it turns out that's just a guideline, kind of like driving a car or smoking cigarettes. Nobody wants you to do it before you're old enough but you can.

Lizzie: I am my biggest fan and even I know that Lord Josiemort is going to squash me like a bug.
MG: That's why I'm here.
Lizzie: To clean up my bug guts?

Necromancer: After her, you wretched creation! Argh, I've got to get a faster eyeball. Mark my words, Chad, that tri-brid's planning something.
Chad: Duh, Hope's always got an awesome plan. And somehow has time for relationship stuff too.

Landon: [Vardemus] is a nice guy. A bit gullible. I guess that's how Clarke managed to trick him.

Lizzie: Are you seriously telling me that I'm going to die because I became a better person?
Alyssa: Ironic, isn't it?
Lizzie: Well, in that case, screw personal growth.

Lizzie: Are you sure that you're up for this? It isn't exactly what the Green Flashlight would do.
MG: First of all, it's Green Lantern and you know it, just like you know way too many Hobbit insults to not be a secret Tolkien fan.

Alaric: Kaleb!
Kaleb: Yes. How did you know my given name?
Alaric: The same way I know you're not British or an archaeologist.
Kaleb: I'm not what?

Lizzie: This stupid potion of yours is going to work, right? Because it tasted like feet.

Josie: You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this.
Lizzie: Apparently not long enough to think of something clever to say.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Necromancer: What have you done to my crypt?
Josie: Classing the place up a bit which means no more robes. It's tacky.
Necromancer: But they're iconic.
Chad: I was skeptical at first too but look! The curtains really do tie the room together.

Lizzie: I look so peaceful - angelic even. No wonder you had a thing for me.

Lizzie: That wreath can't go there. That is where the doves are being released which is after the video, remember?

Lizzie as Hope: I'm unique and special and for some reason, I'm really emo about it. Wait here while I go sacrifice myself unnecessarily. Wow, is she really this short?

Wade: A memory of Lizzie - oh, once she put up a barrier spell and trapped us all in the school with a gargoyle. I'm not really sure why she did that but it was pretty scary.
Kaleb: Yeah, no, more like a personal memory.
Wade: Oh, um, okay. Once she walked by me and just said, "Hard pass," for no reason.

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  • 9 months later...

Alaric: I know we've been through a lot in the last few days. Well, months really. Okay, it's been a rough couple years, to be honest, and I wish I could say the worst was over but no matter what comes next, I firmly believe that we will be able to get through it if we stand united as a school, a community-
Alyssa: Sorry, just for clarification, does our community include your daughter who murdered me and held the entire school hostage to stage a grotesque display of black magic power?

Lizzie: A freaking field day? As in an entire day spent in an actual field? That's your plan to get everyone to stop looking at Jo like she's an ax murderer?
Alaric: You got a better one?
Lizzie: I'm so glad that you asked. Based on my own personal growth, I have created a 17 step approach.
Alaric: Elizabeth, I have got time for exactly one step, and that involves you looking out for your sister.
Lizzie: Dad, that's impossible. I'll have to deploy the nuclear option which is me backsliding into using my mean girl bully pulpit to persuade everyone to forgive and forget all of the awful things that Jo did, and I'm just not that person anymore.

MG: I know this tone of voice. Please tell me what you're getting ready to do.
Lizzie: Nothing that you or I will be proud of so remember this and try to forget what I'm about to do next.

Lizzie: Don't think of it as cheating. Think of it as taking action.

Nimue: I am Nimue, the Lady of the Lake, protector of Excalibur, the enchanted blade of kings.
Kaleb: Okay, Game of Thrones, we get it.
Wade: Translation: she wants the sword that I borrowed from Dr. Salzman, which, as it turns out, is the actual Excalibur. But anyways, I figured I'd run it by you all first, seeing as odds are fairly high that she's one of the bad guys.

Landon: Would it be that bad to have a ghost roommate? I could float over teachers' desks and get us test answers. I could drift around the hallways and see what girls are into you. Ghost wingman!

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Raf: That's always been the difference between you and me, Landon. You've always wanted to be special. I just wanted to be normal, have a home, friends, and family.

Necromancer: This is the reconstituted Malavore pit. It's a portal to another dimension forged by own black hand.
Alyssa: It's an eyesore, but I guess we could throw a rug over it.
Necromancer: We will do no such thing. You clearly do not understand the power dynamic at play here.
Alyssa: Sure I do. The way I see it, this is a job interview so this is as much about me interviewing you as it is about you interviewing me. I'm not signing up until I know exactly what our mission statement is.

Alyssa: That's it?
Necromancer: Were you expecting more?
Alyssa: Kinda.
Necromancer: Your puny mind could not possibly process the profundity of my plot!
Alyssa: 1 - acquire a buttload of dark magic. 2 -  use aforementioned buttload to reenact the original triad spell and raise Malavore from the pit. 3 - rewrite the spell so that Malavore serves you instead of the triad. 4 - Malavore is your servant forever.
Necromancer: Yes, that's pretty much it.
Alyssa: I didn't say it was a bad plan. It's just a little small. I get why you're pissed at Malavore, but don't you think you should do more with all that black magic than bring him back to shine your shoes?
Necromancer: Well, he started it.

Raf: What is that thing?
Lizzie: No name, but the Fork of Saving Your Ass has a nice ring to it.

Hope: Please tell me you know where your dad keeps his stash of Bennett blood.
Lizzie: Off the record, I can think of at least three super secret hiding spots.

Oracle: Why am I returned?
Alyssa: Because you're an all seeing oracle so shouldn't you know?
Oracle: I surely could, but I quite like the way [the Necromancer] talks.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Hope: We can't really have a couples session if we're not a couple, right?
Landon: I don't know what we are.
Hope: Well, he walked away because he thinks I can't handle him being human.
Landon: Because you can't. And I didn't walk away.
Hope: Your feet physically moved in a direction away from me.

Josie: I don't get Elena at all. She can't decide what she wants and when she finally does decide, she makes this super selfish choice.
Landon: Yeah, well, I think everything around her is changing and she wants a normal life so she chooses herself.
Josie: Yeah, see? Selfish!

Landon: I don't know how I'm going to [write the Salvatore musical]. There's just too much going on. There's travellers and sirens and Bonnie just disappears for long periods of time and don't get me started on Elena and this Sleeping Beauty spell. Apparently Dr. Salzman used to be this badass hardboiled vampire hunter and I think Caroline was one of his students. That's kind of weird.

Josie as Elena: Nothing changes here. It's always the same year after year. It's just Founder's Day, Remembrance Day, Decade Dance, Tree Lighting Day, Miss Mystic Falls, Commonwealth Day, Historical Society, Founder's Display, and Prom.

Goodfellow: I did meet [Klaus] once before. Exceptional conversationalist, very entertaining. Terrible painter.

Goodfellow: You think that feeling pain and heartbreak means you've done something wrong. But we lose everyone we love eventually. Feeling that loss means you've done something right. You've opened up your heart despite the risks, and that is the legacy that you will carry on.

Kaleb as Damon: How could you be so stupid?
Jed as Stefan: I was just trying to be like you, brother.

Lizzie as Caroline: Elena, you came back! And the sleeping spell made you look completely different.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Landon: It's kind of our anniversary. The math is admittedly complicated but if you subtract the time when you were in Malavore plus the time that we were unwilling to admit we had broken up when we pretty much had-
Hope: Yeah, my head hurts.
Landon: See? Complicated.

Josie: What are you going to do?
Alaric: What I always do - fight the battle, fix the problem, and erase the evidence.

Landon: Don't worry. I'm just Obi-Wan going to take down the tractor beam so the heroes can save the world.
Hope: He died, didn't he?

Landon: What is your plan exactly?
Necromancer: To have my revenge. To fuel a spell so powerful it will send every monster within Malavore loose to rain destruction upon this world, consuming humans the way Malavore once consumed us, and to have them all serve me.
Landon: Wow, that's way more petty than I thought.
Necromancer: Everyone keeps saying, yeah. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a blood sacrifice to attend.

Necromancer: We'll have to work on that bow. Less head, more knees.

Josie: How bad is it?
Lizzie: On a scale from horrific to apocalyptic, a 12.

MG: I know how we can stop it but you're going to hate it.
Lizzie: More than dying? That's a pretty low bar.

Jed: Jed, 2. Kaleb, 0. Who sucks at killing zombies now?
Kaleb: I distracted it! Don't tell me you're going to ignore my assist again!
Jed: This isn't hockey!

Hope: Save your breath. You'll be dead before [your zombie dragon] even gets here.
Necromancer: I don't even breathe for I am the herald of Hades, the grimmest of reapers. I am death incarnate! You can't kill me.
Hope: Maybe not. But I can stick that head of yours in some very unpleasant places.

Necromancer: I should never have trusted that blasted witch.
[Landon looks at Hope questioningly]
Hope: Alyssa Chang.
Landon: Seriously? Literally no one trusts Alyssa Chang.

Sheriff Mac: I can't believe I'm boozing at Hogwarts.

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Alaric: This is all very confusing.
Hope: Because you're drunk. I really need you to focus. This is a matter of life and death.
Alaric: First things first - I'm only buzzed.

Alaric: It's not in here.
Pinky: Then try being a little more specific about what you're after.
Alaric: All we know is that it's some sort of vessel. 
Pinky: Like a ship?
Alaric: Like a jar.

Lizzie: Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey!
Josie: You're up early and in a good mood. What's wrong? 
Lizzie: Nothing, unless you consider astral projecting into a prison world to search for your frenemy's goo-ified phoenix boyfriend problematic.
Josie: That sounds dangerous. What did dad say?
Lizzie: It was his idea.
Josie: Lizzie, I don't eat bacon since I was a pig in a fairy tale.

Kaleb: Good news, bad news. I can tell you need the good news first, so I found your truck.
Alaric: Well, that was fast.
Kaleb: They call it vamp speed for a reason, doc.

Alaric: This is the therapy box. It creates scenarios.
Hope: Trust me, I know. The last time I was forced to use it, it turned me into a brassy barmaid and made me realize my relationship with Landon was doomed.
Alaric: Meaning it wasn't wrong.
Hope: We're un-dooming things, remember?
Alaric: I called Professor Vardemus. He said there's a single user setting.
Hope: Great, so then I'll just be lonely and annoyed.

Lizzie: Here's your bra.
Hope: Wait a sec, why did we come to the lake?
Lizzie: Ask Landon. He's probably off somewhere writing a song about banging you.

Hope: You can't be out here alone in the woods doing hot guy stuff. It's just not safe.
Ethan: Let me guess. The Mystic Falls maintenance man? Sorry, but I just finished pitching my tent, so I'll take my chances.
Hope: He's real, Ethan. He just killed Lizzie Saltzman. I need to find Landon. 
Ethan: So you're still with that guy?
Hope: That's your takeaway?

MG: Have you tried telling [Josie] how you feel?
Lizzie: In my own way - subtle manipulation and the occasional act of emotional terrorism. Not that she's even noticed.
MG: So that's a no.
Lizzie: It's semantics, okay?

Pinky: I know it must sound crazy to you.
Alaric: Oh, my bar for crazy is set pretty high.

Hope: Is that the artifact we were looking for? How did you find that?
Alaric: By being wildly irresponsible.

MG: I don't really drink like that.
Kaleb: And I just saw Jed naked. Make the exception.

Kaleb: Did you and Lizzie find Landon in that prison world or not?
MG: No. But I did stand up to her.
Kaleb: You? You did? You?
MG: Yeah, but in a gentlemanly way.

Lizzie: You only get one chance to make a good first impression, and you don't want to be the girl that wears a uniform to a school that doesn't have uniforms.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Lizzie: I know that you don't want to hear this right now-
Hope: I'm in.
Lizzie: Wait, what?
Hope: I'm in. For whatever crazy thing you were about to say.
Lizzie: But I had a whole speech.
Hope: I'm sure it was amazing, but I'd rather not talk right now. Let's just do anything.
Lizzie: Great. Dad wants us to run the tour for prospective students.
Hope: Except that I can't handle being around a bunch of strangers right now.
Lizzie: Okay, I knew I'd need my speech. You know, when MG and Alyssa hooked up, I wanted to crawl into a hole for days.
Hope: Are you seriously comparing Landon dying to you not realizing that MG was a good guy until it was too late?
Lizzie: Okay, well, it's not a competition, Hope.
Hope: Maybe Wade could do the tour.
Lizzie: Wade? Okay, well, you're grieving, so I will overlook that suggestion.

Necromancer: There will be no singing!

Alaric: I received a letter from a group of concerned parents. Apparently enlisting the whole school in a battle royale against the Necromancer was the last straw.

Landon: Have you ever fought in a war?
Necromancer: Done it.
Landon: Betrayed a friend?
Necromancer: Please.
Landon: Have you fallen in love?
Necromancer: Done it.
Landon: And then murdered them?
Necromancer: Of course.

Necromancer: Everything in here is psychological torture. The freezer's always locked! He's trying to drive me insane!
Landon: Or not. You remember what he said about when he made you human last time? He was trying to teach you a lesson.
Necromancer: And what lesson would this be? Never work in food service?
Landon: The customer's always right. He wants you to humiliate yourself in front of the human debris.
Necromancer: Well, he can forget it. Because singing that asinine song is something I'll... oh, never do.
Landon: What's worse torture than hiding something in plain sight? Come on, you want to be free or not?
Necromancer: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.
Landon: Oh, I think it has to be louder.

Necromancer: You were right about Hope. And I've seen her mind. She is her father's daughter. She'll cross every line to save what she loves. She'll do whatever it takes, unlike you, who just waits to be saved.

Jed: Uh, hey, man. Can I grab you for a second? I just want to apologize for, uh...
Wade: Hooking up with his girlfriend?
Jed: Yeah, that.

MG: Wade, I don't actually like playing D&D. Just because I read comics books doesn't mean I have no dignity at all. And, Jed, that's not my job to make you feel better about being a jerk. So, no, apology not accepted. I should do this a lot more often.

Lizzie: I'll take the cute vampire, I guess.
Alaric: Nope. I'll take him.
Lizzie: Fine. I'll have the witch with the cool accent.
Kaleb: Eh, actually, you two didn't see, but she was kind of vibing me, so I figured I could go in and seal the deal.
Lizzie: Ew. Wait, that leaves me with High and Mighty Granger. Like Hermione Granger, but just more stuck-up?
Alaric: Lizzie, I say this with love and absolute acceptance for who you are, but you're going to need to censor yourself just a little bit, okay?

Necromancer: I liked you better when you were unconscious.

Kaleb: Let's talk about you. What are your dreams, your fears?
Cleo: One of my fears is being stuck in a room with a man who plays piano.

Alaric: Look, sworn to vengeance, blood oath. I totally get it. But here's why I think the Salvatore School can still be a good fit.
Gunter: My God, just stake me.
Alaric: Let me tell you a story about a vampire that I wanted to kill once who eventually became my best friend.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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  • 2 weeks later...

Lizzie: I know I'm not the only one who misses the way things used to be around here. That doesn't mean that our way of life needs to change. The simple math is fewer students equals less tuition, which is why the smoothie bar has been shuttered, the pool closed, and all of our dances and trips have been canceled.

Kaleb: We really gotta up your tie game, Doc. And don't get me started on these shoes.

Kaleb: I'm thinking zero percent interest over a thousand years.
Alaric: Using compulsion to get money would be theft, and unethical.
Kaleb: You think a bank doesn't use every power at their disposal to take more than their fair share? Come on, doc, we gotta fight fire with fire.
Alaric: And burn everything down in the process?
Kaleb: If that's what it takes.

Alaric: If you are serious about taking on more responsibility around here, supervise the fundraiser while I'm gone. I don't want anyone using their power around the public, or hatching supernatural solutions to this mess, either.
Kaleb: So you just want me to stop everyone from doing exactly what I wanted to do.
Alaric: Exactly.

MG: I'm saying no now, remember? I felt like sleeping in today, and this is not a good time.
Lizzie: Do I need to remind you what you missed out on the last time that you said no to me?

Jed: Did you hear something?
Wade: Like I've been telling all of the vampires and the werewolves at this school, I don't have supernatural hearing cause I'm a freaking fairy.  Sorry, man. That was a surprisingly deep resentment I've obviously been repressing.

Hope: How could you keep a Malivore monster a secret from me?
Lizzie: I'm sorry. Did I miss that wee little badge he's wearing that says, "Hi, Malivore sent me"?
Hope: I'm serious, Lizzie.
Lizzie: So am I, Hope. Our school is in trouble so forgive me for prioritizing that over your emotional needs for once.
Hope: My emotional needs?

Kaleb: So you regretting enrolling here yet?
Cleo: That depends. What exactly should I know about Malivore?
Kaleb: Short version - he's a super old mud dude who ate a bunch of monsters back in the day and keeps them trapped inside of him like it's another dimension. But we took care of it. It's cool now. He's locked in a prison world.
Cleo: What exactly should I know about prison worlds?
Kaleb: Well, you know how prisons are messed up.

Kaleb: Hey, I know we've all thought about it, but don't kill Lizzie.

Hope: If my time at the Salvatore School has taught me anything - when in doubt, do a locator spell.

Josie: The people I love always leave. Or hurt me. Or both.
MG: Maybe this is bad advice coming from someone who's just been dumped and cheated on, but you can't let that stop you.

Cleo: Should we split up? Or is that against monster hunting rules?
Hope: No, it's actually a great idea. You're a monster hunter now?
Cleo: Were you a sculptor before this morning?
Hope: Point taken.

Hope: If you run into any trouble, just scream.

Ethan: You know, if you're going to cut class, coming to school kind of defeats the whole point.

Alaric:  Are you with Hope?
Cleo: We split up. It is a long story, and probably one that will make you angry from what I gather.

Josie: I want to get to know you better, but I have no idea how. And I have all of this baggage, and I just don't want to mess it up.
Finch: Well, standing me up is definitely a weird way to show that.

Kaleb: So how did your day go?
Alaric: A leprechaun tried strangling me with that thing, so, you know, the usual.

Cleo: Your obsession with Landon is all consuming.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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MG: Seriously, Jed? After what you did, you're going to dis me like this?
Jed: Dude, you're an even bigger pariah around here than I am, so as much as I appreciate you taking the heat off me, I can't.

Cleo: I will say one thing about this school - it has an abundance of candles.

Lizzie: I understand why you want to go charging into Mordor, but we don't even know if Frodo is still alive.

Lizzie: You certainly put the ASS in astral projection.

Lizzie: You know, you're not the only one who lost a boyfriend in a tragic prison world mishap.

Alaric: If we don't get Landon tonight, we have to wait another month.
Lizzie: If he's survived past his expiration date this long then maybe he can last another 30 days. He's like cheez wiz.

Alaric: You two captured this thing?
Kaleb: Uh, yeah. More or less.
Alaric: Let's start with the more.

Alaric: Go get some of Landon's personal items. It'll need some of those to identify his soul.
Kaleb: Nerd stuff. Copy that. We're on it.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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  • 2 weeks later...

Alaric: I guess the saying is true - those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
Landon: Actually, the original quote is from George Santayana who said, "Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it."

Landon: I always miss the good [monsters]. First there was the mummy and then a minotaur and now a leprechaun.

Kaleb: Lizzie, the last time we went against Doc's plans, a leprechaun nearly killed him with a necktie. Maybe ponder that for a sec.
Lizzie: This is my pondering face.

Lizzie: At least I'm doing something instead of moping around because MG left.
Kaleb: I can tell that you're in a bad mood so I'm going to refrain from pointing out your involvement in that too.

Lizzie: As your new bestie, you mooning over [MG's] comic books is a little creepy.

Lizzie: Oh, yes,, the adventures of trench coat guy and Tinkerbell.
Kaleb: First off, that's John Constantine and you damn well know it.

Hope: You were going to summon a monster behind my back?
Lizzie: Please. Like you weren't planning on doing the same thing. And knowing you, you would have released a kraken with a muppet allergy that would have wiped out the rest of us.

Hope: Why don't we summon a cherub? They're basically flying babies.
Lizzie: With bows and arrows! Cupid was a total bloodbath, remember?
Landon: Um, he wasn't actually Cupid. And shouldn't we just wait for Dr. Salzman?

Alaric: Let's stretch the hammies!

MG: Your dad has questionable timing and extremely questionable taste in athletic apparel.

Hope: He didn't kill it. It's molting. What kind of creature does that?
Lizzie: Butterflies? Frogs?
Landon: Gremlins! Oh, it is definitely a gremlin. Oh, awesome!

Lizzie: I don't get it. How does something so cute become this?
Landon: Duh, feeding them after midnight.
[Lizzie, Cleo, and Hope all look puzzled]
Landon: Oh, come on, you've never seen-
Kaleb: Disrespect. It says right here, nerd. That's what gremlins feed on.
Landon: Okay, well, then the movie, which you all still should have seen, obviously took some artistic license.

MG: Is there any possibility that you told [Ethan's] mom about vervain?
Alaric: Son of a bitch.

Lizzie: If you really wanted to help, you could slather yourself in honey.

Hope: Who's going to stay here and keep an eye on the school?
Kaleb: You mean Landon. You missed the part where I suck at protecting people.
Landon: Kaleb's right - not about the sucking.

Ethan: Holy crap,, is vervain your kryptonite?

Landon: No way! It's like gremzilla now!

Landon: I figured out how to defeat the gremlin. Disrespect makes the gremlin stronger and respect weakens it. In hindsight, that actually makes a lot of sense. It probably shouldn't have taken hours of research.

Ethan: You're a vampire?
MG: It's nowhere near as dope as getting bitten by some radioactive bat or anything.
Ethan: It's still cool as hell! Super strength, super speed. The blood thing is a bit of a bummer.

Alaric: The last person I want giving you relationship advice is Damon.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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MG: First of all, do not ever say that terrible superhero name to me again.

Ethan: Do you want to skip PE and bring down Mystic Falls' vast underworld of petty criminals?

Landon: You said Rasputin, Napoleon, and Einstein all held this thing?
Alaric: And Queen Elizabeth I.

Hope: She's like a walking horror movie.
Landon: That's awesome!

Landon: I had a wendigo in the monster pool.
Alaric: Rookie mistake. It's never a wendigo.

Lizzie: Step two - you need to sneak out of a bad party together. I call this the "wanna get out of here?" moment. Step three - we can skip this one. It involves a missing pet or some sort of non-life threatening emergency, but step four - this is where the real fireworks happen. The spontaneous life highlight. I'm talking night swimming. I'm talking impromptu road trip. I'm talking-
Dorian: Slow dance in the parking lot during an actual school dance.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Cleo: Perhaps muses cannot choose whom they inspire. Or I am terrible at being one.

Alaric: What's next?
Landon: Mind meld.
Kaleb: Wow, let me guess who came up with that thunderbolt.

Jed: It worked. I know how we defeat Malivore. We summon a time travel monster to send us back in time and stop him from being born.
Kaleb: Where is Lizzie with the zinger when you need her?
Hope: She had a far greater duty this morning. And I quote, she had "a fashion emergency."

Alaric: Maybe we're going about this all wrong. Instead of you trying to inspire us, maybe you just need to focus on what inspires you, like a song or a work of art.
Kaleb: Or a special someone.
Hope: Great. If Kaleb's game is the answer to our problems, then we're doomed.

Hope: Now all we need to do is find our necrotic friend and make him an offer - his blood and the duplicate ascendant we need for the severing spell. And in exchange, I will free him from the prison world.
Landon: I take it back. That's a terrible idea.
Hope: Don't worry, I'm going to screw him over.

Landon: I, for one, can't think of anything more romantic than strolling hand in hand through a postapocalyptic hellscape.

Ethan: Maybe this wasn't the best plan. Superheroes are supposed to save people, not kidnap them.

MG: Go to school and act normal while I deal with this. The Blur and E-man got to take a day off.
Ethan: Fine. I will sign off on laying low, but not the superhero names.
MG: What? Um, E... money? E-commerce?

MG: Lizzie. How long have you-
Lizzie: Long enough to know that you've been playing dress up with a muggle.

Lizzie: I'm a witch. But I like to think of myself as Josie's sister, first and foremost.
Finch: At least I know where Jo's damage comes from now.
Lizzie: Okay, my sister has terrible taste in women as it is but there's no way that I'm letting her near a cold-blooded killer.

Hope: Think he'll go for it, Landon?
Landon: I am not Landon. I am the dictator of departed souls. The monarch of the macabre.

Landon: You sure this is [the Necromancer]?
Hope: I'd know that terrible fashion sense anywhere.
Landon: Wow, something actually killed The Necromancer. Guess this mission's kind of a bust.
Hope: Remember the last time he died in this prison world? He's banished to this world so all we have to do is wait, and eventually he'll resurrect.
Hope: Hopefully in one piece. I don't really feel like playing Mr. Potato Head with his dismembered body.

Kaleb: I'm not fighting a mummy again.

Finch: You and Josie are twins, right?
Lizzie: How'd you figure that out?
Finch: Because you're the evil one.

Josie: How is this possible? I destroyed you with an ax.
Dark Josie: Silly girl, all this time I've been hiding inside you, waiting for the You are so gullible. No, I'm really just your subconscious projection of me. Well, it's fair that we have trust issues.

Wade: Does this remind you of anything?
Landon: What could this possibly remind me of?
Wade: Rulien's Keep. This is exactly how our guild trapped that owlbear, remember? Our first 30-hour marathon session? We got kidney stones because we drank so many energy drinks, but you wouldn't stop until the lich's phylactery was destroyed.

Wade: Stand down! Stay your hand, ghoul, or face the wrath of Fangsbane. Maybe not so much wrath, more like a stern lecture.

Josie: If we're wrong, Hope dies. Are we really willing to risk stabbing her in the heart based off of some board game?
Wade: Technically, it's a tabletop RPG.

Wade: As defender of the school, the lot falls to me. But I'm only acting in that capacity because the real protector of the school is currently a monster.

MG: About Ethan-
Lizzie: I won't rat you out. You can continue the amazing adventures of Nerd Man and Geek Boy.

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Alaric: Lizzie felt bad about what happened so she found a Wiccan wellness retreat to help her manage her control issues, among other things.
Josie: And her being alone in the woods with a bunch of other witches sounded like a good idea to you?
Alaric: Yes, it did, because I am working on my control issues, too.

Ted: It's all lies. You truly expect me to believe that I'm some egotistical sap who calls himself the Necromancer? Or that I harbor simultaneous vendettas against you, your school, and a mud man who goes by the preposterous name of Malivore? All of which I hate so much that I've traveled across the very fabric of time and space, beyond the reach of death itself, to have my revenge?
Alaric: Pretty much.
Ted: My name is Ted. I'm a simple man who does a job few wish to, but one that brings comfort to others.
Josie: Which conveniently involves being surrounded by dead people.

Ted: Why are you making me do this?
Josie: Short answer? We used to be black magic frenemies which turned me into a Hot Topic supervillain so standing up to you feels like personal growth.
Ted: And the long one?
Josie: There is this girl that I really like but then werewolf drama, witch drama, and twin sister drama, and it all got screwed up, so making you the Lord of Limbo somehow weirdly feels like a less impossible fix.

Landon: Is spelling me into places your answer for everything?

Ted: I can't raise the dead.
Alaric: You just did. Briefly.
Ted: Then I choose not to. Please respect my decision.

Alaric: I need you to bring me the ghost of Leonardo da Vinci.
Josie: Wait, that's plan B?
Ted: My answer remains. And between us, I've always been more of a Michelangelo guy myself.

Ted: If what you told me about who I was is true, then I don't wish to be that person ever again.
Alaric: Look, people don't change, not deep down. You're still the guy who laughs when grandpa blows up.

Hope: In case you hadn't noticed, I sort of suck at acceptance, so I'm going to need some proof.

Alaric: So what does that even mean? 
Jed: I think what he's trying to say is he needs to use the bathroom.
Ted: Ghosts don't pee.
Alaric: Jed, I thought you said you spoke Italian.
Jed: What I said is that I've been to Rome on vacation so a little bit. Espresso. Prego. Pizza.
Alaric: Great. So if he's hungry or thirsty, we know who to call.
Jed: Well, maybe if you let us have Internet access at this school, we could translate what he's saying.

Landon: You can be actually immortal if we activate your vampire side.
Hope: By which you mean die.
Landon: Oh, potato, po-tah-to.

Finch: Did you use your magical powers to set this [alarm] off?
Josie: No, I just shook it a bunch. It's surprisingly heavy.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Kaleb: The next time you're planning something shady, you should remember that there are vampires here that can hear you.

Josie: This place was literally built for people like us.
Finch: Jo, let's be real. It was built for you and your sister.
Josie: Fair point, but I'm just a student here like anybody else.
Finch: No, you're the headmaster's daughter who fits in here. I'm a loner from Mystic Falls High who hates group activities. Those two things aren't the same.

Hope: I have a confession to make. I used a locator spell to find you. I just needed to make sure-
Landon: I'm really me? Smart.
Hope: I mean, I know that, you know, this should be enough proof, but I mean, I keep telling myself, like, it's actually you but, you know, I just, after everything that's happened, I just want to make sure.
Landon: Like "dig through all my stuff when I'm not there" sure?
Hope: I was about to confess that, too.

Alaric: I need more information.
Kaleb: Not a problem. I'm on it.
Alaric: No, you're not because you've already made up your mind.
Kaleb: Hold up, if those are the rules then it can't be you either.
Alaric: Excuse me?
Kaleb: Oh, come on. Your mind's been made up from the jump, Doc. You're sitting up in here reading a book about da Vinci, trying to figure out how the artifact works so that you can lock Cleo away again. And your track record of sending problem kids to prison worlds proves that.
Alaric: That's a low blow. But you're not wrong.

Alaric: I'm sorry for interrupting what I'm sure is a phenomenal tour because of your guide, but something urgent has come up.
Josie: You're being vague, and you're embarrassing me.
Alaric: Okay, well, then, maybe we can talk in private, because it's only going to get worse from here.

Hope: Landon, are you okay?
Landon: I'm assuming that's rhetorical.

Josie: Never make a deal with the bad guy.

Josie: Correction, only make a deal with the bad guy when you know how to screw him over.

Finch: Everything on your end go okay?
Josie: Uh, yeah, if by okay, you mean me realizing that I am a spoiled princess, flitting about a castle that my daddy built for me, yeah, yeah, it went awesome.

Landon: I am the son of Malivore. You are the loophole who defeats him. We exist to destroy each other.

Cleo: You kidnapped me.
Landon: Yeah. You tried to murder my ex-girlfriend.
Cleo: Big day for you, too?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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  • 3 weeks later...

Josie: Maybe you can help me with something.
Hope: Does it involve punching things?

Josie: Lizzie, where have you been?
Lizzie: It's a long story. The haiku version - Hope was right again.

Dorian: You used to hunt vampires, Ric. I thought you knew how dangerous rippers can be. I guess you've changed.
Alaric: I'm trying to. Assuming the worst of people has only ever brought out the worst in me.

Andi: So you don't harbor any negative emotions?
Hope: I just don't need your help controlling them.
Andi: When we aren't in control, it's difficult to trust those who are.
Hope: Oh, no, I don't trust you because you're a fraud.

Andi: No supernatural ever worked for Triad. We were imprisoned, locked in cells and forced to do their bidding. Locator spells, concealment spells, even torture, all the while being drugged to stay compliant.
Lizzie: Well, maybe your sob story would land a little better if you weren't doing the same thing to every witch here.
Andi: Said the self-indulgent daddy's girl who's never had a real problem in her life.

Dorian: You're not gonna believe it, Ric. Wendigo.
Alaric: Come on, it's never a wendigo.

Alaric: MG needs to work on his superhero name.

Josie: I don't think I can do this.
Lizzie: I thought you loved drama class. Just act like a brainwashed idiot and get me on that stage.

Hope: Should we tell ghost stories by the fire while we wait for whatever horrible thing's gonna come crawling out of there?
Josie: I know a scary one. "The Tale of the Crappy Friend Who Told You You Deserved to Be Dumped."

Alaric: You could always come back to school, especially now that the wendigo trashed your Batcave.

Lizzie: We are tripping balls, man!

Lizzie: I came here because I thought I was messed up, but look at me. Look at my fur. I am a badass panda.

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Hope: This feels a little cult-y.
Lizzie: We're just a collection of like-minded individuals all following the teachings of a brilliant and charismatic leader.
Hope: Right. Make that a lot cult-y.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Doorman: Password, or I'll shoot. Now!
Lizzie: G-A-N-D-A-L-F, the number four, E-V-A.
Hope: Gandalf forever? Really?

Josie: Wow, I am so good at cleaning up your messes and supporting you. It's almost as if I was written to have no wants or needs of my own.
Lizzie: Don't make me unplug you.

Ethan: There's an old Ric Saltzman that lives out on the rim.
Hope: And it didn't occur to you that General Alaric Saltzstar, and old Ric Saltzman might just be the same person?

Josie: Ninjas in space? Seriously?

Alaric: Look, I'm really sorry about what you're going through. I can't help but feel a little responsible.
Dorian: Um, and you should because this is all your fault, Ric.

Lizzie: You smell like feet.

Alaric: You know, I came to Mystic Falls to find the Star Sword. But then I got here and I realized that's a lot of work. Fomenting a revolution, that's a real drag, man. It's not all pew-pew-pew and heroic speeches. I mean, the insurgency seemed like a good idea when I started it. But, you know, it's only destined to become another form of government. So I'm just happier here, off the grid.

Lizzie: Since when do ninjas have guns?

Hope: I wrote a sequel to your story.
Lizzie: Is there anyone in this freaking galaxy who has not read my diary?

Hope: Emma found me, and she told me to write my own story, one where I was the hero and we could all be friends.
Josie: Well, we're friends now, so why didn't you tell us?
Hope: Well, I didn't think that my unauthorized fanfic would be a part of this hallucination. Plus it's sad and embarrassing.
Josie: As embarrassing as Dak Romo?
Hope: Not even close.

Jed: Okay, nobody panic. I got this.
Kaleb: I'm definitely panicked if we're relying on your reading comprehension skills.

Jed: All right, let's go, MG. Time to kick your own ass.

Lizzie: Today was weird, right?
Hope: If you find ominous weird, yeah.
Josie: Hope, we were literally on drugs.

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