mynextmistake

I was going on the fact that one of the people posting about the wedding said JD and Abbie belong to a church in OK. Maybe i’m wrong though.

I laugh at things my daughter says in front of my daughter. She’s hilarious, both intentionally and unintentionally. Last night we were reading her a book and my husband was trying to get her to say the word “cat” by pointing to it and saying over and over “what does this say?” I finally got tired of it and said “oh for pete’s sake, it says cat.” My daughter turned to me, patted me on the arm and said “good job, mommy! You finally got it!” Kid’s got my sense of humor. I’m doomed.

One of the things that intrigues me about Abbie is that she’s a nurse. I’m a nurse, and you meet all kinds of people in this job. Abbie must have patients and co-workers who aren’t Christian. I’m betting she also works with folks who are LGBTQ, who are single parents, or who live with their partners without being married. She isn’t the typical super-sheltered new Duggar bride. It sounds like they plan to settle in Oklahoma, not Arkansas, so she also won’t have the Duggars all up in her grill all the time. I wonder if she and JD will do anything differently?

It said a breakfast buffet, not pancakes in the article. In one of the pics you can see a long table full of chafing dishes and the remnants of someone’s plate, which had part of a waffle and some fruit on it, so I think they served more than just pancakes. I think it’s a good idea — people get a filling meal with choices that accommodate a lot of dietary restrictions and it doesn’t break the bank. It’s certainly way better than a bowl of Costco snack mix and one cupcake per person, or whatever Joy had. I’m not sure where this idea that any wedding after 2 pm has to have a sit-down prime rib meal or whatever came from, but that’s not how we do weddings where i’m from!

Oh sweetie, hugs! My mom also took tetracycline so my teeth are stained and I have a huge overbite (my folks couldn’t afford braces) so I hate the way my mouth looks too. I think Abbie looks lovely, and she and JD look so happy together. I know Abbie’s family is fundie but they seem so comparatively normal... the girls wear pants, have jobs and Abbie waited until her mid-20s to marry instead of becoming a child bride like the Duggars and their spouses.

I’m really glad everyone is enjoying the Sam posts so much. They are fun to write.

Day 492. Today was a most vexing day. I was released from my cell for the evening meal period as usual. While I was eating the dried apples and library paste served to me by the female guard, I heard a ringing sound coming from the door to the hovel in which I am kept. The male guard opened the door, and there stood two captives I had never seen before! They were disguised as curiously bipedal forest animals and accompanied by another male guard. That male guard conversed briefly with my male guard and then marched the captives back down the walk to the next hut. My heart leapt with glee. Clearly, this night had been selected as a night to transport captives from one prison to the next! I had expected such an event was coming and had developed a plan to distract my guards by drawing their attention to a couple that was holding hands without being betrothed. While they were babbling incessantly about something they call “sin,” I would escape my restraints and flee. Sadly, my joy was short-lived. My fellow captive, Yaaay, asked the male guard if we were to be permitted to leave the house to travel with the other captives. The male guard said no, because “Jesus” would not approve of such an action. I am unacquainted with this “Jesus,” but it sounds as though he is the prison overseer. The doorbell was rung several more times, but the male guard refused to open the door. Finally, he muttered something about a “study group” and left the hovel. (I do not know what a “study group” is, but the last time he returned from one he smelled of fried chicken and harlotry.) The female guard then returned me to my cell, where I scrawled this entry before returning my journal to the mop bucket, where it has remained unmolested since my last entry.

When I have recharged my funny I am sure Sam will have something to say about this.

She’s clearly attempting to obscure the truth, which is that she finally snapped, unhinged her jaw, and ate him.

When I was a little girl my grandma had a chain-smoking, tough-as-nails friend named Phyllis. One day my cousin and I were talking about getting married one day and Phyllis heard us. “Girls,” she said, taking a drag on her Lucky Strike, “when y’all get married i’m gonna send you a cast-iron skillet. You just keep it on your stove. If your man ever raises a hand to you y’all pick that up and swing. Going to the law about a man don’t teach him nothing except you can’t take care of your own business.”* Phyllis died before I got married, and my husband has never once raised a hand to me, but I do have a cast-iron skillet. Every time I look at it, I think of Phyllis and wonder what kind of life she had that she thought of sharing that advice with a couple of six-year-old girls. And at night when I pray, I always hope Phyllis ended up somewhere where things are peaceful and she can keep that skillet on the stove where it belongs. *Obviously I am not endorsing spousal abuse in any form by telling this story.

So why isn’t Jessa wearing pants yet? Joy’s stuck in skirts for life because her headship thinks it’s ungodly for wimmenfolk to wear trousers, but both Jill and Jinger have been rocking pants for a while now and the earth hasn’t swallowed them whole. Many of the Bates girls wear pants, and we’ve seen Jessa’s friends do the same. I have a very hard time believing that Ben cares enough to forbid Jessa from wearing pants. Is she truly “devout” enough to think it’s not okay to wear pants?

High-waisted pencil skirts, when fitted appropriately, are very flattering for some body types as they draw attention away from the midsection. Melania Trump wears them a lot. I can’t wear one because they make my already ginormous boobs look like I stuck basketballs in my bra, but my cousin looks great in one. Lauren’s is fitted correctly but I think the style is just too old for her. It looks like she borrowed it from her mom.

Day 438. I continue my efforts to escape from the hovel in which my captors have imprisoned me. Last week, while eating my meager portion of undercooked chunks of sweet potato, I noticed a small vent over the dining room table. During my next exercise interval, I managed to reach the top of the table several times by using a curiously small motor vehicle as a stepstool. Alas, each time, the male guard caught me before I could scale the wall and remove the vent cover. It was most vexing. My captors then punished me by allowing my fellow captive, Yaaay, to chase me around the exercise yard with a sharp metal implement and taunt me with chunks of fruit picked off the filthy floor. The female guard filmed this interaction, undoubtedly for use in yet another of their propaganda videos. It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to maintain my air of cheerful compliance in the face of such indignities. I do find small ways to rebel against my captors, such as switching the labels on the soups in the pantry and then listening with glee as the perplexed female guard wonders why none of her recipes look like their Pinterest photos. It is these moments of defiance that make my time here tolerable. For now, I must return this journal to its hiding place lest one of the guards find it. Instead of the crisper drawer, which made its pages damp and musty, I now place it amongst the cleaning supplies, where I have no fear of it being discovered.

Eh. A moderately active 3-year-old needs 1000-1400 calories per day based on size. One 163-calorie cookie is not really a big deal if they are eating an otherwise balanced diet. That’s a big if in this case, of course.

Wow, this family has survived a lot. Wooden spoons, Roe v. Wade, falling curtain rods, Jill’s cooking...

Nurse made a dress “from scratch?” As opposed to what, using canned dress mix?

Thanks everybody. Perhaps the diary of Sam the Captive will make another appearance someday.

“Day 412. My captors continue to taunt me with intellectual understimulation and inedible food. Today I was confined in my restraints for several hours while the male and female guard sat in their vehicle and indulged in a local delicacy called “Domino’s pizza.” I was then freed for a short period of time to eat a most vexing concoction they called “enchiladas” before being returned to my cell and having small noisy animals repeatedly shaken in my face. I continue to try to befriend their other captive. I have discovered through careful monitoring of the female guard’s speech that his name is “Yaaaay.” He continues to shun my attempts at friendliness and appears to be jealous of the attention that is paid to me by our captors. I will persevere, as his assistance will be necessary if I am to escape this place. I must now secure this diary in a place where my captors will not find it. Fortunately I have found the crisper drawer in our refrigerator serves that purpose quite reliably.”

I suspect that depends on your definition of “digest.” I want to know how they could eat like this and then survive in a house with one toilet.

I know this is crazy, but I feel like we could create a sauce for enchiladas that doesn’t require cream of chicken soup. We could call it “enchilada sauce” or something. Who’s with me?

Of course it was. ? I guess that explains the E-list cast... I can’t remember the last time I saw Dean Cain’s puffy face in a movie. I’m just surprised they didn’t cast Kirk Cameron instead.

Okay, I generally think Jill’s a pretty bad mom, but this is going a little far. She’s three feet away, and I doubt her book is so enthralling that one of the boys could drown without her noticing. Kids like to play in the bath. I put mine in, wash her hair and help her wash the rest of her body, and then let her play with her toys for ten minutes while I sit on the closed toilet and look at a magazine. I’m right there. She’s not going to be eaten by a dingo. Neither are Sam and Izzy.

They went to a movie?!?

This is the second time you’ve brought up this Chelsea Hoskins person. I’ve never heard of her. Who is she, one of the Duggar’s IBLP friends? I can’t bring myself to become enraged by the fact that Jeremy and Jinger are on vacation. They aren’t grifting for their money like Derick and Jill. If they have generous friends, good for them. Are they supposed to refuse baby gifts because people don’t like that they dress well and make money from a reality show? I mean, they aren’t asking you for money, so why does your choice to not buy a handbag have any bearing on what they do with their cash? I wouldn’t want to be friends with Jinger and Jeremy because I find their beliefs repugnant. However, compared to the other Duggar couples, I find them to be the least irritating. I think they really do love each other, I think Jeremy does treat Jinger well, I think they do have goals (Jeremy is going to get an actual degree from an accredited school that will help him pursue a career as a pastor and presumably support his family), and I think they’re going to be good parents to the children they will have instead of popping out an army for god and then neglecting all the soldiers. Jeremy’s a tool and Jinger’s a doormat, but they’re still better than child molester Josh and his holier-than-thou wife Anna, asshole Derick and clingy Jill, or rageaholic Austyn and vacuous Joy. I don’t think anybody here loves them or thinks they’re beyond reproach. I think they’re just the best of a really bad barrel of apples.

Of course she does. Her parents put her in a headdress that looks like something Bea Arthur would have worn in the Golden Girls and then took pictures that will be seen by thousands of people.