GLOWing Quotes

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Mallory: Look I do cast some experimental projects on the side, if you are open to that kind of thing.
Ruth: What kind of thing? 
Mallory: Would you consider erotica?
Ruth: Porn? Like, in the Valley?
Mallory: Obviously, I'm not suggesting you go have sex on camera - unless that's something you're interested in.

Ruth: Did I tell you the casting director offered me porn?
Debbie: Uh, you? The girl who changes under her shirt?
Ruth: I don't do that anymore.
Debbie: Obviously you shouldn't do porn. Unless it's, like, porn Shakespeare. Since you're such a nerd, you'd probably enjoy that.

Debbie: I can't leave my mom with Randy all day. She'll feed him Funyuns and Fresca and government conspiracies.
Ruth: Randy only loves you cause your boobs are full of food.

Sam: Resume gets a little thin after 1979. 
Cherry: Movies get a little white after 1979.

Sam: Do people think you're pretty? Because, like, I'm looking at you One second, I think, "Fuck, yeah, she's hot," and then the next second I'm like, "I don't know. Is she? Really?" I mean, you just have one of those faces that kind of changes. Like eh, mmm. I don't know.

Sam: I'm gonna have to go with the dynasty. You're out.
Ruth: Why? Because my dad was a high school science teacher and not some famous giant? 
Sam: Maybe. Or cause I don't like your face or your ass. I don't know. Maybe I like both of 'em too much. I don't I don't have to explain myself. That's the beauty of being a director.

Ruth: Fuck.
Debbie: Don't swear in front of Randy.
Ruth: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Debbie: I'm kidding. Of course you can swear in front of him. He's a fucking baby.

Ruth: It just happened.
Debbie: Haven't you learned anything from that sad fucking scene study class? Things don't just happen. People make choices. They want things, and then they go for them.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Sam: When I point at you, you tell me your name and if you have any special skills or hidden talents, favorite sex positions. Who wants to go first? Yes, underwear-as-outerwear girl. Hit me.
Melrose: Hi, I'm Melanie Rose. Call me Melrose. And my special skill is that I'm not fucking boring. Like, I can wake up in the morning with absolutely nothing to do and just be in a Van Halen video by the end of the day. Oh, also, any position with my legs over my head.
Sam: Okay. I dig it. I like the whole "please objectify me" vibe.

Sam: Wolf lady, what's your story?
Sheila: Sheila.
Sam: Sheila.
Sheila: And I have a very acute sense of smell.
Sam: Yeah? What cologne am I wearing?
Sheila: Drakkar Noir.
Sam: Trick question. Not wearing cologne. But I do spray that on my clothes if I forget to do laundry, so points for that.

Sam: Where's my real actress? Where's Strindberg? 
Ruth: Oh. Here!
Sam: Mmm hmm. Know any good party tricks?
Ruth: I can do Audrey Hepburn winning an Oscar for Roman Holiday.

Melrose: Were you guys about to bone? I can pee in a bucket, I don't care.
Cherry: I'm married.
Sam: But we did. 1978. It was me, her, and her husband. You don't remember?
Cherry: You need to pee? Pee. Jeez. Don't bring shit up like that, man. 
Sam: What? History is a beautiful thing. Oh! I haven't talked to you since the, you know, the whole-
Cherry: What? 
Sam: Uh, womb goof. 
Cherry: Miscarriage? 
Sam: Yeah. I was trying to come up with a tactful euphemism.
Melrose: I hear nothing. Not hearing anything.

Melrose: Who doesn't trust a man with a mustache full of coke?

Cherry: Melanie, do the moves.
Melrose: Those are my moves, kid. I mean, they're the moves that got me cast in the porn dance party in Body Double.

Sam: So you're gonna leave him? 
Debbie: Why, you wanna have sex with him, too? I have no idea what I'm going to do.
Sam: My wife cheated on me with my Steadicam operator. Not my best friend, but technically I was paying him to fuck my wife. So the next day I walked out. I quit the marriage. I quit the movie. I even left my dog. Got on a plane for Vegas/ Two weeks later, I woke up, felt a lot better about myself.
Debbie: Thank you, that's great advice.

Sam: You're pretty. You got big boobs, and those soap writers didn't count on you having brains. Am I right? You asked too many questions, you maybe improvised a few too many lines and then, boom, Sleeping Beauty.
Debbie: Yeah, if you wanna do something more than nod and eat a salad and make a pretty cry-face, you are punished.

Ruth: I think Cherry's doing the best she can.
Melrose: Oh, yeah? You big into dictators?

Ruth: Usually in this industry, it's every man for himself, and it's almost always a man, telling you your ass is too fat at the same time he's trying to grope it. And having a woman in charge instead of that sackballs guy? This is as good as it gets.
Melrose: If you're into the sisterhood, maybe you shouldn't have fucked your friend's husband.

Cherry: Where the hell have you been?
Sam: Working my ass off. I drove to fucking Pasadena in the middle of the day.

Sam: Okay, okay. I know, I know, I lied, but it's not about the lie. It's about where the lie takes you.

Sam: I know you were just being an asshole, but if this were a real scene there'd be context, there'd be circumstances, there'd be characters, right? All right, let's get inside this thing. What happened? The miscarriage, was it an accident? Was it bad sushi?
Justine: She was kicked in the stomach by her Guatemalan swim coach who was jealous she lost her virginity to the captain of the diving team.
Sam: Wow. Good. Good. Kick in the stomach, I like that. Swim coach, I don't know. We can lose him. We need a better assailant. What animal would kick a pregnant woman in the belly? What kind of person would ruin the life of a gorgeous, successful, pregnant woman? What kind of homewrecker would do that? Ruth! This doesn't seem like too much of a stretch for you. Come in the ring. Join us.
Ruth: I want to but I'm really not feeling well.
Sam: Gene Kelly had the flu when he did the title number of Singin' in the Rain.
Ruth: It's true, he did.

Sam: Okay, shit-stirrer, let's work on your side. If there's one thing I've learned in my illustrious career, it's that you can't rely on a blood rig to sell a performance.

Sam: The homewrecker arrives. She has nothing - no man, no love, no friends. Her hair is brown, the color of shit.

Ruth: So, I'm fired?
Sam: No! Are you an idiot? You're chum. You're blood in the water. Debbie's the hero and you're the villain. Everybody's gonna hate you! 
Ruth: I don't want everyone to hate me. 
Sam: Oh, Christ. Crying, caring, the desperation That's what makes you unbearable. Look, I don't like you, Strindberg, take that in. Hold on to it. Try not giving a fuck. There's a lot of power in that. And relax - the devil gets all the best lines.

Edited February 24, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Carolyn: You were supposed to drop the dog off on Tuesday. This is getting ridiculous. 
Sam: I've been busy. 
Carolyn: Can I have Lenny, please?
Sam: No, you can't.
Carolyn: Why not? 
Sam: Because he's dead. He got hit by a car, a Saab, and I just didn't have time to call you. I'm sorry. I know this is probably devastating for you. I mean, I've had a week, so, I've kind of moved through it. But, uh, I have the number of the woman that hit him, if you wanna call her and cry. Do you wanna call her and cry? I don't want you to cry here.
[dog whimpers]
Carolyn: Oh. You belong in an asylum. 
Sam: You'd love that, wouldn't you? Just me all chained up and drooling and and lobotomized with my balls cut off.

Sam: Fans are gonna tune in for the moves, but they're not gonna stay tuned in unless we give them what, ladies? 
Blood. 
Melrose: Tits! 
Sam: Storytelling.

Ruth: ""The year is 1999. Nuclear war has reduced the Earth to a smoking ruin. Lost tribes of women wander the land scavenging for water, food and an even scarcer resource - men. For the privilege of breeding with civilization's last male specimen, women wrestle for domination. Welcome to the ultimate catfight. Welcome to the world of GLOW."
Justine: I'm sorry, Madame, but there is a woman outside. She says she wants to wrestle for a night with the Specimen.
Ruth: "Suddenly, a wall collapses, and in strides the Leather Virgin, a nomadic road warrior whose tough-as-nails persona conceals a deep well of passion and virginity."
Debbie: Are you the keeper of the Specimen? 
Tammé: I am. Who are you?
Debbie: That's no concern of yours. The only thing you need to know is that I am ready to fight.
Tammé: We'll see about that. Ogress!
Ruth: "Ogress, a giant half-cyborg, half-woman, enters."
Carmen: Me Ogress. You die now.
Sam: All right, now the next part's just wrestling. Wrestle, wrestle, wrestle. Then cut to commercial, and then act two.
Ruth: "Interior, underground bunker."
Debbie: The Over-Madames have lied to you. Men are real. We can restore the world to the way it was before the war and women's lib.  Dawn: Men? Who needs men?
Stacey: We are lesbian mutants.
Dawn: We worship only -
Dawn and Stacey: The Goddess!
Arthie: The men never died. She harvests them for food.
Debbie: Who? 
Arthie: Koontar, the Man-Eater -
Sam: Kunt-tar.
Artie: Kuntar.
Ruth: "Nympho Phoebe, Mutant Maude, and the Sexecutioner come to a closed door."
It's a dead end. 
Justine: Or a trap.
Ruth: "Boom! A massive explosion shakes the walls of the Uterus Cave. In walks Koontar."
Sam: Kuntar. 
Ruth: Okay. "Kuntar, a vision of hideousness."

Sam: You don't wanna suck up to the producer like your pal Debbie?
Ruth: Trying to keep a safe distance from my pal Debbie. 
Sam: It's a party. Don't overthink it. 
Ruth: Last time I went to a party with Debbie, I got drunk and slept with her husband.
Sam: Well, lucky for you, he's not invited this time.

Jenny: Melrose, can we all fit?
Melrose: Are you kidding? Guys, I've had ten strippers and a baby pool in this puppy. Cram your asses in here!

Cherry: Where was my part?
Sam: What do you mean?
Cherry: In your jerk-off space opera. You didn't write me a part.
Sam: It's a post-nuke dystopia, thank you.

Justine: May I say that script was your best work since Blood Disco? It has the surrealist quality of your early works like Oedipussy, Venus in Chains, Gina the Machina, but with a more subversive message about the limitations of feminism and nuclear power.

Bash: So not just caviar, but also fancy mustards or pâté.

Florian: I got plastic forks from Gelson's so now we don't have to run the dishwasher. 
Bash: Genius.

Carmen: It that an "Asteroids" in a house?
Florian: We have "Caterpillar" in the master bath.
Carmen: I have to use the restroom.

Bash: Whiskey goes in the punch and rum also goes in the punch and we are out of pineapple rings.

Sam: Are you tripping?
Ruth: We're appreciating this piece of art.
Sam: Oh, yeah. I like art that tells you exactly what it is.

Sam: So what is this, the old Malibu ambush? You gonna ply me with some drinks and tell me you don't like my vision?
Bash: Sam, I hired you to direct a wrestling show, which I came up with. It was my idea.
Sam: It was the seed of an idea.  I'm trying to elevate the form. 
Bash: And that is so bitchin', but can you maybe also not do that? When I said I wanted something different, I meant the way Ms. Pac-Man is different from Pac-Man, as in, almost the exact same thing, but with a bow in her hair, not set in the desert after a nuclear war.
Sam: Oh, okay. So, I see, you don't want story.
Bash: The Iron Sheik. Right? What's his story? Where does he come from? 
Sam: I don't even know who that is. 
Bash: He's a fucking wrestler, Sam. It doesn't matter. He just wears a head scarf and hates America. That's all he has to do. Bottom line, your ideas are just too complicated. We need to simplify. Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. That's what we're doing here. Gorgeous ladies wrestling.

Melrose: we're not molesting your robot. 
Rhonda: It kissed me. I didn't kiss it.

Melrose: Is that a Bob Mackie gown? -
Bash: Uh, yeah. Why do you think my parties are so legendary? We drink, we smoke, we dance, we get naked, then we put on these awesome costumes, and the cycle repeats itself.

Bash: I got this [hat] after I dropped acid and hiked up Machu Picchu.

Debbie: I feel like I'm losing my mind every 20 minutes. Twenty minutes is about as long as I can possibly pretend that everything's okay.

Bash: And this one. She walks into the ring, there's no backstory, there's no dialogue about where she came from. Look. What's the first thing that jumps out at you? 
Her eyes!
Jenny: Aw!
Bash: Bingo! She's Oriental. You're a jock, you're an Arab, you're a big black girl.
Tammé: The fuck you say?
Bash: It's not a judgment. It's just what I and the entire world see with our eyes. And in wrestling, that is the foundation upon which we need to build. 
Arthie: But I'm Indian, not Arab. 
Jenny: I'm Cambodian.
Bash: Backstory. Wrestling is not about backstory. It's about type. And your type is-
Arthie: Intelligent and whimsical?
Bash: No. No. Terrorist or genie or some sort of other evil Arab. 
Arthie: You mean stereotypes. 
Bash: Yes! Bingo! Exactly!

Sam: I'm not easy to work with. I know that. I'm cranky, and I don't take criticism well, and I don't like being told what to do.
Bash: Is that an apology?
Sam: Apologies, compromise not my bag. As my ex-wife will tell you. I just don't get it. I mean why'd you hire me if you don't like my work?
Bash: What are you talking about, Sam? Your fucking movies are hysterical.
Sam: They're not comedies.
Bash: Oh.

Sam: I'll tell you what. We'll do it your way. All right? I'll make your show. I'll listen. I'll compromise. In return -
Bash: You can't have Florian. He's too valuable to me. 
Sam: I don't want your fucking butler. I want you to read my script.
Bash: The one from this morning?
Sam: No. No, another one. I've been trying to get it made for years. Nobody gets it and no one wants to pay for it.
Bash: I don't need to read it. I'll make it.
Sam: You should read it. It's pretty fucking wild. There's, like, time travel, Oedipal shit-
Bash: Sam, look at me. You make GLOW, I will make any crazy time-travel sex-romp movie you want. What's it called?
Sam: Mothers and Lovers. Don't say anything. I don't want notes. It's a great title.

Jenny: I am one who is cute like panda. I'm in danger. Help me. Save me. Trick you! Because I am fast like dragon! I am Fortune Cookie and Asian.
Arthie: I'm Beirut, the Mad Bomber. I will destroy your American way of living.
Sam: You know what? Let's let's add the gun back in.
Arthie: So expected.
Justine: I'm Scab, and I'm your worst nightmare. I'll gut your Gucci and blast your Beemer. Die, yuppie scum! 
Bash: I got chills.
Sam: Yeah, you would.
Melrose: Hi, I'm Melrose. I'm a bad, bad girl who likes to party, party, party. And Daddy's been a bad, bad boy! Come here, Daddy!
Sam: I think I should pull back on the dominatrix thing.
Bash: Yeah, just a tad.
Sheila: I'm Sheila.
Sam: Anything to add?
Bash: No, I think it's pretty clear.
Carmen: They call me Machu Picchu, the Peruvian Fortress. Strong and proud. I'm a good guy.
Sam: Girl. 
Carmen: I'm a good girl.
Cherry: I'm Ju - what is it?
Sam: Junkchain.
Cherry: I'm Junkchain, and I bring the pain. Peace. 
Dawn I'm Ethel. 
Stacey: I'm Edna. 
Dawn and Stacey: And we're the Beat Down Biddies.
Stacey: You want a piece of me? I got moles older than you.
Dawn: Oh, yeah, I'll come at you. I'm like a good fiber cereal. I'll make you shit your pants!
Tammé: Y'all stupid for going to work every day and paying taxes. I let the government pay for all of my shit, and I lives like a queen. A Welfare Queen.
Bash: This is like half my brain, half your brain. She's our masterpiece.
Rhonda: Oh, hello. I didn't see you, because I was looking at my beaker full of a science experiment. And earlier, I was doing algebra because I'm Britannica the Smartest Woman in the World.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Debbie: Wow, matching tans. 
Sam: We went to Palm Springs. 
Bash: Well, physically, but mentally we went on a magic carpet ride.

Bash: Point is we escaped to a private villa, we did a ton of blow, and we figured out everything.

Sam: Look, we learned a valuable lesson over the weekend. Cloistering yourself up like some seventeenth century monk makes you way more fucking productive and helps you focus. 
Reggie: Like Olympic Village?
Sam: Sure. Or rehab. Probably more like rehab.
Melrose: Rehab is expensive, dude.

Sam: Can we live in reality for a second? We gotta shoot this thing in five weeks, most of you don't know how to act, none of you can wrestle. This is our way of making it so you don't suck, all right? And because of that, we're instituting a curfew, and a strict no-drug policy.
Melrose: You guys did blow all weekend and we have to live like nuns?
Bash: Not nuns, roommates. Sorority sisters.

Ruth: Hello, Gordon? Give me 500 shares. I don't care if those banana farmers starve to death. I'm a businesswoman for chrissake, not a fruit philanthropist. It's my character idea. Kind of a female JR with a touch of Cruella de Vil.

Rhonda: Every night before bed, I put lotion all over my body because it is scientifically proven to be the only thing that stops aging in its tracks.

Jenny: Working hard on my tan. I mean, Fortune Cookie is cause that's the stereotype you want me to roll with, right? That Asians work really hard but also do karate and are really shy?

Bash: George is a little bit more old-school than today's guys but he's got a great gimmick. 
Tammé: You mean he's gay.
Bash: No. Maybe. Doesn't matter. He's Gorgeous George, a pretty boy. He'll stop a match to fix his hair.
Carmen: Actually, he wouldn't. His valet would climb in and do it for him. 
Bash: Yes, exactly. This girl knows her stuff!
Debbie: I want a wrestling valet. 
Carmen: That wouldn't make sense. 
Debbie: Why not? I'm Liberty Belle. I need a manservant to carry my enormous American flag.
Carmen: The American hero doesn't really need a manservant. You're self-made. You'd probably carry your own props.

Melrose: Who are you again? 
Rhonda: Britannica.
Melrose: Because you're British?
Rhonda: No, cause I'm smart - like Encyclopedia Britannica.

Ruth: I get really anxious when I feel like I'm behind, especially in a group setting.
Sam: Wow, what a fantastic quality.

Goliath: Who's in charge then?
Sam: I'm in charge.
Goliath: You?
Sam: Yeah. I'm the director. 
Tommy: Did you direct Star Wars?
Sam: No, I didn't direct Star Wars.
Kent: Love Star Wars.
Goliath: Let's go.
Carmen: No, I'm staying here. 
Goliath: You wrestle over my dead body. 
Carmen: You let Tommy and Kurt do it.
Goliath: It's different. They're big dumb boys. I want you to find a nice man, have a family, find a job where people treat you with respect.
Carmen: People respect me here.
Goliath: Nobody respects a lady wrestler, sweetie. It's like the midgets. You're a sideshow. 
Sam: Hey, you can't talk to her like that.
Carmen: It's fine. It's how we talk. 
Sam: No, it's not fine. This guy. You can't just come into my gym and disrespect one of my actors. I mean, I know you're some big famous giant, but you're an asshole and you wear oversize diapers for a living.
[Goliath backhands Sam]
Sam: Oh, god damn it. Jesus. Fuck. A fucking backhand? What am I, some mouthy housewife?
Goliath: Want me to hit you like you're a real man?
Sam: Whatever you gotta do to get the fuck outta here.

Tammé: I have some concerns about my character Welfare Queen. It's offensive.
Sam: That's the genius of it. It's commentary on an existing stereotype. It's sort of a fuck you to the Republican party and their welfare reform and race-baiting shit. 
Tammé: Yeah, but would other people know that?
Sam: Like who?
Tammé: My son. He goes to Stanford. 
Sam: Fancy.

Sam: I like to push the envelope. I like to jolt people into consciousness. Like my first feature credit, Swamp Maidens of the Viet Cong. Watch it. This one, Gina the Machina. This thing? So offensive, it was banned in 49 states. Pretty proud of that. Oh. Look at these. Couch of Pain, Blood Disco, Blood Disco Two.

Tammé: So you've worked with Sam before. 
Keith: Yeah, twice. And partied with him an extra five years after that.
Tammé: In your opinion, one professional to another, do you trust him? Or is he just another white racist director?
Keith: He's more sexist than racist in my experience.

Sam: So why am I doing this? I don't know. I guess I've reached that age where I have to admit I'm just looking for a partner I can stand. Uh who has a great smile and a great figure, who doesn't tear me apart like a banshee every time I make a mistake. You know, someone who's fun, not a hypocrite - under 30. Yeah. So, you know, choose me. Yeah, I'm lonely, and my cock works great.
Stacey: Well, I'd date him. 
Dawn: Stacey!
Stacey: What? He's cute, he's lonely, and his cock works great.
Dawn: Can't believe everything you see on TV.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Melrose: Just, uh, getting back from the gym here. It's an early workout.
Cherry: Right. Cause that's a workout bustier.
Melrose: It's a new costume element I'm working on. Sometimes you need to break 'em in cause they're very, very they're tight.
Cherry: Rosen, that white girl bullshit might work on teachers and cops, but not me.

Debbie: When did we learn that move?
Melrose: We didn't. I think nerds just try harder.

Sam: They're gonna be wrestling with their own female stereotypes, metaphorically. Do you understand? I think that's something that'll really resonate with female audiences. And guys Well, guys, let's be honest. They're gonna watch because girls wrestling is fucking hot. Bash: Sure. Though Glen's Saturday morning programming targets kids.
Sam: Hot and family friendly, Glen. Porn you can watch with your kids. Finally.

Melrose: Hello?
Stacey: Yes, is this Melanie Rosen?
Melrose: Yeah. 
Stacey: Melanie Danielle Rosen?
Melrose: Mmm hmm.
Stacey: Yes, this is Lisa from Dr. Goldberg's office. We have your test results. You have AIDS - in your butt.
Melrose: Oh, my God. Really? Because I was just in my really good friends Dawn and Stacey's room, and suddenly, out of nowhere, I started bleeding right out of my butt. And the only way I could get it to stop was by shoving both of their toothbrushes into my anus! Get a life, you fucking hags!

Melrose: What are you doing? 
Jenny: My hair. 
Melrose: For who?
Jenny: For me. Self-esteem, hello?

Carmen: The problem is you think wrestling is stupid.
Debbie: Well, it is stupid. I mean, isn't it?
Carmen: I prefer exaggerated. I mean, that's the point. My brother, he once had this promoter set him up with a guy who wrestled with a snake. The day of the match, the snake died. Kermit put on a sock puppet. My brother had to wrestle it like it was real. 
Debbie: That sounds humiliating.
Carmen: It brought the house down.

Bash: Girls, I'd like to introduce you to the CEO and paterfamilias of this whole operation, Mr. Patrick O'Towne.
Sam: Ah, I get it. Pun. Patty O'Towne.
Patrick: You know what they say, our name is our destiny.
Sam: Yes, so true. I often wonder what my life would be like if my name was, I don't know, Francis Ford Coppola.

Sam: I like you like this. I like you more than I usually like you.
Ruth [Russian accent]: Is because you are weak American.

Rhonda: I need to wee.
Sam: So? Go.
Rhonda: Don't you want to come with me? 
[Rhonda leaves. Ruth gives Sam a look]
Sam: What?
Ruth [English accent]: Do you normally like to watch her wee? Is that something you fancy? You're fucking her. 
Sam: You fucked what's-his-name. 
Ruth: He wasn't my boss. 
Sam: Right. He was your best friend's husband. Sorry. That was defensive. I'm sorry. I have a flaw in my conflict style according to my ex-wife's cognitive behavioral therapist. Why did you do it?
Ruth: Why does anyone make a stupid, horrible mistake?
Sam: Well, for me it's usually cause I'm high or drunk, or someone has done something to make me feel so small and insecure that I have to do something to remind myself that I exist. But you don't seem like that kind of person.
Ruth: What kind of person do I seem like?
Sam: An okay person.
[Rhonda gets back in the car]
Rhonda: You know, Sam and I are shagging.

Melrose: I think my vagina just swallowed itself.

Melrose: Debbie, don't make me be the rules person. I'm not emotionally equipped for it.

Cherry: So did Steel Horse live up to the name?
Debbie: They told you. 
Cherry: Melrose did. I told her what we do to rats where I come from. Bitch shut up after that.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Sam: Okay, can you stop with the accent? It's a little early for that.
Ruth: It's never too early to be in character.
Sam: Well, yes, it is.

Debbie: Look, I have tolerated her being here because I actually enjoy watching you make her feel like shit.

Ruth: I once went so method as April in a production of Company, my boyfriend didn't recognize me. Then he hit on me at an airport bar.

Billy: You wanna order dessert? 
Justine: Breakfast dessert? 
Billy: Fuck, yeah.
Justine: Like carrot cake?
Billy: Omigawd, yes. That's genius.

Billy: Who's Sam?
Justine: Our director, Sam Sylvia. Have you ever seen Venus in Chains or Gina the Machina?
Billy: Oh, yeah, yeah. I think I saw that Venus one. It sucked. All tits and blood. Total hack job.
Justine: That's the genre.
Billy: Ripping off De Palma isn't a genre.
Justine: De Palma ripped off Hitchcock.
Billy: So he's a double hack. A hack of a hack. Fucking perfect. 
Justine: I gotta go. 
Billy: Come on. I was kidding.
Justine: I'm sure when people read your zine, not everyone thinks it's art.
Billy: Hey, Agnostic Toad is fucking awesome. I don't care what people think. I'm not writing it for the masses.

Ruth: I am not a hooker.
Gregory: Of course not. Uh, how you saying? Escort.

Justine: So you're, like sleeping with him?
Rhonda: Well, like I said, I'd doze off and then wake up again. It's not great sleep. The sex is nice though. I'm pretty into it.

Ruth: So what's with the horse head?
Gregory: My cousin Michael is chess champion. Eighteen and under division. Very good.
Ruth: Oh, so, is this, like, a celebration for him or? Did he die? I can't tell from the faces. 
Gregory: He's new to America. Was very difficult for him to get out. So we sponsor him, make big noise. And Russia likes Jews only slightly more than f******.
Ruth: Oh, I didn't know you were Jewish.
Gregory: I wear a giant chai.
Ruth: Oh, I thought that was a cat.
Michael: No! No! I change my mind. Fuck religion. Don't touch my penis.
Relative: Here we go. Say goodbye. It only hurts a little. 
Ruth: What's going on? 
Gregory: His bris.

Tammé: You know, I think I seen you before.
Debbie: Oh, darling, where would we have ever crossed paths?
Tammé: No, I know I seen you. It was at the supermarket. They take all my food stamps there. Yeah, I did. I saw you there in the frozen-food aisle. 
Debbie: That is impossible. I only eat fresh fruits and vegetables, bloody red steaks and, well, the occasional apple pie.
Tammé: No, I know I seen you there. I was going through with my cart, looking for them Mrs. Paul fish sticks and the Hungry-Man dinners. Love me the mashed potatoes in a Hungry-Man dinner.
Debbie: I really can't see where we would've crossed paths. You see-
Tammé: No. Right there, by the ice cream and the Puddin' Pops. There you were, a stone-cold frozen bitch!

Gregory: You say you want real thing, but you keep asking stupid questions. We didn't all work in factories and write sad poetry.

Ruth: I'm sorry, but isn't a bris supposed to happen when you're a baby? I mean, if you can scream for vodka, maybe you're a little too old.

Sam: You can't just go out and do coke and piss away all your money and screw people who are named after liqueurs. I mean, what happens then? 
Debbie: You end up here? 
Sam: You end up here.

Debbie: I could be at home with my baby.
Sam: Omigawd! Not this again. Please. Babies are boring. I mean, they don't party, they haven't traveled, they have no sense of irony. And you love this shit. You love being a temperamental star. I know you do. If you were at home with that kid, your life would become just anger and resentment. No work, no husband. You would burn up in a smoldering ash heap of rage and disappointment. You think that's good for you or your boring baby? It's not.

Debbie: Typical whiny Soviet. "What should I do? I'm so cold, so, I only dress in gray and build things out of cinder block." Lousy Commies.
Ruth: You want to play with me, prom queen? Take this. You think you're so great with your decadent fast food and your disgusting football, which is wrong name for this sport, because football is soccer. Can't even name your sports right.
Debbie: In America, we're free - free to kick your red, scary ass even redder.
Ruth: In Soviet Union, we eat stars and stripes for breakfast.
Debbie: That's because there's no food. All you people have to eat are turnips, snow, and misery.

Gregory: I have woman, sometimes. She thinks I don't give enough pleasure with mouth.
Billy: I really like this girl, man but I can't seem to say anything right.
Gregory: Maybe you give pleasure with mouth. You don't talk so much, you don't say wrong things.
Billy: That's a thought.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Sam: And also that video camera you got me got stolen, so I'm gonna need another one.
Bash: Wait, wait, wait. What, you just lost it?
Sam: No, I didn't just lose it. It was here, and then it was not here.
Bash: Did you try to look for it?
Sam: Are you my mother? Yeah, I tried to look for it.
Bash: If we need a new camera, it's coming out of your salary.
Sam: My salary? You're supposed to be the rich guy.
Bash: It's not Monopoly money. This is about accountability, Sam. And trust and thrift.
Sam: Omigawd. You sound like a Protestant.
Bash: Is that a bad thing?

Sam: If any of you have any information about the whereabouts of my video camera, or if any of you happened to steal it, bring it the fuck back now. No questions asked, except you'll be immediately fired.

Tommy: We're busy.
Carmen: You're sitting on the porch eating Pringles.

Debbie: You're not gonna drop me, right?
Ruth: No, I swear. I got you.
Debbie: It's like a fucking trust fall, only I stare at your face and remember all the reasons why I don't trust you.

Rhonda: Do you have any suspenders or, like, a bow tie or something?
Sam: Could you stop ransacking my drawers please?
Rhonda: I'm working on my costume, okay? Plaits, glasses, braces, and a bow tie.
Sam: You're going to look like that asshole in AC/DC.

Sam: You having a yard sale?
Bash: Yeah, you asked for lights. We've got lights, in the ceiling, right? Sound, I got my sister's karaoke machine. Music, boom. Casio city.

Ruth: Maybe we should have a safe word. Something we say if it's, like, mission abort?
Debbie: Well, who is that real-estate guy whose name was on a bench outside your old apartment?
Ruth: Human Mabubifarti?
Debbie: Yeah. God, I love that name.

Stacey: What if people freak out? What if they put us on a watch list? What if Bill Cosby gets mad at us?

Keith: Beirut, y'all. Beirut.

Dawn: White power! White power! White power! Segregation forever! 
Sam: What the fuck?
Keith: No. That's not appropriate. That's not right. You can't come in here with that on. Come in here wearing sheets?
Sam: Ladies and gentlemen, this is some inappropriate social satire. I don't know what to say. 
Cherry: Someone needs to teach these Casper-looking racist idiots a lesson.
Tammé: Yeah, I might be a Welfare Queen, but I don't tolerate no bigots!
Keith: Save it for the match. Come on. Save it.
Sam: All right, well, this is definitely not a match for children. Or maybe it is. Maybe you're really never too young to know about this country's racial history.

Sam: All right, it looks like the Black Panthers or whatever they're supposed to be have won. Justice has been served. Jesse Jackson will be our next president.

Debbie: I'd like to call on the power of my three favorite Americans: Ronald Reagan, Larry Bird, and Jesus Christ himself.

Debbie: How did you even find me?
Mark: I followed your parents when they dropped off Randy last week.
Debbie: Like a stalker.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Sam: I like George Lazenby. At least he's the right age.
Rhonda: What are you saying? Roger Moore is by far the best Bond.
Sam: Nobody thinks that.
Rhonda: Well, I do. You haven't even seen A View to a Kill.
Sam: Yeah, well, I saw Moonraker and there was a pigeon that did a double take.

Sam: Can you hang back a few minutes? Doesn't look good, us going in together. Need to keep it professional.
Rhonda: It's not professional. We're shagging.

Sam: Hey. It's Sam. Is your master home?
Florian: Oh, hi. I haven't seen Bash for three days.
Sam: What? Isn't it your job to keep tabs on that guy?
Florian: I answer when he rings the bell, but no one's rung the bell for three days, dude. Last night was breakfast for dinner night, and I was the only one who ate it.

Sam: You wanna go see a venue? Bash is MIA. I could use a second opinion.
Ruth: You know what? I would be honored to be a part of the decision-making process.
Sam: Oh, you're not going to have a say. I just need someone to disagree with so I can clarify my own instincts.

Mark: No lawyer is gonna let you sign a document that guarantees me ten percent of all your future income. 
Debbie: What?
Mark: It was a dramatic gesture.
Debbie: Oh, how actressy of you.
Mark: I also claimed you were having an affair with Burt Reynolds.

Debbie: Since when do you cook?
Mark: Since my wife left me.

Sam: Good, right? Used to be a porno theater.
Ruth: Well, it must've been the golden age of whacking off. Was it Aztec porn?
Woman: Actually, Mayan.

Rhonda: I can't tell when you're joking and when you're just being mean.
Sam: I know. I can't either sometimes.

Rhonda: You don't actually like me, Sam. You're just afraid to be alone.
Sam: What do you mean I don't like you? I just had period sex with you.

Ruth: Sometimes you have to trick yourself into having a good time. Just pretend you're having the best time in the world and then maybe you will. That's what I'm gonna do.
Sheila: I don't trust shoes that move.

Melrose: I am horrified this place doesn't have a bar. Have I mentioned that I am absolutely fucking horrified? What, they think we can't drink and skate at the same time?
Cherry: Melrose, you can barely skate sober.

Debbie: Is the eating of giant salads part of the new you or just another dramatic gesture meant to show that you're capable of change?
Mark: I am on a diet. It started last week. 
Debbie: Me, too. It started when I was 14.

Receptionist: The doctor will answer any questions that you and your boyfriend might have. 
Ruth: Oh, we're not-
Sam: Oh, I'm not her boyfriend. I'm her husband. Common mistake. You know, sort of like having sex without a condom. Right? 
Receptionist: It's good that you're here.
Sam: Just wasn't the right time for us, you know? I could've pulled out, but just got lazy. Lucky for us, we hate children. Right, honey?

Ruth: I'm sure this is not how you wanted to spend your morning.
Sam: It's fine. I'll go get doughnuts while you're in there.
Ruth: Pick me up a pink frosted?
Sam: Pink frosted. What, are you six?
Ruth: I like pink things.
Sam: If you'd liked pink things a little less, maybe we wouldn't be here right now.

Edited April 18, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Sam: Where the hell have you been for two weeks?
Bash: Well, I started at the Redondo Fun Factory. I got the high score on Burger Time, then I was in a little beach shack and I met this guy Raul who makes tequila.
Sam: I don't need your travel itinerary.

Ruth: Do you guys know how many plays I've done with no budget, where we've had to build every prop, every piece of scenery? I did a version of Peter Pan where we couldn't afford a flying rig, so two stage hands carried me around for three hours.

Debbie: In college, my sorority raised thousands of dollars for world hunger. We used that money to remodel the deck.

Birdie: I expect you at that party on time. I also need you to introduce me since Bill Buckley canceled. He claims he's on a deadline, but he's probably just wandering around his house, fiddling with his harpsichord.

Sam: So, that's the guy? In the Bimmer right there?
Ruth: Yep.
Sam: Not what I expected.
Ruth: You were expecting what? Sean Penn?
Sam: No, just someone less like a giant Cabbage Patch Kid. I mean, I'm better-looking than that idiot.
Ruth: I'm a sucker for non-threatening, unavailable men who compliment me.

Cherry: Why aren't you out there helping [at the car wash]?
Keith: I don't look good in a bikini. Yet.

Cherry: You don't look poor.
Debbie: He's not poor. He's broke. There's a difference.

Sam: Why are you all dressed like fancy Mormons?
Ruth: Bash said to look conservative. We didn't have a lot of options.

Sam: This is such bullshit. Fighting the drug war while they get loaded on Kir Royales. Fucking white, right-wing idiots.
Ruth: Someone's grumpier than usual.

Sam: You're, like, half-Pollyanna, half-Vince Lombardi.

Sam: Got any blow?
Musician: No. We don't.
Sam: You want some?

Musician1 : Two more of these Beverly Hills parties, and we can get studio time. 
Sam: Gotta do the gigs so you can make shit you want. I've been making this wrestling TV show just so I can fund my next movie. I've been working on it for, like, ten years, man. It's a semi-autobiographical, psycho-sexual, time-travel drama.
Musician 1: What does that mean?
Sam: All right, I'll tell you. It's about a boy, this all-American kid, who can't stop jerking off to fantasies about having sex with his mother.  It makes him hate himself. So he builds a time machine to go into the future where she's old and hideous so he can escape his Oedipal impulses. Here's the but. He puts the wrong date in the machine, and he goes back in time instead to the 1950s, where she's just a horny teenager, and she spends the rest of the movie just trying to fuck him instead of his dad.
Musician 2: Look, I've seen that movie.
Sam: No, you haven't. I haven't made it. It's called Mothers and Lovers.
Musician 2: Nah, bro, it's called Back to the Future.
Sam: Right, okay, so, you saw a movie about a guy who goes back in time and almost has sex with his mother?
Musician 1: Yeah, man. Just opened. It's fucking funny too.
Sam: FUCK.

Ruth: Here's what I've learned: I really like candelabra sconces.
Debbie: And I've learned don't look directly into Bash's mom's eyes.

Debbie: Sometimes I'm so sad you took away the option of us ever being able to have a normal fucking conversation.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Arthie: Hey, how was the meditation retreat? Whoa. What is that smell?
Sam: Bourbon and despair.

Keith: All right, first song to come on, it's an omen.
Melrose: Oh, no. I do not believe in radio voodoo.

Justine: You don't have Clue?
Billy: My mom doesn't like games where people get killed.

Ruth: At the beginning of every play, I pick something in the audience to look at. A funny shirt, a broken chairback. Then I focus all my attention on it, like a laser beam. It helps.
Carmen: Or I could take one of Bash's quaaludes.

Justine: You want to make out again?
Sam: What?
Justine: Kidding. Geez.

Bash: These are two tough ladies. They lived through the Great Depression, World War II, poodle skirts, menopause.

[leighdear]

Liberty: "I've been at home bakin' pies.......PIES OF RAGE!"

[JakeyJokes]

Bash: It's amazing what you can accomplish when you force people to work overtime!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Arthie: My costume still smells like beer and racism.

Sam: You ever work around this many fucking women?
Russell: Actually, yeah. I used to shoot porn for Hal Freeman.
Sam: I love Hal Freeman.
Russell: He's a creep. But, hey, man, if you need an artfully framed crotch shot, I'm your guy.

Reggie: I've never seen Cheers.
Sheila: It's great. It's about an invisible woman named Vera.

Bash: I'll tell you one thing Rick Hollander doesn't have - that awesome Trapper Keeper.
Sam: It's a fucking leather portfolio.

Russell: We shot some rad stuff today.
Ruth: Yeah? You think we really captured the nexus of girl-on-girl violence and consumer culture in America?
Russell: Oh, no. It was way dumber than that.

Debbie: We made a few adjustments together. There's an addendum.
Sam: Oh, is that what you're calling these extra 250 pages?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Justine: Are you ever coming home for dinner? Cause there's no food in the house.
Sam: Just take 50 out of the wallet.
Justine: That's a lot. Guess I'll use the extra on drugs.

Jenny: Does [Debbie] get better lighting than us now that she's a producer?
Carmen: No, that's just the internal glow that comes from power.

Jenny: What are you doing?
Arthie: I'm making a suicide vest to blow myself up. For the show. That's my concept. Kill Beirut, who I hate. But then, out from the smoke, a new character arises. Phoenix! She'll have like red and yellow face paint and these red and yellow streaks coming out of her hair. She'll be like a living flame. Nimble. Seductive. Ethnically neutral.

Bash: Women. You know what I mean? It's like, first they want a room of their own. And then they want a seat at the table. And they even want us to come and eat at that table, even when that table is all the way out in Pasadena. And I'm like, "What happened to the room?"

Debbie: Those boys don't listen to me.
Tammé: They will, once you give them what they need.
Debbie: Tammé which is what? I've had a lot of jobs. I was a bookkeeper. I was a meter maid. I worked at a factory where they made airline food. And if I've learned one thing, if you want to be respected, you gotta make yourself useful. Unless you're a white man. Then you just have to show up and wait around and eventually get promoted.

Tammé: Sugar wakes me the fuck up! Candy - cheaper than drugs, tastes better than coffee.

Sam: You know, just cause you appear and want things doesn't mean that I suddenly become a different person.

Bash: Oh, what are those? Nerds? I love these! They're like Grape Nuts, except instead of being healthy and delicious, they're just sugar.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Cherry: Did he like that [take]? 
Hair: You know, he's British so it's hard to tell.

Melrose: This is my lucky jacket, Jenny. Last time I wore it, Scott Baio hit on me and I made out with his cousin.

Arthie: Are teenagers really having so much sex that we need to make a PSA about it?
Justine: Yeah. Tons of stupid girls get pregnant.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Tammé: He's a pretty famous director, very edgy.
Ernest: Is he black?
Tammé: He's Sicilian, which she says is the black kind of Italian.

Debbie: We're all just a bunch of dildos banging around, trying to have a few good moments.

Debbie: I forgot to pick up my son at daycare today.
Tammé: One time I forgot Ernest at the grocery store for three hours. He made friends with all the cashiers. And now he goes to one of the best colleges in the country. They're resilient.

Bash: That chair broke like a pile of twigs - sponsored by Patio Town!

Bash: Welfare Queen's moves are dirtier than the nethers of a street cat.

Bash: Liberty Belle wins the crown, but loses her daughter. And what's a mother without a child? Just a person.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Fan: Sheila! Sheila! Wait You're my favorite!
Sheila: I can see that.
Fan: Is Sheila your real name? Are those your real teeth? Do you have a boyfriend? I drove all the way here from Bakersfield! At least give me a hug! Just let me smell your neck

Sam: They didn't offer us any water. It's a bad sign.
Debbie: They never give bad news in a meeting. Bad news is a phone call.
Sam: No fucking water, no fucking respect.
Bash: I believe there is a water fountain by the men's room, if you're thirsty.

Glen: We were hoping for a boost from your big match with Welfare Queen after the big marketing push we did.
Debbie: Yeah, I saw the billboard behind the DMV in Encino.

Glen: You're gonna love Tom. Used to work for Brandon Tartikoff. He's one of us.
Sam: Yeah, I'm not Jewish.
Glen: No, I meant an artist.

Rhonda: "Dear Britannica, you may be the smartest woman in the world, but you are also the most beautiful. I wish I had gone to medical school so I could tell you to say 'Ah' with this." Oh!
Melrose: Interesting location for a "Mom" tattoo! They must be very close.
Rhona: "P.S. Have you ever read anything by Immanuel Kant? He is my favorite."
Melrose: Oh, an intellectual sexual predator! You're so lucky! All my letters are from little girls who like my hair glitter.

Tammé: This is the most fan mail I ever gotten. All I had to do was completely degrade myself in public.

Carmen: Where's Florian?
Bash: I wrote him a check that bounced.
Carmen: Bash! Come on. Not again!
Bash: Ugh! I'm good for it as soon as Birdie releases my bi-monthly allowance in five weeks.
Carmen: Doesn't bi-monthly mean every two weeks?
Bash: That's what I thought, too. Anyway, we got into this big fight, and he got really mad and stormed out. Said I was being completely solipsistic.
Carmen: Wow.
Bash: I looked it up. It means that you think you're the center of the universe and that you don't care about other people. Which is completely insane, because I hate being alone.
Carmen: You need to talk to him.
Bash: How? I don't know where he is. I keep calling the house but nobody answers.

Sam: So I'm some yuppie head of a shitty network in Anaheim. I think the sun rises and sets in my own asshole. What are you gonna pitch me to make me feel like less of a bourgeois douchebag?

Debbie: In a kidnapping story, the next step is for the grieving mother to make a public plea for her child's safe return. Then we cut to a remote cabin in the Montana wilderness where we see a hermit realize this is his long-lost wife and child who he'd forgotten because he was in a fire, suffered amnesia. My son, who I gave birth to after my going away, falls in love with my long-lost daughter. I have to stop their wedding. Uh-oh! She's already pregnant with her incest baby. It's raining 
Sam: Okay, Jesus Christ! I mean, it's a wrestling show for kids, not Guiding goddamn Light. 
Debbie: You're so dismissive. 
Sam: Really? That's the longest I've ever let a woman who I'm not sleeping with speak uninterrupted. You're welcome. It's an honor.

Sheila: I don't like people staring.
Ruth: Honestly, Sheila, after five years walking around Los Angeles in a fur corset, you'd think you'd be used to that.

Carmen: Shenanigans. Must be an Irish bar like Bennigans.

Ruth: When the Omaha World Herald calls you personable in their review of Talley's Folly, you know Hollywood must be waiting with open arms. So I came out, and I waited tables for a decade. I'm glad you think it's funny.
Tom: I just find it hard to believe someone so obviously talented as you could go so long without work. Who's your agent?
Ruth: I don't have one, which you already know. What agent in their right mind would let me anywhere near that contract we signed?

Debbie: How could you be so fucking stupid?
Ruth: What are you talking about?
Debbie: You're in the hotel room of the head of the network. He comes on to you and you run away?
Ruth: Was I supposed to fuck him?
Debbie: No. you're supposed to make him think that you might fuck him. Or that you desperately want to fuck him, if only you didn't have a fiancé or your period or an extra set of teeth where your vagina should be. 
Ruth: I'm not that kind of person. 
Debbie: What, an actress? I mean, that is how this business works, Ruth. Men try shit. You have to pretend to like it until you don't have to any more.
Ruth: It shouldn't be that way!
Debbie: No, it shouldn't, and women should get to direct and not be washed up by the time they're 30. And I should have gotten to eat a piece of my own wedding cake without worrying about how many minutes of Jane fucking Fonda it was gonna take to work it off, but that is the way it is. You don't make it better by flouncing out like some fucking Victorian schoolmarm every time a sleazeball puts his hand on your knee. You're taking 20 other people down with you.
Ruth: So just let them do whatever they want? Not exactly a guiding feminist principle.
Debbie: Feminism has principles. Life has compromises. Congratulations, Gloria Steinem. The one time you keep your legs shut, we all get fucked.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Bash: Wait, do we have an appointment?
Sam: No, Bash, we don't have an appointment. We're storming. An appointment would defeat the purpose of storming.

Bash: They gave a men's wrestling show our slot! And you want to know why? Hmm? Truth is, they're better! They fly higher, they hit harder.
Ruth: They hit harder because they're bigger. It's physics.
Bash: Oh, fuck physics, Ruth!

Sam: Jenny, I'm gonna need another gold jumpsuit for Cherry.
Yolanda: What? That's my costume.
Sam: Yeah, well, we're doing a Loser Leaves Town match. It was Bash's idea. It's gonna be Chola Junkchain vs. Black Junkchain. Sort of like a South Central turf war.

Justine: Sam's film, Gina the Machina, is closing out this film festival at the Highland Park Theater Wednesday.
Ruth: Really? A festival?
Justine: Well, it's small and obscure and only showing banned horror films from the late '70s, but it's still awesome.

Melrose: I know you sewed extra sequins into the crotch area of my costume.
Jenny: Maybe your vulva is overly sensitive.

Sam: What are you doing?
Ruth: I wasn't sure if you wanted me to sit near you.
Sam: So you choose to sit right behind me? It's creepy.

Sam: This is Gina The Machina. I made it when I was younger. I think there is some good stuff in it. I don't fucking remember.
Ruth: Is this the song with the anal birth?

Sam: I'm accustomed to a certain level of failure. It's just that when a project usually goes wrong, I know exactly what happened. And it's usually me getting in my own way or me not listening to other people. But with GLOW I have no idea why they shitcanned us. Not a fucking clue. None.
Ruth: I know why. That guy Tom Grant, he called me in for a meeting in his hotel room. And he came on to me. And I took off, before anything happened, but he wanted to sleep with me. And I didn't give him what he wanted, and I don't know, that's probably the reason why. That's your answer.
Sam: Are you fucking kidding me?
Ruth: No, I'm not.
Sam: Fuck that guy! Tom fucking Grant? - What a fucking sleazebag dick head. 
Ruth: Shh!
Sam: There's no one in here. Wow! God damn it. Fuck that guy. 
Ruth: You're not upset? 
Sam: No, I'm not upset. Are you kidding? I'm grateful. The show's being burnt out because of a dickhead network president, not because of me, not because of you. Because of that asshole. That's great. That's the best news I've hard all week. Tom Grant. Douchebag.

Debbie: So did Mark end up buying a bed and are you enjoying it?

[Sam smashes Tom's windshield]
Sam: Glen.
Glen: You know, he pisses off a lot of people. Could've been anyone.

Sam: Hey, yo, Phil! Phil! Yeah, hi. I'm shooting the show tonight. Okay? I'm not firing you. I just want you to give a little more time to finger my wrestlers backstage.

Sam: Save the misdirected anger for the ring.

Keith: One! Seriously, [Yolanda] wins?
Cherry: You think I want be a generic rapper forever? Please, it's fine. She can have [Junkchain]. 
Keith: Two! Sam, it's a private conversation. Get the fuck out of my ring.
Sam: I'm the director. I can be wherever the fuck I want.
Keith: Three!

Debbie: Give me my Savannah Rose back, commie scum!
Ruth: Savannah Rose? Oh, you mean Moscow Potato Blossom. The only mother she knows now is Mother Russia.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Keith: Don't touch her, just leave her - sll right, yeah. Pick her up. All right, cool.

Sheila: Want me to lick your wound? Saliva helps with blood clotting.
Melrose: She's not even bleeding. 
Sheila: She might be bleeding internally.

Melrose: Okay, time for a Klonopin.
Arthie: Hey, you already gave her a Valium.
Melrose: Okay, half a Klonopin?
Sheila: Why is this taking so long? My friend is in pain. Do you hear me? My friend is in pain! 
Ruth: You're my Shirley MacLaine. 
Melrose: And the first pill just kicked in.

Russell: What a fucking asshole. What? I like her. I was just trying to help.
Justine: You helped. We all saw. Sam's just, you know, stressed.
Melrose: You know, but you are right. He is a pretty big fucking asshole. Half a Klonopin? Take the edge off?

Jenny: It's like that movie Ice Castles where the small town girl with big talent gets into this world of skating competitions and then she goes blind and then she has to skate blind and she does. And then there are all these roses, but she can't see them.
Cherry: Yeah, whatever. Fuck that movie. It happened to Joe Theismann last Monday. One minute you're dropping backwards to pass the ball, the next your leg cracks back in nine places.

Ruth: Distract me.
Sam: Well, I'm not gonna be my regular chipper self.

Stacey: Hey, Dawn! What did the squid say to the bagpipe?
Dawn: I don't know, Stacey. What did the squid say to the bagpipe?
Stacey: I'd fuck you if I could get you out of those pajamas.

Tammé: "If two men fight together, and the wife of one draws near to rescue her husband from the hand of the one attacking him and puts her hand down and seizes him by the genitals, then you shall cut off her hand!" It's like an action movie. I should've read this sooner.

Melrose: You're about to make love with a man for the first time. You, A, turn off the lights. B, turn on the lights. C, ask what he prefers. Well, definitely B. If I didn't want to see him, why the fuck would I be ~making love~ to him in the first place?

Debbie: How is she? 
Tammé: We don't know anything yet. 
Sheila: We know she's in horrible pain. 
Carmen: And she can't walk.
Yolanda: Other than that, she's peachy.
Bash: Here. Ruth doesn't have insurance, and we don't know what to fill out.
Bash: How could she not have insurance? She's a professional wrestler.
Cherry: Yeah. Employed by Bash Howard Productions.
Tammé: Who doesn't provide health care.
Bash: How many of you don't have insurance?
Melrose: My parents pay for mine.
Keith: We do stunts and don't have a death wish.

Arthie: I failed out of med school so this place brings out a lot of bad feelings.
Sam: What? You went to med school?
Arthie: Yeah. When I wasn't wrestling, I was studying. You didn't notice I always had books with me?
Sam: No. But I really don't pay attention to all of you.

Sam: I let my mother slowly deteriorate in a place like this instead of dying on a beach in Italy like she wanted. I just thought that the game was living as long as possible instead of dying on your own terms. Big fucking mistake.

Dr. Freyaman: It's a clean fracture. Just snapped right in two but there are no bone splinters, nothing shattered. I hate when the bone shatters. You gotta find all the pieces. This is such a beautiful break. A+.

Ruth: I have eaten shit for months. I have done everything I can think of to make this right. 
Debbie: You can't make it right.
Ruth: Great. Then I'll stop trying.

Bash: I never felt so guilty about anything.
Sam: Jesus! You live a charmed life.

Ruth: SS? 
Sam: It's my initials.
Ruth: Could you clarify that it's not a Nazi reference? Maybe draw a heart around it or something?
Sam: Wow! Fucking sensitive.

Sam: We got four episodes left, right? Fuck it. No one's watching. No one cares. Ruth can't even walk. So I say we do whatever the hell we want to do. Let's just set the weirdos free and see what the fuck happens.
Ruth: I hope you guys have fun.
Sam: Oh, you're not getting out of it. You're like a one-woman idea machine. And where we're going, you don't need legs. 
Bash: You did see Back to the Future!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Zoya: I have small child.
Olga: Zoya, you have given birth!
Zoya: Of course nyet. I am frigid and barren like Siberian tundra.
Olga: As I recall, was cruel nickname of yours in high school.
Zoya: Shut up! I have kidnapped the small daughter of great American rival Liberty Belle and I'm holding her at fortress, guarded by evil minion. Plan is to indoctrinate her into Marxist thought and sell her to highest bidder.

Olga: Hollywood, what a country! For first time, little goat, you can eat hamburger without committing cannibalism, and we have tickets to Cats. Yes, I know it's touring production, but what do you expect?

Black Magic: it will cost you something dear.
Brittanica: What?
Black Magic: Your brain!
Brittanica: My brain? But I need my brain for work.
Black Magic: Not if you have man to take care of you.

Olga: I love America! Democracy, Coca-Cola, Walter Disney, Mickey Rourke. Ooga!

Brittanica: No wonder you're having so much trouble. There's hardly any pictures in this book and it's full of math.

Lois & Joan: Life may be hard, but Quilting Bee Easy!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ruth: This is real curriculum? 
Justine: Yes, it's called Family Living. 
Ruth: Family living? That's a class?
Justine: Oh, yeah. And it's mandatory. They make you get fake-married and take care of a plant and make a household budget.
Ruth: God, I miss high school.
Justine: Whatever. It's all regressive bullshit. There's more girls than guys in the class, so they gave every husband two wives.
Ruth: Ooh, teen polygamy!
Sam: And now I gotta meet with her teacher because she's failing this class that shouldn't exist in the first place.
Justine: I'm not failing. I'm getting a D - in protest.

Sam: Justine! Turn down the fucking music!
Justine: It's not that loud!
Sam: It sounds like someone's being murdered by a trash compactor!

Cherry: Sam's very loyal. You'll see. He'll keep calling you up to play a hyper-sexual cannibal alien in a desert or some shit.

Jenny: Which one's this one again?
Sheila: Cupcake is the one who bakes for her. Not to be confused with the one who sends her chest hair clippings.

Jenny: Rhonda has a stalker.
Melrose: I know. Why don't I have a stalker?

Sam: I had sex with that woman 17 years ago, and now she's in my house, yelling at my daughter.
Ruth: That's your family.

Sam: They're so loud!
Ruth: You're loud!

Ruth: I'll stay but you should put on pants.

Bash: Have you seen Muppets Take Manhattan?

Rhonda: I can't answer this first question.
Jenny: You don't know your name?
Rhonda: No, what's a social security number?
Melrose: You don't have a social security number?
Jenny: How are you even working, like, right now?
Melrose: Well, what info did you put on the paperwork for the show?
Rhonda: I think I just left that part blank. 
Melrose: Rhonda. 
Jenny: Rhonda.
Rhonda: You guys, it's fine, okay? I'm just I'm a little bit off the grid, you know?
Dawn: Uh, try illegal.
Melrose: Did you kill someone in England?
Rhonda: I just like it here. I want to stay.
Jenny: You need to go to the British Consulate or whatever and like, get a visa. My uncle Timmy did it, and he barely speaks English. Now he owns, like, four doughnut shops.
Rhonda: I don't know. I've gotten this far without an American ID. I got this job, didn't I?
Jenny: Not everyone's as dumb as Bash. The Limited is serious, okay? It's a very well run company.

Bash: So Kermit goes into Sardi's and replaces Liza Minnelli's portrait with his own.
Debbie: How many times have you seen this movie?
Bash:  Florian and I saw it like four times in theaters as my research for my life in the arts.

Debbie: It is like Monty Python meets Laugh In meets Miami Vice meets Charlie's Angels.

Rosalie: [Justine]'s been lying to me for months. She's been calling me from her dorm room at a performing arts high school. She's been forging her report cards.
Sam: Fuck, that's elaborate.
Rosalie: What, are you proud? 
Sam: No. Well, yeah, maybe. Look, she lies to me, too, all right? She's got a gift.

Sam: You didn't call me to tell me you were having a kid.
Rosalie: Oh, well, excuse me for not calling the guy who didn't stay for breakfast! 
Sam: I don't think that's what happened. 
Rosalie: I asked you if you wanted eggs. You said, "I fucking hate eggs. That was fun." And then you made the black power fist and you left.

Ray: So what do you do?
Sam: I'm the director of a women's wrestling TV show. You?
Ray: I own a small chain of strip clubs. Although my wife likes me to say that I'm a small business owner. 
Sam: Chickie's, yeah. "Come for the wings, stay for the breasts." 
Ray: You know it? 
Sam: Yeah, I know this place.

Sam: So this is your big idea? This is your rebellion? You're going to run away and be someone's girlfriend?
Justine: I get it. You don't approve, man.
Sam: Who gives a shit whether or not I approve? Why do you care what I think? Stop caring what I think. Stop following me around. Stop following Billy around. You're your own person, right? Why don't you be your own fucking person then? Look, I know you want to stay. I want you to stay. But that might not happen. That doesn't mean you capsize your future just to make a point.

Ruth: This DJ is pretty great. And a freshman asked me to dance, but I said no.
Sam: Oh, you heart breaker. You want to dance with an adult?
Ruth: I can't dance.
Sam: Come on. You can do a music video about kidnapping, but you can't get up and pretend to hop around for a second or two?

Carmen: I did a drug!

Melrose: I'm saying no to drugs.
Jenny: Fuck that! Why are you being such a drag today?
Melrose: Oh, fuck off, Jenny! Because I'm sad! Okay? What if GLOW was the most exciting part of my life, and now it's over?
Jenny: Dummy, look, no matter what happens Your life will always be exciting because you're totally psycho.

Carmen: I am so high - but this is a great idea!

Debbie: I'm going to send Jim Henson a goddamned gift basket.

[Stuffy]

On 4/17/2018 at 8:55 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Debbie: I'd like to call on the power of my three favorite Americans: Ronald Reagan, Larry Bird, and Jesus Christ himself.

Fun fact:  At a recent SAG/AFTRA panel (may have been a different organization), Alison let everyone know this line was a Betty Gilpin improve.  Alison and Betty said they follow the script when Ruth and Debbie, but when they're in the ring as their characters they can do more improving. It made me wonder if Betty made up the "Pies of rage!!" line too.  That line kinda sounds like Betty's type of crazy random humor you see in her lighter interviews and essays. 

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Justine: I hate Sacramento. It's like going back to the 1950s.
Sam: All right, you know, I lived through the 1950s. I think you're gonna be fine.

Sam: Rhonda and her father walk down the aisle.
Ruth: Britannica doesn't have a father. 
Sam: Someone's got to give her away. 
Ruth: Why?
Sam: Lift the veil. This is weddings 101. I thought you girls fantasized about this shit your whole life.
Ruth: That is a gross generalization.

Sam: I'm thinking like a flower garland around the whole ring. The girls were pitching something more sparkly, but I like flowers.

[Sam sees Yolanda]
Sam: Oh, fuck. She's one of my wrestlers. I can't see her take off her clothes now that I know she's a person.
Ray: Yeah, wrestling. I gotta come check that out.
Sam: Yeah, well, catch it before it dies. Last show is this week.
Ray: If any of your girls need work, I'm opening up a new club in Fresno. I got a few more opening up next year. A lot of opportunities.
Sam: No, don't recruit my girls, all right? They're actresses. They're not strippers. Except for that one.

Arthie: OMIGAWD.
Sam: Relax, would you? I'm not your father, all right? We're just two people at a strip club.
Arthie: I've never been to one of these before.
Sam: Yeah, seen one, seen 'em all.
Arthie: [Yolanda]'s good, right?
Sam: Oh, man. Did you two actually fall in love during that stupid dream ballet? You did. Oh, that's cute.

Debbie: Hey, buddy. You wanna wrestle with mommy? So when you're older, you can talk about it with your therapist.

Debbie: Ruth, you're late because you're boning Russell. Own it. And here please cover that [hickey] up. And tell the Hoover vacuum to focus his efforts elsewhere next time.
Melrose: Yeah, like your clit.

Sam: So what's your real name? I'm not calling you cupcake.

Ruth: Oh, great. Glen's here.
Sam: Oh good, maybe he came to apologize for being a spineless dickhead. He's probably just here to make sure we don't run off with his equipment.

Sam: Aww, look, everybody looks so fucking weird and pretty. What the fuck is with that t-shirt?
Bash: Ewww! Machu Picchu pees the bed. What an interesting and strange thing to learn during a wedding.
Carmen: Till I was ten! Read the shirt.
Sam: What, did she lose a bet?

Bash: Wow! A unicorn! Every little girl's dream animal.
Sam: That horse better not shit in here. 
Ruth: It's definitely going to.

Sam: What the fuck is [Bash] doing?
Ruth: I don't know, but Rhonda just married a millionaire without a prenup.

Bash: Liberty Belle's dangling, just like the fate of our country in 1776.

Debbie: I've been baking pies at home. Pies of rage!

Debbie: I have faith that US and Mexican relations can only improve in the future.

Bash: Liberty Belle just did a castator into a crossbody! That's like doing algebra in space!

Bash: Omigawd, is that a Russian on a zipline? It is!

Debbie: Who is that? Who the fuck are you?
Sam: That's Ray. His kid goes to school with Justine. He owns strip clubs. He's cool.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Zoya: [Las Vegas is] a delightful capitalist town. One of your decadent neon lights could power entire Soviet village. And yet even we can afford clothes to cover women's nipples.

Debbie: What do you think of Sandy?
Sam: I think she's probably dynamite in the sack.
Debbie: I don't like her.
Sam: Well, sure. Nobody likes the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Debbie: I forgot how much I love talking to you.

Arthie: Does anyone know how to play this game?
Sheila: You gotta pay to throw. Both dice have to hit the back wall. It gets a little complicated after that, but maybe just pick a number.
Melrose: Four.
Jenny: No, not four. Four is the Chinese thirteen.
Melrose: Oh, you're Chinese now?
Jenny: I'm Chinese-Cambodian. The Chinese were colonizers all over southeast Asia. Asian identity is actually really complex.

Debbie: I thought seeing our name in lights would cheer you up.
Ruth: Technically, it's Bash's name in lights.
Debbie: Well, that would explain why no one knows who the fuck I am or what I do.

Rhonda: All we need for a good party is alcohol, drugs, and good people.

Sam: What the fuck is going on with your hair?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Sam: Waitress, can I get two Bloody Marys?
Ruth: It's still morning!
Sam: I know. That's why I didn't order scotch.

Sam: I wanted the filet.
Ruth: There's no fat so there's no flavor. I'm from Omaha. We take steaks seriously.
Sam: Steak bully.

Ruth: Have you been to the library?
Sam: What? There's a library at the hotel?
Ruth: No, at UNLV. I forced them to give me a temporary card.
Sam: Omigawd, this is like a nerd's eye view of Vegas.

Sam: I'm not drunk. I had three, four drinks on a full stomach.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Cherry: Denise says they do strength training in the morning, dance class in the afternoon, and they have a fucking nutritionist. Meanwhile I just saw Jenny in the kitchen spreading mayonnaise on a block of cheddar cheese.
Keith: That actually sounds good.

Ruth: Going to play tennis?
Sam: No, Ruth, I'm going to a mid-morning costume party dressed as John McEnroe's grandfather.

Sam: Gossiping between each point like a bunch of yentas. I thought they were going to send out for tea like it was fucking cricket or something.
Bash: Sam, if it was cricket, we'd be in flannels.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Russell: Nice digs. It's like an opulent dorm room.
Ruth: Yeah, the gold bathroom is particularly subtle.

Debbie: You didn't want to maybe shower?
Sam: Well, that would defeat the purpose of sweating, wouldn't it?

Russell: Vegas pawnshops are the best. Gambling gone wrong.

Sheila: The man has a lot of great lines and she just listens and asks a lot of questions.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Sandy: Bernie Rubenstein, a man who loved beautiful women as much as he loved a good parking spot. He actually hired me for my first job, straight off the bus from Ohio. He taught me how to do high kicks, how to smile, how to put Vaseline on my nipples so they always looked amazing.

Sandy: Imagine how you'd feel if Bash died.
Debbie: Well, it'd be very tragic given how young and handsome he is.

Bash: Help me get Debbie to come around on this thing. I'll be good cop, you can be bad cop.
Sam: Yeah, I don't know. I don't want to be put in the middle.
Bash: I'm not putting you in the middle. You'd be on my side which is not in the middle at all.
Sam: What happened to one for all, all for one?
Bash: It's a little bit more like two against one until we all agree for one.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ruth: [The desert] is so peaceful.
Debbie: You know what else is peaceful? The spa at the Sands.

Cherry: There are other ways you can be a performer. Hell, we're in Vegas. Go try comedy. You love making people laugh.
Tammé: Sure. Lots of clubs are looking for black women with no experience in their 40s.

Dawn: Why smoke a joint when you can smoke a whole bong?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Sam: Just be yourself. Maybe ten percent less weird.

Birdie: There's a water feature in the kitchen.
Rhonda: It's a hot tub. They're standard in all the penthouses.

Birdie: What mother doesn't want to learn from American Express that her son has married a new card holder?

Justine: It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if Jules was a boy - in a David Bowie kind of way.
Sam: It's a terrible idea.
Justine: You said it was interesting.
Sam: Yeah, and by "interesting," I meant "fucking stupid."

Sam: The Count of Monte Fuckface!

Birdie: Consider having children while I'm still young enough to be mistaken for their mother.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Carmen: You shouldn't wrestle an untrained waitress with fake boobs who doesn't even know an arm bar.

Bash: What if we just scrap the guesthouse and instead we go for a tennis court and a pool?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Yolanda: A bunch of straight girls going to an underground drag ball. Just what everybody wanted.

Ruth: You left without saying goodbye.
Sam: Goodbyes are for teenagers. Believe me, I know. I've spent the last six months with them. Very sentimental, especially the angry ones.

Sam: Why didn't you call me?
Ruth: Because you were gone. Because I'm midwestern and was taught to respect people's privacy.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Rhonda: I wish they had advent calendars for all the months.

Debbie: The woman with $40 million is playing Bob Cratchit?

Debbie: I don't even want to know why you're so drunk that you can't even put on a pair of fucking kiddie pajamas.

Melrose: See? All we needed was music, snow, and a hot black Santa.

Debbie: I am going to build us an Eden where we run the show, you and me. No more auditions, no more being at the mercy of these fucking idiots. We'll call the shots.
Ruth: And you want me to direct?
Debbie: If being an actor was going to happen for you, it would have happened by now. How many times are you going to break your own heart?

[JakeyJokes]

Russell: My Portuguese grandfather always told me there’s a little truth in every joke.

Ruth: Well, my grandfather told me absolutely nothing because he was a Protestant who died of hypertension, so cheers to our dead grandfathers.

Russell: My grandfather isn’t dead. I told you that.