starrynola

OK-first I want to preface this by saying that I'm 37 weeks pregnant with twins and feeling a little crazy and not going to hold back on my judging. I went to the hospital today, thinking I was in labor. I was actually looking forward to watching this in the hospital, as I watched Teen Mom on tv the night after giving birth to my 2 year old. LOL. Amber: you were never a size 0, 110 lbs. Girl PUH-LEEZE. You and Gary Shirley love to eat. That is no secret. I can imagine the nasty sex ya'll would have after loading up on Arby's 5 for $5, too lazy to even carry the food trash out of the room pre-coital bliss. I can also imagine that post-coital, you'd reach for the bag and eat that last nasty soggy curly fry you were too stuffed to eat approximately 4 minutes prior. And is that a half empty bottle of Jameson on the kitchen table??? I though you and Matt were sober? Jameson. How fucking lame is that? I used to bartend at a very high end bar with a lot of regulars. My other bartender was from Boston and drank that stuff. So did all the wannabe Irish owners and patrons. I guess Matt is good at baseball too, since he's from Boston. Him and Mark Wahlberg. And Ben Affleck. I bet they know him and can also vouch for his sobriety and good character. He's such a grifter he even had to grub on Amber's diet food. Catelynn and Tyler: What a toxic combo. Can their therapist's hair be any greasier? Where did they find her? Working at Sonic? Tyler, (IMO) is most likely in denial about his sexuality, he has an exaggerated swoosh, a bitchy attitude and his shoulder roll is popping off with the best of them. He oughta drive that Douley down here to the Big Easy, park that thing downtown and let go of some of those "resentments" he is building up. Bring Butch along for the trip---now there's a show I'd watch...speaking of shows I'd watch... Maci: Ryan's dad is my hero. He needs a show. His ass didn't even lift his HEAD FROM THE COUCH PILLOW to talk all that shit and state he would not even piss on Ryan if he were on fire. I suspect Ryan is on drugs of some kind and hitting them up for money A LOT. He was high on something, it was really obvious. An verbally demeaning poor Bentley about a haircut he has zero control over. Way to be a good dad. If it weren't for his parent's, I would say Maci needs to cut Ryan out entirely. I too wonder if he has some brain damage Farrah: Her mom must have got her xanax and vicodin refill, because she was in an elevated mood and seemed surprisingly "on". I'm sad for Sophia's fraggle rock self. Money and gifts are not affection, and she is obviously starving for real affection and is going to have tremendous attachment issues. Those interviews for her Fro-yo shop. Yowzers. That's all I got for now, hopefully I will be watching next week after giving birth--can't take these false contractions much longer.

Not even DJ Muppet Baby? Lol. Couldn't resist. Hey girl!!!

A friend of mine on a camping trip asked for my recap of this week's episode. So here it is: Teen mom:some ppl had babies about 7 years ago, one former baby named Bentlee had his tonsils out. Amber wants to go to Florida and take Leah, but Gary Shirley a man that weighs 600 lbs is her dad and does not want his daughter going to Disney with a 15 time loser named Matt that has no income. A mentally disturbed child named Sophia says some creepy stuff mirroring her moms creepy attitude. Two half wit rednecks from Michigan quiz their former ex con wife beater dad about getting a new apartment with his new "lady friend" errrrr "friend that's a lady, not a man" that he has known a week.

My friend who is on a camping trip asked for my recap of this weeks episode. So here it is: Vanderpump: 7 friends, um, lovers, um...former VD laden lover fame whores that occasionally serve pink cocktails in Hep C tinged glassware and delicacies such as "goat balls" battle with accepting the things they cannot change and not finding the courage to change the things they can. Cigarette Sally and Stassi bond over missed opportunities, red bull and vodka at noon, and being "fun". Another addict named Shay, that hovers only in beautifully frightening canvas wedding photos says the words "bitch ghost" while channeling the actual ghosts of Cheech & Chong. Two guys named Tom also lament about missed business opportunities to sling another pink colored beverage, validating their girlfriend's fears that their collective IQs are less than Forrest Gumps. A 50 something ape called Jax gets his cabbage truck girlfriend "new boobs" from his "discount Doctor friend" and it (or the 8 ball he snorted in one round) makes his face really red.

Ha- my son and I walked up to the float she was riding on before the Mardi Gras parade she was riding in. She was taking selfies. I interrupted her and asked if she would take a pic with us and she was super nice, commented on how cute my baby is and posed for a few pics with us. She was throwing out rulers with pics of face glued to them. She made a joke about them and gave us one. She was super made up, very "tan" like spray tan or bronzer. Very put together as far as makeup/hair/outfit. Last year we met Lisa Vanderpump the same way, Lisa wore a ball gown and they didn't have Giggy. They were super nice too. Pandora wasn't. A girl I was with later said she went to SUR about 3 years ago and the cast members were actually working, Jax was bartending. He was super rude, she asked him for a drink suggestion and he replied "I don't have time for that, just tell me what you want to drink". Lol, I can so see him doing that.

You guys!!! I just met Stassi!!! I tweeted @sur_alley and mentioned you guys!! Gave a shout out to prev tv !!!!!

Been watching the old episodes. Remember Cedric that lived w Lisa? I wonder what the real story there was.

Yes, I slink away in shame with both of you ladies. When he said 7 hours of sex, I thought, "yeah 7 hours of semi-hard coke dick that can't cum and has to be re fueled by constant snorting of lines". Thankfully, these days I have a program to help me deal with that shame. Ha! Cracking up over here.

Cracking up. Tired old queen, but indeed. His face looked raw at the pride party. Like a fresh chemical peel. So sweaty and gross!

Is Kevin James a low rent Bobby Trendy or vice versa?

I couldn't agree more! It was beyond bizarre her bringing up her mom like that. I got a Dina Lohan vibe from the pics it showed of them.

I'm just talking about how both of the men he worked with were saying very scripted "never thought this day would happen" lines.

You guys. Where to start!? LaLa--that lipstick shade just screams Seventeen Magazine/Clinique lipstick back to school edition circa 1996. Honey, NO ONE wears brown shades. NO ONE. Her foundation and eyeshadow are also off. Her look so screams "out of touch escort that is trashy not classy". Speaking of out of touch escorts and trashy not classy... Sheana, did she get that headboard from a Bobby Trendy wholesale warehouse in "West Hollywood"?? I swear I saw Anna Nicole and Howard K Stern take a knife to a similar one back in the day. And THOSE PICS. Whoa...just bc it's on Groupon does NOT mean you should buy it. If I had to stare at jumbo staged wedding pics on all my walls, I would probably flee the house, get drunk and never come home too. I mean, if I even had to sit in there 10 minutes, I would need a Xanax. Or a bottle of wine. Or Fireball. Or Vicodin, Xanax AND wine AND Fireball. FREAK -EE. Jax, jealous much? Also, pretty sure that he must have been punched in the face as a catalyst for this most recent nose job. The scar above his eyebrow? What is that? Also, why was he sitting out back eating like that? All casual and nasty? I got the impression he was probably eating cocktail cherries and blue cheese stuffed olives he stole from the bar fruit tray. OK--So, Shwartz has a thing for Asian guys or vice versa, bc he was definitely "outed" by two different ones that openly mocked him getting married. James. James. James. Keep it real, bro. Those DJ dreams are coming true. Maybe one day he can get a DJ gig at Planet Hollywood, or whatever casino Lisa's friend owns and have his very own "Vegas Girl" controversy next season. I'm calling it now, actually.

I'm excited to see if Eddie is still wearing that creepy fake smile, or if Satan's concubine has turned it more into a grimace! Also, I really liked Shannon last season, I hope she doesn't get the bad edit this year!

That ending was very abrupt. Maybe I'm just used to the real housewives and their little ending synopsis. But, good for Craig going back to Delaware to study for the bar this July. I think he's a genuinely nice guy and I would love to see him be successful. Shep was jealous, even though their "fight" seemed a little staged. However, Whitney is the true green eyed monster. He is soooooo in love with Thomas. I hate when people like Landon complain about not having money. She wears Prada, drives a BMW and her mother obviously has money, so she's not just some wannabe Kim Zolciak/Nene Leakes fronting rich bitch, her money runs deep. I also suspect she got a very nice divorce settlement. That home for sale was gorgeous. The staircase.... I wonder how long before Cameron is pregnant. I think she is a very pretty woman, but next to her old roommate she looked almost homely.

Wow, spot on with Keough's daughter comparison !!!

Being that The Toms are together, I would say at least one couple (not counting Kristen and Brit) ARE together, lol.

"Let's go make some bad decisions". -Jax Ok- if there were ever a time we doubted the heterosexuality of FI, Tom Shwoosh and "Jax"--it's tonight. Sharing a hotel bed is "just like old times, minus the penetration"???? Flash forward to the Toms snuggled in bed AGAIN. "Jax just keeps on eating that fudge and he just keeps on getting sick". #fixitjesus Vail reminds me of every dumb cokehead bar rat I hung out with as an undergrad, complete with the horrible taste in men and the constant excuses. Don't know what that says about me, but there ya go. Kristen is grade A crazy. The "looks" she was throwing around....whoa. BPD all the way. I'm not so sure about all these high waisted bathing suits, but I'm starting to think Stassi skipped the trip bc she didn't want to be filmed in a requisite bikini. FI's eyebrows are on point. Wait, what about poor Pandora? I imagine she agreed to work for the night bc she's tired of helping her Patrick Bateman-esque husband bury the bodies. Either that, or tired of clicking on the internet browser on their home computer to find craigslist casual encounters M4M as the last visited site.

Cracking up at Jax saying he has had "some good cries lately" to his therapist. I'd be sobbing too if I had his life. Sobbing and doing push-ups. Both Shwoosh and Katie knew of the other's infedelity. Whoever said this is just a set up rehash is totally right. Stassi seriously needs to get a life. She should be spending the night at her new apartment over eating, showering in scalding hot water to wash the Jax off her collarbone and trying on her Chico's wardrobe to take selfies and update her "blog".

Cracking up at Jax being jealous of the motorboating. The insurance thing is sooooooooo lame.

Re:the dog. "he's like a year old" "how old is he?" "omg he's a year old". SO EXCITING. Lisa is skinnier (and more tan) than Stassi and what a great White Witch "giving" Stassi the job of being her personal assistant for "credit". Just like she asks her friend Muhammed to lend her some contractors on "credit" aka in exchange for funneling him prey...er...waitresses from SUR to conquest. However, leave it to spoiled Stassi to blunder another opportunity to network in the real world. Sheaner when she did that head roll to Stassi ordering pinot grigio. Lawd have mercy, I died. Who is she? NeNe FI Tom's Oliver Twist plaid vest is killing me. No seriously. In the words of Stassi "I wanted to stab myself". Could FI and Ariana have LESS chemistry? Can someone please agree with me that Peter is the same pirate Countess LuAnn slept with on that trip? It's like the Bravo folks found him (also a bartender then, too) and were like "your days of sleeping with middle aged ex royalty are over. We think you'd be great as a manager on our new series. Pack your glass pipes and bead necklaces that you hock to sunbathers on the beach as a day job and come live the American Dream". Cigarette Sally (or whatever the hilarious nickname ya'll penned) could not be more bitter. She says she's going to give Katie the WORST SUMMER OF HER LIFE. I don't recall the worst summer of my life. hmmmm...that's an interesting concept. Let me think...maybe this summer in college when my car broke down and I was forced to ride my bike in the hot Alabama heat to my job as a debt collection agent for Walmart and Home Depot. I spent my paychecks on Jagerbombs and Michelob Ultra just like these celebs do. Wow, I didn't realize it, but I was at the "top of my game" back then too. I didn't have the days free to go to roof top pool parties with other shift working wage slaves, but I had the weekends. And you can TRUST I spent them hungover and sneaking into the apartment complex by mine's pool. I was so tan back then SO TAN. TAN AND SKINNY Edited to say: whoa that part during the commercial where Katie and British beau are washing the car and he brags about being better in bed than FI. Slaying it, Bravo. 4 thumbs up.

I guess I call him Shwoosh bc it's kinda like Shwishy which is a slang word for gay. I'm confused about Max too. Is he older or younger than Pandy? Isn't he adopted? Were there allusions to him having drug problems on RHBH? Possibly getting thrown out of college? I'm racking my brain, but can't recall.

Ariana does her hair like she is Alicia Keys circa 2009. Girl, get a clue. Also, when Stassi came in CRAVING discounted "goat cheese balls", she was all "must be nice not to come in having to dress lie an idiot". I guess what she meant was, "must be nice to come in dressed like you shop at Chico instead of Charlotte Russe Outlet in Foley, Alabama". The eyebrow threading was golden. They came in drinking beers in plastic cups? (But, switched to champagne flutes once in the back) I didn't know go-cups were legal in LA? And what was it, 930am? FI and Shwoosh are so obviously gay. They are not fooling anyone. I have to believe their girlfriends and everyone else knows. Speaking of eyebrows, Sheaners are plucked wayyyyyy too far apart. Re: the rubber dildo at Jax's apartment in that scene; no doubt Shwoosh has been using that on him after he and Jax consumed all the Vicodin in one sitting the eve following the surgery. Can't you just see them getting loaded on stolen cherry flavored vodka and wine coolers while popping pills and deciding it would be a good idea to break out the dildo? I looooooved how the camera kept focusing on the empty pill bottles. The flashback of FI getting a penis drawn on his face, dude had no fitted sheet on his bed. He really is a mess. I truly think most of these cast members have issues with various drugs. However, one time I ate dutch brownies too and had a panic attack, I really thought I was dying. It was 10 or so years ago and I haven't done edibles since. I feel ya, Shwoosh. Stassi can GTFU with her "you need to take responsibility" speech to Sheaner. Seriously? Bitch, you have NO responsibilities. Except, I guess, cultivating the look of a 50 year old with 3 grown children that beg you to "dress your age, mom". I have friends here in New Orleans that knew her back in high school and swear she was a social reject drama/goth nerd. But, she obviously comes from money, as she attended a high school that costs upwards of 20k a year. I'm sure her long term goals were always to be taken care of monetarily by her parents, followed by whomever she eventually marries. Max. Poor Max. Poor Poor Max. How hard it must be to get the brakes on your Mercedes fixed and ride around on a skateboard. What a disgrace. Shave your mustache dude. No one thinks that's cool. Next week looks good. Can't wait.