Marvelous Quotes

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Baz: So I'm guessing your husband doesn't like his time slot tonight.
Midge: No, he loves his time slot. He loves any time slot. There's just a tiny problem. Our daughter is sick. Earache, and 1:45 is just so late. I didn't know what to do. I thought-
Susie: Didn't your son have the measles last week?
Midge: What? Uh, yes. Yes, he did.
Susie: And the week before that, your mother had rickets?
Midge: Yes. So painful.
Susie: And last month, your sister-in-law broke her toe. Your brother threw out his back. That's a lot of health issues. Your family might want to eat some fruit.

Imogene: She's going on and on about this miracle treatment she had done in Mexico. It involved goat's milk and avocadoes. They smear it on your face, wrap a hot towel around your head, and stick two straws up your nose. So you can breathe through the straws. Then they put you on a boat and row you out to sea and they drop the anchor, and you sit there for four hours. Then they row you back in and they scrape you down, slap you in the face with old banana skins, charge you $75, and send you home. She thinks she looks 20. I think she looks the same.

Joel: You think this is funny? 
Midge: I think it doesn't matter.
Joel: Going on stage with holes in my shirt like a bum.
Midge: It's downtown. If you have underwear on, you're overdressed.

Archie: Imogene, doesn't that look like Allen Ginsberg?
Joel: Everyone here looks like Allen Ginsberg.

Musician: Now who here likes hillbilly polka?

Janet: This poem is about Spokane. Spokane Spokane. Spokane. Man.

Joel: I'm never going to be a professional comedian, Midge. Never. 
Midge: No, of course not.
Joel: What do you mean, of course not? What do you mean, what do I mean? What did you think all those nights at the club were?
Midge: I thought they were fun. I thought they were our fun couples thing, like how the Morgensterns play golf or how the Meyers ballroom dance or how the Levins pretend they're from Warsaw once a week to get 10% off of that Polish restaurant that does Kielbasa Night. I never knew you were serious about it.
Joel: Of course I was serious, Miriam. What the hell ever made you think I wasn't serious?
Midge: Well, for starters, you were doing someone else's act.

Abe: Life isn't fair. It's hard and cruel. You have to pick your friends as if there's a war going on. You want a husband who'll take a bullet for you, not one who points to the attic and says "They're up there."

Midge: Why did he leave? Why wasn't I enough? And why didn't they put the stage over there against that wall instead of over here by the bathroom so you wouldn't have to listen to every giant bowel movement that takes place in there?

Midge: Do you know I've seen her twice with her shirt on inside out? Penny. Twice. Once, fine. You were rushed in the morning. Twice, you can only be trusted to butter people's corn at the county fair.

Susie: Don't you want to do something no one else can do? Be remembered as something other than a mother or a housewife or member of the Communist Party?
Midge: When did I become a member of the Communist Party?
Susie: The minute you took that flyer.
Midge: What? Shit.

Midge: Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. It's Yom Kippur. I'm supposed to be fasting, atoning for my sins in the eyes of God. 
Susie: So? 
Midge: So I'm eating peanuts.
Susie: You showed your tits to half of Greenwich Village. You think the fucking nuts are what's going to piss him off?

[shapeshifter]

1 hour ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Susie: Don't you want to do something no one else can do? Be remembered as something other than a mother or a housewife or member of the Communist Party?
Midge: When did I become a member of the Communist Party?
Susie: The minute you took that flyer.
Midge: What? Shit.

I'm still sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop with this one—like maybe when

Spoiler

they finish vetting Abe for his new position.

Edited January 16, 2018 by shapeshifter
Spoiler policy politeness

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Joel: I thought you wanted to be a cool chick.
Midge: I can be a cool chick with a doorman and a Kelvinator Foodarama refrigerator, can't I?

Imogene: Joel showed up at our house with this tiny girl suitcase, and he and Archie went into Archie's office and shut the door and all I could hear was "bowling" and "pandas." Did you fight about bowling? 
Midge: No. 
Imogene: Was there a panda?
Midge: No.
Imogene: Well, maybe it wasn't pandas, but it had a "P."
Midge: Joel left me for his secretary.
Imogene: What? 
Midge: Penny Pann. 
Imogene: Pann like panda. 
Midge: Pann like panda. 
Imogene: Oh, my God. His secretary? 
Midge: His idiot secretary.
Imogene: Wouldn't be better if she was smart.
Midge: Actually it would.

Imogene: Hey, stop working so hard. You're starting to look like them. 
Midge: The divorcees? 
Imogene: Do not forget, we do this so we can eat cheesecake. They do this because they need to find new men, or at least look trim for the coroner after they die alone.

Rose: Miriam is Miriam. She wanted to play and run around dressed in black like a Fellini film.

Drina: Do you remember when she wanted to learn to drive?
Rose: Because she found pink driving gloves. Everything with Midge starts with an accessory.

Rose: I should've sent her to Paris. My mother sent me to Paris.
Drina: Paris is wonderful, but it's good Midge didn't go. There was danger for her there.
Rose: Too much bread.

Drina: I see a hammer. 
Rose: Is a hammer good?
Drina: It is if you want to hang a picture.

Susie: You know the last time I was up at 9:30 in the morning? It was the last time I stayed out all night and got home at 9:30 in the morning. That is the last time I was up at 9:30 in the morning.

Midge: I forgot.
Susie: Oh, much better. It is so much better that you just forgot. You know, my fear was that you remembered and chose not to meet me. But now that I know I literally didn't even enter into your - Where the hell are we? What is this, fucking Versailles?
Midge: It's my apartment.
Susie: Your table is set for 30. Who has cutlery for 30? Jesus Christ, what is this, a landing strip? Where is your airplane, in the bathroom? I had no idea you were such an important person. If I had realized that the Queen of England had stood me up, I would have understood. But I just thought you were some drunk housewife who needed my help. I had no idea you were related to fucking Charlemagne. Cause if Catherine the Great had shown up and said, "Hey, let's meet at 10:00," I probably wouldn't have expected her to show up either. But you have to tell people who you are cause if all they have to go on is the fact that you make appointments and then forget about them, they're just gonna think you're a stuck-up twat. It's an easy mistake to make. I almost made that same mistake. But then I saw your dining room was set for Parliament. What is this, a backup place in case you get bored with the other one? What the hell is going on here?

Midge: Would you like some iced tea?
Susie: Hmm. Do I want some iced tea? Let me think. Fuck you. No, I do not want any iced tea. First you stand me up. Then you Bataan Death March me through Buckingham Palace. You make me hold your kid's filthy hand, which means I probably got 14 different kinds of cholera right now.

Susie: Are those two really your children or did we just break in and kidnap a couple kids?

Midge: Why do I have it in my head that it's a thing?
Susie: I don't know, lady. Maybe it's all that royal inbreeding.

Moishe: I heard that name, Penny Pann, and I thought, "Well, that's a stupid name."

Shirley: What, what are those?
Rose: French cheese puffs.
Shirley: French food is salty. Is that on purpose? 
Rose: Probably.
Shirley: Did you know a lot of French women aren't married? Because they're always going topless on their beaches. Men see if for free, they're not gonna propose.

Moishe: You miss the Dodgers? You know, they left because of you, right? They left because you never went to a game, and they said, when the hell is Ethan coming to a game?

Rose: What is that? 
Shirley: Chicken soup.
Rose: Where did that come from?
Shirley: I put it in the freezer last time I was here. Oh, do you have any matzo meal? Never mind, I have some in my purse.

Abe: I am not a violent man, Joel. But if I were, I would take you upstairs to my apartment and throw you out the window. Do you know why I'm not throwing you out this window? 
Joel: No. 
Abe: Because my window is on a higher floor and I want to make sure it sticks.

Joel: Abe 
Abe: No. You do not call me Abe. 
Joel: What do I call you? |
Abe: Nothing. You call me nothing. You don't talk to me or look at me. If you see me on the street, you will cross the street, whether or not there is a crosswalk present. Your pedestrian safety is of no importance to me anymore.

Abe: You swore to me you wouldn't see that crackpot anymore.
Rose: Drina's a friend, and she's very gifted.
Abe: She reads sediment.

Midge: That's Russian, motherfucker!

Midge: God, how did I not know it wasn't our house? How stupid am I? I mean, I never thought to ask, "Hey, in case you leave me for your secretary, what's the situation with our deed?" It's the bras, right? It's the bras. And the the girdles and the corsets, all designed to cut off the circulation to your brain, so you walk around on the verge of passing out, and you look at your husband, and he tells you things, and you just believe them. Like, like when you're a little girl, and people say, "The princess lived in a magic castle for a hundred years. And then a prince climbed up the side, slayed a dragon, kissed her, woke her up, and they lived happily ever after." And you think that's plausible. Couple of details are fuzzy, but sure, I'll buy that. Later, you find out the prince's father owns the castle, the prince's secretary knows shorthand, and Sleeping Beauty's screwed. You've heard about the shorthand girls? These are girls whose skill in life is not writing full sentences. Meanwhile, I went to college to learn Russian. And speaking of vodka, why don't they serve booze here? I need a drink. I need a stiff drink. I need a drink so stiff I could blow it.

Midge: That's the end of my show, folks. Tune in next week, when my grandmother steals my pearls and fucks my boyfriend.

[shapeshifter]

Thank you for these, @ElectricBoogaloo. My short term memory is shot from wearing bras to work all these years. ?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Joel: Joel Maisel. 
Palmer: Palmer Witherspoon. 
Joel: Really?

Vicki: He says "So the cash, now," just like that. You know me, I don't put up with shit, so I grab his knife and- Do I owe you money?
Midge: Sorry.
Vicki: Anyhow, I grab his knife and I thought he'd move. 
Trish: Hey, everyone dies.
Vicki: Worst part was the blood. It was everywhere. On the walls, on the floor. I mean, look at this. He was like a fire hydrant. And I love this top. 
Midge: Salt it. 
Vicki: What?
Midge: The stain. Salt it, then pour boiling water on it till the water runs clear. Stain should be gone.
Vicki: Neat. Thanks. Gonna need a lot of salt everywhere.
Trish: I would listen to her. She looks like she knows what she's talking about.
Vicki: I wonder if she has other tips for, like, bullet holes and stuff.

Rose: Who is this?
Susie: Well, I I told you, ma'am. I'm a friend of Midge's.
Rose: Your name. What's your name?
Susie: Uh, Carol.
Rose: You had to think about it? 
Susie: Janet? 
Rose: Wait. Do you not know who you are? 
Susie: Not at the moment.

Kessler: You start controlling speech, you're slip-sliding toward fascism, and we saw how that turned out.

Midge: My behavior earlier today was irrational, irresponsible and extremely disrespectful. I let my emotions get the better of me. After all, I am a woman.

Joel: Listen, Arch, you know, I'm not gonna be on your couch forever. I promise. 
Archie: What are you talking about? This is great. You're like the pet we never had.

Musician 1: Pounder comes up, saying I was all drunk and belligerent. 
Musician 2: Well, were you?
Musician 1: I wasn't drunk. I was stoned. And we had finished playing for the night.
Musician 2: What's that have to do with it?
Musician 1: I wasn't belligerent during the set.
Musician 2: Nah, you were just missing notes during the set. 
Lenny: Yeah, but it's jazz. Who can tell when you're missing the notes?

Midge: Is this a marijuana joint? Oh, that smell. My college roommate's sock drawer smelled like this. I thought it was some Eastern European potpourri.

Midge: Women are supposed to be mothers. It's supposed to be natural. It comes with the tits, right? The equipment is pre-installed.

Midge: Is Lenny Bruce boring at home? Like, at home is he all, "Have you seen my red socks?" And then he comes on stage and he's all, "I'm gonna put a little airplane glue on a rag and fuck, shit, cock, prick."

Concierge: Guests have to sign in.
Susie: Then I will do that.
Concierge: And your name is?
Susie: Chuckle Frankenburg.

Midge: My husband left me. 
Lenny: Oh, shit. 
Midge: Yeah. It's, uh -
Lenny: Uh-oh, you need me to be understanding or something? I can pretend to do that.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Abe: Miriam, does your son not understand the word "therefore"? I feel like that's where I lost him.

Abe: I want you to talk to Miriam.
Rose: About what?
Abe: Her son eats with his mouth open. It needs to stop.
Rose: He's three.
Abe: When I was three, I could resole a shoe.
Rose: I'm not sure that's a direct comparison.

Susie: What do you think? They deserve a slot? 
Jackie: I don't like three guitars.
Susie: Goddamn it, Jackie. You have got to widen your basis for criticism. Is it good music? Are they entertaining? That's how you judge shit like this.
Jackie: Hey, I told you when I started working here, I didn't like music.
Susie: Look, I'm gonna be branching out in my life. I need somebody to pick up the slack around here. You have got to develop some taste. Now look up there and tell me what you think. 
Jackie: I like dog acts.
Susie: Oh, fuck off, Jackie.

Susie: We don't even really know who you are yet. What kind of comic are you? Are you a planter or a stalker?
Midge: Stalker.
Susie: Will you tell one-liners, stream of consciousness? 
Midge: Stream of consciousness. 
Susie: Personal? Political?
Midge: Personal tinged by political.
Susie: Okay. Well, I guess we do know who you are.

Midge: Here. I brought this.
Susie: No. I don't want to read your diary.
Midge: It's not my diary.
Susie: I don't care what your first time felt like.
Midge: It's not my diary. It's a notebook I write thoughts down in.
Susie: That's a fucking diary. 
Midge: No, it's not. 
Susie: I don't want to read the word "ponies" over and over and over.
Midge: I write down thoughts for jokes.
Susie: "Oh, I do wish Mitzi Gaynor was my very best friend. "
Midge: Just read, please.
Susie: Okay. Well, there are thoughts here. I do, however, see Mitzi Gaynor is mentioned.
Midge: Well, come on, she's adorable.

Susie: How to use a mic - mics can be very tricky. You ever here of Joe E. Lewis? 
Midge: Of course.
Susie: They say mobsters cut his face cause he didn't want to do a club date? Nope. Tripped on a mic cord. Thirty percent of all comics die from cord-related injuries. 
Midge: That's not true. 
Susie: Well, it's up there.

Midge: I don't want to use my real name.
Susie: Why not?
Midge: Because I don't want people to know I'm talking about me. I want them to think I'm talking about Tula Raine.
Susie: That's a stripper name. 
Midge: What about Lotte McAllister? 
Susie: That's an Irish stripper name. Use your real one. 
Midge: No. Miriam Maisel's a person.  Anya Morgenstern -
Susie: Is my cleaning lady.

Midge: Oh, I love this store. It's got texture. My father's study kind of smells like this.
Susie: Like an armpit smoked a cigarette?
Midge: Oh, this is the cutest thing ever. Bing Crosby Sings Mother Goose. I had such a thing for Bing Crosby when I was little.
Susie: Really? He's so oily looking, like if you got on top of him, you'd slide right off.
Midge: Never watching White Christmas again.

Susie: These guys have never spoken to a viable mate before. Virgil, Oz, meet Midge.
Midge: Nice to meet you, fellas.
[silence from Virgil and Oz]
Susie: Mmm, pretty sure that's the sound of two guys spontaneously ejaculating.

Midge: You know, I read in the paper that Senator Kennedy is gonna run for president.
Abe: That pretty boy?
Midge: Just because he's attractive doesn't mean he's unqualified.
Abe: Of course it does. To be truly effective, you must be ugly.
Midge: That's ridiculous.
Abe: Look at all the great thinkers of our time, the great men. 
Midge: The great women. 
Abe: Especially the women. They are all to a tee extremely unpleasant to look at.
Midge: I think Senator Kennedy's brilliant.
Abe: Of course you do. And when did you start to read the paper?
Midge: I read the paper. 
Abe: Yeah, only the shoe ads.
Midge: You don't like Kennedy because he's wealthy. 
Abe: Shady money.
Midge: So you hate him because of his father.
Abe: His father is a terrible man. - an anti-Semite, an isolationist. -
Rose: Why are you doing this? 
Midge: Doing what?
Rose: You're baiting your father. 
Midge: I'm not. He shares his opinion, I share mine.
Rose: Well, don't do that. Just let him win.
Midge: So, if you don't like Kennedy, who do you want for president, Nixon?
Abe: Oh, my God. When Richard Milhous Nixon becomes president, we move to France.
Rose: I would love to move to France.
Abe: We're not moving to France.

Midge: Hey, what's going on?
Janet: Shh, Jane's speaking. 
Midge: Jane who? 
Janet: Jane Jacobs.
Midge: Yes. Uh, who is Jane Jacobs? 
Janet: You've never heard of Jane Jacobs? 
Midge: No. 
Janet: Where have you been? 
Midge: The Upper West Side.

Midge: So, your apartment. It's nice, it's really nice. 
Penny: Thank you. 
Midge: In fact, it looks an awful lot like our place. The building, the hallway, the old man in the elevator. And isn't that the couch I wanted to buy but you said was too deep? 
Joel: I don't remember what couch you -
Midge: You know, it's funny, I thought I'd find you squatting in some downtown, smoke-filled atelier, not two blocks away, living the Methodist version of our life with the Methodist version of me. Does she have an "on" switch? You know what's funny? I don't have my apartment anymore. You have my apartment. You have a lot of my things, actually.You're welcome.
[timer dings] 
Midge: Dinner? 
Penny: Yes. 
Midge: What?
Penny: Pot roast.
Midge: The Methodist version of brisket.
Joel: Boy, do you know how to make an entrance.
Midge: So is this what you were missing, Joel? Pot roast and Santa Claus?
Joel: I don't want to talk about this here.
Midge: Should we get lunch somewhere? Is there a mayonnaise and Wonder Bread cafe opening up somewhere we could try?
Joel: I was gonna come pick him up. I was gonna come to you so that you wouldn't have to come here.
Midge: You are a prince, a real prince. I hope Penny knows what a prince you are.
Joel: I don't understand you, Midge.
Midge: You don't understand me? Me? Me?
Joel: I said I'd come back, remember? I came to you and I said let's try again. You said no.
Midge: Oh, no, uh-uh. You don't get to rewrite this. You're the one who left. Not me. I'm the good guy, you're the bad guy.

Joel: I want my notebook.
Midge: What notebook? 
Joel: My comedy notebook.
Midge: You mean MY comedy notebook.
Joel: It was about me.
Midge: Everything's about you.
Joel: I want it.
Midge: Why? You quit, remember?
Joel: I might try again. You don't know. It's mine, I want it.
Midge: Well, I don't know where it is, but even if I did, as long as you have Bob Newhart's album, you'll be fine.

Midge: You said you didn't want our life. But this is our life. You didn't go somewhere exotic or different, you went across the fucking street.

Susie: Well, that's a smell. First stop of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Now, this shithole is kind of an off-the-grid place. Established comics do not come here unless they're trying out material they want no one to see. Bookers do not come here. You will never see Jack Paar represented here in any way, shape or form.
Midge: My father will be very relieved.
Susie What are you doing?
Midge: Taking notes. Research.
Susie: You gonna write everything down?
Midge: Everything I think is pertinent or interesting, or could be pertinent or interesting.
Susie: So the answer's yes.
Midge: "No Jack Paar in this shithole." What's this place called?
Susie: "This shithole." 
Midge: You're kidding.
Susie: Well, not officially, but by anyone who's been here.

Susie: I appreciate this, Lanie. 
Lanie: Appreciate nothing. We have a deal.
Susie: Well, appreciation's a valuable commodity these days.
Lanie: You promised me a prime spot at the Gaslight for two weeks if I got you in here. You promised.
Susie: I know. I just- You're so terrible.
Lanie: That doesn't matter.
Susie: You really, you have no talent at all.
Lanie: I didn't ask for your opinion on my singing.
Susie: Oh, you're a singer? See, I just thought you had your sack caught in your zipper.

Midge: My brother's brilliant, just like my father. I'm so proud of him. He's working for the military now, developing a sonar machine that can talk to whales to tell them to get out of the way of boats.
Susie: Is that really what your brother told you he does? IInvents a whale-saving machine?
Midge: Yes. Why?
Susie: That's cute.

Midge: You know I made the cheerleading squad but quit because my mother feared the bouncing would shorten the shelf life of my breasts.
Susie: Yeah, your mother's nuts. You got to use her.

Susie: You want your fries?
Midge: Yes.
Susie: Fine. Though you haven't had a freaking fry in, like, the last three minutes.
Midge: Only if you tell me something about your family.
Susie: What am I, a trained seal?
Midge: I'd like to be friends.
Susie: Yeah, and I'd like to eat at Peter Luger's every night, but life's a bitch.

Susie: My brother's an asshole. My other brother's an asshole. My sister's okay, but she's married to an asshole. My mother washes sheets fourteen hours a day. Once a year, she gets drunk and tells us about the time she came in third in the Miss Rockaway pageant, and then sings Danny Boy, which is what she did for the talent portion. And you realize just how great-looking she must've been if they actually gave her anything after that racket. And then she passes out, pisses herself, and doesn't speak to anyone for the next three weeks.
Midge: And your dad?
Susie: Oh, he's fine. Yeah, he's a trader at E.F. Hutton. He just bought a boat. 
Midge: Really?
Susie: No. Haven't seen the man for fifteen years. He's a total and complete asshole.

Abe: It's two o'clock in the morning. Don't you wear a watch?
Midge: Not with this outfit.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

HR guy: We screen [the Santa applicants] fresh every year. Make sure they're still plump, still personable, still sober.

Abe: Listen, I have a faculty meeting this morning, and Zed Lieberman will drone on and on again, repetitiously, unendingly. Do you understand? 
Zelda: Zed Lieberman is boring.

Abe: You got a job? 
Midge: Yes. 
Abe: You have no resume. 
Midge: They hired me anyway. 
Abe: Do you know how to type? 
Midge: I don't need to.
Abe: I told you to study something practical in college.
Midge: I remember that.
Abe: Russian literature was not that thing.
Midge: I know. 
Abe: And it's five days a week?
Midge: Yes.
Abe: If it rains, you still have to go in.
Midge: I figured. 
Abe: And you know how to get there? 
Midge: By multiple routes.
Abe: And they're paying you? 
Midge: Yes. 
Abe: In money? 
Midge: Yes.
Abe: By check? 
Midge: Every two weeks. 
Abe: You'll need a bank account. 
Midge: I have a bank account.
Abe: Checking and savings?
Midge: Yep.

Midge: I got you something.
Rose: You never have to get me anything.
Midge: I wanted to get you something.
Rose: What is that?
Midge: It's lipstick. I thought you'd like it.
Rose: Where did you get it?
Midge: My job. At the makeup counter. At work.
Rose: Oh, yes, that.
Midge: It went well, my first day.
Rose: Hmm.
Midge: It's a brand new color. It's not officially released till the end of the week.
Rose: So I'm a guinea pig.
Midge: No. You're the first woman in New York to have it. And it's pretty, and I thought of you.
Rose: Yeah, you don't like what I wear now.
Midge: No, I like it a lot. I think it looks nice.
Rose: So do I. This smells funny. But thank you. 
Midge: You are very welcome.

Midge: Shit. I've only done this drunk or stoned. What-what if that's the only reason I was funny? Like, I can't get loaded every time I come on stage.
Susie: You never met a comic?

Joel: Sal, we sold plastic stuff to people that don't actually need plastic stuff. See, that's what salesmanship is, Sally. Selling things to people that they don't want. It's kind of our calling.

Shirley: We should take a cruise. Everyone should go on a cruise. Except Joel. He gets tummy sick.
Joel: One time.
Shirley: And it wasn't even on a cruise ship. It was on the Staten Island Ferry to visit his cousins in Bulls Head.
Joel: Ma, this is a story you should not tell.
Penny: I want to hear it.
Shirley: He threw up. That's the story.
Joel: Great story.

Mary: Vivian's drunk. 
Vivian: I'm not a drunk.
Mary: I didn't say you were a drunk. I said you were drunk. Honey, you have two cups. What's up with that?
Vivian: I poured myself a vodka and I forgot, and I poured a gin. Guess I could mix 'em.
Mary: Oh, Vivian, no, no, no, no, no. You will thank me in the morning.
Midge: She's not gonna be thanking anyone in the morning.. I'll keep Vivian close tonight. 
Vivian: I'm not a child.
Midge: Hey, we've all done this. I once mixed tequila, absinthe and red wine. Came out pink. I'd never puked my favorite color before.
Mary: I don't even much like the taste of alcohol.
Midge: Oh, me either. But I like being tipsy. I mean, I wish there was a pill I guess there is. It's called pills.

Mary: What happened to all the guys?
Midge: They're clustered in a corner. Why do they do that? Why do they cluster like that? Because we intimidate them or because they're finally admitting they don't know anything about cars? Lots of tears and catharsis over that. Or maybe they're just hoping to start a really easily-winnable game of tug-of-war. Or it's just a bunch of guys who didn't make their high school team talking about how Mickey Mantle can improve his swing.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Midge: The one that got away. The biggest heartache of my life was not my husband and the father of my children leaving me. It was never being able to truly land Manniford McClaine. Yes, that was his real name, and he was fabulous. He was the captain of my high school football team. He was the leader of the pack. He had a jawline you could stab your sister with. He was so gorgeous that after years of having my mother tell me, "Your virtue is a garden, keep it watered, but behind a fence." I bring him over for dinner, she takes one look at him, and suddenly it's like, "You know what? It's not a high fence. Just hop on over. Here, step on my hands, I'll give you a boost." We almost went to prom together. As friends, but still. Then his old girlfriend, Satan, moved back from Rhode Island and they got back together, got married, had four kids and bought a waterfront mansion in Oyster Bay. Anyhow, the other day I picked up a newspaper and there on the front page is a headline: "Wall Street golden boy, Manniford McClaine, caught with head of wife in trunk of car." That's right. Manniford murdered his wife, then drove around with her head for an hour before getting caught. I couldn't believe it. It had to be some other Manniford McClaine. But there he was, in the paper, handcuffed, being perp-walked into the station. And I just thought, "My God, he still looks fantastic." No, I mean it, better looking than high school. I know, my first thought should've been, "Dodged that bullet." Instead it was, "I don't know, he's single, I'm single. If he beats this thing..."

Vivian: You can't have Randall. I'm in love with him.
Midge: He's your cousin, Vivian.
Vivian: Twice removed.
Midge: Let's talk, sweetie.

Customer: [My daughter]'s been very outspoken since she went to Radcliffe.

Susie: So this is where you hang out now?
Midge: Well, you know I never like to be more than three feet from a lipstick.
Susie: I do.
Midge: It's a good job. The girls are really nice. And there's a vending machine in the employee break room that's broken, so if you hit it just right, free Abba-Zabas.
Susie: You are living the dream.

Vivian: Midge, I think I'm in love. 
Midge: Not again. 
Vivian: Come see him, tell me if I'm crazy. He's my dad's boss. He's 70. And deaf and married, but keep an open mind.

Rose: [Midge] doesn't understand. Being a divorcée is terrible, yes, but being on your second marriage is-
Drina: Worse. 
Rose: So much worse. Second marriage says failure. At least divorcée sounds continental. It'd be better if Joel had died. Then she'd be a widow. At least there's dignity in that.

Lew: Food's on me. Keep it under a thousand bucks. It's been a pleasure.
Randall: He's picking up our tab.
Midge: Excellent. Next time, let's meet in the shoe department at Saks.

Susie: Miriam, he just sold you some line cause he wants to get in your pants.
Midge: He does not want to get in my pants.
Susie: He wants to fuck you.
Midge: He wants me to work with him. He says we'll be like Nichols and May. Nichols and May don't fuck.
Susie: Nichols and May totally fuck. 
Midge: That's not what he says. 
Susie: I walked in on them once in the bathroom here. Even their fucking was hilarious.

Abe: I can't find my cuff links.
Midge: Did you check your cuffs, Papa?
Abe: These are my Gimbels cuff links, my everyday cuff links. I need my Finchley cuff links. 
Rose: Abe, you look fabulous without them.
Abe: It's a Finchley night. I'm gonna check the kids' room.
Midge: The kids do not have your Finchley cuff links.
Abe: I had cuff links, your kids moved in, I don't have cuff links. Draw a conclusion. 

Astrid: I'm barren.
Midge: Astrid, you're young.
Astrid: No, I'm not. I'm 30. We're seeing the fertility doctor again tomorrow. He's one of the pioneers in cervical cap inseminations.
Midge: Well, everyone looks good in a cap.
Astrid: I'm almost too afraid to go. I mean, what if it doesn't work this time? What methods did you and Joel use to get pregnant?
Midge: Well, sex.
Astid: Yeah, that seems to work for most people.

Noah: I still can't believe you and Joel split.
Midge: Wasn't my plan, believe me.
Noah: It's so disappointing. I really liked the guy. God, and that girl he was with. When I saw that, I thought, "I should hit him." And I would've. But then I remembered once we were joking around, and I sort of fake-punched his arm Broke my pinkie. He didn't look that big, but his arm was like a brick wall. 
Midge: Yeah, he had strong arms. 
Noah: It was humiliating. The next day at work I had to make up a story about being mugged in the park. 
Midge: You never told me any of this.
Noah: Well it wasn't my most manly anecdote. I sure hate that he hurt you, boy.
Midge: Thanks.
Noah: Make sure the next guy you get involved with has very weak upper body strength.

Lew: How did you get in here?
Susie: Are you kidding me? The entire William Morris Agency goes to lunch from 1:00 to 2:00. Agents, secretaries, security, the janitor. I could've done naked cartwheels down the corridor and no one would have stopped me. What is it with you people and lunch? Don't any of you eat breakfast?

Lew: I'm calling security.
Susie: Oh, forget it, Lew. I cut the lines.
Lew: You what?
Susie: I didn't cut the lines. I just wanted to sound like I was in a Bogart picture for a second. It was kind of cool.

Midge: Babka. 
Susie: Bourbon. 
Midge: Oh, I like that combination.

Midge: If you're gonna be a personal manager, then sometimes you're gonna have to deal with the personal. And this is personal. All of this. And it's not just deals and lectures. Sometimes you're gonna have to buy some Kleenex and let me cry and pat me on the back, and say, "There, there." 
Susie: Okay, that's not really my-
Midge: You're gonna have to listen to me talk about my husband and my kids.
Susie: Both of them? 
Midge: Yes, both of them.

Edited February 15, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Midge: Let's kick some big-time comedy ass across all five boroughs!
Susie: I'm making some calls tonight. And when I say five boroughs I don't mean Staten Island or Queens. Or the Bronx. Not so much Brooklyn. Just Manhattan.

Shirley: I'm doing a load of whites. Give me everything you got. All your poo-poo undies.

Imogene: we'd better figure out who knows what, compare stories. -
Midge: Stories?
Imogene: The stories you've each been telling people about your situation. I've completely lost track. And I have no idea what you've been telling people. The Murphys - do they know all?
Midge: I'm not sure. I lied to some people at first, then started telling people that we were separated but trying to work it out.
Imogene: The Turners?
Midge: Think that Joel is on a business trip in Poland. The Rivingtons? 
Imogene: Know that you're separated and know that Joel moved out. Someone got to them before me. But they don't know that Joel's living with Penny.
Midge: He's not living with Penny anymore.
Imogene: What? Since when?
Midge: Joel's secretary called. Gave me a new home number for him. It was his parents'.
Imogene: What happened?
Midge: I don't know.
Imogene: Wow. As the world turns. So, who else? Uh, the Gertzs. Midge: Think that Joel is on a very long business trip but suspect more. 
Imogene: The Salings?
Midge: Think that we are renovating the apartment and that Joel is traveling for work.

Harry: I'm not going to the Gaslight. 
Susie: Why not?
Harry: I don't go downtown anymore.
Susie: You cut your teeth haunting dives downtown.
Harry: I got nice suits now.
Susie: Why you wearing this one?

Abe: Is this dinner, Rose?
Rose: It's dinner for Mordecai Glickman. I wasn't aware you were bringing home someone with teeth.
Abe: Well, David, would you like a drink? We have peppermint schnapps. Rose, why is there just peppermint schnapps?
Rose: It's what Professor Glickman drinks. I hope you like applesauce and peach slices, Mr. Blumenthal. 
David: I like whatever you're serving. 
Rose: Good, because that's what we're serving: Applesauce and peach slices and mashed potatoes and consommé and hard-boiled eggs and pureed cauliflower and pudding for dessert. Your teeth will wonder what they're there for.

Midge: Is this a set-up? 
Rose: Of course it's a set-up.
Midge: Why is he doing this? Why is he trying to set me up with some guy?
Rose: Your father's nothing but a common souteneur. 
Midge: A what? 
Rose: A pimp. Your father's a pimp. 
Midge: He's not a pimp.
Rose: He's trying to breed you, like a prize mare.

Midge: Aaron Copland wrote your doorbell?
Sophie: It's something he does. Aaron writes doorbells for all his friends.

Sophie: The bread for the finger sandwiches is from Provence. The macaroons are French, too. Clotted cream is from London, of course, and the scones.
Midge: I would never eat a domestic scone.

Sophie: My goodness, you're so pretty. Why comedy? Can't you sing?
Midge: Nope.

Sophie: Honey, you give a downtowner a swig of gin, and he'll laugh at a sponge. The mainstreamers, the people from Pacoima, the people who buy the dish soap and the dog food, who pay for the Modigliani's - they want a character.
Midge: But Bob Hope doesn't have a character. Lenny Bruce doesn't have a character.
Sophie: They have dicks. Do you have a dick?
Midge: Not last time I checked.
Sophie: Darling, look at you. I mean, really Men don't want to laugh at you. They want to fuck you. You can't go up there and be a woman.

Rose: Don't shh me! Don't you ever shh me! Tell me where you got the fur coat! What? Marshall Field? The label says Marshall Field. That's in Chicago. When were you in Chicago?

Midge: Fat Sophie Lennon. Right? "Put that on your plate!" Well, guess what? It's a fucking fat suit. And there is nothing on her plate. I ate with her. All she did was suck a lemon down to the rind, and when I had the audacity to take a bite of a cookie, she made me feel like I'd splashed her with a cup of syphilis. You know, she gave me a piece of advice right there in the Blue Room. She told me that no one would find me funny unless I do some big, whackadoodle character, or have a dick. Sophie Lennon! Really? You're gonna sit in your million-dollar townhouse, on some chair that's historical because the Mad King George got the trots on it, and tell me that men won't think I'm funny because I don't look like a dump truck? Why do women have to pretend to be something that they're not? Why do we have to pretend to be stupid when we're not stupid? Why do we have to pretend to be helpless when we're not helpless? Why do we have to pretend to be sorry when we have nothing to be sorry about? Why do we have to pretend we're not hungry when we're hungry? Fuck you, Sophie! Put that on your plate!

[shapeshifter]

10 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Rose: It's what Professor Glickman drinks. I hope you like applesauce and peach slices, Mr. Blumenthal. 
David: I like whatever you're serving. 
Rose: Good, because that's what we're serving: Applesauce and peach slices and mashed potatoes and consommé and hard-boiled eggs and pureed cauliflower and pudding for dessert. Your teeth will wonder what they're there for

Either Rose contributed to Midge's funny genes, or A S-P just couldn't resist that line.

Thanks for posting the text of Midge's Shophie rant from The Gaslight, @ElectricBoogaloo, reading it helps me grasp the early feminist levels of frustration that led to the tirade.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Midge: Who invited [the press]? 
Susie: I did. 
Midge: Why?
Susie: Cause I had no idea it was seppuku night at the Gaslight. "In a vicious, often hilarious, career-ending ten minutes, you wonder, did Lennon steal Gleason's boyfriend?" The Daily News.
Midge: Well, he said hilarious.
Susie: Did you hear all the other words around hilarious? 
Midge: I did, but still.

Imogene: So I was thinking that Ethan and Estelle could get married at the boathouse in Central Park.
Midge: Oh, Imogene, we need to get you in a bowling league. 
Imogene: Hi, Joel.
Joel: Are you psychologically scarring our children?
Imogene: I am. But, since they're going to get married, they will have suffered the same trauma and will understand each other's nightmares completely.

Joel: There any beer in the fridge?
Midge: Look in the back. Mama doesn't like to look at beer. It makes her think of venereal disease.

Joel: The party seemed successful.
Midge: Only one kid shoved an acorn up his nose. 
Joel: Mendel? 
Midge: Yep. 
Joel: Well, when you got a talent.

Midge: Can I ask you something?
Joel: You can ask me anything.
Midge: Why are you still wearing your wedding ring? 
Joel: I'm still married.
Midge: You were living with Penny.
Joel: No, I'm not with Penny. That's over.
Midge: Well, you were. I never saw you without the ring.
Joel: I never thought about taking it off. Never even occurred to me.
Midge: That doesn't make sense.
Joel: Yeah. Nothing I've done has made any sense.

Midge: Joel, there's something I have to tell you. 
Joel: No. I don't care. 
Midge: You don't know what it is. 
Joel: I don't care what it is. But it's If it's bad, I deserve it. I had it coming. It doesn't matter. Just let me kiss you again.
Midge: This is really important.
Joel: Okay.
Midge: The whole time that we were together And I mean dating and married, I'd unhook every other hook on my bra before we had sex. 
Joel: You what? 
Midge: Before we'd have sex, I'd go into the bathroom and I'd unhook every other hook on my bra. And I didn't know tonight was gonna happen, so I didn't have a chance to do that. 
Joel: Are you serious? 
Midge: Yes. 
Joel: You would unhook your own bra? 
Midge: Partly. Just to give you a head start. 
Joel: What did you think was gonna happen? What? If I had to unhook the whole thing all by myself. What'd you think was gonna happen? You think I was gonna get bored? 
Midge: I don't know. 
Joel: You think halfway through I'd lose interest and go make a sandwich? 
Midge: Maybe.

Joel: You know the last time we were in this bed was the week before our wedding. I remember laying here thinking, "In one week, I'll be married to Miriam Weissman the most beautiful girl in the world. And I'll have a wife, and we'll have our own home, and we'll have two kids, and I'll never, ever have to have sex in front of the Dionne quintuplets again."
Midge: Best-laid plans.
Joel: And now here we are. You're back in your parents' house, I'm back in mine. Very strange.
Midge: I've got a curfew. 
Joel: You're kidding. 
Midge: And chores. 
Joel: Wow.

Joel: I fell in love with you the moment I asked you out, and you said no. The first time I laid eyes on you, that was it for me.
Midge: Until you left.
Joel: I never left. I don't know what I did, but I never really left.
Midge: Sure felt like you left.

Midge: Coffee sure smells good, huh? 
Abe: Smells like coffee.

Vivian: I think the snow is good luck.
Mary: Depends on how far you have to walk.

Jackie: What do you do?
Woman: Spoken word with tambourine.
Jackie: Your parents must be thrilled.

Penny: I have been all over town looking for you. 
Midge: Penny, I'm working right now. 
Penny: Oh, I know. I know you're working because Joel said you worked in a department store. He just didn't say which one. So I went to all of them. I went to Saks. I went to Bergdorf's. I went to Macy's. I went to Gimbels. They're across the street from each other, so that was easy. I went to Lord & Taylor's. I went to Bendel's, even though I thought, "She wouldn't shop at Bendel's," but it's not really about where you would shop, is it? 
Midge: Not really.

Abe: If I come home and she's moved me into the kids' room, I'll have to kill you. 
Midge: I understand.
Abe: I'll feel bad about it, but it will happen.

Susie: Hey, Lenny. 
Lenny: It's you?
Susie: I'm sorry. They wouldn't let me in without paying.
Lenny: Yes, that's how a business usually operates.
Susie: Look, I had to talk to you.
Lenny: Don't you ever send a message to anyone saying, "Your drug dealer is outside." That could go wrong in so many ways.

Susie: Have you heard about this? 
Lenny: What? Sophie Lennon? Yes, yes, I heard. I rejoiced. Sophie Lennon's a hack. Plus, she owes me money. I wrote some jokes for her. Never paid me. Good jokes, too, but she said her audience doesn't know the word cunnilingus.

Midge: How did you do this?
Susie: Lots of perverted sex acts. I'll have skinned knees for a month.

Midge: Was it really fair to lure Joel back with the promise of coherent conversation and unlimited clean jockey shorts?

Joel: You got her into this, right? Got her to go up there like that? Got her to stand up there and talk about our life, talk about me. 
Susie: Hey, she says what she wants. She must just find you amusing. I know I find you completely ridiculous.
Joel: You don't give a shit what you're doing.
Susie: I'm not doing anything.
Joel: You're breaking up a family! That's the mother of my children up there talking trash about me in front of a bunch of strangers.
Susie: Well, you got to admit, it's better than her talking trash about you in front of a bunch of people you know.
Joel: Are you happy? Are you happy that you've ruined my life?
Susie: Hey, I didn't fuck my secretary. That was you!

Joel: You don't know anything about me.
Susie: Oh, buddy, I know so much more than you think. You are ripped right out of a bullshit male catalogue.

Susie: Midge has a path now, a career. And she's gonna be a star and you are just gonna be that guy sitting at some loser bar every night pointing to the television set saying, "I used to be married to her, but I fucking blew it!"

Man: Hey, go home and clean the kitchen!
Midge: Oh, sir, I'm Jewish. I pay people to do that.
Man: Women aren't funny.
Midge: Your wife must have a sense of humor. She's seen you naked. I'm sorry. I thought we were truth telling.
Man: You're a dumb bitch. 
Midge: Oh, who told you? What can I say? All the good men are taken, ladies.

Edited February 18, 2018 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Susie: We have got to work on this lateness thing.
Midge: I was not that late.
Susie: We were supposed to be here at 12:00. 
Midge: It's 12:30. 
Susie: Now you're getting it. 
Midge: I'm not on first. 
Susie: That's not the point.
Midge: If they call my name and I'm there, then I am not late. 
Susie: Yeah, that's not how lateness works. There's a clock involved.

Mitchell: You're late. This is the army. You're not supposed to be late in the army. 
Midge: I'll remember not to enlist.

Mitchell: Wave, smile, and exit the other side of the stage.
Midge: Can I smile, wave instead of wave, smile? 
Mitchell: You cannot.

Susie: So rule number one for this performance?
Midge: Don't say "fuck."
Susie: Rule number two for this performance?
Midge: Do not say "fuck."
Susie: And no dick jokes. Army guys are sensitive about dick jokes. That's why they're in the army.
Midge: How about big dick jokes?
Susie: What do you mean, big dick jokes?
Midge: You know, what do leprechauns and guys with big dicks have in common? They're hard to find and incredibly lucky. Or his dick was so big, the mohel had to bring a machete. Or his dick was bigger than Disneyland - better rides, too. Or his dick was so big, it wasn't a dick at all. It was a Richard. His dick was so big, even when he cheated on me, his dick was the bigger dick.
Susie: ...
Midge: So no dick jokes.

Fred: Murray Bringle made $300 to open for Lenny Fring. 
Susie: Who's Murray Bringle? 
Fred: I don't know. 
Susie: Who's Lenny Fring? 
Fred: I don't know.
Kenny: Tell her if she wants to be taken seriously, she needs a weird ask.
Fred: Yes. You need a weird ask.
Susie; What do you mean I need a weird ass?
Fred: A weird ask. Something in your contract that's specifically weird only to you. Like, uh, all the pillows in your room have to have a cat design on them. 
Susie: I'm not going to do that. 
Fred: You have to. They'll never take you seriously if you don't.
Susie: Well, how weird does it have to be?
Fred: Gleason needs two bottles of Old Forester Bourbon, a well-done steak, and a Polaroid of what the steak looked like before it was cooked.
Kenny: George Burns has fresh flowers, Cuban cigars, six pairs of socks, and a bowl of butter pats. Lenny Fring had to have cheesecloth, a length of rope, and a copy of Gray's Anatomy.
Fred: Wow. Now I really want to know this Lenny Fring.

Susie: We have to come up with something weird. Like, you need baby goats in your dressing room or all your hand towels have to be from Windsor Castle.
Midge: Oh, can we get that? I would love that.

Army guy: Have you ever thought about joining up?
Susie: Me? Oh, uh, no. 
Army guy: Strong young man like yourself. 
Susie: I'm not that young.

Sophie: The last time I had to track someone down was to tell Desi Arnaz he gave me the clap.
Susie: I'm sorry - about this and the clap.
Sophie: The clap was worth it. This was not.

Rose: You really think we live like this on your salary? You really think that Miriam has all those fabulous clothes because you were a professor at Columbia? The vacations, the dinners, the cocktail parties  - you think all that exists because you taught eight hyper-intelligent, emotionally retarded eunuchs to draw symbols on a chalkboard?
Abe: I think you're oversimplifying my classes.
Rose: Do you know one other professor who lives the way we do? 
Abe: Milk is 49 cents a gallon? 
Rose: Not one. They all have drab clothes and gray skin and they die young.
Abe: You're telling me that you paid for all of these things  out of your trust fund? 
Rose: Yes.
Abe: You told me that trust fund was just there to buy me birthday presents.
Rose: Well, happy fucking birthday, Abe.

Rose: If you hadn't met me, then I wouldn't be Miriam's mother and she wouldn't be turning to prostitution instead of being married. 
Midge: I am not a prostitute. I'm a comic. 
Rose: Is there a difference? 
Midge: Yes, prostitutes get paid more.

Rose: I'm sorry your hair's not unkempt and you're not growing a full beard and you're not fornicating with syphilitic poets.

Mitchell: We have to ship girls in from Jersey. Another busload should be arriving soon if you're worried about the workload.
Midge: I'm sorry, what exactly do you expect me to do with these guys?
Mitchell: Dance. Just dance.
Susie: She's not a dancer. She's a goddamn comic.
Mitchell: Yes, but, unfortunately, she's also extremely attractive.
Midge: Well, that is very flattering. And I did take ballet as a girl.
Susie: Hey, do not let that sway you. Stay mad. 
Mitchell: It's her patriotic duty. Look around. Ten percent of these boys are going to wind up dead.
Susie: You're not even at war. What, are they gonna have a car accident? Trip on the tarmac and get run over by a plane?
Mitchell: Happened twice.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Susie: And by the way, "irregardless"? It's not a word.
Midge: Yes, it is. 
Susie: No, it's not. It's "regardless." That's the word.
Midge: Well, I say irregardless.

Madeline: Marx was the true purist. Lenin's the little boy who dumped his bowels on Karl's genius.
Abe: I've never heard it put quite that way but I agree with the general sentiment.

Zelda: This is the last of the butter cookies. Hey, you're communists, for Christ's sake. Share!
Abe: It's all right, Zelda. I'm sure having a maid waiting on them like this, serving butter cookies, is such a violation of their proletariat values.

Judge: Mr. Maisel? You're the husband? 
Joel: I am, yes. 
Judge: What are you doing here? Are you contesting? 
Joel: No, sir, I'm not contesting. 
Judge: Then why are you here? 
Joel: Just moral support for my wife. 
Judge: While she divorces you. 
Joel: That's right. 
Judge: For adultery. 
Joel: That's right.
Judge: That's very modern. It's almost French.

Midge: I need [Susie] full-time. It's like she abandoned me.
Imogene: Abandoned you? She dropped you? What a jerk.
Midge: No, she's still my manager, but I shouldn't have to share her.
Imogene: So you're saying she makes enough off of just you that she doesn't need to have any other clients?
Midge: Well, not quite. I think she only made about 20 bucks off me last year.
Imogene: So you're saying she has enough of a savings to have you as her only client?
Midge: Well, not quite. I don't think she has any savings. She probably doesn't even have a bank account.
Imogene: But going out on tour opening for Shy Baldwin, the money's going to come pouring in, right?
Midge: Well, not quite. It's not even a living for me. 
Imogene: But Susie gets half, right?
Midge: Well, not quite.
Imogene: Oh. But, no, I agree. You're Miriam Maisel. You should be enough.

Rose: Everything that's happening is all your fault. I was very happy being me. I didn't need to be equal or stand up for myself. I was fine. I have gone my entire life with other people making all my decisions, and I loved it! You, you put this in my head. You made me passionate and independent and broke!
Midge: You're welcome.

Jackie: Hit the light on your way out.
Susie: My pleasure. I can't open the door with the bed down.
Jacki: I can't put the bed up without you seeing me buck fucking naked. Quite the conundrum.

[shapeshifter]

More from 3.1

Quote

- He's a comedian.
- Oh, God.
So this Lenny Bruce is the reason that you left Benjamin? 
- What? No.
- He sends you flowers.
I am not spending the morning with him.
You can tell him that right now.
Will you listen to me? I said he was just a friend.
I can't believe you dropped a surgeon to go out with some comedian.
I did not drop Benjamin for Lenny.
You are frivolous and flighty.
And that's what happens when you let someone have an entire room for skirts.
Oh, yes, Abe, it's my fault that she's like that, is that it? I didn't say that, but I am not her shopping buddy.
Oh, you know what, I've had it.
I'm tired of hearing my husband of 31 years blame me for everything.
Blame me because he's not a freedom fighter.
Blame me because he's not Che Guevara.
That's ridiculous.
Che Guevara isn't Jewish.
I'm sorry, Abe.
I'm sorry that you weren't there to bring Stalin down.
I'm sorry your hair's not unkempt and you're not growing a full beard and you're not fornicating with syphilitic poets.
I'm sure your beatnik hero Jack Krack-a-wack must be - just rife with syphilis.
- Do you mean Jack Kerouac? - Oh - Who? Jack Kerouac.
On the Road? Oh, for God's sake, you should know him.
- You're young.
- I don't read.
I How a daughter of mine developed absolutely no intellectual or social curiosity or sense of responsibility is beyond me.
Oh, please.
Please.
How dare you double-please me.
You don't even know who Lenny Bruce is.
You blather on and on about free speech.
He's out there getting arrested in the name of free speech.
He's talking about things no one has the balls to talk about.
You put down comedy and what I do.
You don't even know what goes on out there.
This guy is the real deal, but you just scoff and pretend that he's nothing.
That is ignorant.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Astrid: I haven't had sex dreams since I converted to Judaism.
Midge: You think there's a connection?

Sophie: I was at an orgy once, and the man behind me kept raving on and on about August Strindberg. Turned out to be Eugene O'Neill.

Sophie: I'm phrasing these things as questions, but they are not.

Rose: Why are we not on the list?
Midge: I held off putting you on the list until you land somewhere.
Rose: Oh, I see. You don't want them curled up with us in our Bowery flophouse with our patched clothes and our smallpox blankets.

Midge: Obviously, [the kids] spend the most time with their dad. There are multiple weekends slotted with Moishe and Shirley.
Moishe: "Weekends." That's the word. I was wondering why we got multiple wieners.

Rose: Why are you mad at me? 
Abe: It's your fault your daughter's a comedian. 
Rose: How so? 
Midge: Yeah, how so?
Ab: It's that German edge she gave you. The Lehman blood. You gave her the oompah.
Rose: Well, it was your penis she was talking about on stage, not mine.
Noah: Whoops, my mother just said that.
Abe: Because penis is a funny word. I've learned this about comedians - they say funny words for cheap laughs. If you had a penis, she'd be talking about you, not me. Wouldn't you talk about your mother's penis if she had one?
Midge: For hours and hours and hours.

Midge: What is this? 
Susie: Your weird ask. 
Midge: My weird what?
Susie: It's the thing I asked for in your contract. He kept hounding me, and when he asked what it is, I blanked and said the room should be filled with teddy bears. 
Midge: Yellow ones. 
Susie: I said it was your favorite color.
Midge: My favorite color's pink. 
Susie: I panicked.

Henry: Hey, what have you guys been up to?
Susie: Midge blew a guy's hard six.
Henry: What? 
Midge: No, I blew on a guy and he got a hard six and he gave me money. That didn't sound good either.

Reporter: How you liking the weather we got here, Shy?
Shy: New York was 40 degrees when we left, so I'm loving it.
Reggie: Thank you for that thoughtful and Pulitzer-worthy question, sir. Really impressive. Let's see if anyone can top that.

Reggie: How is it you stand here and shout the ultimate profanity in the middle of my boy's presser?
Susie: Well, I don't know if that's the ultimate profanity. I mean, I can think of, like, three or four others-
Reggie: I'm not here to fucking discuss what the fucking worst fucking dirty word is.

Shy: When you're a grizzled veteran like me, you'll understand.
Midge: You're all of 33.
Shy: Only on the outside.

Mei: Do you like feet?
Joel: Depends on how they're prepared.
Mei: Do you like a lot of feet? 
Joel: Did I just order a bunch of plates of feet?

Joel: Were you born here? 
Mei: Nope. I was born in a different restaurant. 
Joel: Who do you work for? 
Mei: I'm in medical school. 
Joel: Really? 
Mei: Really. 
Joel: I never met a woman doctor.
Mei: Yeah, technically, you still haven't.

Susie: Whoa. 
Midge: Is it noticeable?
Susie: That your hair has a boner? Yeah. 
Midge: Shit. 
Susie: Was this on purpose?
Midge: Reggie threw me in with Shy's hair girl and when I came out, this was my head. 
Susie: Does Shy's hair girl hate you?

Susie: Get back on that horse.
Midge: The horse can go to hell.

Midge: Failure is how we grow. Actually, it's how men grow. It's how women shrink. Women are not allowed to fail. And when we finally get an opportunity to do something that isn't normally done by our sex, we get one chance. One. How come men fail and people say, "You gave it the old college try," but women fail and they say, "You gave it the old college try, but you shouldn't be in college"?

[Razzberry]

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Shy: What's your deal? 
Midge: My deal?
Shy: Who you got that would glare at me if they saw us talking? I mean, besides your racist uncle.

Susie: Isn't it dangerous?
Musician: You're not Shy, you're not a musician, you're not a vehicle. You're expendable.
Susie: Not really an answer to my question.

Midge: You want some dirt? 
Susie: Why would I want that?
Midge: Buzz asked Natalie Wood for some dirt, and she gave it to him and he rubbed his hands with it, then she bent down and gave him a sexy, three-part kiss, and then she checked on James Dean, and he asked her for some dirt, but it kind of felt like he was just asking cause Buzz got some and he saw that sexy three-part kiss.
Susie: Miriam! I do not need the whole fucking plot to Rebel Without a Cause.

Moishe: You both wear pajamas? What are you, girlfriends? Shirl and me, we sleep in the buff. It's healthier, freer. Warmer, too. Skin on skin, as God intended.

Susie: This is really how it works? It just sits on your face like a French whore? 
Midge: Yup.
Susie: I look like the Bride of Frankenstein.
Midge: Let me even it out it a bit. This reminds me of those lazy Bryn Mawr Sundays when Petra, Janie, Marcie, and I would shake up some cocktails and dish on boys and treat ourselves to a beauty regimen.
Susie: Sounds fun. Where's the gang now?
Midge: Janie's a housewife in Pittsburgh, Marcie teaches high school English, and Petra raises chickens in the Hudson Valley. 
Susie: You thought I was serious?

Midge: We should frame this [check]. 
Susie: Then we can't cash it.
Midge: Think about it. When I'm making ten grand a show, this check won't mean anything and it'll be a terrific souvenir.
Susie: When you're making ten grand a show, I'm gonna be so whacked out on vodka and opium, nothing's gonna mean anything.

Joel: Arch, this is Mei. Mei's the building's, uh, person girl.
Archie: I see. I'm Archie, Joel's friend boy.

Joel: So what's the song about?
Mei: Oh, it's the usual stuff. Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, girl buys knife with 12 inch blade, boy loses thumb, boy loses hand.

Moish: If there's anything you want to get done that you don't want anyone else to know about, you get up at 4:30 in the morning to do it. I knew this fella out of Jersey. Cement business. He always said if you want to kill someone, you do it at 4:30 in the morning.

Moishe: It's remarkable. 7:30, can you believe it? They want to sleep till 7:30. 
Joel: Let them sleep till 7:30, Pop.
Moishe: 7:30 is practically 8:00, which is basically lunchtime. It's the whole day! And they wouldn't even let your mother change their sheets. They'd rather lie there in their own filth.

Susie: This looks really sharp.
Jackie: I think the rug really helps define the bedroom area.
Susie: And it looks bigger.
Jackie: That's what happens when you tidy. Tidiness makes things look bigger.
Susie: And what's that smell?
Jackie: Lilacs in water. It's not only seasonal. It's sensational.

Sophie: What if I'm not sexually attracted to [Gavin]? He'd be the object of my desire, my Jean. There needs to be sexual attraction. Powerful sexual attraction. And what if it's not there?
Susie: I don't know, you act it?
Sophie: Act it. Easy for someone standing in the wings to say.
Susie: Yes, I know I'm not the one standing on stage, but-
Sophie: Could you do a love scene with Roy Rogers' horse? 
Susie: No. 
Sophie: Well, there you go. 
Susie: But it's a horse. 
Sophie: That you're not attracted to.
Susie: I'm not attracted to any horse.

Joel: Nice to meet you, Mr. Baldwin. Great show. I mean, I wasn't your biggest fan before tonight -
Shy: Good to hear. 
Joel: No. I didn't mean it to sound like I didn't like you before. I liked you. But now it's, like, love. I love you.
Shy: Joel, you're on the rebound. Slow down and let's see where this goes.

Midge: you bought drinks for the whole lounge.
Joel: That was dumb.
Midge: Especially since they're free.

Susie: You really couldn't hold it together for a few days, Miriam? 
Midge: You're supposed to hold it together for me, but you weren't here.
Susie: Now you're going to blame me for you fucking your ex-husband and getting married?
Midge: Stop, stop. I know. It was stupid. It's not your fault. We got drunk, it happened.
Susie: Look, this is just another part of a manager's job. Quickie divorces for drunk clients.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Susie: Do you have a set of hotel schematics we could look at?
Midge: We're most interested in the kitchen ventilation system and the routing of the ductwork. Remember the Ambassador in LA?
Susie: The whole place smelled like chlorine and discount cocaine.

Susie: There's sand everywhere - in the sandwiches, in the room, in my hair, in my ass. I haven't been anywhere near the beach and I have sand in my ass.
Midge: That says more about you than it does about Florida.

Susie: Why do Jews do this to themselves? Why do they find terrible places and go live there? "Hey, here's a piece of the desert surrounded by people who hate us. Where do I sign?"

Midge: Susie, go in the pool. Cool off. You'll feel so much better. You do know how to swim, don't you? Are you kidding? You grew up in the Rockaways. Your house was on stilts. How do you not know how to swim?
Susie: Cause my drunken whore of a mother never taught me, okay?

Midge: Swimming's fun. It makes your tush tight.
Susie: I like a nice loose tush.
Midge: Hey, we are on tour now. We will be flying in planes. And if one of those planes goes down in the water, you are gonna have to know how to swim.
Susie: Oh, good. You found a way to make flying even worse.

Sophie: The director hates me.
Susie: I don't believe that.
Sophie: I haven't had anyone look at me that coldly since I had my mother deported.

Sophie: [The director]'s bossy. 
Susie: What did he do? 
Sophie: I wanted to sit on one of my lines, and he said stand. Then he told me I had to wear a wig, so he obviously hates my hair. He said no to the nudity, and he told me I had to memorize my lines.
Susie: Well, you were planning to memorize your lines anyway, weren't you?
Sophie: Yes, but now I don't want to. I despise being told what to do.
Susie: That's kind of his job, Sophie.

Moishe: Wednesday's the day I stay home and work without pants!

Abe: Apostrophe S. We're fighting against fascism, not punctuation.

Ezra: You should be looking at the ideas. Not the spelling. Not the grammar.

Abe: They spelled New York with a C. Vive la résistance.

Midge: I told you to get out of the sun.
Susie: And I told you to go fuck yourself so neither one of us takes direction very well.

Susie: Am I walking funny? Like I have elephant balls?
Midge: No. You're walking like you have your normal-sized balls.

Midge: Sophie's a bully. A bully only responds to other bullies.
Susie: Where'd you learn that, on the mean streets of the Upper West Side?

Archie: Are we using the word girlfriend? 
Joel: No, not yet. She did give me a phone number. Not sure it's hers, but there's the right amount of digits.
Archie: Every great love story started just like that.

Carole: Beer's in the bathtub, booze is on the sill.
Midge: You've got a bathtub full of ice.
Carole: I like cold beer.
Midge: How do you shower?
Carole: There's showers at the pool.
MidgeThat's ingenious.
Carole: That's 15 years on the road. To someone with tits to talk to.
Midge: I was gonna go with "new friends," but yours is better.

Carole: At least behind a bandstand, I can take my shoes off.
Midge: You can take your shoes off?
Carole: I keep slippers back there. Fuzzy ones, rabbit ears.

Carole: Here's the skinny on one-night stands. If it's a guy in the band, keep it simple - no feelings. They can't think you're a girly girl. Go to their place, never yours. That way, you can leave. And if the place is a slum, don't screw him. If his room's dirty, imagine how clean the rest of him is.
Midge: Eww. 
Carole: You have a gun? 
Midge: What?
Carole: It's not necessary. Keys are a good weapon. High heels are great, and they never see it coming, and most hotels have an on-site shoe repair. Sometimes if the guy seems really sketchy but I just got to have some, I'll shove a matchbook cover in the door for an easier getaway.

Shirley: Normally I don't believe in psychiatry but in your case it might be a good idea because you're nuts.

Guy: Can I buy you a drink? 
Midge: Got one coming. 
Guy: Put it on my tab. 
Midge: Oh, no thank you. Very sweet, but I'm working.
Guy: Really? Working? Well, this hotel certainly draws a nicer class of working girls.
Midge: Yeah, look, mom, I'm not a hooker. I'm working on my act and I can pay for my own drink.
Guy: Okay. Modern woman. Maybe I should just keep you company so no other man makes the mistake I just did.
Midge: I appreciate you wanting to be the savior of my reputation, but I'm busy writing dick jokes, so if you don't mind-

Midge: What on earth are you doing here? 
Lenny: I am living here. 
Midge: In Florida?
Lenny: At some point, every Jew must live in Florida. It's in the Torah.

Lenny: 3:00 in the afternoon - a pen, a notebook, and a drink. All you need is a social disease and you are officially a road comic.

Abe: [Shirley] is using stuffed cabbage in a very punitive manner.

Midge: You should have seen my set.
Lenny: I saw your set.
Midge: You did? How was I?
Lenny: Wow. Just like that? I usually start with some small talk. How have you been? Who's got gout?
Midge: Nope. Life's short. Talk about me.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Joel: You really want to hear Ethan say he'd rather see the Yankees than you? He's five. He'd rather see a fire truck than you. Or me or anyone.

Susie: What's the line on the Yankees game?
Junior: Yanks minus one and a half.
Susie: Minus one and a half. Who's pitching today? 
Junior: Whitey Ford.
Susie: Whitey Ford, sure. Is he good? 
Junior: He's pretty good. 
Susie: How's he feeling? Been sick lately? There's this flu that's going around. -
Junior: I wouldn't know. -
Susie: Okay, so if you were to put 20 bucks that you really needed on the Yankees, what do you think? Seem like a good bet to you?
Junior: It's not my job to advise. 
Susie: Just between friends. 
Junior: We're not friends.
Susie: Say we were and I was asking. What would you say?
Junior: I'd say you shouldn't be friends with your bookie. 
Susie: Thanks. 
Junio: And maybe you should learn baseball.

Joel: You don't seem that surprised I got the license.
Mei: I'm generally unflappable.

Martha: I'm done walking on eggshells because he's in a mood. You want to see a mood? I'll show you a mood.
Carole: He's a fucking star. Suddenly, you all forgot what a pain in the ass Elvis was.
Slim: Yeah, Elvis would throw food at you, but at least he'd buy you a car.

Nicky: I haven't been to an opening night since de Mille got us those Oklahoma! tickets.
Susie: You worked for Agnes de Mille?
Frank: Yeah. Brilliant, but could she hold a grudge.

Susie: Sophie. Nice to hear from you. You loving your new theater? Got you a hell of a dressing room, didn't I?
Sophie: Yeah, the mice seem to like it.
Susie: Well, it was good enough for Julie Andrews.
Sophie: Well, she's young. I bet she hasn't drunkenly banged the light guy thinking it's her leading man yet.

Susie: Okay, Sophie, you have to take a deep breath. Now listen to me very closely. This is what you wanted, to be on Broadway and prove you are a serious actress. This is what you came to me for. So now you have to take the cork out of your ass, you have to open your fucking ears, swallow the disappointing Jell-O, and go out there and do the work. You show those assholes you are right and they are wrong, and then you can go to the Tonys and completely forget to thank me in your acceptance speech.
Sophie: I will forget to thank you.

Gavin: Did you know that she wants her dogs in the play? -
Susie: I did not. 
Gavin: Did you know that she wants them to have billing? 
Susie: I did not. 
Gavin: With a box around their names? 
Susie: Did not know that either.
Gavin: She's impossible to deal with, did you know that? 
Susie: Taking the fifth. 
Gavin: I have to say that in all my years in this business, I've worked with every drunken, drug-addled piece of work in a dress, male or female, and I have never, ever met anyone so completely lacking in sanity.
Susie: Yeah, I think it feels that way now cause you're in the thick of it.
Gavin: I did Midsummer Night's Dream where Titania killed Oberon with a letter opener onstage, and that woman I would work with again over Sophie Lennon.

Susie: I don't like you on a boat. 
Midge: Why not? 
Susie: Boats sink.
Midge: But they mostly don't, and that's what makes them boats.
Susie: They get torpedoed. They hit icebergs. No boats. No bikes. I don't want you riding on or in anything. Just sit quietly and read a Bible - and no New Testament.

Midge: Do you remember seeing me perform? 
Rose: No. 
Abe: I remember. I laughed twice. I laughed four times when I saw Red Skelton, so you're half as funny as that.

Abe: I always had a hard time picturing you here. 
Asher: Why? 
Abe: You're so New York. A man of the city.
Asher: I wouldn't survive in that city for five minutes now. Look at what I have here: sun, surf, freedom! I open when I want; I close when I want. I haven't put on socks in weeks, and every night there's a beautiful sunset, and I never miss it.

Abe: I've been missing the old me, the man you knew. I thought I could get that fire back, I could care about something, be involved in something meaningful. You know what I mean? -
Asher: I sell bait now, so no. 
Abe: I met some young people in a bar. They talked a lot like we used to talk. Lots of jargon and mentions of Trotsky.
Asher: Trotsky's still a thing?
Abe: They wanted to start a paper.
Asher: wants to start a paper. We wanted to start a paper. 
Abe: I thought maybe I could help them achieve their goals, make a difference, but after a few weeks, I realized they were just a bunch of idiots.
Asher: All young people are just a bunch of idiots.
Abe: They couldn't focus or spell or form a coherent thought. They think "it's the '60s, man" is a manifesto of some sort. To them, all you have to do is not bathe, and you're a rebel.
Asher: Well, there we differed. We always bathed.
Abe: We did. We smelled wonderful.

Abe: You didn't fail. Others failed you.
Asher: A lot of those people are still there - in New York, in the theater. And I wear flowered shorts to work.

Joel: I can hit these clubs alone.
Archie: What fun would that be?
Joel: It's not for fun. It's research - checking out the competition.
Archie: Oh. So no drinking.
Joel: Oh, no, there will be drinking, but sad, un-fun drinking.

Archie: Now, this is more like it. Much classier than the last place. Your feet don't stick to the floor.
Joel: Let's put that on the list - clean the floor once in a while.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Some of Midge's commercials:

• Paramus Ford has the best deals in town. They're so good that even I can understand the savings and I'm a woman!

• With its natural mildness and gorgeous aftertaste, more expectant mothers prefer Pall Mall cigarettes over any other brand!

• Look at that! I want it! It's so big, daddy! I want to lick it!

• Soft and gentle, so comfortable, and so easy to carry. A month's supply fits easily into your purse. So try Pursettes, ladies.

• Ladies, stay fit and trim the easy way with amphetamines, the pleasantest way to reduce!

Chester: Sounded like you slept well. 
Susie: Was I snoring?
Chester: Or asphyxiating. Either way, I liked it.

Jackie: How would you like your eggs today, Chester?
Chester: Raw.

Sophie: I'm excited. Not as excited as I was for that ménage à trois with Vincent Price and Ethel Merman but close.

Benjamin: Midge was right for me. I just was not right for her.

Abe: Your lead character, the carpenter, you spoke through him. It was powerful. It moved me. Now the actor I saw did the whole thing shirtless.
Asher: Dumb choice.
Abe: And he power sawed a two by four during the soliloquy, you could barely hear it.
Asher: Gawd, I hate actors.

Junior: Hey, remember that talk we had about not being friends? 
Susie: Yeah. 
Junior: Well, if you were my friend, I would tell you that if you need a bucket brigade to cobble up scratch, it might be time to slow down the gambling a little. But you're not my friend.

Abe: Phyllis Schlafly?
Midge: Yeah. She's a woman. She's running for something or other.
Abe: Congress. In Illinois. 
Midge: You know her? 
Abe: Of course I do. I've been published in the New York Times. This is not a good woman.
Midge: How so?
Abe: She's a right wing nutjob. She's come out against Nixon.
Midge: Great. We don't like Nixon.
Abe: Because she thinks he's too left wing.
Midge: That doesn't sound real.
Abe: She also said that Eisenhower only got in office because of secret kingmakers in New York. I'm not sure if you know what ethnicity she's referring to with the words kingmakers and New York, but one of them just got part of his penis cut off.
Midge: Well, then she's an idiot.
Abe: She's not. That's what makes her dangerous. This is who you're doing a commercial for?
Midge: Well, it's a paycheck.
Abe: If you're going to have a voice, you'd better be careful what that voice says.

Midge: I can't do this. This woman, this Schlafly woman - she's awful. I stopped by the library. I looked her up. She is racist and sexist and she uses way too much hairspray.

Susie: Miriam, you just recorded a spot for a massage parlor in Newark. Do you know how many greasy hand jobs happen on a daily basis at a massage parlor in Newark?
Midge: This is on a whole different scale. This is a giant greasy hand job.

Susie: "I was just explaining to little Timmy this morning that the atomic bomb is a marvelous gift that was given to our country by God." Holy fuck, this woman's a monster.
Midge: That's what I was saying!
Susie: Plus, the segues are terrible.
Johnny: "Did you also tell the children that we can't let certain well-financed minorities determine America's future?" 
Susie: What the fuck?
Midge: We really have to start reading these contracts.
Susie: I did, and it said nothing about this woman being Satan.

Edited December 19, 2019 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Midge: You know, when we have kids, we're gonna have to go home at night.
Joel: What? Who says?
Midge: The We Are Not Shitty Parents Handbook. 
Joel: That commie rag. Our kids are gonna be cool kids. 
Midge: Club kids. 
Joel: Daylight will hurt their eyes. 
Midge: Vampire kids.
Joel: They'll talk in slang and fall asleep to Charlie Parker. 
Midge: Rehab kids.

Midge: Joel, our children cannot go to school in Queens. 
Joel: Why? 
Midge: Because - Queens!

Midge: Joel, promise can turn into potential at Collegiate. If he goes to Queens U, promise turns into, "Move it, pal, forklift coming through."
Joel: First of all, if he gets into Queens U at five, he's definitely advanced.

Jackie: "One rarely sees anything as mystifying as the production of Miss Julie that took place last night at the Barrymore Theatre. The experience was almost as if McSorley's closed early and its inebriated patrons wandered over, found a copy of Strindberg's play, dropped their pants and defecated on it. The performance was so debased that one could almost recommend it as an archeological exploration into the decay of modern society. However, despite the braying jackasses delighting in Ms. Lennon's bizarre improvisations, this production of Miss Julie will be closing tonight, one night after it opened."

Tessie: Mom's dead.
Susie: Oh, Jesus. You scared me for a minute, Tess. Didn't need to be sitting for that. What happened? Her liver strangle her in her sleep? 
Tessie: No. She tried to crawl out of the window of the nursing home to go find some booze, and she fell. 
Susie: Shit. 
Tessie: Three stories.
Susie: Fuck. Bad way to go.
Tessie: No, she survived the fall, but then she rolled off the dock into the water. 
Susie: So she drowned? 
Tessie: No. She was dog paddling back to the docks and got hit by a boat.
Susie: Holy Christ.
Tessie: But she survived that. They got her out, took her to a hospital, and she got an infection.
Susie: I'm sorry, is she dead yet?
Tessie: Yep. Choked on the meds.
Susie: Well, lady sure knew how to make an exit.

Tessie: I'm going over her will. It says, "The house goes to the girls cause my piece of shit son looks and smells just like his father."

Susie: Hey, we ever gonna tell Chester there's no hot water and no hot water heater?
Jackie: Fuck, no.

Joel: Holy shit, it's a nightclub.
Archie: You did it, pal.
Joel: You think those ceiling tiles are gonna stay up?
Archie: I used every roll of Scotch tape I could steal from the office, so hope so?

Moishe: I want you to know that I never liked what my son did to you. You were a good girl. I will never understand what was going through his head.
Midge: I don't want any favors, Moishe. I don't want pity. I don't expect you to sell the apartment to me cheap just because I'm family. 
Moishe: But it would be nice.
Midge: Well, sure. I mean, your son did dump me, and I am family.
Moishe: Okay, that was a little funny.

Reggie: Smoke this. 
Susie: Why? Did we fuck?
Reggie: You know, you are a very tense person.

Susie: There is no one like her in the world. She's like my dirty, sparkly, good fucking fairy. 
Reggie: Uh oh. 
Susie: What?
Reggie: You really believe in this girl.
Susie: Aren't I supposed to? 
Reggie: Smells like trouble. 
Susie: Why?
Reggie: Just means you can't be objective.
Susie: Oh, believe me, I can be objective. I know when she sucks. I know when she's an asshole or dressed like a mental patient. She's incredibly high maintenance. I had to learn how to sew on sequins in the dark. She's always late. You got to feed her every two hours like a fucking parking meter.
Reggie: Shit. I can't get Shy to eat anything. That boy exists on coffee, gin and compliments.

Reggie: It's a strange job, managing another person's career. You think you're so important, and then suddenly, you're running around Utah looking for the kind of toothpaste Shy likes.
Susie: Who the fuck listens to Shy in Utah?

Jackie: Somebody used the fondue pot for something other than fondue. Now, I'm not saying it was you, but it was fucking you.

Corinne: I told Judy Kramer that it was all your idea and she asked for your number. 
Rose: Why? 
Corinne: Her daughter. You know, the tall one with the face?
Rose: Oh, yes. Poor thing. To look like that and be tall enough for everyone to see.
Corinne: Well, she was working in Toronto for a few months. She just came back gorgeous. 
Rose: What? 
Corinne: Stunning. No idea. Only now she has an ugly girl's personality in a pretty girl's body and everybody is confused.

Rose: You know, you won't be this handsome forever.
Benjamin: Well, I have a painting in my attic that would prove otherwise.

Rose: Don't wait too long to be happy.

Imogene: When we first started dating, Archie would sit outside my house for hours. The police never arrested him because, you know, he's Archie. He looks like a choirboy. He was a choirboy. He's got a lovely baritone, by the way. But they would shoo him off. And the next day, he'd be right back there, sitting in the tree next to my bedroom window.
Midge: Romantic. With just a hint of creepy.

Susie: Nice club. 
Joel: Thanks.
Susie: Doesn't smell like anyone's pissed in it yet. 
Joel: Oh, they have.

Eugene: The first moment I saw Midge Maisel, I thought, "That is one red hot cocktail waitress."
Fief: French restaurant level cocktail waitress.

Reggie: Eat this. 
Midge: What is it?
Reggie: Oatmeal cookie.
Midge: Why do you have the world's entire supply?
Reggie: People make this stuff for Shy because he goes around saying these are his favorite foods. They are not his favorite foods. In fact, he never even touches the damn stuff.

Shy: Get in here, Little Miss Mouthy!
Midge: Mr. Baldwin, you look like a million bucks.
Shy: Oh, no, my price has gone way up.

Midge: I tried to call you a few times, but you got that housekeeper, General Patton.
Shy: Yes, you'd think after helping save the world from Hitler, he could get a better gig.

Shy: Tell me what you've been up to.
Midge: Well, I've been living in Queens. Doing some radio work. Got paid in feminine products and pancake syrup. My nephew had his bris.
Shy: He had his what?
Midge: It's where they cut off your penis and then we all eat deli.
Shy: It's time for both of us to get back on the road.

Midge: Wow, someone's killing.
Shy: Must be Moms.
Midge: Moms Mabley? Are you serious?
Shy: Where you going?
Midge: Moms Mabley's onstage.
Shy: Shy Baldwin's right here. What happened to our reunion?
Midge: Well, you look good, you feel good, you liked my dress.

Midge: Why am I opening for Shy, Reggie?
Reggie: Cause Shy ain't gonna open for you.
Midge: Do you think this is the right crowd for me?
Reggie: Well, it's the crowd you got, so let's hope so.
Midge: They loved Moms. I shouldn't be on after Moms Mabley. They're going to hate me for that.
Reggie: You been talking to Marcus?
Midge: He called me a white girl. 
Reggie: Wow. Low blow.

Tessie: Boy, [the house] went up a lot faster than I thought it would.
Susie: 60 years of Southern Comfort in that floor probably sped up the process.