Witty Musings: The Quotes Thread

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Antoinette: You are pushing a wheelbarrow full of horse shit up a very steep hill.

Antoinette: What? I haven't had a drink in ten years. It's like visiting your boyfriend in prison. You know he's no good for you but you still like look at him through the glass.

[bunnywithanaxe]

Akalitus(on the phone):

"You listen to me.I spent my day off at a pathetic medical equipment auction in New Jersey bidding on a refurbished medfusion syringe pump for the E.R. I won. I put it on my credit card. You approved this. If I don't have a check on my desk in the morning, I'm gonna come down there and kick your ass! ...Thank you, monsignor."

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jackie: Gloria, you bought a penis car?

Gloria: I didn't buy a penis car. I WON a penis car in a poker game last night.

Roman: Do you know what kind of women troll those sites?

Coop: I'll let you know!

Coop: I really don't need your help.

Thor: Favorite movie: Goodfellas?

Coop: It's a classic.

Thor: And a red flag that you're a mouth breather and all the fun that brings.

Coop: The Notebook?

Thor: Put your sensitive self out there, Coop. Trust the experienec of a middle aged man who recently found his soulmate online.

Coop: Really? New boyfriend? What happened with you and the mime?

Thor: We never talked.

Coop: What do you think of the picture? It's too-

Thor: Yes.

Coop: What? It's friendly and dignified.

Thor: You're selling sensitivity, not reverse mortgages. We'll take another. Favorite book?

Coop: Definitely The Shining.

Thor: Perfect. Catcher in the Rye.

Zoe: All we do is have sex or talk about work. What is that?

Jackie: It's a relationship, Zoe.

Antoinette: I once blew a guy for a daiquiri. Shit happens.

Jackie: No, it's an old habit. I cheated on my husband with the hospital pharmacist.

Antoinette: Oh, I knew I liked you!

Thor: Don't tell me. Your tenth grade math teacher saw your dating profile and sent you a bathroom selfie.

Coop: My online dating profile attracted a top-rated semen scout. My semen is highly prized.

Jackie: .....

Gloria: I want you to understand that I simply cannot fix everything here.

Prentiss: She called a meeting to tell us that?

Edited April 21, 2014 by ElectricBoogaloo

[bunnywithanaxe]

Most shameless use of 12 step language to manipulate a situation-- the award goes to Jackie Peyton As she busts out Charlie to get rid of  the receptionist at rehab:

 

You're only as sick as your secrets! Keeping his secret is hurting my recovery!

[bunnywithanaxe]

Coop: "Does fucking [sam's] girlfriend make me a total dick?"

Eddie: "No. A lot of things qualify you to be a dick. You are firing on a lot of cylinders, Coop-- A lot of cylinders."

[bunnywithanaxe]

Prentiss (fretting over the uselessness of the power wash to remove his very special graffito): "You're gonna need to do more than that. It's like getting a bad Yelp review!"

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jackie: Here's something that none of you know about me - I'm a card shark.
Thor: I can't tell if you're kidding.
Jackie: That's how good I am.

 

Jackie: Eddie, poker party at my place tonight.
Eddie: But you live in abject isolation.

 

Jackie: Look at this place!
Kevin: It's all Mia. She says Astoria is the new Williamsburg. These kids like beef jerky in their drinks.

 

Gloria: Zoey, weakness means strength. Strength means weakness. They're crazy, slow down. They slow down, go crazy.

 

Jackie: I can't be in a relationship based on secrets and lies.

Edited May 5, 2014 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Zoe: Excellent party last night. I went home, got on the computer, and adopted an orangutan.

Thor: Drunk donating?

Zoe: Yeeeees.

 

Eddie: Where would we be without kids and their jackass stunts?

Prentiss: Helping people with real emergencies.

 

Zoe: What part of being a really serious emergency room doctor is a bad thing?

Eddie: The asshole part.

 

Sister: Who is that?

Jackie: That's Dr. Roman.

Sister: Why is a doctor dressed like that?

Carrie: Please forgive me, sister. I liked it and it was on sale.

 

Zoe: I've got batik, butterflies, batik butterflies, or plain blue. Oh, squirrels! People really like squirrels.

 

Thor: Is she wearing scrubs with heels?

Coop: Yes.

Zoe: And a belt.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Zoe: Quick, favorite opera, go.

Thor: None, I hate opera.

Jackie: Never been, can't afford it.

Zoe: You two are like the grumpy old men from the Muppets who FYI love opera so much they live in an opera house.

 

Antoinette: I say this with all love, but Frank has got to go.

 

Zoe: You want to watch the last scene with me? I found it online so I know how it ends.

Jackie: Do I need context?

Zoe: Some woman has TB. It's sad.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Zoe: I feel like I owe you breakfast. Do you want some delicious cold pizza?

 

Coop: Hey, Zoe. You okay?

Zoe: I'm fine. How are you today?

Coop: I'm great! I mean fine. Not great. I mean also fine.

 

Roman: That was humiliating. So glad I went to med school.

Zoe: Yes, because your feelings are more important than saving a life.

 

Roman: I think we actually have a lot in common.

Zoe: Yeah, no, not really.

Roman: We both dated doctors. We both got dumped. We're both girls.

Zoe: That's not a lot.

 

Jackie: It's weird, huh? You giveving me drugs so I don't get high, and in this room.

Eddie: The circle of life.

 

Carrie: Jesus gets the best reception!

 

Prentiss: You do look sad. Why don't you put Jesus back on?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Coop: Carrie, I'm not introducing you to my moms until I know this is definitely something real.

Carrie: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that you were fucking a pretend vagina every night.

 

[Eddie unzips the garment bag to look at the dress Jackie is wearing to Kevin's wedding]

Eddie: Wow, Jesus, that is some O'Hara shit.

 

Helen: For someone who wants to be dead, [Helen]'s still pretty alive.

 

Mia: I am definitely too old for this tradition but I sort of love everybody handing me cash.

[ElderPrice]

Zoe: "Do you think that there's always a finite amount of pain? I mean, if I remove a splinter from someone's hand, does that pain have to go somewhere else?"

Jackie: "Yes. That's why there's drugs."

Edited June 22, 2014 by ElderPrice

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jackie: I will tell you who's working while impaired. Doctor Carrie Roman.

Gloria: Impaired how?

Jackie: By thinking she's a doctor.

 

Jackie: Andrew, honey, how are you doing?

Andrew: This is the worst experiment ever!

 

Jackie: Zoe, you have to believe me.

Zoe: I did believe you. I always believed you.

 

Coop: My sperm may be slow, but they are relentless.

[LuciaMia]

 

Zoe: Some woman has TB. It's sad.

TB, like that narrows it down!  Anybody know what opera they went to see. It doesn't sound like La Boheme.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

I thought it was La Traviata.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Akalitus: That was a shitload of pills Jackie got arrested with. Where do you suppose she got them?

Eddie: I don't know. Shitload of pills dot com?

 

Jackie: You and your donuts.

Gabe: Fuck donuts. It's a churro.

 

Gabe: Jail sucks.

Jackie: Really? I liked it.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Zoe: Where are the dunks?

Gloria: What you wear signals something to others, Zoe.

Zoe: I think speed and comfort are two very good signals.

 

Eddie: You sound like a French vampire.

 

Matt: You into urban camping? Public sleeping?

Jackie: Uh, no. I like a bedroom.

 

Jackie: [smoking] is a disgusting habit.

Carrie: I know. I love it too.

 

Eddie: A man surprises you with a house. How does that go over?

Gloria: First I'd be offended, then I'd be thrilled.

 

Zoe: Do you know how stressful it is to watch someone you admire pee in a cup? I don't know what to say afterward? Thank you? I'm sorry? Go fuck yourself?

Thor: Just take the pee and leave, Zoe!

 

Thor: This girl needs a xanax.

Zoe: What? No. I don't.

Thor: Everyone pops a xanax every now and then.

Eddie: I take one before I call my mother. We have a great relationship.

[bunnywithanaxe]

Coop: "Did I miss a people-people?"

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Coop: What places are completely off limits for the proposal?

Carrie: Off the top of my head, Union Square. Any kind of planetarium type place. The Olive Garden. Nature walks. Nature trails. Vista trails of any kind that I have to walk to.

Coop: You are so specific. I love that about you.

[Coop leaves]

Thor: If you don't want to get married, you have to tell him. It's not nice.

Carrie: Will you tell him?

[Thor leaves]

Vivian: Why don't you just dump him in a place where he don't know nobody and nobody knows him. That's what the people who love me are doing.

 

Zoe: I can't do what I do without caring. I'm not a doctor.

 

Vivian: That's a lot of old people.

 

Jackie: He's surprisingly easy going for a drug dealer.

 

Gabe: Sober people are fucking nuts!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Eddie: People are looking at us, you know.

Jackie: Really, why is that?

Eddie: Because we got that thing everybody wants.

Jackie: A suitcase full of drugs?

 

Coop: 'Ello, guvna!

Carrie: He thinks that's how they talk in Boston.

 

Dr. Prince: You are good.

Jackie: For a janitor.

 

Coop: I'm wicked excited!

 

Norwegeian guy: I have the utmost respect for your profession.
Jackie: Mopping?

 

Jackie: A doctor and an optimist.

Prince: I've been called worse.

 

Coop: This is so weird. Who am I going to talk to while they're trying to do work?

Jackie: There are people to annoy everywhere, Coop.

Thor: I'm sure you'll find someone. The question is who's going to get on our nerves now? You are really leaving a hole, Coop.

 

Coop: I like [Prince]. Now I don't want to leave.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jackie: You are a man of many vices.

Prince: Says the jailbird nurse.

 

Prince: Date like you're afraid to die alone. I was like that after every divorce.

Carrie: How many times you been divorced?

Prince: Four.

Carrie: Wow. So you're an expert. And a cautionary tale.

 

Best sign at the walk out: FUCK NORWAY

Zoe: That is not our slogan!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jackie: What's a pill mill?

Eddie: Sweetie, you don't know what a pill mill is? You?
Jackie: Don't you think that if I knew, I would have been using one?

 

Waiter: Madame, may I bone your branzino?

Gloria: Actually I would prefer to bone it myself.

Prince: She used to be a mohel. You don't by any chance do tummy tucks, do you? Might damn fine boner.

 

Nurse: I notice a few gaps in your patient background, Mr. Walters.

Eddie: Yeah, sometimes I forget stuff.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Thor: Why are you walking like a deranged cowboy?

 

Thor: It was a rush job. I had to get Ruben on my insurance. And I love him and I want to be around him forever.

 

Thor: I will not fall victim to catastrophic bad taste because of your failed relationships.

Carrie: My relationship with Coop failed by choice.

Zoe: Prentiss and I consciously uncoupled.

 

Zoe: Did you call a DJ?

Carrie: I have fourteen thousand songs on my iphone. I'm a party in a purse.

Zoe: Uh, we don't have speakers.

 

["Last Dance" by Donna Summer plays over the intercom]

Thor: Really? This song? Really?

Ruben: You hate disco.

Thor: Why do you think I'm crying?

 

Norwegian: I heard there was a party in my office. Why are you making that face?

Gloria: I was hoping you'd be angry.

Norwegian: Ah, Mrs. Akalitis, I am Norwegian. I am raging inside but you will never know.

 

Gloria: Did you test Jackie?

Zoe: We're at a wedding! Why do you want to talk about pee?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jackie: You're a very sensitive man.

Eddie: I'm not sensitive. I punched a guy with this hand.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Zoe: Sometimes [Prince] is a little too upbeat even for me.

 

The Norwegian: Sex and the City. You girls talk with one another about the sex. You have brunch, no?

 

Jackie: Do you want to take off the fanny pack?

Vigilante Jones: It's not a fanny pack. No, it's a utility belt. No, I won't be taking it off.

 

Zoe: You had sex with the asshole who closed our hospital.

Carrie: Who told you that?

Zoe: He did. Because he's evil. Why are you with him?

Vigilante Jones: Do you need help? Because where evil lurks, danger follows.

 

Jackie: Do you have [Gloria]'s address?

Zoe: Birthdays, addresses, you know I have it all!

 

Jackie: I brought you soup.

Gloria: I'm not sick.

Jackie: Well, it's not soup. It's actually a bunch of Diet Cokes but I didn't want to come empty handed.

Edited June 22, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jackie: Are you going to Fee's confirmation?

O'Hara: Yes, of course I'll be there tomorrow - cause you're my friend, Jax. Why do you have to make it so fucking hard to be one?

 

Zoey: I need to make my own mistakes that have nothing to do with you.

[mywinston]

Zoey: Oh, fuck e-vites! The French Revolution didn't have e-vites! Oh, no, it's high noon, mothafuckas!

[mywinston]

Zoey: What's escrow?

Akilitus: The air between the trapezes.