Shameless Quotes

[ElectricBoogaloo]

I'm so excited to have a separate forum for this show so we can have a quotes thread! There are hilarious quotes every week. Feel free to add your old favorites during the hiatus.

Marina: You like the penis, yes?
Mickey: Not when there's tits directly above it!
Marina: You want it up in your poop place?

Marina: I hate the penis. Ugly fucking skin stick, always trying to get in where it doesn't belong.

Guy at the bar: No straight woman wears Adidas.

Kevin: Mickey, have a seat. No one gives a shit who you bang. Let me buy you a beer. To butt buddies - long may they slam and slap.
Bar: Butt buddies!

Amanda: Is there anything more enjoyable on earth than humiliating your peers?

Fiona: I always worried it would be me [to be bipolar].
Lip: Oh, there's still time.

Edited September 27, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Amanda: You're not even packed? You have a suitcase?
[Lip points at a garbage bag]
Amanda: Is that Louis Vuitton?
Lip: No, it's Gucci.

Veronica: Fiiiiiine. I will go home and fuck my husband.
Fiona: Maybe with a little more enthusiasm?

Waitress 1: Did he leave you a good tip?
Waitress 2: He only gave you the tip? He didn't stick the whole thing in?

Fiona: Who's ready for pie?
Carl: I want to taste cherry pie.

Lip: Hypersexuality.
Mickey: You mean horniness? What 17 year old gay kid isn't horny?

Edited September 26, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Fiona: You're a smart girl. Why are you hanging out with whores?

Debbie: I don't know. You're a smart girl. Why are you on probation for drugs?

Edited January 19, 2015 by ElectricBoogaloo

[TyranAmiros]

Kevin: “Hey Debs. Do you know Svetlana?”

Debbie: “Of course, she’s my brother’s lover’s baby mama.”

[ElectricBoogaloo]

V: What happened to your hair? If it was lice again, I could have washed it.

Fiona: You look like-
Debbie: What? I look like a what?
Carl: Whoa, you look like a hooker.
Debbie: You think?
Fiona: That is not a compliment, Debbie!
Debbie: From Carl? It totally is.
Carl: Hookers are hot.
Debbie: See?

Edited September 26, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[Blue Castle]

Svetlana: Can you take baby to funeral?

Mickey: No, it's illegal in this country.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Gus: Favorite eagle?

Fiona: Bald.

[The Solution]

V: That's got to be the dirtiest white boy in America. (about Mickey)

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Svetlana: Danny Bonaduce stole my baby.

[Socwkr34]

Franks parenting advice:

The best gift you can give is neglect. Neglect fosters self-reliance.

Frank [to Lip]

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Mickey: Fuck you and your weird ass kid!

 

This would have been hilarious at any time during this season (mostly because I agree) but it was even funnier that Mickey was yelling this as Sammi chased him through the neighborhood with a gun.Threaten to kill Mickey and his response is to insult you and your weird kid.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Fiona: It's not a baby! It's a few cells.
Debbie: Does this look like a few cells?
[Debbie shows a picture of a fetus on her phone]
Carl: It totally looks like you just fucked a tadpole.

Fiona: Debbie, be realistic. How are you going to go to school and take care of a baby?
Debbie: You want me to be realistic? Okay, I'll be realistic.
Carl: Knives are in the drawer if you want to want to do a home abortion.

Kevin: Hey, free beer to anyone who helps us bring the rest of this stuff in.
Tommy: Why the hell should we work for free beer when these hipster jackwads are buying it for us just for treating them like shit?
Manbun hipster: Another beer for my pal Tommy!
Tommy: Thanks, asswipe.

Kevin: Hey, what is going on with the smoke, Svet? This place is like a hotbox. They can't light up in here.
Svetlana: They pay $12 for espresso, they can smoke my balls if they want.
Veronica: Twelve bucks? Toke it up, folks!
Kevin: You don't really have balls, do you?

Kevin: Where'd we get an espresso machine?
Svetlana: Carl and big scary colored man, they steal from fancy coffee place.
Kevin: Svet, you do remember that my wife is black. right?
Svetlana: So?

Debbie: I need to go change my baby.
Teacher: What?
Debbie: She's wet.
Teacher: You realize that's a bag of flour in a dress, right?
Debbie: Oh, duh. I'm practicing for when I have my real baby.
Teacher: Just because you got yourself knocked up doesn't mean you should have special privileges over the other students who managed to keep it in their pants.
[Debbie stares at him]
Teacher: Fine. Go.
Other student: My imaginary friend needs to drop a deuce. Can I be excused?

Svetlana: Hipster maggots drunk last of the IPA shit water beer.

Svetlana: You want to know why so many douchebag with topknot hair and smell like farm animal come into our bar?
[Svetlana hands Kevin a magazine]
Kevin: Alibi, voted best shittiest bar in the South Side.
Veronica: No shit.
Kevin: It also says we have the skankiest and meanest Russian bartender.
[Svetlana smiles and slaps a hipster]
Kevin: Wow. Best shittiest bar.
Veronica: Yeah. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Kevin: I know. Me either. I've never been the best at anything.

Kid: I need to buy a gun. For protection. In case there's a shooting here. I'm scared.
Carl: Then let me soothe your nerves. You, my friend, look like a Glock 17 kind of guy. And for a mere $300, all this can be yours.
Kid: Can you teach me how to use it?
Carl: Oh, we're not in the training business. That's what the internet's for.

Teacher: Who the hell are you?
Carl: He's with me.
Teacher: He doesn't belong here.
Carl: Because he's black?
Teacher: No, because he looks 35.
Carl: He's an old soul.

Debbie: How are things?
Bonnie: Not good. I'm pissed at my mom. She wouldn't babysit Ramon this weekend so I can go to the mall.
Debbie: That sucks.
Bonnie: Yeah, it's her stupid grandson. I don't know why she has to be so selfish.
Debbie: Do you guys think it's hard to go to school and have a baby at the same time?
Yolanda: Totally. I can't wait until I'm sixteen so I can quit. Three more years.
Bonnie: My baby keeps me up all the time.
Yolanda: None of my Forever 21 clothes fit me anymore.
Bonnie: My boyfriend ignores me.
Yolanda: My vagina's so big now. Gotta go. My mom's here. I have an orthodontist appointment.

Kevin: Since when do we have a karaoke machine?
Svetlana: Since half hour ago. These weirdos pay $5 a song to listen to old fleabag sing rock and roll music.
Kevin: Damn.
Svetlana: I acquire barber chair in morning.
Kevin: Barber chair?
Svetlana: These clove cigarette smelling dickholes, they like a straight razor shave. I charge $30.
Kevin: Here's to the shittiest bar in the South Side!

Edited September 26, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Frank: Even my daughter's vomit can't dampen the flavor of these empanadas.

Liam: Carl bought Froot Loops!
Carl: And cage free organic eggs. And juice with the pulp in it. Eat up, little homie.

Fiona: Carl, can you drop Liam at Headstart on your way to school?
Carl: Do I look like a babysitter?
Fiona: No, you look like criminal.

Fiona: And now we can go through it together. We can go to the clinic. We'll make appointments for the same day. It'll be good. It'll be like a family outing. Like Disneyland, only with abortions.

Ian: This is some seriously nerdy shit.

Debbie: Fiona doesn't want hers and she's trying to force me to get rid of mine too. She says I'm too young.
Frank: She's wrong. Scientifically wrong. Biologically speaking, you're in your prime childbearing years. Actually, a little beyond them. If Fiona waits much longer, she's going to have babies that look like wombats. Her labia will stretch halfway to her knees and then wanting to do cunninlingus will require a straw.

Fiona: I had to handcuff Monica to the bed when she was pregnant with Carl. I kept her loaded for months until he was too big to abort.

Tod: You spell Ian with three letters?
Ian: Uh, yeah. I-A-N.
Tod: That's lucky.
Ron: It costs extra to get more than three letters embroidered on your uniform. That's why Tod lost his second D.
Tod: And Ron, he used to be called Ronnie. But you don't have to change your name at all. That's like fate.

V: Whose [baby] is it?
Fiona: Sean's. Or maybe Gus's. Possibly Jimmy's.
[V laughs]
Fiona: It's not funny!
V: Maybe not funny-haha, but funny-slutty.

Frank: If the baby has a club foot or a harelip, that's worth an extra hundred so you might want to lighten up on the prenatal vitamins. Mental deficits are worth a lot but they cost a lot so don't cut out the folic acid completely.

Nurse: You'll be medicated so you'll need somebody to pick you up. You have a husband or boyfriend?
Frank: She has both.

Gus's song:
When I was young
I remember
I was taught not to say the F word
I guess I forgot
As a grown man with an open heart inside
I got married to the F word and my heart slowly died
F is for Fiona with a fist of flaming fire
F is for Fiona
I felt like I could fly
But then fucking Fiona
Was fucking everyone
Fuck you, Fiona
Cause now I'm fucking done
Fuck you, Fiona
With your fists of flaming fire
Fuck you, Fiona
I felt like I could fly
And then fucking Fiona
You know that she was fucking everyone
So fuck you, Fiona
Now I'm fucking done

Ian: Shit, I'm wasted.
Lip: That's medical grade weed plus piss grade beer.

Fiona: What's the name of our pope?
Frank: He prefers to go by Holy Father.

Frank: Gallaghers don't abort.
Fiona: No, they just abandon their kids once they have them or they drink so much they can't remember them.
Kev: BOOM! Good one.
Frank: That's the Irish way. We can't help thousands of years of inebriated evolution. Are you saying you wish we didn't have you? Because your mother didn't want to.
V: I thought Gallaghers didn't abort.
Frank: I kept her from it - til that last one that the end. After you've pushed out six, God gives you a get out of hell free card.
Fiona [to Carl]: Where are you and your friend going to sleep if Debbie and I have babies? Cause I'll need to turn your room into a nursery for sure.
Kev: Ha, burn!
Liam: Don't kill babies, Fiona.
Fiona: I won't kill any babies. I'll just have some cells in my tummy vacuumed out, okay? [to Debbie] I confided in you and you told everyone.
Debbie: Because I care about you.
Fiona: Are you saying I don't have the right to choose?
Debbie: No, I'm a feminist. I believe you have that right.
Frank: Tell her about your feelings.
Debbie: I want our babies to play together. They're cousins.
Fiona: They are not babies. They are not cousins. They are the size of warts right now. And when you get a wart, you freeze it off.
Kev: Damn, that's cold.
V: You are not watching a tennis match on tv. People can hear you.
Debbie: V, you're a mother. Do you wish you'd frozen your babies like warts?
V: No, I love my babies. But I wasn't 15 when I had them.

V: Babies bite your nipples, spit up in your mouth, stretch out your poonani. Think about that.

Debbie: Fiona, I want you to support my decision. You don't want to have yours, that's fine. I will support that if that's what you really want to do. But I need you to support me too because no one else does - not our family, not our neighbors, not my school. Just Frank. And he's Frank. Please, Fiona. If you love me, you will support my decision in having this baby because I know I'm going to be a great mom.
Fiona: You are going to be a great mom, just not yet. We can have babies together in ten years when we're ready because it's all about timing and the timing is not right for us right now. We make mistakes but it's not too late to fix them.
Debbie: No, Fiona. Mine wasn't a mistake. I did it on purpose. I lied to Derek that I was on the pill because I know what I want.
Fiona: You're right. Frank is the only person who thinks this pregnancy is a good idea. You have Frank on your side. And that should bother you. You should be crying. And I want you to really get this too. If you have this baby, I will not support you - not physically, not emotionally. I will not change a fucking diaper. I will not be woken up in the middle of the night because it has fever or croup or fucking colic. Because you will not be living under my roof. You are on your own if you do this.

Edited September 26, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Svetlana: Tapas.
Kevin: Say it without the accent.
V: Tapas.

Edited September 26, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Chuckie: This is all cause of the mud people.
[Chuckie points at Nick]
Ian: What the fuck?
Chuckie: That's what my friends in juvie said.
[Frank laughs]
Chuckie: What? What did I say?
Ian: Chuckie, if you want to say alive, shut up and go to school.

Fiona: I told you, I'm not taking your dirty money, Carl.
Frank: It must be wonderful living in your little fantasy world where unicorns slide down magical rainbows and everybody on the south side gets by on the up and up.

Fiona: It's my job to tell you when you're making a huge mistake.

Fiona: There are other options. Adoption.
Frank: You'd give away a Gallagher? For free? Shame on you.

V: I can take Carl.
Carl: Yeah, you can. All eight inches. I'm pimpin' like that. Feel me?
V: "Pimpin'"? I changed your diapers so I know your little pudding pop ain't never been chocolate. I'm getting tired of this little minstral act. You think cornrows make you black? Four hundred years of oppression makes you black, and if you keep up with this wigger bull shit, I'm gonna reverse George Zimmerman your ass. Feel me?

Erica: My bucket list was crossed off before I was old enough to buy a wine cooler.
Frank: You're talking to a PhD in the debaucherous arts.
Erica: Have you ever snorted PCP off a man's penis?
Frank: Would you judge me if I had?
Erica: Have you ever woken up naked in the street with no idea how you got there?
Frank: That's called Tuesday. That all you got?
Erica: Have you ever been used as a rotisserie by two members of Guns N Roses?
Frank: I have no idea what that means but I'm enjoying trying to picture it.
Erica: It would have been more too, but Axl couldn't get it up.
Frank: So no regrets?
Erica: One. Melissa Etheridge.
Frank: Yeah. I heard one of her songs once. It felt like Satan was hate fucking my ear drums.

Realtor: Good luck, Mr. Chocolate.

Svetlana: I get you massage job.
[Fiona scoffs]
Svetlana: Oh, you're too good for it. I understand. You don't realize God gave you ATM machine between your legs. When I do massage, it's because I have to. No money, five thousand miles from home. I start, I was here [puts hand down near the floor]. I work hard, now I'm here [holds hand shoulder level]. This is how America works. Soon when I open my own Quizno's Submarine store, I will be here [puts hand over her head]. You, you think you're here [holds hand shoulder level], but you're not. You are here [lowers hand]. And girls who are here must do things that other girls would not do.

Caleb: You ever pitch?
Ian: Usually, but I'm open depending on what you're into. Where are we doing this?
Caleb: Follow me.
Ian: Wait, we're actually playing softball?

Ian: Tony?! When did you come out?
Tony: Oh, your sister. She turned me gay.

Amanda: People say hands are the hardest thing to draw, but I think it's tits.

Amanda: You know, my therapist says that revenge doesn't give you any real satisfaction but clearly she's an idiot because this feels really, really good.
Lip: Amanda, [the picture of Helen]'s all over the goddamn school.
Amanda: Yeah, social media's fast, huh? You shouldn't have screwed me over.
Lip: I never made any fucking promises to you!
Amanda: Yes, you fucking well did! With your eyes and your smile and your cock!

Edited September 26, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo
Fixed wonky spacing after forum upgrade

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Ambulance driver: I met this guy online, started dating him for a couple months. Turns out he was married and he had kids. Can you believe that shit?
Ian: How'd you find out?
Ambulance driver: I stalked him on Valentine's Day when he bailed on me. He gave me some shit about his mother having a stroke. Turns out he was living this whole other life.
Ian: What'd you do?
Ambulance driver: I kicked his ass. Got him into bed, I tied him up, I superglued his dick to his leg, and I wrote "LYING SLUT" on his chest with a sharpie. Let me tell you something - that shit doesn't come off.
Ian: You must have been pretty pissed.
Ambulance driver: He called me a couple months later, told me he'd gotten a divorce.
Ian: Yeah? You ever see him again?
Ambulance driver: I married him.
Ian: That was Joe?
Ambulance driver: That was Joe. I guess he really liked my spirit.

Debbie: Oh great, pizza.
Ian: Yeah, the Domino's guy said it was already paid for so we're trying to eat it all before he figures out he delivered it to the wrong place.
Debbie: Right place. I put it on my credit card.
Ian: You have a credit card?
Debbie: It just doesn't have my name on it. Oh, shit, Frank's alive?
Frank: Will somebody, anybody, please get my fucking wheelchair?
Ian: No.
Carl: No.
Debbie: Fuck off, Frank!

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Kev: I don't know. Maybe we shouldn't have thrown Frank in the river.
V: Fuck that. We should have tied an engine block around his neck and made sure he didn't come back up.

Bar guy: You three are still breastfeeding?
Svetlana: It's cheaper than milk.
Kev: And it's healthier for the babies.
Bar guy: Can I watch?
Svetlana: Forty dollars.
Bar guy: Twenty.
Svetlana: Fifty.
Bar guy: Thirty.
Svetlana: Sixty.
Bar guy: Forty - but I get to video it on my phone.

Frank: Anyone try to find me when I was in the ICU for the last month?
Carl: No.
Frank: How come?
Carl: We were kind of hoping you were dead.

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Lawyer: So who's married to whom?
Svetlana and Vee: We're married.
Vee: To each other.
Svetlana: But we still have relationship with all three of us.
Kev: I'm big poppa.
Lawyer: And who's adopting who?
Vee: She's adopting our daughters.
Svetlana: She's adopting son I had with jailbird.
Lawyer: And that's him?
Vee: No, this is big poppa. He's a good daddy and a good husband.
Svetlana: Jailbird in jail, not daddy anymore. New daddy - big poppa.
Lawyer: Huh. Fascinating. And your triplets?
Svetlana: My son, their daughters.
Kev: It's so weird how we have to keep explaining our situation to people. It's like they've never heard of a ménage à three.

Lip: Who died?
Ian: Another appliance.
Lip: Oh, shit, the washing machine?
Fiona: Yeah, it's the one Jimmy bought for us. I should have known it wouldn't last.
Lip: I guess you're going to have to date another shitbag con artist to replace it for us, huh?

Carl: It's reverse racism.
Dominique's dad: So what do you call all the white slots? Reverse reverse racism?

Dominque's father: You want me to vouch for your blackness?

Ambulance driver: There's no such thing as platonic. You're either boning or you're waiting to bone.

Carl: What if we're in the same tribe, Mr. W? Wouldn't that be cool?
Dominque's dad: If I find out any of your people owned any of my people, I'm going to have to shoot you.

DNA guy: Mr. Gallagher, we didn't find any African lineage in your strain.
Carl: Wait, what? Are you sure?
DNA guy: But we did find 33.5% Native American ancestry traceable to the Apache tribe.
Carl: You mean I'm an Indian?
DNA guy: And Mr. Winslow, your DNA reveals 22% Irish traceable to the Puritans.
Dominique's dad: As in Pilgrims?
DNA guy: That's right. You two are the Pilgrims and the Indians.
Carl: Didn't your people kill my people?
Dominque's dad: Don't say another word.

Edited October 31, 2016 by ElectricBoogaloo

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Fiona: Someone bought the check cashing place on Wentworth. Hundred and forty grand.
Lip: Great. An artisanal pickle shop on the way. Just what we need.

Fiona: Would my Apache brother like toast or do you only eat maize?
Carl: Laugh all you want but it got me a scholarship into military school.
Fiona: Does this mean we get a discount at the Indian casino?
Lip: Can you hand me the cereal, Marches Without Foreskin?

Carl: What if they haze me [at military school]?
Fiona: You're way tougher than they are.
Carl: It seems hard. All of it.
Debbie: You did juvie no problem.
Lip: And you let someone hack your dick. What could be harder than that, right?

[ElectricBoogaloo]

Veronica: So no more Tinder?
Fiona: Nope, V. I'm done with it. No more pointless sex bent over a dirty sink in a club bathroom or scraping my ass on a rusty alley dumpster with my underwear pushed down around my ankles.
[Fiona notices a diner customer listening]
Fiona: Eat your quinoa.