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Baz: So I'm guessing your husband doesn't like his time slot tonight.
Midge: No, he loves his time slot. He loves any time slot. There's just a tiny problem. Our daughter is sick. Earache, and 1:45 is just so late. I didn't know what to do. I thought-
Susie: Didn't your son have the measles last week?
Midge: What? Uh, yes. Yes, he did.
Susie: And the week before that, your mother had rickets?
Midge: Yes. So painful.
Susie: And last month, your sister-in-law broke her toe. Your brother threw out his back. That's a lot of health issues. Your family might want to eat some fruit.

Imogene: She's going on and on about this miracle treatment she had done in Mexico. It involved goat's milk and avocadoes. They smear it on your face, wrap a hot towel around your head, and stick two straws up your nose. So you can breathe through the straws. Then they put you on a boat and row you out to sea and they drop the anchor, and you sit there for four hours. Then they row you back in and they scrape you down, slap you in the face with old banana skins, charge you $75, and send you home. She thinks she looks 20. I think she looks the same.

Joel: You think this is funny? 
Midge: I think it doesn't matter.
Joel: Going on stage with holes in my shirt like a bum.
Midge: It's downtown. If you have underwear on, you're overdressed.

Archie: Imogene, doesn't that look like Allen Ginsberg?
Joel: Everyone here looks like Allen Ginsberg.

Musician: Now who here likes hillbilly polka?

Janet: This poem is about Spokane. Spokane Spokane. Spokane. Man.

Joel: I'm never going to be a professional comedian, Midge. Never. 
Midge: No, of course not.
Joel: What do you mean, of course not? What do you mean, what do I mean? What did you think all those nights at the club were?
Midge: I thought they were fun. I thought they were our fun couples thing, like how the Morgensterns play golf or how the Meyers ballroom dance or how the Levins pretend they're from Warsaw once a week to get 10% off of that Polish restaurant that does Kielbasa Night. I never knew you were serious about it.
Joel: Of course I was serious, Miriam. What the hell ever made you think I wasn't serious?
Midge: Well, for starters, you were doing someone else's act.

Abe: Life isn't fair. It's hard and cruel. You have to pick your friends as if there's a war going on. You want a husband who'll take a bullet for you, not one who points to the attic and says "They're up there."

Midge: Why did he leave? Why wasn't I enough? And why didn't they put the stage over there against that wall instead of over here by the bathroom so you wouldn't have to listen to every giant bowel movement that takes place in there?

Midge: Do you know I've seen her twice with her shirt on inside out? Penny. Twice. Once, fine. You were rushed in the morning. Twice, you can only be trusted to butter people's corn at the county fair.

Susie: Don't you want to do something no one else can do? Be remembered as something other than a mother or a housewife or member of the Communist Party?
Midge: When did I become a member of the Communist Party?
Susie: The minute you took that flyer.
Midge: What? Shit.

Midge: Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. It's Yom Kippur. I'm supposed to be fasting, atoning for my sins in the eyes of God. 
Susie: So? 
Midge: So I'm eating peanuts.
Susie: You showed your tits to half of Greenwich Village. You think the fucking nuts are what's going to piss him off?

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1 hour ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Susie: Don't you want to do something no one else can do? Be remembered as something other than a mother or a housewife or member of the Communist Party?
Midge: When did I become a member of the Communist Party?
Susie: The minute you took that flyer.
Midge: What? Shit.

I'm still sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop with this one—like maybe when

Spoiler

they finish vetting Abe for his new position.

Edited by shapeshifter · Reason: Spoiler policy politeness

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Joel: I thought you wanted to be a cool chick.
Midge: I can be a cool chick with a doorman and a Kelvinator Foodarama refrigerator, can't I?

Imogene: Joel showed up at our house with this tiny girl suitcase, and he and Archie went into Archie's office and shut the door and all I could hear was "bowling" and "pandas." Did you fight about bowling? 
Midge: No. 
Imogene: Was there a panda?
Midge: No.
Imogene: Well, maybe it wasn't pandas, but it had a "P."
Midge: Joel left me for his secretary.
Imogene: What? 
Midge: Penny Pann. 
Imogene: Pann like panda. 
Midge: Pann like panda. 
Imogene: Oh, my God. His secretary? 
Midge: His idiot secretary.
Imogene: Wouldn't be better if she was smart.
Midge: Actually it would.

Imogene: Hey, stop working so hard. You're starting to look like them. 
Midge: The divorcees? 
Imogene: Do not forget, we do this so we can eat cheesecake. They do this because they need to find new men, or at least look trim for the coroner after they die alone.

Rose: Miriam is Miriam. She wanted to play and run around dressed in black like a Fellini film.

Drina: Do you remember when she wanted to learn to drive?
Rose: Because she found pink driving gloves. Everything with Midge starts with an accessory.

Rose: I should've sent her to Paris. My mother sent me to Paris.
Drina: Paris is wonderful, but it's good Midge didn't go. There was danger for her there.
Rose: Too much bread.

Drina: I see a hammer. 
Rose: Is a hammer good?
Drina: It is if you want to hang a picture.

Susie: You know the last time I was up at 9:30 in the morning? It was the last time I stayed out all night and got home at 9:30 in the morning. That is the last time I was up at 9:30 in the morning.

Midge: I forgot.
Susie: Oh, much better. It is so much better that you just forgot. You know, my fear was that you remembered and chose not to meet me. But now that I know I literally didn't even enter into your - Where the hell are we? What is this, fucking Versailles?
Midge: It's my apartment.
Susie: Your table is set for 30. Who has cutlery for 30? Jesus Christ, what is this, a landing strip? Where is your airplane, in the bathroom? I had no idea you were such an important person. If I had realized that the Queen of England had stood me up, I would have understood. But I just thought you were some drunk housewife who needed my help. I had no idea you were related to fucking Charlemagne. Cause if Catherine the Great had shown up and said, "Hey, let's meet at 10:00," I probably wouldn't have expected her to show up either. But you have to tell people who you are cause if all they have to go on is the fact that you make appointments and then forget about them, they're just gonna think you're a stuck-up twat. It's an easy mistake to make. I almost made that same mistake. But then I saw your dining room was set for Parliament. What is this, a backup place in case you get bored with the other one? What the hell is going on here?

Midge: Would you like some iced tea?
Susie: Hmm. Do I want some iced tea? Let me think. Fuck you. No, I do not want any iced tea. First you stand me up. Then you Bataan Death March me through Buckingham Palace. You make me hold your kid's filthy hand, which means I probably got 14 different kinds of cholera right now.

Susie: Are those two really your children or did we just break in and kidnap a couple kids?

Midge: Why do I have it in my head that it's a thing?
Susie: I don't know, lady. Maybe it's all that royal inbreeding.

Moishe: I heard that name, Penny Pann, and I thought, "Well, that's a stupid name."

Shirley: What, what are those?
Rose: French cheese puffs.
Shirley: French food is salty. Is that on purpose? 
Rose: Probably.
Shirley: Did you know a lot of French women aren't married? Because they're always going topless on their beaches. Men see if for free, they're not gonna propose.

Moishe: You miss the Dodgers? You know, they left because of you, right? They left because you never went to a game, and they said, when the hell is Ethan coming to a game?

Rose: What is that? 
Shirley: Chicken soup.
Rose: Where did that come from?
Shirley: I put it in the freezer last time I was here. Oh, do you have any matzo meal? Never mind, I have some in my purse.

Abe: I am not a violent man, Joel. But if I were, I would take you upstairs to my apartment and throw you out the window. Do you know why I'm not throwing you out this window? 
Joel: No. 
Abe: Because my window is on a higher floor and I want to make sure it sticks.

Joel: Abe 
Abe: No. You do not call me Abe. 
Joel: What do I call you? |
Abe: Nothing. You call me nothing. You don't talk to me or look at me. If you see me on the street, you will cross the street, whether or not there is a crosswalk present. Your pedestrian safety is of no importance to me anymore.

Abe: You swore to me you wouldn't see that crackpot anymore.
Rose: Drina's a friend, and she's very gifted.
Abe: She reads sediment.

Midge: That's Russian, motherfucker!

Midge: God, how did I not know it wasn't our house? How stupid am I? I mean, I never thought to ask, "Hey, in case you leave me for your secretary, what's the situation with our deed?" It's the bras, right? It's the bras. And the the girdles and the corsets, all designed to cut off the circulation to your brain, so you walk around on the verge of passing out, and you look at your husband, and he tells you things, and you just believe them. Like, like when you're a little girl, and people say, "The princess lived in a magic castle for a hundred years. And then a prince climbed up the side, slayed a dragon, kissed her, woke her up, and they lived happily ever after." And you think that's plausible. Couple of details are fuzzy, but sure, I'll buy that. Later, you find out the prince's father owns the castle, the prince's secretary knows shorthand, and Sleeping Beauty's screwed. You've heard about the shorthand girls? These are girls whose skill in life is not writing full sentences. Meanwhile, I went to college to learn Russian. And speaking of vodka, why don't they serve booze here? I need a drink. I need a stiff drink. I need a drink so stiff I could blow it.

Midge: That's the end of my show, folks. Tune in next week, when my grandmother steals my pearls and fucks my boyfriend.

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Joel: Joel Maisel. 
Palmer: Palmer Witherspoon. 
Joel: Really?

Vicki: He says "So the cash, now," just like that. You know me, I don't put up with shit, so I grab his knife and- Do I owe you money?
Midge: Sorry.
Vicki: Anyhow, I grab his knife and I thought he'd move. 
Trish: Hey, everyone dies.
Vicki: Worst part was the blood. It was everywhere. On the walls, on the floor. I mean, look at this. He was like a fire hydrant. And I love this top. 
Midge: Salt it. 
Vicki: What?
Midge: The stain. Salt it, then pour boiling water on it till the water runs clear. Stain should be gone.
Vicki: Neat. Thanks. Gonna need a lot of salt everywhere.
Trish: I would listen to her. She looks like she knows what she's talking about.
Vicki: I wonder if she has other tips for, like, bullet holes and stuff.

Rose: Who is this?
Susie: Well, I I told you, ma'am. I'm a friend of Midge's.
Rose: Your name. What's your name?
Susie: Uh, Carol.
Rose: You had to think about it? 
Susie: Janet? 
Rose: Wait. Do you not know who you are? 
Susie: Not at the moment.

Kessler: You start controlling speech, you're slip-sliding toward fascism, and we saw how that turned out.

Midge: My behavior earlier today was irrational, irresponsible and extremely disrespectful. I let my emotions get the better of me. After all, I am a woman.

Joel: Listen, Arch, you know, I'm not gonna be on your couch forever. I promise. 
Archie: What are you talking about? This is great. You're like the pet we never had.

Musician 1: Pounder comes up, saying I was all drunk and belligerent. 
Musician 2: Well, were you?
Musician 1: I wasn't drunk. I was stoned. And we had finished playing for the night.
Musician 2: What's that have to do with it?
Musician 1: I wasn't belligerent during the set.
Musician 2: Nah, you were just missing notes during the set. 
Lenny: Yeah, but it's jazz. Who can tell when you're missing the notes?

Midge: Is this a marijuana joint? Oh, that smell. My college roommate's sock drawer smelled like this. I thought it was some Eastern European potpourri.

Midge: Women are supposed to be mothers. It's supposed to be natural. It comes with the tits, right? The equipment is pre-installed.

Midge: Is Lenny Bruce boring at home? Like, at home is he all, "Have you seen my red socks?" And then he comes on stage and he's all, "I'm gonna put a little airplane glue on a rag and fuck, shit, cock, prick."

Concierge: Guests have to sign in.
Susie: Then I will do that.
Concierge: And your name is?
Susie: Chuckle Frankenburg.

Midge: My husband left me. 
Lenny: Oh, shit. 
Midge: Yeah. It's, uh -
Lenny: Uh-oh, you need me to be understanding or something? I can pretend to do that.

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Abe: Miriam, does your son not understand the word "therefore"? I feel like that's where I lost him.

Abe: I want you to talk to Miriam.
Rose: About what?
Abe: Her son eats with his mouth open. It needs to stop.
Rose: He's three.
Abe: When I was three, I could resole a shoe.
Rose: I'm not sure that's a direct comparison.

Susie: What do you think? They deserve a slot? 
Jackie: I don't like three guitars.
Susie: Goddamn it, Jackie. You have got to widen your basis for criticism. Is it good music? Are they entertaining? That's how you judge shit like this.
Jackie: Hey, I told you when I started working here, I didn't like music.
Susie: Look, I'm gonna be branching out in my life. I need somebody to pick up the slack around here. You have got to develop some taste. Now look up there and tell me what you think. 
Jackie: I like dog acts.
Susie: Oh, fuck off, Jackie.

Susie: We don't even really know who you are yet. What kind of comic are you? Are you a planter or a stalker?
Midge: Stalker.
Susie: Will you tell one-liners, stream of consciousness? 
Midge: Stream of consciousness. 
Susie: Personal? Political?
Midge: Personal tinged by political.
Susie: Okay. Well, I guess we do know who you are.

Midge: Here. I brought this.
Susie: No. I don't want to read your diary.
Midge: It's not my diary.
Susie: I don't care what your first time felt like.
Midge: It's not my diary. It's a notebook I write thoughts down in.
Susie: That's a fucking diary. 
Midge: No, it's not. 
Susie: I don't want to read the word "ponies" over and over and over.
Midge: I write down thoughts for jokes.
Susie: "Oh, I do wish Mitzi Gaynor was my very best friend. "
Midge: Just read, please.
Susie: Okay. Well, there are thoughts here. I do, however, see Mitzi Gaynor is mentioned.
Midge: Well, come on, she's adorable.

Susie: How to use a mic - mics can be very tricky. You ever here of Joe E. Lewis? 
Midge: Of course.
Susie: They say mobsters cut his face cause he didn't want to do a club date? Nope. Tripped on a mic cord. Thirty percent of all comics die from cord-related injuries. 
Midge: That's not true. 
Susie: Well, it's up there.

Midge: I don't want to use my real name.
Susie: Why not?
Midge: Because I don't want people to know I'm talking about me. I want them to think I'm talking about Tula Raine.
Susie: That's a stripper name. 
Midge: What about Lotte McAllister? 
Susie: That's an Irish stripper name. Use your real one. 
Midge: No. Miriam Maisel's a person.  Anya Morgenstern -
Susie: Is my cleaning lady.

Midge: Oh, I love this store. It's got texture. My father's study kind of smells like this.
Susie: Like an armpit smoked a cigarette?
Midge: Oh, this is the cutest thing ever. Bing Crosby Sings Mother Goose. I had such a thing for Bing Crosby when I was little.
Susie: Really? He's so oily looking, like if you got on top of him, you'd slide right off.
Midge: Never watching White Christmas again.

Susie: These guys have never spoken to a viable mate before. Virgil, Oz, meet Midge.
Midge: Nice to meet you, fellas.
[silence from Virgil and Oz]
Susie: Mmm, pretty sure that's the sound of two guys spontaneously ejaculating.

Midge: You know, I read in the paper that Senator Kennedy is gonna run for president.
Abe: That pretty boy?
Midge: Just because he's attractive doesn't mean he's unqualified.
Abe: Of course it does. To be truly effective, you must be ugly.
Midge: That's ridiculous.
Abe: Look at all the great thinkers of our time, the great men. 
Midge: The great women. 
Abe: Especially the women. They are all to a tee extremely unpleasant to look at.
Midge: I think Senator Kennedy's brilliant.
Abe: Of course you do. And when did you start to read the paper?
Midge: I read the paper. 
Abe: Yeah, only the shoe ads.
Midge: You don't like Kennedy because he's wealthy. 
Abe: Shady money.
Midge: So you hate him because of his father.
Abe: His father is a terrible man. - an anti-Semite, an isolationist. -
Rose: Why are you doing this? 
Midge: Doing what?
Rose: You're baiting your father. 
Midge: I'm not. He shares his opinion, I share mine.
Rose: Well, don't do that. Just let him win.
Midge: So, if you don't like Kennedy, who do you want for president, Nixon?
Abe: Oh, my God. When Richard Milhous Nixon becomes president, we move to France.
Rose: I would love to move to France.
Abe: We're not moving to France.

Midge: Hey, what's going on?
Janet: Shh, Jane's speaking. 
Midge: Jane who? 
Janet: Jane Jacobs.
Midge: Yes. Uh, who is Jane Jacobs? 
Janet: You've never heard of Jane Jacobs? 
Midge: No. 
Janet: Where have you been? 
Midge: The Upper West Side.

Midge: So, your apartment. It's nice, it's really nice. 
Penny: Thank you. 
Midge: In fact, it looks an awful lot like our place. The building, the hallway, the old man in the elevator. And isn't that the couch I wanted to buy but you said was too deep? 
Joel: I don't remember what couch you -
Midge: You know, it's funny, I thought I'd find you squatting in some downtown, smoke-filled atelier, not two blocks away, living the Methodist version of our life with the Methodist version of me. Does she have an "on" switch? You know what's funny? I don't have my apartment anymore. You have my apartment. You have a lot of my things, actually.You're welcome.
[timer dings] 
Midge: Dinner? 
Penny: Yes. 
Midge: What?
Penny: Pot roast.
Midge: The Methodist version of brisket.
Joel: Boy, do you know how to make an entrance.
Midge: So is this what you were missing, Joel? Pot roast and Santa Claus?
Joel: I don't want to talk about this here.
Midge: Should we get lunch somewhere? Is there a mayonnaise and Wonder Bread cafe opening up somewhere we could try?
Joel: I was gonna come pick him up. I was gonna come to you so that you wouldn't have to come here.
Midge: You are a prince, a real prince. I hope Penny knows what a prince you are.
Joel: I don't understand you, Midge.
Midge: You don't understand me? Me? Me?
Joel: I said I'd come back, remember? I came to you and I said let's try again. You said no.
Midge: Oh, no, uh-uh. You don't get to rewrite this. You're the one who left. Not me. I'm the good guy, you're the bad guy.

Joel: I want my notebook.
Midge: What notebook? 
Joel: My comedy notebook.
Midge: You mean MY comedy notebook.
Joel: It was about me.
Midge: Everything's about you.
Joel: I want it.
Midge: Why? You quit, remember?
Joel: I might try again. You don't know. It's mine, I want it.
Midge: Well, I don't know where it is, but even if I did, as long as you have Bob Newhart's album, you'll be fine.

Midge: You said you didn't want our life. But this is our life. You didn't go somewhere exotic or different, you went across the fucking street.

Susie: Well, that's a smell. First stop of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Now, this shithole is kind of an off-the-grid place. Established comics do not come here unless they're trying out material they want no one to see. Bookers do not come here. You will never see Jack Paar represented here in any way, shape or form.
Midge: My father will be very relieved.
Susie What are you doing?
Midge: Taking notes. Research.
Susie: You gonna write everything down?
Midge: Everything I think is pertinent or interesting, or could be pertinent or interesting.
Susie: So the answer's yes.
Midge: "No Jack Paar in this shithole." What's this place called?
Susie: "This shithole." 
Midge: You're kidding.
Susie: Well, not officially, but by anyone who's been here.

Susie: I appreciate this, Lanie. 
Lanie: Appreciate nothing. We have a deal.
Susie: Well, appreciation's a valuable commodity these days.
Lanie: You promised me a prime spot at the Gaslight for two weeks if I got you in here. You promised.
Susie: I know. I just- You're so terrible.
Lanie: That doesn't matter.
Susie: You really, you have no talent at all.
Lanie: I didn't ask for your opinion on my singing.
Susie: Oh, you're a singer? See, I just thought you had your sack caught in your zipper.

Midge: My brother's brilliant, just like my father. I'm so proud of him. He's working for the military now, developing a sonar machine that can talk to whales to tell them to get out of the way of boats.
Susie: Is that really what your brother told you he does? IInvents a whale-saving machine?
Midge: Yes. Why?
Susie: That's cute.

Midge: You know I made the cheerleading squad but quit because my mother feared the bouncing would shorten the shelf life of my breasts.
Susie: Yeah, your mother's nuts. You got to use her.

Susie: You want your fries?
Midge: Yes.
Susie: Fine. Though you haven't had a freaking fry in, like, the last three minutes.
Midge: Only if you tell me something about your family.
Susie: What am I, a trained seal?
Midge: I'd like to be friends.
Susie: Yeah, and I'd like to eat at Peter Luger's every night, but life's a bitch.

Susie: My brother's an asshole. My other brother's an asshole. My sister's okay, but she's married to an asshole. My mother washes sheets fourteen hours a day. Once a year, she gets drunk and tells us about the time she came in third in the Miss Rockaway pageant, and then sings Danny Boy, which is what she did for the talent portion. And you realize just how great-looking she must've been if they actually gave her anything after that racket. And then she passes out, pisses herself, and doesn't speak to anyone for the next three weeks.
Midge: And your dad?
Susie: Oh, he's fine. Yeah, he's a trader at E.F. Hutton. He just bought a boat. 
Midge: Really?
Susie: No. Haven't seen the man for fifteen years. He's a total and complete asshole.

Abe: It's two o'clock in the morning. Don't you wear a watch?
Midge: Not with this outfit.

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HR guy: We screen [the Santa applicants] fresh every year. Make sure they're still plump, still personable, still sober.

Abe: Listen, I have a faculty meeting this morning, and Zed Lieberman will drone on and on again, repetitiously, unendingly. Do you understand? 
Zelda: Zed Lieberman is boring.

Abe: You got a job? 
Midge: Yes. 
Abe: You have no resume. 
Midge: They hired me anyway. 
Abe: Do you know how to type? 
Midge: I don't need to.
Abe: I told you to study something practical in college.
Midge: I remember that.
Abe: Russian literature was not that thing.
Midge: I know. 
Abe: And it's five days a week?
Midge: Yes.
Abe: If it rains, you still have to go in.
Midge: I figured. 
Abe: And you know how to get there? 
Midge: By multiple routes.
Abe: And they're paying you? 
Midge: Yes. 
Abe: In money? 
Midge: Yes.
Abe: By check? 
Midge: Every two weeks. 
Abe: You'll need a bank account. 
Midge: I have a bank account.
Abe: Checking and savings?
Midge: Yep.

Midge: I got you something.
Rose: You never have to get me anything.
Midge: I wanted to get you something.
Rose: What is that?
Midge: It's lipstick. I thought you'd like it.
Rose: Where did you get it?
Midge: My job. At the makeup counter. At work.
Rose: Oh, yes, that.
Midge: It went well, my first day.
Rose: Hmm.
Midge: It's a brand new color. It's not officially released till the end of the week.
Rose: So I'm a guinea pig.
Midge: No. You're the first woman in New York to have it. And it's pretty, and I thought of you.
Rose: Yeah, you don't like what I wear now.
Midge: No, I like it a lot. I think it looks nice.
Rose: So do I. This smells funny. But thank you. 
Midge: You are very welcome.

Midge: Shit. I've only done this drunk or stoned. What-what if that's the only reason I was funny? Like, I can't get loaded every time I come on stage.
Susie: You never met a comic?

Joel: Sal, we sold plastic stuff to people that don't actually need plastic stuff. See, that's what salesmanship is, Sally. Selling things to people that they don't want. It's kind of our calling.

Shirley: We should take a cruise. Everyone should go on a cruise. Except Joel. He gets tummy sick.
Joel: One time.
Shirley: And it wasn't even on a cruise ship. It was on the Staten Island Ferry to visit his cousins in Bulls Head.
Joel: Ma, this is a story you should not tell.
Penny: I want to hear it.
Shirley: He threw up. That's the story.
Joel: Great story.

Mary: Vivian's drunk. 
Vivian: I'm not a drunk.
Mary: I didn't say you were a drunk. I said you were drunk. Honey, you have two cups. What's up with that?
Vivian: I poured myself a vodka and I forgot, and I poured a gin. Guess I could mix 'em.
Mary: Oh, Vivian, no, no, no, no, no. You will thank me in the morning.
Midge: She's not gonna be thanking anyone in the morning.. I'll keep Vivian close tonight. 
Vivian: I'm not a child.
Midge: Hey, we've all done this. I once mixed tequila, absinthe and red wine. Came out pink. I'd never puked my favorite color before.
Mary: I don't even much like the taste of alcohol.
Midge: Oh, me either. But I like being tipsy. I mean, I wish there was a pill I guess there is. It's called pills.

Mary: What happened to all the guys?
Midge: They're clustered in a corner. Why do they do that? Why do they cluster like that? Because we intimidate them or because they're finally admitting they don't know anything about cars? Lots of tears and catharsis over that. Or maybe they're just hoping to start a really easily-winnable game of tug-of-war. Or it's just a bunch of guys who didn't make their high school team talking about how Mickey Mantle can improve his swing.

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Midge: The one that got away. The biggest heartache of my life was not my husband and the father of my children leaving me. It was never being able to truly land Manniford McClaine. Yes, that was his real name, and he was fabulous. He was the captain of my high school football team. He was the leader of the pack. He had a jawline you could stab your sister with. He was so gorgeous that after years of having my mother tell me, "Your virtue is a garden, keep it watered, but behind a fence." I bring him over for dinner, she takes one look at him, and suddenly it's like, "You know what? It's not a high fence. Just hop on over. Here, step on my hands, I'll give you a boost." We almost went to prom together. As friends, but still. Then his old girlfriend, Satan, moved back from Rhode Island and they got back together, got married, had four kids and bought a waterfront mansion in Oyster Bay. Anyhow, the other day I picked up a newspaper and there on the front page is a headline: "Wall Street golden boy, Manniford McClaine, caught with head of wife in trunk of car." That's right. Manniford murdered his wife, then drove around with her head for an hour before getting caught. I couldn't believe it. It had to be some other Manniford McClaine. But there he was, in the paper, handcuffed, being perp-walked into the station. And I just thought, "My God, he still looks fantastic." No, I mean it, better looking than high school. I know, my first thought should've been, "Dodged that bullet." Instead it was, "I don't know, he's single, I'm single. If he beats this thing..."

Vivian: You can't have Randall. I'm in love with him.
Midge: He's your cousin, Vivian.
Vivian: Twice removed.
Midge: Let's talk, sweetie.

Customer: [My daughter]'s been very outspoken since she went to Radcliffe.

Susie: So this is where you hang out now?
Midge: Well, you know I never like to be more than three feet from a lipstick.
Susie: I do.
Midge: It's a good job. The girls are really nice. And there's a vending machine in the employee break room that's broken, so if you hit it just right, free Abba-Zabas.
Susie: You are living the dream.

Vivian: Midge, I think I'm in love. 
Midge: Not again. 
Vivian: Come see him, tell me if I'm crazy. He's my dad's boss. He's 70. And deaf and married, but keep an open mind.

Rose: [Midge] doesn't understand. Being a divorcée is terrible, yes, but being on your second marriage is-
Drina: Worse. 
Rose: So much worse. Second marriage says failure. At least divorcée sounds continental. It'd be better if Joel had died. Then she'd be a widow. At least there's dignity in that.

Lew: Food's on me. Keep it under a thousand bucks. It's been a pleasure.
Randall: He's picking up our tab.
Midge: Excellent. Next time, let's meet in the shoe department at Saks.

Susie: Miriam, he just sold you some line cause he wants to get in your pants.
Midge: He does not want to get in my pants.
Susie: He wants to fuck you.
Midge: He wants me to work with him. He says we'll be like Nichols and May. Nichols and May don't fuck.
Susie: Nichols and May totally fuck. 
Midge: That's not what he says. 
Susie: I walked in on them once in the bathroom here. Even their fucking was hilarious.

Abe: I can't find my cuff links.
Midge: Did you check your cuffs, Papa?
Abe: These are my Gimbels cuff links, my everyday cuff links. I need my Finchley cuff links. 
Rose: Abe, you look fabulous without them.
Abe: It's a Finchley night. I'm gonna check the kids' room.
Midge: The kids do not have your Finchley cuff links.
Abe: I had cuff links, your kids moved in, I don't have cuff links. Draw a conclusion. 

Astrid: I'm barren.
Midge: Astrid, you're young.
Astrid: No, I'm not. I'm 30. We're seeing the fertility doctor again tomorrow. He's one of the pioneers in cervical cap inseminations.
Midge: Well, everyone looks good in a cap.
Astrid: I'm almost too afraid to go. I mean, what if it doesn't work this time? What methods did you and Joel use to get pregnant?
Midge: Well, sex.
Astid: Yeah, that seems to work for most people.

Noah: I still can't believe you and Joel split.
Midge: Wasn't my plan, believe me.
Noah: It's so disappointing. I really liked the guy. God, and that girl he was with. When I saw that, I thought, "I should hit him." And I would've. But then I remembered once we were joking around, and I sort of fake-punched his arm Broke my pinkie. He didn't look that big, but his arm was like a brick wall. 
Midge: Yeah, he had strong arms. 
Noah: It was humiliating. The next day at work I had to make up a story about being mugged in the park. 
Midge: You never told me any of this.
Noah: Well it wasn't my most manly anecdote. I sure hate that he hurt you, boy.
Midge: Thanks.
Noah: Make sure the next guy you get involved with has very weak upper body strength.

Lew: How did you get in here?
Susie: Are you kidding me? The entire William Morris Agency goes to lunch from 1:00 to 2:00. Agents, secretaries, security, the janitor. I could've done naked cartwheels down the corridor and no one would have stopped me. What is it with you people and lunch? Don't any of you eat breakfast?

Lew: I'm calling security.
Susie: Oh, forget it, Lew. I cut the lines.
Lew: You what?
Susie: I didn't cut the lines. I just wanted to sound like I was in a Bogart picture for a second. It was kind of cool.

Midge: Babka. 
Susie: Bourbon. 
Midge: Oh, I like that combination.

Midge: If you're gonna be a personal manager, then sometimes you're gonna have to deal with the personal. And this is personal. All of this. And it's not just deals and lectures. Sometimes you're gonna have to buy some Kleenex and let me cry and pat me on the back, and say, "There, there." 
Susie: Okay, that's not really my-
Midge: You're gonna have to listen to me talk about my husband and my kids.
Susie: Both of them? 
Midge: Yes, both of them.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Midge: Let's kick some big-time comedy ass across all five boroughs!
Susie: I'm making some calls tonight. And when I say five boroughs I don't mean Staten Island or Queens. Or the Bronx. Not so much Brooklyn. Just Manhattan.

Shirley: I'm doing a load of whites. Give me everything you got. All your poo-poo undies.

Imogene: we'd better figure out who knows what, compare stories. -
Midge: Stories?
Imogene: The stories you've each been telling people about your situation. I've completely lost track. And I have no idea what you've been telling people. The Murphys - do they know all?
Midge: I'm not sure. I lied to some people at first, then started telling people that we were separated but trying to work it out.
Imogene: The Turners?
Midge: Think that Joel is on a business trip in Poland. The Rivingtons? 
Imogene: Know that you're separated and know that Joel moved out. Someone got to them before me. But they don't know that Joel's living with Penny.
Midge: He's not living with Penny anymore.
Imogene: What? Since when?
Midge: Joel's secretary called. Gave me a new home number for him. It was his parents'.
Imogene: What happened?
Midge: I don't know.
Imogene: Wow. As the world turns. So, who else? Uh, the Gertzs. Midge: Think that Joel is on a very long business trip but suspect more. 
Imogene: The Salings?
Midge: Think that we are renovating the apartment and that Joel is traveling for work.

Harry: I'm not going to the Gaslight. 
Susie: Why not?
Harry: I don't go downtown anymore.
Susie: You cut your teeth haunting dives downtown.
Harry: I got nice suits now.
Susie: Why you wearing this one?

Abe: Is this dinner, Rose?
Rose: It's dinner for Mordecai Glickman. I wasn't aware you were bringing home someone with teeth.
Abe: Well, David, would you like a drink? We have peppermint schnapps. Rose, why is there just peppermint schnapps?
Rose: It's what Professor Glickman drinks. I hope you like applesauce and peach slices, Mr. Blumenthal. 
David: I like whatever you're serving. 
Rose: Good, because that's what we're serving: Applesauce and peach slices and mashed potatoes and consommé and hard-boiled eggs and pureed cauliflower and pudding for dessert. Your teeth will wonder what they're there for.

Midge: Is this a set-up? 
Rose: Of course it's a set-up.
Midge: Why is he doing this? Why is he trying to set me up with some guy?
Rose: Your father's nothing but a common souteneur. 
Midge: A what? 
Rose: A pimp. Your father's a pimp. 
Midge: He's not a pimp.
Rose: He's trying to breed you, like a prize mare.

Midge: Aaron Copland wrote your doorbell?
Sophie: It's something he does. Aaron writes doorbells for all his friends.

Sophie: The bread for the finger sandwiches is from Provence. The macaroons are French, too. Clotted cream is from London, of course, and the scones.
Midge: I would never eat a domestic scone.

Sophie: My goodness, you're so pretty. Why comedy? Can't you sing?
Midge: Nope.

Sophie: Honey, you give a downtowner a swig of gin, and he'll laugh at a sponge. The mainstreamers, the people from Pacoima, the people who buy the dish soap and the dog food, who pay for the Modigliani's - they want a character.
Midge: But Bob Hope doesn't have a character. Lenny Bruce doesn't have a character.
Sophie: They have dicks. Do you have a dick?
Midge: Not last time I checked.
Sophie: Darling, look at you. I mean, really Men don't want to laugh at you. They want to fuck you. You can't go up there and be a woman.

Rose: Don't shh me! Don't you ever shh me! Tell me where you got the fur coat! What? Marshall Field? The label says Marshall Field. That's in Chicago. When were you in Chicago?

Midge: Fat Sophie Lennon. Right? "Put that on your plate!" Well, guess what? It's a fucking fat suit. And there is nothing on her plate. I ate with her. All she did was suck a lemon down to the rind, and when I had the audacity to take a bite of a cookie, she made me feel like I'd splashed her with a cup of syphilis. You know, she gave me a piece of advice right there in the Blue Room. She told me that no one would find me funny unless I do some big, whackadoodle character, or have a dick. Sophie Lennon! Really? You're gonna sit in your million-dollar townhouse, on some chair that's historical because the Mad King George got the trots on it, and tell me that men won't think I'm funny because I don't look like a dump truck? Why do women have to pretend to be something that they're not? Why do we have to pretend to be stupid when we're not stupid? Why do we have to pretend to be helpless when we're not helpless? Why do we have to pretend to be sorry when we have nothing to be sorry about? Why do we have to pretend we're not hungry when we're hungry? Fuck you, Sophie! Put that on your plate!

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10 hours ago, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Rose: It's what Professor Glickman drinks. I hope you like applesauce and peach slices, Mr. Blumenthal. 
David: I like whatever you're serving. 
Rose: Good, because that's what we're serving: Applesauce and peach slices and mashed potatoes and consommé and hard-boiled eggs and pureed cauliflower and pudding for dessert. Your teeth will wonder what they're there for

Either Rose contributed to Midge's funny genes, or A S-P just couldn't resist that line.

Thanks for posting the text of Midge's Shophie rant from The Gaslight, @ElectricBoogaloo, reading it helps me grasp the early feminist levels of frustration that led to the tirade.

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Midge: Who invited [the press]? 
Susie: I did. 
Midge: Why?
Susie: Cause I had no idea it was seppuku night at the Gaslight. "In a vicious, often hilarious, career-ending ten minutes, you wonder, did Lennon steal Gleason's boyfriend?" The Daily News.
Midge: Well, he said hilarious.
Susie: Did you hear all the other words around hilarious? 
Midge: I did, but still.

Imogene: So I was thinking that Ethan and Estelle could get married at the boathouse in Central Park.
Midge: Oh, Imogene, we need to get you in a bowling league. 
Imogene: Hi, Joel.
Joel: Are you psychologically scarring our children?
Imogene: I am. But, since they're going to get married, they will have suffered the same trauma and will understand each other's nightmares completely.

Joel: There any beer in the fridge?
Midge: Look in the back. Mama doesn't like to look at beer. It makes her think of venereal disease.

Joel: The party seemed successful.
Midge: Only one kid shoved an acorn up his nose. 
Joel: Mendel? 
Midge: Yep. 
Joel: Well, when you got a talent.

Midge: Can I ask you something?
Joel: You can ask me anything.
Midge: Why are you still wearing your wedding ring? 
Joel: I'm still married.
Midge: You were living with Penny.
Joel: No, I'm not with Penny. That's over.
Midge: Well, you were. I never saw you without the ring.
Joel: I never thought about taking it off. Never even occurred to me.
Midge: That doesn't make sense.
Joel: Yeah. Nothing I've done has made any sense.

Midge: Joel, there's something I have to tell you. 
Joel: No. I don't care. 
Midge: You don't know what it is. 
Joel: I don't care what it is. But it's If it's bad, I deserve it. I had it coming. It doesn't matter. Just let me kiss you again.
Midge: This is really important.
Joel: Okay.
Midge: The whole time that we were together And I mean dating and married, I'd unhook every other hook on my bra before we had sex. 
Joel: You what? 
Midge: Before we'd have sex, I'd go into the bathroom and I'd unhook every other hook on my bra. And I didn't know tonight was gonna happen, so I didn't have a chance to do that. 
Joel: Are you serious? 
Midge: Yes. 
Joel: You would unhook your own bra? 
Midge: Partly. Just to give you a head start. 
Joel: What did you think was gonna happen? What? If I had to unhook the whole thing all by myself. What'd you think was gonna happen? You think I was gonna get bored? 
Midge: I don't know. 
Joel: You think halfway through I'd lose interest and go make a sandwich? 
Midge: Maybe.

Joel: You know the last time we were in this bed was the week before our wedding. I remember laying here thinking, "In one week, I'll be married to Miriam Weissman the most beautiful girl in the world. And I'll have a wife, and we'll have our own home, and we'll have two kids, and I'll never, ever have to have sex in front of the Dionne quintuplets again."
Midge: Best-laid plans.
Joel: And now here we are. You're back in your parents' house, I'm back in mine. Very strange.
Midge: I've got a curfew. 
Joel: You're kidding. 
Midge: And chores. 
Joel: Wow.

Joel: I fell in love with you the moment I asked you out, and you said no. The first time I laid eyes on you, that was it for me.
Midge: Until you left.
Joel: I never left. I don't know what I did, but I never really left.
Midge: Sure felt like you left.

Midge: Coffee sure smells good, huh? 
Abe: Smells like coffee.

Vivian: I think the snow is good luck.
Mary: Depends on how far you have to walk.

Jackie: What do you do?
Woman: Spoken word with tambourine.
Jackie: Your parents must be thrilled.

Penny: I have been all over town looking for you. 
Midge: Penny, I'm working right now. 
Penny: Oh, I know. I know you're working because Joel said you worked in a department store. He just didn't say which one. So I went to all of them. I went to Saks. I went to Bergdorf's. I went to Macy's. I went to Gimbels. They're across the street from each other, so that was easy. I went to Lord & Taylor's. I went to Bendel's, even though I thought, "She wouldn't shop at Bendel's," but it's not really about where you would shop, is it? 
Midge: Not really.

Abe: If I come home and she's moved me into the kids' room, I'll have to kill you. 
Midge: I understand.
Abe: I'll feel bad about it, but it will happen.

Susie: Hey, Lenny. 
Lenny: It's you?
Susie: I'm sorry. They wouldn't let me in without paying.
Lenny: Yes, that's how a business usually operates.
Susie: Look, I had to talk to you.
Lenny: Don't you ever send a message to anyone saying, "Your drug dealer is outside." That could go wrong in so many ways.

Susie: Have you heard about this? 
Lenny: What? Sophie Lennon? Yes, yes, I heard. I rejoiced. Sophie Lennon's a hack. Plus, she owes me money. I wrote some jokes for her. Never paid me. Good jokes, too, but she said her audience doesn't know the word cunnilingus.

Midge: How did you do this?
Susie: Lots of perverted sex acts. I'll have skinned knees for a month.

Midge: Was it really fair to lure Joel back with the promise of coherent conversation and unlimited clean jockey shorts?

Joel: You got her into this, right? Got her to go up there like that? Got her to stand up there and talk about our life, talk about me. 
Susie: Hey, she says what she wants. She must just find you amusing. I know I find you completely ridiculous.
Joel: You don't give a shit what you're doing.
Susie: I'm not doing anything.
Joel: You're breaking up a family! That's the mother of my children up there talking trash about me in front of a bunch of strangers.
Susie: Well, you got to admit, it's better than her talking trash about you in front of a bunch of people you know.
Joel: Are you happy? Are you happy that you've ruined my life?
Susie: Hey, I didn't fuck my secretary. That was you!

Joel: You don't know anything about me.
Susie: Oh, buddy, I know so much more than you think. You are ripped right out of a bullshit male catalogue.

Susie: Midge has a path now, a career. And she's gonna be a star and you are just gonna be that guy sitting at some loser bar every night pointing to the television set saying, "I used to be married to her, but I fucking blew it!"

Man: Hey, go home and clean the kitchen!
Midge: Oh, sir, I'm Jewish. I pay people to do that.
Man: Women aren't funny.
Midge: Your wife must have a sense of humor. She's seen you naked. I'm sorry. I thought we were truth telling.
Man: You're a dumb bitch. 
Midge: Oh, who told you? What can I say? All the good men are taken, ladies.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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