Tanukisan

When Jamie called Beth her mobile phone identified the call as coming from "Fucktard" -- I had to laugh at that one.

Like a viewer beset by multiple accents, these comments are in the order of episode scenes broadcast. Wait, I can understand why Tumi might have immigration issues, coming from Australia, but isn’t Vile Kyle a citizen of the EU? Going to another destination in the EU? So…. Why the problem? Unless “asshole” is not a proper EU country? Luka! Recently seen from BD:DU. Good luck, buddy -- you have potential! Mustique (the boat) – “It’s solid, it’s steel, it’s heavy.” So maybe no stabiliser problems this season? Chef Jack may be unintelligible to some, but Liverpool is just over the border from Wales. Su’Mae! There’s a paperwork problem – and we’re just now hearing about it? This sort of thing hadn’t been worked out before, and Queeg is exasperated about it? Isn’t this the sort of thing that would have been worked out ahead of time? At the least, isn’t it the Captain’s responsibility to get these docs together? Toni and Nikola (engineers) – nice to meet you. Will probably not see you again throughout the season. The primary on the first charter has a personal connexion to Captain Queeg? If I didn’t think the guests were made up before, I do now. He’s a bit of a dick as well – thinking the yacht is a taxi and he should be able to go whenever he wants wherever he wants. More paperwork drama – finger is pointed at Ruan and one of his documents – a pic of someone else on a document of his? Someone’s got some ‘splainin’ to do! This tub is so big and heavy a local pilot needs to be on board to leave/enter port. Even less of a reason to need you, eh Queeg? Lessens the docking drama opportunities, though. And speaking of Queeg, comparing the current chef to the chef from last season is pretty useless. Then when he’s successful, butter wouldn’t melt (pardon the pun). So, it looks like Ruan was a fraud all along! Still can’t help thinking this wasn’t all planned, but still, at least the rest of the crew won’t suffer. Jessika is going to be a problem – complaining right away when everyone is working short-handed. What will happen next week? Will the crew be frozen without a bosun? Will we be blessed with the arrival of Tumi? Will we be cursed with the arrival of Kyle? Stay tuned, if your photocopied documents can be validated….

Perhaps the only thing you missed out was a dash of twerking, but then that may have been on purpose.... (:

Like a prawn at dawn who's on with a yawn, these comments are in the order of episode scenes broadcast... Hajimemashite. Doozo yoroshiku onegai itashimasu. Or so it is with cheffy and teppanyaki. Yet she pulls it off! Jason and his volcano – so demeaning. So sorry cheffy has to go through this. But she’s a trooper – I bet she prevails. Guest comment regarding previous iron accident -- “Love the iron print.” Passive aggressive much? When Aesha is on camera focus, is she always high? That hippy/trippy crap is unendurable. Again with Aesha and Jason with his contacts. Get a room, people. Culver: “I’ve been working hard, y’know?” Really? In which dimension? And Culver hasn’t heard from his next Captain – there’s a shock. When your phone's not ringing, Culver, that's your next job not calling. J-Wow’s comment on Culver’s (lack of) work ethic was entirely legitimate – and Culver’s rejection of it explains why Culver will never go anywhere. I read a book called “Things Fall Apart” by Chinua Achebe at University – and it’s sad to see things fall apart in this last episode. Most of all I feel bad for the lost potential between Tzarina and J-Wow. I firmly believe J-Wow has tried so hard to correct his previous indiscretions, but ultimately things didn’t work out. I believe in you, J-Wow. I think you’re well on the road to redemption. Don't c*ck it up. Maybe it’s just me – I just don’t have a lot patience for people who conduct themselves the way they do during their drunken revels and then try to seek forgiveness or excuse after the fact. I don’t even take satisfaction in knowing I wouldn’t be like that – there’s no sense of schadenfreude at all. But how long can I keep watching people who refuse to learn from their errors/mistakes/behaviour? Harry – you’re a nice person and I wish you all the best. Culver – you’re an obnoxious and lazy jerk. Margot – pleased you’ve stepped up to be better. Tzarina – you proved to be a great chef and loved by the guests, even though your food won’t win any awards for presentation – it apparently tasted great! The Kaiju-Maru – just because you can convert a Japanese fishing vessel into a yacht, doesn’t mean you necessarily should. Every episode I was expecting/hoping Gojira or some giant octopus would sink the boat. What will happen next week? Well….. I’m sorry to say I peeked on the Bravo site and found out. If you don’t want to know, stop reading. No, seriously, spoilers ahead…. You have been warned….. Good golly Miss Molly – next week we start a new season of BD:M. The worst part – Captain Queeg is back. Vomit. Captain Bly or Captain Ahab would be preferable. I wonder what the over/under will be on when she’ll lose it. Another vomitworthy moment – Kyle is back. In the previous season of BD:M Kyle hooked up with a charter guest and you’d think it would be “Happy Ever After” with them – but apparently not. So even though a cardinal rule is crew and charter guests should not mix, but they did…. Kyle is back. Hoping this thoroughly horrid person is sacked soon. You’d be hard pressed to find a lazier and more back-stabby crew member. The only plus side is that Tumi is back! She was the angel from BD:DU first season and she’s the top stew! Tumi was great and just for her I will tune in to the first episode or two. So until next time I wish all of you fair winds, full sails, and calm seas. As well as less complicated or troublesome relationships to what we've seen thus far. Cheers, mates!

Like an argumentative crew turning on itself, these comments are in the order of the episode scenes broadcast… Culver: “There’s a lot you don’t see.” Yeah, mate, but there’s a lot we *do* see. And what we see of you isn’t often complimentary. So much to unpack in the first few moments of this episode. Harry expresses his opinion regarding Margot, but he’s not privy to the experience and pecking order of the interior. J-wow correctly points out that Culver was not cut out to be lead deckhand while Culver attempts to deflect and maintain how great he is. Aesha tries to comfort Jaimee but Aesha is the one who made the decision to supplant Margot with Jaimee on service for the last charter. This alone is fodder for an entire episode. What an unhappy ship for a final charter. What we see of the “date dinner” with J-wow and Tzarina is interesting. This season J-wow has shown himself to be a very different person to what he was in previous seasons. Tzarina has every right to be cautious based on what others have told about him. There’s a lot of baggage there. Have to admit, though, I’m on team J-wow at this moment. Once again, when the bill arrives, Culver becomes an astronomer – looking at the sky, etc., everywhere but at the cheque. So… given a choice between a guest cabin and the bilge, where does Culver take Jaimee? Yeah. Go Culver. So our next charter guests are “Cannabis Executives”? Drug dealers. Great. How many times are we going to see a guest’s bit of clothing melted? This isn’t the first. Why is it every anchor drop we see lately is slow and sedate, while the one that happened to Adam was at 78rpm by comparison (those under 50 years old probably won’t get that reference). Tzarina, about J-wow: “He’s different around me now.” Yeah, you called him a fake. It hurt him. Cappice? Margot, doing the job of an upmarket stew, put out wine glasses without an order from Aesha. Maybe we can get along with “lesser” stews after all, eh? Jason is pushing the chef to do something she doesn’t want to do. Chef is pushing back. When it comes to food, you have to trust the chef. Sail your own waters, Cap. What will happen on the season finale next week? Will the crew part friends? Will J-wow return to his previous ways? Will the Kaiju-maru survive another docking? Will the entire season end up as the damp squib it has been so far? Stay tuned, and prepare to be disappointed. Again.

Like a smothered budgie gasping for air, these comments are in the order of the episode scenes broadcast… One of the drunken guests escapes and perches herself on the bridge. Jason blames J-wow because he was left with the guest? Isn’t Jason the one that constantly reminds us that he and the crew are there for the guests? Yeah, she was drunk and happy, but she wasn’t belligerent or oppressive. But Jason wasn’t pleasant or hospitable at all – he pretty much was the opposite. Way to lead the team, Cap. So Aesha, who’s a veteran at her job, is saying the guests can drink before they go for a dive? When the person in charge there is adamant that Australian law forbids drinking and diving. She should have known better. The guests had every right to be cheesed off. Aesha: “What is wrong with me?” You’re a hippy/trippy person that doesn’t own her errors. Spare me “Keith Stone” – or EO Culver in any incarnation. But with these guests and their level of intoxication, maybe it’s warranted – if not appropriate. They did have a good time. J-wow: “Credit where it’s due. Culver is shit at his job, and he’s a great entertainer.” Fair call. J-wow got the helmet, but clearly it was Aesha who deserved it. Jason didn’t want to face the guest at the bridge, but he’s the one who always says they’re all there for the guests. Hypocrite. In fact, this whole charter, Jason kind of behaved like he didn’t want to be there. What will happen next week? Will Jaimee forgive Harry? Will the J-wow/Tzarina relationship survive? Will Culver stop eating? Stay tuned, if you can stay focused…

Like someone who drew straws to see if I would view this episode (pay attention, it becomes relevant later), these comments are in the order of the episode scenes broadcast… The dishes that were served on their night out… Korean fried cauliflower? That is wrong on at least 4 levels… Culver can’t pull his weight on the boat… he can’t pay for dinner when it’s his turn… Hmm….. Culver only has three mullet wigs. That’s three too many. And spare me the sex porn. This show has really hit rock bottom. Jason: “I don’t need to know that.” Yes, mate, the rest of us too. The massive dietary restrictions from the guests do not portend well for Tzarina, but if anyone can sort it, she can. When she’s not doing J-wow. Who saw that coming? She herself said she didn't 2 years ago. Guest: “You’ll find we drink heavily.” So you’ll get on with the crew quite well. Uh-oh – just before the commercial break we see drama breaking out among the guests. Nothing like alcohol to show what people think of each other when they get together. In this case – not much. Watching them eat each other regarding who is or is not lactose intolerant is, at least, amusing. I’m rapidly becoming guest intolerant. Guest: “I like ji! (another guest). Maybe she’s a fucking (four * expletive deleted) but I like (her)!” I hope no one “likes” me that much. And the budgie smugglers come out once again to serve the overserved guests. What will happen next week? Will Tzarina be distracted enough by J-wow such that there’s nothing to eat? Will the guests eat the deck crew? Will the crew and the stews eat each other? Stay tuned, if you can keep it down…

Like someone who was just “sampling” the drinks as the band played on, these comments are in the order of episode scenes broadcast… So your charter guests have someone who has a severe medical problem, a seizure, and… you all just carry on. What mates. With friends like that… Culver, you are a self-centred twit that would have Narcissus himself say, legitimately, “Whoa, at least I’m not like *that* guy!” Fully support Tzarina and J-wow’s flirtations. She likes it. He likes it. They genuinely like each other. Interesting to see what happens going forward. How is it the anchor can drop in slow-mo compared to when Adam got sacked and it was in free-fall? Contrived? Hmmm…. At first, I was inclined to think that Margot was just sampling drinks as she made them. But the camera showing she drank cup after cup after cup…. Not so much. Aesha, to Luka: “Why do you have your top on?” Well, I’m not sure the charter guests as they are will respond to a topless Luka. Aesha: “I really don’t want to tell on Margot.” And yet, you did. Can’t handle your own department? Jason: “I really don’t need a lei.” Aesha: “Oh yes you do!” Gag. Get a room, people. Aesha, you are so phony. You hug Margot and encourage her, and yet you run to Jason with your report and then with crocodile tears hope she’s not fired. You are the worst manager I’ve seen on this show. What will happen next time? Will Culver have his card punched? Will Tzarina and J-Wow move forward? Will Aesha and Jason get a room? Stay tuned, if you can stand it…

Like a smuggled budgie gasping for air, these comments are in the order of episode scenes broadcast. Jason thinks he can “shake up” Culver. The only thing to shake up Culver is the blender to make his smoothies. Goodbye Adam. You seem like a nice enough fellow, but you were on the wrong end of too many errors. Culver, trying to explain his shortcomings: “I’m still trying to get into that groove.” How many more years will it take? Margot: “I don’t want to be needy and annoying, but I am.” Boy howdy. Holy crap, did Cheffy just channel Rachel? “Feed me!” Yikes! At least the snorkeling made more sense than another beach picnic. Looked like fun, and the brief underwater scenes were nice. Margot wanted to get in on service – she has – and now she dreads making drinks? Perhaps a bit of research beforehand would have been advisable? What will happen next time? Will the charter guest be OK? Will the drama put Culver off his feed? Will the new guy Luka make any mistakes? Stay tuned, if you can stay conscious….

Like a viewer who was hoping for a demonstration of the perfect clubhaul by the Kaiju-maru, these comments are in the order of the episode scenes broadcast. Captain Jason, very calmly: “I’m furious.” Oh….Kay…. Given the fact that Sir Isaac tells us that F=ma, does anyone else think the anchor incident was re-shot, re-edited, etc.? That anchor would have sunk in a very short time, but the timeline we saw was… longer. But that notwithstanding, it was certainly a serious incident and could have ended badly. Aesha: “This is like the least tacky thing we’ve had.” Oh, madam, your memory is oh so short. Aesha: “Can you imagine Harry in a threesome? He would not know what to do.” Way to support your crew, bitch. Once again, Chef T rocks the house with her cuisine. Presentation is still “splat-on-a-plate”, but the food is the thing the guests remember most. “Where’s Culver?” Cut to multiple scenes of Culver and food. Culver, sarcastically: “I’m so fired up to work for him (J-Wow) now.” Well, dog, perhaps if you got up off your ass and actually worked instead of stoking your gob, you’d have a point. You don’t. Watching J-Wow doctoring chef’s foot – you have to admit it’s rather cute. A J-Wow/Cheffy hookup? Looks possible. Margot: “Harry’s being very cold to me.” More like he’s just aware of who/what you are. Harry’s not so dumb after all. Margot – you giving relationship advice is a bit like listening to Bernie Madoff telling me what stocks to buy. Those budgies weren’t smuggled, they were abducted! Culver’s priority is his food, not his work. While the crew preps for docking, Culver is more concerned with his smoothie. J-Wow tells Jason about this and Jason just doesn’t want to listen! What will happen next time? Will J-Wow and Cheffy continue to play doctor? Will Culver overeat and need a doctor? Will the Kaiju-maru have a deck-tour? Stay tuned, if your budgies don’t suffocate…

Like a lackadaisical deckhand who just doesn’t know how to move quickly or know what to do, dog, these comments are in the order of the episode scenes broadcast. Margo (about Harry): “I just don’t like him that way. I don’t know how to handle any of this.” Well, as a first step, stop crawling into bed with him. For just a one-day charter the guests gave a $17,500 tip? Wow, they *were* nice! Culver – the only thing “horse” about your analogy with people is your teeth. Scott – dude, that porn ‘stache! Yikes! I don’t quite understand how transplanting coral back to a reef that is dying because the water is too hot…is going to save it if the transplanted coral is also going to die for the same reason. Unless this is some sort of super-mutated-genetically-engineered coral? But in any case, the underwater scenes were nice. Oh, Harry, you poor sod. It’s not you, it’s her. Margot isn’t into you, she’s into Margot. And a bit loony. Watching J-wow this season, compared to how he was in a previous season – it’s almost as if they’re not the same person. I like *this* J-wow much better. And speaking of someone being more into someone than others, Culver’s insensitivity and attitude is even worse. I feel so bad for cheffy, with Culver and Jaimee carrying on right next to her. Margot: “I honestly don’t know what’s going on in my mind.” Pfft. Finally. Culver, after cheffy’s passing “slut” remark as she walked past Culver and Jaimee: “She said it to you, she didn’t say it to me.” Um, are you certain about that? Could be both. Jaimee: “I feel like Culver doesn’t even care.” Bingo! And once again, 5 hours before the next charter, the drunken, hungover crew stagger from their bunks to wobble and weave around the ship to start their day. What will happen next week? Will the Kaiju-maru demonstrate the fine art of clubhauling? Will Adam sink? Will Harry swim? Will Culver know where he’s at? Stay tuned, if you have your lifejacket on…

Like a viewer who’s had massive computer and network issues all week and just now is able to post, these comments are in the order of the episode scenes broadcast… Right out of the gate on this episode there’s the implication that broken glass on the deck was the fault of the deck crew. No. Interior crew were there for the glass breakage and should have cleaned that up at the time or asked for help. Shenanigans. J-wow, referring to Culver when talking to the chef: “Then he’s a dick and you know what he’s like.” Yes. Yes, indeed. I’m starting to have faith in the concept of redemption if J-wow continues to exhibit wisdom. Maybe Harry has more game than was thought – after all, Margot did end up “snuggling” with him. Producer to Jaimee: “Do you always get what you want?” Jaimee: “Yes.” Ugh. Dislike her. And AGAIN Aesha is “helping” the Captain with his contact lenses. Just get a room, you two. Memo to guests – if you “want a holiday BBQ on the beach” – don’t charter a yacht. Just go to the beach. Poor chef. As someone who was the very personification of “geek” in High School, her cheerleader/jock analogy struck painfully close. These guests were so nice – and they have that “deer in the headlights” kind of look about them. Which tells me they were lured – led – shanghaied into this expedition. Culver – you’re complaining that your food needs are suffering? Actions have consequences, dog! Aesha – “because most people are right-handed”. Not all of us, sweetheart. Neanderthal Culver in a diaper as cupid? Hilarious! What will happen next week? Will Culver get the cleaver? Will Harry meet Sally? Will the Kaiju-maru get its paint scratched? Stay tuned, if you can sort it all out…

Aw, Zaffy, don't let me put you off. Now I feel bad -- you're always so nice! I just keep hoping to see boat people on boats doing boaty things, but I can't help commenting on the nature of some of the goings-on. Just my personal style, your mileage may definitely vary. 🙂 I snark, therefore I am. 🙂 I see what you did there! "Deadliest Catch", right? Bravo! The good kind, I mean. 🙂

Like a viewer who’s learnt to ignore the cliffhanger drama from the previous episode because they all turn out to be a damp squib, these comments are in the order of episode scenes broadcast (Ep 9). Sure enough, after some difficulty with the controls and understanding of “fast” and “slow” speeds, the Tender is docked and the drama is over. “It could have been serious.” Yeah, well, so could have the whole bloody series. OMG, not another one of these full body “use as a plate” things. It was bad enough they did that with Gary just a few weeks ago, now we have it again? Well, thanks Bravo for helping me keep to me New Years resolution to slim, because that whole thing is just nauseating. Sorry, Ja-Wow, not buying your history of vulnerability. How many times do we have to see Aesha helping Jason with his contacts? Get a room/cabin! Cheers, Harry, for trying to impress Margot. But after all that… she’s just not that into you. And thanks for sharing that with everyone. And there we go, off to the clubs and lessons not learnt, as if no one has seen the last couple of episodes. What will happen next week? Who are we kidding… pretty much lather, rinse, repeat.

Like a shell-shocked viewer who, after the last couple of episodes, thought the franchise might be renamed to “Bordello Deck”, these comments are in order to the scenes broadcast in Ep 8. So what do you do to follow the episode where crew get sacked for being sex predators? Yeah, that’s right – have your next guests be porn people. It really is “Bordello Deck”. Down Under, Up Yours, and everywhere in between. If Aesha hates Jo-owie then you know this is not going to end well. For anyone. Once again we have an obligatory beach setup, which really tells me that these packages are pre-sold to “guests” rather than actually solicited by them. If I were to hire an expensive yacht for a couple of days or so, you couldn’t pry me off of it unless you cried “ICEBERG! DEAD AHEAD!” At the dinner: Guest 1: “It’s like an orgasm in my mouth.” Guest 2: “Isn’t that where they usually happen?” Keep it classy, Bravo. Then we’re treated to sex sounds in the guest cabins, and Aesha and Jason shooting whipped cream into their mouths? Yep, nothing but class. Less. The less said about brunch, the better. “When Harry met Margot”. Very cute. But I’m not looking forward to Harry getting his heart broke. As they’re discussing the new stew coming aboard, the whole “bottled lime juice” thing must have really affected Aesha because she mentioned it again. I just think Aesha has missed the point entirely about the whole lime juice thing – it’s not about whether your guests can tell the difference between bottled and fresh squeezed – it’s about the standard you set for 5 star service and whether you’re willing to accept the difference. What will happen next week? Will the tender kill someone? Will “Entertainment Officer” Culver kill Ja-wow in his rivalry with Tzarina? Will Harry meet Margot for evening drinks? Stay tuned, if you can stay on an even keel…