[Episode Discussion: TFGH]

The energy of the show grinds to an absolute halt when the DoD story is at the forefront. Shiloh's such a generic baddie that I can't tell if he is genuinely into Sam and believes she's legit, or if he's on to her game and playing her right back. Frankly, he'd have to be an idiot not to notice how lackluster and underwhelmed she acts when they're together (though she acts in a similar manner with Jason and it's sold as true love, go figure).

I should have known better than to think Cam could escape an awkward sex talk with Franco. He took it like a champ, though. I do think it was an unnecessary set-up just so Liz had reason to be fawning over her amazing husband (is there no middle ground between Liz doting on Franco and Liz being pissed at Franco?).

Half of me is annoyed that Joss and Oscar got to ascribe their own special significance to the bridge, the other half knows it's typical teenage thinking to believe that their love is the be-all, end-all. Unfortunately they're also incredibly tepid, as individuals and as a couple, so all these romantic moments that should be fraught with emotions are instead lacking any punch to make them memorable.

[S09.E12: Do the Dangle]

I was ridiculously embarrassed for Kail at her reaction to Chris coming to her event. Immediately smothering him in hugs, seeking confirmation that he'd stay awhile, inviting him to her hotel room...she was the very definition of DESPERATE. There's no wonder why Chris continues to kick around her. He literally does the bare minimum of showing up and has Kail treating him like a hero and offering easy sex. I do think it's interesting that this was the episode he finally let his face be seen. Maybe the appeal of Kail's hookups is wearing thin and he's trying to parlay his association with her into more "fame" for himself (as much fame as the baby-daddy of an MTV star can get, so, In Touch articles and overzealous followers on Twitter and Instagram).

Poor Stella was NOT HAVING IT with Luis, and I don't blame her. He's about as half-assed as they come, and if he wants his daughter to do anything other than cower at the sight of him, he needs to get it in gear. Stella is beautiful and seems really happy with Briana, Brittany, and Nova, and for as much as the DeJesus women are mocked for being unduly close, I feel good knowing that Stella will be loved even if her piece of shit dad never pulls through.

[Episode Discussion: TFGH]

"Please do not lie to me. I'll be able to smell a lie from a mile away." Oh, Nina, you've seriously got the hubris to say that to VALENTIN of all people?? It's going to be delicious when life finally knocks her on her ass.

With Maxie seemingly waffling on her feelings for Peter and Dante instructing Lulu to live her life without him, I'm very afraid of a potential Lulu/Peter pairing. If they go there, I hope they wait a while, because Lulu should be raw from Dante leaving for some time to come. ER absolutely pales in comparison to JMB, but I thought she did well with her devastation today.

Can Carly just put an ad in The Invader and spare us these "I'm pregnant!" reveals? Lord help me if I have to see Spinelli find out.

Liz handing off the safe sex conversation with Cam to Franco and Franco choosing to immediately punt that ball down the field was hilarious. For once, that was Franco showing some good judgment. They should just let their support beam Drew handle that one, he knows what he's doing.

[Episode Discussion: TFGH]

Really, we're going to send Dante away for deprogramming without even understanding the impetus for the brainwashing? How disappointing. At least this arc allowed us to see DZ act circles around almost everyone else. 

Nina ain't wrong for being pissed at the unprofessional way Willow treated her and being unwilling to start over, but at the same time...shut up, Nina. Even when she's right, she's unbearably cocky. I need the Sasha reveal to happen and SOON to let some of that wind out of her sails.

Drew and Monica were wonderful, as always. How kind of Monica to offer her home and its amenities to make Oscar comfortable in his final days. Plus being at the Q mansion means there's a 100% guarantee that Oscar can spend time with his sister before he dies, which doesn't seem to be a priority on anybody else's mind, ahem, SAM.

[S09.E11: Peace Gathering]

This dull-ass episode came close to accomplishing the impossible: getting me to like Kail for five minutes. Her ability to laugh at Jenelle's ridiculous fire antics was great, and I also liked that while discussing Jenelle's problems and labeling them self-made, Kail acknowledged that the same could be said of her. This reasonable side of Kail is almost someone I can get behind, until I remember how she's ignoring Jo over the child support issue and running hot and cold with Javi. If Kail can maintain her composure when dealing with Jenelle and see the childishness of her behavior, then she ought to be able to recognize the same in her interactions with her exes. As Leah astutely put it, a petty tug-of-war between parents benefits no one; Kail could stand to take notes. These glimpses of her where she's normal and rational make it all the more frustrating that 95% of the time, she's a selfish cow.

[Episode Discussion: TFGH]

I think all these layers to Willow's story are nothing more than a freshly-invented way for the show to integrate her into another story and justify her existence, but still, the actress sold it well today. I also really appreciated Chase's measured response--no judgment, no disbelief, just compassion and a desire to reassure and help.

Dante's scars and his bad dream (poor Lulu, she still has shit luck even in dream form) are already 100% more interesting to me than anything happening with Kristina and DoD. Kristina is such a bad choice to be at the center of everyone's worries, since by my estimation, she's the most consistently awful Corinthos this side of Morgan. Let her rot in DoD for all I care.

Really not seeing how the violent thug hit man can be considered anything more than marginally better than the narcissistic cult leader. Shiloh being an ass gives Jason no right to physically assault him.

[Episode Discussion: TFGH]

Griffin's half-assed departure is a fitting ending for a largely shitty and forgettable character, but I didn't totally hate it. I liked that Ava was able to have the clarity to stop Griffin from hurting Kevin. No matter the pain Griffin caused Ava during their relationship, he undeniably helped get her through one of the worst periods of her life and changed the way she thought and behaved going forward. Ava paying that back by preventing Griffin from engaging in his worst impulses was a nice bit of finality between the characters.

I had completely spaced on the fact that Griffin and Lucas knew each other from med school. The show really took advantage of that connection, huh? I don't want to complain about seeing Lucas, but honestly, it should have been Liz in that scene given her and Griffin's established on-screen friendship.

I got zero fucks to give about the conglomeration of Willow/Shiloh, JaSam, and Brad/Julian/Wiley. There's too many components and the new revelation about Willow and Shiloh and their baby adds nothing, since that baby's dead. I can't believe Wiley's closing in on a year old and we're still so far removed from the truth of his parentage coming to light.

[S09.E10: This Can Go One of Two Ways]

"Devoin might not be the greatest parent in the world, but at least he tries, you know, sometimes." Oh, Briana, GIRL. Is this the benchmark we're using to judge fathers? He tries SOMETIMES? Please want more for your daughter. Please expect more from men. Devoin hanging around now (when MTV cameras are around and free trips to Puerto Rico are involved) is no reason to change Nova's last name. A strong relationship with her dad is more important than her carrying his last name. Devoin being more present for Nova is great, I hope it continues and I hope it's happening for the right reasons, but it's hardly enough justification to confuse Nova by uprooting her identity and her name.

Kail's pathetic crying over Chris was just delicious. Oh, so now she wants a commitment and someone to come home to? Where was that desire for fidelity when she was married to Javi? Javi, for all his faults, loved Kail and their family and would prioritize them over everything else, and Kail was willing to toss that aside to pursue players like Chris. You reap what you sow, Kail; don't blame Chris for being everything you always knew him to be.

[Episode Discussion: TFGH]

Chet is someone I can't manage to remember exists unless he's in my direct field of vision, and today's drop in seemed solely to have Maxie hedge her bets about Peter, which I'm all for. Maxie and Peter have orbited around each other for so long and been positioned as a couple despite only having a smattering of romantic moments, and I'm over it. Move it along, already.

Dare I say it, but Sasha might just be the one woman Michael has chemistry with. Thinking this way didn't stop me from snickering when she bolted for the exit after he said he liked her, though. Michael Corinthos, always Charlie Brown with the football when it comes to love.

Dante is pretty. Sonny is dumb and dull. ("Franco stabbed Lulu," yeah, you're in another country, but you couldn't refresh Twitter before stepping in and fucking up Dante's plan? Keep up.) 

[Episode Discussion: TFGH]

Valentin the all-knowing and all-wise on everything concerning Anna got tired for me a long time ago, and today was no different. Can we not retcon Peter (assuming that's where this is headed) without an extended, needless conversation with Valentin smugging all over the place about how well he knows Anna?

Molly screeching the word "cult" over and over again in the middle of Charlie's had me begging for Julian to wander in and ask her to take her protestations away from his drinks and his avocado toast. Seriously, Molly, choose a better time and place.

"I should go pick up Danny and Scout. I do have kids." The writers are straight-up trolling us now, guys.

Should I be in suspense that Dante will shoot Sonny? Their relationship has already survived one bullet between them, surely it can survive another.

[S06.E10: Gintars]

I spent the whole episode waiting for Charles to have the realization that his role as Nikolaj's father could not be threatened by Nikolaj bonding with another man (be that Gintars, Jake, or anyone else he may be close with), so to have him say he wasn't Nikolaj's "real father" was hugely disappointing. It doesn't matter that Jake corrected him; by allowing Charles to feel inadequate that he's not a biological father, then the show is perpetuating the notion that DNA is what makes a parent a parent. That's a patently false premise belying any understanding of adoptive parents, including Charles' established relationship with Nikokaj (walking him to school, singing him lullabies, etc.), and I can't believe the show dropped the ball by including it at all. 

I didn't like that Jake set up Gintars to be arrested. Actually, what I really didn't like was that Gintars was a criminal at all. The whole depiction of Gintars as the wacky foreigner ('cause anywhere other than America is weird, right?) who's conducting illegal activity and gets booted out of the country was over-exaggerated and lacking sensitivity.

The Amy/Holt pairing was fun (mine that opportunity more often, show) and the Terry stuff was nonsensical yet visually amusing, but none of it was enough to save this episode for me. I guess I just expect more from this show and there wasn't enough good to hide the fact that this week, the show let me down.

[S05.E11 Reevaluation Realness]

I thought Jazz was pretty likeable with her respectful comments to the kids at the support group and her excitement over wearing a bathing suit to the beach, but then it all went to hell when she started whining about moving out. I'm of the opinion that it wouldn't matter if Jeanette and Greg made out a budget for Jazz to let her see just how much of a financial obligation she'd be under. Jazz clearly only lives in the here and now, and right now she has what I'm assuming is a sizeable nest egg from TLC/social media, so the hard numbers of independent living wouldn't mean much to her. Doesn't matter that eventually the show will run its course and the money won't be coming in, doesn't matter that she's got no career path, Jazz is so shortsighted that all she can see is that in the moment she can afford when she wants. At age 18, Jeanette and Greg really can't stop her from picking up and leaving. The one card they can play is that if she leaves, she's not coming back. She's on her own for everything, cell phone, car insurance, college included. If Jazz's so damned sure she can handle the responsibilities of adulthood, then let her, but hold firm on the boundary that they will not be her safety net. She'll figure out the hard way that being an adult entails more than just having money to toss around on whatever you want, whenever you want.

[Episode Discussion: TFGH]

The show glossed over Jason's retelling of the showdown with Ava and Ryan pretty quickly, but I gotta press pause for a moment. "I couldn't let [Ava] die in front of Laura." Um, WTF? So Ava's rescue was conditional on Laura's presence? Is this how Jason is justifying his actions to Carly, who we know would be thrilled if Ava died, or would Jason really have watched a woman fall to her death if there had been no other witnesses? Either way, it's a shitty thing for our supposed "hero" to say. Ava was Ryan's victim just as much as Carly, and whatever Jason might feel for Ava personally, there's no acceptable way he could have NOT saved her. I don't know why the show wouldn't allow him to show some humanity by just saying this outright instead of couching it in terms suggesting he acted out of begrudging obligation.

[Episode Discussion: TFGH]

Oh, Ava...her deep denial transitioning into acceptance and revulsion of the full weight of Ryan's deceit was so perfectly painful. It was every bit as over-the-top as it should have been. Everything Ryan gave her--unconditional love, safety, and the promise of a happy future--has been erased, and even worse, Ava will now bear the guilt of betraying her daughter's memory by unknowingly falling in love with her murderer. Ava failed Kiki in life many times over and has now failed her in death, and the one support system she wants to help her is gone, and was only ever a mirage. She SHOULD scream and sob until her lungs give out under the gravity of these circumstances.

"If you don't want your fiancé on the serial killer suspect list, I suggest you get a fiancé who's not a reformed serial killer." I hope you all could hear me shout "YES, girl!" at this line. 

Jason and Carly, who cares? That's an evergreen statement, but really, ain't nobody got time for their sacred best friend bullshit when there's MW knocking it out of the park to behold.

[Episode Discussion: TFGH]

Today was a great example of why I'm always going to root for Ava and think she could never be on as low a level as Carly.

Carly: remembers Sonny's vile words about Ava and uses them as motivation to save herself.

Ava: worries over Carly's safety and speaks out to help her not because Jason's threatening her, but because she knows it's the right thing to do.

Ava's still human. Yes, she's done terrible things, but she's also grown as a person. She knows right from wrong and cares about that distinction. Carly only cares about herself and about holding herself superior to all others. She runs on vitriol and ego, that's it. I can't believe that in a moment where Carly's hurt and vulnerable and deserving a smidgen of sympathy, the show STILL can't help but have her be awful by leaning in on some good old-fashioned Ava hate.

[Episode Discussion: TFGH]

It makes me mad that Cam's legitimate problems with Franco--his insertion into Liz's family, his preferential treatment of Jake and now Aiden, his sordid past--are likely going to be swept under the rug once Franco's name is cleared. Cam's feelings are valid, regardless of Franco's innocence, and it's Liz who needs to be hearing (and respecting) these thoughts in place of Trina.

Jason was pushing it today with his judgy attitude to Kevin and his threatening of Julian. He should save his outrage for the people who died at Ryan's hands and stop acting like Carly didn't court every bit of her troubles by repeatedly sticking her nose where it didn't belong.

I'd donate a kidney to Jordan if it meant Ryan and Ava could alley-oop Carly into Niagra Falls. Her forced position of prominence as we reach the climax of this story is obnoxious.

[S05.E10: Enemy in the Family]

Jazz's conversation with Ahmir's mother was hard to watch, and I think Jazz's approach to the issue was unsophisticated and lacking. The question "what about me being transgender do you not understand?" is too simplistic and not very helpful. Ahmir's mother (and others like her) understand the concept of being transgender just fine, they just don't recognize it, accept it, or respect it as being valid. That's the problem Jazz will always face: a giant asterisk attached to her identity that labels her as different, as less than, despite all evidence to the contrary. Convincing people like Ahmir's mom to accept her is a tough task, because it's hard to overcome deeply entrenched prejudice. It's hard to rewire a brain to not see gender and biology as either/or, and to see that there are areas where the lines are blurred and that's okay. Jazz has to be firm in the face of her dissenters, acknowledging their feelings without giving up in exasperation, while steadfastly living her truth. Change is not going to happen in one phone call. A constant diligence to the reality that transgender people are legitimate, present, and worthy is the slow road to reshaping ignorance.

[Episode Discussion: TFGH]

Hee, we unlocked action sequence Sonny today! This version was as laughable and unrealistic as it gets, but it was stupid in a fun way. I wish Robert didn't have to hang out with Sonny, but I'll forgive it since they were working on behalf of Dante (and since the alternative to Robert assisting here would probably be Jason, I'm content with Robert).

How fortuitous for Laura and Kevin that they were stashed in their very own escape room, clues and all. I'm going to overlook the plausibility of no employee at Ferncliff ever discovering those clues or the freaking TUNNEL attached to the building and just be happy that Laura and Kevin are getting to rescue themselves.

Ryan mocking the many, many marriages of Carly and Sonny was fantastic. Despite my complaints about this story, I think Ryan himself has been an asset. He's murdered one of my least favorite characters, set up a romance with Ava that's sure to end in fireworks, and been unafraid to call characters on their shit. That makes him more valuable than a lot of other characters I could mention.

[Episode Discussion: TFGH]

We finally get confirmation that Jason is aware of what's going on with Franco, and his only comment is...Carly shouldn't think about such awful things because it's bad for her baby, whose safety is paramount. I want to throw something, y'all.

Continuity problem: Lulu said Deborah Jones and Suzanne Smith were murdered in Texas at the time Ryan was known to live there, yet Suzanne's license that Ryan was holding said it was issued in 2006. I don't why I'm bothered that the show gets the small details wrong when heaven knows they can't get the big details right either, but here I am, complaining anyway.

That brief fantasy of Ryan getting showered with adoration while Felicia sulks on the sidelines was bizarre yet really funny to me. I've enjoyed these intermittent flashes into Ryan's mind, it brings some needed levity to the situation.

[S06.E08: He Said, She Said]

That quick montage of Amy's experiences was such a brilliantly adept way of highlighting the disparities that exist between men and women. The adversity that women face isn't always blatant like sexual harassment in the workplace, though as Amy attested, that's sadly all too common for many women. But being a woman also means being overlooked for a man, because he's inherently viewed as having more authority; it means having to accept comments on your body as compliments even if it makes you uncomfortable; it means working hard to carve out space for yourself to be seen as a person with feelings, and not an object. It's a niggling discomfort that never quite disappears. The world needs more Jakes, who are open to listening, learning, and advocating. It's a sad reality, and as Amy said, she's used to it, but she shouldn't have to be.

[Episode Discussion: TFGH]

Putting aside the grossness of Franco stumbling away with his life and the knowledge of the true killer, I'm so distracted by the missing connections the show is failing to flesh out. Liz mentions Drew's hospitalization with nary a word about Jason (who as Jake's FATHER should really tear himself away from Shiloh and the contents of Carly's womb to check in on the kid). Lulu, girl reporter extraordinaire, isn't even a little suspicious that her protective mother has fallen off the face of the earth. And of course, there's Franco and Jordan's secret plan that no one else knows about, so Franco has no one to turn to for help. Everything's happening in isolation to extend the life of this mess, and not only is it stupid, it's shitty storytelling. A dominant storyline like this should be drawing on relationships between characters and tying them together, not keeping them in a bubble.

They should have quit while they were ahead and wrapped things up around the time of Lulu's stabbing, which was actually entertaining and unexpected. Switching the focus to Franco and making him hit rock bottom so that he can later have the glory of redemption was a big mistake.

[S05.E09: I Want to Meet Your (Transphobic) Mom]

I'm normally pretty forgiving of Jazz's immaturity because I remember all too well what it's like to be a dumb teen, but this is the episode that broke me. She thinks she's entitled to a luxurious, expensive oceanfront home and and the freedom that comes with it, when according to Greg, she can't get herself out of bed in the morning without help or even do her own laundry. If you're 18 and can't set an alarm and instead depend on your mom to wake you, then that's a huge problem, and no, Jazz, that's not Jeanette "imposing a lifestyle" on you. It's a mother trying to make sure her daughter does something with herself, and step one is getting out of the bed and into the real world. I'm so sick of Jazz laying around and only showing ambition for things that she's determined she has to have ASAP, because that's what she wants, dammit (a vagina, a boyfriend, and now her own place). For someone who considers herself an activist, Jazz can be so single-minded to her own desires it kills me.

Ari must have infinite patience to deal with Jazz's strong-arming during that conversation about moving out. Ari knows damn well Jazz wanting to be roomies has nothing to do with her and everything to do with making the move more palatable to her parents, and that Jazz is absolutely not ready for independence, and still Ari listened anyway. Holding firm against Jazz's whims was the best option for Ari AND Jazz, who needs a strong reality check and to be told no more often. At least one of Jeanette and Greg's kids has a level head and isn't prone to the "I want it, and I want it NOW" attitude that's infected Jazz.

[Episode Discussion: TFGH]

Carly's juvenile need for affirmation of her status as Jason's best friend hasn't ever been cute, but it's even worse now that she's firmly into middle age and pregnant yet again. Then she can't stop herself from butting in and baring her teeth at Sam, and Jason just sits there and lets her get away with this nonsense, even when it clearly frustrates Sam. Grow a spine and stop indulging her crap, ffs.

Stella's apology to Jordan was much more touching and sincere than her last minute reversal at the wedding, so it's too bad Jordan was unconscious for it. And someone needs to give Curtis a hug, because he was killing me with his grief today (T.J.? Molly? Where y'all at?)

Kissing in a public place in front of an open door, nice work, amateurs. Can't wait to see the high school theater performance Sam's gonna bust out to cover her ass for this one.

[S06.E07: The Honeypot]

Jake and Holt and their duo of opposites never fails to be entertainment gold. The pairing works so well because when together, they learn and borrow elements of each other's personality to their betterment. Holt, despite initially scoffing at Jake's movie references and acronyms, wouldn't have been able to best Kelly if he hadn't heeded Jake's words. And Jake actually absorbing Holt's barrel lessons and using them to entice Amy was so smart and thoughtful. The recurring parallels between Holt and Amy and how Jake manages his relationship with both is always well done.

I was less enthused with the cleaning and organizing plot. Amy as the arbiter of whose stuff gets BURNED rubbed me the wrong way. She redeemed herself by caring about Terry's reason for holding on to the suspenders and getting him another pair, though, and I guess she wouldn't be Amy Santiago if she didn't attack everything with a savage intensity.

"My two dads, straight smashin' it! Sorry, that came out weird. Title of your sex tape." Hee! I love the references to Holt's private life with Kevin and how he feels comfortable sharing those details with Jake. Jake being so invested in Holt and Kevin's happiness and responding in his dorky Jake way was adorable. He's such a supportive friend, always.

[Episode Discussion: TFGH]

It definitely bothers me a lot that Jason gets all the Scout updates while Drew is managing Liz and her boys. I don't begrudge Drew's friendship with Liz and totally believe Drew is the type of man who would stay close to her kids, but he really needs to have a stronger presence with his daughter. All it would take is Sam switching from "the kids are with Monica," to "Scout's with Drew." I don't like how it feels like Drew's being severed from his daughter and the family image is Sam/Jason/Danny/Scout. And it's way past time for Jason to remember Jake exists, give Drew a reprieve, and check in on Liz in the middle of this Franco debacle.

"I find [Sam] fascinating." Shiloh, I could think of a hundred other adjectives for Sam before I'd ever land on "fascinating." This is a thankless storyline for all involved.

Ryan gets me every time with how thoroughly he sells his devotion to Ava. This is a tragic, twisted love done right, and I'm both sad and eager to see what's going to happen when it finally implodes.