Quotes

[Cranberry]

All from the pilot:

 

Amy: How are we gonna explain to people you went blind last night?

Karma: Brain tumor pressing on my optic nerve. Which I'll have removed to make a triumphant return. Preferably at prom.

 

Amy: We hate high school during the day. I doubt we'd like it better at night after it's been drinking.

 

Amy: My friend's getting us beers. She'll be right back and she's much better at small talk.

 

Shane: I was you once, so terrified of rejection. It took me forever to come out. But once I did, fourth grade got so much better, trust me.

 

Amy: We'll just walk in and tell them we're not gay. Thank God the voting age is 18; teenagers are idiots.

 

Karma: Come on, we're getting a photo shoot! You know how long I've been perfecting my smize.

 

Karma: His lips are the perfect blend of soft and firm; they're like two tiny Tempur-Pedics on his face. And his eyes, it's like they're peering into my soul.
Amy: You said the same thing about Ryan Seacrest.
Karma: This is different! Liam's parents are rich, but he drives a beat-up bio-diesel, which means he's socially aware; his best friends are a gay guy and a feminist, which means he's tolerant and accepting of strong women; and he's an artist, which means that deep down inside he's wounded.
Amy: If only he were a vampire, he'd be perfect.

[Cranberry]

From 1x02:

 

Lauren: Tickets, please!

Shane: Names of your dates?

Lauren: Ryan Gosling.

Leila: Bradley Cooper.

Lisbeth: Harrison Ford.

Lauren: Lisbeth, enough with your grandpa fetish. It's gross.

 

Liam: You get way too much pleasure torturing her.
Shane: Please. She's so two-dimensional, she's practically a character in Glee.

 

Amy: You just have to meet my mom and pose for a couple of photos. I promise my house has great lighting.

 

Amy: I asked for butch, not Matthew McConaughey from Magic Mike.

 

Principal Penelope: Karma, there you are. Where's Amy?

Karma: Uh, she had to go home and... feed her fish.

Penelope: [laughs] I love lesbian humor.

 

Shane: If I had known we were going on a caper, I wouldn't have worn boots. They're so loud.

 

[Amy stabs the van's tire]

Shane: You scare me; I like it.

[Cranberry]

1x03:

 

Amy: You don't get someone to fall in love with you; they fall in love with you because of who you are.

Karma: Yeah, well I've been me for 15 years, and no one's fallen for me. Except for you!

Amy: [uncomfortable laughter] Very funny.

 

Penelope: I'm all for a good protest, kids -- I went to Berkeley. 

 

Karma: So, uh, how come I haven't seen you around Hester before?

Soleil: Most of my classes are independent studies. They give me course credit for the various community outreach programs I'm involved with, as well as my work abroad with the Red Cross. You know how it is. 

Karma: Totally. I'm a lesbian.

Soleil: Good for you.

 

Amy: You know, bathrooms usually provide that for you; you don't have to carry your own.

Oliver: Trust me, in a few hours this stuff will be more valuable than bitcoin.

Amy: So while your fellow students rise up against injustice, you exploit them for a quick buck?

Oliver: Don't hate the player, hate the game.

 

Karma: Who's that cute boy you were talking to?
Amy: Oliver. We just met, but so far I don't wanna poke his eyes out with scissors.

Karma: Seriously? That's huge!

Amy: I know!

 

Oliver: And all I had to do was get the serial numbers to all the locks, call the manufacturer, pretend to be the janitor, and they mailed me every key to the school. Super easy... did that make me sound creepy?

Amy:  No, not at all. But please tell me the next stop on this tour isn't the incinerator.

Oliver: Oh, God no. No, the incinerator is for special occasions only. Anniversaries, Valentine's Day, that sort of thing.

 

Liam: She is so damn sexy. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-

Karma: No, no, I'm with you. I mean, look at her... flawless skin, and those... perky, round breasts.

 

Amy: What do you even know about Liam except he's the hottest guy in school?

Karma: I know that he's into protesting things, and he fights against corporate greed, and he has integrity!

Amy: Maybe he can lend you some.

Karma: You need to eat. You're always bitchy when you're hungry. And so what if I like the hottest guy in school? I'm a fucking teenage girl.

 

Shane: Okay, there's no easy way to say this, so I'm gonna rip the band-aid right off. There's something going on between Karma and Liam.

Amy: What? No. Karma and Liam, she would never... yeah, you're right.

 

Amy: We're faking being lesbians. Karma is. I'm not so sure.

[Crim]

Oliver: You still watching What Not to Wear on channel four?

Amy: No, I switched over to 8. They're playing a new episode of The Biggest Loser.

[bravelittletoaster]

Amy: "Not another fucking protest."

(I loooooove that MTV lets them swear in the script and just bleeps it out. I far prefer letting characters speak naturally and just bleeping it out than skirting the issue. Substitute swear words are like 555 phone numbers for me. Plus arrested development trained me to find the bleeps themselves funny.)

[Crim]

^ I agree. The repeated bleeps during the "another van!" scene were hilarious.

[Cranberry]

1x04:

 

Amy: Hey! What are you doing right now?

Shane: Going to school like a normal person. Did you snort some meth this morning?

Amy: I need you to help me find a girlfriend. I think.

Shane: Amy, you already have a girlfriend. If these people find out you're faking it, they will lynch you and not even notice the irony.

 

Amy: Hey. Whatcha studying?

Cute girl: Anatomy.

Amy: That could come in handy someday.

Cute girl: Hopefully. I really wanna go to med school.

Amy: Why bother when we can play doctor right now?

Cute girl: You're joking. ...Right?

 

Shane: Lesbians don't wanna just hook up, you know? They wanna bond, and they wanna nest, and they wanna fall in love and let themselves go.

Amy: Sounds amazing. How do we make this happen?

 

Amy: I'm already faking one relationship. If I'm going to have a real one, I want her to like me for me.

Shane: That's not how online dating works.

 

Jasmine: I heard about your lesbian homecoming queens. Sounds like a gay Hogwarts. 

Amy: Yeah, it's really open and accepting, and I feel bad for hating it.

Jasmine: No, it's cool. It's still high school, you know?

Amy: Yeah, I don't know why they keep making movies and TV shows about it.

Jasmine: I think it's so we won't forget how terrible it was.

Amy and Jasmine: Like World War II.

 

Lauren: Wow, I look-

Shane: Banging, I know. And you didn't even have to show your boobs. I just can't stop changing lives today.

Lauren: Thank you.

Shane: Hallelujah.

Lauren: Still hate you.

Shane: Still hate you too, boo.

 

Karma: If it make you feel any better, my parents are image-obsessed, too. I mean, not because of money, but they're just soo into being alternative. We talk way too much about chakras.

Liam: Ooh, let's call child protective services.

Karma: I'm just saying, I never really felt like they got me until I came out, and now they're so excited... I'm worried they think my sexual orientation is the most interesting thing about me. I don't know why I'm telling you all this.

Liam: It isn't. The most interesting thing about you.

 

Amy: I don't wanna meet another girl.

Shane: A boy?

Amy: I don't wanna meet another boy.

Shane: That limits your options.

Amy: It won't make these feelings for Karma go away.

Shane: Well then, at least we know what you are.

Amy: We do?

Shane: You're a Karma-sexual. 

 

Amy: She's been my best friend since kindergarten. If I tell her, things will get weird, and we'll drift apart, until one day we'll meet in line at the grocery store and say polite hellos and pretend like we didn't once know everything there was to know about each other. 

 

Also, not a quote, but Amy's list of things she hates:

Someone who likes reggae

Someone who wears sunglasses inside

Someone who pays for jeans with holes in them

People who overuse employees

People who like nuts in their brownies

People who think conversate is a word

Girls who wear cowboy hats

People who think mayo is better than ketchup

[Crim]

Amy: Yesterday I blew up at her because I was jealous of Liam. Who does that? Trashy women on reality TV, that's who.

 

J: I wanted to tell her but knew I'd risk everything if I did.

Amy: Yeah, exactly. What did you do?

J: I finally told her.

A: And?

J: And... I'm on a date with you.

[Cranberry]

1x05:

 

Amy: Got one.

Karma: Is it... someone you hate.

Amy: Mmhm.

Karma: Matthew McConaughey.

Amy: Mmum.

Karma: Uh... Bristol Palin.

Amy: Come on, get your head in the game.

Karma: Judi Dench!

Amy: Finally!

 

Karma: Wow, you really got a knot right here.

Amy: Mmmhmm.
Lauren: You two can stop acting like lesbians now, okay? I know the truth.

Amy: We're not acting like lesbians; we're acting like best friends.

Lauren: Please. I was worried you were gonna ask me to crawl back there and join you for a threesome.

Karma: Ew.

Amy: You wish. Ooh, okay, thinking of a person.

Lauren: Not fucking 20 questions again!

 

Shane: So, what's your favorite movie?

Nate: My favorite films explore the emotional destruction caused by 9/11.

Shane: You know what, I just realized my parents are getting a divorce and I no longer believe in love. Please excuse me.

 

Lauren: Are you adopted? Because you are nothing like your mother.

Amy: Whom you hate.

Lauren: Stop saying I hate her! I don't! We've spent time together, and now I like her, okay? We both enjoy shopping, and pedicures, and yogalates, and even though she's 20 years older than me she's the best friend I have in this stupid town.

 

Liam: They have an open relationship. It's fine!

Shane: Really. So if Amy knew about this, you honestly think she'd be okay with it? I don't get it; you never hook up with girls with boyfriends. Why would a girl with a girlfriend be any different?

Liam: That must be why it felt wrong! I have too much integrity!

[idiotwaltz]

Shane: You have to smell the flowers in her attic later. Now! 

 

I seriously LOLed at this. 

[Crim]

I LOL-ed at that too. That was a nice reference.

 

Amy's mother: Amazing, huh?

Amy: Yeah. Just this morning this looked like a kitchen, now it's Martha Stewart's prison cell.

 

Lauren: This isn't gonna come out of my hair until I shower.

Amy: That's what she said. *snort*

L: Classy.

[Cranberry]

All of the adorable babies on Tumblr are too young to get that Flowers in the Attic joke. They keep saying that the twins reminded them of some Game of Thrones characters.

[bravelittletoaster]

Heh, yeah, the Lannisters.  I patted myself on the back for getting both references.

[Cranberry]

I can't even tonight, you guys. I can barely remember anything but that threesome scene.

 

1x06:

 

Shane: You don't have to touch him if you don't want to. Just let Karma be at the center of this sex sandwich; you and Liam can be the bread, and then you'll finally see if she prefers whole grain or sourdough.

Amy: Why do I have to be sourdough?

 

Shane: Dance partner? Ahh, Bigot Barbie comes with her own Closet Case Ken!

Lauren: Bigot? For the record, I've never been anti-gay. Just anti-you.

 

Lauren: You go through guys like a chainsaw through puppies.

 

Shane: Let's Black Swan those bitches!

 

Amy: Fuck it. Is this a threesome or a staring contest? Let's do this.

[mjgchick]

Oh and also

Amy: I'm not going to have a fuckin threesome with you and Liam.

I seriously love that these kids talk like normal people.

[bravelittletoaster]

I know, I saw someone in a review complaining about the bleeping and the only response I could formulate was, "No, you are wrong."  Heh.  I love that they talk like actual humans [at least in my salty milieu].

Edited May 28, 2014 by bravelittletoaster

[superman1204]

Amy: He's all you ever talk about.  You're like a horny parrot.  Liam Booker.  Liam Booker.  Liam Booker.

[Cranberry]

1x07:

 

Shane: She felt something when you kissed and now she’s pushing you away!
Amy: You think? I mean it was really hot; I’m surprised that cheap motel didn't burst into flames.
Shane: Ugh, I love lesbian porn; it's so elegant.

 

Amy: It was like… you know when you’re outside on a sunny spring day and you see a butterfly and you go "ahhh" and then the world stops for a second, and then it’s gone? It was like that.
Shane: Wow.
Amy: Wow, no. Not wow.
Shane: Not wow?
Amy: No. Wow was kissing Karma. If Liam was spotting a butterfly, Karma was spotting a soaring eagle and oh my god I was with her and it was magical and I wish it could last forever.

 

Amy: You're not gonna break your Gay Scout's honor, are you?

Shane: They would strip me of my badge in leatherwork!

 

Liam: Is this 'cause I kissed Amy at the threesome? It's pretty uncool to invite a guy into something like that and then get upset when he participates.

 

Karma: I'm the planner!

Amy: And what does that make me?

Karma: The... executer. Sounds badass!

 

Leila: It's so sad they're breaking up.

Lisbeth: They got me through my dog dying. 

 

Lisbeth: I bet it was poor communication.

Leila: I bet they fought about money.

Tommy: I bet it was their threesome.

 

Liam: Not interested. Let's go get stoned and play video games where we blow shit up.

Shane: I like the words coming out of your mouth.

 

Karma: I was the one who invited Liam into a threesome with me and Amy. Why, I don’t know. What can I say, I’m confused. I don’t know what I want. All I know is that I don’t wanna hurt a guy who’s truly great, and I don’t want to lose Amy, the person in this world who means the most to me. I never meant to hurt her. I never meant to hurt any of you.

[Cranberry]

Oh right, I forgot to actually post these.

 

1x08:

 

Farrah: Amy, we talked about this! Nana is downstairs!
Amy: Thank God she didn't barge in five minutes ago when we were 69ing.

 

Shane: I've been tying my own bowtie since I was eight, okay? It's my thing.
Liam: I thought your thing was saying "Gay S-"
Shane: IT'S MY THING.

 

Farrah: Do you think my mother suspects Amy's a lesbian? If she finds out, I will never hear the end of it.
Bruce: Honey, your mother couldn't pick out a lesbian at a Melissa Etheridge concert.

 

Lauren: What a perfect night. I don't know if I've ever been this happy.
Pablo: I almost believe you.
Lauren: Whatever do you mean?
Pablo: Tommy dumped you, and now you can't stop smiling and talking like a duchess.
Lauren: First, my smile is genuine. Second, my diction is appropriate for the occasion, and third, I'm the one who dumped that piece of shit.

 

Karma: This is our song!
Liam: Okay, yeah, I've never really had a song before, but yeah.
Karma: No, no no no no. Not ours as in "ours," ours as in mine and Amy's.

 

Liam: Just checking, are you sure you and Amy are broken up?
Karma: What are you talking about?
Liam: Well I saw the two of you dancing; you sure looked like a couple.
Karma: We're faking it. Big time.
Liam: I just don't wanna be like those sad women on Dr. Phil who date married men that promise to leave their wives, but they never do.

 

Amy: I suck at giving speeches. So, I'm gonna try speaking from the heart. Mom, Bruce, you're lucky. You've fallen in love with your best friend. The person who accepts you at your worst, the person who laughs at your stupid jokes, the person who knows you better than you know yourself. I would kill to spend the rest of my life with that person.

 

Karma: Amy, can we talk about that toast?
Amy: This really isn't a good time for constructive criticism.
Karma: I think I finally understand why you always get so upset anytime I mention-
Amy: Liam? You brought him here? I saw him crawl out from under the table like a cockroach.
Karma: He showed up. I didn't invite him, I swear.
Amy: I thought the two of you were done. Why didn't you tell me?
Karma: Because every time I talk about him, you flip out.
Amy: No I don't!
Karma: You're doing it right now. And I think I know why.
Amy: Trust me, you have no idea.
Karma: Amy, do you have feelings for me?
Amy: What, no. Ew.
Karma: I can tell when you're lying.
Amy: Oh, really? Because I've been lying ever since we kissed at the Homecoming assembly.
Karma: You've had these feelings for weeks and you never told me?
Amy: I was afraid I'd lose you.
Karma: You could never lose me. Look, this is no big deal. Right now you're just confused, and then-
Amy: No, no. I'm not. I know you felt what I felt during the threesome when we kissed.
Karma: Amy-
Amy: There's a spark between us; you can't deny it!
Karma: Was it hot? Yeah, but-
Amy: At first, I didn't wanna have these feelings either. They're scary! But they're scary because they're exciting. Like bungee jumping. And I know you've always wanted to try that.
Karma: Please don't-
Amy: Karma, step off the edge with me. Everyone already thinks we're lesbians; let's- let's give the people what they want!
Karma: Stop!
Amy: I love you!
Karma: I love you, too, Amy. More than anyone else on earth. Just not like that.
Amy: But... how can you tell if you don't try?
Karma: I slept with Liam.

 

[Lauren slides Amy a piece of cake.]
Amy: Is it poisoned?
Lauren: No. But it's what I wanna eat whenever I get dumped.
Amy: I didn't get dumped.
Lauren: I was eavesdropping from the bathroom.
Amy: I'm guessing you plan on extorting me?
Lauren: Will you just shut the fuck up? I'm trying to empathize.

 

Amy: Tommy's an asshole.
Lauren: Yeah. Well, Karma's a bitch.

 

Karma: Well, I told Amy about us. It didn't go well.
Liam: Yeah. It must be hard to break up with your FAKE girlfriend.

 

Pablo: Before we go any further, I'm celibate.
Shane: I'm a Gemini.
Pablo: No, I'm not having sex until marriage. Can you wait?
Shane: Totally. Not even oral?

 

Drunk Amy: My mom paid for half of this wedding; just put it on her tab.
Waiter: I think you've had enough.
Amy: I've had enough... of your insolence.

[Cranberry]

2x02:

 

Theo: I just moved here from Decatur to live with my grandma 'cause my pops went to prison for sleeping with one of his patients.

Liam: That sucks.

Theo: Yeah. And he's a veterinarian.

Liam: ...

Theo: I'm just fucking with ya; he's a pediatrician.

Liam: [laughs, then] ...Really?

Theo: No, not really! Wow, you're gullible.

Liam: Yeah, I guess I am.

Theo: He's a mortician. But leading with the other two doesn't make it sound as bad.

[paulvdb]

Karma: "It's not like I know how to stop being irresistable."

[JaM]

Lauren after that disgusting drink:  "Now, it's MY turn..."

[CaliforniaLove]

Amy: she's been too dazzled by Edward's disco ball skin to see that they'd be perfect together!

[reshma rahman]

Do you know what shane meant when he said "and I'm a gemini" in reply to "im celibate"