Small Talk: The Library

[cko]

Cool, buffyjunkie, enjoy your moment!

 

I'm reading every day but  not posting, I guess. Life in a bit of a limbo while we decide what to do next--you may remember that I've lived with Dad for many years now, so in the future is a discussion/decision about how long we will keep the house, living arrangements, etc. I'm not worried per se -- or rather, it's not a bad worry to have to even have resources to "divide up" -- but it's been our family home since 1970, it's setting up thoughts for me about my own future (retire? when?), and will just generally mean a certain amount of change in the years to come. That's okay, too!

 

Meanwhile, my sister (whom many of you have met) still mostly lives here (she has her own place but basically moved in when Dad got sick) so we are going about our days. I'm back at work mostly full time, but on a college campus things really wane in the summer, so yay.

 

Harvester and others, is a trip to SF in July still in the works? I'd love to plan something. I see there is also a Chicago trip being discussed....ooh, wish I could do that one, maybe next year. I also want to swing NYC sometime; we shall see.

 

It's rather nice to be planning for the future, actually...

Cool, buffyjunkie, enjoy your moment!

 

I'm reading every day but  not posting, I guess. Life in a bit of a limbo while we decide what to do next--you may remember that I've lived with Dad for many years now, so in the future is a discussion/decision about how long we will keep the house, living arrangements, etc. I'm not worried per se -- or rather, it's not a bad worry to have to even have resources to "divide up" -- but it's been our family home since 1970, it's setting up thoughts for me about my own future (retire? when?), and will just generally mean a certain amount of change in the years to come. That's okay, too!

 

Meanwhile, my sister (whom many of you have met) still mostly lives here (she has her own place but basically moved in when Dad got sick) so we are going about our days. I'm back at work mostly full time, but on a college campus things really wane in the summer, so yay.

 

Harvester and others, is a trip to SF in July still in the works? I'd love to plan something. I see there is also a Chicago trip being discussed....ooh, wish I could do that one, maybe next year. I also want to swing NYC sometime; we shall see.

 

It's rather nice to be planning for the future, actually...

Cool, buffyjunkie, enjoy your moment!

 

I'm reading every day but  not posting, I guess. Life in a bit of a limbo while we decide what to do next--you may remember that I've lived with Dad for many years now, so in the future is a discussion/decision about how long we will keep the house, living arrangements, etc. I'm not worried per se -- or rather, it's not a bad worry to have to even have resources to "divide up" -- but it's been our family home since 1970, it's setting up thoughts for me about my own future (retire? when?), and will just generally mean a certain amount of change in the years to come. That's okay, too!

 

Meanwhile, my sister (whom many of you have met) still mostly lives here (she has her own place but basically moved in when Dad got sick) so we are going about our days. I'm back at work mostly full time, but on a college campus things really wane in the summer, so yay.

 

Harvester and others, is a trip to SF in July still in the works? I'd love to plan something. I see there is also a Chicago trip being discussed....ooh, wish I could do that one, maybe next year. I also want to swing NYC sometime; we shall see.

 

It's rather nice to be planning for the future, actually...

[Harvester]

I am booked for a conference in San Francisco is July, so I am definitely eager to meet anyone who is in the area. Even if we meet for dinner like we did a couple of years ago cko, that will be a treat!

I am also booked for Chicago, so hopefully I get a chance to see Chyna and maybe neighbors.

[buffyjunkie]

Just read about carciofo alla Guida (fried artichoke) in the March/April issue of Afar magazine. Trudi_tru, how is it you have never told us of this magical delight from your hometown?

[KittenPokerCheater]

Fried artichoke = the awesome.

 

There is a restaurant near me that serves it.  Good thing it's an expensive place, otherwise I'd be eating carciofo alla Guida every day.  Trudi, how did your People discover something to delicious?

 

My Dad has announced that he *may* be coming on Friday.

 

Right now the war of paper is in full swing- and thus far, the paper is winning.  Cue hysterical cleaning.

[trudi-tru]

Just read about carciofo alla Guida (fried artichoke) in the March/April issue of Afar magazine. Trudi_tru, how is it you have never told us of this magical delight from your hometown?

It's not guida, it's giudia, which means jewish. It's probably Rome's most typical and known dish, but it has it's roots in the Jewish community. Which we sincerely thank for the gift.

[AnnieF]

Just got a traffic ticket (driving w/ expired tags, whoops) and when I got home just now I had a delayed stress reaction, shaking and crying. Police scare me, and I'm a middle-aged white lady. I can't even begin to imagine how it feels to be a real target (ie, black). How has this become our country, where a traffic stop leads to the cop warning me that I could be arrested if I don't fix this, in a tone meant to intimidate, not inform? Why try to scare me (btw, it worked, good job Officer Unfriendly)?

I don't even know what else to say. That was a horrible experience, and it was just a routine traffic stop. We don't live in the place where I thought we lived. I've known that for a while, that the US is not a beacon of freedom, but an oligarchical police state. But getting reminded is awful, and I don't have to live it every day, like many people do. Still crying, don't know what else to say.

[trudi-tru]

How awful, Annie. People in a position of power often get their kicks out of making others feel powerless. Honestly I don't think it's a cultural thing so much as a human thing. I was once taken hostage inside a supermarket parking lot because the guy in charge of raising the bar refused to do so. I had to rummage through the garbage can to find a ticket with a barcode that hadn't expired yet.

[Chyna]

Ugh, sorry that happened to you, AnnieF. Why be an intimidating douchebag at a routine traffic stop? When I was a kid, it seemed like most of the people (mostly men) went into police work because they wanted to help and protect people--the same mentality that leads people to go into nursing or similar professions. But now it seems like most the people who go into police work do so because they want to kick someone's ass, and they're just waiting for an excuse.

[buffyjunkie]

Jerk. Reminds me of standing in the security line at the airport and the one TSA dude says to the guy ahead of me in an accusing tone of voice, "Your drivers license is going to expire in 6 months." So the guys says right back to the agent, "So what." Then the second TSA agent trys to make nice and says, "He just didn't want you to forget to renew it." BS.

We just opened our chocolate frog and got a Dumbledore card! Squeee.

Edited May 19, 2015 by buffyjunkie

[Erratic]

AnnieF, that plain sucks. Sorry you went through that.

I don't have much to add. We are still in our holding pattern for kids, and trying to keep our anticipation/excitement/stress at a minimum. It's really quite boring.

Our trip to Vancouver and Tofino was excellent.

Work sucks.

Right, you're all caught up on me. Carry on. Vibes being sprayed from this direction at all of you.

Edited May 19, 2015 by Erratic

[Earl Is Dead]

I'm sorry that happened to you Annie.  Assholes in positions of power are the worst.  Mr. Earl worked briefly as an unarmed security guard and even that position seems to attract and bring out the douchiest of douchebags. 

[AnnieF]

Thanks for the sympathy, everyone. That really shook me up (partly also because while I didn't have contraband in the car this time, I often do. And my medicine is a felony in this state, so yeah. To say I was freaked out doesn't even cover it).

And today I'll be doing more illegal driving, whee! I have to take the F-let to school, and then get the car smogged (has to be smogged before it can be registered). If you are seeing a Catch-22 in this situation, you are correct. Apparently one is supposed to go to the DMV somehow and get a 1-day permit to allow you to drive an unregistered vehicle). The DMV is of course not conveniently located on a bus line. I'm going to risk it. Wish me luck!

ETA: I'm back, car is smogged and registered. Whew.

Edited May 19, 2015 by AnnieF

[Harvester]

Yeah for smogging being complete! Boo for shitty cops! I am so sorry you had to deal with that abuse, AnnieF.

[Endeavour]

Sorry you had to deal with that AnnieF. I've been pulled over and have been very shaky afterwords too. Terrible feeling.

Sending vibes right back to you Erratic. I'm right there with you in the work sucks boat.

So we have an offer on the house that I'm probably going to accept. I do think we could get more if we leave it on the market but who's to say - bird in the hand and all that. Thanks for all the reasonable offer vibes and, if you could turn those into smooth closing vibes, that would be great!

Edited May 20, 2015 by Endeavour

[Erratic]

Smooth closing vibes winging right at ya.

[AnnieF]

I'm sending you the leftovers from our house closing, Endeavour, since it went very smoothly and we've got plenty left. To an easy close! :-)

[Loandbehold]

Much easy closing vibes, Endeavor. And work vibes to you and Erratic. Anti-dick cop vibes to AnnieF.

 

And, a big thank you to KPC for not only coming out and rooting my softball team on, but staying for the entire game, even after it became a blow-out for the other team.

 

Vibes to all others.

[trudi-tru]

Smooth closing vibes!

Buffy ended 12 (!) years ago today. Yikes.

[Ace Hansen]

I was pulled over years ago for expired tags on the first day of the next month. I had a rather disreputable car at the time, so he was probably not expecting to get a mid-30s white lady in office clothes. I wanted to be sassy, like uh, have you heard the tags have to come in the mail and that might cause some delays, officer? But I had some self-control and just nodded and smiled and promised to be good.  It's very nerve-wracking, getting pulled over.

 

Thinking of y'all and sending vibes for everyone!

[KittenPokerCheater]

Smooth Closing Vibes!  Sweet happy and easy closing vibes!

 

Yes, I went to LnB's softball game as the representative of the Meet Market!  What he has not told you is that he played very well indeed. I am impressed with the whole team, and  I hope to root them on at another game.

 

AnnieF, that sucks beyond all telling.  I have met some very nice cops, and some very awful ones.  I am angry as carp that you got pulled over by a Jackhole Cop.  I wish there was someone you could complain to without having to worry about reprisals.  Fucking Bad Cops.  Why aren't there more Capra-esque cops out there?

 

When I made a report about my purse getting stolen, I felt like I got the 3rd degree from the cop- he yelled at me for not going to the right precinct (didn't know there was another one I was supposed to go to).  I honestly felt like I was being treated like the perpetrator.  It was scary as hell- and has made me wonder about the state of cops.  

 

Did Buffy really end 12 years ago?  I didn't realize I was so old. Hey kids, get off my lawn!!!!!

[Endeavour]

Off my lawn too dammit! 12 years? - amazing how quickly time is flying. Although, I've met you KPC and you are not up there in age yet.

Thank you all for the closing vibes. Keep them coming!

Anyone seen the Avengers? I liked it - not as much as the first one. Probably only because it wasn't as shiny and new. There was a storyline I didn't think was necessary but, overall,it was a lot of fun and kept me entertained.

[Chyna]

I also liked the Avengers but not as much as the first one. I think part of the problem was that there were just too many characters, so we didn't get to spend that much time with any of them. In the first one, the whiz bang special effects were cool, but the best parts were the long scenes of characters interacting--the Iron Man-Thor argument, the Black Widow-Loki interrogation, etc. We didn't get as much of that in A2 because there were so many plates spinning at all times.

 

Also, as much as I like Linda Cardellini, there was too much Hawkeye. Let's face it--he's clearly the most boring of the Avengers.

[Erratic]

Totally hypothetically, but if you were offered the opportunity to have a healthy (5 year old) child, with little to no legal risk (of being returned to birth parents), no prenatal exposure to alcohol or drugs, no behavioural or developmental issues, and not tied up in any legal red tape at all, except there is a small complication that he comes with 2 sisters aged 2 months and 18 months, what would you do? What would your partner do? Is there room to compromise when there is only one thing in the 'con' column, except it is a pretty big thing, or three things?

Asking for a friend...
 

Edited May 22, 2015 by Erratic

[Loandbehold]

Tough decision. If your "friend" believes s/he and partner can handle 3 kids at once, and, assuming that neither of the smaller children have very serious issues (at least that are known about), it's definitely something to consider, Not having kids myself, all I can do is say what I've heard from others (and I'm sure better responses will come from those here with kids), but having two kids is not merely twice the work, but a lot more. So, that's the other hand. Let me ask you this, if you say no, does that put you at the bottom of the list, or does that not have any impact on your chance for another kid, maybe one with no siblings attached?

[Erratic]

There are no repercussions for saying no.

All three kids are healthy.

As I say, everything is on the 'pro' side, except for the sheer volume of children. It's a right doozy.

For my, uh, friend.

[Loandbehold]

Will your neighbors look askance if your friend takes the three, then has a yard sale where two of the kids are just thrown in amongst the purchases?

[Endeavour]

I don't have any good advice, but will be thinking of your friend/partner, sending vibes their way, and know that they will make the right decision for their situation - whatever that ends up being.

[AnnieF]

That is...a lot for your friend and her partner, let's call him Tory, to think about. That is going from zero to really fast in a very short time frame. Tory and partner would have a full range of young children experiences happening not sequentially, but all at once. Very young infant? Check. Toddler at an age that's mobile enough to be dangerous but nowhere near mature enough to understand danger? Check. Kindergartner (?) who is probably going to need a lot of explanations about, well, everything (not just adoption circumstances, but also those very important questions like "Why is the sky blue?" and "When Superman uses x-ray vision, can he see his own skeleton?") Check.

Does that mean that I think that Tory and partner should not go for it? No, definitely not. If "they," screw it, if you think you two can dive in and do it, and it is your real, true gut feeling deep inside that you want this, you want this family of three kids and a full house and noise and skinned knees and tears and sleepless nights and laughter and joy and wonder, then do it. But only if you won't look back with regret. It will be so hard. I only have two, and they didn't arrive in one package, and there were times in the early days when my younger son was very new when I wondered what the hell I had done, and how I was going to survive it. Those days passed. :)

Having been your friend for 8 years, I think you are up to the challenge. But that's the opinion of an online friend who can't possibly know which way the scales weighing "Super Excited" vs "Absolute Terror" are balancing for you and Kory. And of course it's not so simple, because Super Excited and Absolute Terror are all mixed up. I truly wish you a decision-making process that feels right for the two of you. Sending you so much love, Erratic. :)

Edited May 23, 2015 by AnnieF

[Darkpool]

Having never gone down that road myself, I have no idea what advice to give your friends. I'd be inclined to say "go for it" because even if it's incredibly scary based on sheer volume, humans have a tendency to rise to meet these sort of challenges. Most of us are wired to by millions of years of evolution. I expect that if your friends take the plunge, they'll look back after six exhausting months and find themselves unable to picture life without any of the three, and won't regret a thing.

 

But that's just a guess from someone with zero affinity for kids.

[Earl Is Dead]

Sending your friends all the decision making vibes in the world, Erratic , and extra that they have peace in their hearts with whatever decision they make.

[Barphe]

Erratic, this is a choice that you can't really crowd source, but whatever side you come down on is unassailable by others. The only thing in re a gaggle of children that I have heard, is that while 2 is more than twice the work of one, 3 is not that different from 2. I only have 2, so I'm sharing anecdotally. You have my love and support.

[Erratic]

Trust me, I am not crowd sourcing any more than we are making a pro and con list that has 20 pros and one con.

We are thinking and mulling and marinating the possibility. Talking out loud helps, and telling you guys is safer than telling people at work.

In the end, we'll make a gut call if we get matched. We are in this from the start to provide kids who need us as parents, not the other way around. If we are the right fit for these three, we'll know if it gets to that stage. If not, then they will get wonderful parents elsewhere.

Edited May 23, 2015 by Erratic

[AnnieF]

What I've been told about 3 kids vs 2 kids is that the parents have to switch from a man-to-man defense to a zone defense. Hee hee. ;) Two in diapers at the same time does not sound super-fun, but meh. It's diapers. Eventually they're a distant memory. I had two in diapers and cribs for a short while -- there was an overlap between the F-ster and the F-let both in cribs, so I didn't get to reuse crib #1 for kid #2. That was kind of annoying, but in the end I gave both of those cribs to a woman who worked at the F-ster's daycare who was having twins. She was beyond thrilled to get that furniture, so it all worked out in the end.

Would you have to buy more furniture? Probably also a good idea to have two diaper pails, not just one. Logistics, whee! :-)

ETA: all my blather is getting the cart ahead of the horse, and Erratic, it sounds to me like you are looking at this exactly the right way. If the match feels right, then there you go. I'm sending you so many good wishes and vibes and love and support. :)

Edited May 23, 2015 by AnnieF

[buffyjunkie]

Yeah, it's not the two in diapers that will kill you but the two pre-teen/teen pre-driver's license that will kill you, especially if you have to do solo parenting periodically.  If one of you is a stay-at-home parent, it is an entirely different ball-game.  Also three years apart is generally considered ideal spacing in that anything two years or less apart may lead to uber-competitiveness (something to do with setting themselves apart in their parents' eyes.)  What I would ask your friend is what size family they originally imagined.  Still, they may imagine two and end up with twins on the second go-round.  So best laid plans and all that jazz.  As I am super-close to my sisters I used to bemoan that my daughter did not have one.  Until my best friend, who did have a sister, reminded me that not all sister relations are identical to mine.  Sometimes when I have a tough decision, I try to imagine how I would feel if each choice doesn't come to fruition.  The one I feel worst about not happening tends to be the one I should choose "logic be damned."  Best of luck.
 

[trudi-tru]

Erratic, you need to go with your gut on this. I don't think there is any other way to make such a decision.

Whatever you and your husband decide, we support you 100%.

[Chyna]

I've heard the same thing about man-on-man vs. zone defense. :)

 

Something to consider is that 5-year-olds can be surprisingly helpful. They feel like "big kids" when they compare themselves to toddlers, so they're usually pretty willing to help and can follow complex instructions--"Can you run upstairs and get me a new box of baby wipes from the closet?" "Can you get your sister's sippy cup out of the fridge?" etc. They can also usually entertain themselves pretty well at that age. And there is a WORLD of difference between a kid who can dress themselves and use the bathroom by themselves and one who can't. The day I realized that I didn't have to attend to anyone's bathroom needs but my own was a beautiful one.

[AnnieF]

Yeah, it's not the two in diapers that will kill you but the two pre-teen/teen pre-driver's license that will kill you, especially if you have to do solo parenting periodically. If one of you is a stay-at-home parent, it is an entirely different ball-game

Truth. This is my exact situation: the F-let is 12 and the F-ster is 15. He can get his learner's permit in August. I wouldn't have thought that I'd be so, so ready for him to start driving, but here we are. I'm a SAHM and driving the kids around is my job. It makes life easy for Mr F, that's for damn sure. He can go to work and not worry about whether the kids are getting to where they need to go, 'cause I'll do that. If I were also working full-time, it would be difficult to manage all the transpo needs. My friends who do it seem to have created networks of people in the same situation. They draw up rotas and everything, heh.

I am veering between being happy that the F-ster will be able to drive himself around, and terrified. Parenting! :-)

And there is a WORLD of difference between a kid who can dress themselves and use the bathroom by themselves and one who can't. The day I realized that I didn't have to attend to anyone's bathroom needs but my own was a beautiful one.

TRUTH. SO MUCH TRUTH.

Edited May 23, 2015 by AnnieF

[KittenPokerCheater]

Coming late to the game:  Your friend needs to follow their heart and their gut.  

[Erratic]

Lol. Thanks to all of you.

I'll let you know what happens next week.

[trudi-tru]

Sometimes when I have a tough decision, I try to imagine how I would feel if each choice doesn't come to fruition. The one I feel worst about not happening tends to be the one I should choose

I do this too. Looking at it from the perspective of what would be more upsetting if didn't happen.

In other news, it's raining. Boo!

[Harvester]

I don't have any wise words Erratic, but I am sending you all the good vibes I have to support your decision.

[cko]

Ditto on the vibes, Erratic. You are amazing!

 

At Stinson beach for 4 days with pals. So nice, and no worrying about "back home" (except peripherally curious about what my brothers and sisters are "up to" after so many months of living in each others' pockets, so to speak).

 

Lots of big decisions looming in the future, but for now, this is good...

[Barphe]

I've known my I laws for about 20 years. Tonight, I found out that they had been separated for years before my husband was born. That's pretty weird.

What is sort of freaky is that this is the first my husband has heard of it.

[Chyna]

Whoa. Definitely freaky.

[KittenPokerCheater]

Say what to the who Barphe?

 

I mean...your husband didn't just show up via the stork.  You have said that your in-laws have had some dementia issues; are they the ones who told you?

 

Many vibes and good thoughts to you and your husband.

 

And happy memorial day to all.

[Barphe]

Good catch, KPC, except no.

A friend of my MiL was over and casually mentioned that she had never met my FiL, since she had been pals with MiL, "in the time when you were divorced, and not yet married again." I thought this was some sort of joke that went over my head, but when said friend left, my FiL remarked that it wasn't worth correcting her that they'd never divorced, just separated.

At that point, my husband called a cousin and asked WTF? The cousin then shared the details... So, apparently not a demented fantasy. Although, definitely effed up.

[trudi-tru]

Well, if they were separated but then got back together again before your husband was born, I can sort of see how it'd never come up, especially if they are not big on sharing. Being part of a family that doesn't really talk, it doesn't seem so crazy to me.

[Barphe]

The thing is, in that family, there was no culture of secrecy. My husband had a bedrock conviction that he knew everything about his parents. That's why the freak out.

[AnnieF]

And they were separated for years? How many years are we talking about here? That does seem weird, that's for sure. Do you think they were embarrassed, maybe?

Posted this in the other place, but I'm putting it here too because I can't stop saying it in my head: sink flange baffle. After much Googling, I finally figured out that that's what the rubber doodad that sits inside the hole in the sink is called. The doughnut-shaped metal piece that creates the hole is the flange, and the rubber gasket is the baffle. Sink flange baffle. Go ahead, try it out. "Sink flange baffle." Hee hee.

[KittenPokerCheater]

Sink flange baffle.  Sink flange baffle.  Is the flange pronounced Flangeee or Flan or Flang?  Inquiring minds (that are also giggling uncontrollably) want to know.

 

Barphe, I am still confuzzled by your In-laws.  This feels like some intricate mystery I'd find in the Library.  Was one of them also a jewel thief?  Or a Master Forger?