New Girl Quotes

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Jess: You think I have a wonky knee?
Nick: The left one's perfect but the right one's got some stuff. Why do you think I always let you take your own pants off before sex?
Jess: Because you're the laziest person I've ever met.

 

Jess: I have news for you - real women are wonky.
Schmidt: Perhaps, but like climate change we pretend they don't exist.

 

Nick: I know I'm not perfect but if you're asking me if I judge women based off their breasts then the answer is YES. Everybody knows that boobs are a direct indicator of personality.

 

Winston: If you had a jacket on with a bunch of yellow feathers, I'd be done.

 

Jess: Shut your gross beautiful face!

 

Schmidt: It's like a single tent in a vast dark forest.
Coach: It's like the letter I floating around in a bowl of alphabet soup.
Winston: Oh, that's awesome! An anteater's being born.
Schmidt: The man made it through middle school with that ghoulish raisin. He's a hero.

 

Micropenis: So then I was like screw it, grandma! I'm gonna become a street artist, yo. I mean, most people see a wall and they just see a wall. I look at a wall and I see, like, a goat in a backpack, like a ninja handing out cheeseburgers, a chill alien, you know?

 

Coach: You can't use that photo unless you're planning on posing for the Tiny Nipples of America Foundation.
Schmidt: You're one to talk, Little Miss Princess Waist.
Coach: Hey! I'm a 26 - that's normal.
Nick: Yeah, in Asia.
Coach: Who's talking to you, Depression era garbage man? I've been holding that in for two years.
Jess: Guys, stop attacking each other! He's making fun of you because he feels sensitive about his geisha waist, and you're putting him down because you've got those cute little kitten teats.

 

Micropenis: You owe me twelve thousand dollars!

Edited October 8, 2014 by ElectricBoogaloo

[Iboatedhere]

Schmidt: Pine has no place in this loft. It is the wood of poor people and outhouses.

 

Schmidt: If I wanted to see dwarves in a real time dinner scene I would've gone to Korea Town. Booyah! Ball me!

Jess: Ball you?

Schmidt: Ball me!

 

Schmidt: I don't want some janky, freshwater, bitch fish, Winston. I want a lion fish.

 

Winston: Look at me being so naughty!

[Glory]

Winston: *singing* Winston and Ferguson about to eat some pasta!

[Iboatedhere]

Jess: Hahahaha, what a dumb idea. Do it.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Nick: I'm terrible at lying but I'm great at make believe.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Nick: [Tran's granddaughter] works whenever she wants. It's this scam called consulting.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Schmidt: Nick, I want you to have this five dollars. Go buy yourself something special like a burrito.
Nick: I love burritos.

 

Winston: Hey, yo, Ceec, what up, fam? It's your girl Winston aka Winnie the bish aka aka aka brown lightning. Schmidt dropped Fawn like a bad habit, okay? So ain't nobody riding shotgun so you better get on while the gettin' is good, ya got it?

 

Nick: Hey, Jess, it's our sex mug.

Schmidt & Coach: WHAT?

Jess: Oh, nothing, it's just a mug that Nick and I used for sex.

Schmidt: EWWW. What?

Coach: Aw, gross. Like, in it?

Edited May 6, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Schmidt: This heat is untenable. It's like a Jewfro apocalypse in here. I look like a 70s divorce attorney.

 

Nick: Have a seat.

Reagan: Is that chair supposed to be wet?

Nick: It is.

 

Schmidt: Finally we can stop living like the people in a beer commercial before the beer shows up.

 

Cece: The audition's just for gas station tv. Nobody watches it.

Winston: Don't you dare downplay it. I adore gas station television. It is the intersection between information and also gas.

Schmidt: That's right. Cece, today it's gas. Tomorrow it's local news. The next thing you know, you're reporting diabetes statistics as we all watch B-roll of fat people walk across the street.

 

Winston: What the hell was all that coddling? What are you - a big bosomed grandma?

 

Winston: You can't hug and kiss Cece into doing anything.

Schmidt: Your mind would melt if you knew what I've hugged and kissed Cece into doing.

 

Cece: Why are you talking so loud? Do you have a cranberry stuck in your ear again?

Schmidt: Winston found his cop voice.

 

Reagan: How is even hotter down here?

Nick: Because the heat stays low, you dummy. It's bad enough that we're down here. I can't explain science to you.

 

Reagan: I hope that the Chicago Cubs win the World Series while you're in a coma.

Nick: That's one the meanest things anybody has ever said to me.

 

Winston: Hey, it's a blackout, not the rapture. You yield!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Schmidt: I like calligraphy option #2. It looks like a Bone Thugz album.

 

Schmidt: Please do not reach for it like you're Winston reaching for someone's breast. Treat it with respect.

 

Schmidt: Folding chairs? Jess, if I wanted my wedding to be an AA meeting, I would have called my Aunt Terry.

Chair lady: I don't think you want to marry this guy.

[DollEyes]

From "Prince," Prince, to Jess and Nick, after introducing himself: "I forgot you need time to freak out. You may do so now."

Jess: "I think Prince is magic."

Nick: "I've always thought Prince was magic."

Edited April 30, 2016 by DollEyes

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ruth: Ruth gonna do what Ruth gonna do.

Schmidt: Lillypads is the key to Ruth's future. If she gets into Lillypads, she gets into Willows. If she gets into Willows, she gets into Harvard. And if she gets into Harvard, it's a bullet train to the Oval Office. -Don't you want Ruth to be the president?
Jess: Of course I do, but you can do it without going to some pressure cooker that turns her into a robot. Meep, meep, alphabet, meep, meep, numbers.
Schmidt: Have you not seen Star Wars? Robots are helpful and often delightful.
Cece: Please don't start this again.

Schmidt: We ran into that supervillain/wax figure/former best friend of mine, Benjamin.

Schmidt: I have to run to work, so is there any chance that you could, you know, teach her how to draw a face, cut a circle, carry out a conversation?
Jess: Okay, fine. I'll do it, for Ruth, under one condition.
Cece: Sure. 
Jess: You do it on my terms.
Schmidt: What? I'm going to have to go on a craft run, aren't I?
Jess: I'm going to need pipe cleaners, glitter, glue, finger paints, and six different types of macaroni. And that's just cause I'm hungry.
Schmidt: Honest to God, you don't already have all of that in this room already?

Nick: if I don't have 20 pages by 3:00 today,  I'm gonna get punched in the face. 
Winston: Who, your editor?
Nick: No. Some guy I hired off Craigslist.
Winston: Wait, so you hired a man to punch you in the face if you don't write 20 pages?
Nick: Yeah. I have no idea what he looks like, either.
Winston: You know, I would have punched you in the face for free.

Schmidt: What are they doing?
Jess: We're practicing our breathing.
Schmidt: Oh. Oh, okay, oh, well, good, wonderful. So, you're teaching Ruth how to do the one thing she's known how to do since birth.
Jess: Do you want to get one of your other teacher friends to prep your child for free? I didn't think so. So shut your souphole. Oh, look, it's Happy Sock. We're not cutting circles; we're being circles.
Schmidt: Right. Of course. Ruth can't hold a scissor, but now she can twirl around like a goon at a Phish show. Okay, well, now you're just napping.
Jess: We're not napping, we're going on a brain exploration.

Winston: Aren't you eleven pages away from getting punched in the face?

Nick: Winston, I came here to punch you. 
Winston: Okay.
Nick: Punch you with my truth fist in your guilt nuts.

[JocelynCavanaugh]

Schmidt to Jess after she made them all come to the loft for an announcement: 

“Why do you always think like a character in The Baby-Sitters Club?”

[amaranta]

I'm doing a rewatch and I'm on CeCe's wedding.  For some reason: "I don't think the badger is actually rabid; I think he's just kind of a dick." cracked me up. 

[amaranta]

Still rewatching, I'm early in Season 6.

"When singing Toto why is it always Africa? They've got a deep catalog!"